A/N This is my first thread ever so I hope I don't screw this up too badly. I've been obsessed...
Judgement [Young Justice Self Insert]
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A/N This is my first thread ever so I hope I don't screw this up too badly. I've been obsessed with young justice self inserts, which spontaneously birthed a plot bunny that just wouldn't leave my head.
Please note that she will not be joining up with the team immediately. Also, fair warning there are some crossover elements, but only so I didn't have to make up a boatload of original background characters. You don't have to know anything from the shows they are based on, or even know their from any shows at all.
More seriously though, I will be borrowing from the DCAU especially for the beginning arc as we were not really shown what the JL or villains get up to outside the Team and it never made sense to me that every part of their evil plans just happened to coincide with the Team doing something about it. Also, adding a few more members to the JL because I needed a mentor for my insert, and those that do appear are either mentoring someone else, or just don't fit with her powers or character.
With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy the prologue to my story, it's rather short but I'll post the first full chapter up soon.
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XX| XX
6:02 P.M.
I was warm.
That was my first thought. I was warm.
My consciousness flickered in and out through a haze, like one does when they are dreaming.
I was warm snuggled in a giant blanket, or at least something that felt like it. It was comfy, like being reborn into a giant fuzzy burrito.
In that moment I firmly felt like I could deal with being a giant fuzzy burrito if this was what it felt like.
Just when I was about to go back to sleep, I felt a hand touch me. It was could and not quite right, not skin like perhaps, more like a latex glove or something.
Whatever it was, it was itchy, and I didn't like it.
I tried to shrug the hand off, but I found that I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried my body just wouldn't move.
That got my attention.
Now that I was paying a bit more attention to my situation, I realized that I wasn't in a fluffy blanket like I had thought.
I couldn't open my eyes, but one thing now pervaded my senses, muffling the worried snippets of dialogue that filtered through my blocked ears.
-…Oh My God! Is she dead?!...-
-…Holy Shit, I killed someone! I killed someone!...-
-…She just appeared in the middle of the road I swear…-
-…Hospital…-
-…Ambulance…-
-…Head Wound. She's losing too much blood!...-
Blood. The overpowering smell of blood rang in my senses, coppery tang and iron oxide within. The smell after it has been mixed with motor oil and filthy rain water.
The fuzzy sounds quieted down after a minute, as the wail of an ambulance siren overpowered it.
As strong arms lifted me into the back, it finally dawned on me that it had been my blood I was smelling.
'Well whatever,' I thought as the warm feeling overtook me once more, 'I just wanna be warm again.'
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A/N Because not every ROB can just conveniently drop the SI off into an abandoned alley/ field/ space or something. Sometimes they mess up too.
Please note that she will not be joining up with the team immediately. Also, fair warning there are some crossover elements, but only so I didn't have to make up a boatload of original background characters. You don't have to know anything from the shows they are based on, or even know their from any shows at all.
More seriously though, I will be borrowing from the DCAU especially for the beginning arc as we were not really shown what the JL or villains get up to outside the Team and it never made sense to me that every part of their evil plans just happened to coincide with the Team doing something about it. Also, adding a few more members to the JL because I needed a mentor for my insert, and those that do appear are either mentoring someone else, or just don't fit with her powers or character.
With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy the prologue to my story, it's rather short but I'll post the first full chapter up soon.
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XX| XX
6:02 P.M.
I was warm.
That was my first thought. I was warm.
My consciousness flickered in and out through a haze, like one does when they are dreaming.
I was warm snuggled in a giant blanket, or at least something that felt like it. It was comfy, like being reborn into a giant fuzzy burrito.
In that moment I firmly felt like I could deal with being a giant fuzzy burrito if this was what it felt like.
Just when I was about to go back to sleep, I felt a hand touch me. It was could and not quite right, not skin like perhaps, more like a latex glove or something.
Whatever it was, it was itchy, and I didn't like it.
I tried to shrug the hand off, but I found that I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried my body just wouldn't move.
That got my attention.
Now that I was paying a bit more attention to my situation, I realized that I wasn't in a fluffy blanket like I had thought.
I couldn't open my eyes, but one thing now pervaded my senses, muffling the worried snippets of dialogue that filtered through my blocked ears.
-…Oh My God! Is she dead?!...-
-…Holy Shit, I killed someone! I killed someone!...-
-…She just appeared in the middle of the road I swear…-
-…Hospital…-
-…Ambulance…-
-…Head Wound. She's losing too much blood!...-
Blood. The overpowering smell of blood rang in my senses, coppery tang and iron oxide within. The smell after it has been mixed with motor oil and filthy rain water.
The fuzzy sounds quieted down after a minute, as the wail of an ambulance siren overpowered it.
As strong arms lifted me into the back, it finally dawned on me that it had been my blood I was smelling.
'Well whatever,' I thought as the warm feeling overtook me once more, 'I just wanna be warm again.'
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A/N Because not every ROB can just conveniently drop the SI off into an abandoned alley/ field/ space or something. Sometimes they mess up too.
Are you saying that not every Random Omnipotent Being is Omnipotent? Because that's what it looks like to me. If they're not omnipotent, then they're not a ROB. Just a random very powerful (but not all-powerful) being. Now, if they meant to put the SI in front of a moving car on the other hand...
Not much to comment on the story itself though. I'm glad you chose not to actually put the ROB in the story and the different start is promising. Getting hit by truck-kun after being isekai'd instead of before is certainly new to me.
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I'm not saying that they aren't omnipotent and accidentally screwed up where they plopped down our protagonist, but I'm also not saying that they are omnipotent and thought the other ROBs were lame for putting their chosen SI in a nice spot to get oriented with the world through. And that is all.
Now if it's the first I could just point out that ROB is simply the easiest way to call the being that plops the SI into the story.
And if it's the second, well now wouldn't that just be malicious.
Who knows~
Also Truck-kun feels bad about hitting her, he just wants to be loved. He doesn't mean to love someone by hitting them, but when you've got as much overwhelming force behind you as he does, it's kinda hard to stop.
Thanks for the comment!!!
Stormbringer117
Soulless
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- Australia
Don't spend too long on the 'child years', I once read a fic that had 20 chapters (2-3k) of child years.
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- Home
I'm not quite sure what you mean by child years? She transmigrated over as a teen body.
I thought I made it clear that she was just dropped body and all into a busy street. If that's not clear enough I can rewrite it.
Speaking of, I just want to mention that there is a time skip between the prologue and the next chapter so we won't be dealing with the immediate aftershocks of being dropped into a busy street. I plan to write how she got from here to where she is in the next chapter in interludes.
This is mainly for two reasons, 1. What I have planned for the time within the time skip isn't very arc like. There isn't a clear climax and most of it is set up. 2. I want to get to the Young Justice side of things sooner rather than later. I'm already going to have one arc before she meets the Team, I didn't feel the need to have two arcs before she meets the Team, with one arc being set up for another arc.
Thank you for your comment!
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/They
Not a bad start, but only barely a start. Watched, but reserving judgement for now.
Stormbringer117
Soulless
- Location
- Australia
I misunderstood, I thought the Protagonist was in the womb. And and could somehow(superpowers!) hear out it.
And the mother had been hit by a car, and the Protagonist could hear them as well.
Clearly I was mistaken. But thank you for your understanding response.
I'll be watching to see how this develops further.
- Location
- Alaska
This SI seems awfully blase about just getting hit by a truck and being on the verge of death.
- Location
- Home
To be fair to her, she's only blase about it because she is in shock and is not concious throughout most of the chapter, it's like in the morning when your alarm clock wakes you up and you hit the snooze button but you're not fully asleep and can hear snippets of your roommate arguing with her boyfriend from the room next to yours.
The parts where she is concious she is panicking, and freaking out because she can't move
Especially at the end, she only ignores it because she is truly passing back out again
If this wasn't clear from the text I can try to rewrite it.
Thank you for your comment.
Iron 1.1
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- Home
Okay, I figured that I would try to get this first chapter out early because the prologue was so short. I mentioned earlier that there was a rather large time skip. This is it. If you want to see the aftermath of the first chapter and how she got to where she is now that will be posted in interludes down the line.
This is also the start of the crossover elements and where I begin to incorporate the DCAU elements.
I am a little nervous about this one because it involves a lot of motion and I am terrible at describing the way things move.
It's also unbetaed so I'm sure their will be some grammar issues that I'll try to go through and fix.
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08|24
3:34 P.M.
The baton shines as the sun reflects of its metal shaft as it twirls in the air before land in my open palm when I grasp it.
Aluminum. Steel.
There isn't a very large park gathered here today in the park where I twirl. Metropolis is used to such sights, in a land where Superman creates sonic booms almost every day, one teenage girl baton twirling in the park isn't going to catch much attention.
That's fine. I don't need a large crowd to notice me. I just need one specific person to notice me.
The music ends after my final catch, and I stop twirling for a moment to take a drink of water, hands brushing against the second baton next to me. As I reach down into my sports bag to grab a plastic bottle, I surreptitiously reach towards my I ear to turn on the communicator within.
Copper. Aluminum.
"Railgun," I radio in as I uncap my bottle, voice clipped and serious, "Have you spotted the target yet?"
The mini speaker crackles with electricity as the other teenager radios back.
"I've seen nothing of the asshole yet Polaris, have you been obvious enough about what you were doing."
I held back the annoyance in my voice at the dismissive tone of her words.
"I've been as obvious as I can be without being so obvious that they know it's a trap."
My annoyance must have leaked through anyway as she immediately apologizes.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you Polaris, I know you've been doing your best. It's just that we've been baiting this guy for over a week now, and the longer we wait the longer those kids are stuck there."
I take a long sip of my water as I consider how to respond to her apology.
"I know you're just concerned for them, but I also know that if I make what I'm doing too obvious, the target is going to realize that I'm the bait. I'm going to go back and put on another show. Keep watch Railgun."
With those parting words, I grab one of my batons again and restart the old boombox I'm using to project the music to central park
Aluminum, Ferrofluid, Titanium
A smile finds its way onto my face as I let myself be taken away in the comforting feeling of the constantly shifting weight of the baton as it is propelled around my finger only to be caught by the one next to it.
I shift my arm so that the baton is parallel to my elbow, always have to be careful not to get hit with it there. It turns into a ring before I turn it perpendicular, like the world's worst kayak paddle.
The tempo speeds up and so do I as the baton is raised above my head in a loop, changing from hand to hand before I preform a crossover under one leg. I have to make sure not neglect my feet either, as I pirouette baton in hand. The music is reaching climax of its chorus now as I prepare for my big move. I make sure that my hand is level as the baton turns creating a metal ring, with a push the baton is shooting straight up in the air as I turn around so I'm not facing it, one hand pressed against the small of my back. The baton flips three times in the air before hitting my hand right where I intended it to, to the awe of the small crowd.
The song goes on, but I've made my move. I finish the loose choreography, grape vining and twirling to the beat. I get another bit of awe out of the crowd as twirl the baton around one palm, letting the force of the turns push it right back into my palms.
The music fades away and I make a show out of breathing heavily, beads of sweat running down my forehead. The crowd claps for me, and then they dissipate to move on with their day. All except one beefy man in a suit and bowler hat that practically screams evil minion.
I pretend not to notice this fact as I walk over to my bag to grab my second baton.
"Railgun. I think I've found our way in, stand by for tracking."
I pull out my water bottle to drink, carefully noting the man's movements as he comes over to approach me, the fakest smile I have ever seen in my life on his face.
Steel, Aluminum, Potassium
A gun then, a pistol from its composition. I can handle that.
"That was a wonderful performance today. I have never seen anyone baton twirl with as much skill as you."
God. Even his voice is slimy, it feels like a pedophilic slug is climbing up my neck.
"I'm-I'm sure you must be exaggerating, but the complement is, uh, very nice mister-mister…" I try to put nerves into my voice to give off the air of a girl who might have been caught with her arm in the cookie jar, but she doesn't know for sure yet.
"James, James Boscovich. I assure it is not just an idle complement. Being able to make the baton flip three times in the air and still catch it with your back turned, the way you flipped it perfectly around your arm, and how you never made a single mistake or even came close to dropping it is astounding. Your performance just now was perfect." God his smile is even my slimy now, ewww.
"I- thank you, but, you see, I'm not. I should really be going now it was nice talking to you sir." I hurriedly exaggerate my movements as I make a show of trying to pack up everything into my duffle bag.
"No. Don't go yet. My employer, Lex Luthor, always has an eye out for quality. I think you fit the bar. If you would be willing to…preform, let's call it, for him, I'm sure he would reward you greatly." He makes a point of letting me see the handgun strapped to his thigh. Not a threat, if I had the kind of abilities he thinks I have it would not be a threat. A show of force then, making it quite clear what kind of offer he's really giving me behind his thin veneer of politeness.
I add a huff to my voice. "I'm very sorry but while he is a great businessman, Lex Luthor is very low on my list of people I want to be anywhere near. Thank you for the offer mister. Have a good day." I turned away from him to leave when I caught a rustle in the leaves of the tree next to me.
Steel, Titanium
Swords. Not Railgun then. His back up.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't a request. You will be coming with me, all you did was turn down the easy way. Cheshire, get her for me."
A lady with two sais jumps down from the trees. She wears thigh-high black boots, black gloves, and a green kimono top, but the most notable thing about her is her grinning cat like mask under her bushy black hair.
Cheshire. Jade Nguyen. If I remember correctly she hooks up with Roy Harper and has a kid with him. Wonder where that's going.
She comes at me quickly with her sais before I notice. Her sais go wide and I make a show of attempting to block them with my batons, slipping the rod into the tendril things at the end. She gets my baton loose before I can wrest them from her hands and she changes tactics aiming for a kick to my head instead. That connects. I fall to the ground, seemingly losing consciousness from the force of the blow, as the slimeball arranges me to be transported into a nearby getaway car.
My hair hides my smirk as they push me in, the idiots never notice the short brown-haired girl who crackles with electricity in the trees behind them.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Gotcha.
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Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Some of it was meant to be a little confusing, but I will try to answer any questions and take any suggestions to make this chapter as clear as possible.
Edit: I had to rush out and forgot to say this, but she's twirling to Please Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna, in case you were wondering.
This is also the start of the crossover elements and where I begin to incorporate the DCAU elements.
I am a little nervous about this one because it involves a lot of motion and I am terrible at describing the way things move.
It's also unbetaed so I'm sure their will be some grammar issues that I'll try to go through and fix.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
08|24
3:34 P.M.
The baton shines as the sun reflects of its metal shaft as it twirls in the air before land in my open palm when I grasp it.
Aluminum. Steel.
There isn't a very large park gathered here today in the park where I twirl. Metropolis is used to such sights, in a land where Superman creates sonic booms almost every day, one teenage girl baton twirling in the park isn't going to catch much attention.
That's fine. I don't need a large crowd to notice me. I just need one specific person to notice me.
The music ends after my final catch, and I stop twirling for a moment to take a drink of water, hands brushing against the second baton next to me. As I reach down into my sports bag to grab a plastic bottle, I surreptitiously reach towards my I ear to turn on the communicator within.
Copper. Aluminum.
"Railgun," I radio in as I uncap my bottle, voice clipped and serious, "Have you spotted the target yet?"
The mini speaker crackles with electricity as the other teenager radios back.
"I've seen nothing of the asshole yet Polaris, have you been obvious enough about what you were doing."
I held back the annoyance in my voice at the dismissive tone of her words.
"I've been as obvious as I can be without being so obvious that they know it's a trap."
My annoyance must have leaked through anyway as she immediately apologizes.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you Polaris, I know you've been doing your best. It's just that we've been baiting this guy for over a week now, and the longer we wait the longer those kids are stuck there."
I take a long sip of my water as I consider how to respond to her apology.
"I know you're just concerned for them, but I also know that if I make what I'm doing too obvious, the target is going to realize that I'm the bait. I'm going to go back and put on another show. Keep watch Railgun."
With those parting words, I grab one of my batons again and restart the old boombox I'm using to project the music to central park
Aluminum, Ferrofluid, Titanium
A smile finds its way onto my face as I let myself be taken away in the comforting feeling of the constantly shifting weight of the baton as it is propelled around my finger only to be caught by the one next to it.
I shift my arm so that the baton is parallel to my elbow, always have to be careful not to get hit with it there. It turns into a ring before I turn it perpendicular, like the world's worst kayak paddle.
The tempo speeds up and so do I as the baton is raised above my head in a loop, changing from hand to hand before I preform a crossover under one leg. I have to make sure not neglect my feet either, as I pirouette baton in hand. The music is reaching climax of its chorus now as I prepare for my big move. I make sure that my hand is level as the baton turns creating a metal ring, with a push the baton is shooting straight up in the air as I turn around so I'm not facing it, one hand pressed against the small of my back. The baton flips three times in the air before hitting my hand right where I intended it to, to the awe of the small crowd.
The song goes on, but I've made my move. I finish the loose choreography, grape vining and twirling to the beat. I get another bit of awe out of the crowd as twirl the baton around one palm, letting the force of the turns push it right back into my palms.
The music fades away and I make a show out of breathing heavily, beads of sweat running down my forehead. The crowd claps for me, and then they dissipate to move on with their day. All except one beefy man in a suit and bowler hat that practically screams evil minion.
I pretend not to notice this fact as I walk over to my bag to grab my second baton.
"Railgun. I think I've found our way in, stand by for tracking."
I pull out my water bottle to drink, carefully noting the man's movements as he comes over to approach me, the fakest smile I have ever seen in my life on his face.
Steel, Aluminum, Potassium
A gun then, a pistol from its composition. I can handle that.
"That was a wonderful performance today. I have never seen anyone baton twirl with as much skill as you."
God. Even his voice is slimy, it feels like a pedophilic slug is climbing up my neck.
"I'm-I'm sure you must be exaggerating, but the complement is, uh, very nice mister-mister…" I try to put nerves into my voice to give off the air of a girl who might have been caught with her arm in the cookie jar, but she doesn't know for sure yet.
"James, James Boscovich. I assure it is not just an idle complement. Being able to make the baton flip three times in the air and still catch it with your back turned, the way you flipped it perfectly around your arm, and how you never made a single mistake or even came close to dropping it is astounding. Your performance just now was perfect." God his smile is even my slimy now, ewww.
"I- thank you, but, you see, I'm not. I should really be going now it was nice talking to you sir." I hurriedly exaggerate my movements as I make a show of trying to pack up everything into my duffle bag.
"No. Don't go yet. My employer, Lex Luthor, always has an eye out for quality. I think you fit the bar. If you would be willing to…preform, let's call it, for him, I'm sure he would reward you greatly." He makes a point of letting me see the handgun strapped to his thigh. Not a threat, if I had the kind of abilities he thinks I have it would not be a threat. A show of force then, making it quite clear what kind of offer he's really giving me behind his thin veneer of politeness.
I add a huff to my voice. "I'm very sorry but while he is a great businessman, Lex Luthor is very low on my list of people I want to be anywhere near. Thank you for the offer mister. Have a good day." I turned away from him to leave when I caught a rustle in the leaves of the tree next to me.
Steel, Titanium
Swords. Not Railgun then. His back up.
"I'm sorry. That wasn't a request. You will be coming with me, all you did was turn down the easy way. Cheshire, get her for me."
A lady with two sais jumps down from the trees. She wears thigh-high black boots, black gloves, and a green kimono top, but the most notable thing about her is her grinning cat like mask under her bushy black hair.
Cheshire. Jade Nguyen. If I remember correctly she hooks up with Roy Harper and has a kid with him. Wonder where that's going.
She comes at me quickly with her sais before I notice. Her sais go wide and I make a show of attempting to block them with my batons, slipping the rod into the tendril things at the end. She gets my baton loose before I can wrest them from her hands and she changes tactics aiming for a kick to my head instead. That connects. I fall to the ground, seemingly losing consciousness from the force of the blow, as the slimeball arranges me to be transported into a nearby getaway car.
My hair hides my smirk as they push me in, the idiots never notice the short brown-haired girl who crackles with electricity in the trees behind them.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
Gotcha.
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Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions? Some of it was meant to be a little confusing, but I will try to answer any questions and take any suggestions to make this chapter as clear as possible.
Edit: I had to rush out and forgot to say this, but she's twirling to Please Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna, in case you were wondering.
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JustinTim3
Lost soul of Ashes
- Location
- iowa
Think your mixing omnipotent with omniscient. One means they have unlimited power the other means they have unlimited knowledge. A ROB being Omnipotent doesn't mean he's also omniscient. A being with omnipotence can still be as dumb as a bag of bricks.
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- Location
- Alaska
So...
I'm honestly not trying to be rude here, but I have a lot of very basic questions that were *not at all* made clear in the text.
How long was this time skip? Who is Railgun? Who is the SI? Why is she baton-twirling in the park in hopes of... getting captured by a child molester? Why is Lex Luthor hiring pedophiles? How is Cheshire involved? Can the SI sense the composition of objects nearby or something? How at all does this chapter relate to the one before it?
In short: who is this girl, what is she doing, why is she doing it, and why should we care?
I'm honestly not trying to be rude here, but I have a lot of very basic questions that were *not at all* made clear in the text.
How long was this time skip? Who is Railgun? Who is the SI? Why is she baton-twirling in the park in hopes of... getting captured by a child molester? Why is Lex Luthor hiring pedophiles? How is Cheshire involved? Can the SI sense the composition of objects nearby or something? How at all does this chapter relate to the one before it?
In short: who is this girl, what is she doing, why is she doing it, and why should we care?
- Location
- Home
Okay. So I was wondering if these sorts of questions would come up.
I was trying to go for some mystique as to what's going on but I was worried that it would end up too confusing, and it seems like I was right.
Okay so, in order.
1. The time skip isn't made clear yet, it will be in the interludes but partially I haven't panted out the exact amount of time, but around several months.
2. Railgun is the first of the crossover characters I was mentioning mostly as background to these original arcs, but for now she's the OCs partner on this mission.
3. Who the SI is will hopefully be cleared up a bit more next chapter like with her name and everything
4. So, this one I guess I didn't make this clear, she's not getting captured by a pedophile. That line about it was meant to convey how slimy he is, but he's not a pedophile. Poor word choice on my part I guess, but he's just a hired goon. Like just one of the enemy mooks to knock down.
5. She's not just baton twirling, I was trying to imply subtly that she was using her powers of "Telepathy" to make sure the baton show went perfectly. She never dropped it. She never faltered.
As for why this was supposed to attract Lex Luthor's attention, well, slight spoiler but it's fairly minor as it is mostly background info and what will be explained next chapter.
Ok, so in the original DCAU Cadmus was run by the government and conducted experiments on meta-humans to make them into living weapons. In Young Justice on the other hand it was run by the light and when it falls Lex takes most of the experiments away. This never really comes up again other than with Arsenal and Match, but I was thinking that Cadmus had to be running more illegal experiments than that so I decided to sort of combine the two. Our SI has demonstrated "Telepathy" in her preformances and she seems to be just a poor street preformer making her ideal to be taken away and experimented on which is what she wants so that she and her partner can gain access to his facility and shut it down, rescuing everyone in there.
6. Cheshire is involved because I wanted the mooks backup to be a recognizable character and she was the first one to come to mind, I like to think of her being put on this easy job because of Lex's partnership with the shadows. Of course if this strains suspension of disbelief too much, I can change it.
7. Close. I am trying to be subtle about what her powers actually are until the big reveal, but that is sort of one aspect of her powers. Think about what parts of the composition she listed, and what they all have in common. These might not be totally accurate because I just googled this, but I tried.
8. This chapter relates to the one before it because that one was just about how she landed in Earth-16. This is much later and shows where she is now and from here how it will spring into the actual Young Justice parts. How she got from the prologue to here will be explained in interludes, and a lot more of the specifics of why she's doing what she's doing will be explained next chapter.
As to why baton twirling. It's because I actually did baton twirling and still do it. I'm exaggerating the moves here as they take a much higher level of skill than I have, but they are all real moves. I wanted to be able to try to attach emotion to her movements and nothing is more emotional to me movement wise than the comforting feeling of baton twirling.
You weren't rude at all and you brought up some very good questions. You were meant to be unsure of what's going on for some of it but I wasn't sure how much I could put in before everything just became unfollowable. These are very useful things to point out to me and I'll try and dial it back.
Thank you very much for your comment!!! It really helps to know what I need to work on or just what people think of my writing.
Thanks!!!
You fixed the most prominent issue - lack of line breaks, so I think my only real issue was the... lack of subtlety on the part of the mook. Probably would have made more sense if, rather than a takedown in broad daylight in the middle of a crowded park with an internationally known assassin, if the mook had made his offer, got turned down, and then they grabbed her when she left the park.A lot less witnesses, and more within the realm of plausibility.
Otherwise, addressing the points the other poster brought up- I didn't have any difficulty inferring most of the info in question from what we received in the chapter. Not everything needs to be spelled out immediately, and the few questions i did have, I can assume would be handled in the next couple chapters.
For beginning in media res, you did a good job blocking through a lot of the salient info in a short period of time- It was clear she was allied with... looks like Misaka, honestly, and that they had a plan to lure in someone who has been grabbing girls for sinister reasons, by implying that the MC is a metahuman, allowing them to trojan horse the kidnappers.
Like I said, not everything needs to be spelled out in fifty foot neon letters. Sometimes things need clarification, but this here, I think was solid for a beginning.
Otherwise, addressing the points the other poster brought up- I didn't have any difficulty inferring most of the info in question from what we received in the chapter. Not everything needs to be spelled out immediately, and the few questions i did have, I can assume would be handled in the next couple chapters.
For beginning in media res, you did a good job blocking through a lot of the salient info in a short period of time- It was clear she was allied with... looks like Misaka, honestly, and that they had a plan to lure in someone who has been grabbing girls for sinister reasons, by implying that the MC is a metahuman, allowing them to trojan horse the kidnappers.
Like I said, not everything needs to be spelled out in fifty foot neon letters. Sometimes things need clarification, but this here, I think was solid for a beginning.
- Location
- Home
I didn't even consider the witnesses thing. Derp on my part for that. But that is actually a really good idea, do you mind if I borrowed it to rewrite the ending?
I have an issue with those, because I write my manuscript in Word and then copy and paste it into SV, but for some reason it takes out all my indents and smushes all the paragraphs together so I have to manually go through and indent and space out each line, and I just missed almost the entirety of the bottom half of this chapter.
Thanks for the comment!!! Constructive critcism is always helpful.
For the first part, yeah, go right ahead. I mentioned it with the intent that any suggestions I make are totally up for grabs to use or not use.
For the second part, yeah... I think I have the same problem. If you're crossposting this fic in SB also, they use the same system, so if you post here and fix the spacing, you can copy paste that to SB and it will keep any format changes you make.
- Location
- United States
- Pronouns
- She/They
Probably this.
- Location
- Home
Thank you!
I'm not actually crossposting this to SB, but I noticed that from whenever my sister tries to crosspost from her SV account to her SB account.
You are exactly right.
Honestly despite it being made as a lackluster 2000s harem anime. the ToAru series is fucking epic.
Even if the main protagonist is boring as fuck, most of the side characters are super interesting, and it's basically a shared universe. A good chunk of the story lines don't even involve him.
Also the power system is so unique and grounded for both the science side and the magic side.
All the magic stuff is based off of real world belief systems, from Feng Shui, to Catholicism, to Greek Mythology.
The science stuff is even more awesome because it's like the creator went: Look let's take some standard powers and add SCIENCE to them.
Hell, there's an entire character who's power is defined as Vector Manipulation and he is objectively one of the most OP characters in the series, his only weakness (besides the protagonists power canceling hand) is how well he is able to calculate the vectors he is controlling.
Behold.
Why She's Called Railgun
Other Awesome Uses of Her Powers (Skip to 1:50 to get straight to the fight scene)
Flipping Accelerator!!!
The Sisters Arc from Railgun S remains one of the best arcs I have seen in anime to this day.
Also, Only My Railgun is forever one my favorite anime openings
And we're finally getting a third season this year!!!
Cough Cough
Sorry to derail this post like that but if you can get past the flatness of the protagonist and the slowness of the opening arc of Index or even just watch Railgun, this show is crazy awesome with it's world, characters, and inventive use of powers.
*End Nergasm There*
Thank you guys for all your comments, and I'm sorry I ranted so long about ToAru.
- Location
- United States
- Pronouns
- She/They
Sadly, the calcs for Misaka don't quite work out. The "muzzle velocity" of her coin is only about half again greater than an ak47, and half of real life railguns. Also I think you could get better acceleration just with a cylindrical magnetic field than the actual railgun effect, but I'm too sick to run the numbers.
- Location
- Home
Well sure, the science isn't exactly right when you crunch the numbers but the fact that the creator thought of uses for electricity powers besides just shock everything is really cool and something I have almost never seen.
Iron 1.2
- Location
- Home
So this should hopefully answer some of the questions you had with the last chapter. If anything is still super unclear, let me know and I'l answer if I can. I hope I conveyed what was happening well enough. Comments are always appreciated, feel free to give any constructive criticism.
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08|24
9.56 P.M.
I awoke to an unfamiliar ceiling.
I was strapped to some sort of hospital bed, clothed only in a hospital gown and some sort of electronic collar around my neck.
Lithium, Steel, Copper
The room was completely white except for the large beeping machines that sat in the middle. There were men whom I thought were scientists, based on their lab coats and facemasks, standing around me and constantly taking notes.
"Subject 24129 has regained consciousness. Monitor vital signs and any change of brain waves."
"I-What? What's going on? Where am I?" I blinked my eyes several times for effect, to truly make sure I gave off the air of an innocent confused street rat.
"Subject appears to be shocked but vital signs are steady. Brainwaves are steady as well. Inhibitor seems to work perfectly."
I struggle against my bonds.
"Let me go! You can't keep me here, it's against the law. Let. Me. Go." I screw up my face in seemingly intense concentration.
"Subject is struggling against bonds. Deploy shock punishment, Level 1."
The collar thrummed with electricity, delivering painful shocks throughout my body as I screamed myself hoarse. Fuck that hurts.
When the shock was over I sat there panting to try and regain my breath. The scientists' expression didn't waver at all.
"Shock treatment administered. Subject appears to have calmed down. Beginning report and examination." With that final statement, one of the scientists walked over to me and hit a button near my bed that opened up an elevator thingy.
The Fuck.
The area of the floor my bed was on slowly started descending down a narrow hole before depositing me in what looked like if you combined a classic martial arts dojo and a shooting range. There were human shaped dummies and rifles strapped to the walls. The scientist dropped down behind me and continued to speak into a little voice recorder.
"Beginning file. Subject Number: 24129. Real Name: Irene Vega. Age: 16 Years Old. Presumed Power: Minor Telekinesis. Begin tests now. Disabling first level of the power inhibitor."
The iron bonds that strapped me to the bed released, allowing me to stand up shakily.
He then turned towards me and pointed at one of the dummies, this one the classic rubber man on a stick.
"Subject, attempt to throw Dummy #1 into the wall."
An expression of surprise was painted on to my face.
"What? Fuck no. I'm not listening to anything you bastards say!" I lifted my hands up like I was going to attempt to shove him.
"Subject is disobedient. Deploy shock punishment. Level 2.
The electricity was even worse now. I swore I was never going to laugh at whoever became Railgun's sparring partner ever again.
"Attempt to throw Dummy #1 into the wall. If you fail to comply you will have to be punished with Level 3."
I was definitely complying at this point. I looked at the dummy again.
Iron
Easy enough. I closed my eyes and reached to the invisible forces that connected me to everything I could sense in the room and pushed.
I couldn't push so much as to actually make it fly into the wall. He wasn't expecting me to as I only had "minor telekinesis" instead, I only pushed hard enough for it to tip in the direction of the wall before it crashed.
I fell to the floor breathing heavily.
"As suspected, Subject only has minor levels of telekinesis. Objects are presumably linked to weight. Only preforming one test tonight. Other subjects to attend to."
My ears perked up at the last line. Other subjects. Existence of other meta-test subjects confirmed.
"Sending subject back up to monitoring chamber. Prepare nutrient shot."
I tried to move away from the bed, but it followed me on a track, forcing me to fall back on it.
"Enabling first level of the power inhibitor."
The bonds snapped back into place around my limbs. The bed then moved back into position and rose to the top. I was in the all-white room again, but this time there was only one scientist in there with me. This one was hold a syringe filled with what looked like brown goop.
As soon as my bed settled in place, he grabbed my arm and stuck the needle inside. I watched in abject disgust as the goop slowly left the tube of the syringe and went into my arm. Ewww.
When all the goo was gone he took the needle out of my arm and left me alone in my pure white room, locking the Iron padlock with a resounding *thunk*
Once he was gone I took a deep breath. I was under no illusions that this room wasn't filled with cameras and bugs and all sorts of nasty little monitoring devices, but at least I didn't constantly have to be acting now.
The room glowed with harsh fluorescent light as I calmly reflected on what had happened today, my hands moving in what little way they could to absentmindedly brush the scale tattoo that was Judgement's symbol on my hip.
Judgement.
That was the name of the organization I was doing this for. I wasn't always on this world, this version of planet earth. One day I was transported from my life in another world to a version of DC comics. I still had no clue what version I was on it honestly seemed like it could be any mainstream version of the world that I had grown up reading and watching.
Well, except the Snyder movies. It was definitely not the Snyder movies.
Some being somewhere dropped me into this world in the middle of midday traffic. I still remember waking up in the hospital afterwards, two broken legs, an arm, and a fractured skull with brain bleeding. This shock collar has nothing on that.
In most DC comics you only ever see two types of metahumans, good and evil. I mean okay there are antiheroes and antivillains as well, but the point remains. You generally only see heroes and villains with powers, but logically not everyone who activates the metahuman gene is fully good or full evil. Most of them don't want the power in the first place.
The first issue of Spider-Man once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." But being a hero, getting out their everyday in spandex to fight crime is hard. You have to make time for it, you have some fighting ability outside your power to make sure you survive, and you have to have the courage to run into horrible situations every day that you know you might not survive. Why do all superheroes and villains have tragic backstories? They have to in order to justify them being willing to do what they do.
But even beyond those that just can't bring themselves to be a hero, what about those metahumans that don't get a choice. Every metahuman has a power that normal humans, that are not part of the batfamily, can match. Even for the most minor of powers, they are still beyond the norm, so like this who can stop some from looking at them and seeing a powerful new weapon.
Telepathic spies that can communicate enemy secrets undetected. Super strong soldiers that can rip conventional tanks to shreds with their bare hands. Invisible assassins that nobody can catch. Greedy people like Lex Luthor or General Eiling look at these people, normal people, teens, children, and think of the best way to exploit them for all they can at the cost of the lives of the people they are controlling.
It's disgusting how horrible people like them can be. So, determined to look at profit and power that innocent people's lives are turned to nothing.
People like them make me sick.
I was snapped out of my angry reverie by a slight creak in my bed.
Shoot.
I hurriedly took deep breaths to calm myself down.
Stupid. You can't lose control of your emotions right now. This mission is important.
After I took in a few more deep breaths to calm myself down, I went back to rubbing my tattoo best I could.
I hate those kinds of people, with their stupid, greedy ways that make me want to physically hurl.
But that's why I took this mission. That's why Judgement exists in the first place.
To help save people, well mostly metahumans in our case, that can't help themselves. We help extract them from horrible situations and use a help network to get them into a better one. We have therapy and training so that they can learn to control their powers, and then we send then back out into the world to be whatever they choose. After you are deemed fit to be a part of society again, there is the choice of working for Judgement as an agent instead, but most people choose not to, and it is not encouraged.
I mean I chose to, but I'm in a bit of a special circumstance.
Honestly, I'm super grateful for all Judgement has done for me after my incredibly rocky entry into this world.
All the mushy stuff aside, it's time for me to play my part in the mission besides just acting as the bait.
I closed my eyes and try to sense the building around me.
Iron Restraints, Iron Padlocks, Copper Wires, Lithium Batteries, Steel Doors, Titanium Swords, Potassium Gunpowder
Five children taken away after weird events happened around them. Seven heart monitors. Five power inhibitors. Nine copper power cords connected to some sort of spherical shape. One Steel rim of a human sized tube.
My eyes sprung open. At least seven targets, not five. Wait to lull them into a false sense of security.
Mission. Start.
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Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?
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08|24
9.56 P.M.
I awoke to an unfamiliar ceiling.
I was strapped to some sort of hospital bed, clothed only in a hospital gown and some sort of electronic collar around my neck.
Lithium, Steel, Copper
The room was completely white except for the large beeping machines that sat in the middle. There were men whom I thought were scientists, based on their lab coats and facemasks, standing around me and constantly taking notes.
"Subject 24129 has regained consciousness. Monitor vital signs and any change of brain waves."
"I-What? What's going on? Where am I?" I blinked my eyes several times for effect, to truly make sure I gave off the air of an innocent confused street rat.
"Subject appears to be shocked but vital signs are steady. Brainwaves are steady as well. Inhibitor seems to work perfectly."
I struggle against my bonds.
"Let me go! You can't keep me here, it's against the law. Let. Me. Go." I screw up my face in seemingly intense concentration.
"Subject is struggling against bonds. Deploy shock punishment, Level 1."
The collar thrummed with electricity, delivering painful shocks throughout my body as I screamed myself hoarse. Fuck that hurts.
When the shock was over I sat there panting to try and regain my breath. The scientists' expression didn't waver at all.
"Shock treatment administered. Subject appears to have calmed down. Beginning report and examination." With that final statement, one of the scientists walked over to me and hit a button near my bed that opened up an elevator thingy.
The Fuck.
The area of the floor my bed was on slowly started descending down a narrow hole before depositing me in what looked like if you combined a classic martial arts dojo and a shooting range. There were human shaped dummies and rifles strapped to the walls. The scientist dropped down behind me and continued to speak into a little voice recorder.
"Beginning file. Subject Number: 24129. Real Name: Irene Vega. Age: 16 Years Old. Presumed Power: Minor Telekinesis. Begin tests now. Disabling first level of the power inhibitor."
The iron bonds that strapped me to the bed released, allowing me to stand up shakily.
He then turned towards me and pointed at one of the dummies, this one the classic rubber man on a stick.
"Subject, attempt to throw Dummy #1 into the wall."
An expression of surprise was painted on to my face.
"What? Fuck no. I'm not listening to anything you bastards say!" I lifted my hands up like I was going to attempt to shove him.
"Subject is disobedient. Deploy shock punishment. Level 2.
The electricity was even worse now. I swore I was never going to laugh at whoever became Railgun's sparring partner ever again.
"Attempt to throw Dummy #1 into the wall. If you fail to comply you will have to be punished with Level 3."
I was definitely complying at this point. I looked at the dummy again.
Iron
Easy enough. I closed my eyes and reached to the invisible forces that connected me to everything I could sense in the room and pushed.
I couldn't push so much as to actually make it fly into the wall. He wasn't expecting me to as I only had "minor telekinesis" instead, I only pushed hard enough for it to tip in the direction of the wall before it crashed.
I fell to the floor breathing heavily.
"As suspected, Subject only has minor levels of telekinesis. Objects are presumably linked to weight. Only preforming one test tonight. Other subjects to attend to."
My ears perked up at the last line. Other subjects. Existence of other meta-test subjects confirmed.
"Sending subject back up to monitoring chamber. Prepare nutrient shot."
I tried to move away from the bed, but it followed me on a track, forcing me to fall back on it.
"Enabling first level of the power inhibitor."
The bonds snapped back into place around my limbs. The bed then moved back into position and rose to the top. I was in the all-white room again, but this time there was only one scientist in there with me. This one was hold a syringe filled with what looked like brown goop.
As soon as my bed settled in place, he grabbed my arm and stuck the needle inside. I watched in abject disgust as the goop slowly left the tube of the syringe and went into my arm. Ewww.
When all the goo was gone he took the needle out of my arm and left me alone in my pure white room, locking the Iron padlock with a resounding *thunk*
Once he was gone I took a deep breath. I was under no illusions that this room wasn't filled with cameras and bugs and all sorts of nasty little monitoring devices, but at least I didn't constantly have to be acting now.
The room glowed with harsh fluorescent light as I calmly reflected on what had happened today, my hands moving in what little way they could to absentmindedly brush the scale tattoo that was Judgement's symbol on my hip.
Judgement.
That was the name of the organization I was doing this for. I wasn't always on this world, this version of planet earth. One day I was transported from my life in another world to a version of DC comics. I still had no clue what version I was on it honestly seemed like it could be any mainstream version of the world that I had grown up reading and watching.
Well, except the Snyder movies. It was definitely not the Snyder movies.
Some being somewhere dropped me into this world in the middle of midday traffic. I still remember waking up in the hospital afterwards, two broken legs, an arm, and a fractured skull with brain bleeding. This shock collar has nothing on that.
In most DC comics you only ever see two types of metahumans, good and evil. I mean okay there are antiheroes and antivillains as well, but the point remains. You generally only see heroes and villains with powers, but logically not everyone who activates the metahuman gene is fully good or full evil. Most of them don't want the power in the first place.
The first issue of Spider-Man once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." But being a hero, getting out their everyday in spandex to fight crime is hard. You have to make time for it, you have some fighting ability outside your power to make sure you survive, and you have to have the courage to run into horrible situations every day that you know you might not survive. Why do all superheroes and villains have tragic backstories? They have to in order to justify them being willing to do what they do.
But even beyond those that just can't bring themselves to be a hero, what about those metahumans that don't get a choice. Every metahuman has a power that normal humans, that are not part of the batfamily, can match. Even for the most minor of powers, they are still beyond the norm, so like this who can stop some from looking at them and seeing a powerful new weapon.
Telepathic spies that can communicate enemy secrets undetected. Super strong soldiers that can rip conventional tanks to shreds with their bare hands. Invisible assassins that nobody can catch. Greedy people like Lex Luthor or General Eiling look at these people, normal people, teens, children, and think of the best way to exploit them for all they can at the cost of the lives of the people they are controlling.
It's disgusting how horrible people like them can be. So, determined to look at profit and power that innocent people's lives are turned to nothing.
People like them make me sick.
I was snapped out of my angry reverie by a slight creak in my bed.
Shoot.
I hurriedly took deep breaths to calm myself down.
Stupid. You can't lose control of your emotions right now. This mission is important.
After I took in a few more deep breaths to calm myself down, I went back to rubbing my tattoo best I could.
I hate those kinds of people, with their stupid, greedy ways that make me want to physically hurl.
But that's why I took this mission. That's why Judgement exists in the first place.
To help save people, well mostly metahumans in our case, that can't help themselves. We help extract them from horrible situations and use a help network to get them into a better one. We have therapy and training so that they can learn to control their powers, and then we send then back out into the world to be whatever they choose. After you are deemed fit to be a part of society again, there is the choice of working for Judgement as an agent instead, but most people choose not to, and it is not encouraged.
I mean I chose to, but I'm in a bit of a special circumstance.
Honestly, I'm super grateful for all Judgement has done for me after my incredibly rocky entry into this world.
All the mushy stuff aside, it's time for me to play my part in the mission besides just acting as the bait.
I closed my eyes and try to sense the building around me.
Iron Restraints, Iron Padlocks, Copper Wires, Lithium Batteries, Steel Doors, Titanium Swords, Potassium Gunpowder
Five children taken away after weird events happened around them. Seven heart monitors. Five power inhibitors. Nine copper power cords connected to some sort of spherical shape. One Steel rim of a human sized tube.
My eyes sprung open. At least seven targets, not five. Wait to lull them into a false sense of security.
Mission. Start.
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Comments? Thoughts? Suggestions?
edmantgoog
init high just high
I am still confused
- Location
- Home
What about? If you tell me can try to change the chapter to make it more readable. Or just clear things up if I can.
She is indeed controlling metal. I don't know if I made it clear enough in the chapter, but the only thing she moved was the metal base, so it didn't go flying into the wall like a throw, but rather tipped over like someone pushed it.
- Location
- United States
- Pronouns
- She/They
Is that all metals, or just the transition ones? Since she was able to sense lithium (unless she just recognized the shape of a battery), that implies she can control group 1 metals. If she can control trace amounts of them she can turn off nerves.