[Marvel Cineverse] Tony Stark Aims to Please - AJN

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[Marvel Cineverse] Tony Stark Aims to Please - AJN
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AndrewJTalon..CH_01a - Tony&Jarvis, Natasha, Showers, CameraDrones, ForSteve, Capt.America, PepperPotts


Tony Stark Aims to Please

An "The Avengers" one shot by Andrew J. Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. "The Avengers" is the property of Disney, Marvel, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Please support the official release.

- - - - - -

Hands on tinkering had not been a pleasure to Tony Stark for a long time - More like a way of life, a life saving habit. He was a mechanic and a superhero and that had pushed his engineering skills in the direction of the practical. Better weapons, better armor, better programming languages, making an entirely new transactinide element.

Well, rediscovering it. How the damn stuff didn't have a half-life of less than a second was still something he was working out.

The point was: All of that had been for pressing, immediate purposes. Like saving the world. Or saving the world again. Or saving his own life, and sometimes saving the world at the same time. He was Tony Stark, master of multitasking when it came to potential...

"JARVIS? What is the plural of 'apocalypse'?" Tony asked as he looked up from his work table in Avenger's Tower. The AI responded promptly.

"Apocalypses, sir."

"Really? Not apocalypsi? Just tack on an extra 's' and you're good?" Tony asked, somehow annoyed by it. It seemed to diminish the fact that they'd gone through more than one potentially world ending scenario.

Then again, he supposed it wasn't the kind of thing most people had to look up.

"I could run through the thesaurus sir, but more than likely your attention will wander by the time I'm done," the AI promptly responded. Tony hummed, and nodded.

"Yep, you are probably right... Entirely right, where was I?"

"Fiddling with the things on your work table, sir," JARVIS said. "Or tinkering, messing with, manipulating-"

"Yes yes, we're all very impressed with your recent vocabulary upgrade," Tony said dryly, resuming his examination of the pieces of hardware on the table. "Especially since I did it. Didn't think it would annoy me quite so much but that's me, optimist."

"What is it you are doing, Sir?" JARVIS inquired. Tony sighed.

"I'm just... Taking something apart, figuring out how it works... For fun! I haven't had a lot of fun involved in tinkering lately. Blowing stuff up can be fun but it gets repetitive after a while and when you find that repetitive, clearly something has gone wrong."

"So taking apart a gamma-"

"Uh uh uh! I'm going to put it back together and then figure out what it is," Tony said. "I might have made it into something entirely different. I've got assorted junk I found in a drawer, I could turn it into a handheld laser or floaty thing to deliver me beer or maybe a se-"

"Does Mr. Banner know you have that item?" JARVIS asked. Tony looked back down at the mess in the manner of a child pretending he had done nothing wrong.

"He'll never know it was gone, because it's a spare I found. Somewhere. Non critical. Besides, I gave him the lab and the stuff but I can borrow it because I bought it for him. It's implied. In the lease... Somewhere..."

"Of course sir," JARVIS said. "Someone is entering the level."

Tony looked up. "If it's Bruce then that makes this a very, very bad joke..."

"No sir, it is-"

Tony felt something pointy pressing against his throat, and the fabric of a certain advanced polymer catsuit pressing gently against his head. Not long enough for him to get a good feel on what said catsuit contained.

There were a lot of SHIELD agents that wore that sexy little number but only one that could enter his tower like this and would be so unfair.

"Natasha," he sighed.

"Stark," Natasha Romanoff, also known as the Black Widow, stated.

"Hello Miss Romanoff, your skill at the evasion of my internal sensors has increased dramatically," JARVIS complimented.

"Thank you JARVIS," Natasha replied.

Tony glared up at the ceiling. "You're complimenting her while she has a knife to my throat. Classy JARVIS, really."

"He must get it from you," Natasha said in a cold, deadly purr. She dropped a small silver sphere on the table, where it landed with a metallic thunk. It was about the size of a grape. "What is this?"

"Would you care to be more specific?" Tony asked, a bit confused. The Black Widow reached down and tapped the sphere. It sprouted four tiny metallic tentacles, and stood up on them like a clumsy spider. It turned, a single blue eye staring up at Stark. Tony's eyes widened in recognition.

"Oh! Little camera drone-"

"What was it doing in my shower?" Natasha asked dangerously, the tip of her knife digging into Tony's jugular. The genius coughed. Very carefully.

"Now... Let's talk about this logically, Natasha. You can't exactly kill me in my own Tower. Especially after I got you that nice new level and everything-"

"I can still hurt you in ways you will really not enjoy," Natasha growled deep in her throat.

"And you're kind of failing on denying me enjoyment because that is really-Ow ow ow!" Tony winced. "Look, let me explain-"

"One drone wandering around, inspecting things, accidentally glimpsing me in the shower wouldn't piss me off," Natasha explained, her other hand gripping his shoulder painfully.

"Get that enough on the SHIELD helicarrier, huh?"

"You have no idea... Two? You could make the excuse and maybe I'd just tell Pepper and let her give you hell."

Tony winced. "Now that... That's just not fair..."

"But four. In my shower. All at the same time?" Natasha growled. "And with active camouflage? What are you, a thirteen year old boy?"

Tony was really not entirely sure what part of this incident the Black Widow was more upset about, but he decided he'd just cut to the quick before Natasha got any more murderous.

And fortunately, the truth was on his side.

"It was for Steve."

The knife digging into his neck wavered. "What...?"

Damn the fact he had no mirror-Seeing what had to be a spectacularly wonderful gobsmacked expression on the Black Widow's face would have made Tony's month.

"Steve Rogers, you know, Captain America, our resident all American nice guy has been sneaking looks at you ever since you two met," Tony said quickly. "Guy's got the social graces you'd expect and he's been checking you out. So I thought I'd get him a nice gift, help him loosen up and given the outfit you go around in I didn't think you'd mind-"

"You knew I'd catch you though."

"Thought had occurred, yeah, but think of it this way," Tony went on, trying out his most sincere voice on the irritated assassin. "It would involve you getting Steve Rogers, Captain Freaking America, hot and bothered over you. Now you've got to have some kind of female pride and that has to be one hell of a boost to it, right?"

"Are you saying I'm insecure in my feminity?" Natasha asked in a deadly tone.

"I didn't say that, I didn't-JARVIS! Did I at any point say that?" Tony asked.

"No sir, you did not," JARVIS dutifully replied.

"See? Besides, you get him sputtering and blushing and denying it but you totally know he is going to keep it. Like, in some weird forties romantic sort of keepsake," Tony said.

"Porn. Romantic," Natasha asked flatly. Tony shrugged.

"Romance is porn for women, I thought..."

Natasha sighed. "Well... You're not lying."

"I notice you still haven't removed the knife."

"Nope. I want something in return."

"Again, given you can't kill me-"

"Pepper."

"You'd really call my girlfriend on me. Really?"

"I will admit, she's far better at causing you pain. I don't have the patience to figure out all the ways to make you hurt."

"All right... What do you want?"

"Two things. I will let you get away with this little present for Cap... On my terms." She had almost removed the knife entirely from his throat, but he still felt the pressure and really felt no inclination to move.

"I know a guy, great editor-" He tried. The pressure increased. "Ulp..."

"JARVIS handles it and you don't see any of it."

"Oh come on-"

"Pepper."

"... Fine. And the second?"

She took the drone up and removed the knife entirely. Tony turned his head enough to see her face.

"... You put these in Steve's shower... For me," she said. Tony blinked, several times.

"And... If he asks me about it?"

Was that...? No. It had to be a trick of the light. The Black Widow did not blush. She gave him a little smirk.

"Just point him in my direction, if he wants some... Answers."

Tony stared for a long moment. "You do realize that getting him to do anything-"

"Who says I want him to do anything?" The Black Widow asked with a disdainful sniff. "I'm just keeping you from getting hurt, Tony. Violating a lady's privacy like that, tut tut. Whatever would Steve think of your little scheme?" She tossed the drone to him, and casually walked to the elevator doors. "Better have five of those things in his shower, Stark - And in HD."

Tony stared after her as the doors closed. He sighed and shook his head... And waited until he'd turned back to the worktable to grin. He turned off the drone.

"Sir, I don't think you're quite as good a matchmaker as you think," JARVIS pointed out.

"Now now JARVIS, I haven't even gotten to Phase 2 yet," Tony admonished his creation. "Besides... If it does pan out, oh, the sweet taste of revenge is going to make it all worth it."

"And if you are merely progressing in a direction Miss Romanoff wanted you to go in?" JARVIS asked. Tony shrugged.

"I'm still going to be able to laugh at Steve's expense."

He double checked that the drone was really off though. Just in case.

- - - - -

Fin






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AndrewJTalon..CH_02a - Tony, Bruce, Tinkering, For Hill,DanversCarterDyne, ShippingWCap
amlawren3833 said:
Tony (adjusting the drone, pressing a button, and causing it to disappear): Okay, there is the last one.

Bruce: Why did I talk you into making me do this.

Tony: Because you and me are best friends and you owe me for sleeping through our last session.

Bruce: Damnit Tony, I'm a doctor, not a psychologist.

Tony (Glares): You just had to say it.

Bruce: Oh come on, I've wanted to say that since I was five!

Tony: Yeah, whatever geek.

Bruce: So why exactly are you setting up cameras to take pictures of Steve?

Tony (Looks Bruce seriously in the eye): I want to help our dear friend. He has been transplanted across time, and in many ways he lost everyone who was important to him. Thus, we are helping him emotionally by setting him up with a wonderful woman who will help him overcome the many, many issues he has.

Bruce:...your doing it for the lols aren't you.

Tony (Just as Seriously): Oh f**k yeah!
Bruce: And if you're helping him to find the woman of his dreams... Why are you making these videos available to not just Romanoff, but also Hill... Danvers... Carter... Janet Van Dyne?

Tony: Hey, the best stuff in life comes about thanks to fair and equal competition. It's free market economics. All these women want a shot at Rogers so I'm giving them that shot.

Bruce: And the fact you've got a betting pool going for who actually bags him, nothing to do with it?

Tony: ... Well technically I'm the bookie so I make money no matter who wins so I'm ensuring a fair and equal distribution. Now, can I put you down for any of these fair ladies in particular?

Bruce: ... Hulk and I put $100 on Danvers.

Tony: Unconventional and yet big enough to be confident. Why?

Bruce: Last time the Big Guy went on a rampage, she piloted an F-35 and engaged me at close range. Hulk ripped her plane apart. She jumped out and started shooting her sidearm at me.

Tony: Uh huh?

Bruce: From 3,000 feet up. Didn't pull her chute until she ran out of bullets.

Tony: Damn... Okay... That is quite a ringing endorsement, if Hulk's shipping her with Cap.

Bruce: And best part of all, if I win... *Little grin* Nobody's going to be late with payments.

Tony: You are a bad, bad man.

Bruce: Pot calling kettle?

Tony: Okay, point...




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AndrewJTalon..CH_03a - Tony, Bruce, Babelicious HulkWomen, Betty&Ross, IncredibleBlush

Another idea I've played around with is how to do the Red Hulk saga without it sucking. And the solution is fairly obvious: Betty and Ross both become Red Hulks in the same accident (perhaps arranged by The Leader, Samuel Sterns, to try and create more Hulks) and Bruce now has to track them down and save them from themselves.

Tony: So... If she also turns into a Hulk... A red hot, literally, babelicious Hulk woman...

Bruce: Tony, please-

Tony: I'm just saying! That sex thing is kind of easily resolved!

Bruce: It's not that simple-

Tony: You'd probably need somewhere secluded, quiet, and romantic, like the Nevada Test Site...

Bruce: Tony!

Tony: Little mood music, set to cannons - Dear God, can you imagine how we'd corner the market on porn? I mean there's nothing else like it! Though only the bravest people would watch. Well, bravest and most depraved-

Bruce: Tony, you should really-

Tony: Oh come on. You're the incredible Hulk, not the incredible Blush. Little embarrassment won't kill you or me.

Bruce: No matter how much I want it to?

Tony: Exactly.




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AndrewJTalon..CH_04a - Clint&Rogers, DateNatasha?, OpenHeart, ArrowQuivers


- - - - - -

"You know Clint, I've been meaning to ask you something," Steve Rogers said as he and Clint Barton sat down to lunch in the Helicarrier's mess hall. Clint raised an eyebrow and then smirked slightly.

"Oh?"

"Yes... It may be a bit personal but-"

"Ah ah ah, say no more Cap," Clint said, waving his hand. "I understand completely but let me sum it up for you: You don't need to ask my permission to date Natasha."

Steve's eyes widened. "Wait, wha-?"

"Natasha and I... I thought there might have been something there but the truth is we're... Partners," Clint said. He shook his head. "And she can look after herself so I won't make the whole 'Big Brother with a shotgun' speech."

"That's not-"

"But you know, if she is willing to open her heart up to you, you'd better not screw it up," Clint said. "I don't care how super you are, I know lots of ways to deal with you. Not because I'll be wanting to avenge Natasha, oh no." The archer grinned rather nastily. "But because I'll be sparing you from what she'll do to you."

Steve stared at Clint. "... I just wanted to know how you fit so many arrows into that quiver of yours."

Clint's keen eyes stayed fixed on Steve's. He took a deep breath. "Ah... The shafts are made of a nano assembling carbon polymer. Little robots that build the shafts and the fletching from some raw materials stored in the core. The only things I have to carry are the arrowheads, which the shafts fit into depending on what situation I'm dealing with. I can carry about forty to fifty arrows this way-I still reuse as many as I can but it does give me a lot more than I otherwise could."

Steve nodded. "That's good to know for tactical purposes. Still want you carrying a sidearm as a backup defense though, and a knife."

Clint smiled. "Right. They've got a new progressive model in the shop I've been meaning to try out. Looks a little like Sulu's from Star Trek."

Steve was blank. Clint coughed. "Nevermind..." He rose, meal finished. "By the way," and here the archer smiled, "I meant what I said about Natasha."

Steve sputtered, which Hawkeye just grinned at as he headed out.


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AndrewJTalon..CH_05a - Natasha&Tony, ScorpionSpider, RecurringVillians


- - - - -

Tony really didn't talk to Natasha enough. Sure, he could never be sure if she was telling the truth or not but frankly, she was an amazing storyteller. And she really livened up an otherwise boring evening in the SHIELD helicarrier's onboard lab.

Why he'd signed up for the rotating duty was beyond him. But it was probably something he promised Pepper while drunk or while she was wearing that sexy little number he made up for her. He really couldn't resist her in either case.

"So, this guy was like 'I am the Spider's Bane! My metallic tail will let me murder you, little spider, just as easily as-Urk!'"

Tony blinked. "He actually said 'urk'?"

"I'm paraphrasing," Natasha admitted. "He probably had trouble being articulate after I nailed him in the throat with a taser dart."

"Oh," Tony said with a nod. "Ya know, the scorpion thing is a bit... Weird."

"Yeah but it seems to be a thing with the Spider kid's foes," Natasha said. "I mean, Lizard, Octopus, Vulture, Rhino-"

"That's a lot of bad guys targeting one hero," Tony said with a whistle. "I'm almost jealous."

"They're kind of coming out of the woodwork," Natasha said with a shake of her head. "I guess they're trying to expand their reps beyond 'I got taken down by a teenager who makes quips and shoots sticky stuff at me.'"

"Yeah, that would be kind of humiliating," Tony agreed, taking a sip.

"What about you?" Natasha asked. "Surely you have a recurring villain or two?"

"Nah, I tend to kill my bad guys. Much easier. Also it's self defense so I'm in the clear," Tony said. "I mean, I don't enjoy it..."

"Yeah, you don't," Natasha said with a nod. "You'd be kind of gungho about it, or have a creepy edge that would only make the really twisted girls want to sleep with you."

"What, the playboy billionaire genius philanthropist part wouldn't be enough to overcome that?"

"Nope."

"Sure?'

"Yes."

"What if she was like, really drunk?"

"Well then it's not much of a challenge for anyone, is it?" Natasha asked dryly. Tony frowned.

"I dunno, I've had some experiences-"

"You want to hear about me fighting the giant bug man or not?"

"Okay, okay, giant bug man fight. Sorry," Tony said, sipping his water. "Sheesh..."

- - - - - -


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FanboyimusPrime..CH_06a - Pym&Bruce, O'Grady&McCarthy, InvisibleWoman&Wolverine



"It was the strangest thing," Hank Pym stated as he sat at the table in the SHIELD commissary the Avengers used. "I believe I just had an encounter with beings from another dimension in my lab."
"So what happened?" Bruce asked as he put down his cup of decaf coffee.
"Agent O'Grady and McCarthy were helping me in my lab when Invisible Woman and that one member of the X-Men...the one with claws..." Pym said trying to recall the man's name.
"Wolverine," Banner supplied.
"Yes him and Mrs. Richards said something about killing me to save the future and Agent O'Grady hit that... Wolverine... in the groin with a crowbar while I shrank down Invisible Woman and have her in my...." Pym said and sighed. "Hamster cage."
Banner just looked at him.
"It was the only convenient place," Pym defended. "I have been working on a project to store super villains at small size for SHIELD...just that it hasn't even reached the prototype stage yet."
"Right," Banner said. "Now what did you do with Wolverine?"
"We had to pull O'Grady off him as he was beating the man with that crowbar," Hank sighed. "I would shrink him down, but gent McCarthy pointed out a man with admantium claws getting around in the air vents is a bad idea so he had security take him away."
"And why are you telling me this?" Bruce asked.
"Because I figured you'd be one of the few people to believe it."
Doctor Banner shrugged. "Well you do have a point there."

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AndrewJTalon..CH_07a - Maria&Steve, Treadmill, Drooling, Sharon, Liaison, FuryOrders


Prince Charon said:
I think the Steve in the scene was a Skrull, and Tony just figured out the minimum amount of time how long the Cap-Skrull had been around.​
Yeah, that works. Things would go a bit more like this with the real Cap:

- - - - -

Maria: Steve.

*In the gym, he was running the treadmill*

Steve: Lieutenant Hill. *Nods politely*

*And keeps running*

Maria: Doing a lot of running I see. *Adjusts hair*

Steve: Yep.

Maria: *Watching him run, well, more watching his face, and his arms, and the way his muscles moves and then his legs and back up to his butt, and then right back to his face when he looks at her again* I was wondering if you needed any assistance with anything... not here specifically, but in general.

Steve: Er... I don't follow.

*Was she... drooling?*

Maria: Well, adjustment to the present can't be easy, sir. And I know SHIELD's been trying but frankly, they could use a more personal touch. *Smiles* And I was hoping we could be more than just colleagues.

Steve: Well... I-I'd really like that, Lieutenant Hill-

Maria: Maria.

Steve: That... Isn't appropriate-

Maria: SHIELD's a bit weird like that, Cap. But trust me, you can call me by my real name.

Steve: I... Sure, Maria. If you call me Steve in return.

Maria: *Warm smile that makes Steve blush* Certainly... Steve.

Sharon Carter: Hello Captain! *Salutes* Nice to see you, sir.

Maria: *Eyebrow twitch* Agent Carter. What brings you down here?

Sharon: Ah... I have my orders, ma'am. I've been assigned as Captain Rogers' liaison.

Steve: *Raised eyebrow* Liaison?

Sharon: Yes sir. I will do anything you want or need... *Especially her! She seemed to be silently screaming*

Steve: Ah... I don't need an assistant or secretary or anything like that...

Maria: *Frowns* Captain Rogers is fine, it seems...

Sharon: Colonel Fury ordered this-

Steve: And I don't take orders from him.

Sharon: Er... *Looks hurt. Steve coughs*

Steve: It's not you personally though! Really! I'm sure you're a wonderful liaison but I just don't need that-

Maria: See? Now go get a move on.

*The two women exchange deadly expressions. Steve looks back and forth between them, a bit confused*

Sharon: ... I'm on my downtime... I was just going to... Exercise, ma'am.

Maria: Fancy that, so was I, let's go exercise over there. *She leads Sharon off*

Steve: ... *Slowly looks over to SHIELD agent Sam Wilson, aka the Falcon, who is lifting weights nearby* Uh... Sam? You have any idea what that was about?

Sam: Cap? I do... And with respect, it is not something I want to get in the middle of. Good luck though.

Steve: *blinks*



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Damar..CH_08a - Escort 6-0; F=35; CaptainRogers, WomenChasing


Speeding this up a little...
----------------------------------------------

"Escort 6-0, proceed to the Wishbone and await further instructions."

"Copy that." The F-35 pilot could not help but feel a nervous deja vu, the last time he ventured near that area of the helicarrier, he spent the next several months on psychiatric counseling just to stop waking up screaming.

But thus far, he had not heard of any fighting onboard the ship, or Bruce Banner being present. That was a plus.

As he approached the scientific heart of the ship, rebuilt after Hulk and Thor tore it to bits what Loki's attack left intact, it seemed relatively quiet.

Than he saw people, running past the large observatory windows. First one, than a whole group of shapes, running to the left, before the one lone shape ran to the right, much faster than any human had right to. It looked like the loner was getting surrounded on both sides.

The next moment, the window exploded in shards and a dark shape hurled through the air in his direction, causing the pilot to scream 'Not Again!' and start steering the plane away in reflex. But before he could get away, the shape landed near the canopy, and rammed something round into the hull to keep him attached and fall of the mid-air suspended aircraft.

The pilot stopped his screaming, and realized the figure that jumped onto his plane was not a nine-foot green monstrosity, but a 6-foot blue-jumpsuited Captain America, who despite the altitude didn't seem to have an issue with breathing. He seemed red-faced and extremely embarassed, simply nodding to the pilot.

"Escort 6-0, sorry we kept you in the dark but we couldn't be sure this frequency wasn't tapped due to the people involved. Transport Captain Rogers to the nearest airfield, and if necessary be prepared off to fight pursueing aircraft until he reaches safety."

The pilot assumed this was all part of a really weird joke, until he took a gander at the exposed window section, and saw a group of women, whom he mostly knew of by reputation, and even if half of those were true than he was peeking at the most dangerous collection of female operatives in the world, who were all standing and staring right back at him, or better said Rogers who seemed anxious to get further away. And as some began to turn around and presumably head for the flight deck to give chase, the pilot himself was rather compelled to make his getaway.

There goes another series of sessions with Dr. Samson, and he didn't even know what this was about.


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FanboyimusPrime..CH_09a - FantasticFour, Movie, Thing&Reed, Johnny&Sue, DoomAnnoy, MakeBetterMovie


There was a stunned silence in the living room of the Fantastic Four as the movie that had been made about them ended.
"Hmmmm..." the Thing said to break the silence. "I think I got off pretty well in that. And they got Matchhead perfectly."
"I think we're the only two that think they did a good job," Johnny remarked. Mr. Fantastic did a hand gesture.
"I am not offended," Reed admitted. "Not enamored with it, and believe the actor's performance was a bit flat but it was serviceable."
Sue was swearing under her breath and had a very annoyed look on her face.
"How dare they have some flavor of the month actress play me," she groused thankfully without her invisible forcefields flexing or hitting things.
Thing thought for a moment and if he had normal skin would have paled. "What do you think Doom is going to do about this?"
In the basement of the Latverian Embassy in Washington DC Doom raged. He had seen the movie over his spy cameras in the Baxter Building and he was not pleased by what they had done with him.
"They picked a lackluster fool from nip/tuck to portray DOOM?! Even Noah Antwiller would have been a superior choice!"
He prowled what would have been called by many the most awesome mancave in existence. A massive brick fireplace dominated one corner, tasteful paintings covered the walls, a massive 90 inch flat screen TV was at one end of the room. Massive comfortable sofas and chairs were all over a room that rivaled many penthouses.
"I will not take it lying down!" Doom proclaimed. "But I cannot simply invade the US over the basis of a film, no. I am not Namor!"
Then suddenly Doom had an idea. "DOOM shall make a far superior movie!"
After all he could hire actors and such for the scenes....and use the real thing as stuntmen for the action scenes of the film. And with a bit of work they won't know that until it was on the big screen.
Doctor Doom laughed in triumph. With a little luck this was going to be more damaging to those that made the film than simply attacking them head on.


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amlawren3833..CH_10a - Tony&Steve, PUNCHINGbag, Clint&Thor, Maria&Carol, Fury, Jennifer


Tony felt like he was about to cry. He had never felt this level of betrayal. Not when his father had died leaving him alone. Not when Stane had attempted to kill him and Pepper. Not even when Rhodey had stolen his armor. No, as he felt the old sweat lining the boxing gloves that he had been forced into, he sent the last few looks he was sure he would have at his former teammates. The four of them were simply sitting there, all wearing stupid shit-eating grins like they were having the times of their lives. Bruce was chuckling as he wiped his glasses with his handkerchief, Hawkeye made a gesture similar to one cutting his own throat, Thor was laughing loudly, proclaiming that this would be a fight worthy of the halls of Valhalla, all the while holding a small gong in his hand.

And in he tight black cat suit was the one responsible. Natasha waved to him, clearly not understanding the vicious hate he had for her at the current moment. He was in this situation because of her. It was her fault that there had been the cameras in the shower. It had been her fault that he had gone one joke to far. It had been her fault that he was about to-.

The door on the opposite side swung open, and Tony could feel his adams apple fall fight next to his rather damaged liver. Standing there, with a simple white T-Shirt, and a pair of red, white and blue boxing shorts, was Captain America. Tony almost turned tail and ran at that sight, but by this point, he knew he could not escape. The others would capture him, and put him back in the ring. His thoughts only grew darker when the Captain lifted himself over the ropes of the ring. The Captain turned to the others.

"Ring the bell!" the man shouted, and with a great smile, Thor slammed his hammer into the gong.

"Listen, Steve. I am-"

Any apology that Tony might have attempted was cut off rather quickly by the fist that collided with his nose, sending the philanthropist skidding across the ring. The three males in the audience cheered loudly, while Natasha simply clapped quietly, her smile growing ever so slightly.

"One punch!" Clint guffawed, trying his best to not fall over backwards, "One punch and he knocks the prick down," Clint had been rather peeved that Tony had sent his current girlfriend to see Cap naked. He may be fine with Steve dating Natasha, but he did have some pride.

"Stand up Man of Iron!" Thor shouted, waving his hammer in the air, "surely you can do better against the Captain than this. Have you no pride?"

"Oh for the love of," Tony groaned, using the ropes to pick him back up again. A second later, another punch collidied with his gut, and he collapsed again.

"I can't help but feel that there is a certain amount of karma in this," Bruce said to Natasha, who nodded quickly before turning their attention back to the fight.

"Look Cap," Tony said, pulling himself away for a second, with one fist still in a blocking position, "I understand that your miffed, but don't you think you are overreacting?"

Another fist to the face was all the answer Cap gave. Tony groaned again, and just laid there for a while, until he heard the bell ring a again.

"The first round goes to the Captain!" Thor announced, before walking up onto the arena, and lifting Tony up.

"Oh thank god," Tony coughed, feeling blood drip down from his nose, "Its over."

"Not at all Stark," Thor laughed, patting the man on the back, "it is a best of five match. You still have a chance!"

"...Mother."

(LINE BREAK)

"You know, I really don't know what's sexier," Maria Hill said from her position along the upper cat walk of the gym, "his body or the fact that he is knocking Stark's teeth out."

"His body, I mean look, you can totally see his sculpted ass from here" Carol Danvers practically drooled. Hill sighed. Carol was her best friend, and as a pilot and fighter, she had nothing but respect for the woman. But she could not help but sometimes think that she was a bit of a pig.

"I'm more of a pecs man myself," Janet Van Dye, a contractor who was the benefactor of several scientists working for SHIELD, most notably Harry Pym, the man who was experimenting with the creation of giants, offered. Jan was also having a few experiments done on herself, to see what she could do with Pym's machine shrinking her down.

"Come off it you two," Hill growled, "we need to be more mature than that. We can't just think of Cap as a slab of meat. He is intelligent, kind, and genuinely polite."

"So what's your favorite part of him?" the newest member of their group, tiny female lawyer Jennifer Walters, who had managed to get into SHIELD both under her ability to help cover suits over property damage, and her blood relation to bruce Banner.

"...the abs," Maria sighed, her head hitting the railing.

"What are you doing here?"

The four turned, and saw Nick Fury, their commander, head of SHIELD, hero of New York, and all around BAMF, staring at them with his one remaining eye. He looked over the railing, and saw the Avengers gathered and participating in the boxing match.

"We were watching them sir," Maria said quickly. Fury's eye narrowed.

"Why are we allowing this. Fighting amongst team members could lead to unnecessary injury. We can't risk...Is Cap fighting Stark?"

At that moment, the gong rang once more, and Cap lunged at Tony, landing a solid hit right where Tony's kidney was.

"...Ms. Hill, please go get me popcorn."

"But sir."

"Popcorn now!"

Maria grumbled as she walked past the now entranced Head of SHIELD, who wore a far too giddy smile for her liking.

(LINE BREAK)

"Do not worry Tony of Stark," Thor said, placing on Tony's left eye, "You still have a chance. As long as you do not lose another round, you can emerge triumphant."

Tony wanted to punch him. Almost as much as he wanted to punch Cap. The problem was that he had tried to punch Cap, had missed, and ended up with a bruised left eye. He had decided right then and there to lay down with the first hit Cap gave him in this last round, and end the nightmare that had been this afternoon. He grumbled, weakly pulled himself up into the ring, and stood across from Cap.

The gong rang, and Cap moved forward slowly. The army man raised his arm, preparing to deliver a knockout blow.

"Oh yeah, take off your pants!"

Cap suddenly stopped, and all the Avengers suddenly looked up, and saw the five standing on the rafters. Nick Fury, who had stopped in mid bit of popcorn. Maria Hill and Jennifer Walters, both rubbing the back of their heads in embarrassment. Janet Van Dye, who was glaring at the woman next to her, Carol Danvers, who was in the process of making several cat calls.

"Let's see it Cap," she laughed, "Take it all off. Its not like I haven't seen it already."

The Captain, blushing, quietly backed up to the edge of the ring. Silently he lifted himself out of the ring, and walked over to the locker room.

"Yes!" Thor shouted, before pointing his finger at Clint, "The captain has left before the match has ended, giving the Iron Man the win! Victory is mine! You shall pay me in the Bens good sir, and then I shall take us out for drinks!"

"You have got to be kidding me," Clint grumbled, while pulling out his wallet. Natasha seemed to be suppressing a giggle, while Bruce was simply trying to wrap his head around what just happened.

"Danvers!" Fury shouted, "I want you in my office now!"

"What did I do!"

"You lost me the chance to see Stark tasting more knuckles!"

"And she did commit sexual harassment sir," Jennifer spoke up.

"That too."

"...wait, I won," Tony said, "I beat Captain America in a boxing match," his smile covered his entire face, "wait till I tell Pepper."

Then he fell down, unconscious by the time he hit the floor.




===============


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AndrewJTalon..CH_11a - AnotherVers; Tony&Steve, PunchingBag, Advices, Clint, Mother, Bandages&IcePacks


Funny, t
amlawren3833 said:
"...wait, I won," Tony said, "I beat Captain America in a boxing match," his smile covered his entire face, "wait till I tell Pepper."

Then he fell down, unconscious by the time he hit the floor.​
As funny as this is, this Cap? Skrull. SKRULLLL. I can imagine the fight going a bit more like this with the real Steve:

- - - - - - -

"Ring the bell!" the man shouted, and with a great smile, Thor slammed his hammer into the gong.

"Listen, Steve. I am sorry. Really, really sorry," Tony said, gloves up.

"Oh come on, hit him already!" Hawkeye cried.

"Thanks for the encouragement Legolas," Tony muttered, both fists up to protect his face. Please God I don't believe in, don't let him hit me in the face first.

"What are you talking about?" Tony lowered his gloves, and got to see Cap look genuinely confused. "This isn't punishment. This is combat training. After your recent experience with the Mandarin, I'd think you could use it."

"I actually won that, ya know," Tony said in a bit of annoyance. Steve nodded.

"Yes, but next time you might not get so lucky. You've been taking boxing lessons, which is good. I can make you better."

"Oh..." Of course Steve Rogers, Captain America, wouldn't beat him up just for this entire debacle. What was he thinking?

"Now, hit me," the super soldier said patiently. Tony shrugged, and threw a punch just as Happy taught him-

And a second later he was on the mat, stars spinning in his vision.

"Oogh..."

"One punch!" Clint guffawed, trying his best to not fall over backwards, "One punch and he knocks the prick down," Clint had been rather peeved that Tony had sent his current girlfriend to see Cap naked. He may be fine with Steve dating Natasha, but he did have some pride.

"Stand up Man of Iron!" Thor shouted, waving his hammer in the air, "surely you can do better against the Captain than this. Have you no pride?"

"Oh for the love of," Tony groaned, using the ropes to pick him back up again. A second later, another punch collidied with his gut, and he collapsed again. "URK!"

"Come on Tony, I barely hit you," Steve admonished. "If this was a real fight you'd be dead by now."

"If this... Was a real fight... I'd have... Blasted you by... Now..." Tony gasped.

"Come on, back up," Steve encouraged Tony.

"I can't help but feel that there is a certain amount of karma in this," Bruce said to Natasha, who nodded quickly before turning their attention back to the fight.

"Look Cap," Tony said, pulling himself away for a second, with one fist still in a blocking position, "Isn't this a bit over the top? Little much? Can't we start with shadow boxing or a montage first?"

Another fist to the face was all the answer Cap gave. Tony groaned again, and just laid there for a while, until he heard the bell ring a again.

"The first round goes to the Captain!" Thor announced, before walking up onto the arena, and lifting Tony up.

"Oh thank god," Tony coughed, feeling blood drip down from his nose, "Its over."

"Not at all Stark," Thor laughed, patting the man on the back, "it is a best of five match. You still have a chance!"

"...Mother."

- - - - -

And I would have included this bit at the end.

- - - - -

"Well," Tony said quietly, bandages all over his face and an icepack tied to the side of his head, "could've... Been worse. He might have been angry with me..."

"He was," Natasha said. "But he got his revenge while trying to help you. It's what he does. You guys are cool now, in your sweaty, macho manly kind of way."

"... I'd feel kind of upset about that but... I think I've grown enough to accept where I have done wrong. I am wiser for the experience."

"That or the sedatives are making it hard for you to get angry," Natasha suggested. Tony looked at the IV pack by his chair... And slowly nodded.

"Yeah. That sounds more likely."

- - - - -


What do you think, is that better?




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AndrewJTalon..CH_12a - Janet&Hank, Pym, Theory, Shrunk&Resize, Suits, Nick&Dyne


And now to introduce the Cinemarvel universe versions of Hank and Janet (At least for the purposes of this fic-They'll probably get Jossed by the actual Ant-Man movie but that's not for another year or so).

- - - - -

Janet Van Dyne was a beautiful woman by anyone's estimation. Her family had made money through smart investments of the past and the right connections in the present. But all that hadn't been enough for this young woman, who deeply resented being labeled a "trust fund baby". So she'd started her own company, Van Dyne Boutique, and her fashion designs became world acclaimed.

But she'd wanted more out of life than just that... And so, upon randomly Meeting Up with one Hank Pym on a butterfly collection trip (she'd wanted to try it), Janet had decided to invest in something a little different: Particle physics research.

And surprise surprise, it had actually paid off. As in now.

Or it would, if she could get her top scientist to cooperate.

"Hank, let's take this from the top," she said wearily, rubbing her forehead. "Again." The dry air in the SHIELD Helicarrier's waiting room was doing her no favors.

Hank Pym, a skinny brown haired man with perpetually messy hair, cleared his throat as he checked his speech on his tablet.

"Right... Ladies and gentlemen, I am Doctor Henry Pym. Thanks to the generous investments in my work by Janet Van Dyne-"

"The lovely Janet Van Dyne."

Hank raised an eyebrow and blushed slightly. He was rather cute when he was embarrassed, Janet thought-Which was often.

"Er... Th-That kind of goes without saying, doesn't it?" He managed. Janet smiled warmly.

"Why darling, you say the nicest things!"

"Ahem," Hank cleared his throat, and returned to the rehearsal. "By the lovely Janet Van Dyne, a whole new era in particle physics applications is upon us. As many of you know I won the Nobel Prize for physics for the discovery of what I call 'Pym particles', exotic variants of gluons which mediate the strong nuclear force and produce unusual quantum effects when they tunnel. Further research into the Pym particles has revealed that their quantum tunnelling can be traced into an alternate dimension, termed 'hyperspace'."

Janet's eyes were glazing a bit.

"As the Pym particles tunnel back and forth between realspace and hyperspace their "flow" can be tuned to introduce energy into the system of the strong nuclear force and cause expansion in a spacetime lensing-like effect on a quantum scale that leads to expansion of normal matter on the macro scale, adding mass without violating the laws of thermodynamics and therefore-"

"Therefore it allows you to make things, like people, grow giant size or shrink to the size of an insect dear God Hank I talked to you about this!" An exasperated Janet cried. "You're not trying to wow them with technobabble!"

"I'm not trying to wow them, I'm just explaining the theory behind it," Hank replied with great patience. "I've summed it up as best I could! I could go far more into it to really make sure they understood it-"

"Hank, darling, you're not trying to make them fall asleep. If you were addressing a room full of physicists with long gray beards then sure, go the full Monty!" Janet said, holding up a hand to assuage his concerns. "But right now, let's focus on the basics. The practical applications."

"Aha... Right," Hank said with a nod. Janet frowned, a bit concerned.

"I could do this for you, you know."

"No no, we're doing this together! I've faced down ravenous insects, I can handle presenting and demonstrating my technology to a group of big wigs and superheroes," Hank said with a nervous smile. Janet sighed and stood up. She patted him on the shoulders and looked up to him with a warm smile.

"You'll be fine. I'm just tough because you're no less exacting with your work, right?"

"Right."

"Okay," Janet sat back down. She gave him a smile again. "Continue, Doctor Pym."

"Right," Pym said. He held up a small orb shaped device, hooked up by a heavy cable to a round backpack. "This is a Pym capsule and distribution system, which is integrated into a Pym suit for the emission of a Pym particle field to cause the shrinking or enlarging effect. While production of Pym particles for large scale commercial applications is not viable at this point in time, for small scale applications such as research into particles, space systems and support of extranormal criminal suppression-"

"Hank!"

"Sorry, sorry... Fighting against extraordinary threats are entirely possible now. Enlarging the subject grants the user of the system greater size, speed, and strength, and thanks to the manipulation of the strong nuclear force they are able to support themselves. This form grants the user superhuman strength, speed, and durability. The opposite mode, shrinking, allows for perfect infiltration by an agent or search and rescue as the subject retains the same strength as in their original form, but their mass is being facilitated by the hyperspace tunneling effect allowing for far more flexibility in movement. While in both cases, staying in these forms is limited to a matter of hours, the practical applications are mind boggling and will be a great boon to the cause of world peace!"

He put the Pym capsule down on the table and smiled. "How was that?"

"Aside from the times I wanted to fall asleep from boredom, it was great," Janet said with a teasing smile. "Now! Let's get suited up."

"Us?" Hank asked in confusion. "But, I thought I was going to be using the suit..."

"Remember all that extra work I had you do? You know, on the Stingers and the flight system?" Janet asked with a smile.

"Yes, and I remember the mess you made of my lab while testing it," Hank said dryly.

"Oh come on, you've shrunk and expanded yourself plenty, you don't get to hog it all the time!" Janet huffed. "Point is, I'm going to show off too!"

Janet rose and walked over to a few pieces of luggage she'd brought with her into the room. Well, that she'd had some strong burly SHIELD crew members carry, really. She pulled one up and set it on the table, opening it up. Hank walked around to look over her shoulder, curious.

"Ta da!" She said with a grin as she pulled out a dark red and black suit. "What do you think?"

Hank's eyes widened. "Wha... Is that my suit?"

"Yes Hank, it is your suit," she said in a slightly mocking tone of voice. "And your helmet's in the other briefcase! I just modified it a bit."

"Y-You modified it?! But Janet, the distribution system-!"

"Is fine. I just added some color and cut it a bit better so you can show off in it," she said patiently. "I know better than to screw with anything I don't understand, now go and put it on!"

Hank gulped. "You mean... In this room?"

"Yes," Janet said cheerfully. "Now go on, relax. I'll keep my back turned."

Hank sighed in relief. "Oh... You will?"

"Yes silly, if you do the same," Janet said with a wink. Hank's jaw dropped as his cheeks turned bright red.

"I... But...!"

"It's faster, silly, so relax!" She gave him a pout. "Unless you don't like the idea of being in the same room as me when my clothes are off~?"

"Uhhh... Um... Er... I-I'll just change. Quickly," he said, turning away and walked to the far end of the room. He started to change, eyes firmly on the wall and definitely not on the lovely, naked body of his employer, partner and friend.

"Okay, you can look now~!" Janet said in a sing song voice. Hank had just finished affixing his helmet, making sure the unlocking mechanisms were set for when he expanded-It contained a small lifesupport system for when he shrank down, allowing him to breath normally. He turned around...

And was wondering which would be better - If he would have seen Janet naked, or in this outfit.

"Well, what do you think?" Janet asked with a sly grin. She wore goggles and a translucent face mask over her mouth and nose, hooked up to her own life support system for when she shrunk. Said goggles had earphones with antenna sticking out to facilitate the communications system when she was shrunken. His helmet had similar antenna.

Her original shrinking suit had been a bit spartan-It was a working prototype - but this new one was pitch black, skin tight and accentuated every part of her svelte, athletic body. The Pym distributor system had been emplaced in a network of thin cables, the majority of which laced the front of her suit in a pattern very much like a wasp's abdomen, and was painted gold. On her wrists were mounted the Stingers-Energy weapons that worked quite well at normal size, but at small size the energy bursts gained a kind of voltage from what might be called a current flow due to the mass of the person using the system displaced into hyperspace, like a temperature differential causing electrons to flow. This same energy powered the flight pack, with artificial wasp wings plugged into a motor that would allow flight at the size of an insect.

All this Hank knew but putting the combined package on Janet van Dyne... He was speechless.

"Uh... It's... Um... Gr-Great," Hank managed. "Really great..."

"Thank you so much darling. How's your suit, by the way?" Janet asked.

Constricting, he thought. He checked a nearby mirror, placed for guests to check their appearance one last time, and nodded.

"It... Looks satisfactory," he said. "Though... We are going to be a little hard to take seriously in these getups, you know."

Janet huffed. "No appreciation for fashion..." She then grinned. "Change of plans, Hank. Your speech?"

He nodded and reached for it... But she swatted his hand away.

"Forget it. I've got a great idea..."

- - - - -

Nick Fury was not a man who enjoyed being made to wait, especially not by some socialite and her pet scientist. He impatiently checked his watch and scowled over at his assistant sitting next to him in the briefing room.

"Get those two up here now before I find a broom handle to break in their asses," he growled. The assistant coughed.

"Ah, sir, isn't that a little... Extreme?"

"They promised me the moon. They have been promising me the moon for the past year, and I want the goddamned moon, or brooms broken in their asses! Their choice!" Fury stated flatly.

"Ooh, aren't we in a foul mood today?" Janet Van Dyne's voice came in clear across the PA. Fury looked around.

"Dyne?"

"He sounds kind of upset, Janet."

"He always sounds upset, Hank," Janet huffed.

"I'm really not in the mood for any tricks, you two, so if you'd kindly get in here," Fury growled. He'd had a rough day with a few new supervillains on the prowl and as said, this had been a long project.

"Oh, uh, but Director Fury - We're already in this room!" Hank Pym said. "I-I mean, we've been here a while."

"Yes! But it is my custom to arrive fashionably late," Janet said. "Besides, this is going to be worth it."

"Well by all means Miss Dyne, Dr. Pym, show me that you're not wasting my time, again," Nick Fury said with a low growl.

"If you insist~..."

A buzzing filled his ears, and a bright yellow and black thing flew past his face. A red and black object flew behind his head, faster than he could swat. Both objects flew to the front of the room... And glowed with white light as they expanded in size. Fury's eye widened as a smirking Janet Van Dyne, and an embarrassed Hank Pym now stood before him.

"Introducing the Fabulous Wasp, and the Amazing Ant-Man!" Janet cried, holding her arms up over her head with a grin. "How's that for an entrance?" She asked, putting hands on her hips. Fury looked back and forth between them, and very slowly nodded.

"Well... I'll give you this, Miss Dyne. When you deliver, you deliver."

"It's mainly thanks to Hank here," Janet said with a warm smile at the tall scientist next to her. "I just made us... Presentable!"

"If that's what you can call it," Hank sighed. Janet elbowed him. "Ow!"

"So! Shall we begin?" Janet asked with a bright smile.

- - - - - -





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AndrewJTalon..CH_13a - Helicopter, Thor&JaneFoster, Hammer, Steve&Tony, ThorNude, Pants, JaneHammerPen...



- - - - - -

In the quarters of Thor aboard the Helicarrier...

"... And thus did I smite the great troll, with a final blow of my hammer!" Thor finished his tale, posing dramatically with his hammer. Jane Foster frowned in a bit of concern from the bed she was sitting on.

"You didn't kill him, did you?" She asked. Thor shook his head.

"Nay, nay! I would have lost an able sparring partner! I merely stunned him so that when he might awake, he would be in a foul enough mood to challenge me again!" Thor grinned and set Mjolnir down, the enchanted hammer humming gently. He sat down next to Jane Foster. "Even before I met you, I would not so easily slay a troll who proved himself a worthy foe."

"I see," Jane said with a smile. "You think... You think you could let me see your world, some day?" She asked a bit shyly. Thor laughed happily, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. "Ah!"

"Of course, Jane Foster! A clever being such as yourself coming to Asgard? You will have me as your personal escort," Thor grinned. "Across Asgard's fields and city I will take you! Such wonders you will behold!"

"Ah, well, that's great," Jane said, nuzzling into Thor's side. "Mmm... Though I can think of a few other wonders I'd like to behold right now," she said with a naughty grin. Thor frowned.

"... Would you like me to show you my hammer again?"

Jane couldn't help it. She laughed into Thor's chest, practically cackling. Thor blinked.

"... I'm afraid I don't understand Midgardian humor, what is so funny?"

"Heheheheh... Not... Not quite what I meant," Jane said with flushed cheeks, "but I'm thinking a different sort of... Hammer."

Thor blinked a few more times. Jane sighed.

"Let me show you, hm?"

- - - - - -

Several hours later, Steve Rogers and Tony Stark were walking down the corridor of the Helicarrier. Steve was in his more subdued standard uniform, while Tony was in an AC/DC shirt and jeans.

"You know, I don't see why they have to call me in every single time they have an emergency. I've got a life of my own, stuff to do, my own villains to smash," Tony grumbled. "They could consult via this amazing thing called the telephone. I mean, you've heard of it so obviously they have..."

"What, you don't like visiting Fury and the rest?" Steve asked with a grin. "Popping by to hit on attractive SHIELD agents?"

"If I want to hit on attractive SHIELD agents, I've got plenty to choose from in my company," Tony snorted. "Besides, the only reason I come out here is when you all are here, and you are all more than welcome to come to the tower. One with a great big 'A' on the side of it." He shook his head at Steve's chuckling. "So, why is Thor taking so damn long anyway?"

"Guess we'll find out," Steve said. He knocked on the hatch to Thor's quarters aboard the helicarrier. "Thor? You there?"

There was some movement behind the door, before it opened. Thor greeted them... And Steve immediately covered his eyes as Tony looked away, for the Thunderer was wearing nothing but a broad grin.

"Greetings friends! What do you need of me?"

"Woah! Woah! Woah! Pants, Thor, pants. They're a wonderful invention and you definitely should grab yours," Tony coughed. "That's the first thing we need of you!"

"We've... Got a mission, but I see you're a bit indisposed," Steve said a bit more delicately. Thor looked down, and then back up. He was still grinning.

"Ah, yes... Sorry, Jane Foster was showing me wonderful things to do with my..." And here Thor raised his eyebrows. "hammer."

His fellow Avengers were silent. Thor blinked, confused, before his grin returned to his face.

"The hammer in this case is my pen-"

"Yes Thor, we get it!" Tony shouted.

- - - - -​




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AndrewJTalon..CH_14a - Avengers, Steve&Natasha, Clint&Thor, IronMan, TitaniumMan, JustinHammer, Bruce


Well I doubt that everything is quite so literal in Asgard itself. After all, if Loki did birth Odin's horse, I'd expect he would have gotten some teasing for it.

- - - - -

The Avengers were once again at their favorite schwarma place in downtown New York City, gathered around their usual table and all of them wearing faces of exhaustion. Bruce was the first to break the exhausted silence with a little laugh.

"Has... Anyone else noticed that we seem to be getting a lot more busy lately?"

"It's like super villains are coming out of the woodwork," Tony said, in between sips of a large Pepsi.

"Is this a new fad? Supervillains?" Steve asked. Natasha shrugged, looking a bit haggard.

"I really, really hope not," she said.

"I kind of do," Clint admitted. "More hazard pay, and it keeps things interesting."

"Hear hear," said Thor, clasping Clint on the shoulder. "My warrior in arms speaks the truth! Battle should never be sought, but when it comes..." And here the Thunder God grinned, "it should be a test of one's mettle!"

"Yeah but some of these guys... Where exactly do they come from?" Tony asked. "I mean they're always happy to tell us in great detail how they came to be but geez..."

- - - - -

"Iron Man! You will pay for what you did to me!" The nefarious Titanium Man declared, slamming his large powersuit's fists together.

Tony Stark's face was as blank as his armored faceplate. "Uh... Have... We met?"

"...It's me! Justin Hammer!" Titanium Man cried. "You know, you threatened to run me out of business?"

"Uh..."

"I hired that guy who tried to kill you?"

"Er..."

"... The one with the electro whips?!" Hammer tried. "How-How can you not remember me?!"

"Well I've been running into so many guys with rip offs of my suit tech that it's a little hard to keep track," Tony admitted. "Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but uh, think I've been flattered enough. By the way, nice suit. What, did you not account for the 70 percent ankle joint positive work in level walking? A guy pursuing a philosophy doctorate was able to get that Justin, a philosophy doctorate."

"DIE!"

- - - - -

"Bit harsh of you wasn't it?" Bruce asked. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Hey, if he can't even get that part of a powered suit right..."

"Not as bad as my villain, believe me," Natasha groused.

"Any would be honored to fight you, Black Widow!" Thor boomed.

"Yeah well, they were a little too honored to fight me..."

- - - - -

I'm going a bit more round robin-ish with this part. Have each member of the Avengers relate an unusual foe they have encountered, and then set up the next one. You may use any Marvel villain you wish, just remember to keep them to their essence: Remember, these would be first time encounters with them in this continuity, so feel free to get a bit creative with their portrayals.

But try to keep it to the more realistic feel of the Marvel Cinematic universe.





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amlawren3833..CH_15a - CaptainAmerica&Tony, HillDebriefs, GreenSkull, Clint, Irony


AndrewJTalon said:
Well I doubt that everything is quite so literal in Asgard itself. After all, if Loki did birth Odin's horse, I'd expect he would have gotten some teasing for it.

Captain sighed.

"You know last week, when I jumped out of the window onto the deck?"

"When Officer Hill tried to "debrief" you in private," Tony chuckled. Steve coughed, his cheeks were bright red.

"I do believe those were her exact words," he said, before continuing, "Do you know why I was sent up for a dressing down...stop!" he raised his hands to the others before they could begin to laugh, "You know what I meant."

"You mean to explain the fact that you allowed the plane that you were serving your mission on crash into this newest version of the land known as Jersey?" Thor asked, completely unaffected by Cap's foot having earlier entered his mouth.

"Yeah, the guy I was fighting, called himself the Green Skull."

"Wait, "Green Skull"," Clint rubbed his chin while thinking, "Didn't you fight the Red Skull in World War II. What was this guys connection?"

"None," Cap groaned, while massaging his temples, "He just calls himself. He shouted at me about how the Earth was being ruined by humanity, and how he would destroy New York with his vat of chemicals he would bomb the city with, and thus wipe out the great blight to planet."

"...thats stupid," Bruce finally stated, as nothing more than pure fact, "That's incredibly, horribly stupid!"

"I know, but by the time that managed to stop myself from punching him, it was too late to stop it from going off, so I found the biggest open place I could crash the plane, and landed it."

"So the environmentalist caused an environmental disaster," Tony chuckled, "sometimes I wonder why the universe seems to run on irony."

"Because this whole universe is one big joke," Steve looked down at his watch, "Well, go to get back to the hotel."

"Oh get over it! Its been three days!"

"I won't sleep on the Helicarrier again until they change the locks so I don't find a naked Carol Danvers laying in my bed in the morning!" Steve shouted, his face very red again, storming out of the restaurant. A second later, he walked back in, and placed a ten on the table. The others looked at him skeptically.

"I just remembered I had tip."



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scriviner..CH_16a - CreelCrusher, ThorHammer, Mjolnir, Dirk, WreckinCrew, Drinks!, Kirk, Libations


"I too have a tale that I must share!" Thor thundered, pun unintended. "It began... or perhaps ended thus..."

- - - (inset wibbly-wavey screen flashback effects)

The immensely muscular man with no shirt on was on his hands and knees, throwing up messily. He had a pair of trousers on and had previously sported a huge metal ball at the end of a chain. He gave another loud retch and disgorged more... material.

"Would you taste more of Thor's hammer, Creel the Crusher?" He boomed, brandishing his war hammer at the wretched man.

"No... aw, man..." Crusher Creel's stomach gurgled loudly as he rolled onto his back. "No more... no more..." He said in a dazed voice.

"See that you do not challenge the Thunderer of Asgard again." He laughed. "That you would lay hands upon Mjolnir and try to claim its power for your own without knowing the enchantments laid upon it was the HEIGHT of foolishness!"

"Don't throw me anymore. Throw me away... summon me back... throw me away... summon me back." His face colored and he made a heavy swallowing noise, "I'll be good, I swear," The man moaned. "I get the motion sickness something awful--"

"Hey!" Another voice with a heavy Brooklyn accent called out behind Thor.

Thor whirled, still brandishing Mjolnir. "Yes? Who calls the attention of the Son of Odin? Another foolishly seeking to challenge me?"

Four men approached him. All large, heavily built men. Not body-builder perfect builds. There were heavy bull-necked men who worked for a living. Thickly muscled and dressed in heavy canvas overalls. The man in front had a bandanna on his head and held an oversized crowbar in his hands that seemed to gleam strangely in the mid-afternoon light.

The others included a man whose sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and sported oversized hands that were clenched into fists. Another wore a hard hat, but it wasn't in the expected hard yellow plastic, but instead seemed to be old, well-polished metal that gleamed much like the first man's crowbar. The fourth man, was dark skinned and wore glasses. They seemed to give him a thoughtful air, even as he took hold of the end of the chain of Creel's ball and chain and tried to pull on it.

"Who are you?" Thor asked, still not lowering his hammer.

"I'm Dirk. We're the Wreckin' Crew." The man in the lead said gesturing to his companions with his shining crowbar.

"And what do you seek with the Son of Odin, Dirk of the Wreckers?" He asked, tightening his grip.

"We're gonna take you out--!" The man in the helmet said, pointing at Thor, which made him prepare to strike, but what the man in the crowbar said in continuation stopped him.

"-- for a drink!" Dirk said cheerfully.

"Crave pardon?" Thor stared.

"You caused alla this mess, right?" He gestured at the wrecked street and the buildings that were falling apart all around them.

"Ah. Indeed." Thor said flushing slightly in embarrassment. "Perhaps we were a bit carried away..."

"Hey, no, big, man. All we're sayin' is that thanks to you we're all workin' overtime at double rates to get this crap cleaned up and while not everybody appreciates that--" Dirk said slowly.

The man with the oversized hands shrugged and summed it up, "Some of us got bills to pay and kids to feed so the extra money's good."

"And y'saved us from this lousy mook," Kirk said, with a wave of his crowbar at the still-bleary Creel.

"So... rounda beers on us. Whatcha say?" The man in the helmet said again with a welcoming grin.

"That sounds... acceptable! Onwards to the house of libations!"

- - -



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FanboyimusPrime..CH_17a - Eric, PickingLocks, CaptAmerica, Carol, Victoria, Nick



SHIELD Agent Eric O'Grady smiled as he picked the locks to Captain America's room. Locks that it seemed every single straight female SHIELD agent had picked. It almost was like a rite of passage for them now.
Which was the point as Eric got in. Cap got all kinds of hot babes laying naked in his bed. He was a gentleman and flattered but shy. O'Grady had no such inhibitions and if this was going to kill him, then he'd go out with a smile.
He walked through the dark room, making sure not to bump into anything. Slowly he made is way to the bedroom and hoped to find some sweet, sweet woman waiting there.
'Man I need to get my hands on Pym's Antman suit...oh the things I could do with it,' Eric mused. He was a lowbrow sort of guy and he knew it. Revealed in it in fact.
He slowly opened the door to Captain America's bedroom and looked inside to see if there was anyone laying in the bed. And he got to see a heavenly sight. Even in the darkness he could tell Carol Danver had the body of a goddess.
"Steve?" Carol called out in a way that Eric was sure she'd never use with him. Even without thinking he was a repulsive pervert.
Eric counted his blessings as at least he won't be killed like if this was the Black Widow. Though the pain might not make him think that later. Carol then got a closer look at the man in the doorway.
"You're not Steve," she growled. "Or got your crowbar."
"I die happy!" Eric called out just before Carol leap out of the bed and punched him in the gut.
Then came her kicking him in the head. As he was seeing stars she shoved him against the wall.
"We'll see about you being happy, and I won't kill you," Carol said in a predatory tone in his ear. "I want to spread a message."
Eric laughed nervously before being Carol held him in a choke hold until he blacked out. His last thought was hoping she didn't castrate him.
Before Carol could do anything, the door opened and Victoria Hand looked in and stared at Carol. A blush formed on her face and Carol sighed.
"Great so all the perverts picked tonight to show up."
V-V-V
The first thing Eric O'Grady did when he came to was pat himself down to see if anything was missing. Not feeling anything gone he sighed in relief for a moment.
"Agent O'Grady," Nick Fury commented. "You are a man with little common sense, but a great deal of guts."
Eric nearly jumped into the air like the Hulk that. He clutched his heart and panted out "Thank you sir."
"Oh don't thank me," Fury stated. "But consider yourself pretty much Pym's gopher, bodyguard, and lab rat as long as I see fit. And I see fit to have that be a long time."
Eric considered that a pretty good deal at this point.
"And to be a better bodyguard for Captain America will be training you in hand to hand combat."
That Eric scared stiff. Maybe it wasn't so good a deal after all...
V-V-V
Nick Fury easily entered the brig and saw Carol Danvers stewing.
"You're getting sloppy," he told her. "Predictable as Agent O'Grady showed you, and frankly that is the worst thing to come out of all the desire for Captain America."
"Understood Sir," Carol said with a straight face.
"Spread the word after you get out," Fury said over his shoulder as he left the cell.
"Might as well just ask him out on a date," Carol muttered.


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SotF..CH_18a - PeterParker, Rhino, RapeMonster, Tendrils, DareDevil


Peter Parker was exhausted.

Rhino had robbed a store and split as soon as he caught sight of the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

He was really starting to hate the economy cars now filling the streets, at least the Hummers, for all their faults, had enough mass to slow the armored man down.

"I'd heard that you could save money for a flight with a hybrid," he quipped while dodging a flying car mid swing, "But I don't think that's what they had in mind!"

His foe had gotten out of sight for just a moment as he swung low, snatching a kid before he'd have had been body checked by a tumbling SUV, landing in a clear area and letting the boy loose just as Rhino reappeared, running the other way.

"RAPE MONSTER!"

Peter knew he should have stopped the grey giant, but he was puzzled.

"Rape monster?"

And then things went straight to hell as the street exploded into tendrils that swarmed towards him.

"Oh, that rape monster..." he managed to mutter as the thing came at him.

Why couldn't he have a normal afternoon? Was it to much to ask just to have a nice calm afternoon where he could actually get his homework done without worrying about supervillains or tentacle monsters that didn't realize that Japan was on the other side of the world?

"Avengers Assemble?" he yelled, pausing for a moment before a newspaper blew into his face, the front page image of the Avengers in Miami with Namor having a kegger, "There's no justice in the world, but it was worth a shot."

And he wasn't the only one in a costume fighting it, unfortunately Daredevil wasn't that much of a help when dealing with a three story tall mass of tentacles slime.

"Figures that Hell's Kitchen would have something like this under it."

A slight tug on his ankle caused spidey to glance down, well, that and his spider sense.

"Oh that cannot be good!" he yelped and tried to leap before one of the tentacles coiled around his leg and then yanking him towards the thing.

"Last I checked, these things targeted Japanese schoolgirls, and unless I'm more delusional than JJJ says, I'm neither of those things!"

Pete managed to keep from screaming for a moment, and was about to start when a flash of iridescent light blasted the thing, severing the tentacle and dropping him to the pavement.

"Doc?" he managed to get out as he recognized the former surgeon calling up the hairy hosts of something hoggy, "Any idea what this thing is?"

"I'm not entirely sure, Deadpool managed to get his hands on the Necronomicon..."

"And he wanted to try the Ash thing," Spidey finished with a growl, "And set loose something that makes my life suck even more than it had this morning..."​
"Live



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AndrewJTalon..CH_19a - JessicaDrew, TonyStark, IllegitimateDaughter?, CloneOfPeter, Norman, Pepper, Adopting

Taking a bit more inspiration from the Ultimate universe...

- - - - -

Jessica Drew: Hey Tony.

Tony: Do I know you?

Jessica: I'm your illegitimate daughter.

Tony: Nonsense. I've used rubbers in all my illicit encounters--wait. How old are you?

Jessica: Sixteen.

Tony: Yep. Condoms.

Jessica: *Huffs*

Tony: So who are you, really?

Jessica: I'm a clone of Peter.

Tony: ...

Jessica: A female clone of Peter Parker. Have his powers and everything.

Tony: What sick pervert would make a female clone of Spider-Man... *Deadpan* Let me guess: Norman Osborne?

Jessica: Norman Osborne. And no, he didn't do anything. *shudders* That would just be... Guh...!

Tony: Agreed.

Jessica: Anyway, Peter and I are having trouble living together so I was wondering... Could I stay with you?

Tony: Well. I guess you can stay here... Hey Pepper!

Pepper: Yes Tony?

Tony: I'm adopting a kid.

Pepper: Wait, what?! Are you kidding?

Tony: Well it's either that or I claim she's my illegitimate daughter.

Pepper: They'll probably think that anyway...

Tony: Okay, better than them thinking she's my underaged mistress. That better?

Pepper: Considerably. You're not creepy enough to be-

Tony: Norman Osborne?

Pepper: I was going to say Humbert Humbert but that's more topical...

Jessica: Ya know, just because he's the guy who made me doesn't mean he's the only person who would clone Peter Parker as a hot teenaged girl.

Tony: And yet, we keep coming back to him...



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amlawren3833..CH_20a - BlackWidow, Deadpool, SING, BANG, Tony, FanBoyGirl


AndrewJTalon said:
Dude, it was Natasha's turn next. Though not bad work with Cap, albeit it feels a bit generic.

Also, Green Skull is an Amalgam villain, not a Marvel villain. I don't care too much but eh, I have to point it out or the diehard comic fans will rag on me for it.​
Sorry this took so long, but how about this for Natasha having to deal with a fan of an enemy.

"I was just finishing up with that slaver cell off of Long Island-"

(Wavy Scene transistion)

The Black Widow, super spy, master martial artist, poster-girl for the SHIELD recruitment campaign, was actually rather enjoying herself. It was nice for once to simply be dealing with a bunch of horrible humans, rather than giant aliens, megalomaniac dictators, and inter-dimensional horrors.

SHIELD had gotten the tip about this place three days earlier, and she had been sent to take out the operation and in particular, the man in charge. With all the prisoners now safe in custody, and all of the three dozen grunts dead or incapacitated across the ship, she only now had to finish off the boss, and it would be a picture perfect mission. She smiled to herself as she approached the door to the captains quarters.

BANG

And she came to a stop when she heard a gunshot come from the room. What had happened. No one else was supposed to be on this ship. No other agents had been sent in. Cautiously, she approached the door, and opened it.

"Hello Spacebattles Forums!" a man shouted from the room.

A Widow wondered what the man just said, she took in the scene of what had happened. Laying down on the floor with a puddle of blood next to his head was the leader she had been sent to kill. The man who had shouted stood above the corpse. He wore a full body black and red jumpsuit, completely obscuring who he was. On the man's back was a pair of swords, and in his hand was a revolver that by any measure was comically oversized.

The man continued to talk as she looked him over, saying, "Man, you don't know how good it is to be back here."

BETTER THAN THAT SHIT MARVEL SEEMS TO BE SELLING US AS NOW. I MEAN, DEADPOOL KILLISTRATED?

"I know right," but then he sighed, "But really, a "Cap does Love Hina?" AJT, I expect better from you! Why not a "Deadpool does Love Hina?" What girl could say no to my face?"

ONE WITH EYES?

"Hey, Shut up brain!" he then turned his attention to the dumbfounded Black Widow, "Well if is't the Black Widow. So how does it feel to be the most important female superhero for a while."

"What, I don't even-"

"I mean, as soon as Carol and Jenny get their upgrades, they're going to blow you out of the water. Still won't be a sweet looking as you. So, how about a date."

"...I don't even..."

'Damnit brain, she isn't falling for my charms!"

DO WHAT YOU WERE MEANT TO DO YOU MORON!

'What's that?'

SING!

And with that, Deadpool clicked his fingers, somehow turning off all the lights. A second later, the Black Widow's jaw dropped when a disco ball descended, and Deadpool was dressed with a giant afro and a disco suit. He then pulled out a microphone.

"Treasure...that is what you are...you're my golden star...you make my wish come true...so let me treasure-"

BANG!

and then Deadpool fell to the ground, his brain splattered all behind him after the bullet from Black Widow's PeaceMaker ripped through his skull. She sighed to herself, thankful above all else that the horrible ruination of Bruno Mars was over, only for her eyes to pop when she saw Deadpool sit back up.

"Whoa," he laughed, "You blew my mind!"

"...you don't die do you?"

"Nope."

Black Widow then pulled out one of her grenades, pulled the pin, ran behind the door, closed it, and then ran. She ran as fast as her legs could take her. Far away from that maniac as possible. Tomorrow, she was getting assigned to a Norse World assignment as quickly as possible. Maybe go fight some Frost Giants.

Deadpool simply stared at the grenade.

"She digs me."

NO DOUBT

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(WAVY LINES)

"And since then, I've had to change my number three times, and I can't take a step outside the Helicarrier without worrying about him showing up."

"Okay," Tony chuckled, "That's funny. But there is no way that happened."

RING

Black Widow sagged, pulled out her phone, and pushed the speaker button.

"Hey! Black Widow! Its me Deadpool! I know you're there! Pick up!"

"You were saying?" Black Widow sighed.​

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amlawren3833..CH_21a - Tony, May, Niece Jessica, AlcoholicPranker

king of hybrids said:
why do i see May (who really should find out about stuff like this) making it her business to somehow find the time to show up and tony's (and the helicarrier) alot?​
Tony:...what are you doing here?

May: I am here to check up on my niece. I want to make sure that Jessica is okay.

Tony: why wouldn't she be okay?

May: She is living with you.

Tony: And what's bad about that.

May: You are an alcoholic, you never keep your place clean, you spend far too much time pranking people and having sex.

Tony: Wow, you sure know how to show appreciation for a guy who agrees to raise a girl out of the goodness of his heart.

May: She told me that you gave her a scholarship to Harvard as long as she hit on poor Steve.

Tony: She did. I guess she will just have to settle for Dartmouth.​


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scriviner..CH_22a - Deadpool&BlackWidow, PeterParker, BeaArthur

Later still:

"No. You're serious?"

"Like a heart attack, my faithful sidekick."

"If you call me that one more time, I will put a bullet in you."

"Oh no! Not until at least the third date! I'm not that kind of arachnid themed hero!"

"You're getting on my last nerve, Parker."

He held his left hand up and pressed his right to his chest, "I swear. Honest truth. I've tangled with Wade before and there's an easy way to get him off your back once he starts flirting. He won't stop fighting, but at least he stops being creepily stalkery. Just... you know... regular style creepy and annoying."

"Talk. Now."

"Wow... yeah, I can see all that secret agent training y--"

"The bullet option is starting to look better and better."

"Sorry, it's just so much fun to mock. Anyway... here's the secret--"

- - -

"Hello, my sweet Baboo~! It's your lovable stud muff-- whoa there. What's with the phone sugar lips?"

"I have Bea Arthur's phone number on speed dial."

"... My sweet Bea!"

Natasha ground out, "If I ever see you again, I'm going to tell her that you've betrayed your love for her."

"Whoa... is that the time? I'm late for a Golden Girls Marathon~! Toodles, Luscious!" He made the thumb and pinky phone gesture at his ear and mouthed, "Call me."

- - -

"I can't believe that worked."

"I can't believe you got Bea Arthur's phone number."

"SHIELD has many resources available to it."

- - -


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AndrewJTalon..CH_23a - Bruce&Natasha, Banner&Mariko, Juggernaut, PUNCHED


- - - - - -

Bruce sighed. "I had to deal with someone a bit more... Unusual." He poured a bit more sauce on his shwarma.

"How unusual could it have been?" Natasha asked skeptically. "He was the same kind of... Of being as the Hulk."

"You mean, mindless bruiser?" Bruce asked with a wry smile. Natasha shook her head.

"Well..."

"On the mindless part, I think we'll agree... Because he was easily dumber than the Hulk."

"Okay... This I have to hear," Tony said.

- - - - - -

Bruce Banner had just regained control of himself after beating down a number of killer robots. He panted softly, rubbing his forehead.

"Ugh... I imagine Tony's going to be launching some more lawsuits... Repulsor powered lawsuits," he groaned. He looked around the mess all around the street he'd fought in.

"Huh... I don't recall hating Obama enough to wreck up one of his supporters," he observed a destroyed storefront for a political organizing group. "Maybe they just called me one too many times on the phone... Or sent a creepy email..."

He rose and sighed, brushing himself off. "Back to pants again... Maybe I should invest in some unstable molecular clothing..."

"YOU! BRUCE BANNER!" An angry voice yelled out. Bruce blinked and turned around. He groaned.

"Oh great..."

A huge man with a dome-shaped helmet strode up the street, making the ground shake with each step. Loud rock music began to play from speakers on his shoulder pads. He pointed a finger at Bruce, grinning through his helmet.

"I, CAIN MARKO, AM THE MEANEST, TOUGHEST SON OF A BITCH THIS SIDE OF THE PLANET!" He bellowed. "BUT HERE I AM, HEARING ABOUT SOME PUNKASS SCIENTIST TRYING TO TAKE MY TITLE!"

"Your... Title?" Bruce asked. He raised his hands. "Look, I'm sorry but I honestly don't know who you are-"

"YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR MEAN BIG GREEN MISTER HYDE ROUTINE!" Cain Marko huffed. "YOU AND YOUR SAD WALKING AWAY MUSIC AND MISERY, WHEN YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CRUSH MOUNTAINS BETWEEN YOUR FISTS?! YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO ACCEPT YOUR POWER, AND YOUR MIGHT!"

Bruce gaped. "I... Wha...?"

"YOU STAND THERE, UNKNOWING AND IGNORANT, HOLDING YOUR PANTS UP LIKE SOME JOHNNY COME LATELY! WELL, YOU AIN'T KNOWN PAIN UNTIL YOU'VE TANGLED WITH THE BIGGEST..." Cain Marko posed, flexing his muscles, "THE MEANEST..." Another pose, "THE BADDEST OF THE BAD... THEEEEE UNSTOPPABLE JUGGERNAUT!"

Fireworks went off behind him. The Juggernaut pointed his finger at Bruce.

"NOW! COME ON! BRING IT!"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Bruce asked. "You're not going to win this-"

"OH! TOO CHICKEN TO GO UP AGAINST ME?!" Juggernaut taunted. "COME ONNNN!" He flexed his muscles. "YOU AND YOUR WEAK GUNS CAN'T HANDLE THIS! GO BACK TO YOUR SUGAR DADDY, TONY STARK, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SMELL OF WHAT THE JUGGERNAUT IS COOKING!"

Bruce sighed, and rolled his eyes. "Fine..."

The transformation to the Hulk took only a moment. The Juggernaught grinned and slammed his fists together, shattering nearby windows.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! NOW, JOLLY GREEN GIANT, LET'S SEE IF YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO GO UP AGAINST THE BIGGEST... THE MEANEST... THE UNDEFEA-!"

And with a single punch from the Hulk, the Juggernaut was flying clear across the Hudson.

"Puny bowl head man talk too much," the green giant grunted.

- - - - - -

"Huh. He was recording the fight on YouTube," said Tony as he watched it on his phone. "Two million hits and counting..."

Bruce groaned. Natasha grinned.

"So... Has he issued a rematch challenge yet?" The Black Widow asked.

"Yes, addressed to my tower by the way," Stark said dryly. "Am I going to have to cut off your clothing and jewelry allowance?"

"Try not to grin so much at the fact you're known as the Hulk's sugar daddy, Tony," Steve said flatly.

Bruce just sighed, face buried in his hands.

- - - - - -


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AndrewJTalon..CH_24a - Orono&Kitty, Professor, GardeningWeirdos, Sentinels, Rogue


And since we're on the subject of the X-Men...

- - - - - -

"Um... Ororo?"

Storm lowered her sunglasses, the Weather Goddess a vision of perfection in her red bikini as she sunned herself by the Xavier Mansion's pool. She looked up at Kitty Pryde, one of the younger members of the X-Men.

"Yes Kitty?"

"I'm a bit concerned about the ground staff," she admitted. "The guys the Professor hired?"

"Temporary staff? What about them?" Ororo asked. Kitty coughed.

"Well... Isn't it a bit odd that they're all... In trenchcoats?"

And indeed, they were. All of the temporary groudskeepers were done up in fedoras, trenchcoats, and striped slacks. All were working at the shrubs and at the pool with various tools and implements.

"A bit, yes," Ororo allowed.

"And that they don't seem to actually eat... Or sleep?" Asked Kitty.

"Admittedly, that is strange."

"And that whenever someone seems to be paying a lot of attention to them... Like this," Kitty demonstrated as she looked suspiciously at one of the workmen. He stood up, mechanical gears audibly whirring as he stared back with glowing red eyes.

"... It is a beautiful day to work on the shrubs for minimum wage," he said in a dull, monotone voice. The gardener next to him was watering a plant.

"Yes. That woman over there has large breasts and is scantily attired."

"She is extremely attractive. We should keep such comments to ourselves or else she may sue us," his companion said.

"Without water, these plants would die," another gardener opined.

"This pool must be cleansed if anyone is to swim in it," the workman at the pool added.

Kitty slowly looked back at Storm. Ororo sighed.

"I believe I'll let the Professor handle explaining this."

[<i]Hello Kitty. I hope you don't mind me using telepathy->[/i]

I don't Professor, but I'd think you'd be more suspicious of these gardening weirdos, Kitty thought back. What are they and who sent them?

[<i]They are called 'Sentinels', autonomous robot infiltrators designed to observe superhuman beings, mutants in particular,>[/i] the Professor replied. [<i]They are armed with a variety of weapons that allow them to deal with lower level threats.>[/i]

Kitty's eyes widened in fear. You mean that these things are from the Government?! Mutant hunting robots?!

[<i]Yes, but there is nothing to fear,> [/i]Professor X replied. [<i]I allowed them on the premises... And Beast promptly reprogrammed them just enough that the government will get no useful data.>[/i]

Kitty frowned. So, you're making it look like we're cooperating with the government's invasion of our home?

[That, and I'm getting free labor for the entire manor's upkeep until the program runs out of money after finding nothing and will have to be shut down, in at least two months</i],> Professor X replied cheerfully. Kitty raised an eyebrow.

Exactly why couldn't you just hire one of us or have the students do the upkeep rather than getting government Terminator hunter killer robots to do it?!

[<i]Well... It was a bargain,>
Professor X said. [<i]Besides, they can be quite... Flattering.>[/i]

"That woman walking nearby is very attractive. It is a shame I must go home to an overweight wife," one of the Sentinels said as Rogue walked by. Rogue smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Damn straight it is, sugah."

"Thank goodness, it is Friday."

"Besides," Ororo said, "should any of them try anything... Well..." the weather goddess smirked. "I don't think lightning is going to do them much good, do you?"

"Good point," Kitty allowed.

- - - - -

Yes, the Sentinels for this fic are basically like the Agents in Psychonauts. Here's a link so you can be familiar with them:





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