Vulpine Fury
in socks
From the clues, I want to say this is going to be Rider Medb, and if this was QQ, well... *tugs collar nervously*
Mash will blush very prettily regardless.
Mash will blush very prettily regardless.
The Thrilling Adventures of Kaleido Garnet [F/GO, Prisma Illya]
- Thread starter Rob Rimsill
- Start date
Zedman7054
Eternally 3rd
- Location
- United States
A Noble Phantasm that summons a bull-driven chariot, that not too bad.
It's just, well, where all the damage comes from after the target has been
- Location
- Philippines
I knew about the seven people each night, but I thought it was just women? Though I wouldn't be surprised if Fergus subscribed to any hole is a goal
- Location
- Probably at sea
So, just double-checked this because I thought I remembered that 'needing seven people per night or else one sexual tyrannosaurus' was Medb's thing. And according to Wikipedia, I was in fact wrong… because while Fergus does need either seven women or one Medb, Medb needs thirty men or one Fergus.
Yikes, is all I have to say to that.
- Location
- Philippines
Wow. Just, wow. I underestimated both Medb and Fergus
Last edited:
Chapter 14 – In which cunning and determination win against raw power, I guess, whatever
- Location
- Probably at sea
Here it is, the next big fight scene! You all know how much I love doing big superpowered setpieces, where… what's that? Only Mash can fight even approaching the level of a Servant, even a watered-down Card-form one? And this time our team have got an additional squishy hostage with them?
Bah.
Looks like this fight will have to focus on character development and humour rather than spectacle, again. Ugh. Here I am, writing a set of action figures to smash together and use lots of short phrases and single line paragraphs to describe a really cool fight scene, and I can't use any of them together yet. I guess I can have, you know, intellectual battles where cunning and determination win against raw power-
No, wait! Come back, readers who are here for action! We'll get there! Maybe the Lancer fight will be cool, you don't know! Come baaaaack
THE THRILLING ADVENTURES OF KALEIDO GARNET
Chapter 14 – In which cunning and determination win against raw power, I guess, whatever
It was easy to see the El-Melloi car coming. It was one of those classical ones, which probably cost a fortune to keep but made you feel like a Peaky Blinder for the one day a year you could bear to take it out on the road. It looked somewhat out of place in this part of London, like a three piece suit at a basement rave. It swished towards Ritsuka and Mash, a piece of forgotten elegance that harked back to when a car was a status symbol and not just a place to store spare clothes and McDonalds wrappers.
The effect was somewhat ruined by the furious honking as a group of hoodies, presumably inhabited by teenagers, ran in front of it. One of them raised their middle finger up at the car, and then at Rituska too, apparently on general principles. Once they were clear, the car pulled up beside Ritsuka.
From the driver's side, Reines got out. "Little shits," she said fondly. "I do love getting out in proper London every now and again – the Association is a nest of vipers, but for real authentic low-grade villainy you just can't beat a gang of young turds with ASBOs. Do they still do those?" She turned to her car. "Come on, brother, you can't hide in there forever."
The passenger door opened. Waver Velvet emerged.
Ritsuka tried not to laugh.
"Oh, um," said Mash, succeeding far better than Ritsuka, "that's such a nice disguise, Mr Velvet!"
"Yes," said the apparition in cargo shorts, socks with sandals, shutter shades and t-shirt with KING OF FUCCBOIS across the chest, "This is definitely a disguise I chose myself and not something my sister forced on me." He sighed.
Reines didn't bother to hide her glee. "Of course it's a disguise, brother. It's all right for associate workers from Animusphere, but the Lord of the El-Melloi can hardly disgrace himself by being seen in a strip club! You can't possibly be recognised, and of course you'll need to blend in. I don't know why you're complaining, really. Didn't you want to be taken along when these two found the Rider Card?" She looked at Ritsuka. "How do you know it's the Rider Card, anyway?"
Ritsuka shrugged. "Just a hunch, really."
Over Waver's spluttering and Reines' cackle, Mash spoke up. "So, I guess we're ready to go! Are you coming in too, Miss Reines?"
"As much as I'd like to see how my brother acts in a strip club, no," said Reines. "I'm actually here to talk to your sticks."
Ritsuka could feel Ruby's attention snap to Reines. People never wanted to talk to the sticks. Olga Marie sometimes managed days without speaking to the sticks, and she was their boss. Even Mash and Ritsuka, who were supposed to keep them on hand at all times in case of emergency, occasionally 'forgot' to take them along when they went out to a museum (for research and nothing else) or art gallery (for culture and nothing else) or candlelit restaurant (for, um, a bite to eat and nothing else? Go with that).
"Are… are you sure?" said Mash. "We're really not responsible for them, so please bear that in mind."
"Liable, Mash, the word is liable. The Director was very clear on that," added Ritsuka. "I mean… I guess I can't stop you?"
"For what it's worth, I'm against this plan," said Waver. "I expect this to make less than no difference, but saying 'I told you so' is one of my few pleasures in life, so I just wanted you all to know that."
"I'm sure the sticks will behave themselves…" began Mash, in the desperate tones of a mother assuring a primary school teacher that, this time, despite all past evidence to the contrary, their child really wouldn't write rude words in permanent marker on the school hamster if they took it home. "Miss Reines will almost certainly be fine! And we can probably persuade the sticks to reverse anything too horrible!"
"You have met my sister, haven't you? It's not her I'm worried about."
"Nonsense," said Reines, looking worryingly cheerful as Ruby floated up to her from Ritsuka's bag. "I just wanted to suggest a certain disguise Ruby might want to try, just in case my dear brother looks like he isn't having fun. Surely you don't want him to have a terrible time? This is supposed to be enjoyable!" She leant down to whisper to Ruby, and pushed a piece of paper into her waiting… hands? Wings? Ritsuka caught a glimpse of some kind of drawing on it, before it was swiftly consumed in a disturbing flurry of paper, and the two broke apart, giggling.
This was fine. Everything was fine.
"Well, let's get going," Ritsuka said. "Mr Velvet, if you would?"
Inside the Naughty Dog was, um.
Ritsuka had heard the expression, 'did not know where to put his face' before, and like a lot of English idioms he didn't really get it. Surely it just stayed, you know, on the front of your head? But now, it made perfect sense. There were many places he could have put his face – indeed, was being enthusiastically invited to do so – and yet, he simply could not bring himself to choose any of them.
Mash seemed to have an idea, though, as her fingers hadn't left her eyes since they'd walked in. It was too dark to see clearly in any case, but Ritsuka had learned to interpret the adorable squeaking noises that occasionally emerged from his flatmate and knew that her face was slowly turning redder and redder. His own wasn't far behind.
The smell of booze in the air wasn't helping matters. It was champagne, and beer, and interesting brightly-coloured cocktails with naughty-sounding names and umbrellas on sticks in them – all mixed with a variety of interesting perfumes. Ritsuka took a deep breath, and regretted it.
Waver snorted. "Kids." He produced a cigarette lighter and his cigar, used the first to light the second and wiggled them in the air in a way that made Ritsuka's eyes water. The bouncer that had started to make his way over when he saw the cigar veered abruptly aside, as did the women that had been presumably about to ask Ritsuka to buy them drinks.
"Thanks…" said Mash, although she still didn't dare to peek.
"No problem," said Waver. "Now, hurry up and get us into the Mirror World. This spell will do exactly nothing to stop a real magus from seeing us, and it would be just like my students to just happen to be here on the one night I show up in a strip club looking like this."
"What would they be doing here?" said Ritsuka.
Waver sighed angrily, rubbing the back of his head. "I'd like to be snarky and say, 'studying', except that knowing Flat he probably would be doing something like, oh, I don't know, researching tantric energy in various states of altered consciousness. Which is pretty much the same thing everyone else is here for, except I have to read about it secondhand when he writes a paper on it." He huffed out a large cloud of cigar smoke. "Actually, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that that's going to happen, so any time now with the Mirror World please."
They did so, the sticks' familiar chant almost completely drowned out by the music. The sudden silence when they had finished was jarring. The club's lights weren't on – in the deserted Mirror World, who would have turned them on? – so Mash cast a couple of glowing balls that hung like parachute flares overhead. In the real world, artful shadows both made the place look a lot more roomy than it actually was while making it so that each booth was difficult to see from the others. In the harsh blue light though, the club just looked weird, and small.
The smell had gone, though. Now there was just a faint smell of beer, probably still clinging to their clothes, and honey. Mash's perfume, maybe?
"Okay," Ritsuka said. "Mr Velvet, please step back, and let Mash and I handle things. Mash, let's look for… the…"
And that was as far as he got, before the most beautiful woman in the universe stepped on stage and Ritsuka's brain turned to mush and dribbled out of his ears.
It literally didn't matter what she was wearing, and in fact Ritsuka only barely managed to spare the mental energy to file it under 'white dress' – and even that was only to note how much better it would look crumpled on the floor. The woman beneath it was way, way more interesting in any case. It wasn't even the way she looked, because her appearance was only a tiny part of her – Ritsuka had never used the word before, but allure was the only one that fit. The way she stood one hip cocked to the side, the way her eyebrow quirked when she saw Ritsuka looking, the way she smelled – honeyed beer, stronger than ever – everything about her just grabbed Ritsuka by the hormones and wouldn't let go.
Mash and Ruby were wittering on about something in the background, but it probably wasn't important, so Ritsuka tuned them out. They didn't matter. Nothing mattered, in fact, but the woman on the stage, beckoning him closer… and Waver. They approached.
Ritsuka exchanged glares with the other man, and his fingers tightened on Ruby – until the woman giggled, as if to tell them to stop being so silly about it all. Ritsuka relaxed. There was no need to be jealous.
"Drink," said the woman, and offered a cup up to Ritsuka's lips. The liquid inside was sweet and bitter and rich like nothing he'd ever had, and Ritsuka would genuinely have sold all his possessions for another taste right then.
Wow, did all alcohol taste like that? Ritsuka could start to see the point of it if that was the case.
Ritsuka decided there and then that this was who he was fighting for, and he counted himself a lucky man to have come to London and started this whole Magical Boy thing if this was where his life had led him.
"Okay," he said. "So what do we do now?"
Waver nodded behind him. "First, you need to calm down your little girlfriend."
Ritsuka's heart pounded, and he spun. Why on Earth had he brought Mash with him? The woman was going to get the wrong idea! "She's not my – don't believe him, ma'am –" He broke off, because he saw with horror what Mash was about to do.
She had Sapphire out, and actually aimed at the vision of loveliness on stage. What was she doing? Couldn't Mash see that She needed protecting, and supporting, and – ah, no, it looked like Mash had fully lost her goddamn mind, because she was actually charging an attack.
And, wow, he'd forgotten just how large Mash could make her energy attacks. She was clearly taking no chances, because he didn't think she'd ever hit him with one quite this big, and it was still growing…
"Split the beam, boy," came Waver's voice, calm and clear behind him. "You're no match for Miss Kyrielight in power – neither am I, come to that – but with this kind of thing you're better off working smart, not hard."
Made sense. Talking Mash down could come afterwards.
"Got it. Go, Ruby!" Ritsuka thrust out his Kaleidostick, aiming to create a wedge of force that would divert Mash's attack to either side.
Nothing happened.
"Ruby! What the hell are you doing?"
"Um, not obeying the clearly mind-controlled Master? Just let Mash and Sapphire do their thing, it looks like they're almost ready."
Ritsuka cursed. Of all the times for Ruby to come up with a new gag… Well. There were ways of persuading her to co-operate.
Just as Mash released the blast, which surged forward as a crackling ball of blue energy, Ritsuka leapt.
As he passed in between Mash and the woman, he swept Ruby down in an arc. Now he found out if he was right, or if he was dead.
"Ugh, fine!"
Right it was then. A shining pink crescent exploded from Ruby – and while it had basically no ability to withstand the force Mash could summon, it was just enough to split it in two. Ritsuka stood between Mash and his woman, Kaleidostick raised, as Mash's energy blast sailed off harmlessly to either side.
"Senpai…" she whispered, looking pained. "I don't want to fight you."
Ritsuka had never been one to pass up a movie quote, and he wasn't about to start now. He grinned. "I wouldn't wanna fight me neither."
Mash bit her lip, but stared him down defiantly. "I'm much stronger than you, senpai, and more to the point, Ruby will only save you if she thinks you're going to die. I don't have to charge up lethal shots every time, you know." At her words, five more bright blue balls formed around her, ready to fire.
"You certainly have a lot of faith in your control," said Waver. Ritsuka glanced behind him. That sneak, he'd managed to get right up to the woman while Ritsuka was distracted, and She was draped all over him. Adults were so unfair. Waver was clearly enjoying the attention going by his flushed look, but he continued. "Are you sure you can hold back enough to put Mr Fujimaru out of action without killing him? Because I'm not."
"Neither am I." Ritsuka spread his hands in a what-can-you-do gesture. "I'm super weak. Some might even say delicate."
Out of nowhere, a pink glow covered his body head to toe. "Diverting all power to physical protection," said Ruby smugly.
Ritsuka grinned. "Thanks, partner!"
"What? Wait, no-!"
This wasn't going to be pleasant, but it wasn't like he had any other choice. Ritsuka sprinted forward, arms crossed in front of his head to protect himself from Mash's shots – and struck. He wasn't any kind of martial artist, but he wasn't unfit – and Mash wasn't exactly Bruce Lee herself.
The shock and hurt in her eyes as his fist hit her cheek… wasn't pleasant. But she'd understand, when everything was over.
Mash stumbled back, and put a hand to her face. She gripped Sapphire, and fixed Ritsuka with a determined look. "Okay. Senpai, if you're in there, I want you to understand that I know this isn't you. I'll fix this. Ruby, you do as much as you can too. Until then, I guess this is on me. Sapphire!"
"Yes, Master. Good luck, sister."
Ritsuka closed in again, this time aiming for a quick knockout with an uppercut.
He had time to think, Huh, didn't have to stop any energy blasts this time, woo! before he was in range. He punched, intent on putting all his force into this one blow so Mash didn't have to suffer any more.
"Include!"
Clang.
"Ow…"
Turns out, when Kaleidostick-protected knuckles met Noble Phantasm shield? The shield won.
Ritsuka hopped back, clutching his stinging hand to his chest – and barely ducked a swing that threatened to take his head off. He backed off, putting a booth between him and Mash. That shield looked heavy. "Um, Ruby, just to check, you are still at maximum physical protection, right?"
"Nope! I'm diverting a fair bit to shoring up mental defences, just like we did against the Caster Card."
"Tell that to Sapphire!" Ritsuka complained, frantically dodging to stay ahead of Mash, whose shield passed about an inch from his head, ruffling his hair. "What does 'a fair bit' mean? How much defence have I got?"
"Oh, you know… some," said Ruby. "Probably easier if you just surrender, though."
"Thanks Ruby. Super helpful as always."
Staying ahead of Mash was getting harder and harder. Either Sapphire's physical enhancement was greater than Ruby's to begin with, or Ruby was deliberately limiting Ritsuka for whatever deranged prank she had going on. Or both. Both was probably the answer.
Meanwhile, Waver simply observed from up on the stage.
"Are you going to, you know, help at all?" yelped Ritsuka, while Mash tried to force him to one side.
Waver blew a lazy smoke ring. "Do I look like a battlemage to you? I have people for this."
"Nice of them to show up!"
"Quit whining. You're doing fine." Waver considered the fight. "My advice? Abandon defence entirely. Miss Kyrielight will hesitate before any potentially fatal blow, and that will be your moment to take advantage."
"Unacceptable," said Sapphire, still in shield form. "If you wish to take advantage of my Master, it will be the proper way, after buying her dinner and flowers."
"Sapphire!" Cheeks red, Mash slammed the shield into the ground where Ritsuka had been, possibly a little harder than was necessary.
"Don't worry about it, Mash. I wouldn't do that to you," Ritsuka said.
One of the best things about Mash was how expressive she was. You could see Mash droop as her face fell, and Sapphire dipped to the floor. "You… you wouldn't?"
"Um, well, you know, there's really only one woman in my life for me," Ritsuka said, sticking a thumb over his shoulder at the stage. "I think you deserve someone's full attention, you know? You're worth that."
"Right…"
"Once we sort all this out… and once I've broken you out of your mind control, I guess… we should totally get you set up on dating sites. I can vet people for you, and walk you to and from your dates, and pick you up if it goes badly, and… um…" Ritsuka put a hand to his cheek. "I seem to be crying, that's weird…"
He wiped his face, and fixed Mash with his usual cheerful grin. Judging by her reaction, it wasn't convincing her. Probably it was the tears that continued to roll down his cheeks. Traitors!
"Ruby," Mash said, very calmly, "Any luck with breaking through the effect?"
"Sorry, Mash! We're up against a Noble Phantasm-grade Charm here, so a bit of mental dissonance is the best I can do. I can tell you it's tied to that mead the Card's got, though."
"Thank you," Mash said. "It looks like I'll be doing this myself, then. Senpai… I really will try not to hurt you, but I can't let this go on. Sapphire, let's do it."
"Engaging Mind-Control Release Mode," said Sapphire.
Ritsuka couldn't help but ask, "You have one of those?"
"The shield has a back, doesn't it?" said Ruby. "We always wanted to try this."
The what had a what?
But Mash didn't look like she was joking. She raised Sapphire into a fighting stance again, and she looked as serious as Ritsuka had ever seen her. Her purple eyes blazed with determination, and her mouth was set in a stubborn line.
Kaleido Amethyst stepped forward.
Ritsuka backed away.
"I'm not sure that's how shields work-" he tried.
Then Saphhire slammed into his stomach and head in two lightning-quick swipes, and it all went black.
Ritsuka woke up slowly, and really wished he hadn't. His head pounded, the light stabbed his eyes when he cracked open his eyes, and there was a persistent ringing in his ears. Also, he was lying in a puddle of rapidly cooling sick.
Was this one of those 'hangovers' he'd heard about? If so, he took back everything he'd said before about being able to see the point of alcohol, because nothing was worth this.
Oh, actually, maybe it was just a concussion. That fit better.
"Back of the shield, my arse…" he grumbled.
Then the events of the last few minutes caught up with him.
Oh. Oh, fiddlesticks. He'd said – he'd done –
"Shiiiiit shit shit fuckity goshdarn shit," he said, pretty justifiably in his opinion.
"Feeling better, Master?"
"Physically? No. Mentally? Still no, but for different reasons." He took an experimental sniff. The scent of beer and honey was gone from the air, and Ritsuka could make out a faint pink bubble surrounding him. "Thanks, Ruby. I guess you're filtering out whatever Noble Phantasm was making me act like that, huh?"
"You got it! I couldn't directly free you from control, but between Sapphire's Mind Control Release Mode making you throw up and me stopping the Noble Phantasm from coming into contact with you, I guess it was enough."
"Best partner," Ritsuka said, patting Ruby on the head.
He pushed himself to his feet and looked around. He couldn't have been out long – Mash was now between him and the stage, but the Card was still on stage, looking very unconcerned, and Waver…
"Ah, you're awake," he said, around the small knife he held to his own throat. "I was wondering how long I'd have to continue to do this. Maximum aggression, then, boy, and Miss Kyrielight, please remember that if you should manage to knock Mr Fujimaru out again I will have to take drastic steps."
"Sorry, teach, looks like school's out," said Ritsuka. "I don't suppose you could surrender? You really don't stand a chance against the two of us, even with a Servant backing you up."
"Tch." Waver frowned. "Well, let me catch you up. If either of you takes another step closer, or tries to harm Her in any way, then I've been instructed to take my own life. I really don't want to, but…" The Card giggled and cooed, reaching up to pat Waver on the cheek. "You see how it is."
"I can't tell if he's bluffing or not," said Mash. "But I didn't want to test it, so we were at kind of an impasse."
"Probably a good plan," said Ritsuka. He shuddered to remember how it had been. It was an insidious kind of mind control – it left you your wits, your thoughts, all your mental faculties, but rearranged things so that the Card and what it wanted was always the number one priority. How you acted after that was up to you. If Waver had decided this was the course of action he wanted to go with… yeah, he probably would go through with it if pushed, complaining all the way.
Which meant they were pretty close to losing their teacher here. Apart from anything else, it would be very difficult to explain to Reines, and Ritsuka didn't fancy being saddled with Waver's remaining debt.
"Any ideas?" he said.
"We could try to blast the knife out of his hand…" started Mash.
Waver sighed. "I've just Reinforced myself. Good luck breaking my grip."
"What if we immobilised him with some kind of energy sheath? You can handle that, right, Sapphire?"
"That kind of energy construct usually has a weak point that can be shattered if you flood it with energy," said Waver. "I'm not deaf, you know. If you're going to plot against me, please at least do it quietly. Or, you know, give up already."
Ritsuka and Mash exchanged a look. This was a lot harder than it seemed at first glance. Waver wouldn't last a second against either of them in a fight, but the canny old man (he was over forty) had manoeuvred himself into a situation where that didn't matter. Unless they could find a way to break this deadlock, this could be tricky.
"Can we, like… just leave him here?" suggested Ritsuka. "It wouldn't be the first time we've retreated from a Card, and he has to sleep sometime."
"You've never been a teacher, have you boy?" came Waver's amused reply. "Finding a way to last for forty hours on two cups of coffee was the very first self-enhancement spell I learned."
"Stop listening to our ideas!"
Adults were so unfair.
Ritsuka was about ready to give up, when help arrived from an unexpected direction.
"I have an idea!" piped up Ruby.
"Really?"
"Really really! It should break Mr Waver's concentration enough for you to actually subdue him. Only, I can't tell you what it is because he's listening, duh. A clue, though – I'll have to transform you for it."
"I already hate this plan."
"Oh, don't be silly. It'll be great! And it was suggested by Miss Reines, so I guarantee it'll work. Trust me!"
Ritsuka groaned. "I'm not going that far… but fine." He twirled his magical wand and struck a pose. By now, he knew what to do if he wanted to avoid Ruby having any 'accidents' with untested transformations. "Kaleido Garnet: Anti-Sensei Knight Soldier, set up!"
There was pink light.
Ritsuka looked down, hardly daring to discover what abomination Ruby had put him in this time. "Hmm, that is a lot of straps," he said. There was a lot of red, gold, and black. There was little fluffy fur bits at the top of his gloves. There was a kilt. There was a slinky little halter neck top. There was… "An ab window? Ruby, did Sapphire design this?"
Well, he didn't feel all that different, but maybe it had hidden stat increases? He looked towards the stage.
Waver gaped like a fish in Ritsuka's direction, then collapsed, foaming at the mouth.
"Huh. That was easy. Mash, could you-"
A coruscating beam of blue energy slammed into the Card, punching it through the outer wall of the club and leaving it lying in a crushed heap.
"Thanks, Mash. Best partner."
"I thought that was me!" huffed Ruby, having the gall to sound offended.
Ritsuka gestured at himself. "You were, but then you turned me into an ancient Greek boy stripper."
"I think it's Macedonian, actually," said Mash, although Ritsuka wasn't sure how she could tell since she was looking in every direction except directly at him.
Well, all was well that ended well, apparently. After retreating from Berserker, it felt good to be back on form… even if it would be nice if things went to plan for once.
"…so while Mash went to collect the Card, I stood watch over Mr Velvet in case he woke up still under the influence," Ritsuka finished.
In the end, the point was moot, as Waver had woken up, taken one look at Ritsuka standing over him and promptly vomited, dealing with what was left of the Card's Noble Phantasm in his system. He'd utterly refused to discuss the matter, but had agreed to continue teaching Ritsuka and Mash – not out of gratitude, but in return for 'never ever desecrating my fondest memories like that ever again', as he put it.
Then again, Reines had offered more favours if Ritsuka would hire himself out as a strippogram (exclusively for Waver) wearing that outfit, and it was clear who held the purse strings in that family, so maybe Kaleido Garnet: Anti-Sensei Knight Soldier would ride again someday.
The Director picked up the Card, upon which a figure on a chariot wearing armour was drawn. Once again, it looked nothing like the Heroic Spirit inside it, and once again, Ritsuka wondered just who the drawings were supposed to represent. "Rider, huh?" she said. "Well, good work. Do you think maybe this time it'll have a useful Noble Phantasm?"
Ritsuka thought back, and remembered how he could no more have attacked the Rider Card than his own mother.
"You know, I think it just might…"
Bah.
Looks like this fight will have to focus on character development and humour rather than spectacle, again. Ugh. Here I am, writing a set of action figures to smash together and use lots of short phrases and single line paragraphs to describe a really cool fight scene, and I can't use any of them together yet. I guess I can have, you know, intellectual battles where cunning and determination win against raw power-
No, wait! Come back, readers who are here for action! We'll get there! Maybe the Lancer fight will be cool, you don't know! Come baaaaack
THE THRILLING ADVENTURES OF KALEIDO GARNET
Chapter 14 – In which cunning and determination win against raw power, I guess, whatever
It was easy to see the El-Melloi car coming. It was one of those classical ones, which probably cost a fortune to keep but made you feel like a Peaky Blinder for the one day a year you could bear to take it out on the road. It looked somewhat out of place in this part of London, like a three piece suit at a basement rave. It swished towards Ritsuka and Mash, a piece of forgotten elegance that harked back to when a car was a status symbol and not just a place to store spare clothes and McDonalds wrappers.
The effect was somewhat ruined by the furious honking as a group of hoodies, presumably inhabited by teenagers, ran in front of it. One of them raised their middle finger up at the car, and then at Rituska too, apparently on general principles. Once they were clear, the car pulled up beside Ritsuka.
From the driver's side, Reines got out. "Little shits," she said fondly. "I do love getting out in proper London every now and again – the Association is a nest of vipers, but for real authentic low-grade villainy you just can't beat a gang of young turds with ASBOs. Do they still do those?" She turned to her car. "Come on, brother, you can't hide in there forever."
The passenger door opened. Waver Velvet emerged.
Ritsuka tried not to laugh.
"Oh, um," said Mash, succeeding far better than Ritsuka, "that's such a nice disguise, Mr Velvet!"
"Yes," said the apparition in cargo shorts, socks with sandals, shutter shades and t-shirt with KING OF FUCCBOIS across the chest, "This is definitely a disguise I chose myself and not something my sister forced on me." He sighed.
Reines didn't bother to hide her glee. "Of course it's a disguise, brother. It's all right for associate workers from Animusphere, but the Lord of the El-Melloi can hardly disgrace himself by being seen in a strip club! You can't possibly be recognised, and of course you'll need to blend in. I don't know why you're complaining, really. Didn't you want to be taken along when these two found the Rider Card?" She looked at Ritsuka. "How do you know it's the Rider Card, anyway?"
Ritsuka shrugged. "Just a hunch, really."
Over Waver's spluttering and Reines' cackle, Mash spoke up. "So, I guess we're ready to go! Are you coming in too, Miss Reines?"
"As much as I'd like to see how my brother acts in a strip club, no," said Reines. "I'm actually here to talk to your sticks."
Ritsuka could feel Ruby's attention snap to Reines. People never wanted to talk to the sticks. Olga Marie sometimes managed days without speaking to the sticks, and she was their boss. Even Mash and Ritsuka, who were supposed to keep them on hand at all times in case of emergency, occasionally 'forgot' to take them along when they went out to a museum (for research and nothing else) or art gallery (for culture and nothing else) or candlelit restaurant (for, um, a bite to eat and nothing else? Go with that).
"Are… are you sure?" said Mash. "We're really not responsible for them, so please bear that in mind."
"Liable, Mash, the word is liable. The Director was very clear on that," added Ritsuka. "I mean… I guess I can't stop you?"
"For what it's worth, I'm against this plan," said Waver. "I expect this to make less than no difference, but saying 'I told you so' is one of my few pleasures in life, so I just wanted you all to know that."
"I'm sure the sticks will behave themselves…" began Mash, in the desperate tones of a mother assuring a primary school teacher that, this time, despite all past evidence to the contrary, their child really wouldn't write rude words in permanent marker on the school hamster if they took it home. "Miss Reines will almost certainly be fine! And we can probably persuade the sticks to reverse anything too horrible!"
"You have met my sister, haven't you? It's not her I'm worried about."
"Nonsense," said Reines, looking worryingly cheerful as Ruby floated up to her from Ritsuka's bag. "I just wanted to suggest a certain disguise Ruby might want to try, just in case my dear brother looks like he isn't having fun. Surely you don't want him to have a terrible time? This is supposed to be enjoyable!" She leant down to whisper to Ruby, and pushed a piece of paper into her waiting… hands? Wings? Ritsuka caught a glimpse of some kind of drawing on it, before it was swiftly consumed in a disturbing flurry of paper, and the two broke apart, giggling.
This was fine. Everything was fine.
"Well, let's get going," Ritsuka said. "Mr Velvet, if you would?"
Inside the Naughty Dog was, um.
Ritsuka had heard the expression, 'did not know where to put his face' before, and like a lot of English idioms he didn't really get it. Surely it just stayed, you know, on the front of your head? But now, it made perfect sense. There were many places he could have put his face – indeed, was being enthusiastically invited to do so – and yet, he simply could not bring himself to choose any of them.
Mash seemed to have an idea, though, as her fingers hadn't left her eyes since they'd walked in. It was too dark to see clearly in any case, but Ritsuka had learned to interpret the adorable squeaking noises that occasionally emerged from his flatmate and knew that her face was slowly turning redder and redder. His own wasn't far behind.
The smell of booze in the air wasn't helping matters. It was champagne, and beer, and interesting brightly-coloured cocktails with naughty-sounding names and umbrellas on sticks in them – all mixed with a variety of interesting perfumes. Ritsuka took a deep breath, and regretted it.
Waver snorted. "Kids." He produced a cigarette lighter and his cigar, used the first to light the second and wiggled them in the air in a way that made Ritsuka's eyes water. The bouncer that had started to make his way over when he saw the cigar veered abruptly aside, as did the women that had been presumably about to ask Ritsuka to buy them drinks.
"Thanks…" said Mash, although she still didn't dare to peek.
"No problem," said Waver. "Now, hurry up and get us into the Mirror World. This spell will do exactly nothing to stop a real magus from seeing us, and it would be just like my students to just happen to be here on the one night I show up in a strip club looking like this."
"What would they be doing here?" said Ritsuka.
Waver sighed angrily, rubbing the back of his head. "I'd like to be snarky and say, 'studying', except that knowing Flat he probably would be doing something like, oh, I don't know, researching tantric energy in various states of altered consciousness. Which is pretty much the same thing everyone else is here for, except I have to read about it secondhand when he writes a paper on it." He huffed out a large cloud of cigar smoke. "Actually, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that that's going to happen, so any time now with the Mirror World please."
They did so, the sticks' familiar chant almost completely drowned out by the music. The sudden silence when they had finished was jarring. The club's lights weren't on – in the deserted Mirror World, who would have turned them on? – so Mash cast a couple of glowing balls that hung like parachute flares overhead. In the real world, artful shadows both made the place look a lot more roomy than it actually was while making it so that each booth was difficult to see from the others. In the harsh blue light though, the club just looked weird, and small.
The smell had gone, though. Now there was just a faint smell of beer, probably still clinging to their clothes, and honey. Mash's perfume, maybe?
"Okay," Ritsuka said. "Mr Velvet, please step back, and let Mash and I handle things. Mash, let's look for… the…"
And that was as far as he got, before the most beautiful woman in the universe stepped on stage and Ritsuka's brain turned to mush and dribbled out of his ears.
It literally didn't matter what she was wearing, and in fact Ritsuka only barely managed to spare the mental energy to file it under 'white dress' – and even that was only to note how much better it would look crumpled on the floor. The woman beneath it was way, way more interesting in any case. It wasn't even the way she looked, because her appearance was only a tiny part of her – Ritsuka had never used the word before, but allure was the only one that fit. The way she stood one hip cocked to the side, the way her eyebrow quirked when she saw Ritsuka looking, the way she smelled – honeyed beer, stronger than ever – everything about her just grabbed Ritsuka by the hormones and wouldn't let go.
Mash and Ruby were wittering on about something in the background, but it probably wasn't important, so Ritsuka tuned them out. They didn't matter. Nothing mattered, in fact, but the woman on the stage, beckoning him closer… and Waver. They approached.
Ritsuka exchanged glares with the other man, and his fingers tightened on Ruby – until the woman giggled, as if to tell them to stop being so silly about it all. Ritsuka relaxed. There was no need to be jealous.
"Drink," said the woman, and offered a cup up to Ritsuka's lips. The liquid inside was sweet and bitter and rich like nothing he'd ever had, and Ritsuka would genuinely have sold all his possessions for another taste right then.
Wow, did all alcohol taste like that? Ritsuka could start to see the point of it if that was the case.
Ritsuka decided there and then that this was who he was fighting for, and he counted himself a lucky man to have come to London and started this whole Magical Boy thing if this was where his life had led him.
"Okay," he said. "So what do we do now?"
Waver nodded behind him. "First, you need to calm down your little girlfriend."
Ritsuka's heart pounded, and he spun. Why on Earth had he brought Mash with him? The woman was going to get the wrong idea! "She's not my – don't believe him, ma'am –" He broke off, because he saw with horror what Mash was about to do.
She had Sapphire out, and actually aimed at the vision of loveliness on stage. What was she doing? Couldn't Mash see that She needed protecting, and supporting, and – ah, no, it looked like Mash had fully lost her goddamn mind, because she was actually charging an attack.
And, wow, he'd forgotten just how large Mash could make her energy attacks. She was clearly taking no chances, because he didn't think she'd ever hit him with one quite this big, and it was still growing…
"Split the beam, boy," came Waver's voice, calm and clear behind him. "You're no match for Miss Kyrielight in power – neither am I, come to that – but with this kind of thing you're better off working smart, not hard."
Made sense. Talking Mash down could come afterwards.
"Got it. Go, Ruby!" Ritsuka thrust out his Kaleidostick, aiming to create a wedge of force that would divert Mash's attack to either side.
Nothing happened.
"Ruby! What the hell are you doing?"
"Um, not obeying the clearly mind-controlled Master? Just let Mash and Sapphire do their thing, it looks like they're almost ready."
Ritsuka cursed. Of all the times for Ruby to come up with a new gag… Well. There were ways of persuading her to co-operate.
Just as Mash released the blast, which surged forward as a crackling ball of blue energy, Ritsuka leapt.
As he passed in between Mash and the woman, he swept Ruby down in an arc. Now he found out if he was right, or if he was dead.
"Ugh, fine!"
Right it was then. A shining pink crescent exploded from Ruby – and while it had basically no ability to withstand the force Mash could summon, it was just enough to split it in two. Ritsuka stood between Mash and his woman, Kaleidostick raised, as Mash's energy blast sailed off harmlessly to either side.
"Senpai…" she whispered, looking pained. "I don't want to fight you."
Ritsuka had never been one to pass up a movie quote, and he wasn't about to start now. He grinned. "I wouldn't wanna fight me neither."
Mash bit her lip, but stared him down defiantly. "I'm much stronger than you, senpai, and more to the point, Ruby will only save you if she thinks you're going to die. I don't have to charge up lethal shots every time, you know." At her words, five more bright blue balls formed around her, ready to fire.
"You certainly have a lot of faith in your control," said Waver. Ritsuka glanced behind him. That sneak, he'd managed to get right up to the woman while Ritsuka was distracted, and She was draped all over him. Adults were so unfair. Waver was clearly enjoying the attention going by his flushed look, but he continued. "Are you sure you can hold back enough to put Mr Fujimaru out of action without killing him? Because I'm not."
"Neither am I." Ritsuka spread his hands in a what-can-you-do gesture. "I'm super weak. Some might even say delicate."
Out of nowhere, a pink glow covered his body head to toe. "Diverting all power to physical protection," said Ruby smugly.
Ritsuka grinned. "Thanks, partner!"
"What? Wait, no-!"
This wasn't going to be pleasant, but it wasn't like he had any other choice. Ritsuka sprinted forward, arms crossed in front of his head to protect himself from Mash's shots – and struck. He wasn't any kind of martial artist, but he wasn't unfit – and Mash wasn't exactly Bruce Lee herself.
The shock and hurt in her eyes as his fist hit her cheek… wasn't pleasant. But she'd understand, when everything was over.
Mash stumbled back, and put a hand to her face. She gripped Sapphire, and fixed Ritsuka with a determined look. "Okay. Senpai, if you're in there, I want you to understand that I know this isn't you. I'll fix this. Ruby, you do as much as you can too. Until then, I guess this is on me. Sapphire!"
"Yes, Master. Good luck, sister."
Ritsuka closed in again, this time aiming for a quick knockout with an uppercut.
He had time to think, Huh, didn't have to stop any energy blasts this time, woo! before he was in range. He punched, intent on putting all his force into this one blow so Mash didn't have to suffer any more.
"Include!"
Clang.
"Ow…"
Turns out, when Kaleidostick-protected knuckles met Noble Phantasm shield? The shield won.
Ritsuka hopped back, clutching his stinging hand to his chest – and barely ducked a swing that threatened to take his head off. He backed off, putting a booth between him and Mash. That shield looked heavy. "Um, Ruby, just to check, you are still at maximum physical protection, right?"
"Nope! I'm diverting a fair bit to shoring up mental defences, just like we did against the Caster Card."
"Tell that to Sapphire!" Ritsuka complained, frantically dodging to stay ahead of Mash, whose shield passed about an inch from his head, ruffling his hair. "What does 'a fair bit' mean? How much defence have I got?"
"Oh, you know… some," said Ruby. "Probably easier if you just surrender, though."
"Thanks Ruby. Super helpful as always."
Staying ahead of Mash was getting harder and harder. Either Sapphire's physical enhancement was greater than Ruby's to begin with, or Ruby was deliberately limiting Ritsuka for whatever deranged prank she had going on. Or both. Both was probably the answer.
Meanwhile, Waver simply observed from up on the stage.
"Are you going to, you know, help at all?" yelped Ritsuka, while Mash tried to force him to one side.
Waver blew a lazy smoke ring. "Do I look like a battlemage to you? I have people for this."
"Nice of them to show up!"
"Quit whining. You're doing fine." Waver considered the fight. "My advice? Abandon defence entirely. Miss Kyrielight will hesitate before any potentially fatal blow, and that will be your moment to take advantage."
"Unacceptable," said Sapphire, still in shield form. "If you wish to take advantage of my Master, it will be the proper way, after buying her dinner and flowers."
"Sapphire!" Cheeks red, Mash slammed the shield into the ground where Ritsuka had been, possibly a little harder than was necessary.
"Don't worry about it, Mash. I wouldn't do that to you," Ritsuka said.
One of the best things about Mash was how expressive she was. You could see Mash droop as her face fell, and Sapphire dipped to the floor. "You… you wouldn't?"
"Um, well, you know, there's really only one woman in my life for me," Ritsuka said, sticking a thumb over his shoulder at the stage. "I think you deserve someone's full attention, you know? You're worth that."
"Right…"
"Once we sort all this out… and once I've broken you out of your mind control, I guess… we should totally get you set up on dating sites. I can vet people for you, and walk you to and from your dates, and pick you up if it goes badly, and… um…" Ritsuka put a hand to his cheek. "I seem to be crying, that's weird…"
He wiped his face, and fixed Mash with his usual cheerful grin. Judging by her reaction, it wasn't convincing her. Probably it was the tears that continued to roll down his cheeks. Traitors!
"Ruby," Mash said, very calmly, "Any luck with breaking through the effect?"
"Sorry, Mash! We're up against a Noble Phantasm-grade Charm here, so a bit of mental dissonance is the best I can do. I can tell you it's tied to that mead the Card's got, though."
"Thank you," Mash said. "It looks like I'll be doing this myself, then. Senpai… I really will try not to hurt you, but I can't let this go on. Sapphire, let's do it."
"Engaging Mind-Control Release Mode," said Sapphire.
Ritsuka couldn't help but ask, "You have one of those?"
"The shield has a back, doesn't it?" said Ruby. "We always wanted to try this."
The what had a what?
But Mash didn't look like she was joking. She raised Sapphire into a fighting stance again, and she looked as serious as Ritsuka had ever seen her. Her purple eyes blazed with determination, and her mouth was set in a stubborn line.
Kaleido Amethyst stepped forward.
Ritsuka backed away.
"I'm not sure that's how shields work-" he tried.
Then Saphhire slammed into his stomach and head in two lightning-quick swipes, and it all went black.
Ritsuka woke up slowly, and really wished he hadn't. His head pounded, the light stabbed his eyes when he cracked open his eyes, and there was a persistent ringing in his ears. Also, he was lying in a puddle of rapidly cooling sick.
Was this one of those 'hangovers' he'd heard about? If so, he took back everything he'd said before about being able to see the point of alcohol, because nothing was worth this.
Oh, actually, maybe it was just a concussion. That fit better.
"Back of the shield, my arse…" he grumbled.
Then the events of the last few minutes caught up with him.
Oh. Oh, fiddlesticks. He'd said – he'd done –
"Shiiiiit shit shit fuckity goshdarn shit," he said, pretty justifiably in his opinion.
"Feeling better, Master?"
"Physically? No. Mentally? Still no, but for different reasons." He took an experimental sniff. The scent of beer and honey was gone from the air, and Ritsuka could make out a faint pink bubble surrounding him. "Thanks, Ruby. I guess you're filtering out whatever Noble Phantasm was making me act like that, huh?"
"You got it! I couldn't directly free you from control, but between Sapphire's Mind Control Release Mode making you throw up and me stopping the Noble Phantasm from coming into contact with you, I guess it was enough."
"Best partner," Ritsuka said, patting Ruby on the head.
He pushed himself to his feet and looked around. He couldn't have been out long – Mash was now between him and the stage, but the Card was still on stage, looking very unconcerned, and Waver…
"Ah, you're awake," he said, around the small knife he held to his own throat. "I was wondering how long I'd have to continue to do this. Maximum aggression, then, boy, and Miss Kyrielight, please remember that if you should manage to knock Mr Fujimaru out again I will have to take drastic steps."
"Sorry, teach, looks like school's out," said Ritsuka. "I don't suppose you could surrender? You really don't stand a chance against the two of us, even with a Servant backing you up."
"Tch." Waver frowned. "Well, let me catch you up. If either of you takes another step closer, or tries to harm Her in any way, then I've been instructed to take my own life. I really don't want to, but…" The Card giggled and cooed, reaching up to pat Waver on the cheek. "You see how it is."
"I can't tell if he's bluffing or not," said Mash. "But I didn't want to test it, so we were at kind of an impasse."
"Probably a good plan," said Ritsuka. He shuddered to remember how it had been. It was an insidious kind of mind control – it left you your wits, your thoughts, all your mental faculties, but rearranged things so that the Card and what it wanted was always the number one priority. How you acted after that was up to you. If Waver had decided this was the course of action he wanted to go with… yeah, he probably would go through with it if pushed, complaining all the way.
Which meant they were pretty close to losing their teacher here. Apart from anything else, it would be very difficult to explain to Reines, and Ritsuka didn't fancy being saddled with Waver's remaining debt.
"Any ideas?" he said.
"We could try to blast the knife out of his hand…" started Mash.
Waver sighed. "I've just Reinforced myself. Good luck breaking my grip."
"What if we immobilised him with some kind of energy sheath? You can handle that, right, Sapphire?"
"That kind of energy construct usually has a weak point that can be shattered if you flood it with energy," said Waver. "I'm not deaf, you know. If you're going to plot against me, please at least do it quietly. Or, you know, give up already."
Ritsuka and Mash exchanged a look. This was a lot harder than it seemed at first glance. Waver wouldn't last a second against either of them in a fight, but the canny old man (he was over forty) had manoeuvred himself into a situation where that didn't matter. Unless they could find a way to break this deadlock, this could be tricky.
"Can we, like… just leave him here?" suggested Ritsuka. "It wouldn't be the first time we've retreated from a Card, and he has to sleep sometime."
"You've never been a teacher, have you boy?" came Waver's amused reply. "Finding a way to last for forty hours on two cups of coffee was the very first self-enhancement spell I learned."
"Stop listening to our ideas!"
Adults were so unfair.
Ritsuka was about ready to give up, when help arrived from an unexpected direction.
"I have an idea!" piped up Ruby.
"Really?"
"Really really! It should break Mr Waver's concentration enough for you to actually subdue him. Only, I can't tell you what it is because he's listening, duh. A clue, though – I'll have to transform you for it."
"I already hate this plan."
"Oh, don't be silly. It'll be great! And it was suggested by Miss Reines, so I guarantee it'll work. Trust me!"
Ritsuka groaned. "I'm not going that far… but fine." He twirled his magical wand and struck a pose. By now, he knew what to do if he wanted to avoid Ruby having any 'accidents' with untested transformations. "Kaleido Garnet: Anti-Sensei Knight Soldier, set up!"
There was pink light.
Ritsuka looked down, hardly daring to discover what abomination Ruby had put him in this time. "Hmm, that is a lot of straps," he said. There was a lot of red, gold, and black. There was little fluffy fur bits at the top of his gloves. There was a kilt. There was a slinky little halter neck top. There was… "An ab window? Ruby, did Sapphire design this?"
Well, he didn't feel all that different, but maybe it had hidden stat increases? He looked towards the stage.
Waver gaped like a fish in Ritsuka's direction, then collapsed, foaming at the mouth.
"Huh. That was easy. Mash, could you-"
A coruscating beam of blue energy slammed into the Card, punching it through the outer wall of the club and leaving it lying in a crushed heap.
"Thanks, Mash. Best partner."
"I thought that was me!" huffed Ruby, having the gall to sound offended.
Ritsuka gestured at himself. "You were, but then you turned me into an ancient Greek boy stripper."
"I think it's Macedonian, actually," said Mash, although Ritsuka wasn't sure how she could tell since she was looking in every direction except directly at him.
Well, all was well that ended well, apparently. After retreating from Berserker, it felt good to be back on form… even if it would be nice if things went to plan for once.
"…so while Mash went to collect the Card, I stood watch over Mr Velvet in case he woke up still under the influence," Ritsuka finished.
In the end, the point was moot, as Waver had woken up, taken one look at Ritsuka standing over him and promptly vomited, dealing with what was left of the Card's Noble Phantasm in his system. He'd utterly refused to discuss the matter, but had agreed to continue teaching Ritsuka and Mash – not out of gratitude, but in return for 'never ever desecrating my fondest memories like that ever again', as he put it.
Then again, Reines had offered more favours if Ritsuka would hire himself out as a strippogram (exclusively for Waver) wearing that outfit, and it was clear who held the purse strings in that family, so maybe Kaleido Garnet: Anti-Sensei Knight Soldier would ride again someday.
The Director picked up the Card, upon which a figure on a chariot wearing armour was drawn. Once again, it looked nothing like the Heroic Spirit inside it, and once again, Ritsuka wondered just who the drawings were supposed to represent. "Rider, huh?" she said. "Well, good work. Do you think maybe this time it'll have a useful Noble Phantasm?"
Ritsuka thought back, and remembered how he could no more have attacked the Rider Card than his own mother.
"You know, I think it just might…"
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Well that was certainly worthy of the series.
- Location
- America
The Noble Phantasm is gonna be Chariot My Love, isn't it? 3 for 3 on Noble Phantasms they're not gonna use, I bet.
Hahahahaha
Hahahahaha
- Location
- SomeWhereElse
Ooooooooof. That's some emotional damage for Mash right there. And also Ritsuka.
Really 10 outta 10 on the mind control scene. Funny but also horrifying. Mash continues to be the best
Mattman324
you expected some anime, non-IRL giant robot, eh?
- Location
- Working in the basement on my giant robot.
It was Alexander's outfit, yes.
(he doesn't actually wear that much, you may have noticed. Not at Stage 1 at least.)
- Location
- Philippines
Striperiffic implies it was altered to be more revealing lol. It's just Alexander's normal outfit.
But ngl, Ritsuka in Alexander's clothes sounds hot.
Reines sure loves tormenting Waver, the mental damage he'd recieve from seeing Ritsuka in that outfit is critical haha.
And finally, a useful NP for a change XD. Wait til they find out about the wagon
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The unconscious crying was an excellent touch.
- Location
- Probably at sea
As others have noted, Alexander is plenty stripperiffic all by himself! Or, as he might have put it, the first thing he conquered was his own embarassment.
I suppose we should all count ourselves lucky he isn't available as an Install, because while there's only so much that Sapphire could do to make it lewder she would still try.
No comment!
However, having a chariot pulled by super-bulls is quite useful even if you don't use the Reality Marble fuckpalace inside it.
They are friends and nothing more
But yes, thank goodness for Sapphire's Mind Control Release Mode. I was going to have Waver go in a bit harder on the mental damage by analysing Mash's origins and general situation, but thought that giving her the chance to show what she could do without Ritska's help or guidance was enough to be getting on with.
Chapter 15 - In which heroism is probably achieved
- Location
- Probably at sea
Life in the Clock Tower isn't like normal life. It's an absolute snake pit of politicking and scheming, with everyone involved out to screw over everyone else for their own little piece of the pie. They say they're all working for some distant dream, but in practice they're surprisingly motivated by material gain.
Well, okay, that does sound quite a lot like the rest of Westminster actually. The magi get to throw fireballs, though, and that makes all the difference probably.
The point is, this is not the natural environment for a Magical Girl or Boy. Magical Young Person? That's awkward and clunky, and sounds like a euphemism that a pervert would come up with, but there really isn't much of a way around it. This is a limitation of English, actually, because at least on most of the continent you'd be able to just toss a plural in and have it understood that it would cover everyone.
On the other hand, I'll be in a cold grave before the French get a foothold in this most British of magical girl stories, so I suppose we'll have to deal with it. Where was I? Oh yes.
The Clock Tower is a terrible place full of terrible people, and heroes tend to not to especially well there or else not stay heroes for long.
Still, it should be good for a laugh, eh?
Sparkly blue death approached, and Ritsuka stared it down unflinchingly. I am a fortress of strength, he told himself. While I stand, none behind me shall suffer harm.
"Install!"
Nothing happened, and Ritsuka sighed and swatted away the magical energy blast with Ruby – in shield form, as she had been throughout this stage of their training. The blue beam dissipated harmlessly against the wall of the underground training hall, casting bizarre shadows before fading.
From the sidelines, Waver slow-clapped without looking up, then returned to marking exams.
In front of him, Mash lowered Sapphire. "Any better, senpai?"
"Not really," he said. Ruby szhwooped back into stick form, and Ritsuka plucked the Shielder card from mid-air.
For their upcoming battle against the Berserker Card, Waver had suggested they change up their usual roles – if they were to make the most of the Rider Card's Noble Phantasm against the (male) Berserker Card, Mash would, statistically speaking, probably need to be the one using it. However, in the case that it didn't work for whatever reason, or if it took time to work on a Servant, there was no sense in giving up the Shielder Card's protection. So, for the first time, Ritsuka had gotten to practice defence – Ruby taking an almost perverse pleasure in having Sapphire's magical energy bolts bounce off her while she took the form of Lord Camelot.
And there would be no problem, if Ritsuka expected an Include to be enough. However, years of training as a child had taught him that underestimating Lu Bu was a great way to have half your health bar shaved off before you could say "Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?" With that in mind, therefore, Ritsuka wanted to properly crack Installs before tackling the Flying General again.
It wasn't going well.
Ritsuka had managed to Install Shakespeare a few times since his initial success, and even hold it for about five minutes at a time, but it was nothing he'd trust in combat. He'd even managed, once, to Install the Assassin Card, although it had left him as soon as he tried singing with it and refused to work since.
When Mash tried, she'd managed to Install the Phantom first time, if only for a few minutes, and hadn't reported anything odd – although the Assassin Card did seem to vanish from Ritsuka's holder and make its way into Mash's suspiciously often. Waver was sure the Cards weren't conscious in any real sense, and that the Assassin Card's recalcitrance therefore reflected nothing more than Ritsuka's lack of skill. He was the magus between them, with an office and everything, so Ritsuka supposed he'd have to take his word for it, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that the Phantom had taken the huff with him and was now sulking.
The Archer and Shielder Cards had given neither of them anything so far. Ritsuka had even tried to force the feeling of protectiveness he was sure the Shielder Card would need, but while taping his phone to the wall and having Mash attack it had generated quite a lot of stress, it hadn't helped produce an Install.
He was stumped, he really was.
Still, even just getting more practice in with the shield wasn't nothing. "Okay," he said, "Let's go again. Mash, maybe if you pile on the pressure more – scatter shots, homing bolts, the works. Really try and…" he swallowed, "Really try and break my phone this time."
"Ah, actually," said Waver, looking at his phone, "We'll need to cut it off here. Sorry, but something's come up – and Reines is requesting you two. It's about Trimmau."
"Trimmau?" said Mash. "What is it?"
Waver cracked a smile. "Heh. It's my sister's mercury maid, but that's not important right now…" He caught Ritsuka and Mash's blank faces and sighed. "Sometimes you kids make me feel very old. Anyway, Trimmau's gone missing."
"Oh no!" said Mash. "How did that happen? Isn't she pretty much always with Miss Reines?"
Waver ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, usually, but every so often she needs to go in for maintenance – upgrades, calibration, that sort of thing. Reines is really good at that sort of fine manipulation, but once in a while having someone double-check your work is useful. And, wouldn't you know it, exactly at the moment she's not looking after her, Trimmau goes missing from the workshop she was in."
"Well, we'll find her," Ritsuka said. "There can't be all that many metal women, even in London, someone must have seen her. We'll start with that living statue weirdo in Piccadilly Circus, he always struck me as the type of pervert who wanted his partner to share his curse."
"I told you, he's not cursed, senpai…" Mash said, poking Ritsuka's shoulder.
"The man can stand still for five hours, Mash. You're not telling me that's natural."
"… regardless," Waver interrupted, as his phone buzzed again, "We actually have an idea of who might be responsible. There's a particular alchemist over in Individual Fundamentals specialising in immortality elixirs, who's been showing special interest in Trimmau lately. I thought Reines had warned him off, but I guess he's more stupid than I thought."
He fiddled with his phone, and there was a ping from Mash's pocket (and from the wall behind Ritsuka). "That's the last location Reines had for his Workshop. This is a request from her – call it payment for today's instruction, if you like."
"You didn't teach us anything, sir…" Mash muttered.
"For today's presence while you were practising Installs," corrected Waver. "Whichever you like. Anyway, go and sort this out, will you?"
"Can't Miss Reines do it herself?" complained Ritsuka. "Surely she's capable of something like this."
"I did tell her you were busy," said Waver, looking at his phone again. "But her reply was, ah yes… 'why keep a dog and bark yourself?' I didn't push the issue."
…bah. Put like that, there was nothing for it. They had promised.
Mash patted Ritsuka on the back. "Come on, senpai, cheer up! Weren't you saying you wanted to act more like a proper hero? And Trimmau's always been so polite to us. We can be champions of justice and friendship and all those other things the sticks talk about!"
"Woof," said Ritsuka despondently.
Many magi preferred the finer things in life. Ritsuka had sort of gotten used to it by now, but occasionally it struck him just how exceptional the Animusphere and El-Melloi families were compared to the normal, whenever he stopped to really take in the surroundings of the Director's office or Reines' favourite tea shop.
It wasn't even because they were particularly wealthy, either. True, there was a certain amount of generational wealth, but the Director's father had sunk all his funds into a worthless plot of land in Antarctica and Reines' family still had to squeeze Waver for all he was worth. (Granted, that may just have been for Reines' amusement more than anything else.) Still, the simple fact was that they were able to live in nice places, dress in nice clothes and own nice things even if they weren't, in fact, all that rich. Testament to the power of aristocracy, Ritsuka supposed.
Not all magi had access to this kind of automatic wealth, however. For many of the students at the Clock Tower, instead of grand ancient halls to serve as workshops they were forced to make do with basements beneath dingy pubs, or forgotten stations left behind by the Underground.
There were even rumours that some lived in the mythical Zone 6. But the ways of such barbarians were strange and frightening to Ritsuka, whose mental model of the UK stopped at the M25 with only Hic sunt dracones outside it.
A true Londoner, in other words.
Anyway, this particular alchemist was not quite so alien as that, although the Workshop was south of the river and therefore a small adventure to get to by itself from central London. Specifically, it was a cellar down one end of a dingy alley. Ritsuka and Mash picked their way through broken beer bottles and discarded kebab wrappers.
On the bright side, there were no witnesses to see Ritsuka and Mash transform, apart from a seagull perched on top of a bin. Ritsuka eyed it for a moment, in case it was some kind of familiar. It did have a disturbingly intelligent look in its eye, but then that described half of all London seagulls – the ones that had evolved to trick tourists into giving them their staple diet of soggy chips, as opposed to the subspecies that simply mugged a small child for them.
Eventually the seagull seemed to decide Ritsuka was too large to easily eat, and went back to eating some unidentifiable brown substance wrapped in grey paper. Another foe successfully seen off by the heroic Kaleido Garnet.
"We ready?" Ritsuka asked. He looked at the grubby stairs leading down to the cellar. "Also, are we sure this is the place? I really can't imagine magi settling for this."
"Oh yeah, this is totally it!" piped up Ruby. "There's a Bounded Field around the door."
"Oh!" said Mash. "Is it using runes described as graffiti? He must be hiding in plain sight. How devious!"
There was a snickering sound from the sticks. Ritsuka ignored it. If you went around worrying about every little thing the Kaleidosticks might or might not have planned you'd never get anything done.
"Any plans to get past it?" he said instead.
"Oh, easy," said Ruby. "The defences are potent enough but take time to build up, and that's not quick. They'll respond to a basic magical hit, just maybe stand back first?"
"Gotcha. Mash? Let's knock and see who's home."
Mash raised Sapphire, aimed down into the stairwell, and triggered a weak bolt. The instant it hit the steps, a thicket of shining mercury spikes exploded from all sides – from the moss-covered walls, from the trash-covered alley floor, from the stairs themselves. Anyone standing in front of the door, or even on the stairs, would have been skewered.
"Hmm," said Mash, inspecting them closely. "It really is quite similar to Trimmau. I can see why this alchemist might have wanted to take a look… or actually, 'another look' might be more correct."
"Yeah, no kidding," Ritsuka said. "Probably a good thing we're catching up to this guy before Reines does, really." Magi tended to not be especially forgiving when it came to their secrets being bastardised – although, knowing Reines, she might take even more offense at the shoddy effort. "They have kind of blocked the door, though."
"Eh, just inject a little magical energy into the spikes – it'll reset them and they'll return to just being mercury," Ruby said.
Mash did so, gingerly prodding the nearest spike with Sapphire. With a sploosh, the spikes collapsed into a growing puddle of liquid metal, running down the stairs to gather in a pool at the bottom.
Together, Ritsuka and Mash advanced.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yes, senpai! Let's save Trimmau from her kidnapper!"
"On three then…"
They burst into the cellar.
They stood at the top of another short flight of stone steps. Inside, it was… well, it was slightly better organised and cleaner than the alley had been, at least. Instead of the clutter of things tossed away because they were no longer in use, there was the clutter of things kept because they might someday be useful. There was any number of bizarrely-shaped glass equipment on a long table in the centre of the room, with strange concoctions bubbling away, and a mix of strange chemical smells. The walls were lined with shelves, also stuffed to bursting with strange equipment, flasks of mercury, and jars of things Ritsuka couldn't begin to guess the purpose of.
For one embarrassing moment, Ritsuka thought he and Mash had rudely barged in on a perfectly innocent and totally normal meth lab. Then they saw the two figures chasing one another around the centre table.
One was a young, frazzled-looking man, wearing a labcoat over a cheap suit. The attempt at blending posh wankery with practicality meant Ritsuka would have pegged him as a magus even had he not recognised the other figure – a maid of liquid metal. They hadn't interacted much with Reines' mercury maid, but even so she was a familiar sight.
The shotgun was new, though.
The alchemist noticed Ritsuka and Mash as they burst in, although to be fair they hadn't been subtle about it.
"What the hell have you two come as?"
"We're brave heroes come to save the day!" said Mash.
"Although if you're going to be rude about it I guess we could just not bother," added Ritsuka.
Trimmau, apparently deciding she didn't have to worry about Ritsuka and Mash, raised the shotgun at the alchemist and pumped the action.
"N-no, please help!" the alchemist cried. "It just went haywire on me!" Trimmau fired, prompting a manly shriek as he scuttled further round the table. The round was intercepted by a shield of mercury that flung itself from a flask from one of the benches, although the mercury was scattered beyond recovery.
Trimmau advanced, but was forced back by twin pink and blue beams. With magically-assisted hops, Ritsuka and Mash landed between Trimmau and the alchemist. Here it went, their first proper Magical Young Person entrance in this dimension! The sticks had given very strict instructions about what was to follow, or else they would sulk.
"Well, fine. We came here on a rescue mission…" started Mash.
"… and it looks like that's precisely what we've got," Ritsuka finished. "Kaleido Garnet!"
"Kaleido Amethyst!"
"Wherever there is sorrow within the infinite Kaleidoscope…"
"… we prismatic warriors will be there to restore cheer!"
"In the name of Fate, prepare yourself!" they finished together, striking a pose. The alchemist seemed too overawed to applaud, but Ritsuka was sure he wanted to.
Mash leaned forward conspiratorially. "Except don't worry, Trimmau, we're totally on your side."
Trimmau pumped the action on the shotgun once more, and fired. Mash conjured a circular blue energy shield in mid-air, and turned the shell aside – only for Trimmau to throw the spent shotgun to one side and lunge at Mash. A series of pummelling blunt energy blasts drove her back, but something was tickling the back of Ritsuka's brain. He was missing something.
He looked over his shoulder at the alchemist. "Don't think you're getting away scot free either, buddy."
"You… are here to rescue me, right?"
Ritsuka threw up his hands. "Well, we came here to rescue someone, and I guess you'll work. We are heroes, after all. Do you promise to come quietly if we do?"
"Yes, yes! I'll be in your debt, I'll do anything you ask, just don't let it kill me!"
"Well, fine…" Ritsuka started.
"… but there's a bit of a trust problem, you see," Mash said apologetically. "Only, you are kind of already a thief, and you are a magi as well... We would insist on a pinky promise, I'm afraid." This last was said with all the gravity it deserved, and Ritsuka nodded sagely.
"Yes, of course! On the name of Gogalbach ap Bogalbogwyn, last scion of the distinguished Bogalbogwyn line, I promise to repay my life debt!"
Yes, definitely a magus. No-one else gave such bizarre names to their kids, although with a last name like Bogalbogwyn there was probably no salvaging it to begin with. Maybe he was one of the tribe of bizarre hill creatures, with language unlike human speech, who lived in the mountains to the West. The Welsh, that was it.
Still, at least he wasn't an American. The UK was very bizarre in a lot of ways but at least god damn it.
Ritsuka had figured out what he'd been missing.
"Mr Bogalbogwyn…"
"Call me Gogalbach."
Ritsuka genuinely didn't know which was worse. "… Mr Bogalbogwyn, just how did you get your hands on a shotgun anyway?"
"Hm? Well, you know, a man doesn't want to reveal his sources… but I needed it for self defence! The El-Melloi have been jealous of my brilliance for some time now, and have been threatening me. So when the opportunity to arm myself came before me, I knew I had to take it!"
Putting aside the fact that apparently Trimmau had just been able to take it off him anyway, and putting aside that a shotgun wouldn't have done anything against a Mystic Code made of liquid metal to begin with, Ritsuka had a sinking feeling.
Apparently, long ago, Trimmau hadn't been Trimmau – she'd been just a Mystic Code. Reines and Waver had given her human form and some measure of intelligence, but somewhere along the way she'd acquired a persistent glitch where she would occasionally go berserk, insist she was a killer robot from the future, and start trying to kill everyone.
Waver blamed his student Flat Escardos, but Ritsuka wasn't sure how seriously to take that given that Waver seemed to blame Flat for everything up to and including burning his toast.
Anyway, there were a variety of triggers for Trimmau's odd behaviour, including 'Austrian accents from people over six feet' and 'people with the last name Connor', but one that rarely came up, the UK being the UK, was 'shotguns'.
"Let me guess," Ritsuka said, sighing. "She was remarkably easy to steal, right?"
Gogalbach blinked. "Well, for a magus of my genius, yes."
"Excellent!" came a voice from the doorway. "I'll take that as an admission of guilt, thank you." Reines stood there, suitcase in hand, grinning like the cat that not only got the cream but planted false evidence implicating the dog.
"Huh?" said Gogalbach.
Ritsuka put his hand to his head, because he could see where this was going. "I imagine you heard the bit about doing anything he asks to repay his life debt as well, Miss Reines?"
"I certainly did. Well, it'd be a little premature to collect on that now, I suppose."
Mash fended off a flurry of whip-like strikes from Trimmau. "Um, yes, about that…"
Reines started descending the stairs. "Not to worry. Just like this idiot's defences outside, injecting enough magical energy should let Trimmau reset – so long as I'm helping out, anyway."
"Right, Miss Reines," said Mash. "Only, um, I feel like Trimmau isn't going to stand there and let you do that…" And, indeed, Trimmau was hammering away at a hemispherical blue shield in front of Mash. With literal hammers for hands, naturally.
Reines seemed surprised at the question. "Well, what do you think I keep you two around for? Mash, your throughput is greater than mine, so I'll ask for your help with the magical energy. Ritsuka, you're on defence."
"Got it!"
Without hesitating, Ritsuka drew the Shielder Card and slapped it onto Ruby. "Include!" Ruby shifted into shield form, and Ritsuka hefted it. "Mash, switch out!"
"Right, senpai!"
With a trickle of Ruby's physical reinforcement to his legs, Ritsuka shot forward just as Mash stepped aside. He barrelled straight through her shield from the inside, shoving Trimmau back. Trimmau shot forward and dealt him a thunderous blow to the shield – but Ritsuka barely felt it.
Behind him, he heard Reines coaching Mash through shaping the exact reset spell required. Ritsuka braced himself. In these tight quarters, there was very little room for Trimmau to get round him – so long as he kept close to Mash and Reines, they'd be alright.
Trimmau apparently agreed. She backed off, a considering look on her face – and stepped on the puddle of scattered mercury that had blocked a shotgun shell. She froze, then her eyelids started flickering rapidly. Then she abandoned human form completely, mercury tendrils climbing the walls and workbenches like some horrid shiny plant.
It was all Ritsuka could do just to hold Ruby between him and Trimmau's tentacles, as he was pummelled by repeated strikes to the front of his shield, seeking to poke past him and strike his charges.
"Oh no…" said Gogalbach from behind them all.
"What?"
"It's accessed my Workshop defences! I haven't got any more control!"
Ritsuka's mind raced. He had a flashback of distant mercury throwing itself in front of Gogalbach. And, he realised, Trimmau had been attacking him only from the front, when she could have been a lot sneakier about attacking him from other angles. Almost as if…
He chanced a look behind him, and spotted the many, many spare flasks of mercury dotted around the workshop – an instant before they exploded, spears reaching for Mash and Reines.
He couldn't block it. If he tried, Trimmau would just skewer him herself and then Mash and Reines would die anyway. That wasn't acceptable.
He couldn't block it.
But maybe Shielder could.
Without hesitating, without even considering that it might not work, Ritsuka yelled, "Install!"
There was a sense of protectiveness in Ritsuka's head, and he pulled on it without knowing what he was doing.
The mercury spears bounced off a light purple forcefield around Mash and Reines.
Trimmau flailed even more wildly at Ritsuka, but it was the easiest thing in the world to turn her blows aside. For all that Ritsuka could feel the incredible strength at his disposal, he was actually using less of it than he had in his base Kaleido Garnet form, as he subtly angled the shield to deflect Trimmau's strikes at the perfect angle.
"Finished, senpai!" called Mash.
He stepped aside just as Mash shot a complicated tangle of blue energy into Trimmau – who let out a metallic sounding screech, reformed into her maid form, then stood perfectly still.
Reines patted Ritsuka on the shoulder on the way past, and began inspecting her Mystic Code. It was only when she did so that Ritsuka realised he was now wearing armour.
"Wow, senpai," said Mash, stars in her eyes. "You really used an Install in combat! We really are heroes now!"
"Quite right," Reines said, straightening up and turning round with an evil grin. "A little hairy there at the end, but I think we can call this a satisfying result all round. Mr Bogalbogwyn, I accept your life debt and offer of servitude. It's been a long day, so you can report to my brother over at Modern Magecraft tomorrow morning for your first assignment, but I can tell you now it'll be something along the lines of 'maintaining Trimmau for free, forever'."
"You…" snarled Gogalbach. "You witch, you set this up!"
"Whaaat, nooooo…." mocked Reines. "Why, I'm the victim here. Unless you're suggesting that I somehow knew that you'd get your hands on a very illegal shotgun, one of the very few things that'd ensure Trimmau went haywire. Those are very difficult to get, I'll have you know! You'd have to be very rich and well-connected to smuggle one into the country, much less to distribute it through lower-level dealers to any stupid magus who wants one. And it'd be ridiculous to suggest that I deliberately piled on the pressure right before dangling a weapon in front of you, that would take a horribly conniving mind."
She retrieved her suitcase from the top of the stairs, and Trimmau poured herself into it.
"Hey, Miss Reines," said Mash, with a thoughtful expression. "Aren't you very rich and well-connected?"
"Why, Mash," smirked Reines. "Now that you mention it, I believe I am."
"And don't you have a horribly-"
"That would be slander, Mr Fujimaru, and I would be forced to deny it." Erk.
Gogalbach sank to his knees in the ruin of his Workshop. "Why? Why me?"
"Well, because you're a horrid little oik who thought he could get away with stealing from the El-Melloi, why else?" said Reines. "Don't start playing the victim now. But, yes, I do have a use for you. There really aren't that many magi working with mercury, and a second opinion is always helpful. Only, you know, I don't really do collaboration with lowlifes like yourself, so I'd much rather you were my servant instead."
Reines turned a mischievous gaze onto Ritsuka and Mash. "And I couldn't have done it without you two, so thanks for that. I can see why my brother keeps Gray around, it's rather convenient having minions." With that, she practically skipped up the stairs and out of the cellar.
Mash looked at Ritsuka, face stricken. "We… we are heroes, right? We definitely didn't do a wrong thing here, right?"
Ritsuka searched for any words of comfort, and found none.
"Woof," he said instead.
Well, okay, that does sound quite a lot like the rest of Westminster actually. The magi get to throw fireballs, though, and that makes all the difference probably.
The point is, this is not the natural environment for a Magical Girl or Boy. Magical Young Person? That's awkward and clunky, and sounds like a euphemism that a pervert would come up with, but there really isn't much of a way around it. This is a limitation of English, actually, because at least on most of the continent you'd be able to just toss a plural in and have it understood that it would cover everyone.
On the other hand, I'll be in a cold grave before the French get a foothold in this most British of magical girl stories, so I suppose we'll have to deal with it. Where was I? Oh yes.
The Clock Tower is a terrible place full of terrible people, and heroes tend to not to especially well there or else not stay heroes for long.
Still, it should be good for a laugh, eh?
THE THRILLING ADVENTURES OF KALEIDO GARNET
Chapter 15 – In which heroism is probably achieved
Chapter 15 – In which heroism is probably achieved
Sparkly blue death approached, and Ritsuka stared it down unflinchingly. I am a fortress of strength, he told himself. While I stand, none behind me shall suffer harm.
"Install!"
Nothing happened, and Ritsuka sighed and swatted away the magical energy blast with Ruby – in shield form, as she had been throughout this stage of their training. The blue beam dissipated harmlessly against the wall of the underground training hall, casting bizarre shadows before fading.
From the sidelines, Waver slow-clapped without looking up, then returned to marking exams.
In front of him, Mash lowered Sapphire. "Any better, senpai?"
"Not really," he said. Ruby szhwooped back into stick form, and Ritsuka plucked the Shielder card from mid-air.
For their upcoming battle against the Berserker Card, Waver had suggested they change up their usual roles – if they were to make the most of the Rider Card's Noble Phantasm against the (male) Berserker Card, Mash would, statistically speaking, probably need to be the one using it. However, in the case that it didn't work for whatever reason, or if it took time to work on a Servant, there was no sense in giving up the Shielder Card's protection. So, for the first time, Ritsuka had gotten to practice defence – Ruby taking an almost perverse pleasure in having Sapphire's magical energy bolts bounce off her while she took the form of Lord Camelot.
And there would be no problem, if Ritsuka expected an Include to be enough. However, years of training as a child had taught him that underestimating Lu Bu was a great way to have half your health bar shaved off before you could say "Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge?" With that in mind, therefore, Ritsuka wanted to properly crack Installs before tackling the Flying General again.
It wasn't going well.
Ritsuka had managed to Install Shakespeare a few times since his initial success, and even hold it for about five minutes at a time, but it was nothing he'd trust in combat. He'd even managed, once, to Install the Assassin Card, although it had left him as soon as he tried singing with it and refused to work since.
When Mash tried, she'd managed to Install the Phantom first time, if only for a few minutes, and hadn't reported anything odd – although the Assassin Card did seem to vanish from Ritsuka's holder and make its way into Mash's suspiciously often. Waver was sure the Cards weren't conscious in any real sense, and that the Assassin Card's recalcitrance therefore reflected nothing more than Ritsuka's lack of skill. He was the magus between them, with an office and everything, so Ritsuka supposed he'd have to take his word for it, but he still couldn't shake the feeling that the Phantom had taken the huff with him and was now sulking.
The Archer and Shielder Cards had given neither of them anything so far. Ritsuka had even tried to force the feeling of protectiveness he was sure the Shielder Card would need, but while taping his phone to the wall and having Mash attack it had generated quite a lot of stress, it hadn't helped produce an Install.
He was stumped, he really was.
Still, even just getting more practice in with the shield wasn't nothing. "Okay," he said, "Let's go again. Mash, maybe if you pile on the pressure more – scatter shots, homing bolts, the works. Really try and…" he swallowed, "Really try and break my phone this time."
"Ah, actually," said Waver, looking at his phone, "We'll need to cut it off here. Sorry, but something's come up – and Reines is requesting you two. It's about Trimmau."
"Trimmau?" said Mash. "What is it?"
Waver cracked a smile. "Heh. It's my sister's mercury maid, but that's not important right now…" He caught Ritsuka and Mash's blank faces and sighed. "Sometimes you kids make me feel very old. Anyway, Trimmau's gone missing."
"Oh no!" said Mash. "How did that happen? Isn't she pretty much always with Miss Reines?"
Waver ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, usually, but every so often she needs to go in for maintenance – upgrades, calibration, that sort of thing. Reines is really good at that sort of fine manipulation, but once in a while having someone double-check your work is useful. And, wouldn't you know it, exactly at the moment she's not looking after her, Trimmau goes missing from the workshop she was in."
"Well, we'll find her," Ritsuka said. "There can't be all that many metal women, even in London, someone must have seen her. We'll start with that living statue weirdo in Piccadilly Circus, he always struck me as the type of pervert who wanted his partner to share his curse."
"I told you, he's not cursed, senpai…" Mash said, poking Ritsuka's shoulder.
"The man can stand still for five hours, Mash. You're not telling me that's natural."
"… regardless," Waver interrupted, as his phone buzzed again, "We actually have an idea of who might be responsible. There's a particular alchemist over in Individual Fundamentals specialising in immortality elixirs, who's been showing special interest in Trimmau lately. I thought Reines had warned him off, but I guess he's more stupid than I thought."
He fiddled with his phone, and there was a ping from Mash's pocket (and from the wall behind Ritsuka). "That's the last location Reines had for his Workshop. This is a request from her – call it payment for today's instruction, if you like."
"You didn't teach us anything, sir…" Mash muttered.
"For today's presence while you were practising Installs," corrected Waver. "Whichever you like. Anyway, go and sort this out, will you?"
"Can't Miss Reines do it herself?" complained Ritsuka. "Surely she's capable of something like this."
"I did tell her you were busy," said Waver, looking at his phone again. "But her reply was, ah yes… 'why keep a dog and bark yourself?' I didn't push the issue."
…bah. Put like that, there was nothing for it. They had promised.
Mash patted Ritsuka on the back. "Come on, senpai, cheer up! Weren't you saying you wanted to act more like a proper hero? And Trimmau's always been so polite to us. We can be champions of justice and friendship and all those other things the sticks talk about!"
"Woof," said Ritsuka despondently.
Many magi preferred the finer things in life. Ritsuka had sort of gotten used to it by now, but occasionally it struck him just how exceptional the Animusphere and El-Melloi families were compared to the normal, whenever he stopped to really take in the surroundings of the Director's office or Reines' favourite tea shop.
It wasn't even because they were particularly wealthy, either. True, there was a certain amount of generational wealth, but the Director's father had sunk all his funds into a worthless plot of land in Antarctica and Reines' family still had to squeeze Waver for all he was worth. (Granted, that may just have been for Reines' amusement more than anything else.) Still, the simple fact was that they were able to live in nice places, dress in nice clothes and own nice things even if they weren't, in fact, all that rich. Testament to the power of aristocracy, Ritsuka supposed.
Not all magi had access to this kind of automatic wealth, however. For many of the students at the Clock Tower, instead of grand ancient halls to serve as workshops they were forced to make do with basements beneath dingy pubs, or forgotten stations left behind by the Underground.
There were even rumours that some lived in the mythical Zone 6. But the ways of such barbarians were strange and frightening to Ritsuka, whose mental model of the UK stopped at the M25 with only Hic sunt dracones outside it.
A true Londoner, in other words.
Anyway, this particular alchemist was not quite so alien as that, although the Workshop was south of the river and therefore a small adventure to get to by itself from central London. Specifically, it was a cellar down one end of a dingy alley. Ritsuka and Mash picked their way through broken beer bottles and discarded kebab wrappers.
On the bright side, there were no witnesses to see Ritsuka and Mash transform, apart from a seagull perched on top of a bin. Ritsuka eyed it for a moment, in case it was some kind of familiar. It did have a disturbingly intelligent look in its eye, but then that described half of all London seagulls – the ones that had evolved to trick tourists into giving them their staple diet of soggy chips, as opposed to the subspecies that simply mugged a small child for them.
Eventually the seagull seemed to decide Ritsuka was too large to easily eat, and went back to eating some unidentifiable brown substance wrapped in grey paper. Another foe successfully seen off by the heroic Kaleido Garnet.
"We ready?" Ritsuka asked. He looked at the grubby stairs leading down to the cellar. "Also, are we sure this is the place? I really can't imagine magi settling for this."
"Oh yeah, this is totally it!" piped up Ruby. "There's a Bounded Field around the door."
"Oh!" said Mash. "Is it using runes described as graffiti? He must be hiding in plain sight. How devious!"
There was a snickering sound from the sticks. Ritsuka ignored it. If you went around worrying about every little thing the Kaleidosticks might or might not have planned you'd never get anything done.
"Any plans to get past it?" he said instead.
"Oh, easy," said Ruby. "The defences are potent enough but take time to build up, and that's not quick. They'll respond to a basic magical hit, just maybe stand back first?"
"Gotcha. Mash? Let's knock and see who's home."
Mash raised Sapphire, aimed down into the stairwell, and triggered a weak bolt. The instant it hit the steps, a thicket of shining mercury spikes exploded from all sides – from the moss-covered walls, from the trash-covered alley floor, from the stairs themselves. Anyone standing in front of the door, or even on the stairs, would have been skewered.
"Hmm," said Mash, inspecting them closely. "It really is quite similar to Trimmau. I can see why this alchemist might have wanted to take a look… or actually, 'another look' might be more correct."
"Yeah, no kidding," Ritsuka said. "Probably a good thing we're catching up to this guy before Reines does, really." Magi tended to not be especially forgiving when it came to their secrets being bastardised – although, knowing Reines, she might take even more offense at the shoddy effort. "They have kind of blocked the door, though."
"Eh, just inject a little magical energy into the spikes – it'll reset them and they'll return to just being mercury," Ruby said.
Mash did so, gingerly prodding the nearest spike with Sapphire. With a sploosh, the spikes collapsed into a growing puddle of liquid metal, running down the stairs to gather in a pool at the bottom.
Together, Ritsuka and Mash advanced.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yes, senpai! Let's save Trimmau from her kidnapper!"
"On three then…"
They burst into the cellar.
They stood at the top of another short flight of stone steps. Inside, it was… well, it was slightly better organised and cleaner than the alley had been, at least. Instead of the clutter of things tossed away because they were no longer in use, there was the clutter of things kept because they might someday be useful. There was any number of bizarrely-shaped glass equipment on a long table in the centre of the room, with strange concoctions bubbling away, and a mix of strange chemical smells. The walls were lined with shelves, also stuffed to bursting with strange equipment, flasks of mercury, and jars of things Ritsuka couldn't begin to guess the purpose of.
For one embarrassing moment, Ritsuka thought he and Mash had rudely barged in on a perfectly innocent and totally normal meth lab. Then they saw the two figures chasing one another around the centre table.
One was a young, frazzled-looking man, wearing a labcoat over a cheap suit. The attempt at blending posh wankery with practicality meant Ritsuka would have pegged him as a magus even had he not recognised the other figure – a maid of liquid metal. They hadn't interacted much with Reines' mercury maid, but even so she was a familiar sight.
The shotgun was new, though.
The alchemist noticed Ritsuka and Mash as they burst in, although to be fair they hadn't been subtle about it.
"What the hell have you two come as?"
"We're brave heroes come to save the day!" said Mash.
"Although if you're going to be rude about it I guess we could just not bother," added Ritsuka.
Trimmau, apparently deciding she didn't have to worry about Ritsuka and Mash, raised the shotgun at the alchemist and pumped the action.
"N-no, please help!" the alchemist cried. "It just went haywire on me!" Trimmau fired, prompting a manly shriek as he scuttled further round the table. The round was intercepted by a shield of mercury that flung itself from a flask from one of the benches, although the mercury was scattered beyond recovery.
Trimmau advanced, but was forced back by twin pink and blue beams. With magically-assisted hops, Ritsuka and Mash landed between Trimmau and the alchemist. Here it went, their first proper Magical Young Person entrance in this dimension! The sticks had given very strict instructions about what was to follow, or else they would sulk.
"Well, fine. We came here on a rescue mission…" started Mash.
"… and it looks like that's precisely what we've got," Ritsuka finished. "Kaleido Garnet!"
"Kaleido Amethyst!"
"Wherever there is sorrow within the infinite Kaleidoscope…"
"… we prismatic warriors will be there to restore cheer!"
"In the name of Fate, prepare yourself!" they finished together, striking a pose. The alchemist seemed too overawed to applaud, but Ritsuka was sure he wanted to.
Mash leaned forward conspiratorially. "Except don't worry, Trimmau, we're totally on your side."
Trimmau pumped the action on the shotgun once more, and fired. Mash conjured a circular blue energy shield in mid-air, and turned the shell aside – only for Trimmau to throw the spent shotgun to one side and lunge at Mash. A series of pummelling blunt energy blasts drove her back, but something was tickling the back of Ritsuka's brain. He was missing something.
He looked over his shoulder at the alchemist. "Don't think you're getting away scot free either, buddy."
"You… are here to rescue me, right?"
Ritsuka threw up his hands. "Well, we came here to rescue someone, and I guess you'll work. We are heroes, after all. Do you promise to come quietly if we do?"
"Yes, yes! I'll be in your debt, I'll do anything you ask, just don't let it kill me!"
"Well, fine…" Ritsuka started.
"… but there's a bit of a trust problem, you see," Mash said apologetically. "Only, you are kind of already a thief, and you are a magi as well... We would insist on a pinky promise, I'm afraid." This last was said with all the gravity it deserved, and Ritsuka nodded sagely.
"Yes, of course! On the name of Gogalbach ap Bogalbogwyn, last scion of the distinguished Bogalbogwyn line, I promise to repay my life debt!"
Yes, definitely a magus. No-one else gave such bizarre names to their kids, although with a last name like Bogalbogwyn there was probably no salvaging it to begin with. Maybe he was one of the tribe of bizarre hill creatures, with language unlike human speech, who lived in the mountains to the West. The Welsh, that was it.
Still, at least he wasn't an American. The UK was very bizarre in a lot of ways but at least god damn it.
Ritsuka had figured out what he'd been missing.
"Mr Bogalbogwyn…"
"Call me Gogalbach."
Ritsuka genuinely didn't know which was worse. "… Mr Bogalbogwyn, just how did you get your hands on a shotgun anyway?"
"Hm? Well, you know, a man doesn't want to reveal his sources… but I needed it for self defence! The El-Melloi have been jealous of my brilliance for some time now, and have been threatening me. So when the opportunity to arm myself came before me, I knew I had to take it!"
Putting aside the fact that apparently Trimmau had just been able to take it off him anyway, and putting aside that a shotgun wouldn't have done anything against a Mystic Code made of liquid metal to begin with, Ritsuka had a sinking feeling.
Apparently, long ago, Trimmau hadn't been Trimmau – she'd been just a Mystic Code. Reines and Waver had given her human form and some measure of intelligence, but somewhere along the way she'd acquired a persistent glitch where she would occasionally go berserk, insist she was a killer robot from the future, and start trying to kill everyone.
Waver blamed his student Flat Escardos, but Ritsuka wasn't sure how seriously to take that given that Waver seemed to blame Flat for everything up to and including burning his toast.
Anyway, there were a variety of triggers for Trimmau's odd behaviour, including 'Austrian accents from people over six feet' and 'people with the last name Connor', but one that rarely came up, the UK being the UK, was 'shotguns'.
"Let me guess," Ritsuka said, sighing. "She was remarkably easy to steal, right?"
Gogalbach blinked. "Well, for a magus of my genius, yes."
"Excellent!" came a voice from the doorway. "I'll take that as an admission of guilt, thank you." Reines stood there, suitcase in hand, grinning like the cat that not only got the cream but planted false evidence implicating the dog.
"Huh?" said Gogalbach.
Ritsuka put his hand to his head, because he could see where this was going. "I imagine you heard the bit about doing anything he asks to repay his life debt as well, Miss Reines?"
"I certainly did. Well, it'd be a little premature to collect on that now, I suppose."
Mash fended off a flurry of whip-like strikes from Trimmau. "Um, yes, about that…"
Reines started descending the stairs. "Not to worry. Just like this idiot's defences outside, injecting enough magical energy should let Trimmau reset – so long as I'm helping out, anyway."
"Right, Miss Reines," said Mash. "Only, um, I feel like Trimmau isn't going to stand there and let you do that…" And, indeed, Trimmau was hammering away at a hemispherical blue shield in front of Mash. With literal hammers for hands, naturally.
Reines seemed surprised at the question. "Well, what do you think I keep you two around for? Mash, your throughput is greater than mine, so I'll ask for your help with the magical energy. Ritsuka, you're on defence."
"Got it!"
Without hesitating, Ritsuka drew the Shielder Card and slapped it onto Ruby. "Include!" Ruby shifted into shield form, and Ritsuka hefted it. "Mash, switch out!"
"Right, senpai!"
With a trickle of Ruby's physical reinforcement to his legs, Ritsuka shot forward just as Mash stepped aside. He barrelled straight through her shield from the inside, shoving Trimmau back. Trimmau shot forward and dealt him a thunderous blow to the shield – but Ritsuka barely felt it.
Behind him, he heard Reines coaching Mash through shaping the exact reset spell required. Ritsuka braced himself. In these tight quarters, there was very little room for Trimmau to get round him – so long as he kept close to Mash and Reines, they'd be alright.
Trimmau apparently agreed. She backed off, a considering look on her face – and stepped on the puddle of scattered mercury that had blocked a shotgun shell. She froze, then her eyelids started flickering rapidly. Then she abandoned human form completely, mercury tendrils climbing the walls and workbenches like some horrid shiny plant.
It was all Ritsuka could do just to hold Ruby between him and Trimmau's tentacles, as he was pummelled by repeated strikes to the front of his shield, seeking to poke past him and strike his charges.
"Oh no…" said Gogalbach from behind them all.
"What?"
"It's accessed my Workshop defences! I haven't got any more control!"
Ritsuka's mind raced. He had a flashback of distant mercury throwing itself in front of Gogalbach. And, he realised, Trimmau had been attacking him only from the front, when she could have been a lot sneakier about attacking him from other angles. Almost as if…
He chanced a look behind him, and spotted the many, many spare flasks of mercury dotted around the workshop – an instant before they exploded, spears reaching for Mash and Reines.
He couldn't block it. If he tried, Trimmau would just skewer him herself and then Mash and Reines would die anyway. That wasn't acceptable.
He couldn't block it.
But maybe Shielder could.
Without hesitating, without even considering that it might not work, Ritsuka yelled, "Install!"
There was a sense of protectiveness in Ritsuka's head, and he pulled on it without knowing what he was doing.
The mercury spears bounced off a light purple forcefield around Mash and Reines.
Trimmau flailed even more wildly at Ritsuka, but it was the easiest thing in the world to turn her blows aside. For all that Ritsuka could feel the incredible strength at his disposal, he was actually using less of it than he had in his base Kaleido Garnet form, as he subtly angled the shield to deflect Trimmau's strikes at the perfect angle.
"Finished, senpai!" called Mash.
He stepped aside just as Mash shot a complicated tangle of blue energy into Trimmau – who let out a metallic sounding screech, reformed into her maid form, then stood perfectly still.
Reines patted Ritsuka on the shoulder on the way past, and began inspecting her Mystic Code. It was only when she did so that Ritsuka realised he was now wearing armour.
"Wow, senpai," said Mash, stars in her eyes. "You really used an Install in combat! We really are heroes now!"
"Quite right," Reines said, straightening up and turning round with an evil grin. "A little hairy there at the end, but I think we can call this a satisfying result all round. Mr Bogalbogwyn, I accept your life debt and offer of servitude. It's been a long day, so you can report to my brother over at Modern Magecraft tomorrow morning for your first assignment, but I can tell you now it'll be something along the lines of 'maintaining Trimmau for free, forever'."
"You…" snarled Gogalbach. "You witch, you set this up!"
"Whaaat, nooooo…." mocked Reines. "Why, I'm the victim here. Unless you're suggesting that I somehow knew that you'd get your hands on a very illegal shotgun, one of the very few things that'd ensure Trimmau went haywire. Those are very difficult to get, I'll have you know! You'd have to be very rich and well-connected to smuggle one into the country, much less to distribute it through lower-level dealers to any stupid magus who wants one. And it'd be ridiculous to suggest that I deliberately piled on the pressure right before dangling a weapon in front of you, that would take a horribly conniving mind."
She retrieved her suitcase from the top of the stairs, and Trimmau poured herself into it.
"Hey, Miss Reines," said Mash, with a thoughtful expression. "Aren't you very rich and well-connected?"
"Why, Mash," smirked Reines. "Now that you mention it, I believe I am."
"And don't you have a horribly-"
"That would be slander, Mr Fujimaru, and I would be forced to deny it." Erk.
Gogalbach sank to his knees in the ruin of his Workshop. "Why? Why me?"
"Well, because you're a horrid little oik who thought he could get away with stealing from the El-Melloi, why else?" said Reines. "Don't start playing the victim now. But, yes, I do have a use for you. There really aren't that many magi working with mercury, and a second opinion is always helpful. Only, you know, I don't really do collaboration with lowlifes like yourself, so I'd much rather you were my servant instead."
Reines turned a mischievous gaze onto Ritsuka and Mash. "And I couldn't have done it without you two, so thanks for that. I can see why my brother keeps Gray around, it's rather convenient having minions." With that, she practically skipped up the stairs and out of the cellar.
Mash looked at Ritsuka, face stricken. "We… we are heroes, right? We definitely didn't do a wrong thing here, right?"
Ritsuka searched for any words of comfort, and found none.
"Woof," he said instead.
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Mizu
Software Developer
- Location
- Victoria, Australia
You need to pump shotguns twice before firing? Honest query, I don't know guns.
Reines manipulated them all quite effectively, it seems. At least Ritsuka got a working Install of Shielder out of the events?
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- Location
- SomeWhereElse
While this world is better off then fgo proper (what with everyone not being dead and all) I do kind of have to admit that basically nothing of value was lost when the clocktower was wiped off the face of the earth. Twice.
- Location
- Probably at sea
Whoops, nope, that was an artefact from an earlier version of events. Fixed, thanks!
I am so glad this updated today.
Because it meant that I discovered it, and thus was able to binge it, which has done wonders for my lung capacity as they have been given a thorough workout via unintentional expulsions of air.
I hadn't realised just how much I had been missing Terry Pratchett until now, reading something so similar in tone.
Because it meant that I discovered it, and thus was able to binge it, which has done wonders for my lung capacity as they have been given a thorough workout via unintentional expulsions of air.
I hadn't realised just how much I had been missing Terry Pratchett until now, reading something so similar in tone.
Mattman324
you expected some anime, non-IRL giant robot, eh?
- Location
- Working in the basement on my giant robot.
Flat, up at night in Waver's kitchen area fucking with his toaster: "This will keep the Great Big Ben London☆Star on his toes, aren't I the best student?"