The record crackles to life.
"Alright, so this is my first, er, entry, I guess. Day is… aw hell, what day is it… doesn't matter. Town was saved yesterday, that's the important part. XCOM showed up and whooped Advent something fierce. Whoo wee, might as well be New Year's-fuckin'-Day!"
A clapping noise is briefly heard, followed by the sound of the man clearing his throat.
"So yeah, anyways, this is day one of weapon testing. Got my, uh, wall of pain–yeah that's a good name–right here… which I just realized y'all can't see, 'cause this is a recordin'. Uh, right, well, it's big. Must be, er–one, two… 'bout 27, 28 weapons on it. Swords, knives, clubs, axes, you get the point. Wife thought I was crazy to get so many: "Ain't nobody usin' swords no more, Pete," she tells me. Well, I saw one of them XCOM fellas cut a trooper's head clean off with one of these, so who's crazy now, huh? Besides, they were all legal anyways… I think. So anyways, I've gotta piece of that weird armor those red Advent fellas wear…"
There's a loud clang of something striking metal.
…and I'm fixin' to see which of these things'll actually break it. I gotta know what I'm workin' with before I do anythin' real crazy with them. So first things first. Got my ol' machete right here, and I'm gonna hit this thing as hard as I can. Alright, here we go."
The audio is temporarily drowned out by a loud ringing noise. The sound repeats itself several times before stopping.
"Well Jesus H. Christ, that didn't do shit to it! Alright then, time to get a little bigger, then. Next up is… hmm… oh! I've got one of them wood axes sitting on my shelf, wonder if that one'll work."
There's a brief clattering sound, followed a few seconds later by a grunt, two dull dings, and then the sound of ripping metal.
"Alrighty. First two chops barely made a dent, but that last one actually got through, so it looks like axes work. Now it's time for…hurr…hurrrr! Huh, right, so, tiny problem. I think the axes is… hurr… stuck in the ar–whoa!"
A dull thud.
"Nevermind. Uh, okay. So the axe cut, but got stuck. Gotta work on that. Er, what next. Let's see… aha!"
More clattering.
"Got this sword a couple years back. She's ugly as sin, but sharp as hell. I'm sure she can handle this shit. Alright, first off, I'm gonna try and stab through the plate. Ha!"
A scratching sound is recorded.
"Huh, it definitely did somethin', but it's hard to tell what the actual damage is. Well, I reckon there's only one thing left to do with the one. Gonna take a couple cuts at the rest of the armor and see what happens."
The recording is mostly quiet for a few seconds, and is then followed up by a shattering sound, and screaming.
"AW FUCK, AW HELL. God damnit! Didn't even make a dent, just broke into bits! Note to self, don't go buying a sword that someone's asking 50 bucks for."
A child's voice can be heard from above.
"What is it, sweetheart? Don't come down here, it's dangerous."
The same voice responds.
"Alright, alright. Tell you what, you go pick out a story, and I'll come on up in a minute, alright."
Another sound, followed by a loud stomping noise.
"Well so much for that. I'll try the other ones in the mornin'. Urgh… oh right… uh, signin' off."
The recording ends.