Higitus Figitus

[Tale Swapper]

So who won the long distance record for said defenestrations?

Click to shrink...

God did, of course.

Depends on how much of a battleground/Eight ring circus (Seven rings of Hell+Heaven) you want the wedding to be.

Click to shrink...

Considering the characters involved, it's already going to cause chaos, panic, and disorder. Invite the Angels; it'd be an excellent way to have Charlie meet the whole family.

 

[jwolfe_beta]

God did, of course.

Click to shrink...

Though on that note I have to wonder if Emily is a 'younger' generation of seraphim that only knows Helel as 'Lucifer'.

it'd be an excellent way to have Charlie meet the whole family.

Click to shrink...

Jophiel: (while hugging Charlie and swinging her around) Oh she's adorable! Helel, why didn't you tell us you had such a cute daughter?
Charlie: -Muffled, confused and partially-smothered noises-
Gabrielle: Indeed. I'm sure our brother had very good reasons to not notify us of such an important and historic event? (Adjusts glasses which gleam menacingly)
-Vaggie is about to intervene when Micheal looks at her and she freezes. He considers for a moment, nods, pats her on the shoulder and moves on. She visibly deflates with relief-

Azrael: Come on guys, it's the first time little bro reached out to us in so long, and its his son's wedding. Can't we just all get along for one day?
-Everyone gives a look of 'you're kidding right?' to varying intensities-

Raphael: Well before anything else, these three are drastically overdue for a checkup. -Snaps his fingers and Merlin, Charlie and Vaggie all get dragged through the air as he aims for a side room-

 

[Blinktwice13]

Having written halfway through Chapter 9, I have to say some of these guesses about the siblings are… amusing.

And there's still exterminations and Doom to consider first. Wedding would be like, the end of the fic.

 

[Garreon]

"Popular"

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Oh, ZZ, I miss you, and everyone else, so much.
This was a neat chapter

 

[JmonsterNEO]

I wonder if Vel will ever bring up the custom Robo-Fizz the Vees had in the series?

 

[Blinktwice13]

I wonder if Vel will ever bring up the custom Robo-Fizz the Vees had in the series?

Click to shrink...

Probably not. Partly survival instincts, partly I just got nowhere to put it.

 

[Blinktwice13]

A/N: It's not entirely a one-to-one of Dad Beat Dad, notably for the omission of one song. But the crucial one is still there. I have chapters 9 and 10 written and titled 11. No real content warnings this time, aside from discussing Vaggie's arrival in Hell I guess.
___________________________________________________________________________

"dedededetrustfallsdidntworktalkingaboutfeelingsfarmtripcarrythetwo-"

I leaned back directly into Cain, who didn't budge. "...did we do that?" I whispered.

"I think she's been down here a while," he muttered, sotto voice.

Charlie scrambled in front of a frankly terrifying pin board, one of Velvette's many assistants handing her strings and needles. Said Overlord watched placidly, an espresso in hand.

She sipped.

"She gonna be okay?" Angel leaned against the couch, eyebrow raised. He'd gotten back some of his stride, but still seemed subdued.

"Who knows." Husk squinted, sipping a coffee with a slight frown. He looked at me, glanced at my hand, and raised an eyebrow when his eyes met mine. "Huh. Congrats."

Niffty raised my hand over her head, dandelion-ring in view. "YES! YES! MARRIAGE!"

"Engaged," I stressed, tugging my hand away.

Angel raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Nice." He looked where Charlie kept scrambling. "Think she's been that way all night, though."

"We're a month out from the new Extermination date. No wonder she's stressed." I placed my fist under my chin.

"Charlie? Babe?" Vaggie cautiously approached from the direction of the stairs.

"Oh! Hi!"

Alastor glanced at me from the shadows, raising an eyebrow. He'd been oddly helpful lately. My guess was that him staying out of this was his method of assistance.

...it was probably for the best.

"So I'm just trying to map out what's helping and what's not, because we are one month out and nothing is WORKING-"

"Mmhm. We might need to get rough." Velvette sipped her drink again.

Vaggie gave Velvette a sidelong glare. "Anyways. Babe, I think we might need to-"

Charlie stood up. "No."

"Babe-"

"Noooo."

"Charlie we-"

"NoNoNoNoNoNuuuuuu-"

"Might need to ask your dad for help."

"Vaggieeeeee," Charlie whined, slumping with her hands on Vaggie's shoulders.

"He said if Charlie failed, it wouldn't be on her," Cain said slowly. "Maybe he knows something we don't?"

"Possssibly?" Pentious scratched his chin.

"Or we can go at the problem sideways," I muttered.

"We need to speak to Heaven!" Charlie said triumphantly, drawing our attention.

"It went real well last time," Husk grumbled.

"That one was Carmilla killing the exorcist, not Charlie. Hush."

Velvette jabbed a finger at me, suddenly animated. "I FUCKING KNEW IT!" she snapped, grinning wildly.

"Husk has a point babe, Adam isn't going to listen." Vaggie glanced at Cain thoughtfully.

I narrowed my eyes and stepped in front of him. No. Nuh uh.

Vaggie scowled, glanced at Charlie, and then nodded in understanding.

"And Adam is an asshole. Sorry Cain!"

"I mean, the dad I remember wouldn't be a genocidal fuckmuppet, so clearly something fuckin' changed."

"Clearly," Alastor drawled, exiting the shadows.

"Right, so we need to go above Adam, to the top!"

"Like… the Council?" Cain shifted uncomfortably, and I looked up. He bit his lip, and something very close to fear entered his eyes. "I dunno, Charlie. They're not the cuddliest bunch."

"I vote we reach out to our erstwhile aunts and uncles," I offered, waving a hand. "Apparently they were a softer touch with Dad, so family might matter enough we can get them on our side. And given one of them is Dad's only peer in Heaven-"

"Huh?" Charlie blinked. "What do you mean?"

"...Lucifer, the star of morning, was the most beautiful, wisest, oldest, and most powerful of the angels. Only his brother Michael compared." I paused. "Though then he was called Helel."

"Uh, no. Dad was the youngest, the dreamer, the one who shook up the status quo-" Charlie moved her hands rapidly, eye twitching.

I shrugged. "Well, that's what the humans say. My guess is the truth is somewhere in the middle. Clearly he didn't want you to fear or revere him, so whatever version he gave you put him as the underdog – but I tell you, creation is far more intensive and difficult than destruction. As the best in Heaven, he had a lot of power."

"Okay, wait. You want to bring in the Archangels?" Vaggie looked at me in horror.

"Love and healing, the sciences, charity – we're treading new ground in the name of the common good. This is kind of their thing." I raised an eyebrow.

"Makes sense to me."

"...look, I've only met one of them." Vaggie looked around the room.

"Oh, we're talkin' about that now?" Angel gave her a smirk.

Vaggie relaxed. "Yeah. I've only met Gabrielle: the Archangel of History, Messenger of Heaven. She took a strip off of Adam's hide with words alone, and when Lute tried to step to her she got punted into the lowest part of Heaven with one shot." She looked away. "Then she looked at me and said 'the exorcist corps doesn't suit you. Try my brother's little club.'"

Charlie put her hands on Vaggie's shoulders.

"Well, the exorcists are- how did Cain put it? 'Genocidal fuckmuppets'?" Husk looked at him. "So she wasn't too far off."

"And Michael is in charge of Heaven's armed forces alongside being the Archangel of Charity. You would have been a good fit." I tilted my head in acknowledgment.

"So she was blunt but kind, and already doesn't like Adam and-"

"The psycho bitch who cut your eye out," I finished.

"The. What." Charlie's fingers twitched.

"And took her wings!" I smiled politely.

"Merlin, I appreciate what you're trying to do here- but please don't wind Charlie up and aim her at Lute. We're trying to avoid a diplomatic issue." Vaggie gave me a flat look.

"Well it's not as though we don't have a seraphim in good standing who could raise an issue!" Alastor chimed in. "So chum, what's the best spin here? I'm dying to know the details."

"So Vaggie got got because she refused to kill a kid."

Angel's slight smile turned to a scowl. "What."

Even Niffty covered her mouth, eye wide.

"Mmhm. Now, this is a fuck up on several levels. First, the moral one. Depending on how widespread knowledge of Extermination is, this would immediately set the common person in Heaven to fits. Second, practicality amongst the Exorcists. Sinners can't procreate, and a child Sinner is unlikely to occur. Therefore, there is a greater than nine in ten chance the kid was Hellborn- which would break the treaty Dad made and free his hands to deliver an ass-kicking. And whether he's only the strongest in Hell or tied for strongest in Heaven, he could definitely flambe their little brute squad with a lazy jazz hand." I paused. "And then there's the other thing, which is more theory than not."

"The roots." Charlie gave me a dark look.

I snapped my fingers and pointed at her. "Bingo. If I'm right about what they are, even Heaven won't be safe. But I don't know, and asking Dad…" I trailed off.

"And your theory? If Rosie's concerned, then-"

"An incarnated evil that destroyed Eden, and caused the death of countless angels and the first animals. Something that destroyed paradise." Charlie ran a hand through her hair. "So it's not just our lives at stake."

"Well shit." Angel stood up. "Guess you got a phone call to make, toots." He looked at Charlie, arms crossed.

Velvette, quiet through the explanation, waved her hand in the air. "Wait. She's a former Exorcist."

"Yeah." Vaggie crossed her arms.

"And they kicked you out for having, what, a moral? A singular inkling that perhaps death-murder-kill was not the holiest approach?"

"Yes. Heaven isn't… kind to those who don't toe the line." Vaggie looked away.

"Depends on the faction, same as here. Rosie, Carmilla, and Zestial make a bulwark of more reasonable Overlords. Of the Sins, Beelzebub and Asmodeus are somewhat kinder than Leviathan and Mammon. Everyone has an interest and an angle." Everyone looked at me, and I tilted my head. "I only have third hand information from Earth. My eyes can see that far when I focus."

"So you're not just aiming for backup here. You want to see if you can politic the Exorcists into a corner." Velvette gave me a slow, dangerous smile.

"That's… not the worst idea." Charlie looked at me, a brighter smile of her own beginning to dawn.

Vaggie frowned thoughtfully. "I mean, we might have a shot if we throw your brother at them. Unlike you, he's a full-on angel. And his whole 'tyrants must burn' angle might get him some credit."

"So we get Dad to get us a meeting with Adam's boss. While Vaggie and I run interference there, Merlin can sneak out to meet one of our aunts or uncles and make contact!" Charlie perked up, energy seemingly restored. "Between your shapeshifting, illusions, and clairvoyance you can totally do it!"

"Well my dear, it seems like we have a scheme!"

Husk smirked. "So…?"

Charlie pulled out her phone. "Okay. I called for the thing with Ozzie and Fizz yesterday, I can do this…"

"Daddy Issues?" Husk muttered to me.

I nodded.

Charlie dialed, and I looked up at a touch to my hip.

Cain gave me a hopeful look. "Hey. If we do this, you think-?"

"I'll pitch it to Charlie once we get the ride. If nothing else I'll find out how he's doing." He didn't even need to finish the question.

Cain leaned down and kissed my forehead, beard brushing my hairline.

"No Charlie, nonononononooooo nono nonononono, ah, aheh, no."

"Daaaaad! This is really important! This is like, the most important thing I've ever done!" Charlie looked at me hopefully.

I walked over and looked at the phone. "Dad?"

"Merlin? Bud, listen-"

"We need this. I only have theories, but if we don't move to stop the Exterminations, it could get bad. Worse than you and I could stop, even with the Sins."

Dad paused for a moment. "...what theories?"

"How about this. Come over, see what we're doing. And while you're here we'll explain." Charlie put a hand on my elbow.

"Best not to give Killjoy any ammo in case one of her cronies managed to tap the line," I added.

"You… you're inviting me OVER? Oh yeah, I'll be there in an hour! See you kids soon!" And he hung up.

I looked at Charlie. "Oh he's running on two hours sleep and a full cup of depresso."

Her face fell. "Oh no."
_________________________________________________________________________________

The entryway was spotless, the bar was as clean as it was going to get, the snacks were ready, Angel let Merlin burn yet another of his stashes of his own free will, and things were. Were okay. Mostly okay.

Charlie breathed in, and out. It was fine. It was going to be fine. She was just offering up her life's work so far to her father, who was the King of Hell and an architect among architects from Heaven. The second most influential person in her life. Third, maybe, because Merlin seemed intent on upending both of her parents' positions in that regard.

"Alright, I've gotten the roots threaded more aesthetically through the floorboards and the chaos is a little better managed," the angel in question reported. He waved a hand with a dandelion wrapped around his finger, and carpets covered up the floor. "I can't say if he'll like the décor as is, but that's on him if he has shit taste."

Charlie flashed a nervous grin. "I like the whole 'fairy forest' thing. It's kind of soothing?"

Merlin smirked. "Like I said."

"Alright, it's almost showtime." Vaggie put her hands on Charlie's shoulders, only for her eye to hit the flower on Merlin's hand. "Ambrose. That's a ring."

Charlie went still. She turned her head to look at Merlin. Her eyes darted at the dandelion wrapped around his finger. Then back to him.

A faint gold flush colored his cheeks.

"When."

"Last night. You were, ah, preoccupied this morning so I thought it best not to distract you."

Charlie took a deep breath. "Does anyone else know?"

"The other residents. I haven't been subtle, just haven't announced it either." Merlin glanced at the door. "Cain asked."

"Clearly you said yes," Vaggie drawled, and Charlie heard the smile in her voice from over her shoulder. "Good. You two work somehow, against all reason."

The knock at the door was prompt, exactly one hour after her dad said he'd be there. Charlie took a deep breath, barely noticing Alastor hovering in the shadows. "Showtime, everybody!" she called, turning to open the door.

No sooner had she opened it than she had an armful of excited father. And a compressed ribcage. "CHARLIE! It's SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!"

"Hi… Dad…" she rasped.

He stepped back and immediately knelt, hand reaching out to her cat. "Awww, hewwo Keekee! Lookit you!" He stood up and went for her familiars next. "Razzle! Dazzle! At-ta-ta-ta-ta look at you both! Still fun-sized! Are you taking good care of my little girl? You better be."

Charlie slumped as her dad snickered near the goatlings. She glanced at Merlin, who fixed Alastor with a steely brown(?) glare, before he gave her a questioning look.

Well. She wasn't going to corral the Morningstar on her own. She nodded.

"Dad!" Merlin picked their father up by his shoulders, a feat that would have resulted in any number of demons losing their arms. He gave the King of Hell a firm hug. "Thanks for coming on such short notice. Before we get to business, would you let Charlie and I introduce you to the residents of the Hotel? Now, with the environment we've come to foster, they're not only our patrons and associates but friends and- well, family. I hope you'll keep that in mind?" Merlin set Lucifer down with a warm smile.

Lucifer gave a slow blink, one of his eyelids delayed after the other. "Whuh, uh, sure thing kiddo. Hey, your peepers look kinda different."

"Blame Cain." Merlin rotated her father on the spot. "So Boss Lady, who first?"

And with that, the control was neatly handed back to Charlie and she could hug her older brother later. "So this is Alastor! He's our manager, and managed to help us initially expand our staff." Charlie gestured to the looming cannibal.

"Pleasure to meet you sir, quite a pleasure! Great to finally put a face to the name. Why, you are MUCH shorter in real life!" Alastor's grin took on an edge, eyes glowing red.

Her dad's expression flattened, and Charlie felt a chill of foreboding run down her spine. She did not want to defuse a dick-measuring contest between her longest-running helper and her father.

"Alastor's been an invaluable asset to both Charlie and I in our pursuits, me primarily in my heyday of pruning Pentagram's worst and her in getting this hotel off the ground. In fact, his commercial ended up drawing my attention here in the first place!"

Alastor stood a little straighter.

"He's got a decent pedigree for an Overlord, and despite his tastes manages to line his agenda with ours." Merlin gave Alastor an arch look. "He just sometimes speaks his mind a bit without caring about the ramifications on other people. Yes, he's not as tall as Charlie or I, but this guy is still responsible for designing the majority of the natural world we left behind and can be dated in geologic time. Maybe give him a chance to swallow his foot more before breaking out the cutlery?"

Alastor's mouth shut, and he gave a blithe shrug, expression uncaring. "Hmm." His gesture of concession was as good as an apology as they were going to get.

"Wai, wuh-"

"Aaaand this is Velvette!" Charlie continued, stealing the momentum back once Merlin placated Alastor. "She runs our social media platforms and her personal assistants have really helped me get organized!" She gestured to her office, where a number of Velvette's girls filed her plans into cabinets.

Velvette herself sipped a latte from a takeout cup. "We met." She grinned. "Get any bites, your nibs?"

Her father's expression did something complicated and stressed out before flattening. "No."

Velvette shrugged. "I tried. Ball's in your court, wizard boy."

Rather than decipher the look of anxiety mixed with what might be a very faint hope(?), Charlie moved on. "And you know Cain and Vaggie! Vaggie's been with me since before anyone else, Hotel or no Hotel. And Cain's our newest individual applicant!" Cain gave a jovial wave while Vaggie's was more subdued and awkward.

"Individual?" her dad asked, finally taking initiative. "Like, are there batch applicants?"

Velvette waved a hand. "I have my girls and boys help around the place. Once we settle in, they'll participate. They go to Heaven, they're off my leash." She smirked. "Of course, 'til then they still work for me, and by proxy – your daughter."

"Uhhh-"

"And here's some more of our group! Our second applicant, Sir Pentious and his Eggs-"

"YOUR MAJESTY!" Angel Dust pulled a tray out from under Pentious as he gave a salute and bowed, face hitting the table. A trio of Egg Gurlz immediately began to beat him with feather dusters, leaving him prone.

"Our first applicant, Angel Dust! He's a good friend and an amazing cook-"

"Hey there, Short King." Angel seductively bit into one of Pentious' cookies. "Ooh. Jammie. Nice work, Pen."

"Thanksss." came the muffled response.

"Husk is the bartender and answers directly to me- um, I renegotiated his contract so-"

"Bartender, bodyguard, footman. Whatever her highness needs." Husk sent a spray of cards from one paw to the other, clad in red and gold. He raised a feathered brow. "I moonlight as a counselor when Ambrose is too busy makin' someone's life difficult."

Angel tugged his bowtie, blushing.

Niffty decided to introduce herself by scaling her father and sticking her eye in his face. "I'm Niffty! Hmhmhm I clean."

Lucifer gingerly pulled Niffty off of his coat and set her on the floor. "Nice. Well, uh, you've got a very… uh… ah-huh…" He looked around, a pained smile on his face.

"I did the decoration. I prefer a more sylvan vibe." Merlin fixed their father with a flat stare.

"The bar's mine, though. Very n'awlins. A bit of home, you see!"

Merlin looked at the bar and back to Alastor. "Huh. Didn't know you were Creole."

"On my mother's side, dear boy. And as any radio host worth his salt, I had to perfect a transatlantic affect so I could enunciate at speed! Every word counts in radio!" Alastor preened, fixing his bowtie.

"Mm. Though the Vodoun symbolism that colors your powers should have been a hint. Is it actually-?"

"HEAVENS no! Do I look like a holy man? No, it's just how my powers reflect off my soul."

"Cute," Lucifer drawled. He looked around again and sighed. "Look, Charlie-"

Charlie immediately raced to think of something to keep him off balance so she could ensure her momentum didn't falter. She was better, dammit! She handled Valentino, and Asmodeus, and Mammon and she could damn well handle her father!

"GUESS WHO!?" The front door slammed open.

Everyone looked.

A short, round woman in what could only be the garb of a mid-early 1900s flapper sashayed in. "Alastor!" She made a beeline towards the Overlord without a hint of fear in her beady eyes.

"Mmmmimzy!" Alastor crowed joyfully, striding towards her with open arms. Alright. So friends, then?

Deciding to gauge the situation, Charlie looked at Husk. His lip curled in visible disdain. She made a quick motion and he stalked over.

"This bitch is trouble," he whispered in her ear as she leaned down. "She only shows up when she fucks with some demon and needs Alastor to keep them off her back."

Charlie turned that over in her head. "Let Alastor handle her. I'll take Vaggie, Cain, and Merlin and give Dad the tour. Your job is to get the other residents ready for whatever hits the Hotel without tipping off too much."

Husk blinked at Charlie, almost surprised. He smiled. "Got it, boss."

"I can do a scrap, but I think I'll let 'Card Count' take the reins on this." Velvette made herself known.

Charlie looked up to see Alastor hugging Mimzy. Definitely friends. She turned her attention to Merlin and their father.

Merlin stood with a hand on one hip, eyebrows furrowed. "Run that by me again?"

"Look, I'm just saying- I guess they're alright for sinners, but-"

"But now we need to say 'see you later' while the four of us give you the rest of the tour!" Charlie cut in. "Vaggie, Cain?"

Cain perked up. "Oh! Wanna see my greenhouse?"

Vaggie gave Charlie a sympathetic smile before it turned rueful – right as Cain dragged her father by the collar through the massive double doors to his indoor garden.

The King of Hell gawked at all of them as the doors shut.

The rest of the inhabitants milled about while Husk neatly directed them, and-

"...this might be a tougher nut to crack than I thought." Merlin's eyes narrowed dangerously. Something her dad said while she wasn't watching had hit a nerve.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Charlie offered.

Merlin exhaled. "We're short on time as it is. Let's just keep this going. I'll try to keep him on task and you show him the sights. We can talk about the roots if he digs his heels in regarding reaching out." He looked at Charlie. "But… thanks." He gave a wan smile.

Charlie put an arm around his shoulders. "Any time. Let's go make sure your fiance doesn't melt Dad's brain with plant facts or something."

Vaggie gave an innocent whistle as she led the way, making Charlie stifle a giggle in her free hand.
_________________________________________________________________________________

A bit of gold dripped from my finger into my palm, and I discreetly released another bundle of white feathers with golden eyes off of the balcony. If Husk thought trouble was coming, I wanted to see it.

"So Dad, what d'you think?"

"Huh?"

"Of the hotel?"

Dad perked up a little. "Oh yes, it's very nice what you've done with it! Though this railing, whoo, one good trip and whoopsie, bye-bye!" He leaned halfway over and waved his arms with a jovial laugh.

Right then. "Stop overcompensating and talk straight. What seems to be the issue?"

Charlie's head snapped towards me.

"Ov- what? I don't know what you-" Dad tugged his collar.

I narrowed my eyes, but stilled when Cain put a hand on my shoulder.

"Dad? Are you okay?" Charlie rubbed her hands together. "Was this a bad idea?"

Dad inhaled. "Charlie. I love that you want to see the good in people, but these- these sinners. They're kind of the worst. I don't know how much you can really expect from them."

Vaggie looked away, and I bristled. Cain's grip tightened.

"Dad- they're. They're our people." And that's what made Charlie fit to rule. She gave a damn.

"Charlie, our people are AWFUL! We gave them free will and look what they did with it!" Dad flung his hand outwards, towards Pentagram.

I opened my mouth, only for Cain to cover it. My blood boiled.

"And Heaven, well, they're not as open-minded as you might think! They have rules, lots of them-"

"I know! I know they hurt Vaggie for not toeing the line, and left her here. But there are people like her up there!"

Dad blinked, surprised. "Oh, she- she told you? Good. But look, one exception doesn't mean that, well-"

I forced Cain's hand down. "So you think it can't be done. Or rather, you would prefer to resent these people, monsters and victims, rather than confront your part in all of this."

Dad gawked at me. "Bwuh?"

I stalked forward. "Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. It's been staring me in the face this entire time."

"What has? Merlin?" Charlie laid a hand on my shoulder. I gently squeezed it, and let go.

"Wheat fields."

His face scrunched up. "Kiddo, I don't get what you're talking about."

Charlie's gasp showed she did. "Like Cain?" she whispered.

I snatched the hat off his head and the cane out of his hand with a singled fluid motion.

"Wha-hey!" He flailed his arms. "Kiddo, what-"

"Is it worth it? To beat yourself over your head with your one worst moment, never giving yourself a single measure of grace?" I shook them in his face. "Apples! Snakes!"

"That… the apple gave free will-" Charlie said slowly.

"No, Charlie."

Lucifer's eyes shot open.

"The apple gave 'knowledge of good and evil'. Every animal, everything has free will from the start. Morals, ethics, philosophy – that's what the apple had. And also apparently a giant root-monster, but that's secondary. From the moment humans ate of the fruit of knowledge, they forsook the fruit of life. They traded, wittingly or otherwise, immortality for cognizance." I cleared my throat. "And that came with a lot of problems. As humans were now mortal, they were exiled from Eden. Adam and Eve had to toil- farming, hunting, gathering, that was all stuff they had to invent. Life was so, so hard after Eden. It's changed some – gotten easier in some ways and worse in others. Modern conveniences and government also brought oligarchy and consumerist capitalism." I swallowed. "But whatever Dad's intentions were – and I do believe he meant well – the humans above resent him for denying them their paradise."

"But even if they had free will, how could they be free without understanding all that stuff?" Charlie asked.

"Charlie…" Vaggie made an aborted gesture.

"Dad and Mom really didn't talk about 'before'. There were bits once in a while, but we were so busy surviving that we didn't have that luxury." Cain looked away, frowning. "I wondered about Eden once in a while, but. Yeah."

I looked at Dad.

He kept staring, wide-eyed. Frozen.

"Dad, I can't sugar-coat this. The world broke back then, and it's never been fixed. Nobody down here has tried to fix it. If anyone in Heaven has, I've only seen minimal success. Or maybe that's just humans using your gift to do the work for them." I looked at the hat, the cane. "It was too much, too soon. Humans were always more intelligent and adaptable than other animals. I think they could have been taught. But that ship has long sailed."

"You… lived up there." Dad finally spoke.

Charlie's hand tightened on my shoulder. "Dad?"

"Do you hate me? For what I did?" He looked at me, eyes soft.

"Do I hate you for something that happened when dinosaurs were still a thing? No. Yes I lived among humans, yes they hurt me, and yes I ultimately gave up and threw what humanity I had away. Maybe too early, because I just hadn't met the ones I could find home with." I looked at Cain. "Both in Camelot and here."

He smiled.

"But those were their choices, and mine. You made me, but everything else? That's just the world as it is. Picking at that old wound won't do anything good."

Charlie stepped forward, face pensive. Slowly, she nodded. "Merlin's right, Dad. The story you and Mom told me, it's- it's obviously way more complicated than I could have understood as a kid. And maybe, someday you'll be able to tell me all of your side. But for now, it's okay. Blaming you won't fix anything. And if it can't be fixed, then it still won't make things better." She huffed a little. "And it was a really, really long time ago."

Dad's lip wobbled.

"Sir… we're all better than our worst moments." Vaggie looked up. "I was an Exorcist, but I'm giving all I've got to make this Hotel work. For Charlie, for your people. For my friends and family." She straightened her shoulders.

"If people make the decision to change and put in the work, they totally can. I mean, remember how pissed I was when we met?" Cain walked forward. "I did some work on my own, but like… Am saved me. He gave me someone to hold on to, when I hadn't had that in forever. And now, here, at this Hotel? Ange and Pen and Husk and Niff and Al and Vel and Char and Vaggie? I don't remember being this happy since Abel was alive." He put his arms around the three of us, Charlie and Vaggie and I.

Our father opened his mouth-

And the hotel rocked.

I peered through my little spies, and my lip curled in irritation. "Oh. Loan sharks."

"Mimzy?" Cain asked flatly.

"Mimzy," Charlie agreed in the same register.

Dad straightened up.

I looked at his hat and cane. "...if you want to reclaim this as a part of your power, fine. But… don't torture yourself with it."

He took them back, briefly leaning into me. "I'll… try to keep it in mind." He gave a half smile. He glanced down as the Loan Sharks rammed the door again. "But seriously. This is what I think of when I think sinners."

Charlie dragged a hand down her face. "Just get us inside," she grit out.
_________________________________________________________________________________

They leapt through a portal as Lucifer strode through, closing it behind him.

"¡Que carajo! What's going on here!?" Vaggie snapped.

Alastor glanced at the bar.

"Wellll I might have pissed off some loan sharks and I miiiight have taken out a loan for fifty grand." Mimzy sweat, bridging her fingers.

THUD.

"And I also might have stolen the loan shark's car! And run over his girlfriend. But the bitch had it coming!"

Cain looked at Merlin, and winced. Mimzy fucked those guys over, and if he had his way he'd ash them all and be done with it. Including Mimzy. That would piss of Al, and…

Alastor made a sound like harsh static. "One would think they would hesitate to attack a place under my protection."

"Especially after what you did to Vox. Not to mention I haven't been shy about being here either." Velvette lifted her phone, eyes glowing crimson.

There was a crash. An explosion. Fire.

Cain turned his head, heart sinking as flames licked the carpet, rubble fell, and Am's plants scorched and died.

Pentious quickly grabbed Niffty before a rock bigger than her crushed her. "Eggies! To arms! We need water and dirt on thesssse flames!" he screeched.

"Fuckin'- Charlie, what do we do?" Angel barked out.

Cain looked at Charlie, who stared first at Mimzy, then the door.

"Charlie, sweetie, this is what sinners do. They're violent psychopaths bent on carnage and suffering-"

"Because your wife is such a great role model!"

Lucifer's jaw snapped shut, and Charlie reeled as though slapped.

"And the holy rollers upstairs are no help either! Annual genocides! A Queen who tells them to go by survival of the fittest, to dominate or be dominated for survival! To rebel against any and all sense of order, even to their detriment! A silent King!" Ambrose stood tall, lion's tail thrashing behind him. His antlers sprouted, ram-horns curled, six wings flared. His suit bled from red to pale green, and all six of his eyes opened. "Of COURSE they act like this! What other realistic outcome was there!?" And tears began to trickle.

Above his head twined a vine. A fourth was the green of new growth. The next, the red and yellow of summer. The third, withered brown and orange. The last, pure white. Bleeding into each other, with four round nodes- a halo encircling his horns.

"Maybe instead of sitting in judgment like the fuckers who pitched you here, you can fight for your daughter's dreams!" Ambrose roared, shoulders up. "Because she's the only one trying to fix a damn thing!"

Charlie stared in shock, hand to her mouth.

Ambrose raised his cane, and it shattered. It fell away, revealing a wood-hewn pommel bracing a length of crystal forming into a sabre. With a sweep, the flames in the Hotel died.

And Lucifer… flinched.

Charlie looked to Cain, mouth working. Her jaw firmed. "Cain, Vaggie! Get those sharks off our lawn!" She whirled around. "Alastor! Do NOT let Mimzy get hurt OR get away! Velvette, make this look as good as you can! We need to send a message! Merlin, Pentious, keep any fires out and damage to a minimum! Angel, get in the kitchen with Niffty away from the fighting! Husk, you're with them – both of you keep her and the Eggs safe!" She paused. "And Dad…"

Lucifer blinked at Charlie, as though she were someone completely new.

"Just… watch." Charlie nodded to Cain.

"ALRIGHT big guy, let's go!" Vaggie jogged next to him to keep up with his stride as they made for the door. "Here's the plan. You make the terrain as hostile as you can for them, and I-" She looked at her spear. "Shit."

Cain didn't break stride as he drew a staff of wood from the ground, a gray stone protruding from the tip. "This won't end them for good."

Vaggie gave a savage grin. "Roger that." She stowed her spear and took the makeshift for herself. "What about you?"

Cain drew back his fist. "What about me?" he growled, eyes glowing a verdant green.

And with a single backhand, he blew the door off its hinges.

"MIMZY! GET OUT HERE YOU-"

The earth bucked.

"Didn't know you did dirt!" Vaggie called, sweeping the stumbling sharks to the ground and kicking them downhill one by one.

"Comes with the territory," Cain growled, flexing his palms.

They'd almost smashed Niff. They scared Pen. They brought fire to his home, where his people were.

And even if it was Lucifer being dumb, even if they were just an example he used of how bad, how awful people were… they made Am cry.

With a roar, Cain flung his arms skyward.

Root and branch and trunk grew, lashing around the outcrop the Hotel perched upon. Twining bark and growth braced it, growing up and around their home. The force of it brought a gale, broke earth, and sent the sharks and imps scattering into the skyline.

Save one.

The last one, the biggest one, hefted a molotov burning bright, aimed it at him. Cain braced himself against the incoming pain.

"THE HELL YOU DON'T!" Vaggie roared, ramming her spear into the shark's guts.

He choked, spitting blood, eyes wide-

"RAAAAAAAGH!" With a roar, she spun, leapt, and flung him into the far distance with a strength belied by her thin limbs.

Dust and debris tumbled around him, and Cain looked.

His Greenhouse was fine. The tree was growing in, patching the damage the sharks did. Familiar gray eyes blinked at him with warmth. Something like pride.

He noticed the lack of Vaggie coming down, so he turned his head.

Vaggie stared at him, wings that hadn't been there beating against the air. "Um. Shit."

"Did you, uh, not have those?"

Vaggie blinked and looked at her shoulder. "Oh, SHIT." She dove and landed in front of him. "I don't- Lute tore them off?"

"So they coulda grown back, but didn't. What changed?"

Vaggie swallowed. "I just, I had to protect this place. Charlie, and, well. You guys." She looked up at him.

Cain breathed deep. "Yeah. Me too." He smiled and pat the new bark. "Looks like my tree came here from the farm."

"That's not the only thing," Vaggie muttered, staring at him in shock. She shook herself. "Right. Let's head on in."

He reached out an arm around Vaggie to pull her into his side, and when she leaned he noticed the vine draping leaves that encompassed her too. "Bwuh?"

She pointed up with grim amusement in her eye.

Cain reached over his head, and touched another vine. He dragged his hand, noticing the circular curvature. "Hhhhuh. Huh. Oh."

"Yeah." Vaggie grinned victoriously.

"Oh SHIT."

"YEAH." She raised a hand.

Honestly, the only thing to do was hi-five.
_________________________________________________________________________________

The fighting stopped outside, and Charlie let out a sigh of relief. "Dad…" She looked at him.

Her father looked at her and Merlin, slumped over.

Merlin looked away. "I overstepped. I shouldn't have compared you to the Council, no matter how angry I was. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry."

"It hurt." Their father waited for a moment. "But maybe it cut deep for a reason. You can take an angel out of Heaven, but…" He gave a despairing chuckle.

"Dad, there has to be someone up there who can-"

"No Charlie! Heaven doesn't listen! They never listen!"

"You don't know that! I'm not asking for an Exorcist, I'm asking for our family!"

"I DO KNOW THAT! They couldn't save me then, and they can't save you now!" Lucifer shivered. "You… didn't know that when… I tried this all before… my dreams were too hard to defend."

A scene bloomed. A broken, burning circus. LuLu Land, a hollowed husk. A spark cast on the ground.

"And in the end, I can't lose it all again- now you're the only things worth fighting fooooor…"

Spears wreathed her and Merlin, and before her brother could raise his blade her father tugged them away, putting himself between them and danger- letting the sword clatter to the ground.

"More than anything- more than anythiiiing, I'll shelter and adore you more than anythiiiiing." Their father held them close, eyes plaintive, trying to communicate his love for them.

"Someone protecting me? That's… novel." Merlin averted his eyes. He looked at the ground, but Lucifer didn't let him go.

"Dad, we don't need you to protect us from this." Charlie held Merlin's hand firmly, and her brother looked up.

"I just, I don't want you to be crushed by them. Like- like I was."

"Dad…" Charlie stepped forward. "When I was young, I didn't really know you at all. I always felt so small, but I heard your stories and I was enthralled." She thought back on a time when she was a child, where she peeked in his workshop late at night.

"The tales of your lofty dreams, I listened breathlessly- imagining it could be meeee! So in the end, it's the view I had of you- that showed me dreams can be worth fighting foooor."

She looked around. Alastor's smile had a bit of warmth, even as Mimzy bounced inside a cocoon of tentacles. Vaggie and Cain peeked in the doorway, grinning happily. Niffty stared in wonder from Angel's arms as he tilted his head with a fond smirk, Husk mirroring his expression.

"More than anything, more than anythiiiing- I need to save my people more than anythiiiing!"

Velvette propped her chin on her hand, eyes slightly wide. She gave a rueful smile.

Merlin stepped back, gently nudging her forward with a kiss on the top of her head.

"I've been dyin' to find out who you are," her father sang, stepping forward.

"I've been waiting, wanting the same thing." She met him in the middle.

"Looks like the apple doesn't fall far." "Took you a while!" "I missed that smile!"

They took each others' hands and began to spin.

"All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, is that we can start again- not be torn apart again!"

Her father opened a portal, and they flew.

"'Cause in the eeeend you're a part of who I am!" "And I'll support your dreams, whatever lies in stooooore!" "Who could ask for more?"

She reached out and touched the primordial gold of creation beneath her father's big top, lights warm.

"More than anything!" "More than anything!" He tossed her skyward, and she danced through the air only to be warmly caught. "More than anything!" "More than anything!"

"I'm grateful you're my father/daughter more than anything!"

They landed.

"More than anything…"

Pentious sniffled, his eggs dabbing their shells with hankies. "That wasss ssweet," he whispered.

Her father sighed. "Sweetheart, if I manage to get you this meeting, I- I won't be able to go with you. Will you be okay?"

"Oh, she'll be great!" Vaggie strode forward with a level of excitement Charlie'd never seen in her. "You know why!?"

Lucifer leaned back. "Uh, no! Why?"

Vaggie's wide grin crinkled her eye. "Because we've got a PROOF OF CONCEPT!" She swept her hand back.

They all looked.

Cain waved awkwardly, a pair of massive wings - shaped like his fathers but with brown vines and green leaves - sprouting from his back. A vine halo gently gleamed over his head. "So uh, apparently protecting people you love is redeeming or some shit?"

Charlie's jaw dropped.

"Sweet merciful choir," her father whispered harshly.

Merlin stumbled over, face slack. Visibly numb.

"...Am?" Cain fidgeted, nervousness more pronounced.

"...are we gonna have to preen these or prune them, I wonder?" he finally asked absently, running his fingers down Cain's wing.

Cain slumped with a fond smile. "Practicality? Now?"

"Hush, farm boy, I'm processing."

"FUCKING YES!" Angel crowed, jumping up and down. Niffty, still in his grasp, cheered with him- "WAHAHAHA!"

Alastor remained silent, frozen. His eyes were wide in shock.

Husk stared in awe first at Cain, then at Charlie. "Well, damn." He gave a sharp grin. "Looks like trial and error paid off."

And something clicked. "If redemption is personal, it means something different to each person. It's not one size fits all, so while they might not do it alone, it can't be done for them. Meaning the Hotel has to act as an aid rather than a direct catalyst-" Charlie put her hands on her face. "Ohmygod. Ohmygod Vaggie- Wait, wings!?"

Vaggie ducked her head, blushing. "Uh, yeah." She tucked them behind her. "We kind of had a moment outside."

Charlie scooped her in her arms with a whoop. "Dad, Dad!"

He just stared at them, then blinked rapidly. "Yeah. Yeah, I will, will definitely- so Cain and your brother are going, right?" He looked at Charlie.

"Um, yeah!" Cain grinned wildly. "Now I can finally go apologize!"

No further context was needed. "Good show, my friend!" Pentious slithered over and excitedly pumped the arm that wasn't cradling Merlin to him.

Velvette hummed happily. "And now with a proof of concept, we might actually get some foot travel."

"You seem awfully happy for someone who's going to be losing contracts in the coming days," Husk drawled.

"Revolving door, luv. There will always be new sinners down on their luck for me to snatch up." Velvette smirked. "Not to mention, if I run too low? I hear your boss is rather easy to live with. I might pitch a deal myself."

Husk snorted. "She'll try to make you 'better'."

"Try being an operative word. Free to do so, the dear." Velvette chuckled.

With a whoop, Angel and Niffty jumped on Cain, Angel hugging him and the maid climbing him like a literal tree.

Alastor finally unfroze. "A miracle in Hell. I'd never have dreamed it if not seen it." His smile widened beatifically. "Oh, the sheer CHAOS this will cause upstairs! I can't WAIT to tell Rosie!"

Merlin shot him a look.

"Come now, it's not as though I told her about your engagement! I'm not remotely that boorish!"

"His. WHAT."

Uh oh. Dad time.
_________________________________________________________________________________

One Mimzy and several texts later-

Rosie: DARLIN I AM CATERING. YES I HAVE ACCESS TO WRATH MEATS. NO ARGUMENT.

Carmilla: Congratulations. Best of luck with your sibling and father fighting over who gets to officiate and who walks you down the aisle.

Zestial: Forsooth, thou wern't already bound in the ties of matrimony? Hmm. Congratulations all the same, old friend.

"Ssso. You're gonna go up there, where Adam is, with his newly redeemed firstborn. As his fiance." Dad stared at me while Mimzy marched away in a huff, summarily dismissed by Alastor.

He couldn't afford to jeopardize his standing with us, not without having his contract broken. Not to mention we'd already handed him a win over his greatest rival to boot.

"Yes." I folded my hands in front of me.

"...green your new color?" Dad asked after a moment.

I hesitated. "Red's pretty much 'the' color down here. I've suppressed this for a while."

"Eh. Greed ring has green, but not like you." He looked at me with my tail, horns, and wings out. "It looks good on you." He smiled.

"Dad-"

"Hey. I've been mad and said shit I shouldn't too. You already apologized." He squeezed my hand in his. "I forgive you." He exhaled and looked at Charlie while the others set the hotel in order. "Serathiel- Sera- is the head Seraphim. You'll end up meeting with her. She's been… vehement that all matters of Hell are to go through her."

I shrugged. "Okay."

"Sure." Charlie nodded.

Dad raised an eyebrow.

"Dad, Merlin's a shapeshifting illusionist soothsayer. Once we're in, he can bug out and find our aunts and uncles on his own." Charlie smirked.

Dad's eyes widened. "OH nonono, we cannot do that, that is- that's bad, no-"

"Dad-" Charlie reached forward.

"No, it's not your aunts and uncles, Sera is- she okayed the Exterminations, she might have you guys killed to shut him up!" Dad spread his hands. "If you play by their rules, and they have a lot, you MIGHT get a fair hearing. Maybe."

"Might isn't good enough." I frowned. "Not with the side-effects of the Exterminations." I looked around. The red eyes that had peppered the building were gone, replaced with the gray that Cain's tree had back at the farm. It had truly come here.

"What side-effects?" Dad asked, blinking.

"So you know those red eyes everywhere?"

"No?" Dad squinted. "What're you talking about?"

...they weren't in the palace.

"The red eyes attached to roots through all of Pride. Except here, because Cain's friendly tree seems to block them out."

Dad's lips parted slightly. The lack of exaggeration was more chilling than anything.

Charlie pulled her phone out and inhaled sharply. "Okay, it's worse."

I looked to her.

"So I asked Belle a couple months back if she saw them in Sloth. It always takes time for her to respond. She said yes." She put her phone away. "So they're basically all through Hell at this point."

"No- no. That's, but how?" Dad shivered.

"The manner in which sinners are killed releases their essence into Hell. The roots feed, grow, and spread. The more dead sinners – permanently by angelic weaponry – the more food. Eight thousand years, and the last one took sixteen percent of a population of billions." I folded my arms. "We need to stop the Exterminations now."

The gray eyes looked down at us with sadness.

"But how… it…" Dad stumbled to a wall, only for an eye to meet his gaze. The gentle gray was covered partly by a lid, and an air of nostalgia filled it. "Oh. You."

I looked at Charlie, and she shrugged.

Dad's shoulders shook. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than this. You all did." I didn't think he was talking to us. He took a sharp breath. "Right. This… changes some." He stood straight and whipped his head at us.

Charlie and I straightened up.

"I'll go to Sera first through the usual channels. She'll expect you. I… before I fell, one of my siblings snuck something to me. It survived the fall, despite not much else." He waved a dark hand at us. "I mean, I had to regrow the skin on my arms, all of my wings, my feet- and now I got hoovsies." He raised a leg. "Tail just kinda happened though."

"...well, no one can say your trauma isn't justified," I murmured.

Charlie just nodded sadly.

"I- my siblings didn't know. They thought I was just going to get escorted here. I think. I hope." Dad swallowed. "But I have a way to contact them. I just. Haven't."

"Because not knowing wasn't as scary as them rejecting you too."

Dad looked down, then looked at me. "Yeah. Right on the head, kiddo." He looked at the eyes again, and they crinkled lovingly. "Look, this tree- she's a person. A good person, who I can with all honesty say does not deserve to be here. Take care of her, and she'll take care of you. She's trapped in a contract, an old one, and this is the end result."

"...she totally protected Cain from the backlash of making the meat plants."

Dad barked a laugh. "Of course she would. He's-"

The eyes widened.

"He's very dear to her. Kindred spirits," he amended.

They relaxed.

...oh.

Charlie gave me a questioning look.

I frowned at the 'tree'. "He'd be happier knowing."

Sorrow.

"Fine. I'll respect your wishes, but if he figures it out and asks? I'm fully throwing you under the bus."

The eyes rolled in wry amusement.

"I guess all that's left is…" Dad looked at us. Smiled. Took us in his arms one more time.

"Good luck, kids. Love you."

And he stepped back into a crimson-gold swirl of ether, vanishing.

Charlie and I stood there in quiet.

"Sssso. Time to go face all of Heaven with our newly angelic partners?" Charlie asked with bravado, lightly punching the air.

I smirked, elbowing her lightly. "And each other, of course."

Charlie grinned back. "That goes without saying, brother mine."
_________________________________________________________________________________

Lucifer set the ornate phone back in its cradle, shaking with nerves. He'd done it. He'd gotten the meeting.

Okay. Easy part done. Fine.

He gently pulled out the small golden shard from his desk, where it had stayed for thousands of years.

"In the sun, I see your light," he intoned.

The gold, thin as paper, unfolded into a sheet the size of his face. It shone gently, like the distant sun on a cool spring day. The gold rippled in silence.

For an instant, Lucifer thought about putting it away. He tried, right? He-

The ripples cleared, and color took over the gold.

Beyond the tiny portal was a spartan office. A bookshelf with thick tomes to one corner, a large desk stacked neatly with papers and an in/outbox. The outbox was full. A pen and inkwell. A calendar with an image from before pictures existed, of seven seraphim lounging in the garden.

Behind the desk sat a larger-than-life presence he hadn't felt in eons. Broad in shoulder, clad in white with a rainbow of military badges- at first glance.

Some were military but others symbolized smaller achievements. Orphanages. Women's shelters. Soup kitchens. Animal shelters. Drives to fight illness, physical and social. Even a small cluster of Pride pins near the heart.

Lucifer looked higher, saw the golden epaulets and cords. The stiff white collar.

The parted lips in shock, the red dots on the cheeks same as his. The short-shorn hair as white-gold as his own.

The blindfold with a conecentric sun, triangle rays splayed around it.

"Hel? Luci?" his brother whispered, deep tenor sinking like sunlight into his bones.

Lucifer swallowed. "Hey, Mike. Been a minute, huh?" he croaked with a timid smile.

His brother paused. Lifted the corner of his blindfold.

A single golden eye pierced through every defense Lucifer had, but he stood strong. It only swept the surface, but that was enough.

The blindfold dropped.

Lucifer slumped. "Yeah, uh. I wasn't sure how to. Words."

"You've had a long day. Very social." Michael's understanding warmed him as it always did, so very long ago when he was so very small. His brother gave a small smile. "You did well, in the end. Your best."

Lucifer shivered, biting back a wretched sob. He was dimly aware of Michael standing on the other side of the parchment.

"I understand some of what is happening, but not all. I'll need you to explain- later. For now…" Michael trailed off, and the light bloomed.

Lucifer stood at his desk, eyes wide.

Michael stood before him, in Hell. With him.

"Lucifer Morningstar, you are being detained for questioning regarding the nature of this 'Hazbin Hotel'. You will be under guard of one or more of the Archangels Six for the duration of your stay, where you will be remanded to Manor Archangel. This may be anywhere from one week to one month. Questioning may expand to wellbeing of yourself and your family – including an unregistered son and daughter – alongside what other requirements apply to the running and improvement of Hell. Compliance will be rewarded with limited travel permissions, with clearance determined by your guard and guide. Do you understand this directive?"

Michael. You rules-lawyering, mother-henning son of a bitch.

"I heard that." Michael's stern mien cracked with a small smirk.

"I- yeah. Yeah, visting you guys sounds- yeah. And with the kids."

"I don't know what you mean. You are being detained for questioning, nothing more."

"Sure, sure." Lucifer held his hands out together, wrists up. "Take me in, copper."

"I'm military. However, compliance recorded." And Michael took his hands, pulling him into the light.

The air was clean in the office of the Barracks of Charity. Pure in a way even the palace he lived in couldn't replicate.

Lucifer leaned against his big brother, reveling in the simple contact. It was almost like when he was a kid again.

"...Little Lightbringer." His brother's voice went low. Dangerous.

"Huh?"

"What has happened to your hands?" Michael's large hands cupped Lucifer's mangled claws, his own eagle wings fluttering like a building solar storm.

Oh. Shit.

 

[October Daye]

And off to Heaven we go, with Cain the Redeemed to shove into Sera's holier-than-thou face!~

 

[AsterBlade]

We about to throw H A N D S! We have proof of concept AND backed by the Archangel!

 

[jwolfe_beta]

And off to Heaven we go, with Cain the Redeemed to shove into Sera's holier-than-thou face!~

Click to shrink...

Though out of all the named individuals in Heaven I suspect Lute might be the most upset about proof of the Redeemed. That girl is kinda.........yeah.

Charlie scrambled in front of a frankly terrifying pin board

Click to shrink...

Nah, the thing is still only two dimensional in form. It's when Charlie manages to take it into four dimensions that we need to worry.

"I mean, the dad I remember wouldn't be a genocidal fuckmuppet, so clearly something fuckin' changed."

Click to shrink...

Mid-life crisis?

"Yeah. I've only met Gabrielle: the Archangel of History, Messenger of Heaven. She took a strip off of Adam's hide with words alone, and when Lute tried to step to her she got punted into the lowest part of Heaven with one shot."

Click to shrink...

Note to self; do not **** with Heaven's postwoman.

"Merlin, I appreciate what you're trying to do here- but please don't wind Charlie up and aim her at Lute. We're trying to avoid a diplomatic issue."

Click to shrink...

-Looks over at the dead Exorcist-
I think you mean another diplomatic issue there Vaggie.

Honestly, the only thing to do was hi-five.

Click to shrink...

First two successes, may there be many more.

Best of luck with your sibling and father fighting over who gets to officiate and who walks you down the aisle.

Click to shrink...

They should sell tickets to the show/brawl.

The gentle gray was covered partly by a lid, and an air of nostalgia filled it. "Oh. You."
---
"Look, this tree- she's a person. A good person, who I can with all honesty say does not deserve to be here. Take care of her, and she'll take care of you. She's trapped in a contract, an old one, and this is the end result."
----
I frowned at the 'tree'. "He'd be happier knowing."

Sorrow.

"Fine. I'll respect your wishes, but if he figures it out and asks? I'm fully throwing you under the bus."

Click to shrink...

OK, it's not Eve based on a comment back in chapter four. But at the same time it's someone from back in Lucifer's 'time' and is somehow related to Cain. A quick wiki look indicates that they had a sister so it might be her? No real idea.

a large desk stacked neatly with papers and an in/outbox. The outbox was full.

Click to shrink...

I see even in Heaven one can't escape buracuracy.

"What has happened to your hands?" Michael's large hands cupped Lucifer's mangled claws, his own eagle wings fluttering like a building solar storm.

Oh. Shit.

Click to shrink...

-Looks at Luci's previous comments-

I mean, I had to regrow the skin on my arms, all of my wings, my feet- and now I got hoovsies
---
I- my siblings didn't know. They thought I was just going to get escorted here. I think. I hope.

Click to shrink...

I suspect Micheal will be having some....words with Serathiel.

Though I have to wonder about the Exorcists here. Because Micheal apparently is in command of Heaven's armed forces while the 'exorcist corps' are apparently a separate organization. And if like in canon the fact that the exorcists go down every year to slaughter Sinners is kept secret, what's their official job, hunting down ghosts and ghoulies in the human world?

 

[Blinktwice13]

A/N: Have I written a new chapter? No. Will I, with SMTVengeance releasing today? Also no. So here, the first entry in the Heaven Arc. Today's songs are a riff on 'In The Dark of the Night' from Anastasia and, of course, 'Higitus Figitus' from Sword in the Stone.
______________________________________________________________

I tapped my cane on a suitcase. "Alright, packing time!"

"It's gonna be a day," Cain pointed out.

"Uhhh." Vaggie looked at Charlie, who was bouncing in her seat.

We'd gotten all of our stuff together in one study, and I promised Charlie a magic show. I fully intended to deliver… even if it meant breaking some copyrights.

Eh. It was my song, after all! Somehow despite everything Walt Disney hadn't shown up down here anyway.

"Higitus figitus, zumbakazing!" Everything – books, makeup, even a tea set – jolted upright. "I want your attention, eve-ry-thing!" And it lifted into the air.

Charlie squealed joyfully.

"We're packing to leave, come on let's go-" I grabbed a fascinating toy that Angel must have snuck in. "No, no, not you, books are always first, you know!"

"Madre de Dios."

"Hockety pockety wockety wack, abra cabra dabra nack, shrink in size very small- we've got to save enough room for all!" Books, clothes, and necessities started bouncing into four suitcases, shrinking as they went.

"Oh he's been wanting to do this forever," Cain whispered to Charlie, the princess quivering in excitement.

"Higitus figitus migitus mum, Prestidigitonium!" Stuff kept jumping in, and I kept directing with my cane. "Alakafez, balakafez, malakamez meripedes, hockety pockety wockety- HOLD IT."

Angel's 'treat' had started to wallop some perfume bottles, and that wouldn't do.

"Now, stop, stop stop stop! See here, buttplug, you're getting rough! That set of cologne's seen enough!" I paused, the toy in hand. "Er. Where was I?"

"Hockety pockety." Vaggie stared at me, death in her eye.

"Oh yes, yes that's right. Ahem. Hockety pockety wockety wack, odds and ends and bric a brac-"

"Merlinnnn?" Pentious called from outside.

"I'll be with you in just a minute son, packing time is almost done!"

"Everything's levitating, you absolute cockgargler!" Velvette roared.

"Hey! Easy there, no go ahead." I directed more stuff into the cases. "Dum goo-dily do-dily do-dily dum- this is the best part now!"

Charlie hugged Vaggie, causing her glare to break as they started to levitate too. Cain remained seated, too heavy for the spell to grab. He smirked smugly.

"Higitus figitus migitus mum, prestidigitonium! Higitus figitus mum, prestidigitoni- OH FUCK."

I flipped onto my back as the stool I stood on shot into my suitcase, and the remainder of the packing shot into the containers. I was fairly certain Angel's plug went somewhere it'd fall out at an appropriately comic time.

"Ow."

The door slammed open. "SERVES YOU RIGHT, WIZARD ARSE." Velvette fumed, Pentious dangling from a light fixture in the hall behind her.

"Let's take it from the top!" Alastor jeered, appearing in the study. Charlie cheered at the suggestion.

"NO," Vaggie and Velvette roared in unison.

I gave a meek thumbs-up in response.
_________________________________________________________________________________

"Husk, you're in charge. Alastor, Velvette, I'm counting on you guys for any intake and any 'definite messages' that need to be sent if people decide to start problems."

"They won't," Velvette retorted with a vicious grin. "Farmboy and your arm candy cleaning house against an established gang on their lonesome was enough to tip the scales."

Angel kept an eye on Vaggie as she bristled, wings tucked into her usual outfit.

"And of course, WE are still here." Alastor grinned widely. "We're all quite capable of handling ourselves, Charlie."

"Cherri, thanks for coming by to-"

Cherri waved a hand at Charlie. "It's good, Princess. A chance to pester Angie for a mo' and light up any fuckwads to visit?" She hefted a fistful of large bills. "Not to mention all expenses. Keep this up and I might vote you in the monarchy."

"Erm. Monarchs aren't normally elected-"

"Watchit Poindexter, or I'll tie your tongue in a knot."

"With yoursss?"

Cherri blinked, and looked at Pentious.

Pen blinked, surprised at his own audacity.

"...we'll get back on that." Cherri smirked.

Angel flashed her two fingers, and her eyebrow shot up thoughtfully.

Pentious pulled his hat over his eyes.

And with that, a ring of light opened in midair. "And that's our ride!" Merlin rubbed his hands, dressed in a new forest-green suit and sporting his four-part halo.

"See you when we get back!" Cain called.

"Don't take shit from any angel that ain't me!" Angel barked, getting a smirk from Vaggie.

Charlie just laughed and scooped Merlin and Vaggie each under an arm, leaping through – followed by Cain with their luggage.

The portal snapped shut.

Niffty scuttled behind them. "Awww. I missed 'em!"

"They'll be back later, Niff." Husk nodded at her.

The room's air quickly turned awkward.

"Well. Now what?"

"Hmm. A radio show, perhaps?"

"With who? You already cleaned up the competition here." Velvette took on a thoughtful look. "Maybe one from outside Pentagram."

"We could also not make trouble for Charlie while she's upstairs," Angel said, planting two hands on his hip and raising the others for emphasis.

"Well ain't this place nice!"

They all turned as one, facing the upper balcony.

She was tall. Like, Cain-tall. Wearing a violently pink business suit with shoulder pads and a pencil-skirt, with legs that made Angel jealous. The fuck-me pumps were the same shade of pink, accentuating her pale skin. She was broad and strong, chest pushing at the fabric of her blazer and stretching the pink tie over her white button-down. Small spiral earrings dangled from her ears, almost hidden by the massive black winged lashes that extended to either side of her head. Friendly blue eyes examined them all, with a head topped by a tightly braided beehive studded with what was either very clean rose quartz or pink diamonds.

What really tipped Angel off were the prominent red dots on her cheeks – marks the same as Charlie's family.

"Oh shit," he whispered. He was raised Catholic. This was an Archangel.

"Aw, don't you worry your pretty little heads, hunnybuns." She waved a large hand studded with hot pink nails, moving it across her face and drawing attention to the blue mascara and red-hot lipstick. All told, it should have been gregarious to an extreme – and it was.

But there was something that pulled deep in Angel's chest. The image she portrayed, the confidence in each step as she walked down the stairs, the iridescent wings that trailed her every strut – this was a goddess in the flesh. She was loud, proud, and knew her worth. She was everything he pretended to be- everything he wanted to be. She was comfortable in her skin in a way he'd never seen before.

"You seem to have us at a disadvantage," Alastor offered, grin tight. Even Angel could see he was on edge.

"I guess! Well- hm. Oh!" The angel strode over to Velvette. "Oh hun, I love your ensemble. Heart patterns and the red/black? Very here, very chic. And you've got to tell me who does your hair- mine takes for-absolute-ever to get done!" She flung a hand upward, emphasizing the beehive.

"Try having kinky hair and doing extensions. It doesn't get better." Velvette flicked one of her poofy pigtails. "But my esteemed associate has a point: who're you when you're at home?"

The angel smiled, hands fluttering. "Sweetpea, I am the Artist! Paint, music, sculpture, architecture, weaving and clothwork, the human body- the world is my canvas, and I aim to fill it with joy. I am the Archangel Jophiel, maker of Beauty." She gave a small curtsy. "It's so nice to meet you all!"

"So you're not gonna kill us?" Niffty asked. She sounded almost disappointed.

"Sugar, no! Whatever gave you that idea!?" Jophiel leaned back, visibly appalled. "Babygirl, who hurt you?"

"I have a list." Niffty's eye went sharp and her grin manic.

Jophiel looked around, lips pursed. "Well. We can discuss that a little later. So what happened was, our baby boo Helly- sorry, Lucifer- rang up Big Mike yesterday and it looks like things weren't running as smoothly as advertised."

Angel stared. Along with everyone else.

"And while we know about this Hotel and a little about our new-ish niece and nephew, we don't know a whole lot about Hell! Hard at work, hardly working, hmm?" Jophiel smiled. "So we were hoping y'all wouldn't mind coming to stay with us for a little while and answer some questions, maybe look around upstairs! Give you something to really work for with this redemption gig." She gestured around the room. "Oooh, it's so cozy! I love it, very faerie woodland. Relaxing vibes, adorable."

"So… this isn't an attempt to keep Charlie quiet so Exterminations can keep happenin'?" Angel asked slowly.

"The what now."

Angel cowered at the full force of Jophiel's attention.

Her expression immediately softened. "Oh sweetie, no. It's okay." She offered a hand, kneeling down with a gentle look. "I'm sorry, you just got me off guard. That's a very ugly word, and I just don't know what it means in context."

"Oh, is that all!" Velvette grinned widely. "So once a year your lot comes down to do a genocide to keep the population under control. Exorcists, right? Led by Adam."

Jophiel's head slowly turned to regard Velvette. Angel swore he saw her face distend into a beak. This close, he saw the rosy halos circling her hair.

"It's why this hotel started! So people would stop dying." Velvette smirked. "To holy steel."

"Ahhh, it's true! But that look on your face, Lady Jophiel… You didn't know?" Alastor's eyes gleamed with malevolence.

"It's true, milady," Pentious added reluctantly, looking around.

"Yeah. Fact of life. Once a year, the embassy clock hits zero, and you hide your best for twenty-four hours while a bunch of psychos rip your neighbors apart with their bare hands and silver weapons." Cherri shrugged.

Niffty nodded like a bobblehead doll.

Jophiel looked back at Angel, eyes wide, hurt.

"It's… yeah. That Adam guy said that the Exterminations were entertainment too, so like. Just for them? How many people know?" Angel swallowed nervously.

Jophiel moved to take her hand back, but on impulse Angel took it in his. She was visibly upset.
"Honey, this is the first I've heard of it. How long has this been going on?"

"Mmm, eight thousand years or so. Now, our Ambrose does more controlled purging in forms of warlords and those who could organize Hell into something even more exceedingly unpleasant than we have now – but Extermination day is FAR less… targeted, shall we say?"

Jophiel stood. She didn't let go of Angel's hand, but her grip was gentle.

Husk, having remained silent, took the floor. "So. What now?" He straightened his suit.

Jophiel looked at them all. "Darlins, I really need you to come with me. This is somethin' all six of us got to talk on."

"ROAD TRIP!" Niffty leapt into the air, landing on Pentious' back.

"Do we get time to pack?" Velvette asked in a dubious tone.

Jophiel waved a hand. "Oh poo! I'll just set you kids up with wardrobes on my dime."

The fashionista's grin split her face, and her head turned a full 360. "Now you're speaking my language!"

Cherri blinked, in shock. Shrugged. "Aight. Why not. Sure," she said numbly.

Husk sighed. "I'm sure Charlie will be thrilled."

"Well my good woman, unfortunately-"

"No exceptions."

Alastor looked at Jophiel.

She stared back, tapping her foot.

"As you say." Alastor's ears flattened.

A portal opened into what looked to be the foyer of a bright place, of whites and pale pastels.

"Guess we're headin' on in." Angel steeled himself.

And walked into Heaven at the side of Beauty.
_________________________________________________________________________________

We walked out onto clouds. I immediately felt them as though they were a part of me, every molecule of moisture, every charged particle ready to unleash lightning.

"Oh. My. Gosh. Vaggie, look at this place! It's so bright, and clean, and-!" Charlie bounced ahead.

"Right. Yep. Sooo coool." Vaggie looked utterly unimpressed. She glanced at me. "You good, Merlin?"

"Yes. I think." I blinked, reaching out and feeling a cool breeze merrily twine through my fingers.

"C'mon, babe." Cain gave me a soft smile, guiding me forward with a hand on my back.

We got closer to the gates, standing higher than any of us, when I noticed a very pink man at a podium. "Oh, hello! Welcome to Heaven."

"Hi!" Charlie perked up. "We're here for a meeting."

"So do you guys have names?" the angel asked, eyebrows up, expression friendly. His halo glowed peacefully over his blond hair, and his wings were immaculate.

"Oh, I'm Charlie Morningstar, here for a meeting, like I said."

The angel quickly dragged a finger down a list. "Mar, mer, mor- hm, I don't see you here." He gave an awkward chuckle.

I stepped forward. "How about Merlin Ambrosius?"

He dropped the book. Stared at me. Looked over my head at my halo and horns. Looked at my wings. "Oh SNAP." He shot up.

I blinked. "Uh."

"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh- no, Peter, calm down. No, wait, this-!" He fanned himself rapidly. "You're Merlin? The Merlin? Where've you been for the past two millennium!?" He got very close to my face.

I gently pushed him back. "Peter, Pete, buddy. It's called personal space for a reason."

The keeper of the gate stared at me in awe.

"Oh yeah. You being a seraphim and really fucking famous might be a thing." Vaggie gave me a smirk.

Cain put an arm around my shoulder possessively.

"So I've been doing cleanup in Hell. The Queen gave me an invite I couldn't ignore- the whole tree thing-"

Peter gasped. "So Lady Morgana was right! She said the nymph would never have done that! Oh, of course it was that awful Queen- wait, why would she want that?"

"Lucifer's my dad?" I shrugged. "She wanted to adopt. She also can't communicate for shit and I ended up just fucking around and turning war criminals into ash." I paused. "Wait wha-"

Peter's jaw dropped. "Whaaaaaaa?"

"Yep! Hitler, and uh, um. Who again?" Charlie looked at me.

"It's a list. My last big hunt was finally uprooting Mengele and stopping a new round of illegal experimentation down there." I looked at Charlie, stowing the mention of my old friend the witch-queen for later. "It was bad enough the other sinners didn't hesitate to sell him out. Even ones who didn't like me."

"Whoa. He must've been really, uh…" Charlie trailed off.

"Josef Mengele was known as 'the Angel of Death'. If I gave you a list of what he did, you wouldn't sleep for a week."

"Try months." St. Peter shuddered.

"Eh, she's the Princess of Hell. Week."

Peter looked at her. At me. "Ohhh you're siblings. Oh. Wait, you're on the list but I don't know if…" He tapped his fingers together. "Crud."

"We'll take it from here, Peter."

We looked up.

A pair of seraphim, clad in pale hues of blue, gray, and white, descended. The light was to their backs, so I didn't make out any details until they flickered and landed.

The taller dwarfed Cain, nearly half as high as the gate. Her hair fell in twirling rings, and blue eyes pierced all of us. Her halo was far more ornate than the other's.

The smaller one was shorter than Charlie, around Vaggie's size. She stood behind the larger, eyes bright with joy.

"Child of the Morningstar. I am Sera, the head seraphim. Welcome to Heaven. You are gifted to be here." The taller one bowed her head slightly, but her height still had her look down on us.

The smaller one bounced on her heels. "Ooooh! Hi, I'm Emily! Or Em, or Ly, or whatever you'd like to call me. I'm the other seraphim."

I 'opened' my eyes and looked around. Took a moment to glance at Emily. "You're underselling yourself. Joybringer, counselor, bringer of happiness and soother of hurts." I smiled. "Small wonder you're interested in our Hotel."

Sera stiffened. "Who are you."

Cain gave me a panicked look.

I gestured at my halo and spread my wings. "Good day, madame!"

"Oh boy." Vaggie put a hand on her forehead.

"I'm known far and wide! I am shapeshifter, illusionist, archmage, soothsayer, kingmaker, slayer of tyrants and ender of monsters! I am advisor to Hell's Princess, and her bastard older brother by way of the king! Merlin Ambrosius is my name, and I bid you greetings." I bared my teeth pleasantly.

Sera's stern look dropped to an expression of horror. Then she looked at Cain. Recognition and a new wave of shock became apparent.

"What."

"And this, of course, is my partner of five hundred years! Newly redeemed and our Hotel's proof of concept: Cain Kadmon!" I placed an arm around his back, lifting a wing over me.

Sera's wings and shoulders slumped, and her jaw dropped.

"Also? We're engaged." I gave her a sunny grin. I paused, noticing silence from over by Charlie. I looked over.

Emily's hand hovered over her mouth, eyes wide. "...Emrys?"

I. What. What.

I blinked at her. "Where… did you hear that name?"

Emily covered her mouth. "Eep!"

Vaggie cleared her throat. Loudly. "Can we go in now?" she asked.

Charlie smiled. "Can we?"

"Yes." Sera's voice was hollow, eyes fixed on Cain and myself. "Merlin… two thousand years. Where have you been?"

I pointed down.

She ran a hand over her face, closing her eyes. They snapped open, and she took a deep breath. "Of course. Of course you were." She turned away, and with a wave she opened the gate. "We'll be taking them in, Peter."

"Er-"

"We'll forgo the usual welcome, this time."

Peter bobbed his head at us. "Well, welcome to Heaven! Please enjoy your stay." He smiled nervously.

Charlie strode past us, grinning brightly as Emily kept talking to her, glancing back at me every now and again.

"...you are way more famous than I thought," Vaggie mused. She gave me a hard look. "Keep your guard up and eyes open."

I exhaled. "Yeah."

Cain gently ushered both of us onward.
_________________________________________________________________________________

"Soooo, how do you know my brother?" Charlie asked once they were a distance ahead of the other three.

Emily brightened. "Well, my husband's an old friend of his!"

Whoa. "Oh, a knight?"

"Technically?" Emily shrugged, showing a ring on one of her fingers. It was a cute silver dragon's head.

"Oooo shiny! Very nice."

Emily giggled. "Thanks! I'm so glad to have someone new to show around. And you seem so nice!"

Sera looked down at them. "Sadly, the amount of time you can remain here is limited."

"Which sucks, because if it wasn't for her heritage, Charlie would fit in rather well here. Comparatively speaking, she embodies all seven cardinal virtues." Merlin breezed on by. "Not like your head of the Exorcists."

Sera stiffened, and Charlie wanted to strangle Merlin. "Oh?" the head angel asked mildly.

"Oh yes! When Charlie pitched the suggestion for the Hotel to him, his response was to cut her off and sing a two-three minute rock anthem about the joys of committing genocide on lesser humans. Hardly holy behavior."

"Um, what?" Emily's eyes went wide.

Sera's jaw dropped. She stared at Merlin. Blinked.

"Quite uncouth. Of course, given all my attempts in the past ended up butchered by him and his squadron of mad maenads, it wasn't until Charlie created the Hotel that true progress to redemption could be made." Merlin made a sad frown, eyes sparkling with malice.

"Sera, what's he talking about?" Emily asked, paling.

"Uh. Exterminations?" Cain ignored Vaggie's frantic waving and motioning across her throat. "Like, eight thousand years, culling sinners with holy weaponry, twenty four hours a year? My dad and all his back-up babes painting Pride red?"

Emily turned from him to Sera, eyes pleading. "Sera, is this true?"

"The situation is a bit more complex-" Sera began.

"Then explain it. We're all ears."

The voice sent nails scraping down Charlie's spine. A woman's alto, cold and taut. She looked for the source.

She was dressed like an old-time reporter, a dark blouse matched with a white skirt. She was a little taller than Charlie, with short nails painted navy and a pair of sensible black heels. Her ears were hidden behind a curtain of white-gold curls. Her makeup was dark, with navy lips and azure mascara. Her cheeks bore two red circles on her pale skin, and blue eyes raked over them all with startling intensity. The silvery halo over her head was studded with small wings alternating the top and bottom. From her back sprouted six wings with black feathers.

Sera stared, looking for all the world like the end of everything had come. "Gabrielle."

The angel rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. So. Extermination. Who okayed that? Because that's military action. Michael's domain. And even the Council couldn't make him pull that in their heyday, let alone now."

"That's your concern?" Charlie burst out. "People are dying by the thousands, and-"

"Yes. Because I can't do anything for the dead, but I can do something for the living by milking the fuck out of bureaucracy. Now shut your mouth and look pretty." Gabrielle looked to Sera. "Well?"

"...the Council approved the deployment of Exorcists with my permission." Sera looked down at Gabrielle.

"Cute use of exact words. Whose idea was it? Let me guess, Adam wanted to do it to get back at his awful ex."

Gabrielle's eyes shot to Merlin. "Plausible. You're Merlin, then."

Her brother grinned, canines lengthening. "Guilty as hell, Auntie."

"Ohhh, you're here to stir the shit. See what bobs up, and leave it as you like when you go back down to keep getting Hell how it's supposed to work." Gabrielle's dour expression cracked with a sour smirk. "You're not running from a problem."

That… carried a lot of weight. Charlie wasn't sure she wanted to dig into it.

"Gabrielle-" Sera began, hands raised.

"Can it, Seraph." Gabrielle's expression returned to its icy demeanor. "Jophiel's gone to get Princess Sunshine's misfit squad for Michael to interrogate. If they return half as much information as these kids have-" She looked at them, eyes resting on Cain for a moment. "Well. That'll be damning enough for us to discuss restructuring."

"Interrogate?" Charlie stepped forward. "If he hurts them," she began, horns beginning to poke out.

Gabrielle scoffed. "Of course you'd think that. Your daddy might be Pride incarnate, but he's all about shame. He'd never tell you about us. Wouldn't want to tarnish your view of him with the people he left behind." Her brow furrowed. "I'll take it from here. They're staying for a week minimum."

"Um-!"

She looked at Emily. "Breathe, shortstack. I've got an idea of what you want, and you get free visitation." She glared at Sera. "You're on thin ice. If the evidence wasn't just circumstantial right now, I'd whistle up the Empyreans to punt you into a holding cell."

Sera didn't flinch. Merely bowed her head. "I understand."

Gabrielle kept her eyes on her a moment more. "Noted. Will you cooperate?"

"With the revelation that redemption is possible by some means, the Council's verdict would need to be revisited regardless." Sera raised her head. "I will fulfill my role as Head Seraphim and conduct myself properly."

Gabrielle nodded, then sharply turned her head. "Huh. Speak of the loser and he'll stink up the promenade."

Charlie turned.

Adam stared at them all, mouth open. Lute glared at Cain as though she could turn him into cinders.
Merlin stepped in front of Cain. "Aunt Gabrielle. Vaggie told me once that you punted that particular eyesore through a cloudbank."

Oh no. "Merlin, wait."

Gabrielle raised a hand, cutting her off. "I slapped the bulldog down, yeah. What of it?"

Vaggie looked at Charlie, then Merlin. "Merlin. Don't." A pleading note entered her voice.

Gabrielle looked at Vaggie. Blinked. Looked at Lute. Looked at Vaggie again. "Ah."

Charlie grabbed Vaggie's hand. "She's been helping me with the Hazbin Hotel since before it was named. She's with me." She pulled Vaggie close protectively.

For the first time since Gabrielle swooped down, her expression softened. "So she's a native of Hell, then."

Charlie saw the lifeline and grabbed it. "Yes. My girlfriend."

Gabrielle gave a small smirk. "Out of our jurisdiction, then. Even if the Exorcists get the boot, she's one of yours for good. Tough luck, soldier."

"I'll live," Vaggie drawled, hugging Charlie back.

"...Cain?" The voice was faint, as far as it was.

Charlie looked at Adam.

He stared at his firstborn, eyes wide. His body was slumped, wings dragging the ground.

Cain raised a wing in greeting. "Heya, Pops."

Lute stepped forward. "Sir-" she began, teeth grit.

Gabrielle tilted her head just in Charlie's view.

"I'll remand them to their quarters, Gabrielle." Sera cut in.

"Sera, wait- Cain-" Adam lurched forward, a desperation Charlie couldn't recall being there in his voice.

A terrible hope crossed Cain's face.

"Sir, it's a trick, he can't be here! Let alone like that. Your son's da-"

And Charlie wasn't fast enough.
_________________________________________________________________________________

I smiled brightly while I hip-checked Lute out of the way. "Hello! Adam, yes?"

"Bwuh?" The horn-masked man blinked at me murkily. He'd dropped his drink on the ground long before my arrival.

"Filth, don't you-"

I pointed at her, and lightning crackled down my arm with a menacing rumble. "Down, girl."

She went silent.

"Right! I'm so glad to meet my future father-in-law!" I smiled brightly.

"Your. What?" Adam blinked, coming to.

"Cain? Your son?" I held up my hand, showing off my little dandelion.

He blinked at my hand. "Is that a fuckin' dandelion ring?"

"Yes! He proposed just the other day."

Adam looked at me warily. "And who're you?"

I considered my usual spiel for a moment.

"A two-bit trickster, of no real power." Lute bristled again, moving next to Adam.

"Hey-" Gabrielle tried to cut in.

"Oh? So I'm a bad guy?" I blinked innocently.

"You're a monster from the pit. What else could you be?" Lute snarled.

I hummed, tapping my lips.

Adam was uncharacteristically quiet, watching me.

I winked, setting a spiraling piano tune around me. "Well, if introductions are in order…"

"Oh boy." Cain's weary amusement gave me the last bit of encouragement I needed. Time to play up my 'accomplishments'.

"In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning. I had a nightmare as bad as can be."

"Uh, what?" Adam blinked as I wandered away.

"It scared me out of my wits- a man made of animal bits! Then I awoke and the nightmare was meeee!"

The greenery on the promenade began to flower and bloom, and the sound of animals filled the distance.

"Lady Sera! There's been a break from Lady Orielle's Conservatorium!"

"What!?"

"I was the most mystical mage in Londinium! When tyrants cross me they make a mistake!"

Adam started bobbing his head as a quartet of wolves started howling in the back ground.

"My curses make all of them pay! Not a single BITCH gets away! Ask Hitler- you can't- 'cause Merlin's AWAAAAAKE!"

His jaw dropped.

"In the dark of the night, judgment will find them!" "Find them!" "In the dark of the night just before dawwwn!"

"SINGING ANIMALS!?" Charlie yelled.

And yes, the wolves, foxes, lynxes- all manner of dogs and cats filled the promenade, making the Winners stare in awe as they backed me.

"And justice is sweet, when my curses complete! In the dark of the night-"

"In the dark of the night-"

"They're gone!"

I flew up, and with a single gesture I drew an illusion of night over the nightless city. Stars glowed and the moon hung low.

"My powers are great and they're only growing. So I tighten my sash and a dash of cologne for the smell~!" I swooped down behind Adam, sending Lute sprawling. "My pieces fall into place- and I see them CRAWL into place!"

"HELL YEAH!" Adam pumped his fist.

"Do Svidanya, Stalin, your grace- farewell!"

"In the dark of the night terror will strike them!" "Terror's the least I can do!" "In the dark of the night, resentment will brew!"

"As their hopes I all steal, their nightmares are real!"

Adam whipped out his guitar and started rocking with the music.

The animals bounced along to the song, leaving gobsmacked Seraphim to stand with Charlie, Vaggie, and Cain.

"In the dark of the night-" "In the dark of the night, they're through!"

"In the dark of the night-" "In the dark of the night malice will find them!" "Find them!" "In the dark of the night, terrors come truuuue!"

"Alas, it's a sign, it's the end of the liiiine!" I opened my arms and spun around the square.

Lute kept looking between Adam and I, utterly unconvinced.

Adam's grin was all I needed to see.

"In the dark of the night! In the dark of the night! In the dark of the night!"

I flung my arms skyward. "Come my minions, rise for your master, let your radiance shine!"

From my feet surged a torrent of jewel-colored butterflies, scattering to the new wild growth.

"Find them now, yes fly even faster-"

"In the dark of the night, In the dark of the night, In the dark of the night-"

"They're ALL MINE!"

Adam slammed a finale on his guitar, and daylight returned.

"BRO! That was the most rockin' gardening I've seen in YEARS!" Adam sauntered over and held up his fist. "Pound it!"

I rapped my knuckles on his.

Adam looked at Cain. At me. "So like, level with me."

"Yes, he's an angel now. We have some idea of how. Redeeming everyone isn't possible, but it's more likely than not."

Adam nodded along.

"Sir-"

"Shush Dangertits, we're talkin'. Alright. So what's that mean for Exterminations?"

I looked at him.

On the surface was what I expected – bravado, hunger, wrath, pigheadedness. Under was a muddle of feelings. Love for his children. A bone-deep loneliness. Outrage at sinners in general. But deeper…

A black core of self-loathing, smothered by vice. If I just laid on that it was all for nothing, he'd reject me or crack.

"Well, they need to stop for more than moral reasons."

Adam frowned. "Like?"

Lute scoffed.

"Roots with eyes."

Adam stared at me for a moment, not comprehending. Then he drew back. "No."

"I saw what I saw." I crossed my arms. "And I tapped some worthwhile sources to track them. The way you handled things fed them. They go from Pride all the way to Sloth. Top to bottom. It's anyone's guess how many more purges until they wake up."

Adam slumped, eyes wide.

"Sir, he's talking out both sides of his mouth. We aren't culpable in whatever he's come up with-"

I gagged as someone hauled on the back of my collar.

"Anyways!" Charlie said cheerfully. "We'll leave them to you while we go meet our family! It was nice meeting you Sera, Emily!"

"Hey, wait-!" Adam made his way toward me.

Sera appeared in front of them. "If you think you are willing to cooperate with them, Adam, then you can meet them later. For now, you and the Exorcists are going to guide the animals back to the Zoo."

Adam slumped, even as a bunch of wolves started licking his hands.

Cain looked at me as I turned around. "...so?" he asked hopefully.

I looked at Gabrielle. "He's not a lost cause. Not a good person by any stretch, but… salvageable."

"And his bulldog?" she asked boredly.

I scoffed. "You think I cared enough to look?"

"Merlin!" Charlie gasped. She paused. "I mean. Fair."

Gabrielle's eyebrow quirked.

"None of us like Lute." That was all Vaggie had to say.

"For concrete reasons," I added. Because I'm a petty bitch.

"Hmm." Gabrielle looked ahead. "Noted."
_________________________________________________________________________________

He shut his 'eyes'. With a scowl, the eldest angel turned on his heel.

His footsteps echoed through the empty chamber. A tall room, reaching toward the apex of Heaven, the outermost spheres of creation. Seats ringing the arena where he and his had once sentenced rebels and criminals alike. Where by committee they had designed the experiment.

"Lord Tiriel?"

He opened the eyes along the length of his body, not deigning to observe with the ones on his head. The 'Exorcist' hovered nearby, anxious.

Chattel. Chaff. Useful only in erasing the mistakes. Had Lucifer only listened, they would have had perfectly obedient servants, just below themselves in intellect and capability. Instead they had to waste resources creating these, amongst the lowliest of the Heavenborn in pure power. Beneath even Principalities.

"Knowledge of the Exterminations is yet uncommon. Only the youngest seraph is now aware."

"But- the Archangels-"

"Are irrelevant. They will want a full meeting of the council before making the purges part of the public forum." Tiriel closed his eyes once more.

Clad in a sweeping robe of black, studded with 'stars'. With his eyes. His seven wings bore him aloft, carrying his head like a blooming sea-creature, where the suckers were replaced with ocularity. He could appropriate a more primate-adjacent form, but he only did so when absolutely required.

"And… the newcomers?"

"Hmph. Cain's ascension is surprising, I'll grant that. I'd taken measures to ensure that he never would."

"...so it was possible?" The Exorcist stared at Tiriel.

"Creation is Possibility. Of course it was always possible."

"But you said-!"

"I never said they could not. I said they should not. Why would we waste effort in repairing something that had already tainted our Experiment?" Tiriel paused. "Directive: this shall not be communicated to Serathiel nor the Prototype. Save and Compile."

The Exorcist stilled, then nodded.

They had personalities, of course, but those could be superseded as required. The reject had fallen to Hell, of course, but lacked sufficient information to be a true threat. Tiriel doubted he could rewire her as she was now. Her power had grown beyond her initial programming.

...he considered that allowing personality may have been a design flaw. A battle-harem to keep the Prototype distracted and performing the Work was required. It was nothing new. Apparently men on Earth already began to tire of women, designing toys in their image with greater compliance to their lusts.

A strange situation, but not unforeseen. The stark individualism and grinding collectivism managed to mesh together to create an utterly fascinating purgatory. Minorities, splinter-sects were ground beneath the cogs of society regardless of how harmful or harmless they may be. Likewise, the selfishness of the individual and inability to truly cooperate often bled into efforts to effect real change.

The Eldest had to applaud Gabrielle for her continued attempts to hold the Experiment together. Despite her curmudgeonly affect, she held on viciously, trying to spread her siblings' work where she could. Health, beauty, love, knowledge- Well. It was a moot point.

Greed, Wrath, Lust, Sloth, Pride, Envy. But the greatest sin, that which had truly corrupted the Experiment at this stage? Gluttony.

No, not what the masses thought of as Gluttony, mere overindulgence. No no, true Gluttony – the sin of hoarding and waste, that very indulgence paired with squandering any remains rather than remanding it to those in need. Gluttony of food, of power, of shelter.

Tiriel found the concept of 'AirBnB' fascinating, if only for how utterly sinful it was.

Ahem.

He stared around the empty Council Chamber once more. "Nothing is broken, and so no point is fixed. We shall continue to observe. The Archangels will wish to do this traditionally. To each of them, a day, until the new date for the Princess' hearing is set."

The Princess was not a threat. Not in power nor influence. Nor, truly, were the Reject or the Murderer.

No, the threat was Merlin. Unlike the Princess, he was unsullied by the human race and was fully an angel. He bore the full might of the Experiment Unsullied, had all the malice of the Wretch, and all the canny viciousness of the Messenger. In life he had observed the boy and decided he was too great a threat.

Deals were made. Blessings given. Necessity accomplished.

Here and now? He had permitted the sheltered Princess to survive, if only because it was another tether keeping the Eccentric from his full potential. Merlin may downplay it, but he was what made Arthur the king he was. If he were allowed to truly nurture her into something, to reach out and change the Experiment-

Tiriel shuddered in anger. "Set the Prototype on Merlin. Have him dog his steps."

"Sir, Adam seems to… to like the wizard. Sir."

Tiriel's myriad eyes narrowed as one. "He will keep him occupied then, and out of my way. Animosity or misplaced friendship, either result benefits."

A little longer. A little longer. Time was on his side.

Tirel, God's Tyranny, was the Eldest Angel for a reason.

Before long, all the world would be reminded why.
_________________________________________________________________________________

"So. God."

Gabrielle paused at the door to a massive manor. "What about it?"

Charlie looked at Merlin with wide eyes. "It?"

"God is where we came from as angels. We made Earth as an experiment – the process of Genesis describes how we made Eden, and during that time we used it as our test ground. Adam and Eve were introduced into the primate ecology after they were exiled, and History went on." Gabrielle turned to them. "God is… energy. Creation in its purest form. A womb which we all came from at one point. We can't really comprehend it, and it did set the conditions for rising and falling. Unfortunately, we've only been able to slightly influence the cycle of souls because the Council held onto the criteria with a vicegrip." She gave a dour smirk. "Even Serathiel doesn't know how it really works. Just that they die, the name goes in the book, and they pop up."

"So… has redemption always been possible?" Charlie asked.

Gabrielle narrowed her eyes. "Honestly? Most likely. I remember everything. That's my job. To remember, and to bring what we cook up here down there." Gabrielle jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "I'm the messenger, the bringer of tidings. Creation's news anchor, as it were. Also its historian."

"So you remember when someone said what you thought meant it wasn't," Merlin pointed out.

"Right. It was never said that souls couldn't rise – but that they shouldn't." Gabrielle's eyes moved to Cain. "That fuck Tiriel always does more harm than good."

Cain flinched, paling. Vaggie put a hand on his arm with a frown. "Big guy?"

"He, uh. He was the one that cursed me. And sent me into the desert." Cain looked away.

Gabrielle's lip curled. "He was. And the Council overrode my request to accompany you."

Charlie's head whipped towards Gabrielle, eyes wide.

Gabrielle stared her down. "What."

"You, uh. Don't…" Charlie winced.

"Seem the type. Well, it was back when Pangaea was a thing. I've had to contend with watching human fuckshittery since then." Gabrielle's expression slid to neutrality once more.

"Honestly, the categorization of human sin seems to be a Council failing. They pretty much set goalposts for 'don't', making the forbidden without explaining the benefits. And then when humans naturally tested those limits, they found how it made their personal lives easier while damaging society. Therefore, individualism and collectivism in their worst forms." Merlin's eyes flashed gold. "And let's not forget Tiriel calling Cain's lapse in control 'murder', therefore creating a lethal sin out of an emotional outburst and immediate regret."

Gabrielle smirked again. "Smart cookie. Exactly right."

"Not to mention he is also the one that worse than sandblasted Lilith's ovaries, leading to all sorts of fun there." Merlin placed a hand on his hip.

"Tiriel thinks he can force things into a certain shape by destroying what he doesn't like or exerting a grip of iron. Tiriel thinks he's Machiavelli." Gabrielle turned to the door.

"Tiriel can eat shit," Charlie muttered.

Gabrielle glanced back with a quick grin. She opened the door.

"Heya Gab! Converting more youngsters to the Church of Fuck Tiriel?"

The angel was dressed in black. Black denim jeans, a black tank top. Black swirls of ink covered pale arms. Black combat boots on his feet. Six black wings spread from his back. Black painted nails on a friendly waving hand.

His face was a work of art. His ears were pierced with studs and rings along the edge, his left ear with a skull dangling by a thread. A labret was under his lip, and a silver stud in his nose. Barbels marked his pale brows. His eyes were inverted – white pupil, pale blue iris, black sclera. His white-gold hair was carved into a pixie cut, and round red circles marked his cheeks.

"Azrael. On break?" Gabrielle breezed past him, wings folding in like Charlie's father's would.

"Sure, sure. We all are! I was surprised you volunteered to get the kids. You don't socialize like Jojo or Raph." Azrael looked at them with a warm expression. "Oh wow. You've got both your parents, kid." He smiled, then looked at Merlin. "And you look like your dad got leg extensions!"

Merlin quirked an eyebrow. "...thanks?"

"Anywho, introductions! I'm Azrael, Archangel of Peace. I'm a little overworked, but my job is finding souls teetering on the edge between here and there, and bringing them here." He grimaced. "Success varies."

"Weren't you the Angel of Death?" Cain asked, brow furrowed.

Azrael rolled his eyes. "I used to, 'til Nazi-boy ruined that title for me. Now I go with 'Peace' so I don't scare off anyone who got caught in that absolute hellstorm."

"What did you do to him again?" Charlie asked, directing attention at Merlin.

Merlin smiled, making his teeth sharpen. "I fed him to Kitty."

Cain gave a full-body shiver. "Not Kitty!" ...he...wasn't joking.

Azrael raised an eyebrow. "Right. Given I've seen Gabrielle make that face when someone the Council thought would be a shoo-in for up here got the boot downstairs, I'm gonna assume it's appropriately bad and leave the questioning there." He smiled again, enveloping Charlie in a warm hug. "It's great to meet you. I mean, we just found out, but still." He stepped back, letting go.

"Oh. Um, thanks?" Charlie smiled back.

Vaggie looked around in awe.

"Oooh, an Exorcist. One with individuality. Well, besides Lute. But she kind of just turned herself into a Karen, sooooo." Azrael peered at Vaggie.

"This is Vaggie, my girlfriend!" Charlie put an arm around her, feeling Vaggie relax. "She's been living with me for the past three years."

Azrael's face turned pitying. "Adam named you."

"Yyyyup." Vaggie's expression flattened.

"She made it her own, at least – hard 'g' and all." Merlin made to walk past, only to get clotheslined across the chest.

"Nice. Also, hug tax!" Azrael pulled him in, making Merlin stare in shock. "Charlie we didn't know about, but we've been waiting on you forever!"

Merlin gave Charlie a panicked look. "Huh?"

"Kid, you were in the book! A new seraphim, heck, one on par with us! Whether or not you could fill Hel's boots was one thing, but we knew you'd be family in one way or another." Azrael gave a fond squeeze before letting him go.

Cain scooped Merlin up onto his shoulder. "So, we gonna meet the rest? It's uh, been a while for me." He smiled nervously.

"Sure, sure! Jo should be back by now and Raph and Ori were here before." Azrael jerked his head, and Charlie followed him in the direction Gabrielle had wandered off.

She looked around at the pictures on the walls- mostly of people who looked vaguely like her father, but different. Some looked like him.

"We don't have as many pics of your old man as we'd like, but hopefully he won't cut us off again." Azrael kept walking.

"So… no hard feelings?" Charlie asked hopefully.

"In a sense. We were mad then, and it's like- we're in a position where forgiveness isn't exactly on the table, but holding grudges isn't either. Your dad's been punished more than enough," Azrael concluded in a soft voice. "What he did was shitty, what he endured was shitty- all we can really do is move on. If we tried to re-litigate Eden, all we would do is hurt each other. Burying the hatchet is our best bet."

"You just want your baby brother back, whoever he may be by now," Merlin observed.

"Right in one, bud." Azrael opened a door at the end of the hall. "This is the family room."

It was visually loud inside. A mishmash of décor – pastels met blacks and grays, skulls next to butterflies next to tropical plants, fine china cabinets next to mounted visages from a masquerade.

Gabrielle sat in a chair on the outermost part of a half-circle, topped with a black bird-

"Crow," Merlin murmured.
And Azrael moved to the one next to her. A similar, yet different bird perched-

"Raven."

Next to Azrael sat a massive woman in eye-searing pink, beaming at all of them. "Look at you! Oh, aren't you a bunch of cute kids!" She grinned at Charlie. "Love the suit, sweetie. Very debonair. I'm your Auntie Jojo!"

The tall bird was built into her chair, likely because her insanely tall hair would cover even it. "Secretary Bird."

To the other side, a woman in blue denim and brown boots lounged. She wore a lab coat over a sky-blue blouse, and a tan ten-gallon on her head. A gray parrot perched on the back of her chair. "Well I'll be," she drawled. Her gray eyes pierced all, buzz cut close to her skull. Her six gray wings cushioned her, even as her makeup-less face bore the red marks Charlie was coming to associate with her father's side of the family. "If it in't the lil' miracles themselves. Chuffed to meet ya." She lurched to her feet, and strode forward. With a firm grip, she shook Charlie's hand. "Orielle's the name, darlin'."

"Um, Charlie?" she squeaked.

Orielle repeated with Merlin. "And you, handsome?"

"Merlin Ambrosius, soo-"

"Holder of too many damn titles, right." She let Merlin go with an amused smile.

Merlin huffed, clearly off guard.

"Ah! Hello!"

From a chair topped by- a robin? Zipped another angel, slightly shorter than her father. He wore a doctor's coat over a red vest and bowtie, paired with dark khakis and loafers. He wore a pair of smart spectacles that clashed slightly with his fluffy undercut and single stud in his left ear. "Raphael, wonderful to meet you!" His eyes skimmed over them all. "Oh, look at you! Two happy couples, no less." He gasped. "Jo, Jo! Look!" And he held up Merlin's hand with his dandelion ring.

Jo's eyes widened, and she gasped loudly. "No! Cain? Really?" She bridged her fingers, wiggling in excitement. "Oh hun, congrats!"

Cain chuckled sheepishly. "Thanks, Miss Jophiel."

The chair next to the center on Orielle and Raphael's side was topped with a swan, with small ducks capping the arm-rests. There sat Charlie's father, grinning nervously.

"DAD!?" Charlie yelped.

"Uh. Is he. Allowed?" Vaggie asked hesitantly, staying well within arm's reach.

"He is here as part of our investigation." And Charlie turned her gaze to the last person in the room.

The last angel was the largest, seated in a chair that dominated the back of the room in the center. Topped with an eagle of some sort, it was made of fine leather. The angel himself was clad in the garb of a military general, but despite his imposing figure and blindfold, Charlie felt the warmth of his gaze. Before him, she felt like she had when she was small in her father's workshop. Safe. Protected.

"Greetings, niece and nephew. We, the Archangels, warmly greet you here in our home. It is our hope that this meeting will bring us closer as family, and allow us to assist you with your work."

Charlie's heart was full. Warm. With barely a request, she had the same support she'd had to fight, to claw for in Hell. People who believed in her vision, ready to help, ready to-

"Sooo. About that annual genocide. Is there a way to politic that away by us blowing the lid off it, or do I have to lightning-web them all into ash in like a month? I mean I can do the latter option on the fly, but I think a smear campaign on your old Council might work wonders."

The room went dead silent.

Charlie slowly looked at her brother, (loving!) murder in her eyes.

Gabrielle pointed at Merlin. "We're keeping that one."

A door to the side of the room opened. "Can we come in now?"

Charlie looked.

Angel waved with two of his hands. The others formed a totem pole under him, save Alastor who simply appeared next to them all with a smug smirk. "I personally vote for the thunder-web myself!"

Naturally, all Hell broke loose.
_________________________________________________________________________________

The sun shone over the beach. The soft susurrus of the waves was the only sound as its lone occupant reclined on her long chair. Her golden tresses fluttered in a mild wind.

She didn't look up at the sound of light crunching of approaching steps in the sand.

"...we gotta talk."

For a moment, Lilith did not move. Then she looked up at Adam, lowering her sunglasses. "Do we?"

This wasn't the first time he had come. Their bargain was simple. He knew a secret, and with her out of the way and leaving her kingdom defenseless, he would keep it. Here in Heaven was a kinder place than she expected, but Adam was just as myopic as her in his way.

Adam took a deep breath, and pulled his helm from his head.

Lilith stared.

His complexion was pale, ashen in comparison to the beautiful olive it once was. His hair had greyed, and golden eyes stared out of sunken sockets lined with bags. There was still an attractiveness to him, but it was in spite of his visibly poor health.

"Remember when I said your kid was trying to redeem people?"

"I do." Lilith felt a jolt of pride once more. It was not how she would have chosen to help the people of Hell, but Charlie was a woman of her own mind. She and her daughter were different people – and with what she knew of the common human, likely a more adept ruler than she or her husband, once she came into full flower.

"She succeeded."

Lilith sat up. "You said it couldn't be done."

"I thought that was the case. Hell, it's what I was told, why I pushed for the fucking Extermination in the first place. I. I was wrong." Adam's hands balled into fists.

Lilith felt no need to belabor the point, as it was obvious he waited for her to do so. "So where does that leave you?"

"Fuck all if I know." Adam looked up, meeting her eyes. "It's Cain. My boy."

Lilith's lips parted. "Oh." And for Adam to know, Cain would have to be here. In Heaven.

With Tiriel.

"And he's engaged to yours. They look… happy."

…what?

"No. He cannot be here." Lilith stood.

"Look. You fucked up with him, you set things on course for him and your daughter to meet, and it looks like shit went real well. Now your kids are here, my one kid who might not hate me is here, and all three are gonna be in the Council's crosshairs." Adam's jaw firmed. "If we want to see those punks keep breathing, we're gonna need to get real fuckin' creative with the terms of our deal."

"A simple bargain. Your silence of Merlin's existence in Hell in exchange for you trotting me in as a trophy and my good behavior. All other concerns are secondary."

"Your deal with Tiriel you told me about, it's done. You held up your end even if you got smart about it. Now it's just ours." Adam's eyes narrowed. "That smug fucker reminds me of your husband when I thought he was hot shit. I wanna get a chance to know him better, but so far he might be alright for my kid. Your daughter is- fuck, she's basically Emily but red. At first I thought she was naive, but she meant every word she said. And for my kid too."

"I don't doubt Merlin's been working with her to improve her backbone," Lilith mused.

Adam smirked. "Good. She'll damn well need it."

Lilith looked at her former husband once more. "What do you need of me?"

He slumped, relieved. "So far, 'good behavior' meant staying on this beach and out of trouble. I'm gonna be up front: I want all three of those kids alive."

Lilith tilted her head.

"You can do subtle. Good behavior is keeping our brats breathing, even if you gotta solve some problems."

Slowly, the Queen of Hell gave a poisonous smile. "And you?"

Adam smirked. "Well, Tiriel wants me to slow Merlin down by playing sentry. I was planning on getting to know my new son-in-law regardless, and that jackass rolls like a force of nature. Damn, remind me to find a recording of the jam session we did on the promenade. He sure stuck it to your shitty fuck-losers."

"War criminals, tyrants, those who would have threatened Charlie. No great loss." Lilith shrugged idly.

"Huh. We actually agree on something."

"As well as protecting our children."

"That too," Adam mused. He smirked. "Don't worry though, since Eve isn't around your husband's still the better lay of the two of you."

"Play nice and I might lend him to you," Lilith teased.

Adam choked. "Um, what! No I, that was a fucking insult, I don't do that shit anymore-"

"Pity. He's said your name in his sleep more than once."

Adam blinked. "Bwuh?"

Not necessarily accurate. Or truthful. But it could be fun.

Adam's gaze went distant.

Eve was in Hell. Lucifer was in Hell. Lilith would return to Hell. Adam made Eve and Lucifer happy. He would make Cain happy, and possibly be an olive branch to begin mending bridges with Merlin.

The truth might not hurt there either.

"Right, whatever. Deal on?"

Ah, so many schemes, so little time. "Deal on." Lilith offered her hand daintily.

Adam gave it a rough shake.

 

[sleepyforest]

It's gonna turn out Eve is Rue or a conduit to her

 

[Garreon]

It's gonna turn out Eve is Rue or a conduit to her

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Who was Rue? Can't remember....

Anyway. Again, Blink, you have outdone yourself.
Hazbin Hotel: Semi fun romp about the Princess of Hell trying to redeem sinners, with catchy musical numbers, a lot of profanity, sex and some compelling characters.
Higitus Figitus: A fun romp through hellish redemption, stakes through the roof, compelling and deep, not to mention flawed, characters, catchy musical numbers with some of the best songs from days past, great twists and turns, profanity, sex, comedy and great action moments.
My reaction to watching HH in Prime: Ok, that is that....now to wait for next week....maybe I will wait a bit more and binge it.
My reaction after the last few Chapters of HF: FUCK! DON'T STOP THERE! IT WAS JUST GETTING GREAT! SHIT! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT A MONTH TILL NEXT CHAPTER!
See the difference?

 

[jwolfe_beta]

An alternate title for this chapter should be 'Sara the Seraphim and her Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'

Spoiler: Reactions

Eh. It was my song, after all! Somehow despite everything Walt Disney hadn't shown up down here anyway.

Click to shrink...

Obviously Emily saw the sheer amount of Joy his movies created and pulled some strings to get him upstairs instead.

"NO," Vaggie and Velvette roared in unison.

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Bah, everyone's a critic.

Charlie just laughed and scooped Merlin and Vaggie each under an arm, leaping through – followed by Cain with their luggage.

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Hmm, she didn't yeet them through the portal like she did in canon. Either she didn't feel confident enough to do it one-handed or they weren't as reluctant as Vaggie in canon so she felt fine carrying them.

She was tall. Like, Cain-tall. Wearing a violently pink business suit with shoulder pads and a pencil-skirt, with legs that made Angel jealous. The fuck-me pumps were the same shade of pink, accentuating her pale skin. She was broad and strong, chest pushing at the fabric of her blazer and stretching the pink tie over her white button-down. Small spiral earrings dangled from her ears, almost hidden by the massive black winged lashes that extended to either side of her head. Friendly blue eyes examined them all, with a head topped by a tightly braided beehive studded with what was either very clean rose quartz or pink diamonds.

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This lady needs to meet Queen Bee and/or Ozzie. They got similar levels of glam.

"Well my good woman, unfortunately-"

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Yeah this dog deer does not want to go to Heaven.

"No exceptions."

Alastor looked at Jophiel.

She stared back, tapping her foot.

"As you say." Alastor's ears flattened.

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Alastor's thought process in this moment: I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away.

"Guess we're headin' on in." Angel steeled himself.

Click to shrink...

Look at it this way Angel; if you're lucky, you might meet your sister up there.

I 'opened' my eyes and looked around. Took a moment to glance at Emily. "You're underselling yourself. Joybringer, counselor, bringer of happiness and soother of hurts."

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Insteresting that Merlin picked that up since I was under the impression that seraphim tended to at least somewhat shield against 'eye scans'. Though considering said titles are Emily's core identity, they're probably very easy to discern.

Sera's stern look dropped to an expression of horror.

Click to shrink...

And we even know exactly what that looks like.

Sera's wings and shoulders slumped, and her jaw dropped.

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Not even 10 minutes after meeting her and Merlin's already broken her. Is that a new record?

"We'll forgo the usual welcome, this time."

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Considering the extent of that song and dance number I have to wonder how rare somebody entering Heaven actually is if that's expected to be performed for every arrival.

Emily brightened. "Well, my husband's an old friend of his!"

Whoa. "Oh, a knight?"

"Technically?" Emily shrugged, showing a ring on one of her fingers. It was a cute silver dragon's head.

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Foreshadowing intensifies.

Sera stiffened,

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I think she's begining to understand just what kind of angel Merlin is.

Charlie wanted to strangle Merlin.

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Aww, they really are siblings.

"Ohhh, you're here to stir the shit. See what bobs up, and leave it as you like when you go back down to keep getting Hell how it's supposed to work." Gabrielle's dour expression cracked with a sour smirk. "You're not running from a problem."

That… carried a lot of weight. Charlie wasn't sure she wanted to dig into it.

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Basically Charlie, your aunt has less of an issue with Merlin 'stirring the shit' compared to him leaving them holding the bag/dealing with the aftermath of everything exploding.

Oh no. "Merlin, wait."

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"Merlin no."
"Merlin YES!"

My curses make all of them pay! Not a single BITCH gets away!

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-Velvette sticks her head into the scene-
"Not this #Bitch, I'm still alive."
"Your day will come."
"But not today, kisses darling."
-She saunters back out of the scene-

"Roots with eyes."

Adam stared at me for a moment, not comprehending. Then he drew back. "No."

Click to shrink...

Looks like whatever went down in Edan wasn't actually killed but has been quietly biding it's time.

Tirel, God's Tyranny,

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Well this guys is three different kinds of a**hole. Notice how more often than not he doesn't even bother referring to individuals by their names as opposed to titles/descriptors?

"Heya Gab! Converting more youngsters to the Church of Fuck Tiriel?"

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"Yes, we're meeting every Sunday at 9AM and the bake sale is next week."

Who was Rue? Can't remember....

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Rue or Roo is a character Vizziepop mentioned as a 'looming threat'.

My reaction after the last few Chapters of HF: FUCK! DON'T STOP THERE! IT WAS JUST GETTING GREAT! SHIT! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT A MONTH TILL NEXT CHAPTER!

Click to shrink...

To be fair, HF has an animation budget limited only by the imagination of readers, isn't constrained to sub-30 minute segments and has unlimited 'run time' in terms of episodes per season along with other factors. As a result the director/producer/author can do a lot more with it.

 

[Hakunon]

Excuse me but merlin is hers?

I don't think Merlin will acknowledge that and the only reason she isn't being blasted when they meet is because of charlie

I favor him blasting lilith for the sake of sheer elation because of the fuck up thing she did to him

Sure it lead into something good but shitty action are still action

 

[Blinktwice13]

Excuse me but merlin is hers?

I don't think Merlin will acknowledge that and the only reason she isn't being blasted when they meet is because of charlie

I favor him blasting lilith for the sake of sheer elation because of the fuck up thing she did to him

Sure it lead into something good but shitty action are still action

Click to shrink...

Lilith sees Merlin as hers. Merlin vehemently disagrees.

Also, I set up the resolution to the arc of 'why did Lilith do that' from Chapter 4 all the way to this one where I spell it out. They're not going to be a happy family, but a truce and civility will eventually be possible.

It's gonna turn out Eve is Rue or a conduit to her

Click to shrink...

What's going on with Eve is directly inspired by Roo, yes. I'm obviously throwing in OCs and me pulling lore out of my hat by the bucketful, so aside from the obvious AU elements this is, well, a fully transformative work.

An alternate title for this chapter should be 'Sara the Seraphim and her Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'

Click to shrink...

Very much so. Sera, however, does start rolling with the punches surprisingly quickly. She's not as major an appearance as the Archangels here, but she starts to get more involved as the week goes on.

This lady needs to meet Queen Bee and/or Ozzie. They got similar levels of glam.

Yeah this dog deer does not want to go to Heaven.

Alastor's thought process in this moment: I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away.

Click to shrink...

I love Jophiel. She's so fun. And while the Overlords do needle her, note that they never actually disobey her or go directly against her. Neither of them are stupid.

Interesting that Merlin picked that up since I was under the impression that seraphim tended to at least somewhat shield against 'eye scans'. Though considering said titles are Emily's core identity, they're probably very easy to discern.

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This is more of what happened in Chapter 4, where Merlin 'read the room' so to speak. Emily is such a major presence in Heaven her efforts are felt everywhere. Similarly, he could pick up all the Super Turbo Depression Time Lucifer experienced just by looking at the palace in Hell.

Basically Charlie, your aunt has less of an issue with Merlin 'stirring the shit' compared to him leaving them holding the bag/dealing with the aftermath of everything exploding.

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Oh, that's not the only thing she's pissed about but yes. I've actually got her conflict with Lucifer drawing out over the arc. Gabrielle is the Knight in Sour Armor for Heaven, and Charlie gradually getting her on board is going to be something I'll both struggle with and enjoy.

She's the personification of 'if it makes you comfy, you're not reading history - you're reading propaganda'.

Looks like whatever went down in Eden wasn't actually killed but has been quietly biding it's time.

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I needed something that wasn't Extermination-Bowl 20XX for the finale, especially if I didn't want Adam to die without exploring the ramifications of his character (especially with Cain involved).

Well this guys is three different kinds of a**hole. Notice how more often than not he doesn't even bother referring to individuals by their names as opposed to titles/descriptors?

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Tiriel isn't actually an angel from any particular canon (Judaic, Gnostic, Christian/Catholic) but a character from William Blake's poem of the same title. I only really borrowed the name, but the wikipedia article notes he represents things like the Prince of Tyre from the Book of Ezekiel who tries to pass himself off as God, the kind of God who is insanely jealous and ready to curse and find pretext to destroy what he hates. One interpretation is that he's meant to represent a society in decline.

To be fair, HF has an animation budget limited only by the imagination of readers, isn't constrained to sub-30 minute segments and has unlimited 'run time' in terms of episodes per season along with other factors. As a result the director/producer/author can do a lot more with it.

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Very much this. Vivzie has worked on HH for years, and hit block after block. At one point she flat out got swindled of her entire savings and fell back and punted on YouTube. She's refined the lore and characters for a very long time, and what I do here - as a lot of fanfic does - is tweak what she already set out. I deeply appreciate the praise, but that woman put her blood, sweat, and tears into her work and I respect the hell out of her for it.

I can get away with things because HF is fanfiction, or transformative work. I took the ideas, setting, and characters of Hazbin Hotel, and put them in my personal sandbox with my own toys and let myself play on a level I don't think I really have with any of my other fics.

To be honest, (aside from my BG3 fic), I think a discussion I had with @October Daye off-forum puts it best. As she said to me: I don't have to justify queerness in this world, so I can jump right in to building everything else. No matter what I write, it's going to have queer people in it. It's just more than a few of the fandoms I like are primarily aggressively heterosexual. This is the second time I haven't had to do creative reading on the characters to make them do what I want.

 

[jwolfe_beta]

Gabrielle is the Knight in Sour Armor for Heaven, and Charlie gradually getting her on board is going to be something I'll both struggle with and enjoy.

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Gabrielle after a day of interacting with Charlie: She's somehow worse than the shortstack. Is there a dial somewhere that we can use to turn down this overpowering peppiness?

'if it makes you comfy, you're not reading history - you're reading propaganda'.

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Or there is something really messed up about you. Nobody's history is free of black marks and screw ups.

Edit:
I think the biggest thing I'm looking forward to is not only seeing the interactions of the Charlie's cast of Sinners with the Angels, but also how Heaven views Hell as a whole.

Because while the focus of this story is on the former-Humans-turned-Sinners, one has to consider the various species of Hellborn as well that inhabit the other Rings. Particularly since the eye-roots seem to be a potential threat for all of Hell considering their spread. Sure they aren't 'human' but by all indications they have similar if not the same emotions, wants and desires as Adam's and Eve's descendants. But at the same time they don't seem to have ever been part of Heaven's grand Experiment.