Interlude 4 - Vitruvian
Errm, well met! It is I, the humble author of this tale, and for this Interlude I was meaning to share Dirk Gravesend's statistics with you, my estimable readership.
Just one problem… I can't find it! The Character Sheet! Arrrgh! I had it right here too, where could it have gone…
"Ahhh! After Ten Thousand Years, I'm Free! Time to Conquer…. Oh, hello there, my
captive audience. Rejoice, for it is I,
MeGon (The "g" is silent)! And what's that in your hands? Back at me, I have it, it's the Character Sheet for our brave Protagonist
Dirk Gravesend nee Ted! Look again, the Character Sheet is a tag team commentary featuring
moi, and some two bit fiction author."
… I
don't believe this.
"Believe it, word-monkey! Anything is possible when you are a Greater Deity squatting in Limbo's maw of Chaos and not some mortal living in a progenitor's basement. I'm on a brass dragon named Shkiv.
1 Now, oooooon with the show!"
Dirk Gravesend
Lawful Neutral (LN), Human (Medium Humanoid), Factotum Level 2,
Hit Points: 18,
Armor Class: 15,
Movement Speed: 30 ft,
Saves: Fortitude 2, Reflex 3, Will 0
"Can't say I approve of the honour branded stick-in-the-mud tenor of this Blink-dog and Hippogriff show so far."
As
the Lawful Neutral deity, Guildmistress Glorianna would of course be partial towards those with a similar inclination. There is no mortal on Vesperum more obsessed with rules than Dirk Gravesend is.
"Hmph. Rules are there to be broken. Just look at me, I've flouted every law, both natural and mystical, and I turned out fine!"
If you wanted a gibbering maniac as a protagonist, you should have done the summoning, you reprehensible kleptomaniac!
"Ah, flattery will get you everywhere."
Ability Scores
Strength 10 (Modifier: 0)
Dexterity 10 (Modifier: 0)
Constitution 14 (Modifier: +2)
Intelligence 20 (Modifier: +5)
Wisdom 10 (Modifier: 0)
Charisma 12 (Modifier: +1)
So while Dirk might be slightly tilted towards certain proclivities…
"By Arneson's hoary face-shag!
2 The lad has the metal prowess to rival a Mind Flayer!"
… yes, our Dirk is quite sharp *a-heh* (
Intelligence), a genius even, by mortal standards. As we have seen, that has thus far proven to be the thin line between life and death, victory and defeat for him. But he is, as well, above average in the departments of being charming (
Charisma) and physical stamina and toughness (
Constitution).
"Forsooth! But haven't you've done it by cutting him off at the dangling Flumphs
3 everywhere else! (if you know what I mean.)" *gesture meaningfully with thumb and elbow*
.. Your meaning is unfortunately not lost on me, but what you refer to so vulgarly just means that he has no particular weaknesses, yes? An ability score of ten merely indicates that he conforms to the societal average.
"If Dirk's tale flows from your quill, so to speak, why do you not make him a paragon of humanity? Go ahead and give him a nice round twenty in everything!
MeGon (the "g" is silent) Vult!"
Two reasons, firstly, that would be unrealistic, unnatural and an affront to my readers. Dirk will rise or fall by his wits and thews, that was the promise I made with them, and I intend to keep it.
"Dare I ask what foolery you have for Reason: the second of his name?"
I too follow the rules set down in your world, if I were to do as you say, I would be cheating the very system I use to tell my tale.
"What's the harm in a little cheating now and then?"
I could have bet actual money that you'd say that.
Skills (With Ranks in them)
Diplomacy 14 (5 Ranks)
Craft (Poisonmaking) 12 (5 Ranks)
Craft (Alchemy) 12 (5 Ranks)
Disable Device 12 (5 Ranks)
Perception (Search) 12 (5 Ranks)
Knowledge (Nature) 10 (5 Ranks)
Knowledge (Local) 10 (5 Ranks)
Knowledge (Nobility) 10 (5 Ranks)
Perception (Listen and Spot) 7 (5 Ranks)
Tumble 7 (5 Ranks)
Balance 7 (5 Ranks)
Bluff 6 (5 Ranks)
Spellcraft 6 (1 Rank)
Forgery 6 (1 Rank)
Knowledge (Arcana) 6 (1 Rank)
Knowledge (Religion) 6 (1 Rank)
Knowledge (Dungeoneering) 6 (1 Rank)
"… you were saying something about not wanting to cheat? You're more two faced than Demogorgon!
4"
By which you are accusing me of something, Mr. Pot?
"Har-de-har, I make the jokes here, and don't you forget it. Look at those skills! He's practically a master in a full
EIGHT of them, and the remaining
NINE aren't far behind! If there's one thing I know about, it's being a tricky-dicky, and believe me when I say
NO mortal has this kind of ability, especially at
Level Two!"
Well, Dirk is pretty special, I'll grant you. He's a human for one!
Whee! Why only almost half of the population of Port Prosperity are humans!
"*mumble* *grumble*… Get to the point you sarcastic as…"
Well, humans, being so very special, get an extra skill point at every level…
"That still doesn't…"
And Dirk has been putting his Favoured Class Bonus into an extra skill point at every level…
5
"That's still nowhere near…"
And Factotums, if nothing else, are known for their forte in a wide variety of pursuits. They inherently have the second highest number of skill points to distribute each level.
"Err…"
And finally, as we've already established, Dirk is at the far edge of the bell-curve for Intelligence. With his intellect, he has a grand total of five extra skill points per level of his growth.
"Hmph. All right, all right. So maybe he
should have more skills than you can shake a Ruby Rod at. But answer me this, Mr. Oh-So-Smug, how does he have that unearthly Diplomacy score? We know he's 'merely' charming, not literally my gift to women! (That, by the way, would of course be
ME, if you were wondering, Ladies…)" *Wink.*
… I can't even… Right. Unlike yourself, Dirk has recognized the subtle utility of Diplomacy, and to use it to greatest effect he has worked on other skills that
synergize well with it, namely Bluff, Sense Motive and Knowledge (Nobility). Each of these other skills grants a bonus to Diplomacy, boosting it to the current, admittedly extremely proficient, level. It is nothing if not a calculated move on Dirk's part and… are you listening to me?!
*Snork!* "Wassat?! You'll have to repeat yourself m'boy. I must have nodded off after you stopped talking about me."
*sigh* Moving on…
Feats (and Flaws)
(Feat: 1st Level) Wild Talent (Psionic Minor Creation)
(Feat: Human) Master of Poisons
(Feat: From Flaw) Font of Inspiration (1 Inspiration Point)
(Feat: From Flaw) Font of Inspiration (2 Inspiration Points)
(Flaw) Murky Eyed
(Flaw) Vulnerable
"Great Tenebrous' ghost!
6 He has
four feats? At second level? Most people have but the one! And they spend it on Toughness if they know what's good for them! This is madness! (A subject I know
very intimately…)Explain yourself, word-smith!"
Hmph, I would have anyway, even without the prodding and pushing. Dirk is here playing a dangerous game, one where the stakes are literally life and death. He has chained himself with divers weaknesses, what we would term
Flaws.
"I thought you said the lad was smart? This seems more idiotic than a dozen Feebleminded Orcs!"
Casual racism too, huh? We're really going there?
"Ha! I resent that! My racism is anything but casual! I pride myself in tarring and feathering all peoples equally!"
Worse, not better! But in the interest of my precious remaining sanity, let us pretend that you were gibbering pointlessly there, blowing raspberries, making fart noises and whatnot. To answer your last query, then, each
Flaw allows you to take an extra
Feat, along with the extra feat he gets for his race, this explains how he comes to have four altogether.
But let me enumerate the
Flaws Dirk has chosen to risk:
Murky Eyed makes him less likely to strike foes with concealment, a sad side-effect of his
Two World Eyes providing too much information to quickly process for a mortal.
He is also foolhardy and incautious, which makes him more
Vulnerable in combat, enemies have an easier time hitting him. On a lesser man, I would term the combination of the two immanently lethal, but…
"The
Feats had better be the stuff of legends then!"
Well, I'll let you decide. I'll just say that he hasn't chosen them recklessly.
Wild Talent (Psionic Minor Creation) is a rare ability signifying the possessors latent talent in matters Psionic. Though modest in power, it is a truly versatile ability, allowing the temporary creation of any plant based matter up to a foot cubed in volume twice a day.
"Oh… ohhhh! That could be
very useful for one with a mind to the… unorthodox."
I'm
so glad you approve.
Master of Poisons on the other hand is a purely offensive
Feat, allowing for the safe and inhumanly rapid application of debilitating substances to weapons.
"All right, I of all people can appreciate shenanigans and bit of the Arsenic and Old Lace, but what of these two, the
Fonts of Inspiration? Ain't ever seen their like before."
Ah, to answer that, let us jump ahead to…
Class Special Abilities
Inspiration (6 points)
Cunning Insight
Cunning Knowledge
Trapfinding
Arcane Dilettante (0th level spell, 1/day)
So the Factotum is in many ways a savant, bringing their incredible focus and intelligence to bear to achieve results that in other contexts might be viewed as magical. To accomplish these feats, they have a pool of what is termed
Inspiration, which represents their particular brand of hyper-competence.
"Like, MacGuyver and Sherlock had a sardonically inclined baby!"
Firstly, I think I just vomited a bit in my mouth there. Secondly, your disgusting analogy is broadly accurate. Factotums have the following abilities, all powered by points from their
Inspiration pool (a resource boosted by the
Fonts of Inspiration Feats that I mentioned earlier):
Cunning Insight allows Factotums to analyze the flow of battle and make the right manoeuvres at the opportune moment. They apply the modifiers from their massive intellects to a wide range of combat situations, from striking a foe optimally to avoiding the primary explosive radius of a Fireball.
The innate faculty of Factotums with skills of all kinds is boosted by
Cunning Knowledge which allows them to apply a scaling bonus, once per day, to every skill check.
And finally, by observing practitioners of magic and mimicking their actions, Factotums can even cause spell like effects to occur. Of course these are extremely limited compared to a dedicated magus or sorceror, but as a
Spell Like Ability, the phenomena generated by Factotums enjoy certain advantages, including a complete lack of normally required
Verbal, or
Somatic Components.
"Perfect for casting spells on the sly! A Factotum could be gagged and bound, and they could still conjure up a storm!-"
It's gratifying for once that you understand implicitly without bringing up some puerile illustration or dadaist non-sequiter…
"-Ideal for all sorts of bedchamber escapades!"
… Walked right into that one. Well,
The Mad god, any questions before I fade back between the lines?
…
Limbo, Maw of Chaos, The Illimitable Funicular, The Hopping Throne. CA 92802
A pair of gaunt, grey frog like beings gazed silently at the red-robed gnome capering and gibbering along the back of the long suffering brass dragon. Though dressed in the garish livery of MeGon's faith, there was no mistaking them for anything but extremely unpredictable beings of massive power and cunning influence: Death Slaads!
In their croaking vernacular, one of them addressed the other. "Xaoshririv… how long does Lord MeGon usually…"
The more experienced Xaoshririv turned and shook his head, "The
Revelations take as long as they take, Muvlaotonot. While they last, we dare not interrupt. The last Death Guard to do so became that ornamental miniature bristlecone pine that now decorates the n+1 cloakroom."
From atop the long suffering colossal brass wyrm, MeGon capered and twisted, pleased with his own cleverness, as he talked to no one and everyone. "Why should Dirk get all the fun! There should be many more Factotums, with all kinds of sneaky feats! Yes! I should get my blessed right on that!"
Muvlaotonot shuddered with impatience but the strain of the wait was becoming evident on his face, "But Ygorl, Lord of Entropy,
7 is about to storm the Hopping Throne leading a legion of fanatic brother Slaads to reclaim his mount…"
Xaoshririv, in clipped tones, uttered one sentence, he said it like a command, "Miniature. Bristlecone. Pine." and both of the Death Slaad Death Guards fell silent once again as they continued to pay witness to their god's madness…
