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Holy Gaming War (FSN)
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1. Holy Gaming War
Holy Gaming War
The arrow whistled as it flew through the air and it hit the skeleton straight in the head, causing the monster to fall down and the red light in its eyes to vanish.
"Good shot, Archer!" Rin yelled in excitement as she fought several skeletons as well, blasting their heads off with her gandr shots. From the corner of her eye she saw Archer firing arrow after arrow at the skeletons, and every arrow scored another kill.
It took less than a minute for them to clear up the street they were in. After all of the skeletons were destroyed they met each other near one of the stores in the middle of the street.
"Ha! I told you that upgrading your archery skill would be worth it, didn't I?" Rin placed a hand on her hip and pointed at Archer with her other arm.
Archer rolled his eyes in annoyance, though he couldn't hide his excitement, "Yeah, yeah, you were right and I was wrong. Though I do think that fighting stronger monsters would yield us better loot," He spoke in the tone of someone that was arguing for the sake of it, even though he knew he already lost."
Rin laughed, "True, but grinding a mass of lower level skeletons gives more exp. And don't forget that even they have a small chance of dropping a rare item."
Archer lowered his head in defeat and sighed. Rin took it as a sign she won that battle and moved on, "So which items did you get? I got some junk, a useless branch and an iron sword, but we already have one."
Archer nodded. While Rin lacked real combat experience, she did display some professional attitude. Overall working with her was both fun and effective, it didn't feel like she was holding him back.
"Rin, just remember that I can have a dual wielding skill, once we put a point or two into it we'll need another weapon," This sentence made Rin's face to twist into an annoyed expression for a bit before she sighed, "Alright... "
Archer knew that she thought that investing skill points into melee combat skills was a stupid decision, yet he insisted that once he reaches level 5 that she will allow him to upgrade it.
"I found some junk items, a higher than normal amount of gold, spiked gloves and... A reinforcement stone," Archer told Rin what he got and opened his menu to trade items with her. As a servant, it was natural that the master will be the one who handled all the loot, as usually they were more knowledgeable about the rules and mechanics of the grail war.
Item description said:
Rin looked at the item description window that appeared in front of her and frowned in concentration, "15% isn't that much, and reinforcement is usually useless anyway. It makes sense that it's such a low level item..."
She was going to comment about the fact that they got a rare item from the low level skeletons, but she decided to spare Archer the continuation of their argument.
"Hello there, Tohsaka. Farming some skeletons, eh?" A voice could be heard from behind her. Rin growled in annoyance and turn around to face the blue haired master known as Shinji.
"What's wrong, Matou-san? Did you forget your Servant at home?" She asked in a slightly amused tone.
In response Shinji glowered at her for a moment before smiling again, "No, no, she is right over there. I would have asked you to join forces again, but I guess that you still don't want to do that, right?"
Rin's eyes narrowed, usually Shinji wasn't that confident in himself, something was wrong.
And then she saw it. A giant eye appeared over one of the near city blocks, and from it extended a huge bounded field that covered several streets.
"What-?" Rin's eyes widened in surprise.
"Hahahaha!" Shinji laughed, seeing Rin making that kind of expression was so satisfying for him. "This is Rider's noble phantasm, with it we will be able to farm monsters so much quicker than you! Rider will level up and be the strongest servant."
"Tsk," Rin looked at the giant bounded field and could clearly hear the sound of many bones clattering on the ground as undoubtedly most of the skeletons inside it were destroyed. "Come Archer, let's leave."
Rin and Archer left, leaving the smug Shinji still laughing behind them.
"I swear that I'll get him for this. We are going to win this war, did you hear me, Archer!?"
Archer just nodded silently.
After a bit of walking it seemed that Rin calmed down and reasoning with her seemed possible again, "I wouldn't worry about Rider too much, Master."
Rin turned to Archer, but instead of saying something harsh she just muttered, "Why?"
Archer closed his eyes for a moment as he thought of how to explain the situation to Rin, "Rider is an early to mid game character, but she will be weak later on." It didn't seem like Rin understood what he was trying to say so he elaborated, "Her noble phantasm can be taken on lower level than average, and it can affect a large area. But in return it isn't that strong, and wouldn't be a valuable farming or combat tool later on in the grail war."
Rin snapped her fingers in excitement, "Oh, I understand! When we level up her noble phantasm won't help her kill higher level monsters, and would become more or less useless."
Archer nodded, "That's the gist of it. If Shinji was to start to hunt other players right now it would have been more dangerous, but he doesn't seem to be the type that would do something like that. Anyway, where are we going?"
Rin smiled at Archer, now that her concern over Rider and Shinji has been alleviated she felt much better. "We are going to Shirou's home. If I remember correctly he practices reinforcement magecraft, we could trade the reinforcement stone we found with them. I have a familiar spying on them, right now they are at his home."
Archer nodded and they continued to walk to Shirou's house. Luckily for them there wasn't any wandering monster around and they arrived rather quickly.
"Emiya-kun~" Rin knocked on the door and called to the owner of the house, who came to open the door for her.
"Tohsaka-san, what are you doing here?" He blinked his in confusion.
Rin just rolled her eyes and stepped inside, "What do you think? I came here to trade."
"Oh, well, that's good… I guess," Shirou followed the slightly annoyed Tohsaka into his own house, with Archer walking behind him. When they reached the living room Rin sat down in front of the stoic Saber and Shirou moved to sit at Saber's side. Archer just stood at the corner of the room and observed the conversation.
"I have this item, and I don't really have anything to do with it so I figured that I could trade it with another master," Rin gestured with her hand and trade window appeared in front of her and Shirou, with the reinforcement gem already in it.
Shirou tapped with his finger on the reinforcement gem and its stat window appeared in front of him. Saber leaned towards him to take a look as well, narrowing her eyes as she read the description of the item.
Saber and Shirou looked at each other, and Shirou wordlessly nodded. Rin wasn't sure what it meant, but she wasn't very patient at the moment, "I know that this item will help you, what can you offer me for it?"
To her great surprise, Saber spoke, "We are willing to offer you these gems," she opened a trade window by herself and place and placed two items in it.
Item description said:
Rin looked from the trade window to Saber, "That's it? Two common items for a rare one? The reinforcement stone is much better than these two gems."
Saber shook her head, "Not necessarily, a bonus of 15% is not all that helpful, and reinforcement magecraft is pretty useless when servants and powerful mages are around. I'm pretty sure that the only reason you are even willing to trade this is because you have nothing to do with it," When she heard that Rin looked to the side in embarrassment.
"But… It is still somewhat useful for us, I'm sure that Shirou will value even the slightest increase to his abilities as a magus, and reinforcement is pretty much the only spell he can use".
Saber tapped with her hand on the trade window and added another gem, "Here, 3 rank D gems for your reinforcement stone. It's the best trade you can get, Rin."
Rin sighed and clicked on the [Accept] button. She hoped for something better, but considering the reinforcement's stone poor stats it shouldn't be surprising that she could only get few low rank gems for it.
"Nice doing buisness with you, Emiya-kun," Rin lied with a smiling expression, "Me and Archer need to head out again, I hope that you are planning to actually participate in the war instead of resting in your house all day long."
Shirou chuckled, "No, no. You don't have to be worried about us," and escorted Rin outside.
Once she and Archer were gone he went back to the living room and slumped down near the table. "Shirou, I still don't have a very good understanding of these 'game mechanics', was the trade worth it?" Saber asked him. While she was as stoic as always, Shirou noticed that she was interested in the answer he was about to give.
Shirou chuckled, "Yes, more than you'd think. It seems that Rin isn't very good at RPG games either since she did such a silly trade."
From Saber's expression Shirou figured that she didn't completely understand what he was trying to say.
"Look at this," He opened the item description window again, "Sure, +15% to reinforcement isn't very good, but Rin missed this line, which completely changes the usefulness of the item."
Item description said:
Shirou pointed at one of the lines on the item's description, "This item is of the kind that can be upgraded, and depending on how much each upgrade adds we might be looking on an item that in the end would add 75% to reinforcement magecraft, and that's very useful."
"Ahh-" Saber hummed in understanding. She missed that as well, but she trusted Shirou's judgement when he indicated that he wanted her to trade something for the reinforcement stone.
"And this case is just a proof of what I told you," Shirou smiled slyly, "upgrading your charisma skill was the right decision, and it will help us throughout this entire war!"
Saber smiled back at him, she appreciated the fact that her master was knowledgeable about the mechanics of the holy grail war.
"And as for resting in the house…" Shirou trailed off.
BLING
Blue sparkles appeared around Saber as she suddenly received a buff, she curiously looked at her status screen to see what happened.
Status description said:
"Saber, let's go. We are not coming back home until you reach level 4!" Shirou held the reinforcement stone in his hand and rose on his feet.
Saber found her master's enthusiasm both amusing and encouraging. She rose as well and followed him outside.
Shirou walked outside and looked at the setting sun. It was only few days since the holy grail war has started, but he knew that this war would provide him with the means to achieve his dream. A dream that he had since he was a child was suddenly within reach, and he wasn't going to miss it.
Yes, if he could manage to win this war he could finally achieve his dream. He could finally become…
A professional gamer.
End of the 2nd day.
Current score:
| Username | Level | Points |
| TheBestPlayer | 5 | 397 |
| ProSaber420Nosc0pe¯\_(ツ)_/¯ | 4 | 384 |
| NuclearMissileSwordMeister(⌐■_■) | 3 | 280 |
| Illyasviel_Von_Einzbern | 3 | 210 |
| IrishThorn | 3 | 183 |
| Savior_Of_France | 2 | 189 |
| PylonMaster | 2 | 150 |
Last edited:
Oh I am slain!
Wynaut?
- Location
- Tatooine
This is quite a silly and fun premise. And the screen names were an amusing way to end the first chapter. 
(Maybe capitalize the title in the story post?)
(Maybe capitalize the title in the story post?)
Ars Poetica
ULTIMA RATIO NEMO OBLIGATUR
- Location
- The Kingdom of Fiore
- Pronouns
- He / Him / His
...I wonder who this could be! It truly is a mystery!
It's Bazett
(Kidding)
Funny is my body and silliness is my blood.This is quite a silly and fun premise. And the screen names were an amusing way to end the first chapter.
Good point, and done.
Last edited:
InfiniteDaze
Too lazy to leave the house
- Location
- I wish I could stay
I would type something witty here but my wit is having conflicting ideas on what to say. Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to chapter 2.
I was going to guess Kotomine, but I guess he was too busy eating his tofu to get around to offing her yet. Little does he know that he's giving Lancer a chance to get something that no lancer has ever had before: Upgraded Luck!It's Bazett
Few things are more terrifying than a Lancer not actively getting screwed by Fate.
Khawy
TITANNNNNNNNNNN
- Location
- The United States of America
Oh Shirou, you and your dank memes.
2. First blood
First blood not!
Morning of Day 3
It was a normal morning in the Matou household. Or at least, as normal as it has been since the start of the holy grail war. Sakura, Shinji and Rider were sitting around the table and eating the food Sakura cooked. Zouken was nowhere to be found.
"Thank you for the food, though it wasn't necessary," Rider spoke in her usual emotionless tone and placed her eating utensils back on the table. Shinji glanced at her for a moment, but decided to keep at eating his food instead of comment on that. He really didn't understand why Sakura would give food to Rider, was she trying to gain Rider's loyalty for herself?
Still, he had better things to do than to deal with his sister. Shinji rose from his chair, "Rider, we are leaving. We need to start early if we want to keep our advantage over Tohsaka and Emiya."
Rider followed him silently after glancing at Sakura. Sakura paused for a moment before she tried to talk to Shinji, "Erm, brother… I have played this kind of game before, if you tell me what you are planning I might be able to hel -"
Shinji cut her off, "Help? There's nothing you can do to help me, I can win this war by myself."
Shinji wasn't willing to admit that Sakura might be able to offer a useful advice. Ever since she was adopted into his family she got all of Zouken's attention and magical training. Dammit, he was the one who was supposed to be taught magic and get Zouken's collection of ancient board games.
Yes, Sakura got it all, but now he got the chance to prove himself, and he wasn't going to soil it by getting help from her.
"Master-?"
Rider's voice shook him from his deep thoughts. As much as he wanted to deal with Sakura, he had much better things to do, "Let's move, I don't have time for this."
Shinji left the house, not even glancing at Sakura. Rider shot Sakura one last look before she dematerialized and left as well, leaving Sakura truly alone.
Silence reigned over the house as Sakura hasn't even moved from her spot, as if she had no will at all.
"Sakura, it's time for your training. Finish up there and come to the workshop."
Sakura could hear Zouken's voice calling her, somehow she could hear it clearly despite him not being around. She moved to the kitchen to wash the dishes before descending to the basement, where Zouken waited for her.
The Matou were mages.
The basement was a large hall, whose walls were filled with holes to hold the Makiri's familiars. And in the center of the room was the place where she regularly trained herself in the second specialization of the Matou family.
In the center of the room were a chair and a table. To the side of the desk there was a large, black computer and on the table itself there were two rows of three screens, with another projector acting as a seventh screen (that projected on a white projection screen that hanged off one of the walls).
The were also gamers.
"Good, now sit down, finish your daily quests and watch the two let's play videos I opened for you. Do these things before you go to school," Zouken gave Sakura instructions before slowly walking away.
Sakura bit her lip and sat on the chair. A quick check showed her that each of the video was 30 minutes long, and she had to leave for school in 40 minutes or she would be late. She liked going to school, experiencing a mere semblance of normal life.
Sakura moved her mouse and double clicked on one of the icons on her desktop. She had to either skip school, or both play the games and watch the videos at the same time.
The decision was simple, and for once she was happy that the Matou's gaming station had so many screens.
…
Matou Zouken's face twisted into a smile as he heard the sounds from both the game and the videos playing at the same time. If he could make Sakura keep up that sort of training she might end up as a useful tool for him…
"Heh heh heh"
"Saber, behind you!" Shirou yelled at Saber, but even as the words left his mouth he understood that it was pointless. Saber elegantly sidestepped and the sword of the level 4 black knight passed harmlessly near her. The servant of the sword turned around to smash the black knight's helmet with her steel katana.
CRITICAL HIT
A popup near the knight announced that the attack was a critical hit, and together with Saber's mana burst it was enough to reduce the knight's HP to 0. The black knight was blown away and after crashing to the floor it started to dissolve, leaving only some gold and a healing potion behind it.
"Good job, Saber!" Shirou ran to her and started collecting the items from the black knights she has defeated.
Saber smiled at Shirou, "I think that I have a good grasp of how strong this level of mana burst is, should we engage the boss?"
Shirou nodded, "There isn't any reason to delay. We have already beaten eight black knights, all we need to do is to defeat the black knight captain and-" He stumbled back as Saber passed near him and swung her sword at something.
"Eh-?" He turned around to see Saber slashing at a skeleton with her steel katana. The skeleton retaliated, but his attack just got parried. Before it could swing its bone sword again Saber attacked it twice with her mana burst enhanced attacks and the skeleton fell back before dissolving like all defeated enemies. Unlike normal enemies, however, it didn't leave any kind of loot, nor did Saber gain experience points.
"What is a level two skeleton doing here? They shouldn't spawn in an area like… That…" Shirou trailed off as he looked around them. One by one more and more skeletons approached them. They came from alleys, the street and even from the roofs of small buildings.
"Shirou, is this normal?" Saber walked back and stood back to back with Shirou, leveling her katana at the skeletons.
Normally being so close to another girl would have embarrassed him, but her steel chainmail armor and the surrounding skeletons made the situation lose some of its appeal.
The redheaded magus shook his head and tried to concentrate at the current situation, "No, it isn't normal, let me check-" He activated his master's vision, an ability bestowed upon the masters by the holy grail that let them read the stats of other characters. He jokingly referred to it as 'left clicking', though that joke went over Saber's head.
Enemy description said:
"A… Summoned unit?" Shirou felt his heartbeat quickening. His first thought was that there was an enemy nearby who could summon units. But if that was the case, why weren't they attacking? Was their controller an NPC with a different programming to normal monsters?
Or…
"Shirou, we need to move, now!" Saber grabbed Shirou's arm and started to run towards the closet alley, which was the only direction not blocked by the skeletons.
"No! Saber, stop!" Shirou pulled back and Saber stopped trying to drag him with her. For a moment she wanted to berate him for delaying, but over the few days they have been together she started to trust her master in things related to the holy grail war.
"Saber, this is a trap. Whoever surrounded us left us a place to run away to, and wants to ambush us there," Shirou gritted his teeth, he understood how dire the situation were. "But normal non-player-characters don't have this kind of strategic thinking. Which means that whoever is controlling these skeletons must be a-"
"A player," An emotionless voice could be heard from the top of one of the one story shops. Saber and Shirou looked at there and what they saw were two figures. One was an adult man and the other was a hooded woman.
"Ha, I figured you would get that kind of servant," Shirou somehow managed to smile though his eyes betrayed his nervousness, "It should have been obvious that you would get a servant that can summon minions, Pylon Master."
"Congratulations on your analysis, Emiya-kun. But you still get a D," The man spoke, "You have a good grasp of the situation, but understanding is meaningless once you have already fallen into a trap."
Saber glanced at Shirou, "The hooded servant is undoubtedly Caster. Do you know her master?"
Shirou chuckled, "Yeah, this guy is my teacher, Kuzuki Souichirou. While I can safely say that I'm one of the best gamers of Fuyuki, this man has me completely beaten in strategy games. Tsk, we are really unlucky that he got the Caster class servant."
Kuzuki narrowed his eyes, "The blame is on you. You should have foreseen this option and prepared for it. Saber's skill build and your strategy so far has only considered the late game, you didn't protect yourself against an enemy who would move to get a kill at the start of the game."
The skeletons completely surrounded them. Even if Saber could beat several of them, she wouldn't be able to defeat sixteen skeletons who would come at her at the same time, not to mention Caster could also fight as well. Shirou racked his brain at trying to think of a way out, but he couldn't see any.
Losing Saber would mean the loss of one of his command seals, one of the 3 'lives' they had. Shirou already tried to think of the ramifications of something like that happening. On top of being closer to defeat, losing a command seal and Caster getting lots of XP out of it there was also the matter of him being the first one to have his servant die.
If there was one thing Shirou had pride in (besides his cooking) it was his skill in video games, and he really wasn't willing to be the first one to lose a command seal!
"Master, preparations are ready," Caster spoke calmly.
Shirou clenched his head into a fist in determination.
Kuzuki kept his gaze on Shirou as he gave Caster her orders, "Caster, order all of your skeleton to attack Saber at-"
"I wouldn't attack them if I were you-"
Kuzuki was interrupted by a voice that unmistakably belonged to a young girl.
Shirou turned toward one of the alleys to find the owner of the new voice. What he saw was giant with lead-colored skin walking beside a smiling young girl with bright red eyes. The girl narrowed her eyes and smiled like a predator who just found a new prey.
"Onii-chan is mine"
Middle of the 3rd day.
Current score:
| Username | Level | Points |
| TheBestPlayer | 6 | 470 |
| ProSaber420Nosc0pe¯\_(ツ)_/¯ | 5 | 420 |
| Illyasviel_Von_Einzbern | 4 | 351 |
| NuclearMissileSwordMeister(⌐■_■) | 4 | 343 |
| PylonMaster | 3 | 320 |
| Savior_Of_France | 3 | 310 |
| IrishThorn | 5 | 280 |
True name: ?
Class: Caster
HP: 290/290
MP: 380/380
Strength: 2
Agility: 6
Endurance: 3
Magic power: 12 (14)
Luck: 8
Equipment:
Staff of frost (player made)
Mage's robes
Ring of magic power
Class skills:
Item Creation: 1
Territory Creation: 0
Personal skills:
Divine words (magic): 1
Class: Caster
HP: 290/290
MP: 380/380
Strength: 2
Agility: 6
Endurance: 3
Magic power: 12 (14)
Luck: 8
Equipment:
Staff of frost (player made)
Mage's robes
Ring of magic power
Class skills:
Item Creation: 1
Territory Creation: 0
Personal skills:
Divine words (magic): 1
- Magic focus - familiar summoning: 1
Last edited:
cthulhu fartagn
Cthulhu in a suit. Bowties are cool.
- Location
- The East Coast of America.
non player, not none player. Caster, not Caste.
that said, Excellent! And no happiness worm for sakura? Also Excellent!
Thank you for pointing these out for me!
Nah, they are still there, they simply aren't the only part of her training (which is probably way better for Sakura than in canon).
Actually, I'm not sure if the worms are worse than playing board games with Zouken... *Shivers*
Yeah, poor Sakura...
Khawy
TITANNNNNNNNNNN
- Location
- The United States of America
Does he have a collection of ancient Egyptian artifacts too?
cthulhu fartagn
Cthulhu in a suit. Bowties are cool.
- Location
- The East Coast of America.
Why? Are there any good Egyptian board games?
I'm not sure about nationality, but 'mancala' is really freaking old. Then again, it might not be the typ of game he would teach her about.
Khawy
TITANNNNNNNNNNN
- Location
- The United States of America
I heard that children board games based on ancient Egyptian board games are pretty fun.Why? Are there any good Egyptian board games?
Khepri14
Thus kindly I scatter...
- Location
- Following the wind
Pretty sure Zouken was a guy before he turned himself into whatever-the-everliving-fuck he became in canon. Did he become a gender bender here?
No, Zouken is a guy.
(Damned typos)
It's his favorite game!
Oh I am slain!
Wynaut?
- Location
- Tatooine
And now we see the root of Shinji's psychoses. :3
Hmm, maybe you simply have a habit of putting commas where periods usually would go? Occasional usage of commas in place of periods is fine for artistic license. But consider using more periods, em-dashes ("--" or "—"), or semicolons in between two full sentences.
Be careful with tenses. I think I've seen a few examples of tense inconsistency (e.g. reigned versus hasn't).
*They
*hung
Capitalize "Let's Play"?
," instructed Zouken before slowly walking away.
Or:
," Zouken instructed before slowly walking away.
[The comma-quotation punctuation only works if followed by a speaking-verb then the speaker, or the speaker then a speaking-verb. Otherwise, you need a period.]
each of the videos were
Hmm, word choice could be improved. Maybe simply "She liked going to school, to experience a semblance of normal life."
Up to you, but I feel like both level and black knight look more appropriately game-like if capitalized. "Level 4" and "Black Knight". There would be multiple places to change Black Knight though. "knight" would stay as a regular uncapitalized noun, while "Black Knight" would be a proper noun.
its attack
Doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the scene?
More commas!
and wants to ambush us there." Shirou gritted his teeth--he understood
[Need a speaking-verb like "Shirou said" if you want the comma.]
"A player." An emotionless
Or:
"A player," an emotionless voice intoned from
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures. One was an adult man and the other was a hooded woman.
Or:
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures: one was an adult man and the other was a hooded woman.
Or:
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures: an adult man and a hooded woman.
"Ha, I figured you would get that kind of servant." Shirou somehow managed to smile though his eyes betrayed his nervousness. "It should
But you still get a D," the man spoke, "You have [Can't capitalize after a comma, unless if it's the start of the next bit of spoken dialogue.]
Or:
But you still get a D," the man spoke. "You have
Or:
But you still get a D," spoke the man. "You have
Or:
But you still get a D," spoke the man, "You have
Shirou racked his brain to think of a way out
or
Shirou racked his brain to try to think of a way out
Oh man, that must give him such a headache. I can't even visualize how painful this must be.
*skeletons
(Also, usually an em-dash is used, e.g. -- or —.)
was a giant
*found new prey
(Prey is weird--it's one of those uncountable nouns.)
Oh, and did you want punctuation on these, or was that a stylistic choice?
...Anyway, I'm not sure why I went through this for punctuation typos. I could have focused on word choice or story elements, which are more helpful in the long-run. I'm a weird mix of pedantry and laziness. ^_^
I am not a native English speaker, so these things really do help me.
Yeah... I need to reread the rules about when to use commas and when to use periods...
Why is there a tense inconsistency? (
O_O*They
*hung
Capitalize "Let's Play"?
," instructed Zouken before slowly walking away.
Or:
," Zouken instructed before slowly walking away.
[The comma-quotation punctuation only works if followed by a speaking-verb then the speaker, or the speaker then a speaking-verb. Otherwise, you need a period.]
each of the videos were
Hmm, word choice could be improved. Maybe simply "She liked going to school, to experience a semblance of normal life."
Up to you, but I feel like both level and black knight look more appropriately game-like if capitalized. "Level 4" and "Black Knight". There would be multiple places to change Black Knight though. "knight" would stay as a regular uncapitalized noun, while "Black Knight" would be a proper noun.
its attack
Doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the scene?
More commas!
and wants to ambush us there." Shirou gritted his teeth--he understood
[Need a speaking-verb like "Shirou said" if you want the comma.]
"A player." An emotionless
Or:
"A player," an emotionless voice intoned from
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures. One was an adult man and the other was a hooded woman.
Or:
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures: one was an adult man and the other was a hooded woman.
Or:
Saber and Shirou looked there and saw two figures: an adult man and a hooded woman.
"Ha, I figured you would get that kind of servant." Shirou somehow managed to smile though his eyes betrayed his nervousness. "It should
But you still get a D," the man spoke, "You have [Can't capitalize after a comma, unless if it's the start of the next bit of spoken dialogue.]
Or:
But you still get a D," the man spoke. "You have
Or:
But you still get a D," spoke the man. "You have
Or:
But you still get a D," spoke the man, "You have
Shirou racked his brain to think of a way out
or
Shirou racked his brain to try to think of a way out
Oh man, that must give him such a headache. I can't even visualize how painful this must be.
*skeletons
(Also, usually an em-dash is used, e.g. -- or —.)
was a giant
*found new prey
(Prey is weird--it's one of those uncountable nouns.)
On the one hand, thank you. This kind of thing really helps me become a better writer (If only for making what I write look better regardless of its contents).
On the other hand, I want to cry...
What?
But it's not that bad... Right?
I mean, people can still understand what's going on. So it isn't a huge problem, right?
Right...?
Oh I am slain!
Wynaut?
- Location
- Tatooine
Not a problem at all, hence why I labelled it "Not-so-helpful comments". ^_^
