So You've Been Summoned By A Goddess: An Isekai Joint

Commencing virtuous mission.

[X] Steal the box and his clothes. At worst, you have a disguise. At best, you have a disguise and a shiny new toy.

@@@

You're a simple man.

Woman. You're a woman now.

Take two: you're a simple woman with simple tastes. You like wrestling and idols and horror movies and the sound a chainsaw makes when it rips through corpses.

People say you have nonstandard reactions to things, you're the kind of gu...GIRL who laughs at funerals. Blood and guts are more interesting to you than sportsball or whatever normal people like.

Not that you're a psycho or anything. You only cut up the dead unless someone's trying to kill you. And when you cut someone up, it's never pleasure. Strictly business.

Which makes it super weird how good it feels when your partner vibrates against you now. You get why girls like "back massagers" so much. You kinda wish you didn't.

"The ways of women are mysterious and terrifying," you say to yourself, shivering.

These new sensations are disorienting. This new body is disorienting too. Being in another world is even more disorienting. You can hardly understand what's going on.

Hell, you're in a castle. An honest to Danzig castle. The last time you were in a castle, it was a dilapidated thing in some Eastern European depression factory. You were carving up "dissidents" you think were actually zombies.

It sucked.

Your old life sucked.

So you're throwing yourself full steam into this new one. Damn the consequences. Because clearly this isn't real. It's a fever dream you're having because of too much whiskey and Misfits albums, or because you ate the funny mushrooms that rasta guy grew. None of this makes sense, so you're riding the crazy until you wake up.

You pray to remember the softness of this body when you do.

You shake your head, your luxuriously soft hair gets in your eyes. "Gotta get used to that," you mumble, brushing your bangs back behind your ear.

Both eyes clear, you watch the mover, hiding behind a corner. Your partner slides over to make itself comfortable on your butt. You frown, it's getting a little pervy.

The mover touches his temple like he's taking a Bluetooth call. "Where do you want the TenCo cheat console," he says to the air. "Spooky magic chamber, next to the scrying mirror and the NDSnitch? Got it."

They have a Snitch? Awesome! You've been getting pretty into Mash Bros lately, you mained Princess Bitch. Come to think of it, that princess you suplexed kind of looked like PB: blonde, tan and iced out, with dangerous eyes. Her dress was much more modest and you don't think she had a shotgun parasol.

"Oh, and if I see a chubby girl with a chainsaw, alert you immediately?" The mover nods tersely. "Got it."

You pout. You're not chubby, you're thick. With two Cs. This backward ass dream nation just doesn't appreciate your beauty.

In any case, they've still got people looking for you. Your dream has turned into a sneaking mission. You don't have a knifegun or distracting porno mags, so you'll have to make due with CQC.

Holding your partner close, you tiptoe behind the mover with catlike tread. He turns a corner into a corridor and heads down a flight of stone stairs. The stairs are flanked by statues of knights wielding lightsabers. The tip of your partner catches a statue, it rings like a gong.

The mover gently puts down his box and scans the corridor. You can almost see the question mark above his head.

You're flat against the wall, hiding beside the statue you didn't hit. Your arms are tight against your chest, you tighten your stomach too. Just in case.

He frowns, eyes darting, then shrugs. He bends down for his box with perfect lifting form.

That's when you strike. Literally.

You give him a love tap to the head with your partner's body. He goes down in a heap.

After carefully resting your partner on the steps, you strip the mover down. Your eyes drift to his package, you squeeze them shut and suit up. Fitting everything in is a desperate struggle. You're starting to think you should've gone for "cute and petite" when you had the chance.

With a manful effort, you zip up the mover's black jumper and sigh. The breath catches in your chest. You've got another wedgie.

You sulk. "Things normally work better in dreams..."

You take his hat and see he has a rubber band around his finger. You tie your hair back with it; it was only proper to take a defeated enemy's loot.

You would've taken the rabbit knight's armor, but you didn't know how to get it off. A convenient dream would've given you an inventory prompt, but you didn't get one.

"Man, this dream is kinda kusoge," you mutter, tying the moving man's hands behind his back with one of your stockings. You stuff him between the wall and a statue. "But hey, glorious girl body."

You give your boobs a reaffirming squeeze and bend over to grab the box. The box says "TenCo Cheat Console v. 1.31415". This must be what the mover was talking about, what Ariel was talking about. Reality hacks. Cheat skills. The most important part of filthy isekai wish fulfillment.

Your wish got fulfilled, though.

Might as well take it; loot is loot. You can always fiddle with it and sell powers to people. If you can't figure it out, you can sell it. That's what Nico would do and Nico's good at business stuff.

Your danger sense kicks in and you duck. A crossbow bolt whizzes past you.

"Drop the box." You hear a familiar voice, high and sweet. "Hands behind your head."

You comply. Your partner is many things, but projectile it is not.

"Now turn around," the voice says. "I want to see if your face is as cute as the rest of you."

You blush, brain shutting down. You've never been called cute before. Bashfully, you turn around, eyes to the ground. You see high top sneakers, thigh highs and jean shorts. You blink at a shiny chrome buckle on a rawhide gunslinger's belt, rakishly tilted on well defined hips. You look up to bare midriff and black tank top, tribal tats and auburn hair in a loose bun. You fixate on a killing smile and a pretty face.

Oh, and the crossbow pointed at you. That's important.

Your brain restarts. You know who this is. You have many questions but only manage one.

"...Nico?"

[A wild NICO has appeared!]
[ ] FIGHT
[ ] TALK
[ ] ITEM
-[ ] BOX
-[ ] PARTNER
-[ ] STOCKING
[ ] FLEE

Fight silly with silly.

[X] ITEM
-[X] STOCKING

@@@

Nico pointing a weapon at you spooks you stupid. He has that effect on people.

Your poor brain, overloaded with new data and old wounds, shuts off. You're acting on instinct now.

You take off your other stocking and hand it to Nico, smiling vacantly. "I has a present."

"What the fuck?" Nico looks at you funny. Which is funny, since you feel funny right now. "Are you high?"

"You don't turn down a girl's stocking," you push it towards him. "Especially if that girl's a friend."

Nico smacks your hand away. "We ain't friends." His crossbow is still trained on you. "And I drop panties, not stockings."

You stagger like Mike Tyson hit you with a brick. How could Nico not be your friend? How could you lose your only flesh friend? Nico was the only person who got your wanting to be a girl thing. You never had the courage to crossdress, so you lived through Nico. He dressed daringly, daring people to say something so he could put them in the ground.

And now he's saying you're not friends? After all the cleaning you did for him? All the drunken nights and awkward mornings after?

As soon as you find an anchor in this screwball world, it's gone.

"Not groovy, Nico," you cry, dabbing at your eyes with the stocking. "Not fucking groovy."

"How the fuck do you know my name?" Nico's eyes bulge and his nostrils flare. His finger rests on the crossbow's trigger. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Ash Campbell," your voice and heart crack, "you cross dressing cockgoblin!"

"Wait, Ash?" Nico looks at you, then past you and takes his finger off the trigger. "You look more, uh, Ashley than I remember."

"I got a new body," you sniff, blowing your nose into your wet stocking. "From some goddess chick."

Nico rests his crossbow on a cocked hip. "Is that where you got the one stocking look from? Because the goddess chick that sent me here had one stocking on."

You shake your head no, "Mine was short and had a complex about boobs."

Nico snorts, gesturing to your chest. "She got you smuggling watermelons, then?"

"Nope!" You pull down your collar, showing off your new boob mole. "All natural, just like Helena Hex. I've even got the mole, see?"

"Sure you should be showing me that, Ash?" Nico gives you an easy, predator smile. "You know I've got a reputation."

"If it's you, I wouldn't mind," you blush. "N-No homo."

Nico laughs. "Wouldn't that be cheating on your partner? Right in front of him?"

With a yelp, you scramble for your partner. It lies neglected on the stairs. You hug it tightly, gently rocking.

"I'd never cheat on you, partner," you coo and kiss its safety throttle. "Unless you were into NTR."

"Yep, you're Ash." Nico says, sitting on the box you took from the mover. "I'm surprised you never married that thing, waifu style."

"My partner's all man," you say defensively. "He'd be a husbando."

"So you and him are perfect for each other."

You remember your partner's good vibrations and grimace with embarrassment. "Screw you, man."

Nico puts his hands up, smiles with his eyes closed. "Sorry, sorry. So what brings you to...wherever the hell this is?"

You narrow your eyes, still fuming. "You first."

Nico shrugs. "Got a job. Client wanted a new tech toy. One that you," he pats the box, "found for me."

"Finders keepers Nico," you wear your partner like a purse again. "My goddess said it was an important isekai cheat skill thingy."

"Just call it a parallel world," Nico says, nonplussed. "Isekai makes you sound like a weeb."

"I'm an American living in Japan," you say, deadpan. "I don't talk it, I live it."

"Fair," Nico says. "I'm keeping the box, though. I can introduce you to my contact here, if you want."

"What about your client?"

"Not how I do things," Nico says. "And they're still on Earth, I think."

You file that away in the "help Ariel" box, next to the motor oil and Aki Mito posters.

"Oooor we could fiddle with the box and give ourselves super cool super powers!" You roll onto the balls of your feet and lean towards Nico. You used to tower over him. Now you're face to face.

"Oooor I could shoot you, take your outfit and the box, and leave you to the guards." Nico says.

You hear the heavy tromp of many armored footsteps and loud, vaguely Russian swearing.

"I want her mounted on my wall, yes!"

You look to Nico and flutter your lashes. "Hey Nico~ We're friends, right?"

Nico looks to you. "You've taken to being a chick real quick, Ash."

You vamp. "I was born for it."

"Got another one of those moving outfits?"

"Nope."

Nico clucks his tongue. "Shit. Let's make a deal: I tell you everything I know about this world if you give me that outfit."

"Throw in your thigh highs."

"What?"

"I gave you stockings, you give me stockings. Quid pro quo."

"I didn't take your goddamned stocking," he hisses.

You stuff your stocking down Nico's jean shorts. "Now you have."

Nico flinches, shakes his head. "That's not how that works, but fuck it." He takes off his right sneaker and stocking, then hands over the stocking. "You only get one."

"This is super intimate," you whisper, sliding Nico's stocking on. You realize you left your shoes in the throne room.

"Don't make this weirder than it already is, Ash," Nico mutters, putting his sneaker back on.

[What do you do?]
[ ] Give him your outfit. A deal's a deal.
[ ] Take the stocking, the box and run. If Nico was willing to shoot you for it, it must be important.
[ ] Get Nico to fight the rabbit knight with you. Recurring mid bosses need to be challenged properly.
[ ] Use Nico as a distraction and make up with the princess. She was a pretty good sport about the whole German Suplex thing. She might even infodump for you!