I've toyed with the idea of writing a series of shorts for Kantai Collection ever since I...
Vignettes From The Naval District (Kancolle)
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1: A Tour of the Naval District
- Location
- Singapore
I've toyed with the idea of writing a series of shorts for Kantai Collection ever since I started playing the game and got into my own shenanigans. This was the result. I don't intend for any major storylines or story arcs or serious subject matter in these series of vignettes, these are just short stories from a very strange place for a very strange war. Because when warships are cute girls, nothing is sacred anymore.
And thus, the first vignette. I hope you enjoy.
----
"Don't ask why. Rather, ask yourself: why not?"
"You are an awful influence."
"I would be, if I ever influenced anything."
----
2026, March
The Yokosuka Naval District hasn't changed much since the arrival of the Abyssals. Sure, it has had more coastal batteries installed when it was discovered that there was no appreciable difference between them and cruise missile batteries besides cost and range. Sure, it had to be rebuilt several times after a number of air raids and coastal assaults. Sure, they almost abandoned the place after the initial attack and before their old warships returned and had to rebuild it partially. But it hasn't changed much.
Mostly because the Admiral refuses to change the look. He seems to like it.
And in the Yokosuka Naval District, there are a number of sentry towers. They have beds, a radio, a small cooler for food, a boiling vessel for water, and binoculars. Well, they used to have binoculars. They took them away, because shipgirls have superior eyesight anyways.
And it's not like they need the sentry towers for anything, they're for punishment duty. Because the best way to punish a shipgirl is boring them out of their minds.
And two of the shipgirls are currently on sentry duty in the inland tower, because they happened to blow open a wall in the battleship dormitories. Because 'they thought it would be fun'.
Though, to be fair. It was.
"Hey, Uzuki-chan. You ever wonder why we're here?"
"Hmmmmmmmmmm… I'm gonna say it's because the world needs us, so we answered! When demons from the depths of the sea rise up, it's ooooooooour responsibility to send them back!" The redhead preens and looks up at the purple haired girl higher on the lookout with a big smile. "Whaddabout you, Ya-chan?"
Yayoi - well, now JS Yayoi - gives her sister ship a look so dead it would make any abyssal in Ashigara's way look positively glowing with life. Which, considering Yayoi, is actually an improvement from usual. "While not wrong, I was asking why we're on sentry duty."
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, that's more because we're Mutsuki-class, so we'll get exploded by any abyssal that looks at us funny, so… Admiral's got us on the lookout for base assaults instead!" JS Uzuki preens, and then Yayoi smacks her between the eyes. "Upukupuuu~"
"I meant why did you pick this duty for us instead of literally anything else." She points outwards from the sentry tower, at the fields behind the naval district and past the coastal batteries. "We're not even looking at the sea."
"W-Well technically if we turn around--"
"You get my point."
"I don't wanna wash dishes agaaaaaaaaaaain!" She wails. "I don't think I even have fingerprints anymore and Mamiya-san is so specific and it's just one tiny spot is it so important?!"
Yayoi continues to give her a dead look.
"...W-What?"
"Uzuki," the shipgirl sighs, "We're Mutsuki-class destroyers, yes?"
"U-Uh huh?"
"We're destroyers. We don't have fingerprints."
"...O-Oh." Uzuki sniffs, and wipes away her tears and snot. "N'vermind th'n. Oh hey, trucks!" Sadness forgotten, the destroyer leans against the edge and points excitedly at the convoy headed to them. Indeed, a series of trucks are headed for the base now, full of supplies for the next week. And, as her lookout fairies point out, new transfers.
She takes the mic before Uzuki can take it ("Upukupu~") and switches it on, standard channel. "Ooyodo-san, we have a supply convoy on approach. Some seamen too, be advised."
"Roger that, I'll notify the Admiral," the light cruiser responds airily. She's probably too busy with the campaign to pay them much attention, Yayoi notes. That's fine. It means she's not out with the fleet. "Keep an eye out, Yayoi-san. The main fleet lost contact with an abyssal carrier group. They might attempt another air raid."
"Roger, we'll keep lookouts posted." Yayoi looks up at the sky and exhales. When was the last time she even sortied?
Oh, right. She doesn't care. So the destroyer keeps her eyes out to the sky, knowing full well that they have actual radar stations that can read an attack long before even shipgirl eyes can see it coming.
But hey, at least the sky is pretty. And she's not out on sortie.
----
The Admiral's office is a simple place, all things considered. It is a reasonably sized room with a window to his left, with a desk for his personal use and a cupboard with a model ship on the side. His desk has a blue drape, for some reason, and he's hung up a scroll behind him instead of something reasonable like a regional map. But well, his office his rules.
Why was there a picture of a girl on the scroll though? Nevermind. He does not want to know.
The man salutes, wearing his dress whites, as the Admiral pours over deployment reports before him. "Lt. Commander Takeshi Konoe, reporting for duty."
"Mm," the Admiral says to him. He passes the report onto the bespectacled girl beside him, who bows and leaves them without another word. He clasps his hands, and looks up at him with tired but hard eyes. Has the campaign been that stressful? "Welcome to Yokosuka, Lt. Commander Konoe. I'm sorry, but I can't show you around at the moment."
"Sir," he nods, "It is no trouble. I can find my quarters by myself."
"No no, I know you can. But if you're going to help manage the shipgirls here, I need you to know every inch of this base."
Lt. Commander Konoe opens his mouth, but then closes it. He's heard the stories. Destroyers really can go anywhere. "Understood. Can I ask who my guide is?"
"Of course," the Admiral responds. "When I mentioned you were coming and you needed a tour guide, she was first in line."
The Commander opens his mouth.
The door slides open, and somehow, Konoe feels the light shining on his back. He was just out there. It was not this bright.
He wouldn't. He didn't.
"First in line, admiral! Shiratsuyu is ready!"
The Commander closes his mouth.
He did.
The brunette girl hops on in, hardly over fifteen, and stops right beside Commander Konoe while flapping her arms. "This is Shiratsuyu, name ship of the Shiratsuyu-Class," the Admiral says to him, while she bobs up and down on her toes. "She will show you to your room and the facilities... Not in that order."
"Yep, yep!" Shiratsuyu nods in the typical bubbly girly way, bright grins everywhere. "I'll take you everywhere, first thing's first!"
He gives the Admiral a look, and finds a long-suffering stare back at him. "She's obsessed with being the first," the Admiral explains. "She's sore about not getting her second remodel yet."
"Right… Remodels." The Commander sighs. "Why?"
"Because you must know my pain," the Admiral responds.
"No really why."
"Because it's funnier this way," he responds sincerely this time. He nods at the perky young destroyer. "Shiratsuyu, launch."
"'Kay, Admiral!" The destroyer salutes, still girly-like, and takes the Lt. Commander by the wrist. "Come on, Commander! Lemme show you the district! We have a pool, and an arcade, and a leaderboard, and I'm always number one, and--"
The Commander only sighs as he's lead away, duffle bag over his shoulder. She's the only one. She is already first. Why hurry?
"And remember!" The Admiral shouts after him. "They're boats!"
----
"The Admiral is really cool, isn't he? He's number one in my book!"
"Are you one of those people who comments 'first' on youtube videos?"
"OH MY GOD YOU DO IT TOO?!"
"Uh." The Commander glances at Shiratsuyu, and immediately regrets it. Her ability to perfectly mimic an excited puppy is disturbing. How could he say anything but 'yes'?
Mostly by doing what his father always taught him. Distract or die. "Pick a card, Shiratsuyu," he says while fishing a deck out of his front pocket. "Any card."
"Oh, oh oh!" The destroyer snatches one excitedly, and then deflates instantly. "Aw…"
"What's wrong?"
"It's not my favourite card," she pouts. "Ah well! Oh, here we are! This is the lobby!"
"What? But I was literally just…" The Lt. Commander looks around at the main lobby of Yokosuka, right by the entrance and the face of the HQ, and notices all the stares he's getting. "...There."
Why is he drawing eyes, though? Probably because he's showing a deck of cards to a destroyer. Hm. Awkward. Distractions, distractions...
Oh, wait. He's an officer. He can order them to look away. Ah, the privileges of rank.
"Carry on," he says in his gruffest voice, and the seamen shrug and continue with their errands. Some of them even give sympathetic or pitying looks. He looks at Shiratsuyu, who looks like she's doing her best to turn her card into her favourite card with the power of her mind. "That includes you, Shiratsuyu."
"Hm? Oh, right! Follow meeeee~"
----
The mess hall at Yokosuka - well, this one - is slightly different from what he remembered. It's larger, for one. And has larger benches, with more leg clearance. And larger tables, for more food. And the seamen on cleaning detail seem to have a thousand yard stare that pierces him, like they have seen scarier things than newly-transferred officers.
"Thiiiiis is the cafeteria! It's where we cafe and teria!" Shiratsuyu hops on over towards the empty counters, trying to glance into the kitchen where the magic is made that warms her tummy. "Hi, Irako-san! Is dinner ready?"
"Not so soon, Shiratsuyu-chan!" A gentle voice replies. "We've only just served lunch!"
"WAAAAAH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'M GOING TO SCRAPE MY HANDS OOOOOOFF!"
"Uzuki-chan, calm down. Only twenty plates to go."
Commander Konoe looks at the destroyer nameship, and she responds with a bright gleeful grin. "What was that?"
"Yayoi-chan and Uzuki-chan got plate duty! I got out first when the wall went down, but they didn't keep up!"
"Ohhhh?" Irako calls out from the kitchen. "What wall, Shiratsuyu-chan~?"
"Nothing! I said nothing!" Shiratsuyu scampers quickly away from the kitchen and drags the commander by the wrist again."A-Anyway, next thing! Repair berths!"
"Actually, I would like to see the wall you broke down--"
"No time we must be number one GOOOOO--"
----
"Newest dispatch from the combined fleet, Admiral," Ooyodo says as she passes him a tablet computer. "The D Divisions report three Ru-Class destroyed and one damaged."
He scrolls through it, lolling a lollipop in his mouth, and muses. "Has the auxiliary squadron arrived yet?"
"Yes," she says, adjusting her spectacles, "Mamiya-san was successfully escorted by Destroyer Division 6. She's on-site to refresh the ships at port." She adjusts them again. "Haruna got hit in the turret during the gun battle, but she is alright."
"She always is," the Admiral smirks, and puts the tablet aside. "Tell the fleet they're doing a good job, but don't celebrate until we have the Philippines again. There is still a Carrier Task Group out there somewhere and I want it destroyed."
"Aye, Admiral." The light cruiser bows and takes her leave, but stops right by the door. "Oh, last thing: Kongou is looking forward to the Lt. Commander's arrival, and wants to throw a tea party before he arrives."
He glares at her, and she matches it. They hold it for a relative eternity, neither will willing to bend. Someday, he will be victorious.
But then he blinks, and she does not. Someday. Someday, he will be victorious. But not today.
The Admiral sighs. "Please tell me you told her."
"God no, I'm a ship, not senseless."
"Mmph." He groans, and clasps his hands. "Well, I hope he's a fast learner."
"Aren't you going to help him?"
He laughs. "God no. I want to see it happen."
----
"Aaaaaaand here are the dockyards! We come here to get fixed up when we get hurt! And also for upgrades and refits," Shiratsuyu adds quickly. "Most of us get one refit. A few of us get two!"
"Are you one of them?" Commander Konoe asks.
Shiratsuyu stops, goes dark, and looks down at her feet.
"...Shiratsuyu?"
"I'll be the first one to get it next," she mumbles. "Probably… I think."
The Commander shrugs and keeps walking. The berths available at the dockyard are… frankly massive. Large enough to have full-sized ships, actually. In fact, there's a ship undergoing repair right now, with a hole punched through the side of the hull. Must be a torpedo hit.
But unless Shiratsuyu is a massive outlier, the ships they are sortieing now are people sized. So why would Yokosuka need full-sized repair docks?
"Ahn~ Commander, it's rude to look, you know~?"
"What." The Commander looks around for whoever said that, and sees a busty blonde girl with a beret waving at him from atop the damaged… what class of ship was that? Oh, heavy cruiser. The damaged heavy cruiser. Who just so happens to also have a huge tear in her clothing on the left side, showing off one of her shapely thighs. "What?"
"I don't mind though, you can look all you waaaant~"
"What." He looks at Shiratsuyu. "Shiratsuyu, who is she and wha--"
"I'll be the first one to get it next," Shiratsuyu mutters to herself, playing with pebbles with her fingers. "I'll be the first one to get it next, I'll be the first one to get it next. I'll be the first. I'll be the first. I'll be the first."
Konoe sighs. Well, she's useless now. Maybe he should get an ensign to babysit her. It's probably their job now anyways. With no one else to turn to, he goes closer to the girl on the damaged heavy cruiser. She looks very familiar, but he can't place where he's seen her. "What do you mean, 'rude to look'? I'm just inspecting the battle damage."
The blonde grins slyly at him. "Ara ara, Commander. So forward…"
"I'm really not seeing the problem, I'm not looking at you." Not at the tear showing off her thigh, at least. He's looking at her face. It's the least he could do.
"Oh, but you are, Commander… Or maybe?" She puts a finger on her chin and leans against the railing, her blouse buttons visibly straining. "You don't know yet?"
"Know what ye--"
And then suddenly it clicks. Hole showing off her left thigh. Torpedo hit on the port side, near the engine. Blonde hair. Beret. Oddly busty. A top-heavy superstructure with five double-barrelled turrets. And she's a huge tease.
"...Oh my god you're Atago."
"Pan-paka-pa~an!" The second ship of the Takao-Class waves her hands in the air and cheers. "Congratulations, Commander! You noticed!"
"Right." He looks at the heavy cruiser that the heavy cruiser is on. This is getting frustratingly meta and he wants no part of it. "That explains the berths."
"Mmhm!" Atago nods. "I'm looking forward to working with you, Commander!"
"You have a lot of pictures on the internet."
She winks and grins. "I know~"
"...Right, so I should probably get going. Shiratsu--" He looks around, and Shiratsuyu is on the ground on her side, the only sign of life being the occasional twitch.
"F-First… in line… for second remodel…" She rasps, like a man dying of dehydration. "F-Faster… than… Yuudachi… and… Sh-Shigure… a-and Kawakaze… Right, Admiral…"
"--yyyyyyou know what I'll just find my own quarters."
Atago giggles, and points in a direction. "Dormitories are that way~"
"Ah, thank you Atago."
"Pan-paka-pa~an ~☆~"
----
His first mistake was following Atago's instructions. Reason dictates that a) she would be teasing him on at least one level, and that b) she probably has never been to the crew dormitories before.
His second mistake, upon entering a room full of half-dressed warships - including legendary Nagato herself, surrounded by destroyers - was to say "...Did he seriously assign this as my bunk?"
His third mistake was waiting for the MPs to arrive.
"...So that was when she screamed and ran through a wall?" The policeman asks, while another two try - and fail - to herd the destroyers still around into their squadrons. The Commander nods. "What did you do?"
"I just asked why she was hugging six destroyers at once," he replies innocuously.
The MP nods and sighs. "Yeah, don't… don't do that. Nagato has a… complex."
"Ah?"
"She has a compulsive need to hug cute things and hates herself for that. She lost control during a sortie once and tried to hug an Abyssal Princess." The MP shakes his head. "Mutsu nearly died."
"Really?" The poor girl. It must have torn her up inside.
"Yeah, her third turret exploded."
Commander Konoe looks straight through the MP. He blinks slowly, one eye at a time. He takes a sharp breath. "What."
"Yeah, that's about right," the MP nods sympathetically. "Look, Commander, sorry this happened on your first day. How about I show you to your quarters after we finish processing all these destroyers?"
"That would be good, thank yo--Wait." Konoe looks around the room, all four corners of it. "You said all the destroyers?"
"That's right, sir. Standard procedure."
"There are like thirty destroyers."
The MP exhales sharply. "Yeeep."
"...Would you like some hel--"
"Oh dear god please yes"
----
Four hours later, he is finally at his quarters. It smells of salt in here, and it fucking suits him just fine, because so does he.
"Having fun?" The Admiral asks as he is closing the door behind him, and the Commander screams. To his credit, he does also swing around with a roundhouse kick. But the Admiral is experienced, not old, and blocks it easily with an arm. "Definitely having fun."
"You know what happened," the Commander grumbles.
"Yes," the Admiral replies. "Nagato came to me and apologised an hour ago. She volunteered to fix the wall, but I said no."
"Am I fixing the wall?"
The Admiral smirks. "Well, if you insist."
"Fuck you."
"Excuse me?"
"Fuck you, Admiral."
He smiles and nods. "Much better, Lt. Commander Konoe. You are dismissed for the day. Welcome back."
Commander Konoe exhales sharply, and salutes the Admiral. "It's good to be back, sir."
"Good, good… Oh, right." The Admiral snaps his fingers and turns around. "The Kongou sisters will be returning next week, and they were hoping to throw a welcoming party for you."
He blinks. But he's here now. Which means that they'll be… ohhhh.
Ah fuck. "Should I be concerned?"
"They know you are my protege, and you know what shipgirls are like." The Admiral winks at him. The gesture gives him the shivers, like bugs up his spine. "Best of luck, Lt. Commander Konoe."
The door closes with a click, and Lt. Commander Konoe flops onto his bed.
Great. Now everything smells like salt.
And thus, the first vignette. I hope you enjoy.
----
"Don't ask why. Rather, ask yourself: why not?"
"You are an awful influence."
"I would be, if I ever influenced anything."
----
2026, March
The Yokosuka Naval District hasn't changed much since the arrival of the Abyssals. Sure, it has had more coastal batteries installed when it was discovered that there was no appreciable difference between them and cruise missile batteries besides cost and range. Sure, it had to be rebuilt several times after a number of air raids and coastal assaults. Sure, they almost abandoned the place after the initial attack and before their old warships returned and had to rebuild it partially. But it hasn't changed much.
Mostly because the Admiral refuses to change the look. He seems to like it.
And in the Yokosuka Naval District, there are a number of sentry towers. They have beds, a radio, a small cooler for food, a boiling vessel for water, and binoculars. Well, they used to have binoculars. They took them away, because shipgirls have superior eyesight anyways.
And it's not like they need the sentry towers for anything, they're for punishment duty. Because the best way to punish a shipgirl is boring them out of their minds.
And two of the shipgirls are currently on sentry duty in the inland tower, because they happened to blow open a wall in the battleship dormitories. Because 'they thought it would be fun'.
Though, to be fair. It was.
"Hey, Uzuki-chan. You ever wonder why we're here?"
"Hmmmmmmmmmm… I'm gonna say it's because the world needs us, so we answered! When demons from the depths of the sea rise up, it's ooooooooour responsibility to send them back!" The redhead preens and looks up at the purple haired girl higher on the lookout with a big smile. "Whaddabout you, Ya-chan?"
Yayoi - well, now JS Yayoi - gives her sister ship a look so dead it would make any abyssal in Ashigara's way look positively glowing with life. Which, considering Yayoi, is actually an improvement from usual. "While not wrong, I was asking why we're on sentry duty."
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, that's more because we're Mutsuki-class, so we'll get exploded by any abyssal that looks at us funny, so… Admiral's got us on the lookout for base assaults instead!" JS Uzuki preens, and then Yayoi smacks her between the eyes. "Upukupuuu~"
"I meant why did you pick this duty for us instead of literally anything else." She points outwards from the sentry tower, at the fields behind the naval district and past the coastal batteries. "We're not even looking at the sea."
"W-Well technically if we turn around--"
"You get my point."
"I don't wanna wash dishes agaaaaaaaaaaain!" She wails. "I don't think I even have fingerprints anymore and Mamiya-san is so specific and it's just one tiny spot is it so important?!"
Yayoi continues to give her a dead look.
"...W-What?"
"Uzuki," the shipgirl sighs, "We're Mutsuki-class destroyers, yes?"
"U-Uh huh?"
"We're destroyers. We don't have fingerprints."
"...O-Oh." Uzuki sniffs, and wipes away her tears and snot. "N'vermind th'n. Oh hey, trucks!" Sadness forgotten, the destroyer leans against the edge and points excitedly at the convoy headed to them. Indeed, a series of trucks are headed for the base now, full of supplies for the next week. And, as her lookout fairies point out, new transfers.
She takes the mic before Uzuki can take it ("Upukupu~") and switches it on, standard channel. "Ooyodo-san, we have a supply convoy on approach. Some seamen too, be advised."
"Roger that, I'll notify the Admiral," the light cruiser responds airily. She's probably too busy with the campaign to pay them much attention, Yayoi notes. That's fine. It means she's not out with the fleet. "Keep an eye out, Yayoi-san. The main fleet lost contact with an abyssal carrier group. They might attempt another air raid."
"Roger, we'll keep lookouts posted." Yayoi looks up at the sky and exhales. When was the last time she even sortied?
Oh, right. She doesn't care. So the destroyer keeps her eyes out to the sky, knowing full well that they have actual radar stations that can read an attack long before even shipgirl eyes can see it coming.
But hey, at least the sky is pretty. And she's not out on sortie.
----
The Admiral's office is a simple place, all things considered. It is a reasonably sized room with a window to his left, with a desk for his personal use and a cupboard with a model ship on the side. His desk has a blue drape, for some reason, and he's hung up a scroll behind him instead of something reasonable like a regional map. But well, his office his rules.
Why was there a picture of a girl on the scroll though? Nevermind. He does not want to know.
The man salutes, wearing his dress whites, as the Admiral pours over deployment reports before him. "Lt. Commander Takeshi Konoe, reporting for duty."
"Mm," the Admiral says to him. He passes the report onto the bespectacled girl beside him, who bows and leaves them without another word. He clasps his hands, and looks up at him with tired but hard eyes. Has the campaign been that stressful? "Welcome to Yokosuka, Lt. Commander Konoe. I'm sorry, but I can't show you around at the moment."
"Sir," he nods, "It is no trouble. I can find my quarters by myself."
"No no, I know you can. But if you're going to help manage the shipgirls here, I need you to know every inch of this base."
Lt. Commander Konoe opens his mouth, but then closes it. He's heard the stories. Destroyers really can go anywhere. "Understood. Can I ask who my guide is?"
"Of course," the Admiral responds. "When I mentioned you were coming and you needed a tour guide, she was first in line."
The Commander opens his mouth.
The door slides open, and somehow, Konoe feels the light shining on his back. He was just out there. It was not this bright.
He wouldn't. He didn't.
"First in line, admiral! Shiratsuyu is ready!"
The Commander closes his mouth.
He did.
The brunette girl hops on in, hardly over fifteen, and stops right beside Commander Konoe while flapping her arms. "This is Shiratsuyu, name ship of the Shiratsuyu-Class," the Admiral says to him, while she bobs up and down on her toes. "She will show you to your room and the facilities... Not in that order."
"Yep, yep!" Shiratsuyu nods in the typical bubbly girly way, bright grins everywhere. "I'll take you everywhere, first thing's first!"
He gives the Admiral a look, and finds a long-suffering stare back at him. "She's obsessed with being the first," the Admiral explains. "She's sore about not getting her second remodel yet."
"Right… Remodels." The Commander sighs. "Why?"
"Because you must know my pain," the Admiral responds.
"No really why."
"Because it's funnier this way," he responds sincerely this time. He nods at the perky young destroyer. "Shiratsuyu, launch."
"'Kay, Admiral!" The destroyer salutes, still girly-like, and takes the Lt. Commander by the wrist. "Come on, Commander! Lemme show you the district! We have a pool, and an arcade, and a leaderboard, and I'm always number one, and--"
The Commander only sighs as he's lead away, duffle bag over his shoulder. She's the only one. She is already first. Why hurry?
"And remember!" The Admiral shouts after him. "They're boats!"
----
"The Admiral is really cool, isn't he? He's number one in my book!"
"Are you one of those people who comments 'first' on youtube videos?"
"OH MY GOD YOU DO IT TOO?!"
"Uh." The Commander glances at Shiratsuyu, and immediately regrets it. Her ability to perfectly mimic an excited puppy is disturbing. How could he say anything but 'yes'?
Mostly by doing what his father always taught him. Distract or die. "Pick a card, Shiratsuyu," he says while fishing a deck out of his front pocket. "Any card."
"Oh, oh oh!" The destroyer snatches one excitedly, and then deflates instantly. "Aw…"
"What's wrong?"
"It's not my favourite card," she pouts. "Ah well! Oh, here we are! This is the lobby!"
"What? But I was literally just…" The Lt. Commander looks around at the main lobby of Yokosuka, right by the entrance and the face of the HQ, and notices all the stares he's getting. "...There."
Why is he drawing eyes, though? Probably because he's showing a deck of cards to a destroyer. Hm. Awkward. Distractions, distractions...
Oh, wait. He's an officer. He can order them to look away. Ah, the privileges of rank.
"Carry on," he says in his gruffest voice, and the seamen shrug and continue with their errands. Some of them even give sympathetic or pitying looks. He looks at Shiratsuyu, who looks like she's doing her best to turn her card into her favourite card with the power of her mind. "That includes you, Shiratsuyu."
"Hm? Oh, right! Follow meeeee~"
----
The mess hall at Yokosuka - well, this one - is slightly different from what he remembered. It's larger, for one. And has larger benches, with more leg clearance. And larger tables, for more food. And the seamen on cleaning detail seem to have a thousand yard stare that pierces him, like they have seen scarier things than newly-transferred officers.
"Thiiiiis is the cafeteria! It's where we cafe and teria!" Shiratsuyu hops on over towards the empty counters, trying to glance into the kitchen where the magic is made that warms her tummy. "Hi, Irako-san! Is dinner ready?"
"Not so soon, Shiratsuyu-chan!" A gentle voice replies. "We've only just served lunch!"
"WAAAAAH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I'M GOING TO SCRAPE MY HANDS OOOOOOFF!"
"Uzuki-chan, calm down. Only twenty plates to go."
Commander Konoe looks at the destroyer nameship, and she responds with a bright gleeful grin. "What was that?"
"Yayoi-chan and Uzuki-chan got plate duty! I got out first when the wall went down, but they didn't keep up!"
"Ohhhh?" Irako calls out from the kitchen. "What wall, Shiratsuyu-chan~?"
"Nothing! I said nothing!" Shiratsuyu scampers quickly away from the kitchen and drags the commander by the wrist again."A-Anyway, next thing! Repair berths!"
"Actually, I would like to see the wall you broke down--"
"No time we must be number one GOOOOO--"
----
"Newest dispatch from the combined fleet, Admiral," Ooyodo says as she passes him a tablet computer. "The D Divisions report three Ru-Class destroyed and one damaged."
He scrolls through it, lolling a lollipop in his mouth, and muses. "Has the auxiliary squadron arrived yet?"
"Yes," she says, adjusting her spectacles, "Mamiya-san was successfully escorted by Destroyer Division 6. She's on-site to refresh the ships at port." She adjusts them again. "Haruna got hit in the turret during the gun battle, but she is alright."
"She always is," the Admiral smirks, and puts the tablet aside. "Tell the fleet they're doing a good job, but don't celebrate until we have the Philippines again. There is still a Carrier Task Group out there somewhere and I want it destroyed."
"Aye, Admiral." The light cruiser bows and takes her leave, but stops right by the door. "Oh, last thing: Kongou is looking forward to the Lt. Commander's arrival, and wants to throw a tea party before he arrives."
He glares at her, and she matches it. They hold it for a relative eternity, neither will willing to bend. Someday, he will be victorious.
But then he blinks, and she does not. Someday. Someday, he will be victorious. But not today.
The Admiral sighs. "Please tell me you told her."
"God no, I'm a ship, not senseless."
"Mmph." He groans, and clasps his hands. "Well, I hope he's a fast learner."
"Aren't you going to help him?"
He laughs. "God no. I want to see it happen."
----
"Aaaaaaand here are the dockyards! We come here to get fixed up when we get hurt! And also for upgrades and refits," Shiratsuyu adds quickly. "Most of us get one refit. A few of us get two!"
"Are you one of them?" Commander Konoe asks.
Shiratsuyu stops, goes dark, and looks down at her feet.
"...Shiratsuyu?"
"I'll be the first one to get it next," she mumbles. "Probably… I think."
The Commander shrugs and keeps walking. The berths available at the dockyard are… frankly massive. Large enough to have full-sized ships, actually. In fact, there's a ship undergoing repair right now, with a hole punched through the side of the hull. Must be a torpedo hit.
But unless Shiratsuyu is a massive outlier, the ships they are sortieing now are people sized. So why would Yokosuka need full-sized repair docks?
"Ahn~ Commander, it's rude to look, you know~?"
"What." The Commander looks around for whoever said that, and sees a busty blonde girl with a beret waving at him from atop the damaged… what class of ship was that? Oh, heavy cruiser. The damaged heavy cruiser. Who just so happens to also have a huge tear in her clothing on the left side, showing off one of her shapely thighs. "What?"
"I don't mind though, you can look all you waaaant~"
"What." He looks at Shiratsuyu. "Shiratsuyu, who is she and wha--"
"I'll be the first one to get it next," Shiratsuyu mutters to herself, playing with pebbles with her fingers. "I'll be the first one to get it next, I'll be the first one to get it next. I'll be the first. I'll be the first. I'll be the first."
Konoe sighs. Well, she's useless now. Maybe he should get an ensign to babysit her. It's probably their job now anyways. With no one else to turn to, he goes closer to the girl on the damaged heavy cruiser. She looks very familiar, but he can't place where he's seen her. "What do you mean, 'rude to look'? I'm just inspecting the battle damage."
The blonde grins slyly at him. "Ara ara, Commander. So forward…"
"I'm really not seeing the problem, I'm not looking at you." Not at the tear showing off her thigh, at least. He's looking at her face. It's the least he could do.
"Oh, but you are, Commander… Or maybe?" She puts a finger on her chin and leans against the railing, her blouse buttons visibly straining. "You don't know yet?"
"Know what ye--"
And then suddenly it clicks. Hole showing off her left thigh. Torpedo hit on the port side, near the engine. Blonde hair. Beret. Oddly busty. A top-heavy superstructure with five double-barrelled turrets. And she's a huge tease.
"...Oh my god you're Atago."
"Pan-paka-pa~an!" The second ship of the Takao-Class waves her hands in the air and cheers. "Congratulations, Commander! You noticed!"
"Right." He looks at the heavy cruiser that the heavy cruiser is on. This is getting frustratingly meta and he wants no part of it. "That explains the berths."
"Mmhm!" Atago nods. "I'm looking forward to working with you, Commander!"
"You have a lot of pictures on the internet."
She winks and grins. "I know~"
"...Right, so I should probably get going. Shiratsu--" He looks around, and Shiratsuyu is on the ground on her side, the only sign of life being the occasional twitch.
"F-First… in line… for second remodel…" She rasps, like a man dying of dehydration. "F-Faster… than… Yuudachi… and… Sh-Shigure… a-and Kawakaze… Right, Admiral…"
"--yyyyyyou know what I'll just find my own quarters."
Atago giggles, and points in a direction. "Dormitories are that way~"
"Ah, thank you Atago."
"Pan-paka-pa~an ~☆~"
----
His first mistake was following Atago's instructions. Reason dictates that a) she would be teasing him on at least one level, and that b) she probably has never been to the crew dormitories before.
His second mistake, upon entering a room full of half-dressed warships - including legendary Nagato herself, surrounded by destroyers - was to say "...Did he seriously assign this as my bunk?"
His third mistake was waiting for the MPs to arrive.
"...So that was when she screamed and ran through a wall?" The policeman asks, while another two try - and fail - to herd the destroyers still around into their squadrons. The Commander nods. "What did you do?"
"I just asked why she was hugging six destroyers at once," he replies innocuously.
The MP nods and sighs. "Yeah, don't… don't do that. Nagato has a… complex."
"Ah?"
"She has a compulsive need to hug cute things and hates herself for that. She lost control during a sortie once and tried to hug an Abyssal Princess." The MP shakes his head. "Mutsu nearly died."
"Really?" The poor girl. It must have torn her up inside.
"Yeah, her third turret exploded."
Commander Konoe looks straight through the MP. He blinks slowly, one eye at a time. He takes a sharp breath. "What."
"Yeah, that's about right," the MP nods sympathetically. "Look, Commander, sorry this happened on your first day. How about I show you to your quarters after we finish processing all these destroyers?"
"That would be good, thank yo--Wait." Konoe looks around the room, all four corners of it. "You said all the destroyers?"
"That's right, sir. Standard procedure."
"There are like thirty destroyers."
The MP exhales sharply. "Yeeep."
"...Would you like some hel--"
"Oh dear god please yes"
----
Four hours later, he is finally at his quarters. It smells of salt in here, and it fucking suits him just fine, because so does he.
"Having fun?" The Admiral asks as he is closing the door behind him, and the Commander screams. To his credit, he does also swing around with a roundhouse kick. But the Admiral is experienced, not old, and blocks it easily with an arm. "Definitely having fun."
"You know what happened," the Commander grumbles.
"Yes," the Admiral replies. "Nagato came to me and apologised an hour ago. She volunteered to fix the wall, but I said no."
"Am I fixing the wall?"
The Admiral smirks. "Well, if you insist."
"Fuck you."
"Excuse me?"
"Fuck you, Admiral."
He smiles and nods. "Much better, Lt. Commander Konoe. You are dismissed for the day. Welcome back."
Commander Konoe exhales sharply, and salutes the Admiral. "It's good to be back, sir."
"Good, good… Oh, right." The Admiral snaps his fingers and turns around. "The Kongou sisters will be returning next week, and they were hoping to throw a welcoming party for you."
He blinks. But he's here now. Which means that they'll be… ohhhh.
Ah fuck. "Should I be concerned?"
"They know you are my protege, and you know what shipgirls are like." The Admiral winks at him. The gesture gives him the shivers, like bugs up his spine. "Best of luck, Lt. Commander Konoe."
The door closes with a click, and Lt. Commander Konoe flops onto his bed.
Great. Now everything smells like salt.
Last edited:
Cornuthaum
Be kind to each other.
- Location
- Austria
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Ahaahhaha you actually did it.
You are insane.
Insane with genius.
You are insane.
Insane with genius.
He needs to not be so salty about everything. He should focus on the positives.
Like how he only has to deal with Kongou if he lives that long!
- Location
- Little Red Dot
It's his first day. Military logic dictates that having as crap a first day as possible is good for a soldier's learning. New environment, new attitude and all. In other news, Shiratsuyu...needs to get some help getting over herself, or she's going to have a massive logic breakdown at some point. Ah well, all in a day's work at a shipgirl base.
(Atago best character so far, all hail the trolls! =P)
(Atago best character so far, all hail the trolls! =P)
- Location
- Philippines
I think I hurt my ribs from laughing so hard at the antics of salty Admiral, salty Konoe, trollish Atago, and Nagamon.
More please :3
More please :3
Whiskey Golf
Being of Editing & Technical Assistance
- Location
- Chained to my desk
This calls for a celebration with eggplants, that it does. Eggplant tempura in salt.
The salt is real indeed. I say this as someone who carries a litearal poundof salt in his backpack.
The salt is real indeed. I say this as someone who carries a litearal poundof salt in his backpack.
Sir_Braazmiir
Tiefling Paladin
- Location
- Wherever I am
Really? You seriously do?
Whiskey Golf
Being of Editing & Technical Assistance
- Location
- Chained to my desk
Well, yeah. Bought it at the supermarket and I haven't dropped it off at the office yet.
Sir_Braazmiir
Tiefling Paladin
- Location
- Wherever I am
For what? We let you stop reading... THAT ONE badfic. You know which one I'm talking about, because I refuse to call it by name.
De3ta
Mae
- Location
- The hellish pit known as New Jersey
Shenanigans
ColdGoldLazarus
Contrary Quester, Spreadsheet Queen, Pink Flamingo
- Location
- Challenger Deep
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I'm curious now. What badfic?
Also, isn't this a little off-topic?
Sir_Braazmiir
Tiefling Paladin
- Location
- Wherever I am
What sort? I'd like to say count me in, but I prefer to have a bit more info over bum-rushing in halfcocked.
2: The Dess Wars
- Location
- Singapore
If you're reading this, I'm trapped at the warfare evolution conference. Send help.
If you're not Ooyodo, take this letter and take it to Ooyodo.
If you are Kongou or any of her sisters, you are probably already on the way. Keep in mind that no one knows where the conference is except Ooyodo. Take this letter to her.
If you are Lt. Cmdr Konoe, this doesn't prove anything.
Regards, the Admiral
----
2026, April
It has been two weeks since Lt. Commander Takeshi Konoe has arrived at the Yokosuka Naval Base, and it has been two weeks of… mostly normal work. He had been assisting with the organisation of the returning fleet after the Philippines Campaign, and that has been a refreshing change of pace. Managing logistics and organising the retreat has been good, solid work.
Well, he says assisting, but the Commander was basically in charge of everything. Because the one who was in charge of everything has fucked off somewhere else to attend some Conference where they eat cheese with glass toothpicks and laugh about how plebian their underlings are. Maybe. Probably. Point is the Admiral skived on work, and dumped it on him.
A more charitable man would say the Admiral is grooming his promising young protege in command by giving him a challenge to expand his horizons, while protecting him from his failures if he fucks up anywhere. But Lt. Commander Konoe is not especially charitable at the moment. Mostly because of the destroyers who like spending time in his office.
The destroyers who are currently spending time in his office.
"Commaaaaaaander," Murasame chirps, as she covers his eyes right as he is writing an email. "Guess who~?"
He sighs, and peels her hands off. He's a touch typist but being able to read what he is tying is very important thank you very much. "Murasame, I'm working. Please don't interrupt me."
"You've been working, like, a lot, Commander! You should like, take a break!" Yuudachi types quickly into her laptop and flips it around to show him a flash games site. "Here! You can, like, try these! I have some, like, recommendations you can try!"
He sighs and looks at her. "Yuudachi, please. I'm working."
"Poi~"
Shiratsuyu pops up with him, waving a gameboy, and cheers. "YES! FIRST IN TETRIS! SUCK IT, SHIMAKAZE!"
There was a faint 'sooooo slooooooow' from the hallway. Commander Konoe mentally reminds himself that these are ships, and sonar is very powerful. But why the fuck did they even pick up on each other from so far away she's in fucking mock battle practice right now--
Calm down, calm down. They're also girls. They don't know what they are doing. He clasps his hands together and breathes into it, a long drawn out breath. It's warm, and he's not very cold. But it helps sooth the nerves.
He hears the clinking of tableware before he sees the tea, and is immediately soothed. "I got you tea, Commander," Shigure says gently to him, hands clasped.
He takes it gratefully, and takes a sip. It's warm, almost scalding. But somehow scalding his tongue is the least of his concerns now. A shipgirl battleship is still a battleship, and battleships eat a lot. "Thank you, Shigure. You're definitely the most mature of the bunch."
"Ah, no… I just do my best, Commander."
He glances at the other three sisters. Murasame, who is humming some k-pop song as she brushes her hair. Shiratsuyu, who is making noises while she plays more tetris. And Yuudachi, who is playing games on her laptop. How does she even have a laptop? And shouldn't she stop? Red eyes usually mean you should stop playing computer games. "If only the rest of your sisters were like that," he says quietly through gritted teeth.
Yuudachi looks up at him, head tilted. "Poi?"
He shrugs and returns to typing.
"...So, Commander. What are you writing?"
"A treatise on how the Admiral abandoning Yokosuka during this period for a conference will only lead to him being the target of an extremist cell attack. At best he'll have to deal with being a hostage. At worst, he'll have to reenact Die Hard."
Shigure looks at him. She tilts her head. "Die… Hard, sir?"
"He laughed it off," Commander Konoe sighs derisively. "But it's going to happen. Mark my words, Shigure. It will happen."
"...What is 'Die Hard'?"
The Commander looks at Shigure. She looks back with confusion. He sighs, and turns off his monitor.
"Alright, time for a break," he says to the sisters. "We are watching Die Hard."
----
"All units, check in, dess."
"Spirit, checking in!"
"Microphone, checking in."
"Yes, I'm alright!"
"Haruna, do it right!"
"...D-Daijoubu, checking in."
"Ye~es! Teatime, checking in! Kirishima, is the target in positio~on?"
"...Oneesama, if you're going to use our real names anyway…"
"Checking… one, two, three, four… Yes, he's here. Shall I execute?"
"Alright! On three! One, two…"
----
Ooyodo looks up from her reports suddenly, sniffing at the air.
"Something up?" Akashi asks, halfway through poking at her cranes.
A devilish grin spreads on her face.
----
"I win the bet."
----
The Lt. Commander stirs, weakly blinking the grogginess away, and groans. Did he take a break to watch Die Hard and piss the day away again? Because if word of this ever gets out, the old bastard will never let him live it down, and that's unforgivable. Also valuable and important warships will be left vulnerable. That's also pretty bad.
He tries to stretch, to pump himself up to get back to responsibility, but his hands won't move. Perception returns to him in bursts, as he suddenly realises that he is on a folding chair. He would never willingly sit on a folding chair, let alone while drunk.
Also he can't bind his own wrists in rope. That usually takes help.
Therefore, he has been kidnapped.
"...God fucking dammit," he mutters loudly. "This is the fifth time."
----
"...God fucking dammit," the Admiral mutters loudly. "This is the fifth time."
"Indeed," Kaga says dutifully by his side, hands on her lap and fingers drumming her bow. "Shall I get to work?"
"Quietly. Let the Americans draw their attention."
"Understood."
Something explodes.
"Nevermind. Don't let the Americans get all the attention."
"Understood."
----
The door opens, and one figure is backlit by an intense light that blinds out all their features. Then one figure becomes four, a line of imposing figures, dressed in miko attire, as they pose dramatically. Somehow, there is smoke billowing along the floor. The smoke machine must have been expensive.
A melodic voice, full of energy and britishness, calls out to him. Kongou, obviously. "Ah, Commander. I've been expecting you, dess."
The Lt. Commander nods stoically. "D Division. Do you expect me to talk?"
One of them laughs, more spirited and less elegant. Also less british. "No, Commander, I expect you to die!"
"...No we don't, Hiei, we want him to live," a third voice, deeper and thoughtful, says quietly. Probably Kirishima. "He's the Commander. We can't kill him."
"Yeah… I'm sorry, I just really really wanted to say that line!"
"It's okay, Hiei!" The fourth one says, and she's soft and gentle and, somehow, sounds fluffy. Who else but Haruna? "Just do your best!"
Well, Konoe thinks, if he's here he might as well perform. "Just who are you? Why are you doing this?"
"Hm hm! Born in England and raised in Japan, I'm the--"
"Name ship of the Kongou-Class Battleships, Kongou," the Commander says drolly. "And with you are Hiei, Kirishima, and Haruna."
Kongou just looks at him, stunned. The other sisters range from outraged to shocked. All in all, a good day's work.
Except he's not actually working. Dammit.
"...You're good, dess."
"I try," He smirks. "So, all of D Division? I'm flattered."
"Don't be, dess!" Kongou says as Haruna closes the door behind them. "I wanted to welcome you to Yokosuka Naval Base, dess!" She pouts gloomily as she thinks about the time. "But then the campaign dragged for a few months, dess."
He pauses, gears chundering. Why are they the D Division? None of their names start with D.
"But it's alright!" Kongou raises a hand and clenches it. "Because we're back now, and we can do this!"
"...By kidnapping me while I was watching Die Hard." He sighs and shakes his head. "For shame, Kongou. For shame."
The sisters avert their eyes awkwardly, and the tension in the air grows thicker and thicker. Good, good. He has control of the situation.
"...Yeah, we weren't going to kidnap you at first," Kirishima admits.
"Yes, yes," Haruna agrees, "We were just going to welcome you to the base during the movie and ask you there!" She deflates. "Then Hiei walked in with the curry…"
"And the rest as they say," Kongou concludes, "Is history, dess."
"Bwuh, I got it, I got it! Stop teasing me, jeez!" Hiei flaps her arms angrily, blushing bright red. "I know I'm bad at cooking, okay?! I'm trying to get better!"
"It's okay, Hiei," Haruna tries to say reassuringly, "Everyone has good points and bad points--"
"I SAID STOP TEASING ME HARUNAAAAA--"
"Hiei stop the video camera is--"
The Commander sighs. That explains some things. Like why the Shiratsuyus all fell over before he did.
...Speaking of, what happened to them?
----
"There there, there there," Houshou says in her usual, motherly fashion. "It's okay now, the bad smell is gone."
"I-Is it?" Shiratsuyu sniffs, while all four sisters cuddle against the old carrier. "IS IT REALLY?!"
"I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER, LIKE, SMELL GOOD AGAAAAAAIN!" Yuudachi wails.
"T-The rain w-w-washes away all," Shigure sobs silently, as she fails to not cry. "T-The rain… w-washes away it a-all, right?"
"I don't think it's that bad," Murasame says, surprisingly composed. "I just like hugs."
"There there, there there..." Houshou looks around, still smiling, and pulls out her phone. "Mamiya-chan? I'm going to need some shaved ice."
----
Seriously, the Commander thinks. Why D Division? Is it something they eat? Was it the sector they were assigned to?
"...So anyways, dess!" Kongou leans right into his face, uncomfortably inside his personal space. "Shall we get started, dess?" She smiles brightly at him, almost blindingly so.
"Sure, but I don't think you know what you want."
"I know what I want, Commander, and I know that you're the key!" Kongou puts one hand on her chest and throws the other out. "To my BURNING LOOOOVE!"
"...Right."
"Our Oneesama loves the Admiral, you see," Kirishima explains helpfully.
"And she wants him to return her feelings!" Haruna adds.
"Therefore, you're here to help us with that," Hiei concludes. "Because we want the best for our Oneesama, and the Admiral is the best there is."
Right, he thinks. The three loves of the kanmasu. Food, killing Abyssals, and their commanding officer. But, well, he should really put a stop to this. For all their sakes. "You do realise the Admiral is pushing sixty, right?"
Kirishima gasps. "What? My data never said anything about that."
The Lt. Commander looks at her. "You… realise that Admirals are never young men, right?"
"Well, I mean…" Kirishima looks at Haruna, hoping for help. She gets none but a thumbs up and some moral support. "I'm just saying… The Admiral looks young."
"Looks can be deceiving," Commander Konoe responds dryly.
Kongou, who has been quiet until now, finally speaks. "Age is no issue with me, dess!" Kongou declares. "The Admiral is the Admiral, and I will love him regardless, dess!"
Admirable, he has to admit. Love like this is very, very rare. Unfortunately, he is collateral damage. He can't stay here, or they'll find out about… it.
But how? How does he escape?
And why does he smell tea?
Oh, wait. British-built Fast Battleship.
...God, the Royal Navy isn't having a good time, is it?
----
"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck," Vice Admiral Keyes of the Royal Navy says as he hides under the conference table, while a furious firefight - more or less - rages above him, "We should have gotten the Kongou."
"Hey, you sold her to the Japanese," Vice Admiral Ruge of the German Navy grumbles next to him. "We have the Prinz Eugen, but the US won't give her back. Because they're a bunch of greedy assholes."
"Hey, fuck you," Admiral Harper of the United States Navy says next to them. "We won her, fair and square."
"Yeah, and then you nuked her."
"...Look, it was after the war--"
"Twice."
"...We're still keeping her."
"And that about sums up geopolitics, doesn't it?" Admiral Keyes sighs. "Disgraceful. And it's almost tea time."
----
"So, Commander," Kongou asks, as the sisters surround him menacingly. "What does the Admiral like in a woman?"
"Big boobs," he tells her. He's not even lying.
"...I meant emotionally, dess."
Seriously, why D Division? He's going to stay up all night now. "Iunno, someone who cooks?"
Kongou nods and jots it down in her notebook. "Likes… Cooking…"
"Sorry, Hiei," Haruna says sadly to her older sister.
"S-Sorry about what?! I don't like the Admiral! I don't!"
Kirishima just looks sadly at her.
"He enjoys long walks on the beach, I think," the Commander says blankly, while he works on his hand bindings.
"Long… walks… on… beach… dess…"
"Oh, and he likes brown hair."
"Brown… hair… YES! GREAT VICTORY!" Kongou cheers, and high-fives Haruna. Hiei proceeds to slip further into depression, because her precious oneesama didn't high-five her instead.
Now's his chance. "Oh, and he likes women who can tie knots properly."
"Knots… properly… Huh?" Kongou looks at him oddly. "Why knots? I don't get it."
"W-Well… Oneesama you see..." Kirishima says, blushing, and whispers into her ear.
"Uh huh. Uh huh. I see… W-W-What?!" Kongou blushes and cups her cheeks. "A-Admiral! T-T-There's a time and a place for everything!"
"There really is," The Commander nods sadly, and slips his hands out of the rope. "Speaking of, I should go. Bye!"
----
Ooyodo looks up from her report again, sniffing.
"What now?" Akashi asks, as she gives each of the Shiratsuyus a checkup before Mamiya passes them a bowl of shaved ice.
She sighs. "Failure."
----
"In retrospect I really should respect the term 'Fast Battleship' more," Commander Konoe sighs.
"Mmhm," Hiei grunts with her arms crossed. "Well, you won't escape this time! With me here, with all my spirit, I shall guard you until you tell us everything we need!"
"Alright, alright," the Commander says, "I know when I'm beaten. I'll tell you what you need to know."
"Ye~es!" Kongou rolls over to him - literally, literally rolls - and pulls out a pen and notepad. "Has the Admiral ever been married? Have you ever met his girlfriend?"
"Before that, I should remind you it's teatime."
Kongou gasps, long and hard. Like a balloon deflating, except in reverse and in half the time. She does go flying though. "That's right, dess! It's teatime! Kirishima, scones~"
"I have the spread right here!" Hiei declares, and pulls off a tarp to reveal a meticulously-made table, with silverware and everything. Even the butter knife. Especially the butter knife.
"Right here, oneesama," her sister dutifully says, and pulls a lid off a plate to reveal some very fragrant and well-done scones.
"Alright!" Haruna cheers. "Haruna, eating at full power!"
The sisters dig in, and enjoy their afternoon lunch.
And none of them realise the Lt. Commander has bodily flung himself out of the window until after they finish buttering their toast.
----
His lungs burn. His legs burn. He probably has numerous lacerations on his everywhere because he jumped out a glass window. And landing was not easy, either. Especially because of the glass shards.
But Lt. Commander Konoe did not survive four previous kidnapping attempts by flinching at glass. If he did, he would already be married and a father of four. And man, he is not looking forward to fatherhood.
But already, he feels the thumping on the ground. The chugging, the tremors. The burning love.
They are already coming, and he might not survive.
Around the bend, in front of him, he might be able to lose them. Radar and sonar are one thing, but Lt. Commander Konoe has something that they don't have: desperation.
So he forces his body ahead as it screams for rest, or breath, or something to stem the bleeding with, until it can no longer move. Which is hopefully after the Kongous have given up their search.
Hahaha who is he kidding they'll never stop he's so fucked.
He rounds the bend, and falls flat on his face. The ground is surprisingly warm, and tastes like dust. God, his wounds are going to be so infected.
So this is how he dies. Surrounded by dess.
"...Oh, that's the reason." He laughs, and wipes the glass off his forehead. "It's Dess Division." He laughs maniacally on the ground as his body finally gives up. He laughs, and laughs, until he can laugh no longer.
----
Suddenly, spontaneously, the Admiral of Yokosuka Base starts laughing.
"Something wrong?" Admiral Harper asks.
"I feel a disturbance at my naval district," the Admiral says between chuckles. "And it's not me this time."
----
"Lt. Commander." He opens his eyes, and finds a raven-haired girl with glasses looking over him. "Lt. Commander, get up."
"Oh, just get it over and done with, Kirishima," he slurs. "I'm dead already…"
She slaps him, and his vision clears. "Get your act together, Lt. Commander Konoe. You have a job to do, and secrets to keep."
Oh, it's not Kirishima. "Hey, Ooyodo..." She pulls him up, though he's like a damp cloth now. "Why are you helping me…"
"Because I know," the light cruiser replies, and props him against a wall. The tremors are getting heavier. They are getting so close now.
He blinks. "You know?"
"I know everything." She smirks. "And it is better that they don't know."
"Why… they'll get torn up?"
"Because it's funnier that they don't."
His smile widens. "You are the best secretary ship ever." His smile fades. "But they're going to catch up soon… how are you going to hold them off…"
"Oh, I called in some favors."
The door beside him opens, and Akagi steps out in full rigging, bow in hand and an arrow nocked.
"Lt. Commander," she nods. Hiryuu and Souryuu step out after her, greeting him as well, and follow her into position by the turn.
And then Nagato punches the wall open and folds her arms in a badass way.
"Out of the way, Nagato!" He hears Hiei shout. "We're finding the Lt. Commander!"
"Ho?" Nagato says with an eager smirk. "You wish to challenge the Big Seven?"
"Nothing gets in the way of love, Nagato!" Kirishima shouts. "You know this more than anyone!"
She smirks, and cracks her knuckles. "Well, sometimes you have to let go of the things you love."
"We'll hold them off," Ooyodo tells him, as Akashi - where did she come from - picks him up and throws him over her shoulder. "Remember, Lt. Commander: It has to be funny."
The Commander gives a thumbs up, and then he's out like a light.
----
Two days later, the Admiral steps into his office, slightly singed, and finds the Lt. Commander sitting behind his desk, hands clasped before his mouth. A distress letter is placed right before him.
"...I see you found my letter," the Admiral says to him.
"I think it proves everything," the Commander replies.
"Well, I think you have a lot to learn," the Admiral chuckles.
The Commander opens his mouth to rebut, but then the Admiral steps to the side.
And in the moments before a Fast Battleship with hair buns plows into him in a devastating bear hug, the Commander laments that he really, really should have seen this coming.
If you're not Ooyodo, take this letter and take it to Ooyodo.
If you are Kongou or any of her sisters, you are probably already on the way. Keep in mind that no one knows where the conference is except Ooyodo. Take this letter to her.
If you are Lt. Cmdr Konoe, this doesn't prove anything.
Regards, the Admiral
----
2026, April
It has been two weeks since Lt. Commander Takeshi Konoe has arrived at the Yokosuka Naval Base, and it has been two weeks of… mostly normal work. He had been assisting with the organisation of the returning fleet after the Philippines Campaign, and that has been a refreshing change of pace. Managing logistics and organising the retreat has been good, solid work.
Well, he says assisting, but the Commander was basically in charge of everything. Because the one who was in charge of everything has fucked off somewhere else to attend some Conference where they eat cheese with glass toothpicks and laugh about how plebian their underlings are. Maybe. Probably. Point is the Admiral skived on work, and dumped it on him.
A more charitable man would say the Admiral is grooming his promising young protege in command by giving him a challenge to expand his horizons, while protecting him from his failures if he fucks up anywhere. But Lt. Commander Konoe is not especially charitable at the moment. Mostly because of the destroyers who like spending time in his office.
The destroyers who are currently spending time in his office.
"Commaaaaaaander," Murasame chirps, as she covers his eyes right as he is writing an email. "Guess who~?"
He sighs, and peels her hands off. He's a touch typist but being able to read what he is tying is very important thank you very much. "Murasame, I'm working. Please don't interrupt me."
"You've been working, like, a lot, Commander! You should like, take a break!" Yuudachi types quickly into her laptop and flips it around to show him a flash games site. "Here! You can, like, try these! I have some, like, recommendations you can try!"
He sighs and looks at her. "Yuudachi, please. I'm working."
"Poi~"
Shiratsuyu pops up with him, waving a gameboy, and cheers. "YES! FIRST IN TETRIS! SUCK IT, SHIMAKAZE!"
There was a faint 'sooooo slooooooow' from the hallway. Commander Konoe mentally reminds himself that these are ships, and sonar is very powerful. But why the fuck did they even pick up on each other from so far away she's in fucking mock battle practice right now--
Calm down, calm down. They're also girls. They don't know what they are doing. He clasps his hands together and breathes into it, a long drawn out breath. It's warm, and he's not very cold. But it helps sooth the nerves.
He hears the clinking of tableware before he sees the tea, and is immediately soothed. "I got you tea, Commander," Shigure says gently to him, hands clasped.
He takes it gratefully, and takes a sip. It's warm, almost scalding. But somehow scalding his tongue is the least of his concerns now. A shipgirl battleship is still a battleship, and battleships eat a lot. "Thank you, Shigure. You're definitely the most mature of the bunch."
"Ah, no… I just do my best, Commander."
He glances at the other three sisters. Murasame, who is humming some k-pop song as she brushes her hair. Shiratsuyu, who is making noises while she plays more tetris. And Yuudachi, who is playing games on her laptop. How does she even have a laptop? And shouldn't she stop? Red eyes usually mean you should stop playing computer games. "If only the rest of your sisters were like that," he says quietly through gritted teeth.
Yuudachi looks up at him, head tilted. "Poi?"
He shrugs and returns to typing.
"...So, Commander. What are you writing?"
"A treatise on how the Admiral abandoning Yokosuka during this period for a conference will only lead to him being the target of an extremist cell attack. At best he'll have to deal with being a hostage. At worst, he'll have to reenact Die Hard."
Shigure looks at him. She tilts her head. "Die… Hard, sir?"
"He laughed it off," Commander Konoe sighs derisively. "But it's going to happen. Mark my words, Shigure. It will happen."
"...What is 'Die Hard'?"
The Commander looks at Shigure. She looks back with confusion. He sighs, and turns off his monitor.
"Alright, time for a break," he says to the sisters. "We are watching Die Hard."
----
"All units, check in, dess."
"Spirit, checking in!"
"Microphone, checking in."
"Yes, I'm alright!"
"Haruna, do it right!"
"...D-Daijoubu, checking in."
"Ye~es! Teatime, checking in! Kirishima, is the target in positio~on?"
"...Oneesama, if you're going to use our real names anyway…"
"Checking… one, two, three, four… Yes, he's here. Shall I execute?"
"Alright! On three! One, two…"
----
Ooyodo looks up from her reports suddenly, sniffing at the air.
"Something up?" Akashi asks, halfway through poking at her cranes.
A devilish grin spreads on her face.
----
"I win the bet."
----
The Lt. Commander stirs, weakly blinking the grogginess away, and groans. Did he take a break to watch Die Hard and piss the day away again? Because if word of this ever gets out, the old bastard will never let him live it down, and that's unforgivable. Also valuable and important warships will be left vulnerable. That's also pretty bad.
He tries to stretch, to pump himself up to get back to responsibility, but his hands won't move. Perception returns to him in bursts, as he suddenly realises that he is on a folding chair. He would never willingly sit on a folding chair, let alone while drunk.
Also he can't bind his own wrists in rope. That usually takes help.
Therefore, he has been kidnapped.
"...God fucking dammit," he mutters loudly. "This is the fifth time."
----
"...God fucking dammit," the Admiral mutters loudly. "This is the fifth time."
"Indeed," Kaga says dutifully by his side, hands on her lap and fingers drumming her bow. "Shall I get to work?"
"Quietly. Let the Americans draw their attention."
"Understood."
Something explodes.
"Nevermind. Don't let the Americans get all the attention."
"Understood."
----
The door opens, and one figure is backlit by an intense light that blinds out all their features. Then one figure becomes four, a line of imposing figures, dressed in miko attire, as they pose dramatically. Somehow, there is smoke billowing along the floor. The smoke machine must have been expensive.
A melodic voice, full of energy and britishness, calls out to him. Kongou, obviously. "Ah, Commander. I've been expecting you, dess."
The Lt. Commander nods stoically. "D Division. Do you expect me to talk?"
One of them laughs, more spirited and less elegant. Also less british. "No, Commander, I expect you to die!"
"...No we don't, Hiei, we want him to live," a third voice, deeper and thoughtful, says quietly. Probably Kirishima. "He's the Commander. We can't kill him."
"Yeah… I'm sorry, I just really really wanted to say that line!"
"It's okay, Hiei!" The fourth one says, and she's soft and gentle and, somehow, sounds fluffy. Who else but Haruna? "Just do your best!"
Well, Konoe thinks, if he's here he might as well perform. "Just who are you? Why are you doing this?"
"Hm hm! Born in England and raised in Japan, I'm the--"
"Name ship of the Kongou-Class Battleships, Kongou," the Commander says drolly. "And with you are Hiei, Kirishima, and Haruna."
Kongou just looks at him, stunned. The other sisters range from outraged to shocked. All in all, a good day's work.
Except he's not actually working. Dammit.
"...You're good, dess."
"I try," He smirks. "So, all of D Division? I'm flattered."
"Don't be, dess!" Kongou says as Haruna closes the door behind them. "I wanted to welcome you to Yokosuka Naval Base, dess!" She pouts gloomily as she thinks about the time. "But then the campaign dragged for a few months, dess."
He pauses, gears chundering. Why are they the D Division? None of their names start with D.
"But it's alright!" Kongou raises a hand and clenches it. "Because we're back now, and we can do this!"
"...By kidnapping me while I was watching Die Hard." He sighs and shakes his head. "For shame, Kongou. For shame."
The sisters avert their eyes awkwardly, and the tension in the air grows thicker and thicker. Good, good. He has control of the situation.
"...Yeah, we weren't going to kidnap you at first," Kirishima admits.
"Yes, yes," Haruna agrees, "We were just going to welcome you to the base during the movie and ask you there!" She deflates. "Then Hiei walked in with the curry…"
"And the rest as they say," Kongou concludes, "Is history, dess."
"Bwuh, I got it, I got it! Stop teasing me, jeez!" Hiei flaps her arms angrily, blushing bright red. "I know I'm bad at cooking, okay?! I'm trying to get better!"
"It's okay, Hiei," Haruna tries to say reassuringly, "Everyone has good points and bad points--"
"I SAID STOP TEASING ME HARUNAAAAA--"
"Hiei stop the video camera is--"
The Commander sighs. That explains some things. Like why the Shiratsuyus all fell over before he did.
...Speaking of, what happened to them?
----
"There there, there there," Houshou says in her usual, motherly fashion. "It's okay now, the bad smell is gone."
"I-Is it?" Shiratsuyu sniffs, while all four sisters cuddle against the old carrier. "IS IT REALLY?!"
"I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER, LIKE, SMELL GOOD AGAAAAAAIN!" Yuudachi wails.
"T-The rain w-w-washes away all," Shigure sobs silently, as she fails to not cry. "T-The rain… w-washes away it a-all, right?"
"I don't think it's that bad," Murasame says, surprisingly composed. "I just like hugs."
"There there, there there..." Houshou looks around, still smiling, and pulls out her phone. "Mamiya-chan? I'm going to need some shaved ice."
----
Seriously, the Commander thinks. Why D Division? Is it something they eat? Was it the sector they were assigned to?
"...So anyways, dess!" Kongou leans right into his face, uncomfortably inside his personal space. "Shall we get started, dess?" She smiles brightly at him, almost blindingly so.
"Sure, but I don't think you know what you want."
"I know what I want, Commander, and I know that you're the key!" Kongou puts one hand on her chest and throws the other out. "To my BURNING LOOOOVE!"
"...Right."
"Our Oneesama loves the Admiral, you see," Kirishima explains helpfully.
"And she wants him to return her feelings!" Haruna adds.
"Therefore, you're here to help us with that," Hiei concludes. "Because we want the best for our Oneesama, and the Admiral is the best there is."
Right, he thinks. The three loves of the kanmasu. Food, killing Abyssals, and their commanding officer. But, well, he should really put a stop to this. For all their sakes. "You do realise the Admiral is pushing sixty, right?"
Kirishima gasps. "What? My data never said anything about that."
The Lt. Commander looks at her. "You… realise that Admirals are never young men, right?"
"Well, I mean…" Kirishima looks at Haruna, hoping for help. She gets none but a thumbs up and some moral support. "I'm just saying… The Admiral looks young."
"Looks can be deceiving," Commander Konoe responds dryly.
Kongou, who has been quiet until now, finally speaks. "Age is no issue with me, dess!" Kongou declares. "The Admiral is the Admiral, and I will love him regardless, dess!"
Admirable, he has to admit. Love like this is very, very rare. Unfortunately, he is collateral damage. He can't stay here, or they'll find out about… it.
But how? How does he escape?
And why does he smell tea?
Oh, wait. British-built Fast Battleship.
...God, the Royal Navy isn't having a good time, is it?
----
"Oh, fuck all kinds of duck," Vice Admiral Keyes of the Royal Navy says as he hides under the conference table, while a furious firefight - more or less - rages above him, "We should have gotten the Kongou."
"Hey, you sold her to the Japanese," Vice Admiral Ruge of the German Navy grumbles next to him. "We have the Prinz Eugen, but the US won't give her back. Because they're a bunch of greedy assholes."
"Hey, fuck you," Admiral Harper of the United States Navy says next to them. "We won her, fair and square."
"Yeah, and then you nuked her."
"...Look, it was after the war--"
"Twice."
"...We're still keeping her."
"And that about sums up geopolitics, doesn't it?" Admiral Keyes sighs. "Disgraceful. And it's almost tea time."
----
"So, Commander," Kongou asks, as the sisters surround him menacingly. "What does the Admiral like in a woman?"
"Big boobs," he tells her. He's not even lying.
"...I meant emotionally, dess."
Seriously, why D Division? He's going to stay up all night now. "Iunno, someone who cooks?"
Kongou nods and jots it down in her notebook. "Likes… Cooking…"
"Sorry, Hiei," Haruna says sadly to her older sister.
"S-Sorry about what?! I don't like the Admiral! I don't!"
Kirishima just looks sadly at her.
"He enjoys long walks on the beach, I think," the Commander says blankly, while he works on his hand bindings.
"Long… walks… on… beach… dess…"
"Oh, and he likes brown hair."
"Brown… hair… YES! GREAT VICTORY!" Kongou cheers, and high-fives Haruna. Hiei proceeds to slip further into depression, because her precious oneesama didn't high-five her instead.
Now's his chance. "Oh, and he likes women who can tie knots properly."
"Knots… properly… Huh?" Kongou looks at him oddly. "Why knots? I don't get it."
"W-Well… Oneesama you see..." Kirishima says, blushing, and whispers into her ear.
"Uh huh. Uh huh. I see… W-W-What?!" Kongou blushes and cups her cheeks. "A-Admiral! T-T-There's a time and a place for everything!"
"There really is," The Commander nods sadly, and slips his hands out of the rope. "Speaking of, I should go. Bye!"
----
Ooyodo looks up from her report again, sniffing.
"What now?" Akashi asks, as she gives each of the Shiratsuyus a checkup before Mamiya passes them a bowl of shaved ice.
She sighs. "Failure."
----
"In retrospect I really should respect the term 'Fast Battleship' more," Commander Konoe sighs.
"Mmhm," Hiei grunts with her arms crossed. "Well, you won't escape this time! With me here, with all my spirit, I shall guard you until you tell us everything we need!"
"Alright, alright," the Commander says, "I know when I'm beaten. I'll tell you what you need to know."
"Ye~es!" Kongou rolls over to him - literally, literally rolls - and pulls out a pen and notepad. "Has the Admiral ever been married? Have you ever met his girlfriend?"
"Before that, I should remind you it's teatime."
Kongou gasps, long and hard. Like a balloon deflating, except in reverse and in half the time. She does go flying though. "That's right, dess! It's teatime! Kirishima, scones~"
"I have the spread right here!" Hiei declares, and pulls off a tarp to reveal a meticulously-made table, with silverware and everything. Even the butter knife. Especially the butter knife.
"Right here, oneesama," her sister dutifully says, and pulls a lid off a plate to reveal some very fragrant and well-done scones.
"Alright!" Haruna cheers. "Haruna, eating at full power!"
The sisters dig in, and enjoy their afternoon lunch.
And none of them realise the Lt. Commander has bodily flung himself out of the window until after they finish buttering their toast.
----
His lungs burn. His legs burn. He probably has numerous lacerations on his everywhere because he jumped out a glass window. And landing was not easy, either. Especially because of the glass shards.
But Lt. Commander Konoe did not survive four previous kidnapping attempts by flinching at glass. If he did, he would already be married and a father of four. And man, he is not looking forward to fatherhood.
But already, he feels the thumping on the ground. The chugging, the tremors. The burning love.
They are already coming, and he might not survive.
Around the bend, in front of him, he might be able to lose them. Radar and sonar are one thing, but Lt. Commander Konoe has something that they don't have: desperation.
So he forces his body ahead as it screams for rest, or breath, or something to stem the bleeding with, until it can no longer move. Which is hopefully after the Kongous have given up their search.
Hahaha who is he kidding they'll never stop he's so fucked.
He rounds the bend, and falls flat on his face. The ground is surprisingly warm, and tastes like dust. God, his wounds are going to be so infected.
So this is how he dies. Surrounded by dess.
"...Oh, that's the reason." He laughs, and wipes the glass off his forehead. "It's Dess Division." He laughs maniacally on the ground as his body finally gives up. He laughs, and laughs, until he can laugh no longer.
----
Suddenly, spontaneously, the Admiral of Yokosuka Base starts laughing.
"Something wrong?" Admiral Harper asks.
"I feel a disturbance at my naval district," the Admiral says between chuckles. "And it's not me this time."
----
"Lt. Commander." He opens his eyes, and finds a raven-haired girl with glasses looking over him. "Lt. Commander, get up."
"Oh, just get it over and done with, Kirishima," he slurs. "I'm dead already…"
She slaps him, and his vision clears. "Get your act together, Lt. Commander Konoe. You have a job to do, and secrets to keep."
Oh, it's not Kirishima. "Hey, Ooyodo..." She pulls him up, though he's like a damp cloth now. "Why are you helping me…"
"Because I know," the light cruiser replies, and props him against a wall. The tremors are getting heavier. They are getting so close now.
He blinks. "You know?"
"I know everything." She smirks. "And it is better that they don't know."
"Why… they'll get torn up?"
"Because it's funnier that they don't."
His smile widens. "You are the best secretary ship ever." His smile fades. "But they're going to catch up soon… how are you going to hold them off…"
"Oh, I called in some favors."
The door beside him opens, and Akagi steps out in full rigging, bow in hand and an arrow nocked.
"Lt. Commander," she nods. Hiryuu and Souryuu step out after her, greeting him as well, and follow her into position by the turn.
And then Nagato punches the wall open and folds her arms in a badass way.
"Out of the way, Nagato!" He hears Hiei shout. "We're finding the Lt. Commander!"
"Ho?" Nagato says with an eager smirk. "You wish to challenge the Big Seven?"
"Nothing gets in the way of love, Nagato!" Kirishima shouts. "You know this more than anyone!"
She smirks, and cracks her knuckles. "Well, sometimes you have to let go of the things you love."
"We'll hold them off," Ooyodo tells him, as Akashi - where did she come from - picks him up and throws him over her shoulder. "Remember, Lt. Commander: It has to be funny."
The Commander gives a thumbs up, and then he's out like a light.
----
Two days later, the Admiral steps into his office, slightly singed, and finds the Lt. Commander sitting behind his desk, hands clasped before his mouth. A distress letter is placed right before him.
"...I see you found my letter," the Admiral says to him.
"I think it proves everything," the Commander replies.
"Well, I think you have a lot to learn," the Admiral chuckles.
The Commander opens his mouth to rebut, but then the Admiral steps to the side.
And in the moments before a Fast Battleship with hair buns plows into him in a devastating bear hug, the Commander laments that he really, really should have seen this coming.
- Location
- Little Red Dot
I'm already seeing Kongou rebounding so hard onto the Lt. Cmdr.
Inb4 he has a steady, and the world promptly goes kaput from the metaphysical load of too much Dess-truction.
All things considered there are worse ways to go than having reality fold in on itself due to insufficient resistance to BURNING LOVE.
Inb4 he has a steady, and the world promptly goes kaput from the metaphysical load of too much Dess-truction.
All things considered there are worse ways to go than having reality fold in on itself due to insufficient resistance to BURNING LOVE.
Cornuthaum
Be kind to each other.
- Location
- Austria
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Wonderful
- Location
- National Capital Region, USA
So many questions...
- Location
- Singapore
Fortunately, Kongou can also always rebound onto an American. Iowa is around, after all.
ColdGoldLazarus
Contrary Quester, Spreadsheet Queen, Pink Flamingo
- Location
- Challenger Deep
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I'm not sure I quite understood what was going on with the conference and the distress letter, but otherwise this was pretty funny. I especially laughed at how Shigure wound up being the one to distract Konoe where the less mature sisters failed. Unintentionally, to boot.
- Location
- Singapore
The Conference will be addressed in a future Vignette that takes place concurrently with this one.
That said, the Lt. Commander would disagree. Die Hard isn't a distraction, it is a treasure.
- Location
- Pacific NW
Hell you want distractions? Two words. Karaoke Night.
Just imagine the devastation that happens when Akatsuki choosing an English song about a dessert, breaks into Warrant's 'Cherry Pie'.
Just imagine the devastation that happens when Akatsuki choosing an English song about a dessert, breaks into Warrant's 'Cherry Pie'.
- Location
- Philippines
Once more you prove that DESS botes are best botes. Aaahhh, that was really rib-busting funny~
Nottheunmaker
Altman be praised
- Location
- USG Ishimura
This is pretty amusing. I hope we see more of Big 7. And Ichi-ban. Shiratsuyu is criminally under used, worse then Maya even. And Maya never gets center stage!