Knight Lord
Vassal of the Baron of Kep
Chapter 1: Czariel Vsevolodovich
The household of...
Vassal of the Baron of Kep
Chapter 1: Czariel Vsevolodovich
The household of...
User | Total |
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VoiceoftheAbyss | 3 |
Not sure if I like how this turns out. It is following the story, but I am not sure if it actually does anything for it. I feel it is a little to much filler.
Just make sure your characters are trying to advance their own goals and not just the plot.
If your narrator sees it, it should probably be seen, or not. If you feel it's interesting enough to be read, by all means, write it.They are, but I don't really know how much of there actions need to be seen.
I Proofread and edited your post.
Try using a word processor before posting if you don't already.
My head is fuzzy. Black spots dance through my consciousness as I try to blink myself awake, but they linger in a mental fog. My head pounds with every sound. Each noise echoes endlessly around my poor brain. I try to figure out where I am, even with some of my mind awake I can't see anything. I try to move my hands but they are bound behind me. What... and everything comes back to me: the merchant, the beat down, and being drugged. I try to kick out but my legs are tied. I try to scream, but my mouth is bound as well. I can do nothing but squirm.
"Boss, she is awake." It is a deep and rough but feminine voice. I hear someone walk closer then a hand is pressed against my head.
"Dimitri, did you take off all of her tech." I try to turn to the voice, but my head is too tightly bound.
"Yes, that's why she is in such bad shape. At least five different subdermal implants. Considering she isn't trying to scream live she is being bathed in acid the painkillers are working." Painkillers... wait, all my subdermals, oh God, both of my hands had the subdermal taser in them. He'll most of my hand was them, would I even be able to move them if they were removed.
Trying and getting nothing, but I can't tell if that's the bindings or the haze of not having them. "Is that why you popped out her eyes?" He did what?!
"Yes, there was a computer system build over her retinas, I had no way to remove them from the eyes." Oh God he did, all it did was translate text! And now I am eyeless, oh God, oh God, oh God.
"Stop talking about the bitch for now. Yoga, are we there yet?" I can hear something but it doesn't really matter, I am trying to remember where my implants were. My hands and eyes. I have one on and in my ear, the tracking chip in case I got kidnapped in my leg, my id chip in my arm. What did I look like being taken apart by these madmen, was I all my wounds open to the air, was I a pile of red and ropes.
"Hey, don't get to worked up. Your people can put you back together, just of now you're too dangerous to keep in one piece." I try to look in the direction of the voice give him a no eyed stare or something.
"What was that Yoga?" That was the fake merchant, bastard.
"The tunnels just shook some, they are really coming down in force. The decoy had to self-detonate so they couldn't get close enough to sheet it was just a pile of implants. Hopefully, they buy it and we have all the time in the world to get cosy before making demands." It was the woman, she spoke quickly getting most of her words out in one breath. "Starn you don't need to babysit the girl, go... I don't know something else, help the boss figure out what we are going to do now that we are dragons."
The presence next to me turned quickly. "Dragon?" I could hear Yoga's sigh.
"We kidnapped a princess to bring her to our horde." Starn made an 'oh' sound at that, then wandered off. "So sorry my friends made mincemeat out of you, but we can't be too careful, your people hunt us like terrorists."
I try to say that's because they are terrorists, but the cloth in my mouth stops me. So I get to sit here for another hour before today is solidified in my mind as the worst day ever; the painkillers wore off, and I learn I am in great pain! My thrashing actually knocks over the chair I am in with a grand crash and even more pain. I try to scream, but the cloth in my mouth prevents me. I think being set on fire would make everything hurt less right now. Every movement triples the pain, and the pain sets me thrashing, leading to an endless cycle of pain!
I can say how long it's been before I feel a needle jam into my neck and the pain starts to vanish. My breathing calms, I need this, God help me, I needed that painkiller.
"I am going to remove the gag. I and my friends need you to not scream. I just want to talk." I nod my head and I feel hands untie the gag and pull the cloth out of my mouth. As it leaves I start to scream, I scream as loud as I can for a few seconds before I distantly feel a hand slap me hard enough the chair falls over. Oh, someone stood me back up, nice.
"Bitch, everyone thinks you're dead. If you don't want to conform to their expectations you better stop fucking screaming." I feel the chair getting picked back up then something gets pressed into my eye hole. Suddenly I can see in black and white but my vision isn't from my viewpoint, instead, I can see myself lying on the floor looking up. I'm covered in blood and torn sheets of bloody bandages. A mass of wires runs from outside of my vision into my eye socket. In the corner of the room is a tower of electronics and computers, each with its own monitor, displaying different readouts. Next to me stood the fake merchant and a tall muscled man with a sharp face framed by long blond hair.
"Okay she can see, but why did you want me to do that?" The larger man grabs a wicked looking blade two feet long and pointed it at my chest.
"Because threats work better when they can be seen." He pushed in and I could feel a little pressure through the haze of painkiller. A line of liquid crimson creeps down my belly, and I realize now that I am not wearing anything but panties. The only thing the rest of my body sports is a lot of bandages.
"You are going to tell me everything you know about the aliens." Well if he didn't ask vague questions.
"There are twenty-six Kingdom races on Kep, of those, twenty-five are non-native. The main species is that of the Duke, the Favos: a race of mobile arctic plants. They are mostly neural matter made..." I am slapped by the flat of the blade.
"I ain't talking about the shit they teach in fucking school. I want to know the fuck is their 'doings', their 'ins' and 'outs'. Where they meet, when they meet." Oh, I thought he wanted something useful.
"The meet every two hundred and fifty-nine hours amongst themselves, on Kep, through hologram in the meeting chamber of the spires. The Duke and his chosen meet with the Duke's Lords and King every thirteen of the lesser meetings." The man lowered the blade.
"Yoga is she lying?" The computers in the corner's monitors lite up and many images flash across the screen.
"She is."
"Good, now would they have an emergency meeting for say the death of a child?" Oh God were they going to try to assassinate someone at my funeral, that would only work if they got everyone to believe I was dead.
"No, a few of the closest family friends and the ones closest to the individual would personally come if possible." The fat man chuckles a little.
"And the Duke is a close friend of your family, right traitor?"
Your welcome.Thanks I did notice some typos that I made, and you did pick up on because they look like there on purpose on your end. Like the lying question, Yoga should've answered isn't rather then is.
Anyway thank you.