Dragon Harem Quest - Or: Saying You Were Gay Wasn't The Conversation-Ender You Hoped For

It's-

eugh gods-

guhhh deep breaths Eldingar deep breaths deep deep- hrgnk

Takara, alarmed by the strange noises you're making, turns to find you roughly shoving fistfuls of bearer-bonds into your bag as enthusiastically as one would rotting mouse-corpses. It's enough to give even them pause in whatever it is they're doing.

"Are... are you okay-?"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME"

Takara whips right back around and you concentrate on not letting the tears fall as you clean out the vault of every last scrap of the hateful paper wealth. You just keep stuffing the bag with more and more and more, your astonishment at how much can fit matched only by your deep disgust and shame at yourself for stooping to this level. It's almost a relief when finally the bag can take no more and you prod the last protruding pieces of paper down past the neck and pull the drawstring tight. Okay... okay you managed that. You may never feel clean again but you managed it, and you deserve a little something for powering through.

You fall flat on your back in the gold with a heavy metallic thunk and wriggle around on the pile. You can't feel it as much as you'd like through the suit, but really it's the principle of the thing. You've been inside the Rossos' hoard and rolled around on top of it, if they were dragons they'd be shamed for life. The thought's enough to make you smile even after everything.

You glance over at Takara and notice them, rather than burgling more loot, cracking open some egg-shaped thing and dumping the contents into their cupped palm. You crane your neck up.

"What's that?" you ask.

They turn, tilting their had to give you a better look. Nestled in their palm is what appears to be some kind of beetle made entirely of gold, mandibles flexing eagerly as its antenna sway this way and that.

"It's a goldbug," they explain with unabashed glee. "Bred by wizards to fuck with their rivals. When you release one it eats all the gold it can find and lays mimic-eggs in its wake - and when someone touches them? They all hatch into tiny bitey mites."

Your jaw slowly drops in abject horror. "Wizards are monsters," you breathe.

"Yeah they are," Takara replies with a wicked, fanged grin as they tip their hand and let the goldbug fall. You watch it glitter and gleam as it falls, turning one complete revolution and landing on its many feet atop a small peak in the mound of gold. For one heartstopping second it remains motionless.

And then it eats.

It's like something out of a nightmare to watch. The goldbug's just shovelling coins into its maw faster than it should be able to chew, faster than you've ever eaten even in your hungriest moments. Past a certain point it just seems to be absorbing the gold in a vaguely face-shaped direction, letting it pass straight through to almost instantly become an identical egg. Coins fly up like arterial spray as the hungering beast dives down beneath the surface, precious metal rattling and rumbling as muted chewing filters up through the gold.

"You should probably move," Takara prompts you. You leap up from the gold as if burnt and hurry to the safe space in the middle of the room, almost crowding Takara as they rummage around for yet another trinket. You, you're too emotionally confused to figure out whether Takara is a monster of the highest order or the greatest heist-partner who ever lived for the ruinous humiliation they've consigned your rivals to. You settle on changing the subject instead.

"Howww are we getting out?" you ask, keeping one eye nervously on the ominous ripples of the goldbug chewing its way through the hoard. "By now the worst of the chaos must be done with."

"You see that ring of warding runes around the wall?"

"No I ah... wasn't paying attention," you admit.

"Yes, well, you should probably start, sweetie." Takara produces another paper tag between their fingers, inscribed with characters you don't have time to register before they hurl it. Smack goes the tag against the solid band of runes, neat ink-strokes glowing with an inner light as the circuit breaks. You can even hear a glassy shattering sound as whatever magic was at work fades.

"Anti-teleportation," they go on. "Used to stop anyone just portalling in or out. In our case -arm around mine dear- we are going to be going..."

You lock arms with Takara, eager to do anything if it means not being stuck in an enclosed space with a gold-eating abomination. Takara whips their arm around in an over-theatrical-even-for-you gesture and crisply snaps their fingers. All at once the world seems to distort and draw in on itself as if seen through a lens, all the air in the room bearing down on you all at once and squeezing you as if through a straw as you're crushed down into a tiny mixed marble of people and-

-pop out the other side in the cool night air, somewhere along the southwest docks you think.

"... out!" Takara finishes, tapping the wall beside another paper tag they must have left earlier in the day. Now that you have time to take a proper look the characters spell out something along the lines of 'retreat, anchor, recall'. "Good for short distances mostly, but-" they shrug "-I got a little lazy at the end there, what can ya do."

You're decently far from the scene of your crime now, the docks quiet and still as a graveyard at this time of night, but you can still faintly hear the House Rosso enclave losing its mind in the distance. You raise one talon and open your mouth to ask further questions, but anything you might have otherwise said soon dies on your lips because now that the rush of theft has worn off you realise how very tired you are. So you mostly just blink blearily and look like you've forgotten how to function for a minute.

"Looks like the big blue baby's sleepy~" Takara teases.

"Am not," you mumble petulantly. "I could stay up for days if I so chose."

"Mhm." Takara snickers to themselves. "C'mon, I'll let you back into my place big guy. You can crash there 'til the heat dies down while I fence my half."

You glare at them suspiciously. "And let you steal my half while I sleep? Hah. I'm no fool."

"Oh please." They hold their hand over their heart. "I swear to you that your share is yours alone. I won't so much as touch the bag. May you curse me with every drop of your draconic power should I break that oath."

Your eyes narrow to slits, studying their face for any sign of deception and playing back their words for any obvious loopholes.

"Fine. Show me sleep." You pause. "Place. Show me a place to sleep, (fuck)."

Getting back to Takara's safehouse is mostly a blur of lumbering along through the dead of night, navigating some stairs, the sound of keys clicking in the lock and the sensation of collapsing. Before you know it you've blinked and suddenly you're lying on your back, sprawled across the couch like a cat determined to take up as much space as possible, staring up at the ceiling through a dusty shaft of light courtesy of the window behind you. You blink sluggishly a few times, shifting slightly on the couch, ears peeled for any sign of Takara moving around in the other rooms, but there's nothing. You're all alone in the townhouse and -you snap to attention and check- still in possession of your ill-gotten gains. It seems all's well that ended well, at least so far.

There's a knock on the door.

"... what?" you call, more bewildered than anything else.

"Lord Elding?" your secretary's voice -Bertrina you think?- filters through the door, slightly muffled. "I thought it best to speak to you about recent events at your earliest convenience."

"Ah, I see. I just need a moment to-"

CRACK goes the wood as her foot drives through the lock, splintering and shattering as the ruined door almost sheepishly swings inward to admit her. She strides in as if nothing were out of the ordinary, cradling a thick leather-bound notebook.

"-(stay right here I suppose)," you finish under your breath.

"Apologies," she says. "I had no key. I'll arrange for the House to buy the building when we leave. On to the matter at hand - you are aware of the ruinous attack on the House Rosso enclave and their vault, yes?"

You look down at yourself. You didn't change forms or clothes before you slept. You are still a bipedal blue dragon in a sneaking suit.

"... I know of it, yes," you say seriously, folding your claws around the bag full of bearer bonds balanced on your belly with a rubbery creak.

"House Rosso representatives were understandably difficult to reach, but I believe I was able to adequately convey to them that House Elding is still willing to discuss the terms of a buyout come the week's end, albeit perhaps not in the direction they were expecting," she recites coolly, amber eyes flicking between you and her notebook and back again. "Additionally I took the liberty of arranging a board meeting - if you would like to attend and personally restore faith in your leadership, I'm sure it would be much appreciated. If you get changed now and follow my planned route you can make it with time to spare and breakfast in your choice of three cuisines."

You blink once. "How were you not promoted sooner?"

"There was competition," she replies flatly.

You pause a moment, eyes narrowing slightly. "What kind of competition?"

"No one was killed. Your schedule?"

"Oh. Yes. Wait for me outside."

Waiting outside, Amina thankfully gets to miss the worst of the grunting and squirming and creaking and squeaking as you try to free yourself from the prison Takara left you in and make yourself presentable. It feels like an eternity until you emerge in a presentable state, Lord Elding guise slightly more hasty and dishevelled than usual, having to quicken your pace just to keep up with her almost mechanically tireless gait. You get a quick breakfast of street food in the form of a meat skewer, which you surreptitiously snap in half and eat whole, and before you know it you're striding back into your House headquarters like a new man.

You quicken your pace slightly and pull ahead, Amina settling into your wake as you lead the way and dramatically throw open the double-doors to the second floor meeting room. All heads turn to see you enter, half a dozen men in all from all corners of the land, united -or so you once thought- by faith in your leadership. They watch in silence, whatever it is they thought to say dying on their lips as you wordlessly round the long table and stride to your proper place at its head, right where the biggest and fanciest chair sits. You pause beside it, free hand resting on the carved oak armrest, and upend your Bag of Holding on the table. An entire pile of creased, bent or otherwise lightly-crumpled bearer bonds come flooding out, each one of them elaborately decorated with Arosan knot borders and runic letterheading that proudly declares the bearer's entitlement to A Great Deal Of Money. For several long moments the only sound in the room is the soft papery rustling of the pile settling. A few fell on the floor but it's just paper money, you don't care. You feel the overwhelming urge to extend a middle-finger or two but that would be inappropriate in this context so you try something else.

"Any rumours of a buyout were greatly exaggerated," you say. The room immediately comes alive in a storm of gratitude and praise and various assenting noises before slowly transitioning into all six members clapping. Ordinarily you'd take the well-deserved praise for what it is and move on, but meeting Takara has changed things. Your eyes narrow as you slowly scan the room, inspecting each man in turn.

"And on the subject of rumours," you add, to an immediate reduction in volume and enthusiasm, "none of you would put any stock in the rumour I have been made aware of that I am a dragon... would you?"

Immediately the furor returns in the other direction, every man present enthusiastically expressing that no of course not they would never believe a word of such falsehoods and to assume otherwise for even a moment would just be absurd ha ha ha ha ha. You remain undeterred, electric-blue eyes focused. Watching as the Sultanate elf you at least partially based your primary guise on swallows nervously, as two beads of sweat roll down the bald, dark-skinned human's temple, as the first Arosan orc glances at his fellows for help when he doesn't think you're looking and the other clasps his hands so tightly the knuckles turn white. You watch and you listen, and the only person in the room not clearly nervous is Amina.

CRACK go your hands as you bring them down on the table. "I am not an IDIOT!" you shout at the top of your lungs, the echoing rumble of thunder rattling the windows in their frames and shaking the glass tumblers dangerously in the drinks cabinet as the board members nervously clutch at the edge of the table for support. You know even before you lift your hands that you've shifted back, but at this point you just don't care. "I did not hire you all to be my brainless yes-men!"

"Of course not sir!" the dwarf agrees eagerly.

"Shut it!" you jab your talon at him in particular, arcs of lighting popping off the tip threateningly. He shuts up. You return to shouting in more general terms. "I have always done my best not to micromanage this House and leave you all to your own devices but this deception is unacceptable! I should throw you all out on the street for this! I could! And I would be right to do so!"

You pause again, eyes flicking left and right across the spread of men seated before you. You can't quite fathom the air of their reactions - many of them look relieved as much as they do contrite, albeit they visibly tense as they feel your gaze upon them. You breathe harder and harder, hot jets of air huffing from your nose as you feel your markings half-flicker to life. You raise one crooked talon to dispense your judgement, whatever judgement in particular it is that you spit out when the time comes because your brain is much too preoccupied being furious to think that far ahead at the moment.

"Sir?" Amina interjects.

You double-take, craning your neck slightly as if to peer at her. "Y- yes, what is it?"

"Might I humbly suggest that you table any discussion of executive-level restructuring for now?" she says. "It has been a greatly trying time for this House and its management given the recent dramatic fluctuations in finances. Perhaps take a few personal days?"

You take a long, slow breath and point at her for good measure. "That... sounds... like an excellent idea. I will do that. And you-" you swing your talon around to point at the board one last time "-should all reassess the way you wish to work within my organisation."

You shift back down into your Elding guise, mostly so you have a collar that you can angrily adjust as an emphatic full-stop to your ultimatum. You stride quickly and purposefully from the meeting room, Amina falling neatly in step as you pass, and head straight up to your office where almost the moment you have the door shut you're leaning heavily in your desk, head in your hands and meaningfully eyeing your own personal drinks cabinet in the corner. Amina, on the other hand, does an impression of a very regal statue so well that you nearly forget she's there.

"Yes?" you say waspishly at last.

"Just one last matter before I leave you to your own devices, sir," she replies, delicately turning to a fresh page in her notebook with one extended talon. "Some matters will of course need attending to while you take your personal days. If you had any particular points or desires you wished to discuss, I would be happy to make note of them."

You get up out of your chair with a groan and walk to the window instead, leaning heavily against the frame as you gaze out into the street and across the rooftops beyond. There was already so much to do that having to run your House on top of that just seems downright unfair. Sure you saved its finances but what about yours? You need gold! And you have Mother wherever the hell she is, perched like a vulture somewhere in the city waiting for updates about your living situation- augh and the living situation! Everyone back at the spire! How quickly have the contractors been at work? Will the others be annoyed when you finally get back? You grind the heel of your palm into the centre of your brow. What you wouldn't give for a return to the good old days.

[ ] Go update Mother on recent events. Doing so voluntarily is as appealing as pulling teeth, but showing 'willingness' may leave her more inclined to be charitable. As to where to find her, well, you're certain you just have to follow the sounds of ultimate suffering.
[ ] Speak with Amina about what the House will be focusing on during your short vacation. She's probably not going to burn it down or rob you while you're away like the last secretary, but maybe what little useful input you have to offer will mean something.
[ ] Head to the Adventurers Guild in town and arrange for an expedition with your new influx of funds. You're in a Mood and the only cure is gold, jewels and magic trinkets - and the Beyond is the best place to get all three of those quick.
[ ] Buy a gift or two for the others back at the spire (and a few for you) before you go home. You're sure you can make... ffffairly good guesses as to what they would like, even at this early stage. Retail therapy still works when it's to impress someone else.
--[ ] Write-in any suggestions or predictions as to who would like what.