Lost on the Road of Life (An AU Naruto Quest)

Kakashi's fingers twitched as they trudged through the farmlands of eastern Wind Country. They had eventually decided that it was the least terrible option out of the lot. They had spent the better part of the night crossing over the Hanguri Gulf and quickly diving over the Wind Country border. The exhausted trio had settled for a quick dirt nap and a hasty (but thorough!) change in disguises before veering northwest.

"I'm still not comfortable with this, despite accepting the reasoning behind it." Shizuka said. Kakashi turned to look at her, and noticed that the woman was pouting something fierce. "This takes us closer to Hidden Sand than we would otherwise be going. And I'm without quick access to my weapon pouches in this civilian getup."

They had opted for going full-civilian in their disguises. It wouldn't stop a thorough enough strip-search from identifying Kakashi, but it would increase their overall chances of getting through the Land of Wind without a deadly fight breaking out. Kakashi had stowed away all of their obvious ninja equipment in some spare storage seals, and they tucked away whatever possessions they had that couldn't be stored in one of the many hidden pouches contained in Sugiyama's Massive Fucking Backpack of Random Crap— a name bestowed upon it by an irate Shizuka that had Kakashi laughing for minutes.

As a consequence, Shizuka was without her weapons pouches. Kakashi hoped that they wouldn't need to fight anytime soon.

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't like it much either, but we simply can't afford running into border patrols. They're thickest on the eastern side, over the farmland. If we just walk up the coast we'll be forced to move at a civilian's pace as squads of ninja pass by every half hour or so at irregular intervals. It's not worth it."

"Are you sure I can't just keep a storage seal of kunai up my sleeve?" Shizuka asked. "I'd rather walk naked than be unable to defend myself properly."

Kakashi snorted. "Yeah, I get that. How do you think I've felt since Honey? Being out in the field with a handicap is hell on the nerves." He shook his head. "Storage seals get finicky and are prone to failure in a cramped environment. The sleeve thing wouldn't work out. It would probably just eat your weapons or something instead of unsealing them, maybe spit out the remains later."

Kakashi had of course asked Minato-sensei why people hadn't found a way around that yet. Sensei had just grinned.

"How are you so sure that someone hasn't, Kakashi?"

Kakashi's followup questions had earned him a dazzlingly detailed lecture on the merits and dangers of fussing around with the bedrock of space and time.

...

"I honestly cannot tell if you're joking," Shizuka finally said.

Kakashi waved her off. "Suppose I'm not."

"The point is moot either way, one would think," Sugiyama piped up. The fortuneteller was still visibly winded and exhausted, but they had very much appreciated the change of pace. "Given that we would be unable to evade any patrols by way of stealth or speed alone, we are forced to play our parts as a group of humble traveling pilgrims. Having any shinobi equipment in a location easily searched would make it too easy to dispel the illusion."

Shizuka grimaced. "Yes, obviously. But that does nothing to calm my nerves. Maybe we can stop, and I can search the packs for a hunting knife to tie to my belt?"

She's certainly getting a bit twitchy, Kakashi observed. Shizuka's hands kept unconsciously hovering over her hips every few minutes.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Kakashi said. "We're almost—"

Shizuka's eyes flicked to the side. "Patrol incoming."

"Pilgrims." Kakashi said. His mind raced to get into character.

Showtime. Simple-minded country yokel. Like that farmer.

"Halt!"

Two masked individuals appeared in front of the group. Sand ANBU. Kakashi would bet that there was a third lurking around somewhere. Underground perhaps, or hiding nearby in the bushes or in a palm tree.

Huh, no animal masks? Interesting. Kakashi thought. Hidden Sand, like the Leaf Village, tended to use one-word animal designations for its ANBU members, but the shinobi before him had plain, oval-shaped porcelain masks etched with the hourglass symbol of the Sand. While there was no custom paint job, Kakashi spotted a faint set of second engravings on each mask that gleamed in the sun.

Colors and Shogi pieces? Kakashi mused. I guess Sand overhauled their ANBU structure recently. Maybe something to do with the One Tails incident a few months back? I wonder if it's organization-wide, or if they've added a separate force for the border...

One of the masked ninja, 'Red Knight', stepped forward. Kakashi glued his eye to the ground, just as a powerless civilian might do when faced with a sudden inquisition from a pair of shinobi. Kakashi couldn't risk giving the two ninja the usual head-to-toe inspection to try to better gauge their capabilities— they might notice, and that would certainly earn him a round of questioning if they were going easy— but he could still work out some info with just his peripheral vision.

Male frames, but not necessarily indicative of anything, Kakashi thought. The one speaking about my size, the other is large, closer to Zabuza or Jiraiya in size. Designations Red Knight and Green Pawn.

The odds of any random Sand ANBU being a full-fledged jounin were somewhat low, or so Kakashi figured, but that just meant that they were probably not jounin. Normally, in the worst case scenario he and Shizuka could murder their way out if things went south, but his still injured chakra coils made that a questionable prospect at best. Then accounting for a potential third opponent…

A fight would likely not end well for their party.

Plus, that would definitely cause Hidden Sand to go on high-alert, and Sugiyama would almost definitely get caught in the crossfire.

"Briefly introduce yourselves and state your business, travelers," Red Knight said. "You'll have to submit to a quick routine inspection as well."

"Of course," Sugiyama said. The socially adept fortune teller bowed low. "My name is Kasami Saku. These are my companions, Nakanoi Shizuka, and Kojiro the Simple."

Red Knight made an impatient gesture. "And your business here?"

"We are here on a religious pilgrimage!" Sugiyama stated. "I am a connoisseur and collector of lost historical artifacts. It has long been my desire to come to the Land of Wind and investigate some of the more obscure archaeological sites undoubtedly buried in the desert. Tombs, ancient shrines, and so on! My companions here are hired trackers from the Land of Honey."

"Far from Honey," Red Knight remarked. "Anything to substantiate your claims?"

"Indeed! Behold, the amassed collection of Kasami Saku!" Sugiyama said, waving a hand around dramatically. "Er, well. You could behold it, in my pack. If you'll permit me to reach into it, honored ninja?"

"Proceed." The ANBU turned to Shizuka. "Long way from Honey. How did you get to this section of Wind?"

"We arrived by boat," Shizuka said. "Originally left ages ago, but there was some trouble at sea though. Something about sea monsters in the gulf. So we had to dock in a port in Tea Country and wait for a captain who was willing to take us around. Docked in the capital."

"Sea monsters?"

Shizuka nodded. "Yes, there were a few missing ships, apparently. Something about sightings of a giant slug monster."

The Sand ANBU grunted and turned to Kakashi. "Your friend called you simple. Why's that?"

"Ah hit me head… while back as a youngun," Kakashi said. He did his best to reply in the thick Vegetable Country accent. "Mah dropped me a ways."

The ANBU snorted. "I see."

"Yarp," Kakashi said. He clasped his hands together politely in front of his waist. "Anything else ah can help yuh with?" Kakashi's eye widened slightly and he hastily added. "Mister ninjuh, seree."

"That won't be necessary," the ninja said, before turning back to address Sugiyama. The fortune teller began pulling all sorts of knick-nacks out of the massive backpack, giving Red Knight an impromptu show-and-tell.

I hope that was the appropriate amount of salt-of-the-earth sorrow.

The other Sand ninja, Green Pawn, was still as a statue and almost twice as silent.

That's a little odd, Kakashi thought. He'd had to do border patrol duty a handful of times. It would have quickened the pace a bit if both of the ANBU participated. Perhaps this one is a new recruit or something?

The breeze changed directions, leaving Kakashi downwind of the silent ANBU for a short duration, and the faint smell of lacquered sandalwood and mineral oil wafted into his nose.

A puppet?

"Alright," Red Knight said. "Carry on."

The two Sand ANBU disappeared from sight, traveling further south down the coast, approximately the same direction that Kakashi and company had come from.

The trio made some awkward small-talk in-character as they packed up Sugiyama's crap back in the various pouches, bags, and satchels, before better securing the thing.

"I believe it is your turn to carry this, Kojiro," Sugiyama said, and a mischievous shine sparked in the fortuneteller's eyes. Kakashi grunted and accepted the pack without complaint.

…

…

…

"Did something seem weird about that to either of you?" Kakashi asked, a few miles later. "Just one ANBU and a ninja puppet?"

Sugiyama shrugged and Shizuka grunted in the negative.

"It is likely that you are merely on edge," Sugiyama said. "It seemed fairly routine, as far as I could observe."

"It's possible they're just stretched thin," Shizuka said. She frowned. "Maybe they're overly cautious about the eastern border for some reason? Or it could be that they're attempting to make it look as if they have more manpower than they actually do."

Was the One Tails attack really that severe?

Kakashi had gotten secondhand intelligence about the attack from an information broker hundreds of miles away. It was unlikely to be entirely accurate, and regardless of how professional every link in the chain was, information was bound to be warped after exchanging hands so many times.

"Hmm," Kakashi said. He scratched his chin, and made a mental note to shave later that evening, after they set up camp. "Yeah, could be."





The dune sea of eastern Wind Country was impressively barren. Shizuka had never seen anything like it. There were no forested mountains, no mountainous ranges or even any hills. The desert stretched in all directions and nothing but sand was anywhere to be seen.

Shizuka had scouted the edge of the desert earlier from a tall rocky outcropping. At the time she could see a handful of larger chakra beasts moving around the dunes, and the occasional thorny bush, cactus, or errant tumbleweed that had made its way inwards.

But now, there was nothing. No creatures, no vegetation, no variance in the terrain.

There was nothing but miles upon miles of hot, gritty sand.

How much longer does it stretch? Shizuka thought. They had been at this for hours already. She had understood the rationale behind the trip through the desert, she had even commented on the soundness of the idea at the time. It was one thing to know that something was the best choice, from a rational perspective, and quite another to actually have to run through a massive, fuck-off, desert.

"I am becoming a Sweat Element Clone," Shizuka said. She wiped beads of perspiration off of her nose and eyes. "How much longer until we camp for the night, Hatake?"

The cyclops didn't respond.

Of course. Shizuka waited the requisite amount of time before trying again to get the Copy Ninja's attention.

"Hatake?"

"Hmm?"

"You have the most experience with the local terrain." Shizuka repeated, annoyance creeping into her voice, despite her efforts to keep a neutral tone. "Any idea when we'll be able to make camp?"

After weeks of traveling with the man, she had grown used to having to repeat herself when trying to initiate conversation with him, but after hours of running through the scorching desert heat, it struck her nerves more than usual.

"Hmm," Hatake said. He scratched the side of his mask. While Shizuka had ditched her own mask for this stealth mission, Hatake had opted to just cover his own with a bolt of white cloth wrapped around his head. "I guess no one else has really been out here. I think we're a few hours from the middle of the dune sea, which would be a good stopping point."

The man tilted his head to the side, and Shizuka waited patiently for him to finish conveying his thoughts.

"Sundown is about three hours away, give or take," Hatake finally said. "Let's aim for a decent amount after that, when the terrain has cooled down some. We can set up camp on top of the nearest mesa or a pile of rocks."

Shizuka nodded, but then realized that the man couldn't see the body language from his position in the front of the group. "Alright."

The medic huffed and puffed behind them as they tried to gather enough breath to participate in the conversation.

"While I am thankful beyond mortal ken for your assistance in carrying my belongings," Sugiyama said. Shizuka raised an eyebrow at the phrasing and the use of the word 'assistance', but it seemed that Hatake didn't much mind. The fortune teller paused to cough up half of a lung. "Was it truly necessary for us to take such a curving arc through this country? We must be spending thrice as much distance looping in and out of the desert than if we had gone straight to our destination."

"It's necessary," Hatake stated, his voice as stiff as a bar of chakra-forged steel. Hatake's hands fiddled with the massive backpack's straps, loosing some and tightening others. "This isn't a small backwater country with a handful of rival ninja clans. Hidden Sand is one of the big five, and they're allied with Leaf to boot. We'd be wise to spend as little time as possible in Wind Country, and travel through the middle of nowhere as we do so."

Sugiyama sighed. "If it's as you say, then. I will need to administer care to all of us tonight. Again."

"Remind me to raise your paycheck," Hatake said. He glanced back at the out-of-shape shinobi. "And, y'know, actually pay you at some point, I guess. Do you accept cookies?"

"Do we have a plan for the border crossing?" Shizuka asked.

"Uh. Same as the way in, I figured?"

Shizuka frowned. "Not the one out of Wind Country, the crossing into Rain. They might have increased border security since the coup, and it was tight to begin with."

Hatake was silent for a minute.

"To be honest," Hatake replied. He shrugged, and the titanic pack of Sugiyama's equipment jostled up and down with the movement. "I sort of figured that was on your to-do list. You're the team's stealth expert, and nobody else here has any idea what to expect from Rain."

There was a hint of rebuke in the words.

That makes a lot of sense. Shizuka cursed silently. She had been too busy running around to really come up with a solid infiltration scheme, but they had a handful of days left until they reached the border. She could probably think of something foolproof in that amount of time…

"Yes, of course," Shizuka said. She backpedaled slightly. "I was merely seeing if you have any suggestions."

"Eh," Hatake said. "I don't particularly care. Just keep in mind that we'll likely be changing into full civilian clothes once we hit the edge of the dunes. We can cross in those disguises, or we can change and take some time to properly refit our equipment at a border town. Up to you."

"Mhm," she said.



The Crossroads Oasis was a decent-size merchant shanty town. A little on the larger side for this type of settlement, it was close to the lone highway that cut around Wind's northern end before veering drunkenly south to run parallel to the riverlands. A stone's throw away from the patrol zone of Wind Country's eastern border, the town was still about seven or eight miles from the edge of the demilitarized zone that ran around Rain's actual border, a region that was brought into existence at the end of the Second Shinobi War at Hanzou the Salamander's insistence.

It was a simple idea, really. No ninja went in, and no ninja came out. As far as Kakashi knew, that was simply the normal state of affairs (modulo the odd diplomat or missing-nin, of course) until he found out about the coup in Hidden Rain from Shizuka. He wasn't sure how Hanzou's death would change international politics, but he was willing to bet that no nation was going to be chomping at the bit to invade Rain if the new government had successfully overthrown the legendary S-rank shinobi by force.

Kakashi sipped at his beer. It was a strange, spiced ale, with a hint of pumpkin and cinnamon. The taste was way too cloying, and he was regretting not walking up to the bartender of the small tavern and simply saying 'Dark'.

But at least the food is good, Kakashi thought. The flatbread sandwiches and goat cheese had been top of the line, if somewhat overpriced. Cost of doing business next to a desert, I guess.

Shizuka finished her glass of sake and gently placed the empty cup open-side down on the table. Sugiyama had eaten dinner with them before retiring early to get some extra shut eye. Kakashi and Shizuka had spent some time keeping up appearances and keeping an eye out for any ninja that might be tailing or observing them, but after a while Kakashi had concluded that no one was following them and that they could ease up on the caution.

"So," Kakashi said, abandoning his faux Vegetable Country accent for the first time that evening. Nevertheless, he made sure to keep his voice down. "How's tricks?"

Shizuka raised an eyebrow. "Something wrong with your voice?"

"Har har," Kakashi deadpanned. "If you think I'm doing that ridiculous accent for another minute, then I'll sell you the deed to Hidden Whirlpool. Now, have you given any further thought as to how we'll breach the border?"

"Over, under, or through," Shizuka said. The kunoichi leaned forwards to grab Kakashi's mug. Kakashi raised an eyebrow, but motioned for her to continue. She took a sip, grimaced, and splashed a fair amount of the pumpkin-flavored monstrosity on the wooden tabletop. Shizuka started rearranging the spilled beer, drawing a picture in the liquid with a fingertip and some chakra adhesion. "Through. There's a large river that cuts through the border and crosses over into Wind. It's deep. We can do the old upside-down bathtub maneuver and walk across the bottom a few miles. Assuming you still have a few of those air-filled storage seals, it should work."

Wood clacked and clattered as Kakashi leaned back in his seat. "I see. Yeah, I have several more of those. That leaves us a bit vulnerable for my liking though, and it'll take a long while with the three of us. What about the other two options?"

"One's simple enough," Shizuka replied. "You can use your Earth Ninjutsu to carve a tunnel under the border. We walk under."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows. "I don't have enough chakra to make a tunnel that long in a day. Not even close. Technique's too damn inefficient." Kakashi reached forward and took his mug back. He sipped at the liquid and winced slightly at the taste. "We'd have to run very close to the border itself before going under. Might run into some Sand patrols. What's option three?"

Shizuka's mouth twisted into a frown. "Option three is we run like hell over the treeline and don't stop until we can find a place to lay low on the other side."

"Simple," Kakashi said. "Effective. I like it. I assume you've ruled out keeping the disguises up and just walking over the border?"

"I did, in fact, think of that," Shizuka said. The kunoichi was all but rolling her eyes at him. "But I very much doubt the Rain border patrols are going to allow us to walk over without stripping us naked and searching every inch of our bags. They'll figure it out pretty quickly." She nodded towards Obito's eye, which was currently covered by an eyepatch and the hasty head wrap he had put together.

Yup, Kakashi thought. Obito's gift was precious beyond measure, but it made it vastly more difficult for him to move around while disguised. Questions about the eyepatch, headband, bandage, or whatever covering he was using were inevitable. Any shinobi worth their salt would probably ask him to remove it as well, if they remembered that Hatake Kakashi, the Copy Ninja currently wanted dead or alive.

"And I myself am probably on a list," Shizuka said. Her eyes narrowed. "Obviously."

Ah, right.

"Hmm," Kakashi said. He ran a gloved finger along the coarse wood of the tabletop, flicking it back and forth over a particularly splintery bit. "What if we split up? You and I go in one way, and our resident bullshit artist goes in the civilian way."

"That…" Shizuka pursed her lips. "That might work. Not optimal, but it might be safer for everyone overall. We'd have to schedule a rendezvous point and backups, if for some reason one party is detained. And if something goes wrong with your companion's journey, we won't know."

Kakashi hummed in response and stared off into space.

---

It has taken about a day to first get to Wind, and several more to get through the dune sea as a consequence of Kakashi's chosen travel path (namely, curve through the desert in a C-shaped abomination of an arc that stays well away from Hidden Sand proper).

Kakashi has done some very light recon, but given the amount of time present there is no mention of the missing Sand sealmistress.

Sugiyama still has their Medium Consequence. Kakashi still has his Severe. We have to redo the healing math with respect to the in character timeline on that one, but I would be surprised if it had more than 2-3 weeks left to heal up. After that, the Copy Ninja is back in action.


Voting time! What do you do?


[] Sprint over the border to Rain. Make some Shadow Clones to carry Sugiyama and their stuff. Run! Run!! Run!!!
[] Tunnel under the border to Rain. Get closer first, either by stealth or with fast feet.
[] Walk the riverbed. Pack some snacks and light entertainment as well.
[] Split the party. Kakashi and Shizuka head over quickly, while Sugiyama goes over the border under cover.
[] (Write-in)


Remember, we use approval voting, so you can vote for as many plans as you like. Feel free to ping @Paperclipped or @MMKII to ask setting or detail questions that Kakashi could plausibly know.

Voting closes at 5pm, London time, on Saturday, September 24th.