She sat their, quietly remembering the events that took place just moments ago. She had lost it...
Why magic girls exists but magic guys don't
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blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
She sat their, quietly remembering the events that took place just moments ago. She had lost it completely to the madness and then her uncle came in.
Their was no epic battle, no mutilated bodies, nothing just a girl and her uncle.
''So your a Magic Girl.'' He said more of a statement than a real question. ''So why didn't you tell me when you started turning, I mean. Oh I don't know, going all dark side.?'' he asked
For a moment she hesitated no knowing how to ask. ''Uncle how did . How did you fix me? she asked. For a brief instant she saw his smile disappear.
''Those jack asses never told did they? Let me ask you something do you know why there are no magic guys, but there are magic girls?'' He asked
''.....''
''Its because of what guys can do that girls can't.'' My dear we men can simply erase the darkness inside a magic girl.'' he said
''What do you mean?'' She asked
''The reason why its such a big deal, is because. Imagine one magic girl who went evil, all of a sudden regained her senses. Then her realizing, that the guy standing in front of her, cured that madness. Now imagine her becoming fiercely protective of him. Okay now imagine a hole group of woman doing the same thing.''
''Best of all, they don't even have to get back to him in time , should they become evil all the other girls have to do is get him to her and problem solved.'' ''Hell think of what would have happened if we weren't blocked from helping Madoka, Kyubey would have been screwed, his hole plan would have never worked. But nooo the council wouldn't allow it.''
Their was no epic battle, no mutilated bodies, nothing just a girl and her uncle.
''So your a Magic Girl.'' He said more of a statement than a real question. ''So why didn't you tell me when you started turning, I mean. Oh I don't know, going all dark side.?'' he asked
For a moment she hesitated no knowing how to ask. ''Uncle how did . How did you fix me? she asked. For a brief instant she saw his smile disappear.
''Those jack asses never told did they? Let me ask you something do you know why there are no magic guys, but there are magic girls?'' He asked
''.....''
''Its because of what guys can do that girls can't.'' My dear we men can simply erase the darkness inside a magic girl.'' he said
''What do you mean?'' She asked
''The reason why its such a big deal, is because. Imagine one magic girl who went evil, all of a sudden regained her senses. Then her realizing, that the guy standing in front of her, cured that madness. Now imagine her becoming fiercely protective of him. Okay now imagine a hole group of woman doing the same thing.''
''Best of all, they don't even have to get back to him in time , should they become evil all the other girls have to do is get him to her and problem solved.'' ''Hell think of what would have happened if we weren't blocked from helping Madoka, Kyubey would have been screwed, his hole plan would have never worked. But nooo the council wouldn't allow it.''
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blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
What don't you get?
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
what do you mean wat
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
it didn't pop out as an option. this site doesn't allow random tags
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
your a magic girl fan aren't you
The Bird
tEM IS GUD...RITER!
- Location
- In that den of villains and scum, OKLAHOMA
Yes it does. It has for the last month at the very least.
Dude, that has squat to do with why this fic sucks. Me being or not being a magical girl fan doesn't change the fact that the concept sucks and your spelling is atrocious.
"puella magi madoka magica" absolutely does exist as a tag.
Anyway, for more specific problems with your fic - who are these people? What's this council? What exactly is the interpretion of Kyubey's "hole plan" that would be harmed by being able to allow magical girls to repeatedly turn into witches multiple times?
And honestly the concept seems a little sexist to me.
Dark Ness
Rises Where Silence Dies
- Location
- The Primordial Soup
Same here
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
Let me be 1000% clear on this. This is so posed to be why guys dont get the cool powers, and why if they do why they turn into girls.
In other words the consequences with having a guy with just a tiny bit of power, not because he has power but because. Well this is basely a get out of hell free card for the magic girls.
The Bird
tEM IS GUD...RITER!
- Location
- In that den of villains and scum, OKLAHOMA
A little? I disagree, this is VERY sexist. This fic is pretty much taking the nuance and tragedy of PMMM and turning it into 'women, amiright'?
Oh god, you're trying to turn Madoka into a harem fic, aren't you? They're like 12! Take it to QQ so they can laugh you out the door for your writing skills rather than the content.
(Also this is my first post. I'm going to read the rules now but I just couldn't let this atrocity stand so I may have been a bit too insulting. Sorry (to the mods) if this is the case.)
(Also this is my first post. I'm going to read the rules now but I just couldn't let this atrocity stand so I may have been a bit too insulting. Sorry (to the mods) if this is the case.)
just- just damn it
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
WHAT!? Where the hack did that come from? For pipe sakes man I even went as far as to imply this is a completly different dimension. How else would he know about Madoka, The way he does
So I take it you were trying to suggest that Madoka is a manga in your "story"? Because it read like he was talking about an actual event rather than a series in which magical girls needing grief seeds is the rule. If that's the case then he comes off as preachy, which reinforces the sexist angle.
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
im not going to argue
I'm trying to help here. The core is sound (alternate depression management for magical girls), but if you want this to work you need a complete redesign and a spellcheck. Maybe (if you are going the harem fic route) replace the uncle with someone a bit closer to their age. Also consider making it something other than "Girls need boys to have any power" because that won't get you any quality readers.
Perhaps you could try something along the lines of grief seeds being an artificial version of a naturally occurring substance, kind of like material from FFVII.
Perhaps you could try something along the lines of grief seeds being an artificial version of a naturally occurring substance, kind of like material from FFVII.
blueayes
If you want peace, then you must prepare for war.
- Location
- austin
1; The problem is I cant go to the Harem root. The reason being this site would shut down this fic so fast.
2; I thought of that, The uncle has pretty much outright stated that he has more experience in this then what is normal. SPOILER The girls dont need the guys to exists hell they can do the job without them but having the guy around makes their job incredibly easier.
Meaning they no longer have to worry about losing it. Its still a problem but not that big of a deal anymore.
Mark it as AU.
Then learn to write.
I'm glad you asked that, because I'm going to go through your....well, I can't really call it a story. That wouldn't be fair to people that can actually write... I'm going through your collection of sentences line by line!
Okay. So a girl who was on the verge of despair is talking with her relative after he pulled her back from the brink. Needs a spell-check and has issues with tense consistency but this might be an interesting story about how even a girl spiralling into despair can be brought back from the brink by a relative that cares about her.
hahahaha nope
Does this sound like realistic dialogue to you? On the other hand, this is a perfectly good question for characters in this situation. The uncle's presumably a loving and close relative so he has reason to want to know why she'd keep something so important a secret when things were going wrong.
Let's see what you do with that, shall we?
Because the show's a send up of typical magical girl shows? Because it'd take away from the actual point- and subtle social commentary? (Think it was Jace that commented on this.)
Either way, oh boy oh boy you're really going where I think you are with-
Bullshit.
Did you even watch the show you're writing fanfiction for? The "darkness" for Puella Magi isn't something to be scrubbed away- it's as much a state of mind ("cursing the world") more than it is your run of the mill evil curse. In the series, we see Witches and near-Witch states happen as a result of the girl losing the will to fight or for Madoka, using too much magic for her to accomplish her goal. Either way, it makes no goddamn sense for men to be able to indiscriminately "erase the darkness" since that's basically waving away depression with an incredibly lazy plot device.
Oh yeah, and this is a stupid plot point anyway that boils down to "lolmen are better for reasons". And "my dear"? Really? Can't you keep this uncle's character voice consistent? Last paragraph he's casually talking about "the dark side", and now he's saying "my dear"?
...I...What? No, the reason it's a big deal is because your Stu just broke the cycle of hope and despair to the point where the series events no longer make any sense whatsoever.
Also, evil? Have you even been in proximity to this series? The whole point is that no one, not even the Witches, are evil! The closest thing to evil in this series is Kyubey and he's amoral if anything!
And how is any feeling of gratitude towards Steve McYChromosome the important thing here? Why would it matter if he saved more people?
Oh, right, because women are automatons with one single reaction to anything so of course they'd universally become "fiercely protective" of Steve McYChromosome rather than acting like human beings with different personalities: shock, horror at what they were going through, confusion...
But no, they're apparently just robots with preprogrammed routines. My bad, I thought PMMM was a character piece but apparently it's about robots with personality subroutines!
I...What?
1. Girls don't "become evil" when they turn into witches. They fall into despair, ie: self-reinforcing magically caused suicidal depression exacerbated by a voice inside their heads telling them to just give up, start cursing the world, and then their soul gems break and they're trapped in a psychological hell of their own subconscious's making. PMMM is not a series where evil can be defined and quantified. It's a tragedy because everyone is fundamentally a good person on some level.
2. That plan is stupid. So the "best" part is that Steve McYChromosome is a reuseable, less portable grief seed? No, the best part is how he makes grief seeds redundant so the whole cycle of girls needing to kill Witches to survive is no longer the case.
Madokami, why am I reading this and not rereading PMAS, an actual story that handles a similar idea with much better writing and themes that can't be summed up as hurr durr "-4 STR"?
3. This reference to Madoka just makes no sense. Why would he tell his niece about a girl she'd never have heard of instead of comforting the niece who's just almost died horribly or showing some kind of concern?
Also, letting Madoka's events happen.
4. This council has a death wish. There is literally no excuse for them not to use the power of MANHOOD to stop Madoka from blowing up the planet in your warped little story. Or save Sayaka. Or help Mami. Or Kyoko. Gee, I'm sure the civilians- men included- getting eaten by Witches appreciate their neutrality in Kyubey's efforts to farm the human race.
Also, gucas would have heard of this bullshit unless they're intentionally keeping it quiet. Which is monstrous.
Never mind that a series where men can inherently cleanse soul gems would be unrecognizable, even as an AU.
0/10, I would rather read Kazumi Magica than this as a better story with less objectionable material.
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- Location
- HELL
- Pronouns
- They/It
Let's back off a bit and just examine this a bit more clearly.
For one, the premise is a bit sexist. Since it's literally "Man if those girls had men, they'd be fine."
Secondly, and this is a bigger problem, it kills any and all tension the story could have had. There's no conflict. There's nothing there. There's no threat. This makes the story fucking boring. Wiping away the depression is not only insulting as a lazy plot device, it's insulting on a story level, since it just means "Oh lol who cares about psychology, what's this tension thing? is it something you eat?".
Thirdly, we have no context for anything. There's no reason to care. What the hell is the council? Who's 'uncle' dude, is he the main character's creepy uncle? We gotta get context and an introduction to these things, motherfucker. It's important.
Maybe, just maybe, have the story be about depression management and therapy. That could be infinitely more interesting. And less terrible.
Fourth, this seems more like a bashfic. You don't understand why anything in PMMM exists or how plot or tension works.
Fifth, you're brushing away criticism and any form of critique. So that means you're never going to improve.
All this, in addition to terrible tense mixing and tons of homophone abuse.
For one, the premise is a bit sexist. Since it's literally "Man if those girls had men, they'd be fine."
Secondly, and this is a bigger problem, it kills any and all tension the story could have had. There's no conflict. There's nothing there. There's no threat. This makes the story fucking boring. Wiping away the depression is not only insulting as a lazy plot device, it's insulting on a story level, since it just means "Oh lol who cares about psychology, what's this tension thing? is it something you eat?".
Thirdly, we have no context for anything. There's no reason to care. What the hell is the council? Who's 'uncle' dude, is he the main character's creepy uncle? We gotta get context and an introduction to these things, motherfucker. It's important.
Maybe, just maybe, have the story be about depression management and therapy. That could be infinitely more interesting. And less terrible.
Fourth, this seems more like a bashfic. You don't understand why anything in PMMM exists or how plot or tension works.
Fifth, you're brushing away criticism and any form of critique. So that means you're never going to improve.
All this, in addition to terrible tense mixing and tons of homophone abuse.
Dark Ness
Rises Where Silence Dies
- Location
- The Primordial Soup
I always thought the reason was that girls reduce entropy better or something.
This totally sounds like it is a set up for a harem fic