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Petals of Titanium -- My Life as a Mecha Setting Bridge Bunny Quest

Voted best in category in the Users' Choice awards.
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Gazetteer said:
Out of curiosity, did you all find the secret in that image post?
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I, personally, like Mazlo better. He's so sparkly. :p

veekie said:
I want to know how the ships fit into these descriptions.
They definitely have Unusual Looks, but what about the other part?!
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Well, The Night Lily is a prototype stealth-ship. Her station of birth was destroyed and she was forced to hide amongst wreckages of ships that fell defending her. She certainly is Someone mysterious with a troubled past.

The Titanium Rose's senior officers (Andre, Perbeck, Grayson) are all stern and professional, but if you get to know the ship better, you'll find quite nice and friendly people amongst her lower ranks (Anja, Ito, Nowak). So you can say she's Someone serious and unapproachable, with a private warmer side.


[X] Someone mysterious with a troubled past
[X] Unusual looks
 
Gazetteer said:
"I expect so, ma'am," you agree, drifting over close enough to offer her the tray… before getting hung on on the obvious fact that she has no free hand to take it.
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only one "on" here instead of two

Gazetteer said:
She snorts a little. "He died defending me." in a few seconds, her shoulders sag, and she relents. "... but, I was was defending the ships, so, that's pedantic. It's.. just a waste. Song too. She was green, and arrogant, but this wasn't meant to be a challenging assignment. Being a highborn officer doesn't merely give license to act high handed and superior. There are expectations, responsibilities. If she'd lived longer than her first engagement, she might have learned that."
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She snorts a little. "He died defending me." In a few seconds her shoulders sag and she relents. "... but, I was defending the ships so that's pedantic. It's just a waste. Song too. She was green and arrogant, but this wasn't meant to be a challenging assignment. Being a highborn officer doesn't merely give license to act high handed and superior. There are expectations, responsibilities. If she'd lived longed than her first engagement, she might have learned that."

Your use of commas here is in too high a volume.

Gazetteer said:
"All of them. The red, orange and yellow pills stop my immune system from rejecting my cybernetics and killing me," she says. "The green and blue try to make up for the crippled immune system it so that minor viral infections don't just kill me anyway. The grey lets me sleep at all. The blue patches are for the… migraines. Attacks, really. Sometimes they cause actual seizures." She looks at you, tired and impassive, waiting to see how you'll react.

"Ah," you say, nodding slowly. You glance pointedly around, at the hummin machines and the out of the way space, where you quite doubt J6 would have willingly come if she'd known she was going to collapse. "Do you normally have to worry about the… attacks happening at inconvenient times?" You can't imagine a worse sort of condition for a pilot to have to manage.
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The green and blue try to make up for the crippled immune system it so that minor viral infections don't just kill me anyway. o_O This sentence needs work. I understand what you wanted to say with it, but no actual human being would say "it so that" and not get weird looks let alone someone like J6 who is a military professional. Either add North thinking about this slip up or change the sentence.

Also humming not hummin.

Gazetteer said:
"I'm… sorry," you say, after a moment, "if I've offended you." You're entirely uncertain how you'd even begin to tell whether or not you have, short of asking. Even as you think this, however, you clearly perceive her eyes widen in very slight confusion. She isn't, after all, a machine. Or at least, not most of one

"You haven't… offended," J6 explains, slowly. "I like talking to you. You're… calming."

You frown slightly, struggling to recall a time in which J6 has seemed uncalm. "Well… that's good," you say, turning your smile into a frown. As she experimentally pushes herself off from the nearest wall, moving with obvious stiffness but nonetheless actually moving, she doesn't return the smile. Instead, she only nods.
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First segment is incomplete. had seemed uncalm not has seemed uncalm. Is North supposed to be turning her smile into a frown or is it the other way around and you got it mixed up?

Gazetteer said:
She glances up at you, and gives you grin. It's closer to a bearing of teeth than anything joyful, although the anger seems less at you and more at some unseen third party. "Fucking terrible," she says with enough force that you flinch slightly. "I'm not sleeping. I can barely make myself eat. I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to tell my mother, and I am going to have to tell her something, aren't I?"
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She glances up at you and gives you a grin. It's closer to a bearing of teeth than anything joyful, although the anger seems less at you and more at some unseen third party. "Fucking terrible," she says with enough force that you flinch slightly. "I'm not sleeping. I can barely make myself eat. I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to tell my mother and I am going to have to tell her something, aren't I?"

Again you are overusing punctuation.

Gazetteer said:
"Any plans for Iapetus?" she asks, not wasting time.
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The comma is supposed to be there.

Gazetteer said:
"Yes, North. Drunk. At a bar. With alcohol. I have never in my life met someone who needs to get drunk as much as you do, and that's saying something, because you cannot imagine how badly I need a good drink right now. Or a bad drink. Anything that won't literally strike me blind. I'm not picky." Her grin is a little more genuine now. Moreso at your wide-eyed stare.
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Remove the comma before the "and" and it's More so not Moreso.

Gazetteer said:
She makes a final roll, and the program tallies up her results. A middling score, nothing spectacular. It seems like the trauma and stress of recent events has thrown her off her dice game. The score results in Anja making a face, before clearing the board, and starting another solitaire game. She glances up at you, though, and grins again. "The other half is that seeing you drunk will be funny."
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Remove every comma before an "and".

Gazetteer said:
You blink at this, curiosity overcoming your embarrassment. "What about Karel?" you ask, remembering her boyfriend's name.

"What about him?" Anja makes a new first roll, and keeps most of the dice this time. "We're not that exclusive. I mean, we'd better not be, the amount of girls he goes through while I'm away."
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You blink at this, curiosity overcoming your embarrassment. "What about Karel?" ,you ask remembering her boyfriends name.

"What about him? Anja makes a new first roll and keeps most of the dice this time. "We're not that exclusive. I mean we'd better not be with the amount of girls he goes trough while I'm away."

Now you have a comma in the wrong spot on top of all the excess in putting commas in places they don't belong in.

Gazetteer said:
"Like I said, though, it's going to be hard to get much male attention if I'm out with you." She stops, tilting her head consideringly. "... You've actually never told me: What are you even into?"
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"Like I said though it's going to be hard to get much male attention if I'm out with you." She stops tilting her head consideringly. "... You've actually never told me: What are you even into?"

More excess in commas.

Gazetteer said:
You think about this for a long moment, mostly to keep her in suspense, before replying, with a gently amused smile: "Yes."

She stares at you for a moment, trying to decide whether or not you're being annoying. She seems to settle with somewhere in between -- she laughs again. "Well, that's convenient," she admits. "I'm stuck with only going for men who specifically my mother will disapprove of."
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You think about this for a long moment, mostly to keep her in suspense, before replying with a gently amused smile: "Yes."

She stares at you for a moment, trying to decide whether or not you're being annoying. She seems to settle with somewhere in between -- she laughs again. "Well, that's convenient," she admits. "I'm stuck with only going for men who specifically my mother will disapprove of."

Well that was a lot less commas to remove than I thought it would be.

Gazetteer said:
This question has significance, in that it's going to be used to signal interest in a romantic entanglement with a pilot. Pilot - bridge bunny romance being a treasured genre tradition, choosing one of these options will not quite lock you into that option, but it will make me feel as if I can have Amani go more directly down one road or another. There are options for Ito as well, but obviously that particular route is off the table at this point. If "definitely no one in the navy" wins, that's a good indicator that people don't' want a romantic subplot. I might still provide the option later if it makes sense, but I'll be less likely to steer towards that as an endpoint for certain relationships you're building.

Pick one from each category here, votes will be tallied in sets:

Personality:

[ ] Someone brave, maybe sometimes even a little recklessness

[ ] Someone serious and unapproachable, with a private warmer side

[ ] Somene mysterious with a troubled past

[ ] Definitely no one in the military
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So is it definitely no on in the military or navy? Also Someone not Somene.

Interesting chapter. Going to have to think about what I am voting for. Good work and hope you have more time to work on your own projects now that you've settled in.
 
Gazetteer said:
Out of curiosity, did you all find the secret in that image post?
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Huh, she kind of reminds me of a genderswapped O'Brien from Yu-Gi-Oh GX. Which is good, because he was the third best character in that show, behind Edgelord McCyberdragon and the guy who carried around an actual, fully grown, live crocodile on his back at all times.

[X] Someone serious and unapproachable, with a private warmer side.
[X] Tall blondes
 
Dmol8 said:
only one "on" here instead of two



She snorts a little. "He died defending me." In a few seconds her shoulders sag and she relents. "... but, I was defending the ships so that's pedantic. It's just a waste. Song too. She was green and arrogant, but this wasn't meant to be a challenging assignment. Being a highborn officer doesn't merely give license to act high handed and superior. There are expectations, responsibilities. If she'd lived longed than her first engagement, she might have learned that."

Your use of commas here is in too high a volume.



The green and blue try to make up for the crippled immune system it so that minor viral infections don't just kill me anyway. o_O This sentence needs work. I understand what you wanted to say with it, but no actual human being would say "it so that" and not get weird looks let alone someone like J6 who is a military professional. Either add North thinking about this slip up or change the sentence.

Also humming not hummin.



First segment is incomplete. had seemed uncalm not has seemed uncalm. Is North supposed to be turning her smile into a frown or is it the other way around and you got it mixed up?



She glances up at you and gives you a grin. It's closer to a bearing of teeth than anything joyful, although the anger seems less at you and more at some unseen third party. "Fucking terrible," she says with enough force that you flinch slightly. "I'm not sleeping. I can barely make myself eat. I have no idea whatsoever what I'm going to tell my mother and I am going to have to tell her something, aren't I?"

Again you are overusing punctuation.



The comma is supposed to be there.



Remove the comma before the "and" and it's More so not Moreso.



Remove every comma before an "and".



You blink at this, curiosity overcoming your embarrassment. "What about Karel?" ,you ask remembering her boyfriends name.

"What about him? Anja makes a new first roll and keeps most of the dice this time. "We're not that exclusive. I mean we'd better not be with the amount of girls he goes trough while I'm away."

Now you have a comma in the wrong spot on top of all the excess in putting commas in places they don't belong in.



"Like I said though it's going to be hard to get much male attention if I'm out with you." She stops tilting her head consideringly. "... You've actually never told me: What are you even into?"

More excess in commas.



You think about this for a long moment, mostly to keep her in suspense, before replying with a gently amused smile: "Yes."

She stares at you for a moment, trying to decide whether or not you're being annoying. She seems to settle with somewhere in between -- she laughs again. "Well, that's convenient," she admits. "I'm stuck with only going for men who specifically my mother will disapprove of."

Well that was a lot less commas to remove than I thought it would be.



So is it definitely no on in the military or navy? Also Someone not Somene.

Interesting chapter. Going to have to think about what I am voting for. Good work and hope you have more time to work on your own projects now that you've settled in.
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I'm glad you're enjoying it.
1. I fixed the obvious typos here that I missed (like "hung on on" instead of "hung up on" or that extra "it" in that sentence.)
2. I will not be removing commas and punctuation from dialogue that are meant to convey the cadence of human speech. My goal here is not to have characters who have the same voice as a wikipedia article. Like, you flagged a paragraph of dialogue from Anja as "overusing punctuation." Those sentences could have been organised with less periods and commas. I am not writing a formal essay there, though, I am using a lot of full stops because she is speaking in a halting, clipped manner. Taking away the punctuation changes the meaning of the quoted passage.
3. Moreso is nonstandard but common in North American English. Oxford recognises it as a word, you can find articles on its usage if you're really that interested.
4. It is completely acceptable to place a comma before an and in a sentence that lists three or more items. You have me on some of those other commas, which I have gone through and corrected. But, like, in others, simply taking the comma out of "She glances up at you, though, and grins again" changes the meaning and the flow of the sentence in a detrimental way which I care more about than grammatical prescriptivism for its own sake. I'm not super interested in having a debate about this.
 
[X] Someone mysterious with a troubled past
[X] Unusual looks

This kind of person is my jam in mecha series. Want.

Gazetteer said:
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
1. I fixed the obvious typos here that I missed (like "hung on on" instead of "hung up on" or that extra "it" in that sentence.)
2. I will not be removing commas and punctuation from dialogue that are meant to convey the cadence of human speech. My goal here is not to have characters who have the same voice as a wikipedia article. Like, you flagged a paragraph of dialogue from Anja as "overusing punctuation." Those sentences could have been organised with less periods and commas. I am not writing a formal essay there, though, I am using a lot of full stops because she is speaking in a halting, clipped manner. Taking away the punctuation changes the meaning of the quoted passage.
3. Moreso is nonstandard but common in North American English. Oxford recognises it as a word, you can find articles on its usage if you're really that interested.
4. It is completely acceptable to place a comma before an and in a sentence that lists three or more items. You have me on some of those other commas, which I have gone through and corrected. But, like, in others, simply taking the comma out of "She glances up at you, though, and grins again" changes the meaning and the flow of the sentence in a detrimental way which I care more about than grammatical prescriptivism for its own sake. I'm not super interested in having a debate about this.
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1. OK
2. Good to know it was intentional in service to characterization. Also organized not organised.
3. Ah it's North American Slang got it. Also recognizes not recognises.
4. Ah so some are also in service of the flow. OK.

So when does the vote end?

Also tally:
Adhoc vote count started by Yun on Jul 30, 2018 at 11:45 AM, finished with 88 posts and 56 votes.
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Dmol8 said:
2. Good to know it was intentional in service to characterization. Also organized not organised.
3. Ah it's North American Slang got it. Also recognizes not recognises.
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You do realise that most of the world does not have the misfortune to be American, right? And from the mention of Oxford as a reference, that probably includes Gazatteer.
 
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Tiroth said:
You do realise that most of the world does not have the misfortune to be American, right? And from the mention of Oxford as a reference, that probably includes Gazatteer.
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You do realise that I was being sardonic in response to Gazatteer using North American English Slang while also using proper Commonwealth English since she is from Nova Scotia? Like I'm Serbian in case you didn't read my location info and the English language is considered to be gibbering nonsense on a good day by anyone who likes the way Serbian Language works let alone when someone decides that it's a good idea to mix two subtly different versions of the nonsense in casual conversation. Like ow my brain ow the spelling of the nonsense is worse than usual ow.
 
Tiroth said:
You do realise that most of the world does not have the misfortune to be American, right? And from the mention of Oxford as a reference, that probably includes Gazatteer.
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Eh, no, I'm pretty sure that moreso is an Americanism. Standard Canadian English is basically American and British English thrown in a blender, right down to us using half British and half American spellings (The our in colour is standard Canadian, but my use of ise instead of ize in words like 'realise' is a pretentious affectation from when I was in highschool that I've hung onto because changing back now is not worth it).

I cited Oxford because when I say that moreso is contested, I mean like... Oxford is literally the only major dictionary that formally acknowledges it. It is in that weird grey area where there is long-documented usage and some recognition, but don't try to use it in your university paper regardless of where you are. I'm not surprised that Dmol8 flagged it as a typo, that would be pretty natural for anyone who's been taught more formal English.
Adhoc vote count started by Gazetteer on Jul 30, 2018 at 8:52 PM, finished with 99 posts and 60 votes.
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[x] Someone serious and unapproachable, with a private warmer side
[x] Tall blondes

Personally I'd take a great smile or unusual looks over tall blondes, but if we're going to pursue romance let's cut to the chase. Since serious with a warmer side is winning the personality vote handily, I'm voting for the matching appearance so that we can get the ship under way promptly instead of prolonging the tease.
 
Edit: OK the tally took a bit.
Tally ho:
Adhoc vote count started by Dmol8 on Jul 31, 2018 at 5:53 AM, finished with 1397 posts and 62 votes.
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Adhoc vote count started by Dmol8 on Jul 31, 2018 at 5:55 AM, finished with 1397 posts and 62 votes.
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Adhoc vote count started by Dmol8 on Jul 31, 2018 at 5:55 AM, finished with 1397 posts and 62 votes.
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Adhoc vote count started by Dmol8 on Jul 31, 2018 at 5:56 AM, finished with 1397 posts and 62 votes.
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[X] Someone mysterious with a troubled past

[X] Unusual looks

Though Perbeck is in her thirties?
J6 is quite interesting.
 
Aww, smiles are losing now. Guess I'll jump ship. But I can't vote for liking tall blondes; I am a tall blonde. I'm pretty sure that's some kind of perverse deviancy, and you're all a freaky bunch of weirdos! :o

[X] Someone mysterious with a troubled past
[X] Unusual looks

Entertainment of value of a Waifu War aside, I'm not that invested in the outcome here. The romantic attraction vote kind of came out of left field for me, so I'm fine with whatever happens.
 
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