Piggot: Not all Heroes Wear Capes (Well, none of them do- but whatever)

[Numen]

Synopsis: She is the hero humanity needs, but not the one it deserves. This edgy and gothic tale recounts one ordinary woman's mission to protect cowardly mewling muggles from predation by the inhuman horrors of the night. ACTION! DRAMA! ROMANCE! FALSE-ADVERTISING! STRANGLING! Everything in this story is absolutely true and really did happen.

It is I, Numen, paltry mortal and watcher of all things arcane in the eddies of the infinite multiverse. Hear this tale and tremble in wonder and reverence. This story shall update whenever the cloudy mist of of the space-between-spaces clears up and I can correctly transcribe the Tale of Piggot, mortal extraordinaire, indeed, it is much like the schedule for 38,000 B.C. which great sages agree is unreliable at best and dependent upon the moods of a kinky, sex-starved muse.

I digress. Behold!

Numen Presents
Piggot: Not all Heroes Wear Capes
(Well, none of them do- but whatever)

Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, beautiful Canadian Beast and King of the internet. I derive no profit from this work.

 

[Numen]

1. The Woman
​

You've been fed what they wanted to feed you
You've been bled of the will to survive
Now you stand just as long as they need you
But you're the only one that keeps you alive
Keep you alive.
- The Protomen, Hold Back The Night


​

The clack of her petite sized dress shoes echoed down the hall heralding her approach. PRT agents ducked the fuck out her way to avoid her wrath or worse- to see the white of her eyes, which some of the rumours from around the water dispenser claimed was the equivalent of losing your soul. An Eastern European agent that just transferred in claimed it was the evil eye.

The obese woman with the blond pixie cut ran her grubby hands over her majestic mane and spat at a nearby intern who pissed herself in horror before ducking into the nearest bathroom to cry her guts out.

Emily Piggot snapped her fingers at a nearby agent- Jack something whatshisface- who froze in terror. She gestured at the putrid puddle on the floor and then ripped off his designer jacket in order to dry off the piss.

Pathetic. Like that sniveling coward Thomas Calvert. When she next saw him for their monthly movie date, she was going to deck him across the mouth.

Piggot silently promised herself she was going to fire that intern tomorrow. Wait, she wasn't getting paid- that's right the Interns don't get paid.

Well, then nevermind. She'd save any money she could. Budgets were hard to get approved of after all. Thinking of budgets made her mood even more foul and she stalked further down the hall and- what the fuck.

"You!"

The woman gulped and tried to throw her copy of Fifty Shades of Armsmaster into the trashcan. Piggot pounced on the women and began to strangle her.

"How dare you read that rapist filth!"

The agent gasped in terror before her face turned an interesting shade of purple. Nearby agents watched in horror as their director went nuts again.

Oh yeah, this was a very common occurrence. Did you not know that? Well, when you transfer into Brockton Bay for the first time, the veterans tell the new guy, "The boss is a strangler. Watch your steps." And the new guy laughs it off- until the next day, in which case their throat is bruised and they stop laughing.

The agent Piggot was strangling finally lost enough oxygen to roll up her eyes and call it quites for the day. Satisfied with dishing out retribution, Piggot stood up and dust off her business suit.

"Much better."

She entered her office and saw Miss Militia waiting with a Venti cup of starbucks coffee.

"Ma'am!"

Piggot ripped the cup out of her hands and sipped the coffee before spitting it out.

"This doesn't taste like it's Venti sized."

Piggot lifted the edge of the cup and pulled the grande sized starbucks coffee out of the Venti cup.

The Director roared in rage and threw the coffee at Miss Milita.

"How dare you trick me!"

Miss Militia sniffled.

Piggot slapped her.

"Don't you dare cry, Hannah!"

Grabbing the heroine by her ears, Piggot pulled her towards her, but Hannah was trying her hardest to avoid looking Piggot in the eyes.

"Look at me Hannah."

"N-no!"

"LOOK AT ME!"

Hannah did.

And she began to convulse with a seizure. Foams gathered around her mouth before the gun-themed heroine fainted.

Piggot dropped the waste of space and cracked her neck.

​

"I still got it."​

+++​

"What. The. Fuck. Is. This!?"

Piggot steepled her fingers as she showed Dennis the fanfiction on PHO's creative writing section to him. It was written and posted by a username who joined 2 days ago and went by the name of 'TotallyNotClockBlocker'. The story was slanderous lies about how Emily Piggot was an evil bitch with the evil eye that abused her employees.

Which was totally not true and was bad for PR.

Dennis gulped, "Uh, I don't know. That's totally not me."

Piggot jumped over the table and began to strangle Dennis. Then Armsmaster was tying her up with ropes while whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

Hannah was eating Turkish Delights, but began to cry because it was a bootleg brand imported by Lung from China.

+++​

DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-BANG!

Piggot dropped her grandfather's antique smoking six-shooter as her brain finally woke up. The screaming alarm clock was something she find herself buying over and over again. Well, it was part of the budget, so that was fine.

Piggot groaned as she opened her eyes and immediately shut then.

"Jesus, the sun."

She was having the most interesting dream where she was strangling Clockblocker for writing a horrible fanfic about her.

Her head pounded with a heavy migraine, but she tried to force herself to sit upright- failed and collapsed back onto the bed with a silent sigh of relief. Well, she tried. Maybe it was time to call it quites and just die?

"Nay! Fuck that!"

For duty only ends in death and she could not die, not here, not now.

Who would hold back the night?

Who can stop the Parahumans from threatening the innocent regular humans?

Who, other than she, Director Emily Piggot- survivor of Ellisburg, the beautiful blonde vixen of Brockton Bay, can protect Earth Bet from the depredations of the mutant, the alien, and the-

DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE!

"What the fuck!?"

Oh right, it was the second alarm clock. Piggot flopped onto her sides and groped around the floor for- no not that- that was for when she needed to be extra drunk to forget something- aha!

She picked her six-shooter again and pointed it at the alarm clock.

She depressed the trigger.

Nothing happened.

"CURSE YOU EMPTY CHAMBER! HOW DARE YOU BE EMPTY OF BULLETS!"

Oh wait, she forgot to pull the hammer back.

She cocked the pistol with a click. Aimed at the still 'DEE-DEE-DEE-ING' alarma clock and grinned savagely.

Then she carefully depressed the trigger.

Nothing hammered.

Oh wait, the hammer was broken.

THE HAMMER WAS BROKEN.

She glared at her six-shooter. How dare this thing ruin her day?

"FUUUUUUUCK!"

+++​

Max Anders was nodding his head along to white power rock as he drove to work. As he waited at the traffic lights, he saw Director Emily Piggot marching towards him.

He continued nodding his head- wait, what the fuck? Emily Piggot was walking towards him?

He quickly switched off the stereo.

Emily Piggot had her face pressed against his car window, her fat cheeks squished against the window pane, eyes screaming bloody murder.

Her mouth whispered the words, 'open the door.'

Max locked the doors immediately and immediately dialled 911.

"Yes, what is your emergency!"

"I fear for my life! The PRT director, Emily Piggot is trying to mug me!"

Max was not joking, he felt like a part of his soul died when he looked Piggot in the eyes. So the rumours were true.
Piggot sighed and bend down.

She stood back up with a steel baseball bat.

"Oh she is not going to do that! NOT!"

Piggot began to smash the windows of Max's car. He screamed as grubby fingers grabbed him and pulled him out of the car.

"Max!"

He whimpered, too terrified to use his powers against the demon-woman of Brockton Bay.

"Give me that authentic Lodestone I know you're keeping in your vaults. Or else this whole city will hear about your extracurricular activities. Nothing would please me more than to impale you on a lamp post, you and the rest of your degenerate gang."

The CEO of Medhall processed this threat in incredulity. Fuck fuck fuck! How had she known?

Suddenly PAIN. SO MUCH PAIN.

Emily removed her knee from his crotch. And then she screamed in frustration, fingers still gripping his throat.

"Fuck! My knees are weak and you made me hurt them."

She decked him in the mouth and Max grunted in pain. With tears in his eyes, he managed to stammer out through his swelling lips what she wanted to hear.

"And you're a spineless wimp, just like Calvert. Skinny bastards hot though, but fuck. I hate guys like that. Like you."

Max couldn't decide what was worst, that Emily Piggot was complimenting him, or that she was insulting him. He had accidentally discovered a new branch of ontology.

Max unknowingly made the first step towards obtaining a PhD in philosophy. Coincidentally, this made him less of a dick and his son Theo would hate him only marginally less. Marginally.

Max was not aware of any of this, because as is typical of Earth Bet humans, he could not see into the future, or perceive his own worldline.

Instead he said:

"I-I'll give you the lodestone. J-just don't hurt me. Please."

Emily Piggot, being fair and merciful simply nodded and dropped him like the trash he is.

That was when the cops showed up. This was a terrible mistake and far future sages would look back at this point in time as a failure of the universe to justify it's continued existence.

Fortunately, the Universe had a good lawyer and was able to justify it's continued existence to cranky old men with too much time on their hands that they choose to waste it pondering upon the meaning of life.

But that's a different story.

The first officer got out of his cruiser and pointed a gun at the Director. His partner was asleep, drooling slightly and did not back up his partner. Later, the officer would compliment him for his timely 'bout of somnia.

"Freeze!"

Piggot turned around slowly.

+++​

Officer Michels was afraid for his life. The demon-woman of the Bay was looking at him. Suddenly all light in the world was sucked away as he began to hyperventilate.

Oh god, the killing intent!

There was only darkness. DARKNESS. Woe, woe, woe! And Piggot's fanged teeth and her blazing eyes that suck at his soul, like the glint of knives that gave you tiny paper cuts but didn't draw blood just to mess with your sense of touch and make you afraid of plastic cups. Exactly like that.

She jerked her thumb across her neck. Her message loud and clear:

Fuck with me and you die.

The cop climbed back in his car and accelerated away at 90km/hours, nearly running over a small cat. He picked up his radio with trembling fingers and calmly reported.

"False alarm. Nothing was happening."

"But Max Anders said-"

"The prick is a lying bastard. Our good, angelic director would never threaten an innocent civilian. She works with children after all. Now shut your mouth."

He drove on.

He decided he found religion.

+++​

With the Lodestone in her hands, Piggot began to chant.

"THOOOOOOOOOOOR!"

The God of Thunder descended from the sky.

"What ho, mortal woman!?"

She pointed at her six-shooter.

"I need you to chip off a bit of that Hammer of yours so I can fix the hammer of my revolver."

"Nay! Mjolnir shall not debase himself by being used in some paltry mortal gun!"

Piggot walked up to him and jammed her finger in Thor's gut.

"Grandfather, you owe me this."

Thor sighed.

"Fine, but only because you're of my blood."

He used his nails to gouge out a small chip of Mjolnir and handed it to Piggot, who immediately stuck into where the hammer on her gun goes and it magically melded together. Because magic.

Then he smiled. The same smile that managed to seduce Emily's grandmother, which everyone in the family agreed was a terrible choice. It was an unholy union. Piggot was proof.

Piggot got a bad feeling about this.

"But you must prove yourself worthy! You shall go on a QUEST to earn the right to a sliver of Mjolnir for your weapon. What say thee?"

"But I already have the chip-"

"Well, I'll take it away unless you can prove that you earn it!"

"Fuck no, I have responsibilities!"

Thor crossed his arms. His muscles bulged disgustingly.

"Then no deal, I'll take the chip back."

He turned his chin upwards towards the sky, as if ignoring her like some petulant giant-child.

Piggot hissed in rage, her face going through multiple hues of red and blue.

Finally she spat.

"Fine! I'll do this damned quest of yours!"

And then I am going to shoot one of your testicles off!

Thor glanced back down with one eye open and grinned. He clapped his hands in delight. Far off towards the Boats Graveyard, dark clouds gathered and thunder rumbled across the horizon as freak lightning flashed.

Piggot glared at him and snarled, "Stop clapping! You'll cause a freak storm and people will think Leviathan is attacking or something!"

Thor immediately moved his hands apart. He coughed and looked down at her again.

"For your glorious, sacred, secret quest, you shall attempt the impossible (well, impossibe for mere mortals)- you shall…"

Piggot leaned in.

"You shall…"

Piggot began to get excited. Her warrior's blood boiling to the surface. Feelings and hormones long since locked away since taking up a desk job began to awaken.

"You shall…"

Would she finally face a worthy challenge? Not like the pathetic weaklings at the PRT, or those pathetic so called pussy heroes or the whining brats in the Wards? Or the overhyped supervillains that she spared only because of politics?

"You shall…"

Piggot frowned and stamped her foot.

"Goddamit, Grandpa, what the fuck shall I do! Tell me!"

Thor turned towards the camera and said:

"The Aristocrats!"

The End.

+++​

Except not the End. Not at all, because Piggot punched Thor in the groin and the God went down sobbing.

"Oh god, not there!"

"Grandpa, can you just take this fic seriously for a moment? This is no time for a goddamned Aristocrat's joke! Now what the hell is my quest?"

Thor became serious.

"You must hold back the night?"

Piggot was intrigued. That sounded exactly like her self professed motto...

"Hold back the night against what, grandpa?"

"The White Walkers."

"Wut."

Thor then pointed his Hammer at her and shouted.

"HEIMDALL! SEND HER TO WESTEROS!"

Nothing happened. Somewhere in the distance, a police siren could be heard as Brockton Bay's crime spree continued unabated without Piggot there to steer the ship.

Every second wasted here with her shitty god for a grandparent was something horrible happening to some poor cowardly denizen of this city.

Piggot snarled, "If this is some sort of-"

Thor facepalmed as if realizing something.

"Oh right silly me."

He pointed his Hammer at Piggot again and roared.

"HEIMDALL! SEND HER TO PLANETOS!"

And with a crack of rainbow light, Piggot was gone, hurtling across space and time towards a faraway world.

One that needed her more than even Earth Bet did.

+++​

"Hey, who be this fat 'lass?"

The Sellsword poked at the strangely dressed smallfolk lying on the middle of the road.

His friend shrugged and then gestured at her golden lockes.

"Beats me, but judging by the fine if odd fabric and the golden hair, I'd wager she's probably a Lannister bastard or something."

The Sellsword thought about it.

"Maybe...if we offered to be her Swornswords, she'll be able to give us a better life?"

His friend nodded his head in agreement.

"Yes, everybody knows the bloody Lannisters are filthy rich! Even a third-rate bastard daughter of some Lannister Lord can probably throw gold at us!"

The two friends got excited. Finally they could move beyond their lot in life! Finally they could stop killing innocent people for coinage- they could do something respectful for themselves and make their ancestors proud by only killing people for Nobles and coinage.

It was not to be however, for the gods were cruel.

BANG! BANG!

Piggot lowered her smoking six-shooter and growled as she sat up. When she had woken up, she saw two strangely dressed thugs with swords standing over her.

They looked like medieval people and everybody knew that armed men in medieval times was probably a mercenary army who took their pay in rape and pillage!

So she shot them both first and asked questions (to herself) afterwards.

"They were probably discussing horrific evil things. Maybe they want to rape me!'

Piggot did not regret ending the two lives. It was self-defense.

She looked up at the sky.

"Where am I? What is this place?"

She turned back to the corpses and began to go through their clothing and pockets for loot. Everybody knows you loot corpses on a QUEST.

That was like THOR101.

She picked a random direction and begin to walk.

+++​

Armsmaster finished tying up Miss Militia with his ultra-efficient Shibari technique (he even wrote a book about it- and it was getting a movie deal).

Then he frowned and looked at the time.

"It's 1500 hours."

He turned to Hannah in confusion.

"Isn't this when Piggot usually calls us into her office to yell at us about some kind of percieved failure on our behalf and blame us for everything?"

"Hmmmhmmm?"

Oh right, she was still ball-gagged.

 

[moonberserker]

This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read.

 

[Numen]

This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever read.

Click to shrink...

Welcome to the Numen school of crack.

 

[Tobi'sAGoodBoy]

Now THIS, THIS IS CRACK.......and I am confused.....also "the beautiful blonde vixen of Brockton Bay" is this a dream she's having?

 

[Numen]

Now THIS, THIS IS CRACK.......and I am confused.....also "the beautiful blonde vixen of Brockton Bay" is this a dream she's having?

Click to shrink...

Nah. She knows her self-worth and don't let society's media distortions fuck with her self-esteem. That's why she buys Dove. #RealBeauty

 

[Numen]

2. Pigs​

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
- Eagles, Hotel California


​

The little girl ran into smithy jumping up and down excitedly. She shouted at her father who was busying banging something over the anvil.

"Papa, Papa!"

Blacksmith Joe yelped in fright, pulled up his trousers and shove the whore into a nearby closet before locking it. He hissed at the closet, "Don't make any noise, my daughter is here!"

He turned back around and smiled at his beautiful baby girl.

"Yes, baby, what is it?"

The girl looked demure as she shyly asked, "Tell me a story Papa!"

"About the Mad King?"

"Nope!"

"About the Long Night?"

"Nope!"

He sighed and felt very frustrated. In more ways than one.

"Well then, what story do 'ye want to hear?"

She grinned

"Tell me about the Thunder Pig!"

The whore bursted out of the closet and screamed, "Oh my gawd, that is my favourite story!"

The whore and his daughter sat down on the hay and soot covered barn floor and the blacksmith grabbed a stool to sit his fat ass upon.

"Alright child...and Cindy? Candy? Whatever. Prepare yourselves for the greatest tale ever told."

Blacksmith Joe presents
THUNDER PIG &
THE LEGEND OF THE PEE ARC TEE!

A long time ago, in the far away distant kingdom or Ear-Bath...

"Ear-Bath, what kind of a name is that?"

Silence child! A very far away foreign sounding kind. It probably lies as far as Yi-Ti or further. The Crystal City of Ear-Bath was dominated by crystal spires and a mighty metropolis-

"What is a metropolis?"

Silence whore, I am not paying you to ask questions!

"But-"

Shut your whore mouth. Anyway, where was I, oh right-

Ear-Bath was dominated by crystal spires and a mighty metropolis-

"What is a metropolis, Papa?"

By the Seven- alright fine, a metropolis is just a fancy word meaning a giant city- bigger than any city we have here in Westeros. Something to rival Old Valyria- nay, something to surpass it.

Okay, so the Thunder Pig was a mighty warrior and she ruled the Pee Arc Tee, which was a mighty tribe of knights that defended Ear-Bath from the Vara-vermins!

"Papa, what's a Vara-vermins?"

"Yeah Joe, what's a Vara-vermin?"

Abominations that prey upon humanity, like their name suggests, they breed and multiply and eat the foods of smallfolks like us and do horrible things to little girls like you.

"What about me?"

They do even more horrible things to you- like I am going to do, except it's not horrible, because I am paying for it.

"But technically, I was kidnapped and forced into a life of prostitution."

Shut your whore mouth.

"No."

Then I am not telling the story.

"Papa, tell the Seven-damned story and stop bothering the half-naked lady."

Fine! Okay so, Thunder Pig once had to lead the PEE ARC TEE into battle against the metal vara-vermins, the Imps of the egg tee egg.

"Egg tee egg?"

Fuck me if I know what that means- No Cindy, I didn't say to fuck me! Stay down. This is story time, not business time.

So anyway, Thunder Pig had a magical weapon, called a six-shooter.

"I've heard of this!"

"So have I!"

"It spats thunder and death!'

"It is blessed by the Storm Gods!"

Yes, yes, yes, everybody has heard of the legendary six-shooter. Shut up. Thunder Pig once had her weapon stolen and her arms bound by the insidious villain, Coil.

"Coil?"

A snake god that is worshipped by a cult of sellswords. They say he dwell deep underground in the underworld.

He kidnapped Thunder Pig because they had a history you see- they used to be comrades who fought together against the demons in the Kingdom of Elessenborg.

He wanted to get information from her. To get her to betray her Knights in exchange for life. But Thunder Pig was valiant and loyal and she said-

"NAY!"

"NAY!"

Oh I see you all know the story already. Well, I guess we're done here, come here Cindy and bend over the anvil for me will ya?

"But Papa!"

"But Joe!"

Fine! Fine!

I'll continue the story.

Where was I?

Oh right, so Thunder Pig said NAY!

And she shot the asshole in the balls and that entire universe disappeared.

"Wait...what?"

"Universe?"

Roughly it means creation- go ask the Maesters. Anyway, Coil the snake god was capable of splintering time and creating new creations.

"Truly he is a mighty god."

Maybe, but the Thunder Pig was yet stronger. Anyway, Coil died and it was like that entire creation never happened. Thunder Pig of course, remembered everything that happened because she was the granddaughter of the Storm God and he had gifted her with mighty protections in the space-time continuum.

"How do you know all of these words, Papa?"

"Yeah, Joe, aren't you a normal blacksmith?"

Some guy called Numen told me. He's kind of like a god- don't ask questions Cindy! Just fucking don't!

Anyway, some of the Vara-vermins work with the Thunder Pig as bound vassals, they were made loyal using mighty magics called 'work contracts' and they dare not break them less the powerful dark gods known as the lawyers swoop down upon them and take away their souls.

One of these was Militant-Maiden, she was a zealous religious warrior who wields a spear of light. The other was the dreaded lust god, Shibarimastah!

"Shibarimastah?"

Yes, he likes to tie up women and do horrible, unspeakable things to them.

"More unspeakable than what people do to whores?"

Much more. Unspeakable, but not fatal, but doubtlessly arcane and bizarre and very weird for everyone involved. You may lose your soul because of how unorthodox it is.

"There you go with the big words again Papa. Are you a maester?"

Funny you said that, I was almost- nevermind that! Back to the the story.

One day, the Dragon- yes a dragon, from Yi-Ti known as Long came into Ear-Bath and tried to kill everyone. But Thunder Pig send out Shibarimastah and Militant-Maiden to subdue the dragon.

Their battle was legendary, but they could not win.

So finally Thunder Pig walked into the dragon's lair and shot his balls off.

And the Dragon agreed to take it easy from then on. There was a big epic battle as heroic PEE ARC TEE knights battled vile Vara-vermin bastards. It was like a battle out of the Age of Heroes, with people flying everywhere and firing off lightning and fire.

I'd go into all of the details, but this is a crack fic and honestly can't justify the extraneous word count.

"But-"

Shhhhhh, it's okay. Don't question the narrator.

"But-"

SILENCE!

And that is the story.

Now go to bed. Cindy, come over here!

+++​

Piggot threw the draft at Numen's face.

"That was terrible."

She punch him in the groin and then roll his body into a ditch. The ultimate fate of all terrible fanfic writers.

She continued walking down the Kingsroad, but was stopped when she saw a knight standing guard over what looked like a path that lead into a clearing. Shouting can be heard and she saw big tents amongst the trees.

"What is this?"

The Knight marched forward and looked at her up and down before frowning. Doubtlessly confused by the quality of her very fine robes and her obvious weight (nobles were fat because they could afford to eat alot), but also confused about her strange dress and mannerism, for women were not so bold in their postures in this time and age. Well, except Cersei, but she kind of went too far in the other direction and bend around to emerge from the Hitler end of the spectrum. Not that this Knight knew who Hitler was, but Numen can break space and time like that, for I, the mighty Numen is akin to a g- oooogh, not the groin.

The Knight looked bewildered as he saw a strange man double over from seemingly nothing and fell back into the ditch in the woods. He ignored him, because he was probably some kind of vagrant.

If you were wondering who punched Numen, it was the Rule of Funny. The Rule of Funny punched Numen. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's funny, and that is...exactly what the rule means.

The Knight, let's call him Sir Hugo, Eastside Represent. Sir Hugo looked down at the fat petite woman and asked the obvious question.

"My...lady (I think)…. who are you and what are you doing approaching the royal entourage?"

Piggot blinked.

"Sir, my name is Emily Piggot. And honestly I find myself quite lost. Where is this place, who are you and what do you mean by Royal entourage…

"How can you not know- are you a foreigner?"

"In a manner of speaking."

Sir Hugo debated with himself before finally deciding that lost foreign nobles could be considered to be the King's responsibility.

"You know, I'll let the King deal with this, come along."

Piggot took careful note of the Stag emblem endemic throughout all of the banners that hung around the camp. There was a couple of banners with a silver wolf on it and some with Lions.

Interesting.

There was more knights and what seemed to be courtiers walking around to and fro, tasked with various duties before dusk as the entire camp was settling down.

"Were you guys traveling somewhere?"

The Knight nodded, "Yes. Back to King's Landing. His majesty recently journeyed North to recruit Lord Stark to be the Hand of the King."

Piggot stared at him blankly.

Sir Hugo sighed and facepalmed.

"Nevermind. You'll figure it out."

He lead her to the King's Tent and told her to wait outside. Then he ducked inside.

+++​

King Robert was talking with Lord Stark and laughing about something while ignoring his pouting wife- Sir Hugo had to look twice because she was damn hot. Of course that never happened because it was treason to think such scandalous thoughts about that sexy Queen and a good knight had mastered double-think fairly early in their career.

King Robert paused when he saw Sir Hugo.

"Yes Sir-whatever the fuck your name is, Hughes, Hogan?"

"It's Hugo-"

"Yeah whatever. I am too sober enough to care. Is something the matter?"

Sir Hugo saluted by slamming his fist to his armoured chest. Time to be professional, this could make or break his career! Shiny CEO position at Baelish Ho. Incorporated coming right up. Wait. That wasn't described properly, but you get the idea.

"Your majesty! There was a foreign noble wandering on the Kingsroad near our camp and after questioning her, I have...determined that she is very lost and confused. I felt that perhaps you can help her, as you are the King and she is a foreign noble."

King Robert looked intrigued.

"Her you say? Interesting. Is she beautiful? Does she have big tits?"

Lord Stark looked scandalized.

Piggot chose that moment to burst into the tent.

"What the fuck did you say, you fat bastard?"

Robert's jaw dropped as he tried to process what the woman called him. Cersei gasped in shock and Lord Stark looked even more scandalized.

The King's face turned red with rage and he roared while swinging his chubby legs back and fro from his temporary throne.

"How dare you call me that y-you fat bitch!'

Piggot's face turned purple with rage.

"You swine!"

"You look more like a pig than I do!"

Piggot roared and jumped onto the table, knocking away plates of food as she squirmed over and grabbed the King's shirt with both hands.

Sir Hugo's face went white with horror, Oh Gods! What have I done!? His career was fucked now.

The King punched her in the face. She head-butted the King and then pulled him onto the ground where she began to strangle him.

"Fuck you fatso!"

"Y-you're fatter!" Robert managed to stammer out as he plied her fingers away from his throat. Diminished as he was from years of eating, drinking and whoring, he still possessed prodigious strength. He continued to roar at her, spittle flying from his yellow teeth.

"And what's with the Lannister hair? It makes you even more ugly!"

Cersei gasped, scandalized at her husband's insult towards her family name. Well, more scandalized than she was already. Robert was now straddling the fat woman and punching her face in while screaming, "How'd you like that, I call that the Stormbringer! Secret Baratheon family technique! BOOM goes the thunderbolt, ha!"

They were both dirty and covered in mud from the wet ground of the tent.

Lord Stark had his face buried in his hands as more Lords and courtiers burst into the tent to find out what the commotion was. All of them were shocked to find the King rolling around the ground with some kind of fat man.

And even more shocked when they realized the fat man was actually a fat woman.

Cersei finally had enough. She stood up and screamed in rage.

"Guards! Arrest that woman and pry my husband off of her!"

Everyone ignored her. Because she was a cunt yes, but they would normally obey anyway due to fear (or if they're Lannister men, out of loyalty). However because they were still shell-shocked by the dirty mudfight between the two overweight persons, they did nothing.

Cersei silently remembered the faces of the people present and vowed to do horrible things to them and their families. Afterall, a Lannister always pays their debts, although dear John Lannister- the ancestor who originated that unofficial family motto- would be shocked to see how his descendents have twisted his words. He meant that as responsible citizens they should always pay their bills and mortgages on time (Casterly Rock wasn't cheap).

Sir Selmy then pushed aside the tent flaps and shoved the gawking spectators away. He took one look at the scene and looked up at the sky and muttered.

"Oh gods, why me?'

He walked over and grabbed Robert by the cuff of his shirt and pulled him off the poor woman who was being beaten by the King. Oh what would the people say?

"Unhand me, Selmy! I need to teach this fat sow who's the King!"

Sir Selmy was in no mood to indulge in his King's idiocy.

"For shame your majesty! You're a godsdamned king, act like one! How can you beat a defenceless-"

Piggot surged forward like a corpse springing back to life from the grave and lunged for Robert.

Sir Selmy smacked her away and then gasped in horror.

"Oh, woe is me, I have struck a woman."

Sir Jamie threw aside the tent flaps and entered the pavilion.

He looked at the situation.

"For Christ's sake!"

Wait, how did he-

You know what. Whatever. I'll explain why Jamie knows about Jesus Christ later (or maybe never).

Jamie walked over to the downed woman and drew his sword.

"Enough foul bitch. Chill the fuck out and prepare for the King's judgement or I'd nail you right here and right now. With this sword. Not my other sword. Just to be clear."

Lord Stark stood up suddenly and smiled beatifically. Cersei felt a chill go down her spine at the sight. What sort of devious cunning trick has he planned-

"I am going for a walk. Don't come to find me. Not until you sort this out. Good-day gentleman," He nodded to the knights, then to Robert and then Cersei.

And then he left the pavilion.

Robert shoved Sir Selmy away and spat at the grounds. His eyes were swelling and his left cheek was bruised purple.

"Well I'll be damned. That bitch punch like...like a damned Baratheon."

He walked over and pulled Piggot upright. She tried to punch him, but Jamie had a blade besides her jugular almost immediately.

"If you touch the King, I will gut you."

Robert grabbed a still standing brass cup of wine and drowned it, purple liquid dribbling down his bearded chin.

"Who the fuck are you 'lass?"

Piggot snarled, "Emily Piggot. Director of the Parahuman Response Team East-North-East. Who the fuck are you?"

Robert grinned, "I am the King."

"Fat King."

"You bitch!"

He lunged for her, but was restrained by Sir Selmy, "Your majesty, enough!"

Robert suddenly bursted out laughing.

"Bwahahahaha. I hadn't had a beating like that since my boyhood years. Hell, just for the fight alone, I will break bread with you. Sir Hugo say you are a stranger? Do women from your land always fight this ferociously for petty slights against their person?"

The fat woman stood up and Jamie immediately tried to slash her throat-

But she had a big metal object pointed at his face.

Jamie didn't know why, but his warrior's instinct screamed at him to stand very very still.

Robert blinked in shock.

"What is that?"

"That's my weapon. Now, I want you to apologize. For the comments about my body."

Robert growled, "It was an innocent comment. It is only natural for a man to wonder-"

Piggot pointed skywards and pressed the tigger. When the hammer of the gun (that was also a sliver of Mjolnir) clacked, it did something truly mystical.

The bullet that exploded from the barrel rode a stream of lightning that blasted apart the entire Pavilion, exposing the entire court to the winds and rain outside.

Thunder rumbled distantly in the sky as storm clouds gather.

Piggot's voice was the fury

"I am Emily Piggot, daughter of the Storm. Apologize or I will shatter this kingdom to pieces. I am tired, hungry and confused. I am supposed to hold back the night- whatever the fuck that means Grandpa- and you're annoying me."

Robert was still staring at her in awe. And then he bursted out laughing and grabbing Piggot, he chest-bumped her.

"Ha, you must be a cousin! A fellow child of Durran no doubt!"

"I am not-"

"Come drink with me!"

Piggot growled, "If you don't apologize, I will shoot this blond fucker over here."

She gave Jamie a once over and nodded in approval.

"Not bad looking, kinda like Calvert and Max- they both have the whole blonde thing going on. This one is probably a sister-fucker though."

Jamie's face went pale, as did Cersei's and Robert laughed.

"Ha! That's a good title for the Kingslayer. Go ahead and shoot home, I don't care about him. Sister fucker indeed-"

Then he stopped laughing because he suddenly remembered who the Kingslayer's sister was.

"That's my wife you're talking about, you fat pig!"

"You fat bastard!"

Piggot dropped her gun and lunged for Robert's throat and began to strangle him. Sir Selmy roared in alarm and tried to pry her hands off the King's neck.

Cersei however, caught Jamie's eyes and calmly walked over- and picked up the gun.

"Bwahahaha!"

She pointed the six-shooter at Piggot who had frozen along with everyone else, terrified by the prospect that Cersei now was holding a thunder weapon of the storm gods themselves.

"Step aside woman, or I will smite you."

Piggot smirked.

"Go ahead, bitch."

Cersei roared and willed thunder and lightning to smote the whore.

Nothing happened.

"What? How can this b-"

The last thing she saw was grubby fingers rolled up into a fist breaking her nose.

And then there was darkness.

 

[Tobi'sAGoodBoy]

Nah. She knows her self-worth and don't let society's media distortions fuck with her self-esteem. That's why she buys Dove. #RealBeauty

Click to shrink...

Dove? The soap that takes a few minutes to remove from your skin? Fuck that

Also, man if this fic were posted on the resident "Crack thread" it'd be called shitposting. Thank you for bringing Crack into SV

 

[Numen]

Dove? The soap that takes a few minutes to remove from your skin? Fuck that

Also, man if this fic were posted on the resident "Crack thread" it'd be called shitposting. Thank you for bringing Crack into SV

Click to shrink...

But Dove has a campaign for REAL BEAUTY and Self-Esteem! Piggot is all emotional when she watch those viral ads about little girls with low self esteem. She's an idealist. And in this one issue, she agrees with the liberal snowfakes.

Just finished my midterms and before and afterwards, I was working on this chapter. Writing fanfics is good stress relief, especially if it's crack. Me and crack goes way back. My first fic on this site was crack. Crackle Crackle.

 

[Kyorrikk]

...I am caught between congratulating you, facepalming, and copying Piggot's method of choice.

 

[Numen]

...I am caught between congratulating you, facepalming, and copying Piggot's method of choice.

Click to shrink...

Helping people discover their specific fetishes is why I wrote this fic.