The sight of a Goddess kneeling at your feet isn't what brings you back to the ground.
For just a second, you reflect on the sight of your own body. You avoid doing so at almost all times, but it feels unavoidable right now. It's only been a few months that you've been so heavy, and only a few weeks that you've been anywhere near your current weight. The sheer amount of fat on you is still incredibly foreign. Most of your life was spent looking at ribs, awkward bones, and limbs that always felt too long. The scars are still the same, sure, only stretched and far more prominent. You were cursed by a demon, after all.
That's not the reason why you feel so huge, though. Why you feel every bit a glutton, and a pervert, and completely undeserving of kindness from a single living soul.
Every inch of you is torn between screaming, crying, or laughing. Passion, bitter resentment, fury, and
shame drops you to your knees.
For just a moment, you take Agriculture into your arms and hold Her as close as you can. Your voice breaks from the sheer amount of emotion that you're battling with. "You know I love you with
all of my heart."
The woman in your arms doesn't hold you back, for a second. It doesn't take being a God to know that something is horribly wrong.
You're crying
hard, and pull away. Head hung. Scrounging around your things— desperate for relief from the feeling of abusing yourself— you locate and shrug on your robes, unable to stop reality from crashing into you. It feels like you ate enough to sustain a normal man for four days. There's probably something horribly wrong with your appetite, or with you, as you weren't sated the entire afternoon. You still aren't.
I expected all of this.
I know my Goddess better than anyone.
It shouldn't be this upsetting.
I've had worse binges.
She's done worse to me.
You can't look Agriculture in the eye, and settle your bleary gaze on your hands in your lap. They're clenched into fists so tightly, your nails are digging into the palms of your hands. It's impossible to not think of how far back you've been set in your progress.
"Don't you
know how hard I'm working?"
Agriculture looks heart-broken. "More than anyone."
You've invoked Her almost more often than not, these last few weeks. You've seen Her as often as Mercy, and for far longer each time. There's still that ache in your soul. It's been masked for the better part of the afternoon by overindulgence and ecstasy, but you know better. It's there, and it's going to cripple you in the days ahead. All of your efforts to rest in Eadric have been undone by a few days on the road, at the hands of demons you've pardoned. You're weaker than you were last month, and have to wonder if Flesh is ever going to come to you again.
I NEED to repent.
This all feels wrong.
I was doing fine.
This all was completely fine.
It still is fine. We aren't doing anything wrong. I...
Tightening your hands, you can't help but hate yourself further for how your mind instantly flits to food and drink for comfort.
Agriculture has completely stopped trying to pressure you into having anything further, and is patiently sitting beside you, giving you all the space you need.
It's almost like She's done this before.
Reddened, hate-filled eyes flit up to Her.
Is She used to treating people this way?
She flinches at the look you give to Her, but doesn't turn away. The enabler at least has the wits to keep Her comments to Herself, while you drop your stare back to your lap, and close out the sight of hot, angry tears falling.
It feels like your senses are completely fried from how extended your binge was today. Even shutting out all other stimuli doesn't stop the sensation of how full you are, or how much gratification you take from it.
Broken laughter leaves you. You're not
mad. That would be ridiculous.
It's not Her fault that I'm this way. It's mine.
She can't stop Herself from doing this to me. It's what She is.
I would never tell Mercy to stop feeling, or Flesh to stop lifting, or Dream from resting.
It's my job to temper the very Gods.
You're crying harder, wanting to draw in on yourself for comfort, and realizing how
good it feels to be unable to bring your knees to your chest. The pressure on your belly is
just right, but the additional pleasure is just too fucking much for you to handle.
Your tears stop in their tracks.
You don't need a delicate touch with the most grounded being in all of existence, nor with yourself.
Turning to Agriculture, you say, "I've done it again."
She still looks heart-broken. "You don't have to beat yourself up. You haven't done anything wrong, Richard."
You hold onto Her as tightly as you can, and bury your face in the roses of Her hair. Laughing some more does nothing to make you feel better. This is the kind of Goddess who would tell you to abandon the last of mankind to go smoking with Her, just to make you feel as good as possible. She
surely has no cares outside of Her domains.
Is Her judgement even more rotten than the trash I've been feeding myself?
She is Her domains. How can I hold Her accountable?
A few sobs catch in your throat. "It's no surprise that you love me—" Your breath catches. "—when, when almost
every other God has forsaken me."
Before you know it, you're crying hysterically and holding onto your lover as tightly as you can. She's so soft, and holding you right back, and it only makes you feel worse.
"People are indebted to
me, Agriculture. There's people I am meant to
lead. And THEY have to keep me on a
leash because I can't keep my face out of a
trough for a single SOLID day! I've fucking done it again! I'm— I'm so much worse than a dunce. By all the
Gods, you could fill a merchant's vessel with my pastry-loaded ass, and you wouldn't find a single pleasure-soaked
nerve left intact in ANY of this fat—"
"Richard—"
"Let me finish."
You pull back, resenting yourself all the harder for how badly you've snapped at Her.
Agriculture doesn't look like you're breaking your heart. It looks like She
understands where you're coming from, and it's so awful, you break down completely.
You're shouting, and don't give a single fuck. "You've HELPED ME! You LOVE me! I
can't forget about everything that we've been through together! Gods, I— it's not even that I feel
obligated to fatten myself each and EVERY time that presents itself."
You take Her back into a hug, crying hysterically. "We both know that it's not food that I'm addicted to. It's you.
It's you. It's
always been you."
She doesn't say a word, holding you in return as tightly as She can.
Barely able to breathe— heart aching in every conceivable way— you finish losing your composure when Agriculture scoots out from your hug. She stares you down firmly, keeping Her hands to Herself for a change.
"I don't want to lose you, Richard."
"I don't— I don't know—" You're fighting with everything you have to keep it together. "We have to set some boundaries. This isn't kind to me, Agriculture. It feels like relying so much on invocation is breaking my mind."
She can't help Herself, and gives you a hand to hold. You both squeeze each other's grasp hard, trying and still failing to say everything that you want to.
"I'm human," you say, deriving absolutely no comfort from the familiar. "I'm scared. I won't be able to serve
others as effectively as I want, if I— if I continue to indulge myself at each and
every turn."
You somehow find a way to hold Agriculture's hand tighter. Gritting your teeth, you lift your eyes and keep a level voice. It looks like your lover is on the verge of crying, too.
"This is ruining my life. My
soul is run ragged. I have— I have been
so alone, for almost all of my life. I— I'm— my
mind is scarred, Agriculture. I've been relying on
you for comfort all this time, and I can't control myself when you give me even the smallest show of—" Your voice breaks. Every subsequent word is held in reverence. "—
attention and
understanding."
You know you sound like an addict, and that this is not right, and you're back in tears.
"I don't want to lose you, either."
You've shattered the composure of a Goddess. She can't find any words, or is still trying to decide which ones to choose, so you keep talking.
"I have to find a solution. A way to bridge the gap between restraint and indulgence. I
need temperance—" You wince at just how many times you've said this, and retreat back into yourself. "Once
more." Misery brings your eyes to the ground. "It's not your fault.
I swore that I would limit invoking, and— and
so many other things."
Hot tears sting your reddened eyes. You lift the green in them to Agriculture.
"I have a country to save, and I don't even know how to talk to you about this."
She lets out a breath like She's been holding it. "I think you've done an incredible job talking about it. What else did you want to say?"
You can't look at Her.
I'm on a never-ending, wild ride, and I can't get off.
How can She be okay with what we've done to my body?
"You know my intent is to
lose weight?" You've had this conversation so many times already. You sound so tired saying it, but you manage to completely dry your eyes, and give Agriculture a firm squeeze on Her shoulders. She nods, fighting to not look bothered. "I'm not exaggerating or trying to dramatize any of this. The way that you work through me— the way that we express our affection—"
We're sensation addicts, aren't we?
"I want to stress that
you have done nothing wrong. But I— I have to recognize that I'm limiting myself physically and socially. I'm an addict, and I need help. It's as simple as that."
Agriculture also looks like She's going through a roulette wheel of emotions. She seems to settle somewhere between severe apology, sympathy, and concern. "I understand." Shaking Her head slightly waves Her incredibly long hair. "I don't want you to feel like you're alone in this. I can't help myself, either. I can't say that I— I..."
The absence of restraint can't help but to throw Her arms around you. Dampness seeps onto your shoulder. "I've never loved anyone so much in all my life. I know you can't say it, Richard, but I know that you wouldn't be in such a bad way if it weren't for me."
Bitterness is all throughout Her voice. "I'm terrible for you. I'm poison, after all. I'm death. Everyone knows it— and you're the only man who's ever
truly loved me all the more
for it." She keeps shaking Her head. "But this isn't right. I can't stand to see you so unhappy."
You both part, meeting each other's eyes, and holding hands as best as you can.
"I am not asking
anything of you, other than that you respect my wishes." You say it with a firm voice, and no trace of weakness.
Agriculture nods immediately, not even bothering to wipe Her face off. Your hands are held harder. "Of
course."
Neither of you have really come up with a plan of any sort, or said anything that both of you don't already know, but it feels so
damn good to get so much off from your chest.
A bitter look is cast towards the empty plates and other evidence of your afternoon romp. There's a lot. A whole lot. Shame drenches you, but Agriculture steals your focus back with a few gentle words.
"You're only human. Right?"
"Right, but—"
"I could never regret us spending time together, Richard. But this? How I've made you feel?" Something passes over Her features. Something miserable, and so apologetic that it looks like She could die.
"Even Gods make mistakes."
There's something heavy going unsaid here, but Agriculture quickly moves on from the statement. She's no doubt trying to not drag Her own issues into this.
"I'm sorry for pushing you so hard. You don't have to forgive me, and I'm not asking." No time is given to you to reply. A miserable, reassuring smile is given to you. "I know you're too upset to think straight. Did you want to talk about any plans— aside from running away from me—" She's only teasing. "—to go work out with all of those cuts and bruises for the rest of the night...?"
"Very funny." You're still bandaged from almost head-to-toe, and self-consciously draw your robes closer around yourself. All of the gauze does nothing to help with how huge you feel. You'll have to let out all the lace on your shirts later, and don't want to think too hard about it.
"You think I don't know? You're itching to garner Flesh's favor even more than mine. Don't think I'm not on to you." Her misery softens considerably. "Mercy would know more about all of this than I would, but—"
You give a long, questioning stare.
Agriculture raises Her eyebrows. "What? You think the Goddess of love isn't into weirder shit than I am?"
Half of the tension that's built up in you comes out in a mortified laugh. "I take it that you have no interest in...?"
"Mercy is... a little special. So don't count on it. But I don't have a problem with you working out, Richard, if that's what you mean. I've told you before!"
Neither of you share the usual, enthusiastic comments about exercise and weight loss giving you the opportunity to invoke Agriculture
and to gain more.
Reaching out, Agriculture gently rubs at the side of one of your arms. "I didn't do away with all of your progress. You've got a lot to work with— muscle, or otherwise— and you won't have to worry about losing any strength on the road. I know you feel terrible right now, and I can't blame you. You've been through a lot. I want to understand. So I want you to know that I won't take any issue if you need a break here and there from me. Okay?"
Part of you is incredibly relieved. The rest of you is horrified, and downright panics. "A break?
What—?"
"Not from us—" She's fighting to smile. Despite how beautiful She is, it looks miserable. "—if you still want to."
You shake your head, deeply sigh, and take Agriculture into a deeper hug. Both of you are way too warm from crying, but She's incredibly soft, and the touch is instantly reassuring.
"I was so scared that you wouldn't understand."
Leaning up, She places a kiss on your cheek. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry. Are you going to be okay? I can go."
The romantic in you has been screaming throughout this entire conversation. It doesn't feel right to kiss Her back— given how worked up you are— so you bury yourself even harder against Agriculture's shoulder.
"I don't know. I don't know what to do. I've had the support of— of so many people, but I— I'm terrified of what invoking anyone else again will do to me."
"Richard, you've been saying it yourself all this time. Show Flesh a little love! He's meant to temper me just as much as Mercy."
"You think I should—"
"Yep." A delighted squeeze is made on your shield arm's bicep. It's still massive enough that Agriculture can't begin to fit Her hands around it. "Take a break from all of Us, and use your vessel. Get some gains! Healthy ones!" Her voice drops to a warning, teasing whisper. "You're going to be dead on your feet if you try to do away with me completely, though! Don't think Flesh would take kindly to that, either."
You hug Her even tighter. "I have every intention of doing things the
right way."
"You've had a lot of support from your friends, right? Mercy, too?"
"They've been trying as hard as they can. I don't— I haven't made it easy—"
"All the more reason to tough it out." She's holding onto you as tightly as She can. "I'm sorry again."
"I— I don't think
either of us needs to apologize. Let's do better. Be better." You hazard an actual smile.
She nods, giving you a pained smile in return. "Please don't think that
anyone has forsaken you, Richard. We all just want to see you succeed. Some of Us are just harder than others."
"Harder in what way?"
"Flesh, Vengeance, Storm, Dream..."
"What have I done to offend Storm—?!" The sheer degree of stress you're under has you trying to not have a panic attack.
"Nothing! Legitimately! Seriously. That's kind of my point. Calm down."
You're fidgeting. A few birds chirp in the distance, as the sunset draws to a close.
"Richard."
Deep breath.
"Yes?"
"I was just going to say that they can be grumpy. Harder to get to know. Harder to please. Not everyone is content to just eat, drink, fuck, and make merry. Right?"
"Right." Your smile threatens to come back, but there's that nagging fear. "If there's
anything that you think I can do differently—"
"I'm the wrong person to ask, and— I hate to say it, love, but I agree with a lot of what you've said. You've been hurt badly. I think it would do you a world of good to focus more on your
own needs for awhile. On your own health! Inside and out. You have some strong friends with you, right?"
"Right."
"Why not give them a chance to shine? You don't have to fight every battle all on your own. That's—" She smiles sweetly, scoots closer, and gets on Her knees. A kiss is placed on your forehead, before Agriculture takes you into another big hug. "That's what all of Us are here for. But We'll live if you take a break! It's alright. I promise."
A knot of fear has worked deeply into the pit of your still-too-full-stomach. "Agriculture—"
"I'm not withholding anything from you. If you call on me, you know
I'll always answer. So figure all of this temperance stuff out, and let me know if I can help in any way. Okay?"
Struggling not to break down into tears again, you return Her hug, and murmur, "thank you so much."
"You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome. I love you. Take good care of yourself."
Before you can say another word, Agriculture ends the summoning. Her heat and comfort is gone, leaving you under a dying sunset, deep in the heart of the woods.
It's not often that you're given a moment just to think and breathe, but it's a good thing.
You really need it.
>A] Spend the rest of the sunset formally praying to all of the Gods. It will tremendously alleviate your soul ache, but will take awhile. You'll head back to meet up with your allies the second you're done.
>B] Take Agriculture's advice, and look after your own needs for a change. Before rejoining your company, you'll change your bandages, make a few concessions to help your body recover from binging so hard, will look a good deal after your mind, and will do what you can about your soul ache.
>C] While there's still light out, go check on the fields. You'll spend a brief amount of time providing some additional guidance to Sonfield's people about how to proceed with their farmland. You got in such a bad way to help these people, and you don't trust them to know how to make the most of the work you and Agriculture labored over.
>D] Return to Aralene and your allies as soon as possible. They're probably worried sick, and the brisk walk back to the village should help to calm you down. And despite how beat up you are (needing to heal from your injuries, reeling from the emotional debacle you just dealt with, knowing there will be hiking tonight, etc.), you'll work out as much as you can along the way.
>E] Feel free to rest, reflect, or go out and conquer the night! (Write-in.)
