Part 1: The Less
The day begins as every day begins… consciousness tearing from the fabric of dreamworld and grafting to the great quilt of waking world.
I scream.
I always scream, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours, once for a whole week. They'd nearly declared me Beastialix that time. It was then that I was forbidden to lucid dream of glorious battles and of the God Emperor. They may as well have forbidden me to breathe.
I watch in solemn dissociation as my hands move, tearing at the metal slab that is called bed, the smaller, raised metal slab that is called chair, and the metal bowl which is called water basin. Chair, Bed, Basin… cage…
I scream still, but inside I chide myself. It is not called cage; it is called living accommodations. It is made of bars of metal that refuse to bend and shatter my finger bones when I strike them and bruise my forehead when I slam it against them. I don't do that anymore. I remind myself of this as every ounce of my strength causes the bars to groan against the force of my arms.
Sister Karis arrives in slow, calm steps. Her voice is soft like a song. A song I don't remember the words to. She's speaking quietly. I can't hear her yet. I haven't stopped screaming. She has kind eyes. I stare into them. I feel the more returning. The pain of muscles straining to move bolted bed and bolted chair and bolted basin and bolted bars of my- of my living accommodations screams back at me.
I ignore it.
I'm done screaming for now.
Now I am crying.
The tears fall and so do I, down to the cold permacrete of the floor. Less, the less is worse than the pain. There was more. I know there is more. I know it will return, the more… some of the more of-
"Sister Frenzara?"
"Yes" yes there was more of her, more of Sister Frenzara. I am Sister Frenzara, I am the more. No. I was. Now I am the less…
Soft hands hold me as I cry. My blood is cooling. I can feel more than pain now. Soft, soft hands like… like blankets of silk.
One eye opens and I stare at the empty slab of metal called bed. It hurts to look. Looking makes the crying worse. It's missing something, something important-
"Blankets," I croak through dry lips and raw throat.
"Shhhh, are you cold?" Her words are soft, like music, like a song; like a song but I can't remember the words. "Would you like to get dressed?"
Now I feel her body, against mine, curled around me like a- like a blanket. Soft. Silk robes. Warm. Not shaking. Not screaming. And not Him.
"Would you like to get dressed, Sister Frenzara?"
I remain silent, eyes closed. I try to stay. I fight the less. I fight the urge to leave. I want to go to the one called Emperor. I want to return to the place called battlefield.
I want to go back to sleep.
Sleep.
Sleep where I am the more, where I am Sister Frenzara again.
I'm shaking. The tears are hot on my cheeks. The more is coming back, and with the more is knowledge of the less. There is so much of the less. The less grows every day. Soon I will be the nothing. I choke as I cry and I say something. I say words, words of the more, choked and broken but still of the more, words of Sister Frenzara.
"This litany I repeat, in the depths of my turmoil,
A beacon in the darkness, a lifeline to my fading humanity.
Emperor, hold me in Your grace, save me from the nothing,
And preserve the Sister I strive to remain."
She holds me close, lovingly, warmly, kindly, until I stopped shaking. The feeling that is called sadness leaves along with memory of what the words are for. What are the words for?
"No." I growled, unable to suppress it before it came out.
Sister Karis does not love me. She is not kind. Sister Karis is not called friend. Sister Karis is called Minder. Sister Karis does not hug; Sister Karis checks for the shivers. Sister Karis does not embrace; Sister Karis measures heartrate. Sister Karis is not called friend. Sister Karis is called minder. Minder of death. Re-minder of—
"No!" lips move but the more prevents other words from finding my voice. I am called death! I am death! I am… shivering.
I swallow, my eyes open again. Sister Karis does not ask friendly questions. Sister Karis reports what I say to mother.
"Y-yes…" a word. A word I used to use. A good word. A more word. A word Sister Frenzara uses when she is feeling the more, when she is better… When I am better. I remind myself of the word. "… please."
I stand. She helps. The door of the cage is open.
It is a cage. It is not called cage. It is called living accommodations. It has a lock. It has metal poles called bars. It was metal slab called bed. It has raised metal called chair. It has metal bowl called basin. It keeps me inside. It is a cage.
I know this to be true. I know they wish me to think otherwise. I am feeling the more now. The dream is fading. Tears sting my cheeks but this time I wipe them away. That is what the more do, they wipe away their tears. No. The more do not cry. Yes. The more do cry, but not in public, and not because of dreams and blankets and… the less.
"What would you like to wear?"
I blink, the food halfway to my mouth. My hand is hot. The food is hot. The food…? I've lost time again. I drop the food and pick up the metal stick called fork. I stab the food. The food goes in my mouth. Sister Karis is looking at me, expectantly. Expectation. Always expectation. All eyes look at me with expectation, even the ones in the mirror.
They all look for the nothing.
They all see the less.
Tears.
"What would you like to wear, Sister Frenzara?"
"Carnix!" The word is out of my mouth. I failed to catch it. Now it's loose.
Sister Karis is displeased. Her face does not change. Her smile is the same shape. Not a single muscle moves. But I see. I see a lot. I see it in her eyes. I see it in their eyes. The less is growing. The more is fading. I see very very well. I am not stupid. They think I am the less. I am not the less. I am Sister Frenzara. I see Sister Karis' eyes judging me, judging the less. I am not the less.
The food is gone. Teeth hurt. I take the metal stick called fork out of my mouth. The Less has been chewing on it. The plate is gone. Sister Karis is gone. I've lost time again…
Sister Karis is gone!
I'm on my feet. The raised wood also called chair is falling over. I catch it. It is… a word that means weak and small and little and fading and broken and me and the less and…
"No! I am not the Less! I am not fragile!" I'm sliding the chair back where it belongs, under the higher, larger wood called table.
No one hears me.
No one is… here?
Sister Karis is gone!
The door opens and Sister Karis is not gone anymore. The more, the more is almost in reach. It shines. It shines like Him. It is warm. Inside me is warm. The room is warm. It is happy. I am happy. I am the more.
"I've brought Carnix, as you requested, Sister Frenzara." Her hands hold the great eviscerator. Her hands. Her hands her hands herhandsherhands!
"Defiler!"
Sister Karis is on the floor. I am on top. She touched Him. No. She touched him. Yes. She isn't supposed to touch him. Only I get to feel His touch! No. Only I get to feel his touch.
Sister Karis' hand is red, arm is red, red runs down to her neck. Neck. Pain. Pain in my neck. A blade. A blade in my neck. A blade in Sister Karis' hand in my neck. I let go. Sister Karis is not kind. Sister Karis is not called friend. The blade is gone. I pick her up. Sister Karis does nothing on accident. I place her in the cage. It is not called a cage. It is a cage. I shut the cage door.
I go to Him, on my knees. No. I go to him on my knees. I pick him up, the more. The more. The anger and the more. No. The anger and the less. Carnix is angry today. No. Carnix is always angry. No. Carnix is more angry today than- than the day that came before today.
"Defiler!" I shout at Sister Karis. Carnix slams into the cage which is not called cage. I feel pain. I am wrong. I should not be doing this. Carnix does not want to eat the cage which is not called cage but is cage. Carnix wants blood and meat and warm and wet and…
I'm panting. I'm becoming the less.
No.
"I will be the more. I am Sister Frenzara." I am. I am speaking it out loud again, that is something the less does.
Sister Karis is out of the cage which is not called the cage.
"I see that you're upset," Sister Karis is beside me. Her hand is soft. Her hand is warm. The bandage pulls on the skin of my neck. Her hand has a knife in it! No. No knife. But her hand is not called the hand of a friend. Her hand is called death. No I am— I've lost time again…
"Can you tell me why you're upset, Sister Frenzara?"
"You. Touched. Him!" I glare at her. She smiles. She always smiles. Her smile is not called a smile. Her smile is called- It is called a mask. Her eyes do not smile. Her eyes are judging me. No. Her eyes are… sad. So sad. Why so sad? Why- Tears.
"You are upset because I removed Carnix's ritual shroud and placed my bare skin on his form, handle, shaft, blades, and body." It is a statement. It is not a question.
"Yes." I feel the blood. The hot. The less. I am the more.
"Sister Frenzara?"
"Yes!"
"Sister Frenzara?"
"YES!?"
"Sister Frenzara?"
Breathing hard. The less. Always the less, hunting, strutting, lurking, flanking, biting. I am the more. I am the more. I am the more. "I am the more, I am the more, Iamthemore."
"Sister Frenzara?"
"Yes. Sister. Karis?" I am the more. I pause. The more. More. More words. "What. Do. You Want?"
"Do you remember where we went last week, seven days ago? Do you remember the ceremony? Do you remember what you did, what we did, with Carnix?"
"No!"
It is a lie. But it is a lie from the more, not from the less.
I remember.
Tears.
If I say I remember… Sister Karis will take Carnix away from me. If I say I remember… I will become the nothing.
I look away. My eyes travel the room outside the cage.
Two raised wooden platforms called chairs. One higher wooden platform called table.
One metal slab called bed inside the cage. One metal slab called bed outside the cage, bigger.
Co-habitation.
The word. A word from the more, a word from so much more. The less is suddenly bigger. The less is in the second chair. The less is in the second bed.
The second chair. The second bed, bigger, like two metal slabs called bed. Two. For two. The bars, welded to ceiling and floor. The room, home. Kitchen. Bed.
Co-habitation. Flesh bond.
Tears. Shaking.
I hand Carnix back to Sister Karis because… because he doesn't belong to me anymore.
Tears.
"Y-yes…" I sob, I am the more, but I know the less, and I feel the nothing. "I. Remember."
"I'm glad that you remember, Sister Frenzara."
"S-sarah?"
The smile falters like a titan borne down by the firestorm of a Gargant. But the void shields are not overcome, and the smile snaps back into place with the crack of ionizing air. I am the more. I am the more… she is more. More. More to me.
"I think-" she falters. Her voice breaks. The tiniest of fluctuation in the titan's powerplant and the voids fizzle. For just a moment her naked armor is exposed. Then the shield is back in less than the blink of an eye. "I think it would be easier for us both if you called me Sister Karis."
Pain. Tears. Worse. Worse than waking.
I am the more.
I wish I was the less.
No. Yes. Yes I do.
"Sister. Karis?"
Pain. In her eyes. So much. So much that I can't look at them.
Suddenly I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be in this place called home. I don't want to see the bed called shared. I don't want to see purity seals and holy wax written in twin hands, signed in shared blood. I don't want to remember the more.
"Can. We. Go?"
"Yes, Sister Frenzara. Would you like to go to the gardens?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to bring Carnix with you?"
"Yes!"
"Would you like to get dressed?"
My thoughts lose focus. The garden. The flowers. The holy words writ on soft, smooth stones. Fade.
I turn and the feeling called sadness is replaced by another. I don't remember what this one is called. This one does not come around very often anymore. This one is of the more. This one is being eaten by the nothing.
This one is… hope?
I take a step forward. I move towards the door. The feeling swells. It's warm, it's the more. The door leads to the place called personal armory. The door leads to getting dressed.
"No, Sister Frenzara." The hand is not soft. The hand is firm. The hand restrains. The hand angers me. I feel the hand trembling, subdermal, shivering, imperceptibly, against my arm. I stop. Sarah moves to the small wooden stand called dresser. Sarah pulls out a black robe. I step back.
"No."
"Would you like to get dressed, Sister Frenzara?"
"No!"
"Ok," the wooden stand closes. The robe is gone. I feel the hand again. The hand is soft. The hand is steady. Sarah's hand. Tears.
"Shall we take a walk in the garden, Sister Frenzara?"
"Yes. Please?"