The Villainess wants to be a Hero

"Bye, mister Mayor!" I shout from my perch atop the back flaps of our cart as we drive out of Vestmoore in triumph and celebration. "Bye, old lady we rescued from the cave! Bye, other old lady with a fluffy dog! Bye, fluffy dog!"

My hands wave wildly over the top of my head so that everyone can see that even if I wasn't shouting goodbye to them specifically, I was still wishing them goodbye. And there were a lot of people to wave to. The whole town must have come out to see us drive off—even though a lot of them were kind of squinting into the sun or holding their head like it really hurt or looked kind of like they wanted to throw up.

It was bad enough that I considered stopping waving to tell El that we needed to go back since Vestmoore was clearly dealing with a plague of some sort. Then again, since none of us were [Healers]—and El had started complaining at breakfast about wanting to get back to 'civilization', whatever that meant—it was probably for the best to just let it be.

So, instead of helping with their oncoming plague, I decided to wave my arms even more wildly and shout goodbyes even more loudly. "Bye. Remember to tell everyone how awesome the Little Calamities were in rescuing your village!"

As I remind Vestmoore about the name of our adventuring team, something jabs at my leg, right near the back of my knee. Thanks to my new skill upgrade [Superior Strength], I didn't even move, but for some reason, I hear El hiss and mutter something like, 'Oh, great, now she's even more unstoppable.' But since that didn't make any sense, I decided instead to shout one last thing before we left the village behind for good.

"Thank you, Vestmoore! I'll make sure that your rescue gets a chapter in the book about the Little Calamities when we're a world-famous adventuring team!"

I watch and wave as the village disappears behind trees and the curve of the mountain road we were taking north, and then flop down to my seat. Then I turn to look at El, who was squinting at the road in front of us, fortunately, not in the way all those sick-looking villagers did—we really would have to find a [Healer] if she'd caught the same disease they had—but in that way she did when we had to get up and do things before noon. Markus, on the other hand, had seemingly fallen asleep and was wrapped up in the folds of his gross, ratty scarf.

With both my teammates otherwise busy, I turn to watch the trees go by. Unfortunately, each one kind of looked like the next and it kind of made everything seem to blur together in boring sameness. Then I look down at the ground beneath us but the mountain path is covered in dirt and leaves and somehow even more boring than the trees were. Then I look up over the top of the trees surrounding us and stare at the tip-top of a row of snow-covered mountains. At least they're a lot more interesting to look at, but since we're moving at normal people speeds rather than secret [Calamity] speeds, the mountains don't look like they're moving at all.

I huff out a breath and my hands start to fidget on my lap. My fingers drum against my leg, beating out the pattern to a song the villagers had sung last night. But once I've played through the whole song ten times, I stop. Plus, I had no idea why there were so many bottles of beer on a wall somewhere.

With musical options exhausted, I flop down onto my stomach and turn to look at El, who was still squinting at the road ahead of us. "Are we-"

"It's been ten minutes, Ciel," El growls like a grizzly bear that had been woken up from hibernation by a [Calamity] in her smaller form rampaging through the snow. "If you finish that question I will throw you from the Tollheim and make you run."

My head tilts to one side as I consider the offer, but eventually decide not to. I wasn't in the mood to run. Certainly not in my smaller form, at least. And since my larger form was still super secret, that meant I was, "bored, bored, bored."

"Ciel, read your book and shut up."

Now that was a much better idea, and I don't even need to pause to consider it before leaping up to my feet and scrambling over to where my travel pack was crammed into the back seat near Markus. With all the fun of fighting weird not-food monsters and rescuing civilians and being celebrated like the awesome adventurers we were, it had been at least two days since I'd been able to read about [Hero] and Cat.


I look up from my favorite book as our cart click-clacks over a particularly large bump. I wasn't reading anymore, not really, I was more tracing one of the pictures over and over again. It was the one where Cat leaps through the air to save [Hero] from an evil [Witch's] spell. Something that I'd never really understood before… that [Hero] had needed saving from a [Witch]. Not a [Witch of Plagues] or even a [Soulthief Witch], but a regular old [Witch]. Now, though, the whole scene seemed a bit different. Maybe it was just the really detailed picture of the [Witch], though—she had a long nose with a wart on the end.

But since my attention had been drawn away from my book by our cart rumbling over an unpaved stretch of road, my stomach took the moment to interject with a quiet growl of its own. That meant it was lunchtime. And if I remembered correctly—and thanks to my immaculate memory, I was sure I did—there were some leftovers from the feast last night stashed away in the rear wagon. I also remembered what happened the last time I'd eaten all the snacks without sharing. El had been mad. So if I wanted to do it this time, I'd have to be much sneakier.

I look up at my favorite teammate—she and Markus were in a two-way tie for first—and wonder for a moment why there's a twitching in her jaw, before calling out, "Hey, El."

"What?" It was strange that El sounded so grumpy since she normally only sounded like that before she had her nasty-tasting drink, but I'd seen her drink that and besides, it was almost past noon and she never drank it after morning was over.

I pause before responding, mostly because I hadn't thought of anything to say. Fortunately, my genius mind pokes me before I can say that and I respond instead with, "Can we stop over there by the the tree that looks just like all the other trees?"

"Ciel," my teammate's mouth moves as though there was something she wanted to say, but didn't know how. Or maybe she was just chewing on her words like a cow did—though they didn't chew words, they chewed half-digested food, which was really gross, food was for eating. "We're making really good time. We don't have time for you to stop and use the bathroom. Just hold it until we get to Toringard."

That hadn't even occurred to me. My [Calamity] body was much better than a human one since it didn't need to do anything gross like that. Still, if I wanted the snacks in the back cart, I needed to keep my teammate distracted. "But it's such a nice tree. It's got leaves and bark and it's really tall and-"

"Ciel, I swear I will turn this cart around," El utters her words like she doesn't even want to stop gritting her teeth to say them.

"Oh, can we?" My head perks up. "I bet they're getting ready to have another party that they didn't want to invite us to, but if we just show up they'll have no choice but-"

"For the love of everything, Ciel, just sit down and shut up." My distraction wasn't quite working like I wanted it to, but maybe if I just-

My genius mind pokes me and I have to carefully keep my grin inside my chest. That might just work. "In that case, maybe I'll just take a nap in the back and watch the clouds and-"

"You can do that right here." El turns away from the road in front of us to squint at me. That was strange. Did she have to use the bathroom?

"But then I," I stop before I can admit to my genius plan of eating all the leftover food and then continue, "what if I miss a really fluffy one because I can't roll around up here and-"

"In that case, why don't you take Markus back there with you?"

"Chirp?" Markus peeks his head lazily from his ratty scarf and looks between the two of us.

"Yeah!" I grin. Markus was a perfect choice, "come on, we can watch the clouds together. We'll just have to move things around to make space. We'll have to be real careful so we don't knock over the bags with last night's feast or the roasted pecans or-"

"On second thought, why don't you just stay up here with me?"

My face falls as El effortlessly thwarts my genius plan. But that only lasts a moment before a grin overtakes it. That's why she's the team planner, after all.


"El, hey El, look, look!" I wave my arms to get her attention and when she squints over at me, I point at the top of a huge gate towering over the tree line and set into the side of the mountain we were rapidly approaching. "We're almost there!"

El mutters something like, 'and without murdering anyone, too,' which was an odd thing to say, because soon-to-be-[Heroes] and their teammates didn't murder people. They killed them. But only if they were hordes of low-level [Villains]. The main [Overlord] had to be defeated and left on the brink of death so they could try one last futile attack. Then the [Hero] could swoosh in at the last minute and kill the [Overlord], but only because they were protecting their favorite teammate. Which meant it was totally ok and not at all murder.

I thought briefly about letting her, and Markus—who had slipped free from his nasty-scarf a while ago and was perched on his hind legs on the front of the cart like some sort of ornament—know that little tidbit of research. But, before I could open my mouth to tell them all about the intricacies of [Heroes] and acceptable murder, we crested a rise and Toringard unfolded in front of us.

A long and almost pure white road cut through the valley below us, winding along the bottom of that valley like a giant, white snake. Only, this snake had a bunch of stringy-looking hair from all of the smaller roads that fed into it. Which was a disgusting sort of idea, but probably a good defensive strategy. After all, who would want to eat a hairy snake, plus, the sight of it would probably just make anyone trying to invade want to go home. Unfortunately, it didn't work on me, because even if hairy snakes were disgusting, I could eat anything.

Still, I quickly turned my gaze away from the valley stretching out in one direction and toward the white-capped mountain at its other end. The gate we'd seen the top of when we'd been following our circling road up to its peak was even more massive than I'd thought. Even in my larger form, I could have easily fit beneath the arch and gotten inside. My grin widens in appreciation. No one ever built things for [Calamity] sized people. I knew Steamforge was the right choice!

On the sides approaching the stone door were little steps carved into the mountainside there were statues and weird metal shafts attached to the ground or set upon rotating wheeled-looking things. They looked like sticks, but sticks meant for giants rather than people. That didn't hold my attention long, though, because even giant sticks were boring compared to the chaotic and riotous arrangement of wooden structures and bright colors that protruded from the sides of that massive gate.

Even from here, I could practically hear all the excitement and the frying food and music and excitement and-

A hand grabs onto the back of my shirt before I can leap free from the cart and start running down the mountain. Thankfully for El, I hadn't actually started moving or my [Superior Strength] would have just dragged her along behind me as I ran until I noticed her flapping behind me.

"We'll be there in less than an hour," my teammates sighs deeply. "Just wait patiently until then."

"Boo."


A dwarf in a dark green shirt with three silver chains stretching from one side of his chest to the other looks at us as we creep to first place in the line of people trying to get into the wooden, outer city.

"Name, accommodations, and reason for visit."

His voice is deep and gravelly, just like mine was whenever I acted out a scene in one of my books with a dwarf in it. I grin widely and hold up my adventurer wrist, proudly showing off the silver bracelet. "We're adventurers, here to save the kingdom from not-food monsters and end the succession crisis by uncovering the evil plots of-"

I cut off before I could blame my sisters for throwing the country into turmoil. It might have been true, but it would have been hard to explain without revealing other secrets, like me being a secret [Calamity]. And it certainly wasn't time for me to reveal that. I'd just gotten through airing out my sordid past with my team. I needed a good arc or twelve before trying that again.

Fortunately, instead of calling me on my pause, the lead dwarf turns toward a table behind him, where a dwarf with only one chain stretching across his chest is watching us and calls out, "Adventurers."

"Yep!" I agree happily. The better to deflect any suspicions that I might have secrets. "I'm Ciel, this is El, and the one in that ratty-looking scarf is Markus."

"Chirp!"

"It is so a ratty scarf." I shoot back even as the lead dwarf's eyes furrow into the same sort of squint that El had earlier today—I hope it isn't contagious. I wouldn't look right with beady, narrow eyes like that. Not at all.

"Chirp!"

"Uh-huh."

"Chirp!"

"Shut up and let the customs official do his job." For some reason, the lead dwarf looks over at El when she tells us to be quiet and his face softens from that squint. Huh, maybe it wasn't contagious after all.

"Right!" I dismiss my furry teammate and his clearly deficient choice of clothing and turn back to the customs dwarf. "We're staying at the Adventurers Guil-"

"The Hells we are," El interrupts once again in a way that makes me wonder whether there was something wrong with her. She hated talking to people who weren't me and Markus. "We'll be staying at The Glittering Halls."

My eyes widen as she says the name. It sounded like an inn! I'd never stayed at an inn before! That was something adventurers and [Heroes] did all the time! A roar of excitement works its way up my throat, but before I can squeak out my joy, the customs dwarf raises an iron rod.

"Hold out your bracelets so we can check your identity."

The dwarf waits as we do so, though he does that squinty thing again when Markus holds out his paw to be scanned. But, after seeing that we were exactly as awesome as we claimed we were, he walks back over to the assistant customs dwarf and says things like 'three adventurer permits,' and 'no contraband,' and some other things I didn't understand.

After a few minutes of their quiet conversation, the lead customs dwarf walks back over to us and starts to speak. "Adventurers are allowed free access to the outer and inner cities."

He pauses as the assistant dwarf walks forward with three pieces of paper that look tingly with magic. Unfortunately, with [Dissection of the Root] sealed away with the rest of my [Calamity] powers, I didn't know for sure what they did. But when the assistant dwarf handed me one with my name and adventurer rank on it, I stopped caring. I was now officially on paper. Just like the [Heroes] in my books. This was so cool!

The lead customs dwarf starts speaking again, but who can listen to a boring lecture when they have a cool new piece of paper declaring them a silver-rank adventurer to look at? In fact, I was so busy holding my new paper up to the late afternoon sun to get a better look at it that I missed everything he had to say, until:

"...any clashes between adventuring teams will be punished to the highest extent of the law." He stares the kind of stare I'd always imagined a dwarf guard would stare and then continues, "With that said, welcome to Toringard, the City of Invention."


Our cart trundles slowly into the outer city, full of wooden buildings and shops and food stalls and people in weird outfits and frizzy hair shouting at each other and-

No. I couldn't get distracted so easily. I was the team leader. It was on me to be responsible. So, with a frown in my heart, I announce to my team. "We should go to the adventurers guild first to see what quests we can pick up."

But, just as the words leave my mouth, my eyes catch on a multistory building that had a banner hanging in front of it with a huge gray gear set on a red background. "No, wait. We should go check out that invention shop, I bet there's an ancient magical sword sitting in a discount barrel or something just waiting for us."

Before I could even hop out of the cart and sprint over to the invention building. The smell of something spicy and full of meat reaches my superior senses. I turn away from the invention building—if my super strong sword really was in the discount bin, it'd probably be fine there for a while longer—and quickly start hunting for that delightful smell.

"Never mind the magic swords!" I shout and wave my hand in the direction of a food stall that had set up shop at an upcoming intersection. "Food! We need food! Over there! That one! Wait, why aren't you stopping?"

Despite my shouted orders, our cart trundles on past the invention shop and food stall without stopping. It's only my resolute determination and implacable sense of responsibility that keep me from jumping out of the cart and running back toward my destiny. But it's a near thing.

I turn to look at El, and let the frown in my chest form on my face. "Why didn't we stop?"

"We can stop when we're dead, or when we get to the inn." Despite the way my teammate's jaws are clenched tight, she still manages to respond to my question. My teammates really were amazing. "Whichever comes first."

I would have sworn I heard her continue to mutter something like, 'Hopefully, the former,' but since that didn't make any sense, I made a note for my immaculate memory to check my hearing when we had some time. I wouldn't be much of a secret [Calamity] if I started losing all my cool secret [Calamity] skills.


"Your rooms, Lady El," a fancy-looking dwarf in a shirt that sparkled with gems and gold stitching dips his head as he opens a pair of doors set at human height, rather than dwarf height. "The Ambassador's Suite comes with a lounge area, six bedrooms, a private bath, a balcony overlooking the Azure Gardens, and a dedicated set of staff to on call at any time of day."

The doors swing open and El swans inside without a word. She must really have needed to use the bathroom. I turn toward the dwarf and grin, "Thank you, mister sparkly dwarf."

The sparkly dwarf inclines his head gracefully and smiles a slight smile back. "Should you need anything, Lady Ciel, Lord Markus, merely pull the cord affixed to the wall nearest this entrance and someone will be by in moments."

I look over at a silver cord with tassels at the bottom of it hanging beside a similarly silver mirror and a dark-wooden desk of some sort covered with a pale green piece of cloth and more silver stuff. I nod as I commit that to my infallible memory. It would come in really handy if I got hungry late at night. Ooh. Or maybe I could pull it and ask whoever came if they knew anything about dwarf [Hero] books. All the ones I had were about humans or elves. Except for that one that was about a gold dragon. Which I'd torn up and then eaten just to make sure. Gold dragons didn't deserve to be [Heroes]. No one that whiny and self-absorbed did.

"Thanks again, mister sparkly dwarf." I wave at him and then rush into our room. I'd never had a room at an inn before and I needed to explore every last bit of it.

I barely hear the door shut behind me before I'm through the lounge area with its couches and tables and bottles of rancid juice. I swing open door after door, taking in fancy furniture and artwork and curtains, until the last one I open has an El lounging on the bed with her hand over her eyes.

"Ciel," she calls out to me without moving an inch. "I'll let you get whatever you want for dinner so long as you stay out of this room and don't make any noise until it arrives."

"Really!" I roar out my excitement. Fortunately, since I was in my smaller form, none of the walls shook or fell down. Which would have completely ruined my first night at an inn!

"Hey, Markus!" I call out to my furry teammate who had gotten lost somewhere in the suite, "Let's go pick out some dinner. I bet they have super fancy roasted pecans here."

There's a distant chirp of reply and I turn to rush out of El's room, pausing at the doorway to shout over a shoulder, "Thanks, El. You're the best!"

Then I make sure to slam the door good and tight so she won't be disturbed by any noise and rush off to track down my lost teammate. It was dinner time.


I stretch my legs out underneath my covers and pat my stomach. Dinner had been delicious. The sparkly dwarf had told us that the food had come from a restaurant run by a couple who used to live in Awanu. There'd been skewers of roasted cow and goat and pig, grilled onions and tomatoes and five different colors of peppers—I hadn't even known blue peppers existed—and plenty of flatbread to eat along with a pale green dip and whipped garlic butter. Dessert had been a flaky pastry thing stuffed with nuts and cinnamon and honey.

My stomach growls just thinking about it, and my feet twitch with the urge to get up and pull that silver cord. Then I could get a second dinner. I stop before I do, though, because El and Markus are asleep. And I'd gotten a really long lecture the last time I'd woken them up with some late-night snacking, and that didn't even involve a pair of not-quite-as-sparkly dwarves delivering tray upon tray of food to my room.

So, like the responsible team leader I was, I set aside my desire for food. And my desire to explore that invention shop. And my desire to see all the shops and fancy adventurer equipment we could get. And my desire to see what the adventurers guild looks like. And-

My genius mind pokes me, interrupting my list of things I could do rather than lay here in bed and stare at the ceiling. As I listen to the idea, I can't keep the grin off my face. If staying here and eating would make too much noise, I could always go somewhere else. And if I got back before the sun rises tomorrow, no one would even know I'd been out.

Plus, it's not like anything bad could happen. I was, after all, a soon-to-be-[Hero].

Ciel is surely going to have a nice, peaceful, not at all shenanigan filled evening wandering about the outer city of Toringard. But to do that, she needs a place to have her quiet night out at. To whit:

[] A loud tavern where people are singing jaunty songs

[] A warehouse where strange contraptions collide with each other

[] A smokey underground room full of dice and cards

[] Write-in.

[AN]
When I was playing through the Elden Ring expansion, I told myself not to start a new quest about it. I failed. That said, I'll be trying to update this quest at least once a week. Story versions will probably be a bit slower, though.