3.2
- Pronouns
- She/Her
3.2
CW: depiction of an anxiety attack
Last night's patrol ended up going longer than we had intended.
Mouse Protector and I had followed some gang members back through their supply chain, leading us right to the building they were distributing from. The fight had been a chaotic mess but we'd managed to arrest over twenty people, while also shutting down a major supply of drugs to the surrounding area.
I was glad to be patrolling with her again, especially outside of the high stress week of dealing with bombs. I was also proud of what I'd accomplished that night. I wasn't proud the next morning after having to peel myself out of bed with sore muscles.
Habits are made by doing something over and over and over again. Dragging myself to school after a long night of patrolling took all the effort in the universe, but it was important to keep doing it until it was second nature. Even with my protesting muscles, I couldn't give up.
Getting to see Mel again helped motivate me a little.
I'd told Mouse Protector about my time spent with Mel. According to her, the hand-holding might mean she's interested in me romantically. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.
Sharing details of my personal life with Mouse Protector could have been considered a breach of my secret identity. I trusted her, though. We'd been through a lot together in such a short timeframe. A friendship born through the blood of others.
School did little to distract the itching I had to get back out on patrol, to be back out there with Mouse Protector like last night. Unfortunately, there were no patrols scheduled for the next few days.
At least I could still go to my lab to tinker, even if school stopped me from using the ideas currently swirling in my head. Rule number 3: No tinkering at school.
School was for learning, and I also needed to apologise to Taffy and Abi. Both of the girls were present, though neither looked at me as I entered our classroom. Taffy was her usual spaced out self and Abi deliberately looked away when she noticed me walk in.
I stopped by Taffy first.
"Hey, Taffy."
She blinked at me. "Hello," she said, sounding half-asleep.
I knew she could talk from overhearing her talk with Mrs. Wilkins, but it still caught me off guard when she did.
"I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have hit her and I'm sorry if I scared you."
Taffy shook her head, causing her glossy hair to shimmer in the light. "I don't like violence, I prefer talking. Isabelle and Annie never listened to me, though. She didn't bully me today. Thank you." Taffy gave me a gentle smile.
"I'm glad she stopped. Still, that doesn't mean I should have done it. Did you never tell the teachers about the bullying?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I didn't know it was an option."
On the wall in front of us was a large anti-bullying poster. "What about that poster?"
"What poster?" Taffy looked to where I was pointing. "Oh, I never noticed."
No one even knew she was being bullied. How did no one say anything? Even if she didn't know you could tell people, why didn't Abi tell someone?
"Well, sorry again. Let me know if she starts bullying you again. I won't hit her, I'll tell someone."
Taffy nodded before returning to her daydreams.
Abi had her head turned to pretend to stare out the window, but her reflection showed she was looking at me. As I approached she flicked her gaze to the grass outside.
"Go away," she said before I could speak.
"I wanted to apologise."
"Wait, really?" Abi whipped her head around to look at me. It caught me off-guard and made me jump a little.
"Yeah. What I did was wrong, I shouldn't have hit her."
"Oh… this isn't what I expected." She furrowed her brow. "I thought you'd be all, 'I'm not sorry I punched her, she deserved it, stop being annoyed at me, Abi.'" She had made her voice gravelly like an action movie star..
"That's not what I sound like. I am sorry, though, for scaring you. I just wanted to help but it was the wrong way to do it. I promise not to hit anyone unless they're trying to hit me."
Abi hummed for about three seconds with a sceptical look on her face. "Good enough!" I shook her offered hand. "Consider us golden, Meadow. Ooh, a golden meadow sounds fun. Wonder how much money that'd be."
"Probably a lot, gold is expensive."
"We could be millionaires! Think of all the candy we could buy! What would you buy?"
"Uh... I don't know."
"C'mon, there's gotta be something! A boat? A house? A tiger?!"
"Maybe a sword?" Like Mouse Protector, though not for use. The PRT would never approve of me using a sword. Getting them to approve Dede's spearhead took me promising to only ever use it against the environment or Brutes who could stand it.
"A sword? Are you into swords?"
"I like medieval stuff. Knights, dragons, monsters, and weapons."
"You're a fantasy nerd! I did not see that coming. I had you all wrong, Meadow. Thought you were a fitness jock who liked punching people, like Mel."
"I don't like punching people."
"I know that now, but you gotta admit that you certainly came off that way. You barely paid attention in class until Mel came over, then you punched someone when we were going to lunch!" Abi moved her hands around a lot when she spoke, even miming a punch as she said the word.
"She was just trying to help me with my schoolwork. We only really spoke about makeup and English."
"Makeup? Oh, was that why it smelt like nail polish?"
I nodded.
"Interesting." Abi stroked her chin. "Real interesting…"
"Um… okay. Sorry again, about yesterday."
I turned away to sit in my chair. It was right next to her, so it wasn't like I was going far. Abi kept stroking her chin as she turned to stare out the window. I forgot to ask her about talking to a grown-up about the bullying.
Mel entered the classroom with a deep scowl on her face. Her expression swapped instantly to a smile the moment she laid eyes on me. My heart fluttered a little as our eyes met.
She pulled the desk to my right closer to my own before sitting down.
"Hey," she said as she retrieved her school things from her backpack.
Abi slammed her hands onto my desk. Both of us jumped at her sudden arrival.
"Hey! Did you know Meadow likes fantasy stuff? And did you do her makeup yesterday?"
"Jesus fuck, Abi! Don't do that."
Abi just continued to smile at us.
"No, I didn't know. Yes, I did paint her nails," Mel said after catching her breath.
"Learn something new everyday, huh?" Abi leant closer in, shoving aside my pencils as she shifted her hands. "Every. Single. Day."
"Why're you being so weird?" Mel asked.
"Do you two wanna join my Raccoon Knight fanclub?"
My stomach dropped. Did she know?
"Who's Raccoon Knight?" Mel asked. She'd never heard of me? It was for the best, but my ego took a small hit.
"Only the bestest, greatest, amazingest hero in existence! We've got fifteen members now! Still only two people are coming to the in person fanclub, though. Well, three if you count me. You two could make it five!" Abi rambled on.
The tension in my muscles released as I realised she didn't know it was me. This was all just a weird coincidence, right?
"Why would I join a fanclub of someone I've never heard of?"
"Because she's awesome? We've had so many new sightings recently. Raccoon Knight has played a vital role in rescuing people from the recent bombings! There's so much new footage!"
"Good for you. I'm not interested in joining."
"Aw, c'mon… It'll be fun, I promise. Maybe I need to sell you on RK? That's what we call her back at the club, short for Raccoon Knight."
"I got it."
"Cool! Anyway, just this week we've had recordings of her pulling people out of burning buildings,"
Suffocating smoke fills my lungs even through the filter. A family's home, gone, burnt too fast for us to respond. Charred corpses burned from the inside out to cause chaos to feed the ego of a mad bomber.
"Fighting the ABB,"
I wince as the gunshot goes off right next to me. Even through my hearing protection it's still so loud. Wards aren't supposed to be around guns. A time of crisis made us push ourselves beyond our limits.
"Rescuing people in the mall,"
Triumph takes one look in the store before turning back to stop me from seeing. He tells me I'm better off not going in, pushing me away. I can still hear the wailing coming from inside as I leave.
"Dealing with a robbery,"
Brains splattered against the cigarette packets just to steal less than fifty dollars from the cash register. A scene I wasn't supposed to see. We kept getting caught off-guard, we were spread so thin. The cashier had called it in–we thought he'd be fine–but they must have come back.
"Pulling someone from the rubble of a building,"
A child cried out, a muffled sound from beneath the rubble. A PRT thinker guided me through the delicate process of using Aiai to remove the rubble without crushing the girl. Tense minutes pass as her cries begin to fade from exhaustion or blood loss, we weren't sure which.
"And just all around being awesome!" Abi finishes.
My heart beat reaches my ear, fading sounds with its thumping. Lungs atrophied, unable to breathe from the sickening smoke. I gasp for air, unable to even get a little. The world blurs around me. Oxygen fails to reach my lungs.
A muffled conversation continues in the background as I begin to die.
This is it. Dying on my fourth day of school. Good work, Meadow.
A delicate hand rubs my back.
"Meadow, dear, you're having an anxiety attack, okay?" A voice cuts through the fog, Mrs. Wilkins. "I need you to do a few things for me. First, focus on your breathing. Deep breath in, deep breath out."
I try to follow her instructions but I can't breathe at all. I shake my head.
"It's alright, you're okay. Just keep trying. Next, list the things you can hear."
I can hear… my heartbeat pounding in my ears. The endless explosions and sirens ringing in the distance. The wailing of people unseen.
Breathe in.
I can hear… Mel, saying my name. Her hand is clasped over my own. I can hear the birds outside. I can hear the rustling of paper and the scrape of chairs.
Breathe out.
"Good, you're doing great." How did she know? "Just focus on breathing. Now, tell me what you can feel."
Deep breath in.
I could feel… Mrs. Wilkins' hand on my back, rubbing gentle circles. Mel's rough hands placed over my right. The grain on the wooden desk beneath my fingers. The clothes on my skin, deliberately chosen to be smooth or soft and not scratchy.
Deep breath out.
"See, you're doing okay. It's all alright."
My heartbeat slowed, leaving my ears as it did. Mrs. Wilkins' hand continued to soothe me, Mel's grip continued to ground me. I realised I had been squeezing her hand tight.
I let go, blood trickled from where my nails had dug into her skin. "Shit, sorry." My voice was shaky. I wiped at my wet cheeks with my sleeve.
Mel shook her head. "Don't worry about it. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm– No, I'm– I don't know."
"It's okay, dear. Take your time. Do you want me to call your mom?" Mrs. Wilkins leant down to be eye level with me, her hand still rubbing my back.
I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'll be alright."
Mrs. Wilkins furrowed her brow. "Would you like to go home? Or maybe just go outside for a bit?"
"Y-yeah... I wanna go home. I live close, I don't need you to call anyone."
"I'll need to call your mom before you leave."
I opened my mouth to protest but she left before I could. Mel stayed with me, squeezing my hand occasionally.
Mrs. Wilkins returned a few minutes later to inform me Heather knew of the situation, and was okay with me going home.
"I'll go with her. If that's okay," Mel said.
Mrs. Wilkins nodded slowly. "I think that'd be for the best." She stood upright. "Be careful on your way out."
Mel packed up my things into my backpack before grabbing her own. She slung both bags over her shoulders before taking my hand to guide me out of the room.
As we left I saw Abi mouth "I'm sorry," to me.
The cold wind stung my wet cheeks. Even my special packet of tissues couldn't dry them well enough. At least the tissues were soft.
Mel walked close to me, her shoulder occasionally gently bumping my own as we left the school.
There were little to no clouds in the sky, a sunny day with a cold breeze. No plumes of smoke billowed in the sky, no sirens blared out every five minutes. Normal.
"Is it a cape thing?" Mel spoke for the first time after leaving the school.
"What?"
"The panic attack, is it cape related? Abi started speaking about that, Animal Knight," Animal Knight? That would have been a great multi-purpose name, "or whatever and you started… I just thought it might be cape related," she continued without pause.
In a way, it was. Whatever happened to me back there, it was clear that it was because of the things I'd seen as Raccoon Knight.
"Yeah, it is."
"Fuck. I'm so sorry."
We returned to our silent walk. Thoughts were bursting in the back of my mind, at the same time I was thinking of nothing at all.
"My uncle was killed by a cape," Mel said. "What I mean… is that I get it. I get what you're going through. You can tell me if you want to, but you don't need to. I'm here for you either way."
"I'm sorry about your uncle. I don't–I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it."
"That's okay, take your time, and if that time never comes, that's okay too. I just want to be here for you." Mel laced her fingers through my own. I pulled away.
Her face flashed with hurt before she steeled her expression.
"Sorry, I'm just confused."
"Confused?" She scowled.
"I spoke to an adult friend I have, she said you might be interested in me romantically, is that true?"
Mel's face was unreadable. She looked to the ground before nodding.
"Yes. I know it might seem out of the blue. I'm just not good at any of this… social stuff. My brain only experiences things in extremes. Every single emotion is either one-hundred percent or nothing. I really like you, Meadow. Like like you."
"I like being around you, even if it's only been a few days," I admitted. "You make me feel better and it's nice just being able to have fun with you. You're probably my first real friend since I was really young." I smiled at her then sighed. "Everything is just too much right now. I've never even thought about romantic stuff. I don't even know what it means or how you know you like someone romantically. I'm sorry. What do we do here?"
"We don't need to do anything. You're not even thinking about romance and that's fine. I would like it if you did think it over at some point, but me being your friend isn't reliant on you returning my feelings. Just friends is fine for me. I still want to get to know you, to learn things about you, to do stuff with you. And I want to be there when you're like–when that thing happened in school."
Mel stopped before cupping her face in her hands.
"Fuck…" She groaned into her hands. "I'm so shitty. I brought this all up and you've just had a panic attack." Mel let go of her face to rub her arms, making her look more shy than I'd ever seen her.
This conversation had managed to drift my brain away from the classroom. My nerves still felt coiled up but my brain had been thoroughly distracted by all of this.
I started chuckling. How could I not? It was all so stupid. All of it spilled out of me in a bitter laugh that just kept going, eventually turning into full blown laughter. It made me feel better.
Mel stared at me with a concerned look on her face.
"I'm okay." I said after I calmed down, small chuckles still escaping from me. "I just realised how absurd all of it is. I go from one panic to the next, using the next one along to forget the last one. Even when I'm in a safe place, like school, I start panicking from the lack of distractions. The worst part is that I never told anyone I was like this, not even myself."
"Knowing is half the battle," Mel said.
"What does that mean?"
Was this a battle? Out there had been a battle. I'd framed school like a battle to help me get through it. Was I still fighting when I shouldn't be?
"My dad used to be an alcoholic," Mel rubbed her arms like she was cold. "He didn't know it was a problem until he started getting some awful pain in his face. Then, once he knew, he realised he could get help for it. I didn't know it was a problem either. Looking back, it was kind of obvious, and I'm glad he's out of it. What I mean, is that you know now, so you can get help for it. Start working through it."
She met my eyes. Her face looked sad. "I don't know the first thing about any of this. You can tell me what's going on if you want to, but you don't need to." She stepped towards me. "All I know is that I want to be there for my friend."
I reached out to take her hand in my own. "Thank you," I said. Words couldn't convey how grateful I was to her.
Mel was right. Knowing is half the battle. Dr. Kim couldn't help me if she didn't know what I was going through. I couldn't tell her if I didn't realise it myself.
She'd been teaching me something called cognitive behavioural therapy since punching Isabelle. Viewing everything through a negative lens makes everything around you feel more negative. Human brains were dumb like that.
Instead of focusing on the people I didn't save, or couldn't save, I should focus on the people I did. They were alive because of me. I should think about the fights I stopped rather than the ones I failed to get to in time. It all felt too simple to work. I kept at it anyway.
Negative thoughts were sticky thoughts. Like Mouse Protector told me, they needed to be slippy thoughts. Let the negative go and focus on the positive. Human brains are just too good at focusing on negative things; we're not really designed to have so much of it at once.
At first I thought it might just be ignoring my problems if I didn't focus on the negatives. I wasn't pushing it aside, I was just framing it amongst the good I'd done.
Ignoring the bad with more bad turned out to be a therapy no-no.
Leaping from one situation to the next did not make the old situation go away. From now on, I need to talk it through with someone or at least something. She recommended I start a journal to catalogue my thoughts. After just a couple of days I realised the power of it.
Having words out of my brain and onto paper made them feel more real. It helped me process things, and remember stuff to talk about later. Since she was such a big help, I decided to dub my new journal, Lili, the Secret Keeper. It was also fun putting stickers on her cover.
Not telling your therapist what was happening in your life because you didn't want to think about it, was also a therapy no-no. She wanted me to feel better, to be in a better space, and she couldn't do that if I didn't tell her the thoughts that I avoided.
Knowing was half the battle.
Thinking about the bad things I'd seen still hurt, but that was what therapy was for. Dr. Kim listened to me sob my way through a retelling of the entire bomb filled week. Talking felt pointless in my mind, I never thought it would actually work. Turns out, just having someone to listen to my worries helped a lot.
I was also taught methods to alleviate anxiety. Most of the methods might not even work for me, I had to figure out what worked best for me, or even develop my own special method.
We also spoke on how to notice anxiety or panic attacks. Working my way through them on my own would still be scary, apparently, but even noticing they were happening could help.
She even helped me think about romantic feelings. Going from talking about bombs to holding hands felt a bit jarring. Maybe that was just the life I was destined for.
Dr. Kim explained that there's a lot of different types of attraction. Too many to list.
After listening to me talk about Mel for a long time, she believed I was attracted to her in a non-platonic way, but she also said she couldn't tell me how I felt, that was for me to figure out and for her to help me figure out. Ultimately, it was up to me to sort through the tangled wires that were my feelings. At least Dr. Kim could point out the best ways to do that.
If the feelings I felt around Mel were attraction, that meant I was also attracted to Victoria and Carlos. When I thought about them, I didn't think about holding hands with them, though. I didn't think about much at all, just that they looked good and made my stomach feel weird.
When I thought about Mel, I thought about spending time with her while holding her hand. Maybe it was just because she'd initiated with that? I wasn't sure.
People romantically involved liked to kiss. Kissing felt weird to me, I didn't want to do that. Heather kissed me on the head sometimes, which I didn't mind. The idea of Mel kissing me on the head made my face heat up.
People are complex. Our emotions, feelings, likes and dislikes, were equally complex. Someone could be comfortable with one thing but then be uncomfortable with that same thing in a different situation.
Figuring it all out was a lot. How did anyone ever do this?
One step at a time, according to Dr. Kim.
"Rome wasn't built in a day," she had said.
Building my Tinker devices usually took less than a day. Most of them could be done in less than an hour. Maybe that had spoiled my world view. I wasn't better instantly, so why bother?
Learning to separate a power-based achievement and a human-based achievement took some doing.
Mom had suggested a hobby that didn't fit in with my power, something that was purely me. There was a lot of stuff out there. Humans found a lot of interesting ways to fill their time.
My own personal choice was a pottery class. Something about making things out of clay sounded interesting. It was a way to be creative that didn't use my power's granted knowledge.
Mom joined me at the class, a way to connect with me and to give herself a break as well.
Mother daughter bonding. I hadn't really realised when I'd started thinking of Heather as my mom, but she was.
Moulding clay was messy work. I loved messy work. The best part was that I had no natural talent for it at all. My first few cups turned out awfully. I was so happy. Misshapen, missized, and misaligned. All of them were my best work.
Mom had a steadier hand and managed to make some things that at least closely resembled what they were supposed to be.
Neither of us were excelling, but we didn't care.
Back at school, I apologised again to Abi. I explained that it wasn't her fault, that I had some cape related stuff happen to me and didn't like thinking about them. She took it in stride. Then she'd started talking with me more, she even started inviting me to hang out outside of school with her and Taffy.
In a few short days we'd become actual friends. She knew stuff about me and I knew stuff about her, more than I'd ever known about any of the Wards. Taffy only showed up once, often telling us the next day she forgot. I felt bad about it, I wanted to get to know her too.
I learned that Abi did not like Mel after asking if I could bring her along. She thought she was a 'fitness jock' like she'd thought I was. Mel also didn't like Abi rambling, which was mostly what Abi did.
I'd never really had friends, not since I'd left school when I was seven, meaning I was ill equipped to handle the situation. I wanted to hang out with both of them, not one at a time.
The internet recommended I find a common interest between them.
After some prodding I found they both liked a TV show about some detective who time travelled through history to solve crimes. Admittedly, it wasn't the best starting place. However, it did get them talking.
Once they spoke, Abi realised Mel wasn't just a 'fitness jock' and Mel realised that she didn't mind Abi's rambling so much if she understood what she was talking about.
They still had a few moments of tense air. It was better than before, at least.
Then, my birthday arrived. It was on May third, according to the government. With the process of moving me to a foster parent, the PRT had uncovered all of my legal files, like my birth certificate.
I personally hadn't even remembered what day it was on.
In the cartoons, people celebrated birthdays with a party. Usually that party had cake, decorations, and presents. It felt alien when I first saw it. Seeing it in person didn't make it less alien, just more real.
Mom had suggested a sleepover with my new friends. She assured me it was a classic bonding experience.
She'd even let us order takeout, a thing I'd never done before. After a few long missions the Wards had ordered pizza. I'd always headed home to eat instead. Pizza was a cold gloopy mess with cardboard tasting bread holding it together.
Mel and Abi agreed to sleeping over. Taffy said her mom was 'overprotective' and wouldn't let her sleep over at someone else's house. I had been hoping she'd come. It just meant that in the future I'd need to put in extra effort to hang out with her.
Both of the girls arrived with gifts. Gifts were a birthday tradition, apparently. I wasn't sure why, though it was hard to argue with people giving me things. I'd need to shop around to get them both something later on.
Abi gave me a pin shaped like a sword. I pinned it to my backpack. Even with just a single pin, my backpack looked better. Maybe I should get more?
She also got me a roll of stickers that looked like fantasy things, such as dragons, fairies, and knights. I thanked her with a hug. People liked hugs.
Mel gifted me a voucher for a kickboxing lesson, and promised to take me out to see a movie sometime. She said she felt bad about her gift but I thought it was wonderful. I hugged her too.
There were a lot of different birthday traditions. Abi's family celebrated by going bowling. Mel's family usually just gave cards and moved on.
Mom told me that when she was young, whoever's birthday it was was considered 'ruler' for the day. They decided what to watch on TV, what the temperature of the house was set to, and where they went that day. She'd never spoken much about her family. I knew she had two brothers but I didn't even know their names.
I decided I'd ask her more about them in the future.
Cake definitely tasted better when it hadn't been squished under mounds of trash. There were flavours to it that I hadn't noticed before through all the usual dumpster gunk.
Eventually, I showed the girls to my room so they could put their bags somewhere out of the way.
I had spent the morning cleaning up anything that linked me to Raccoon Knight, both to keep my secret identity and to let me distance myself from it. Tonight, I'm Meadow Fields, a normal highschool girl with normal friends.
"Wow, that's a lot of plushies!" Abi half-yelled as she saw my room.
She was right. Along my bed and against it, across my shelves, on top of my dresser, and various parts of my floor, were tons and tons of plushies. They came in all different shapes and sizes and were where most of my Wards allowance had gone to. Rabbits, bears, frogs, snakes, cartoon characters, you name it, I had it.
Mel squeezed a hand on my shoulder, "Cute."
My face flushed with heat. "Thanks. I like clutter. I've made a space for you two on the floor, we have sleeping bags ready, or you can use an inflatable mattress, up to you."
"Bags good for me," Mel said.
"Me too!" Abi flopped down onto my bed. "Holy shoot, this is a good bed."
Mel patted a hand against my bed before sitting on it. She bounced a little before nodding. "Damn, how do you ever get up in the morning?"
"Oh! I'm hungry! You said we could order something, right?" Abi bolted up from the bed in an instant.
"Yeah, we can order whatever. I, um, I've never ordered food before, so you guys can pick."
"Pizza!" Abi yelled.
"You've never ordered food?" Mel asked at the same time. I shook my head. "Pizza sounds good," she continued.
Abi began to chant pizza over and over again.
"I don't really like pizza," I interrupted her chanting.
"What?!" Abi yelled.
"It's just goopy, and cold, and tastes like cardboard."
"What kind of pizza have you been eating? Pizza is hot, delicious, yummy, scrumptious, goodness. Cardboard dough means you got bad pizza. Cheese is goopy though, that's fair."
"We can get something else," Mel offered.
"I.. I'd like to try pizza. I only ever ate it when–" I stopped myself. Would they judge me for digging through trash? People didn't like it. A social stigma, Carlos had called it.
"Pizza!" Abi yelled, unaware of my thoughts.
Mel stood up from my bed and placed a hand on my arm. "Are you sure? We can get something else."
I shook my head. "I'm sure. Pizza." I smiled at her.
She looked unsure for a moment before smiling back. "Pizza it is."
"Pizza!" Abi yelled again.
Taking my first bite took a surprising amount of nerves. It was just food, something I ate all the time. There were a rare few foods I didn't like. The last time I ate pizza it wasn't that great and left me feeling ill for a few days, so I had put it on my 'no eating' list alongside fish. Fish from dumpsters never tasted right.
Even a single bite in I could tell I was wrong. Pizza was amazing.
Abi stared at me expectantly. I gulped down my first bite and gave her a thumbs up.
She whooped and cheered as if she'd won something.
"Abi wins again! Pizza wins again!" The energetic girl cackled madly before shoving another slice into her mouth.
We ate our pizza in between conversations about nothing in particular. My heart warmed at just spending time with friends.
Maybe I'll be okay.
CW: depiction of an anxiety attack
Last night's patrol ended up going longer than we had intended.
Mouse Protector and I had followed some gang members back through their supply chain, leading us right to the building they were distributing from. The fight had been a chaotic mess but we'd managed to arrest over twenty people, while also shutting down a major supply of drugs to the surrounding area.
I was glad to be patrolling with her again, especially outside of the high stress week of dealing with bombs. I was also proud of what I'd accomplished that night. I wasn't proud the next morning after having to peel myself out of bed with sore muscles.
Habits are made by doing something over and over and over again. Dragging myself to school after a long night of patrolling took all the effort in the universe, but it was important to keep doing it until it was second nature. Even with my protesting muscles, I couldn't give up.
Getting to see Mel again helped motivate me a little.
I'd told Mouse Protector about my time spent with Mel. According to her, the hand-holding might mean she's interested in me romantically. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.
Sharing details of my personal life with Mouse Protector could have been considered a breach of my secret identity. I trusted her, though. We'd been through a lot together in such a short timeframe. A friendship born through the blood of others.
School did little to distract the itching I had to get back out on patrol, to be back out there with Mouse Protector like last night. Unfortunately, there were no patrols scheduled for the next few days.
At least I could still go to my lab to tinker, even if school stopped me from using the ideas currently swirling in my head. Rule number 3: No tinkering at school.
School was for learning, and I also needed to apologise to Taffy and Abi. Both of the girls were present, though neither looked at me as I entered our classroom. Taffy was her usual spaced out self and Abi deliberately looked away when she noticed me walk in.
I stopped by Taffy first.
"Hey, Taffy."
She blinked at me. "Hello," she said, sounding half-asleep.
I knew she could talk from overhearing her talk with Mrs. Wilkins, but it still caught me off guard when she did.
"I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have hit her and I'm sorry if I scared you."
Taffy shook her head, causing her glossy hair to shimmer in the light. "I don't like violence, I prefer talking. Isabelle and Annie never listened to me, though. She didn't bully me today. Thank you." Taffy gave me a gentle smile.
"I'm glad she stopped. Still, that doesn't mean I should have done it. Did you never tell the teachers about the bullying?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I didn't know it was an option."
On the wall in front of us was a large anti-bullying poster. "What about that poster?"
"What poster?" Taffy looked to where I was pointing. "Oh, I never noticed."
No one even knew she was being bullied. How did no one say anything? Even if she didn't know you could tell people, why didn't Abi tell someone?
"Well, sorry again. Let me know if she starts bullying you again. I won't hit her, I'll tell someone."
Taffy nodded before returning to her daydreams.
Abi had her head turned to pretend to stare out the window, but her reflection showed she was looking at me. As I approached she flicked her gaze to the grass outside.
"Go away," she said before I could speak.
"I wanted to apologise."
"Wait, really?" Abi whipped her head around to look at me. It caught me off-guard and made me jump a little.
"Yeah. What I did was wrong, I shouldn't have hit her."
"Oh… this isn't what I expected." She furrowed her brow. "I thought you'd be all, 'I'm not sorry I punched her, she deserved it, stop being annoyed at me, Abi.'" She had made her voice gravelly like an action movie star..
"That's not what I sound like. I am sorry, though, for scaring you. I just wanted to help but it was the wrong way to do it. I promise not to hit anyone unless they're trying to hit me."
Abi hummed for about three seconds with a sceptical look on her face. "Good enough!" I shook her offered hand. "Consider us golden, Meadow. Ooh, a golden meadow sounds fun. Wonder how much money that'd be."
"Probably a lot, gold is expensive."
"We could be millionaires! Think of all the candy we could buy! What would you buy?"
"Uh... I don't know."
"C'mon, there's gotta be something! A boat? A house? A tiger?!"
"Maybe a sword?" Like Mouse Protector, though not for use. The PRT would never approve of me using a sword. Getting them to approve Dede's spearhead took me promising to only ever use it against the environment or Brutes who could stand it.
"A sword? Are you into swords?"
"I like medieval stuff. Knights, dragons, monsters, and weapons."
"You're a fantasy nerd! I did not see that coming. I had you all wrong, Meadow. Thought you were a fitness jock who liked punching people, like Mel."
"I don't like punching people."
"I know that now, but you gotta admit that you certainly came off that way. You barely paid attention in class until Mel came over, then you punched someone when we were going to lunch!" Abi moved her hands around a lot when she spoke, even miming a punch as she said the word.
"She was just trying to help me with my schoolwork. We only really spoke about makeup and English."
"Makeup? Oh, was that why it smelt like nail polish?"
I nodded.
"Interesting." Abi stroked her chin. "Real interesting…"
"Um… okay. Sorry again, about yesterday."
I turned away to sit in my chair. It was right next to her, so it wasn't like I was going far. Abi kept stroking her chin as she turned to stare out the window. I forgot to ask her about talking to a grown-up about the bullying.
Mel entered the classroom with a deep scowl on her face. Her expression swapped instantly to a smile the moment she laid eyes on me. My heart fluttered a little as our eyes met.
She pulled the desk to my right closer to my own before sitting down.
"Hey," she said as she retrieved her school things from her backpack.
Abi slammed her hands onto my desk. Both of us jumped at her sudden arrival.
"Hey! Did you know Meadow likes fantasy stuff? And did you do her makeup yesterday?"
"Jesus fuck, Abi! Don't do that."
Abi just continued to smile at us.
"No, I didn't know. Yes, I did paint her nails," Mel said after catching her breath.
"Learn something new everyday, huh?" Abi leant closer in, shoving aside my pencils as she shifted her hands. "Every. Single. Day."
"Why're you being so weird?" Mel asked.
"Do you two wanna join my Raccoon Knight fanclub?"
My stomach dropped. Did she know?
"Who's Raccoon Knight?" Mel asked. She'd never heard of me? It was for the best, but my ego took a small hit.
"Only the bestest, greatest, amazingest hero in existence! We've got fifteen members now! Still only two people are coming to the in person fanclub, though. Well, three if you count me. You two could make it five!" Abi rambled on.
The tension in my muscles released as I realised she didn't know it was me. This was all just a weird coincidence, right?
"Why would I join a fanclub of someone I've never heard of?"
"Because she's awesome? We've had so many new sightings recently. Raccoon Knight has played a vital role in rescuing people from the recent bombings! There's so much new footage!"
"Good for you. I'm not interested in joining."
"Aw, c'mon… It'll be fun, I promise. Maybe I need to sell you on RK? That's what we call her back at the club, short for Raccoon Knight."
"I got it."
"Cool! Anyway, just this week we've had recordings of her pulling people out of burning buildings,"
Suffocating smoke fills my lungs even through the filter. A family's home, gone, burnt too fast for us to respond. Charred corpses burned from the inside out to cause chaos to feed the ego of a mad bomber.
"Fighting the ABB,"
I wince as the gunshot goes off right next to me. Even through my hearing protection it's still so loud. Wards aren't supposed to be around guns. A time of crisis made us push ourselves beyond our limits.
"Rescuing people in the mall,"
Triumph takes one look in the store before turning back to stop me from seeing. He tells me I'm better off not going in, pushing me away. I can still hear the wailing coming from inside as I leave.
"Dealing with a robbery,"
Brains splattered against the cigarette packets just to steal less than fifty dollars from the cash register. A scene I wasn't supposed to see. We kept getting caught off-guard, we were spread so thin. The cashier had called it in–we thought he'd be fine–but they must have come back.
"Pulling someone from the rubble of a building,"
A child cried out, a muffled sound from beneath the rubble. A PRT thinker guided me through the delicate process of using Aiai to remove the rubble without crushing the girl. Tense minutes pass as her cries begin to fade from exhaustion or blood loss, we weren't sure which.
"And just all around being awesome!" Abi finishes.
My heart beat reaches my ear, fading sounds with its thumping. Lungs atrophied, unable to breathe from the sickening smoke. I gasp for air, unable to even get a little. The world blurs around me. Oxygen fails to reach my lungs.
A muffled conversation continues in the background as I begin to die.
This is it. Dying on my fourth day of school. Good work, Meadow.
A delicate hand rubs my back.
"Meadow, dear, you're having an anxiety attack, okay?" A voice cuts through the fog, Mrs. Wilkins. "I need you to do a few things for me. First, focus on your breathing. Deep breath in, deep breath out."
I try to follow her instructions but I can't breathe at all. I shake my head.
"It's alright, you're okay. Just keep trying. Next, list the things you can hear."
I can hear… my heartbeat pounding in my ears. The endless explosions and sirens ringing in the distance. The wailing of people unseen.
Breathe in.
I can hear… Mel, saying my name. Her hand is clasped over my own. I can hear the birds outside. I can hear the rustling of paper and the scrape of chairs.
Breathe out.
"Good, you're doing great." How did she know? "Just focus on breathing. Now, tell me what you can feel."
Deep breath in.
I could feel… Mrs. Wilkins' hand on my back, rubbing gentle circles. Mel's rough hands placed over my right. The grain on the wooden desk beneath my fingers. The clothes on my skin, deliberately chosen to be smooth or soft and not scratchy.
Deep breath out.
"See, you're doing okay. It's all alright."
My heartbeat slowed, leaving my ears as it did. Mrs. Wilkins' hand continued to soothe me, Mel's grip continued to ground me. I realised I had been squeezing her hand tight.
I let go, blood trickled from where my nails had dug into her skin. "Shit, sorry." My voice was shaky. I wiped at my wet cheeks with my sleeve.
Mel shook her head. "Don't worry about it. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm– No, I'm– I don't know."
"It's okay, dear. Take your time. Do you want me to call your mom?" Mrs. Wilkins leant down to be eye level with me, her hand still rubbing my back.
I shook my head. "No, it's okay. I'll be alright."
Mrs. Wilkins furrowed her brow. "Would you like to go home? Or maybe just go outside for a bit?"
"Y-yeah... I wanna go home. I live close, I don't need you to call anyone."
"I'll need to call your mom before you leave."
I opened my mouth to protest but she left before I could. Mel stayed with me, squeezing my hand occasionally.
Mrs. Wilkins returned a few minutes later to inform me Heather knew of the situation, and was okay with me going home.
"I'll go with her. If that's okay," Mel said.
Mrs. Wilkins nodded slowly. "I think that'd be for the best." She stood upright. "Be careful on your way out."
Mel packed up my things into my backpack before grabbing her own. She slung both bags over her shoulders before taking my hand to guide me out of the room.
As we left I saw Abi mouth "I'm sorry," to me.
...
The cold wind stung my wet cheeks. Even my special packet of tissues couldn't dry them well enough. At least the tissues were soft.
Mel walked close to me, her shoulder occasionally gently bumping my own as we left the school.
There were little to no clouds in the sky, a sunny day with a cold breeze. No plumes of smoke billowed in the sky, no sirens blared out every five minutes. Normal.
"Is it a cape thing?" Mel spoke for the first time after leaving the school.
"What?"
"The panic attack, is it cape related? Abi started speaking about that, Animal Knight," Animal Knight? That would have been a great multi-purpose name, "or whatever and you started… I just thought it might be cape related," she continued without pause.
In a way, it was. Whatever happened to me back there, it was clear that it was because of the things I'd seen as Raccoon Knight.
"Yeah, it is."
"Fuck. I'm so sorry."
We returned to our silent walk. Thoughts were bursting in the back of my mind, at the same time I was thinking of nothing at all.
"My uncle was killed by a cape," Mel said. "What I mean… is that I get it. I get what you're going through. You can tell me if you want to, but you don't need to. I'm here for you either way."
"I'm sorry about your uncle. I don't–I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it."
"That's okay, take your time, and if that time never comes, that's okay too. I just want to be here for you." Mel laced her fingers through my own. I pulled away.
Her face flashed with hurt before she steeled her expression.
"Sorry, I'm just confused."
"Confused?" She scowled.
"I spoke to an adult friend I have, she said you might be interested in me romantically, is that true?"
Mel's face was unreadable. She looked to the ground before nodding.
"Yes. I know it might seem out of the blue. I'm just not good at any of this… social stuff. My brain only experiences things in extremes. Every single emotion is either one-hundred percent or nothing. I really like you, Meadow. Like like you."
"I like being around you, even if it's only been a few days," I admitted. "You make me feel better and it's nice just being able to have fun with you. You're probably my first real friend since I was really young." I smiled at her then sighed. "Everything is just too much right now. I've never even thought about romantic stuff. I don't even know what it means or how you know you like someone romantically. I'm sorry. What do we do here?"
"We don't need to do anything. You're not even thinking about romance and that's fine. I would like it if you did think it over at some point, but me being your friend isn't reliant on you returning my feelings. Just friends is fine for me. I still want to get to know you, to learn things about you, to do stuff with you. And I want to be there when you're like–when that thing happened in school."
Mel stopped before cupping her face in her hands.
"Fuck…" She groaned into her hands. "I'm so shitty. I brought this all up and you've just had a panic attack." Mel let go of her face to rub her arms, making her look more shy than I'd ever seen her.
This conversation had managed to drift my brain away from the classroom. My nerves still felt coiled up but my brain had been thoroughly distracted by all of this.
I started chuckling. How could I not? It was all so stupid. All of it spilled out of me in a bitter laugh that just kept going, eventually turning into full blown laughter. It made me feel better.
Mel stared at me with a concerned look on her face.
"I'm okay." I said after I calmed down, small chuckles still escaping from me. "I just realised how absurd all of it is. I go from one panic to the next, using the next one along to forget the last one. Even when I'm in a safe place, like school, I start panicking from the lack of distractions. The worst part is that I never told anyone I was like this, not even myself."
"Knowing is half the battle," Mel said.
"What does that mean?"
Was this a battle? Out there had been a battle. I'd framed school like a battle to help me get through it. Was I still fighting when I shouldn't be?
"My dad used to be an alcoholic," Mel rubbed her arms like she was cold. "He didn't know it was a problem until he started getting some awful pain in his face. Then, once he knew, he realised he could get help for it. I didn't know it was a problem either. Looking back, it was kind of obvious, and I'm glad he's out of it. What I mean, is that you know now, so you can get help for it. Start working through it."
She met my eyes. Her face looked sad. "I don't know the first thing about any of this. You can tell me what's going on if you want to, but you don't need to." She stepped towards me. "All I know is that I want to be there for my friend."
I reached out to take her hand in my own. "Thank you," I said. Words couldn't convey how grateful I was to her.
Mel was right. Knowing is half the battle. Dr. Kim couldn't help me if she didn't know what I was going through. I couldn't tell her if I didn't realise it myself.
She'd been teaching me something called cognitive behavioural therapy since punching Isabelle. Viewing everything through a negative lens makes everything around you feel more negative. Human brains were dumb like that.
Instead of focusing on the people I didn't save, or couldn't save, I should focus on the people I did. They were alive because of me. I should think about the fights I stopped rather than the ones I failed to get to in time. It all felt too simple to work. I kept at it anyway.
Negative thoughts were sticky thoughts. Like Mouse Protector told me, they needed to be slippy thoughts. Let the negative go and focus on the positive. Human brains are just too good at focusing on negative things; we're not really designed to have so much of it at once.
At first I thought it might just be ignoring my problems if I didn't focus on the negatives. I wasn't pushing it aside, I was just framing it amongst the good I'd done.
Ignoring the bad with more bad turned out to be a therapy no-no.
Leaping from one situation to the next did not make the old situation go away. From now on, I need to talk it through with someone or at least something. She recommended I start a journal to catalogue my thoughts. After just a couple of days I realised the power of it.
Having words out of my brain and onto paper made them feel more real. It helped me process things, and remember stuff to talk about later. Since she was such a big help, I decided to dub my new journal, Lili, the Secret Keeper. It was also fun putting stickers on her cover.
Not telling your therapist what was happening in your life because you didn't want to think about it, was also a therapy no-no. She wanted me to feel better, to be in a better space, and she couldn't do that if I didn't tell her the thoughts that I avoided.
Knowing was half the battle.
Thinking about the bad things I'd seen still hurt, but that was what therapy was for. Dr. Kim listened to me sob my way through a retelling of the entire bomb filled week. Talking felt pointless in my mind, I never thought it would actually work. Turns out, just having someone to listen to my worries helped a lot.
I was also taught methods to alleviate anxiety. Most of the methods might not even work for me, I had to figure out what worked best for me, or even develop my own special method.
We also spoke on how to notice anxiety or panic attacks. Working my way through them on my own would still be scary, apparently, but even noticing they were happening could help.
She even helped me think about romantic feelings. Going from talking about bombs to holding hands felt a bit jarring. Maybe that was just the life I was destined for.
Dr. Kim explained that there's a lot of different types of attraction. Too many to list.
After listening to me talk about Mel for a long time, she believed I was attracted to her in a non-platonic way, but she also said she couldn't tell me how I felt, that was for me to figure out and for her to help me figure out. Ultimately, it was up to me to sort through the tangled wires that were my feelings. At least Dr. Kim could point out the best ways to do that.
If the feelings I felt around Mel were attraction, that meant I was also attracted to Victoria and Carlos. When I thought about them, I didn't think about holding hands with them, though. I didn't think about much at all, just that they looked good and made my stomach feel weird.
When I thought about Mel, I thought about spending time with her while holding her hand. Maybe it was just because she'd initiated with that? I wasn't sure.
People romantically involved liked to kiss. Kissing felt weird to me, I didn't want to do that. Heather kissed me on the head sometimes, which I didn't mind. The idea of Mel kissing me on the head made my face heat up.
People are complex. Our emotions, feelings, likes and dislikes, were equally complex. Someone could be comfortable with one thing but then be uncomfortable with that same thing in a different situation.
Figuring it all out was a lot. How did anyone ever do this?
One step at a time, according to Dr. Kim.
"Rome wasn't built in a day," she had said.
Building my Tinker devices usually took less than a day. Most of them could be done in less than an hour. Maybe that had spoiled my world view. I wasn't better instantly, so why bother?
Learning to separate a power-based achievement and a human-based achievement took some doing.
Mom had suggested a hobby that didn't fit in with my power, something that was purely me. There was a lot of stuff out there. Humans found a lot of interesting ways to fill their time.
My own personal choice was a pottery class. Something about making things out of clay sounded interesting. It was a way to be creative that didn't use my power's granted knowledge.
Mom joined me at the class, a way to connect with me and to give herself a break as well.
Mother daughter bonding. I hadn't really realised when I'd started thinking of Heather as my mom, but she was.
Moulding clay was messy work. I loved messy work. The best part was that I had no natural talent for it at all. My first few cups turned out awfully. I was so happy. Misshapen, missized, and misaligned. All of them were my best work.
Mom had a steadier hand and managed to make some things that at least closely resembled what they were supposed to be.
Neither of us were excelling, but we didn't care.
Back at school, I apologised again to Abi. I explained that it wasn't her fault, that I had some cape related stuff happen to me and didn't like thinking about them. She took it in stride. Then she'd started talking with me more, she even started inviting me to hang out outside of school with her and Taffy.
In a few short days we'd become actual friends. She knew stuff about me and I knew stuff about her, more than I'd ever known about any of the Wards. Taffy only showed up once, often telling us the next day she forgot. I felt bad about it, I wanted to get to know her too.
I learned that Abi did not like Mel after asking if I could bring her along. She thought she was a 'fitness jock' like she'd thought I was. Mel also didn't like Abi rambling, which was mostly what Abi did.
I'd never really had friends, not since I'd left school when I was seven, meaning I was ill equipped to handle the situation. I wanted to hang out with both of them, not one at a time.
The internet recommended I find a common interest between them.
After some prodding I found they both liked a TV show about some detective who time travelled through history to solve crimes. Admittedly, it wasn't the best starting place. However, it did get them talking.
Once they spoke, Abi realised Mel wasn't just a 'fitness jock' and Mel realised that she didn't mind Abi's rambling so much if she understood what she was talking about.
They still had a few moments of tense air. It was better than before, at least.
Then, my birthday arrived. It was on May third, according to the government. With the process of moving me to a foster parent, the PRT had uncovered all of my legal files, like my birth certificate.
I personally hadn't even remembered what day it was on.
In the cartoons, people celebrated birthdays with a party. Usually that party had cake, decorations, and presents. It felt alien when I first saw it. Seeing it in person didn't make it less alien, just more real.
Mom had suggested a sleepover with my new friends. She assured me it was a classic bonding experience.
She'd even let us order takeout, a thing I'd never done before. After a few long missions the Wards had ordered pizza. I'd always headed home to eat instead. Pizza was a cold gloopy mess with cardboard tasting bread holding it together.
Mel and Abi agreed to sleeping over. Taffy said her mom was 'overprotective' and wouldn't let her sleep over at someone else's house. I had been hoping she'd come. It just meant that in the future I'd need to put in extra effort to hang out with her.
Both of the girls arrived with gifts. Gifts were a birthday tradition, apparently. I wasn't sure why, though it was hard to argue with people giving me things. I'd need to shop around to get them both something later on.
Abi gave me a pin shaped like a sword. I pinned it to my backpack. Even with just a single pin, my backpack looked better. Maybe I should get more?
She also got me a roll of stickers that looked like fantasy things, such as dragons, fairies, and knights. I thanked her with a hug. People liked hugs.
Mel gifted me a voucher for a kickboxing lesson, and promised to take me out to see a movie sometime. She said she felt bad about her gift but I thought it was wonderful. I hugged her too.
There were a lot of different birthday traditions. Abi's family celebrated by going bowling. Mel's family usually just gave cards and moved on.
Mom told me that when she was young, whoever's birthday it was was considered 'ruler' for the day. They decided what to watch on TV, what the temperature of the house was set to, and where they went that day. She'd never spoken much about her family. I knew she had two brothers but I didn't even know their names.
I decided I'd ask her more about them in the future.
Cake definitely tasted better when it hadn't been squished under mounds of trash. There were flavours to it that I hadn't noticed before through all the usual dumpster gunk.
Eventually, I showed the girls to my room so they could put their bags somewhere out of the way.
I had spent the morning cleaning up anything that linked me to Raccoon Knight, both to keep my secret identity and to let me distance myself from it. Tonight, I'm Meadow Fields, a normal highschool girl with normal friends.
"Wow, that's a lot of plushies!" Abi half-yelled as she saw my room.
She was right. Along my bed and against it, across my shelves, on top of my dresser, and various parts of my floor, were tons and tons of plushies. They came in all different shapes and sizes and were where most of my Wards allowance had gone to. Rabbits, bears, frogs, snakes, cartoon characters, you name it, I had it.
Mel squeezed a hand on my shoulder, "Cute."
My face flushed with heat. "Thanks. I like clutter. I've made a space for you two on the floor, we have sleeping bags ready, or you can use an inflatable mattress, up to you."
"Bags good for me," Mel said.
"Me too!" Abi flopped down onto my bed. "Holy shoot, this is a good bed."
Mel patted a hand against my bed before sitting on it. She bounced a little before nodding. "Damn, how do you ever get up in the morning?"
"Oh! I'm hungry! You said we could order something, right?" Abi bolted up from the bed in an instant.
"Yeah, we can order whatever. I, um, I've never ordered food before, so you guys can pick."
"Pizza!" Abi yelled.
"You've never ordered food?" Mel asked at the same time. I shook my head. "Pizza sounds good," she continued.
Abi began to chant pizza over and over again.
"I don't really like pizza," I interrupted her chanting.
"What?!" Abi yelled.
"It's just goopy, and cold, and tastes like cardboard."
"What kind of pizza have you been eating? Pizza is hot, delicious, yummy, scrumptious, goodness. Cardboard dough means you got bad pizza. Cheese is goopy though, that's fair."
"We can get something else," Mel offered.
"I.. I'd like to try pizza. I only ever ate it when–" I stopped myself. Would they judge me for digging through trash? People didn't like it. A social stigma, Carlos had called it.
"Pizza!" Abi yelled, unaware of my thoughts.
Mel stood up from my bed and placed a hand on my arm. "Are you sure? We can get something else."
I shook my head. "I'm sure. Pizza." I smiled at her.
She looked unsure for a moment before smiling back. "Pizza it is."
"Pizza!" Abi yelled again.
Taking my first bite took a surprising amount of nerves. It was just food, something I ate all the time. There were a rare few foods I didn't like. The last time I ate pizza it wasn't that great and left me feeling ill for a few days, so I had put it on my 'no eating' list alongside fish. Fish from dumpsters never tasted right.
Even a single bite in I could tell I was wrong. Pizza was amazing.
Abi stared at me expectantly. I gulped down my first bite and gave her a thumbs up.
She whooped and cheered as if she'd won something.
"Abi wins again! Pizza wins again!" The energetic girl cackled madly before shoving another slice into her mouth.
We ate our pizza in between conversations about nothing in particular. My heart warmed at just spending time with friends.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Thanks to the cauldron discord for proofreading. Thank you everyone for your contined support and kind messages <3