King Arthur and the Round Table - a story known the world over. Written, re-written, and then some. In all versions, exists one character: Merlin. A cambion sired by an otherworldly lover upon his mother. Some say an incubus, some a devil. Perhaps even the devil.
In something adjacent to the Hellaverse, we get this. Meet the cast:
Charlie Morningstar: Lucifer's daughter, determined to redeem sinners and save her people. Daughter to Lucifer and Lilith, half-sister to Merlin - who has decided to play kingmaker once more. With Some Adult Supervision, what changes might occur?
Vaggie: Former exorcist, now happy partner to the princess of Hell. Enthusiastically supports the Hotel, less enthusiastically supports the stranger who has decided to 'help'.
Ambrose/Merlin Ambrosius: Having lived a life stranger than the fiction, he resides in Hell at the Queen's... forceful request. Of course, being stripped of his humanity left only what his father gave him - and made him a bit more than could be cowed. But neither could he go against his father, who was in the dark about the situation. Biding his time and living what life he could, he keeps Pentagram clear of the Worst of the Worst. And then he sees a commercial. Perhaps a bit of friendship and sparkle will coax this eternal youth out of his shell once more?
Cain: The platonic ideal of the bear community meets Stardew Valley. Irrepressible, guilt-stricken, and Not As Advertised by the forces of heaven. Also a massive pervert and swears like his father.
Alastor: On a certain someone's leash, and content to watch the carnage. Assuming certain promises are upheld, of course.
Lucifer: Now with additional Absent Dad Angst, Edenbowl, and Siblings.
Everyone Else: Is forced to adapt to the new situation. Except Niffty. She's doing just fine.
Hahaha I have no idea what I'm doing but this is at least fun to write. Please don't take any of it seriously. I do have some backlog, and will post while maintaining it.
BLINK IS AT IT AGAIN WITH HIS LATEST HYPERFIXATION. Let's see if I finish this one. For the record, I am not going past season one and intend to make this self-contained.
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"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded five days ago by Lucifer's delusional daughter, Charlotte Morningstar! Come place your fate in her inexperienced hands!"
"Hm." I trailed a finger through the air, causing the bank of TVs to dissolve into static. The image was location enough. The hill outside Pentagram held that decrepit shell of a building, for all it was slightly prettied up. Well within a 'letter over spirit' offer of help.
With a spring in my step, I began to walk. I honestly hadn't put much stock in their daughter, but this was different. A move to change Hell? That was worth looking into. Whether it meant ascension to Heaven or simply a reduction in the general misery of the place… either way it was worth nudging along. I'd make my decision once I'd met the girl.
It was one thing to hate or fear her parents, but again- I didn't put much stock in her. Neither good nor ill. This? This was something I could work with.
"Well, well Charlie. Your mother gone seven long years and your father nowhere to be seen. Will you be the girl who becomes queen?"
The landscape, brutalized after the most recent extermination, was a blur as I moved unimpeded. No one saw me. I wished to be unseen. No one heard me. I cultivated silence.
I idly took note of the princess dancing past, belting out joyfully. "It's gonna be a happy day in Hell!"
Naive. Enthusiastic. Sheltered, unless I missed my mark.
And I wondered: was he, as a boy? So many thought we met when I was old and he was new, but- Would it have been different, were that the case?
And soon, I was there. I was at the door. It towered, ready for someone many times my height. The handle was still easily low enough to reach. I raised my hand, and gave a single knock.
I waited.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Ay, carajo." Vaggie stalked to the door, eye narrowed in frustration. Against all sense, she hoped it was at least a sinner looking to con them into a room - it would be a starting point, and if nothing else that would make Charlie happy. …nothing else had gone right, yet.
She took a deep breath, and schooled her face into neutrality. Her smiles were for Charlie, or maybe someone who made it worth her time. The sinners ranged from sympathetic to annoying to unbearable, and Charlie was the only person who made her feel seen.
(Even when she was such a liar.)
So she opened the door.
"Salutations, young one! Have I come at a poor hour?"
And knew immediate regret.
He stood nearly of a height with Alastor, clad in a pink suit. It was so pale it could have been stitched from the petals of a faint spring flower, or stained with the thinnest coat of blood. Beneath was a white shirt, and a bold crimson tie. His shoes were the same bright red, shining and pointed at the toe. His skin pale in a way she had only seen once in Hell, his hair gold like the rays of a sun she had almost forgot. He wore a small, close-mouthed smile that peeked through a neatly-trimmed beard. In his red-gloved hands he carried a cane of brown, gnarled wood - topped with crystals that seemed to filter the very light that touched them.
But all of this was forgettable in comparison to two aspects. First, his eyes - the solid gold of a hawk, with a fathomless pool of ink in their centers.
The second? His wings, banded more than any exorcist until they looked like a falcon's.
"Ah, the Extermination! Yes, quite over for the year, no fear my dear. My appearance can be quite unsettling but rest assured- you are not the first to mistake me for one of them." His eyes bored into her soul.
"R-right." Vaggie snatched back her composure. She didn't cower in front of Alastor, and even if this guy was three times the force Adam was (because he was full of shit) she was this place's guardian. "How can I help you?"
His lips quirked in visible approval. "Stern stuff. Loyal, firm. Yes, you I like. A good influence on our dear princess." The strange 'demon' cleared his throat. "Though if she's going to tangle with that lot, you might want to tell her- I don't doubt they'll use any secrets against you." He made quick 'x' over his eye.
She narrowed her eye in response.
"You may address me as Ambrose. Charmed, I'm sure!" He gave a pointed smile. "I happened to see an advert regarding redemption?"
Well. He hadn't done mu- wait.
"Tell her what?" Vaggie hissed, leaning forward. She didn't notice anyone behind her, likely caught up in their own business or waiting to shoot the new commercial.
"Why, that you're like me! A victim of such impressions. It is best to cut off such misunderstandings at the root, before they can flower into poison. How you do so is up to you, but I always found my terms to be the best ones for unfortunate realities to play out." Ambrose's smile softened. "You are her beloved, no?"
Vaggie stared at him. He kept smiling, but unlike Alastor it lacked active malice. She straightened her shoulders once more. "Right. What about the commercial?"
"Well, the 'semi-functional staff' seemed hardly adequate, and your master of ceremonies was less than ceremonious." Ambrose's smile turned wry. "It seemed poorly complimentary to the work of changing the very ecosystem of this cesspool. Quite ambitious, I'll admit. Admirable, one might even say. Buuuut."
"But?" Vaggie raised an eyebrow.
"But one must account for failure, and given things as they are there simply isn't time for a proper proof of concept. If the young lady can convince these hooligans to behave, this town might at least become bearable for those like you and me- we who had less a part in our tenure, deserved or otherwise. And if ascension proper is possible? Well. That is a promise made before, to varying fulfillment. I'd quite like to see it made real, whether for myself or not." Ambrose bared his teeth. "So! I am here to offer my not inconsiderable aid and experience!"
In other words: you can't do- Wait. Wait.
"You think it's possible?" Vaggie stared at Ambrose, letting surprise through a third time.
"Don't you?"
"It's worth trying." Vaggie grit her teeth and stared at the winged 'demon'.
And he simply laid a finger aside his nose, giving a conspiratorial wink.
She let out a breath she didn't know she had held. "Okay. Come on in." She turned around. "We'll get you set up. I'm trying to record a new commercial-"
"I am a man of myriad talents. Illusion is far from the least of these, so give me blank tape and I will forge you a miracle."
Vaggie let a smile cross her face. "Can you do it with my input?"
"To a detail. I'm quite skilled at listening, looking, and reading between the lines!" Ambrose's cheer seemed to brighten the dour foyer against all odds.
Angel and Husk looked from the bar in surprise.
"Who's Mister Fancy-Pants?" the spider drawled.
"Ambrose! And you're the star in residence, no? An honor to meet a fellow man of masks, truly." Ambrose swept past Vaggie, glancing at her. "And Husk! Quite different from our last encounter."
The cat gave Ambrose a side-eye, then jerked back. "Fuckin' hell. You let him in here?" He snarled, pointing at the pink-clad 'demon'. "You lied to me!"
"I said that your next pot might win it all. I also said you were better off sitting it out." Ambrose gave a lackadaisical wave. "Cue line."
"The good man had a point, Husker! But then our friendship might never have bloomed so beautifully." Alastor flowed out of the shadows, large smile fixed in place. His eyes were narrowed. "But yes, Hell's most infamous 'secret' information broker. Commonly known amongst Overlords, but few others. What exactly is your purpose here, friend?"
Vaggie stilled. Had she made a catastrophic error in judgment?
"Oh you know me so well, Alastor. Well enough you ignored information you paid such a price for, too!" Ambrose flicked his fingers carelessly at the Overlord, devoid of fear. "As for my plans? I want to see the princess become a queen in her own right. If it causes utter upheaval and allows me to tend the garden more easily? All the better. The best to Heaven, the worst to the soil. And everyone else breathes easier."
Alastor bristled, but didn't make a move. "And now that you are here?"
Ambrose flounced onto a stool next to Angel, eyes finally on Alastor. "Why, I'm going to get to know each and every one of my new housemates. Perhaps I'll make problems go away. I may even cause them! But regardless, the first step to healing is confronting wounds we would rather ignore." He flashed another smile at Vaggie. "After all, how can one solve a problem unacknowledged?"
"Hell is functioning as intended, Ambrose. I cannot understand why you would indulge in the princess' flight of fancy! A gentleman of your caliber, honestly." Alastor leaned on his microphone-cane, posture elegant yet relaxed.
"Naturally you wouldn't." The 'demon' looked at Husk. "Anything sweet back there, Husk?"
The winged cat's ears lifted slightly, even if his scowl remained. Vaggie took note of his choice of address and body language. "Might have some rum or wine."
"More sugar than polish remover, and I'll be content." Ambrose flashed a smile at Angel next.
The spider raised an eyebrow and leaned on the counter. "See somethin' you like, handsome?" He crossed his arms under his chest fluff suggestively.
"Hm. More than not, I suppose. Still-" He went quiet, annoyance causing his lips to purse as Alastor gripped his shoulder.
"Ambrose, I must insist-"
Vaggie stormed forward. "RIGHT. You!" She aimed her spear at Ambrose. "You said you were willing to work on the commercial?"
Alastor's eyes went wide. "My dear, be very careful."
Ambrose moved away smoothly, letting Alastor's hand fall. "Too right, too right! Miss Vaggie, shall we adjourn? I'll work a lovely little spell on your behalf."
As Ambrose ushered her away, what stuck with Vaggie the most wasn't Angel's disquiet, or Husk's thoughtful frown.
I smiled as Vaggie sketched me an image of a place of rest and recovery, of hope and healing. It wouldn't draw any but the most desperate, but I rather thought those would be the best candidates. Angel wasn't there, not yet.
But any of Valentino's would have been a lovely starting point. Good eye, little Charlie. Very good eye.
I wove song and sight and sound and sensation into a symphony. Rather than let it out, I pushed it into the blank tape Vaggie provided. Images appeared one by one, and the echoes bound into the film.
To the naked eye, it looked like I stuck a ball of light into a camera.
"That's it?" Vaggie gave me a dubious look.
I sighed. "Watch it, why don't you?" I glanced over the arm of the chair in the sitting room- directly into a single red eye.
"Niffty dear! Lovely as always." I gave a mocking half-bow in my seat.
The little gremlin giggled. "Ambrose! I didn't think we'd see you again! Not after last time."
"Last time?" Vaggie asked, eye on the film and an earbud in her ear. She seemed mollified.
"Well, we parted on poor terms. I told Alastor something he didn't want to hear, and he reacted poorly. Combat is something I excel at, but I saw no need to deal with him directly." I smiled at Niffty. "Did I?"
"Nope! You went 'poof', like a shower of flowers!" Niffty giggled again. "Ohh, it was really sad. You were a lot of fun!" She tilted her head. "So why're you here?"
I pointed at Vaggie. "Helping."
"Helping? For what?" Niffty folded her arms.
"Reasons of which reason knows not." I propped my legs up on the couch.
"This… this works. This is great." Vaggie stared at me.
"I am a man of many talents! I contain multitudes. Now, fixing this place up is a touch beyond me. At least in a short time frame- if I am allowed to work my ways in every nook and cranny, I might actually get this shell to proper code. Earth-code, at least." I gave a thoughtful frown. "One wonders if Hell has an equivalent?"
Vaggie clapped the camera shut. "Doubt it." She leaned back on the couch. "...what's the catch?"
I leaned back. "Niffty, can you see if Husk has my drink yet, dear?"
"Mmkay! Be right back!" And she scuttled off.
I turned my full attention to Vaggie. "Truthfully, I never thought much of Charlie. Not ill or well, nothing at all. She simply did not factor into my day to day! But that commercial was the first I saw of her in a century or two, and I was intrigued." I folded my hands. "I am here to help because it is what I do. I have moved pieces around, made things more bearable on the ground floor. Overlords I twist and manipulate, though not always with success. Sometimes there is more resilience than I can account for, sometimes they are cleverer than I think. And sometimes there is a bulwark against which subtlety fails."
Vaggie frowned, camera in her lap. "Like?"
"The Vees. Hardly my design. Now, the stage is set for them to clash with your little hotel - Angel belongs to the flesh-trader, and Alastor stands against their mindbender in eternal enmity. If I can slide some steel into your lover's spine, I might yet see the back of their distasteful little empire." I frowned. "Had I known she'd shore them up so nicely, I would have prioritized Velvette over Reagan. Alas, the lesser evil turned greater through the power of friendship."
"Prioritized… wait. A lot of people, and I mean a lot, never made the splash in Hell I thought they would. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot-" Vaggie pointed at me.
"Hullo!" I waved my hands gleefully, cane in my lap. "Yes, a bit hands on compared to what I did aboveground, but necessary work. Alas, lonely work as well. Tending this foul garden is ever so thankless." I gave a dramatic sigh.
"...as bad as Pride is, it could be a lot worse," she admitted. "Carmine is good to her people, I hear. And Zestial-"
"I do consider those two coworkers and something like friends. Zestial in particular. He's a canny old ghost, but so long as his minions toe the company line they are adequately compensated." I inspected my nails through my gloves. "Alastor and I have differences of opinion. He is a serial killer and cannibal, but his preferred targets are those who tend to deserve it. Of course, he's an equal opportunity sadist when it comes to discomfort and simple misery, but it takes a certain level of gall to properly provoke his ire."
"Good to know. So what do you get out of all this? Why go this far?" The former murderess stared me down.
"Simple. Petty vengeance. I despise the queen. By insinuating myself in an active role in her daughter's life, I have a chance to forge her into a firm, just ruler. A force for true good." I smiled. "After all, my deeds did not speak for themselves. My soul was never weighed. No, I was caught off guard and invited here by Her Majesty. Forcefully. And once here, despite being her superior in strength, I never had the opportunity to repay her - not without drawing her husband's ire."
"So you want to use Charlie." Vaggie sat upright.
"As does Alastor. He's in quite the pickle, and a strengthened Charlotte Morningstar is the key to his solutions. At least I am honest about my desires." I raised a finger. "But."
"But?" Vaggie narrowed her eye.
"Charlie is not what I expected. She has genuine care for people. That is something rare and more precious than gold in these wastes." I closed my eyes. "It should be nurtured and protected. Guidance given so she does not burn or break. Yes, despite my years it is a rare and fortuitous moment I find those worth giving a damn about." I opened them, and smiled. "And now I have found two. Alastor's little prank, churlish as it was, was a sign of fortune for me."
Vaggie slowly pointed at herself.
"Yes. For the life of a child, you threw everything away. Unlike the others, you are worth saving." I held out my hand. "Thus why I believe you should bare your sins and salvation to your lover. She will take it best from your lips, rather than the base ape from which all humanity grew."
"...he'd hate it if you called him that." Vaggie's lips twitched. She still looked at me, seeing something I'd rather she not. The resemblance to my father was uncomfortable, despite never having really met him.
"That monkey believes that as the original he is to be revered. Despite embodying every sin in full flush, that he deserves his station. Nevermind that the prototype, the alpha copy, is always riddled with flaws that are polished through refinement and time." I twiddled my fingers. "Honestly, your saccharine spider is more affable and sociable by far."
Vaggie's stern visage cracked into a smile, if only for a moment. "Fine. I still don't trust you."
"Then I shall let my actions speak, if my words go unheard." I shrugged. "If we hurry, we can set the commercial to broadcast when Charlie returns. And after I shall make my introduction."
She clutched the camera tighter. "Right. I'll go get it set up." She stood, just in time for Niffty to come back with my drink.
"Darling, you are a treasure," I crooned, tilting the glass to my lips. The bitter burning gave me pause. "Vodka? Husk, you vindictive shit."
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie walked back in, thoughts whirling. Six months. Six months, what was she supposed to-
"Charlie! Babe, c'mon, it's about to air." Vaggie smiled at her, taking her hand in hers.
"Look Vaggie, I- wait, air? The commercial? You got it?" Charlie's eyes widened.
"C'mon, the new guy helped. Looks like Alastor's fuckup got at least one good thing."
Charlie followed her partner with wide eyes.
Angel leaned against the couch while Niffty perched on the ottoman. Alastor sat in his chair, enigmatic smile in place. Husk sat on one couch corner, and Charlie sat between him and Vaggie. In the remaining chair-
He was taller, hair darker. The wings were different. But in so many ways, he looked like her father. The man in pink and crimson sipped at a teacup.
"Alastor pulled some strings and got it on air," Vaggie explained, "and Ambrose put it together." She jerked her thumb at the stranger.
"Pulled some limbs too!" Alastor chortled. "And I'll vouch for Ambrose. He's an odd duck down here, borderline philanthropic depending on the client. But his work is always what he promises. Just be careful to pay attention to what's on offer." Alastor's grin sharpened.
The teacup hit a saucer. "Princess Charlie. Nephilim, Lilim. An unmatched pleasure." The man smiled in a way that reminded her of a time when she was small, and an image of golden birds. His eyes were something like her father's, but the pupil was black instead of red. "I hadn't thought we'd have much in common, or I would have made your acquaintance far sooner. Truly a rara avis."
A 'rare bird'. Said by the man with falcon wings. Charlie wasn't sure if that was good or not.
"Shh! It's on!"
"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel-" Vaggie began, only for the commercial to cut off.
"Aw, fu-" Charlie began, only to still as Channel 666 played the news she had held onto.
The room went quiet as Katie Killjoy explained, in no uncertain terms, how they were irrevocably fucked.
"Well! That's unpleasant!" Alastor's narrowed eyes turned to Charlie.
"Hush, fawn." Ambrose's voice turned icy. "This level of deviance from order wouldn't have been brought on by a plea for aid or forbearance and you know it. They're covering up something that a more immediate reprisal would unearth."
Charlie looked at the man, fingers steepled over the cup and saucer in his lap. His lips were bitten, brow furrowed.
"I vaguely recall telling you not to call me that," Alastor rebuked airily.
"And you recall what happened after?"
Alastor went still. "Vaguely."
"Let's not quarrel, Alastor. It's unbecoming of men of our station." Ambrose's smile was frosty.
"Mm, true! Time better spent running this establishment as effectively as only we can- only for it to-"
Ambrose arched his brow. "Provide tangible results we can browbeat those in charge of the exorcists with? Why, that was exactly what I was thinking!" His smile was like a raptor's beak parting in a parody of a grin.
"Oh, to live in a state of permanent delusion."
"I'd say it's called hope, but as you decidedly have none I won't bother."
"Haha! Oh my friend, never change."
Ambrose gave Charlie a look that screamed 'really? This guy?' It was more intimate than she expected from a stranger. Friendly, almost… familial.
She must have been missing her mother more than she thought.
"So wait, you really think this can work?" Angel gave the (not an angel) a dubious look.
"Simply because it has not been done yet does not make it impossible. And I am quite skilled at peeling the world back to force its secrets forth." Ambrose held out a hand, palm upwards.
"You keep telling yourself that, motherfucker." Husk slid off the couch and onto the floor. "How much of the footage we did made it in?"
"It made a lovely base. You've quite the voice when it isn't slinging abuse, gorgeous." Ambrose winked.
Husk bristled.
"Fret not! I simply portrayed you at your least irritated, nothing untrue."
His hackles lowered. "Fuck you, Ambrose." He shuffled off.
Charlie slumped. "Uggggh. Today sucked!" She threw her hands up.
"Oh, hardly. Vaggie, that thing I asked you to handle should best wait till the morning, however. Fresh face and all that."
Vaggie glared over Charlie towards Ambrose. "I'll consider it."
"Good, good. All I ask." Ambrose sipped his tea. "Hot toddy, dear? You look wretched."
"Mmmaybe. Ugh, Adam was awful!" She threw her hands up. "He wasted my time, ate ribs in front of me, wouldn't shut up about all these angel women he pestered into sleeping with him-"
"The man is the seven sins incarnate. Were he not the first, he would be here with us. Affable if appeased, otherwise a sheer nuisance." Ambrose frowned, tapping his cup. "Though not without redeeming factors. The man did love his sons, and one wonders how much of his behavior is due to how that panned out."
"How did it?" Charlie asked, curious.
"The younger was favored by both Adam and Heaven. The elder took it poorly. The first sinner was your mother, but the first murder was a fratricide. Mitigating details exist, but those are the short notes." Ambrose took another sip.
"...okay, him hating sinners might have a bit of an explanation," Charlie whispered.
"Hardly an excuse. Setting aside Cain is alive and well, if well-hidden - it does no good to tar all with the same brush. Abel should also be in Heaven, naturally."
"What." Vaggie leaned over Charlie, eye wide.
"In terms of raw power, there is Lucifer. Beneath him are four. Lilith, Cain, and two in this room. Young Charlie and myself." Ambrose smirked. "Though my intelligence tells me that the princess neglected her combat training."
Charlie groaned. "But it's so meannnn! I don't want to hurt anyone." She looked at Ambrose.
The pity there scalded her. "Atimes my dear, ruthlessness is a mercy upon ourselves. Not all foes fall to diplomacy and kindness. I fear that day is coming closer to you than either of us would like. One only hopes I might be able to share that burden."
"Aha, I must ask- what do you mean, you are on par with Cain and the Queen?" Alastor stood up.
"You know who I am Alastor. All names and titles gone, who and what I am. That was one thing you asked of me." Ambrose stared him down.
Alastor rubbed his cane. "So I did. So the variant of your tale-"
"The truth is what brings me here."
Alastor's eyes widened. "Good golly. That'll be a fun twist for everyone else!" He laughed, good cheer restored.
"Anticipate it, o' merry sadist." Ambrose reclined once more.
"...anyone else feel like somethin' real obvious just didn't get said?" Angel asked.
"Uh…" Charlie trailed off.
"You two fuckin'?"
"HA."
"I prefer a man with some dental hygiene, sweetheart. Maybe if he learned what a tube of toothpaste looked like."
She closed her eyes as Vaggie stroked her hair.
This was your plan, Charlie. Be strong for Mother.
Chapter two! I'll be able to devote more time to writing and maybe playing other games now that the latest FGO lotto is over. I've already started chapter 5, so progress?
Posting this a little earlier than planned to celebrate getting a promotion at work.
I slowly made my way downstairs, rubbing my eyes. The racket outside was mind-numbing.
"I still have breakfast!" Niffty called, skittering around.
"At the bar?" I asked.
"'Kay!"
My lips twitched at the utterance, despite it not- well. I looked at the new hole in the wall, and saw Alastor's tentacles sprouting from the ground to grapple something in the air.
"He has it handled, then."
"Same as he did last week," Husk muttered. He eyed me as I took a seat. "What's your real angle? You might be nice to morons down on their luck, but that don't apply to anyone here."
I prepared tea with a few flicks of my fingers, hands safely ensconced in my gloves. The scalding liquid flowed from pot to cup in a flawless stream. "Is it so hard to believe I want to see Charlie do good in a world so direly disposed to evil?" I looked at Husk. "You were there too. Niffty either doesn't understand or is too mad to care."
"Not my business." Husk tipped a bottle of amber into my tea for a split second.
I took a sip. Bracing, with an edge of sweetness beyond the burn. "Hm."
"Mead. Managed to find it under the counter." He gave me a cool look.
"Appreciated. More than the vodka." I gave him a knowing smile.
He smirked back for a moment. Then looked away. "I ain't gonna pretend we're good."
"Well, as long as I'm here I can figure out a way to make it up to you." I tilted my head to hear better.
"And thank you- for letting your guard down! Haha! SHIT."
An elk's bugle preceded the explosion.
"Managed to piss him off." Husk was tense.
I looked at him. "If I did contracts, I would purchase yours. The best I can do is get him to relinquish it to Charlie for an equitable price."
"Still don't know how you got all that power you claim without it." Husk scrubbed the bar roughly, not acknowledging my offer. He still had his pride.
"Same way as Cain. By being too ornery to die and having a severe metaphysical leg up." I smirked. "And being too hard to pin down during the most wonderful time of the year."
"Think he'll come?" Husk met my eyes again. He and I had enough history that we shared a few things Alastor did not.
This was one of them.
"Possibly. The first family was rather dysfunctional, and he clearly regrets his crime. Not to mention it was his sole one before landing here, where he only killed those who threatened him."
"And you… uh…" Husk flicked his eyes up and down.
"Our partnership is… in question. I'd prefer not to speak on the matter unless it becomes relevant." My tone was clipped. "It is… different from with my king."
I hadn't called him in three days. It was only a matter of time before he tracked me down.
"From what you told me about that guy, you deserved better. And I'm saying that." Husk's eyebrows rose.
I clutched my cup. "It was a different time. We loved each other, but he had expectations upon him to fulfill. In a just world, I would have joined him in Heaven after a long, full life. Instead, thanks to the Queen, we got what we got." I frowned.
"Uh huh. So your plans for the princess…?"
"No. Decidedly not the same." I flinched in revulsion. "Please never suggest it again."
"Got it." Husk smirked. "You gonna tell her?"
"Perhaps I intend to use it as ammunition against her father, supposing he turns out to be hostile to me. Or maybe I mean to tell her tomorrow, before Alastor changes his mind. Who can say?"
"...dunno how that'll go over. Depends on how you do it." Husk scowled. "Alastor schemes, but you got a good track record of gettin' cake and wolfin' it down."
"The difference between a desperate deer and an apex predator, handsome." I smiled.
Husk rolled his eyes. "Not you too."
"Yes your physical form is unconventional, but I would happily listen to you read the phone book with my head in your lap." I shrugged.
"…better than that one's constant come-ons." Husk squinted and pointed at me. "Still not happenin' though."
"Mm. May I still flirt if I keep it tasteful?"
Husk snorted. "Won't stop you. I can always enjoy a good ego stroke."
"Food! UMPH." Niffty shoved the plate up next to me.
"Lovely, dear. Go have fun." I spun a wisp of power into a tennis racket with a button on the handle. I handed the weapon to her.
Curiously she pressed the button, and the webbing sparked with enough electricity to tase a bull elephant. "OOOOH. Thanks, Ambrose!" she cheered, dashing after fleeing roaches. The sounds of popping exoskeletons began to echo.
"She's adorable, in a psychopathic way," I observed.
"Hmph. You don't even wanna know her deal," Husk muttered.
Our eyes met, and we chuckled. It was hardly a bridge mended, but a truce nonetheless.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Charlie! It seems our specter in residence has gone walkabouts?"
Vaggie gave her a flat look, and Charlie shrugged helplessly. Ambrose hadn't started any trouble since moving in, but things seemed to be moving along regardless.
"Welll his coat got ripped so he took a trip to the tailor!" Charlie gestured at the air as she turned to face Ambrose.
"Goodness. How could he tell, the raggedy prick?" Ambrose gave an expression of faux surprise. "I'm still put out that Angel Dust thought I'd suffer his attentions. Eugh."
"Is there something you want, Ambrose?" Vaggie crossed her arms and began to tap her foot.
"Yes, actually. Your goals are clear, but methods less so. What do you define 'redemption' as? An admission of guilt? Betterment of the self? Understanding? Healing? And how do you intend to achieve this?" Ambrose planted both hands on his cane and leaned forward.
Charlie and Vaggie slowly looked at each other.
Ambrose tapped the crystals jutting out of his cane topper.
They looked back.
"Right! So we're going to work on vulnerability, discussing our feelings, trusting, and being kinder!" Charlie clapped her hands together.
Ambrose gave a slow blink. "I see. And how do you expect to address the deep-seated traumas of your patients?"
"The what now." Charlie's smile froze.
Ambrose continued to stare. "You don't truly think that sinners sin because that's just how they are, do you? Nothing exists in a vacuum. Those that make it to heaven are the privileged or truly determined. Those who simply exist in the lower echelons of society are far more likely to do what they must to survive, or cope with the monstrous uncaring existence into which they are thrust."
"Uh." Vaggie leaned back.
"Happy people do not come to Hell. Whether it be because they clawed to the top of the social strata and indulge in hedonistic aristocracy or political games, or they clung to life by any means necessary - genuine joy is at a premium down here." Ambrose tilted his head. "Honestly Charlie, you may be one of the few fleeting examples I can recall since my arrival."
"Okay. Angel seems pretty happy, though." Vaggie raised an eyebrow.
"Seems is doing quite the lift in that sentence. Like Atlas." Ambrose's eyes seemed to peer through them.
"Well Mr. Information-Broker, some of us don't have all-seeing eyes!" Vaggie threw her hands up.
"They're not all-seeing!" Ambrose placed a hand on his chest.
Charlie peered at the birdlike eyes in question, wondering how true that was.
"Depending on concentrations of mystical energy, I can only get vague impressions. For example, Lucifer's palace is nigh impenetrable. The only knowledge I have of the man comes from one who met him in my living days, and my encounters with the Queen."
"You met Mom?" Charlie perked up. "Do you have any idea where she went?"
Ambrose went still. Statues had more movement. He was an image of stained porcelain, eyes blazing with inner sunlight. "Charlie."
Vaggie stepped in front of her.
"Without putting too fine a point on it: were it not for your mother I would be in Heaven right now, with people who made my life worth living. You are a genuinely good and kind person, Princess Morningstar."
Small pale petals began to flutter from above. The air stirred, as though ready to tear asunder. It was beautiful. A fragile peace, calm before a storm. Alien to Hell.
"I would like to think that someday soon we could be friends. Your mother and I never will be." Ambrose closed his gleaming eyes. He took a deep breath, and let it out in a hiss.
"...oh." Charlie crossed her arms. "I'm sorry."
Ambrose made a sharp gesture. "It is not remotely your fault. Though some simpletons may blame the child for the sins of the parent, I am not one of them."
"So to get back to the point: you're clairvoyant." Vaggie quickly rerouted the conversation, and Charlie felt gratitude swell in her chest.
"Quite!" Ambrose chirped, playing into it. "I am an illusionist, soothsayer, shapeshifter, magus, and middling swordfighter." He paused. "Among other things as of late, but details!"
"Woooould one of those things be an angel?" Charlie asked hopefully.
Ambrose's eyebrows shot up. "What an idea! Why, if I were an angel I'd hardly have a sterling reputation down here, let alone able to do any business."
Charlie looked at Vaggie, immediately taken back to their room not hours ago.
Charlie… I did things I'm not proud of. But I don't regret getting that kid out of there. And even if it hurt like, well, Hell, you made up for it. I might not be super patient with everything, but you make me happy. And I don't want to risk my old comrades getting smart and trying to play us against each other. I don't think I want to go public about this for obvious reasons, but you know. And that's what matters.
Vaggie… thank you for trusting me with this. I'm sorry it took you this long to feel comfortable enough to bring it up, and that you felt like you had no other choice, but I will always be grateful you're here. You said- you said Ambrose said you should?
"Yeah, it's the wing thing." Charlie smiled. "Buuuut if you were, you know. It'd be okay."
Ambrose chuckled. "I shall keep that in mind." His smile faltered. "Admittedly, I do not know the Queen's whereabouts. Wherever she is, it is beyond my gaze. Given I can peer into the other rings, this bodes ill."
"Or maybe she knows you'd kick her ass if you had a chance and doesn't want a fight." Vaggie's expression was unimpressed.
"Well, yes. But that's changed!" Ambrose gave a bright, sunny smile.
"It has?" Charlie asked, hope rising once more.
"Of course! Why, since we've begun to hit it off, inflicting physical harm to her is quite infeasible, if only because it would bring you sorrow. No, my vengeance will be simpler: with you at my side, I shall emotionally extort her for an explanation of my circumstances."
Charlie blinked.
"I'm going to hide behind you while you demand her to explain herself and apologize."
"...huh." Charlie thought about it. "Okay, sure!"
"So your plan to punish Lilith is to get her daughter to give her big sad eyes." Vaggie still seemed unconvinced.
"The woman who so despises control she fled her first husband, and essentially ran Hell while her second husband the king functioned as a recluse? Forced into divulging her intrigues under emotional duress?" Ambrose's smile turned sly. "I'm sure she'll be thrilled."
Charlie glanced at Vaggie. "This now sounds like a much less good idea." Vaggie gave a solemn nod in response.
"Eh. We can workshop it. I am open to constructive criticism." Ambrose shrugged.
____________________________________________________________________________
People were simultaneously easy and difficult. The easy part was understanding them.
A glance at Vaggie, and her regret over the Exterminations and pain from her exile (where she lost her eye and had wings amputated) rolled across her like images on a screen. So too did her love for Charlie and capacity for good. Though not without a healthy (necessary) dose of caution in regards to Hell.
Angel Dust's bravado took the form of hypersexualization and exaggerated vanity. Beneath was a swirling vortex of fear, pain, self-loathing, and a young(?) man teetering on the edge of despair. He grasped at the shreds of control he could. When Husk saw beneath the edge of the mask, Angel fought back by becoming the aggressor.
Charlie was the last of the new ones, and what I glimpsed through Alastor's little jape solidified. Sweet, kind, sheltered. Wanting to see the best in everyone. She was born into privilege, so her experience was somewhat divorced from the common person of Hell. There was some pettiness, some anger- but no more than any other person. The 'Helsa' I glimpsed was certainly deserving of it. Likewise Adam's little musical number would have earned my own ire.
I paused at the bottom of the stair, lost in thought.
Charlie's impression of Lucifer was… different. What I saw from Lilith was the playful trickster, the proud king who planned to raise Hell up. But as had been pointed out, she herself was capable of illusions- she might not be able to hide in front of me, but she could choose what I saw. My own mother saw him as the gorgeous stranger that saddled her with. Me.
He was a father to Charlie. Loving, distant. But as I was able to play third party and view from the outside… he seemed almost awkward. Desiring to connect, yearning to protect and cherish. Unable.
…if I was going to understand this, I would need to lure him out. Eventually, Charlie would need a level of help Alastor or I couldn't safely provide. Then-
"And this is Ambrose! He moved in yesterday, and kind of creeps everyone out! He's neat!"
I blinked.
One Charlie. One Vaggie. One snake with too many eyes, including on his top hat. Cobra-based, I think.
"Ambrose, this is Sir Pentious! He's our first real guest!" Charlie clapped excitedly.
I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that Angel Dust?"
Pentious gave a sheepish smile as I scrutinized him.
"Our first guest interested in self-improvement," Vaggie drawled, apparently unconvinced.
I just need to plant the cameras like Mr. Vox said, and then the Vees will recognize me! My genius, my prowess, my value-
I gave an insincere smile. "Of course. Though, praising one patient at the expense of the other may cause relapses and backsliding. Not to mention emotional distress."
Charlie's smile froze. "Um."
I looked at Angel where he scowled into his drink. He met my eyes and immediately flipped me off.
This shouldn't bother me. It doesn't. I'm good. It's not like redemption's any less shit than it was before.
I looked back. "Hm. Much to consider." I looked at Pentious. "Well. Sal. U. Tations." I grinned. "I'm certain you'll have a lovely stay at our happy little hotel."
"Oh he isss very creepy." Sir Pentious leaned back with a frightened grin.
I leaned down, maintaining eye contact, and scooped the cyclopean cat into my arms. Slowly, I stroked it from head to tail, continuing to smile at Pentious.
Is this safe??? Mr. Vox, who is he??? Is he going to wear my skin!?
"Do you moisturize?" I asked innocently.
Pentious' eyes bugged out and he leapt into the air with a shriek. "You'll never flay me alive!"
Charlie, Vaggie and I looked as the snakelike sinner twined around the chandelier.
"...do I want to know." Vaggie's tone indicated it wasn't a question.
"MMMnope."
"Ambrose, please don't traumatize our guests." Charlie gave me a pleading look.
"Can make little a trauma? As a treat?" I used my hand not cradling the cat to hold a small space between thumb and finger.
"No." Vaggie's eye nearly gleamed with the promise of violence.
"Alright. There's less harmful methods of friendly torment anyway." I shrugged. "Also, kitty." I resumed petting.
"KeeKee's a sweetheart," Charlie cooed, rubbing the cat.
The two little bapho-goats flit by, bleating.
"Erm… can ssssomeone… help me down?" Pentious called in a weak voice. "I think I am sstuck."
"I shall pay penance by granting aid." I gave a solemn nod. I set Keekee down on the floor, and she pattered away blithely.
Vaggie folded her arms. "This I have to see."
"Oh, he's more than capable. Observe!" Alastor clasped his hands together, malice gleaming in his eyes.
"I'll be a bit gentle for Charlie's sake," I remarked aloud. And I raised my hand, my cane blooming into my grasp. "And… down."
I aimed the crystals, and they glowed softly. Pentious vanished in a scattering of petals, and reappeared on the ground below.
Alastor's eyelids slid nearly shut. "Well that was anticlimactic."
"Thank you, Ambrose! Uh, what were you expecting?" She glanced at Alastor.
His grin simply widened to show near every tooth in his head.
"Thank you, kind sssir! I am in your debt!" Pentious gave a sweeping bow.
He's insane! Maybe if I kiss ass hard enough he'll let me live!
"Anything's possible," I remarked aloud.
He can read minds! Shit!
I drew back and feigned shock. "No I can't! You're just visibly panicking and it's your body language."
Pentious went stock still. His eyes darted to and fro. Am I safe yet?
"Mmmmaybe."
"Ambrose! Quit fuckin' with the spineless shit and I'll pour ya some irish cream I found." Husk tilted a bottle at me.
I winked at a despairing Charlie and strode over to Husk. "Ah, my angel of alcohol. Whatever would I do if not for your tender attentions?"
"Go dry." He shoved a glass at me with a flat stare.
"A fate worse than death, truly."
Husk's lip twitched. "Won't argue that." He raised his bottle and began to chug.
Charlie gently herded Pentious upstairs to find a room alongside Vaggie, and I turned my attention elsewhere.
Angel stared at his phone, expression carefully neutral.
Shit. Val's been textin' like there's no tomorrow. And all these messages… how much is pushin' my luck? I gotta go back, but how soon?
"Out of morbid curiosity… do you trust Charlie's intentions?" I asked after a moment.
Husk went stock-still, and I noticed Alastor begin to hover closely.
Angel looked at me. "What's it to you?" He gave a slow, languid smile. "Y'know babycakes, you and I could get to know each other a lil' better." He deliberately reached for me, and laid a palm on the right of my chest.
"Hm."
Alastor's eyes flickered, for a moment, to radio dials.
"Have I threatened you, somehow?" I tilted my head.
Angel's brow furrowed. "Whuh?"
Husk began scraping the glass of irish cream across the bar, eyes flicking from it to me.
"It's just this: whenever someone pokes or prods at something uncomfortable, you immediately begin to flirt with them or otherwise act out. If it's sufficiently distressing, you cross into a full come-on or sexual harassment. So clearly, you're threatened by me. Though whether it's a power move or appeasement I can't be quite sure." I smiled slightly.
He jerked his hand away from me as though burned. "You don't fuckin' know me." He leaned back, eyes hooded.
"Naturally. Knowing and seeing- glhk!"
"Shut yo ass up and drink the damn spicy milk," Husk hissed, pouring the alcohol down my throat.
"Shame, Husker. Last time I saw Ambrose work his wiles, he had Susan sobbing and throwing up from stress! Ah, for simpler, more halcyon days." Alastor's smile took on a wistful edge.
"Who?" Angel's scowl turned to confusion instead of frustration.
I coughed. "Cannibal. Ornery old hag. Rosie's problem."
Alastor pointed at me with a cheery squint of his eyes. "A concise summation, ten out of ten! Well done, chum."
Angel gave me a wary look.
I thumped my chest. "Ah! Well, that wasn't the way I was going regardless. You're interesting, and haven't done any actual harm. I was simply trying to understand what line I had crossed, so as not to do so again."
Husk's wings lowered.
I glanced at him. "You get a bye on that one because you were protecting him. Fully understandable."
The gambler gave me a considering look, then nodded.
"Unfortunately I think some got in the back of my throat in a bad way. Cran-vodka to wash it down?" I fluttered my eyelashes at Husk.
"Don't do that again and I'll get on it." He pointed at me and turned away.
Angel looked between Husk and I with a frown. "So… you two." He leaned on the bar. "You guys…?"
"I would be so lucky, but alas! Husk has dashed my heart so callously." I placed a hand on my chest. "But so long as I keep it classy, he lets me get away with a flirt here and then." I winked.
Angel relaxed. "Them's the breaks, I guess." He looked at his phone. After a moment, he peered back at me. "It ain't nothin' you did, Bright Eyes. Just ain't a fan of bein' written off."
Alastor opened his mouth, only to close it with a disgruntled glare at my stare.
"I was under the impression you were here for the free rent. Or is it the simple act of dismissal that irked you?"
Angel pointed at me. "That. I might not have any plan of playin' with this kindergarten bullshit, but…" He trailed off, eyes lowered.
"But being discarded for a shiny new toy by someone you thought better of still stings." I kept my tone even.
Alastor let out a content sigh as Angel's shoulders slumped.
"Well, I think it's not so much as Charlie has 'given up' on you- I doubt she knows how- but she sees someone whose problems she can focus on to the exclusion of her own who may let her." I held out a hand and took the new glass from Husk.
"Hold on." Angel looked up at me. "What was that part?"
I raised an eyebrow as I took a sip.
"The 'on her own' bit." Angel folded his arms.
Alastor gave a sound like static, leaning in with interest.
"Charlie's problems may not be the same as yours, Alastor's, Husk's, or mine, but they exist. We all have our escapes. Alastor has his sadism, Husk his bottle, and Charlie her altruism. More virtue than vice, but an avoidant coping mechanism regardless." I tilted my head.
Alastor's static gave a harsh buzz as he stood. His eyes narrowed. "How droll."
I smirked. "You were getting a little too comfortable, old friend."
"This fucker is over a thousand. The only sinner who comes close is Zestial," Husk muttered, leaning close to Angel. He might not like the porn star, but he clearly didn't wish the 'joy' of Alastor's attentions on him. Nor mine, for that matter.
Angel's eyes went wide, going back to me.
"Well, I'm sure this will all end happily. The man who brought a zeppelin to bear on the hotel not half a day ago is amongst us! The princess' judge of character strikes again."
"Well, if it does then she'll be justified. If it doesn't, then I'll deal with him like I did Susan." I smiled brightly.
"Rosie's missed you ever since, you know."
"So what're you guys' thoughts?" Angel mused, taking a beer from Husk.
"The buffoon is clearly trying to ingratiate himself with the princess and keep his scales intact. Having him grovel was satisfying, however." Alastor tapped his chin, eyes lowered in thought.
"He attacks us and wants to join the same day? You buy that, I've got a swamp in Gluttony for sale." Husk buffed the countertop.
"You been?" Angel asked curiously.
"None of you could have, but the books exist and hellborn can move freely between rings." I sipped a bit more. "As for my thoughts… well. I think his employers overestimated his aptitude and underestimated his deep desire for home and acceptance. Once he slips up and Charlie does as she does, he'll be eating out of her hand."
"So he is sneakin' around." Angel's eyes narrowed. He visibly considered what I said. "But you think Charlie can get through to him?"
"Back him into a corner, he'll turn to his employers. I only know Vox by reputation, but-"
Alastor gave a maniacal giggle. "Oh, he won't lift a finger to help. I could be convinced depending on the asset, but that egomaniac considers everyone but the other Vees expendable."
"Precisely. When that happens, well." I looked to Angel. "Keep an eye out, he'll be obvious when he moves. Once he does, shut him down and bring Charlie running. If we play this right, she'll get her second guest."
Husk's tired look was just as expected as Alastor's glee.
"You think this redemption racket's got anything to it?" Angel leaned on the bar. "I mean, Alastor's here 'cause he's bored, and this cutie's got no choice." He trailed his fingers towards Husk, only for the winged cat-man to swat them away.
"I think it could work if several pieces were in play." I stared at my drink.
"Hmm. Sounds like a scheme. Come now, don't be shy! I love a good plan as much as the next Overlord." Alastor finally sat in the seat next to Angel opposite me.
"Three simple parts. First, I'd need Lucifer out of the way. Given his raw power, this is best dealt with diplomatically via Charlie offering me harbor. Second, I need the exterminations to stop. A year is not enough time to unpack a person's trauma and get them into a place to consider atonement."
"Huh. That makes a kind of sense. Why'd you need the Big Dick in Charge out the way?" Angel sipped his drink.
"Because part three is culling every Overlord who contributes directly to the net misery of Hell. I don't mean those like Rosie, Carmine or Zestial, who maintain order and treat their subjects with a modicum of care. I don't even mean Alastor, who plays more into this piece than not."
"I'm sure we all have an idea of who you mean. Ambitious, but… it does have a ring of possibility to it. I can't say whether I'd like those miserable souls in Heaven rather than on my leash, but it sounds as though you believe redemption is possible on a case by case basis."
"It's good for Hell, but I can't see it functioning to the degree Charlie wants it to. Hell lacks the infrastructure to make it work. Redemption is personal and not a short road." I shrugged. "We'd need a lot more rehab clinics and therapists. Ones who don't fuck up their patients."
Angel blew a raspberry. "Good fuckin' luck with that," he scoffed.
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie looked over the script, and nodded. Pentious did well in the game earlier, but this… she wasn't quite sure, especially as she'd need Angel for it. Before, she would have gone through with it. But after her conversation with Ambrose? And him saying she was playing favorites?
She tucked it under her arm and made her choice. She'd get him to read it over before getting everyone together. It'd be fine, right?
…
"Charlie, I am very glad you brought this to me. You have extended trust, and so I shall reply in kind. If you wished to make your displeasure with Angel Dust clear in a scathing passive-aggressive psychological assault combined with elevating Sir Pentious' ego, you have succeeded."
Charlie twitched. "Uh."
Ambrose massaged the bridge of his nose. "I know you didn't actually mean to do it, which is why I'm merely acerbic and not bursting a blood vessel. As a rule of thumb, morality plays rarely help in dealing with personal trauma. Quiet, therapeutic activities- gardening, art, writing and so on - are often better. Reading as well."
"So, if Angel's said anything to you- obviously, if it was in confidence-" Charlie kept moving her hands around, trying to find the right words.
"You want my read on the situation without invading his privacy." Ambrose smiled a little.
"Yes!" Charlie pointed at him with a wide grin.
The 'demon' looked outside the window of the reading room he'd claimed. It opened to a great amount of sunlight, and was nearly a small forest with the amount of greenery he kept. Fronds, flowers, shrubs- few that were native to Hell. Charlie could almost hear birdsong as he visibly turned her request over in his head.
"This room might be good for what you suggested. And I noticed Angel seemed a little better after talking with you guys? Maybe not happy, but definitely better."
"Hm. I could play counselor, if you like. Speak with the guests in a one on one setting." His smile turned wry. "I may have put the fear of me into Pentious a bit much for that, admittedly."
"Well, he'll settle in soon enough." Charlie tilted her head inquisitively, waiting on an answer to her question.
"Angel is a gay man from a period where such were actively oppressed and shunned. He died in the 1940s in the United States, where the first real push for rights among the queer community began in the late sixties. His accent is mildly Italian and he favors tommy guns in combat. Combined with the crime family sharing his theme at large in Pentagram, he had a mafia upbringing. It is likely more than one are actual relatives of his. This tells me he likely had two constants in his life: machismo and Catholicism."
"Eheh. Right. Um." Charlie fiddled with her fingers.
"Machismo: a blend of stoicism, paternalism towards women, a disdain towards 'femininity' or 'softness' in men, and a tendency towards pride. Great pride, fragile pride. Easily wounded and a cause for violence. Catholicism is a sect of Christianity. One of the oldest, and one that until of late had decidedly unkind policies towards homosexuals and those of varying gender identity. Not to mention the orientations aside from 'two people of opposite gender'." Ambrose shrugged. "And the fact his name comes from a drug plus his addictions today? He has and had an unhappy existence, and substance abuse is how he copes. This is before we consider he works for Valentino of the Vees, a notorious pimp."
Charlie pulled the writing pad to her chest. "That's… a lot. What can you tell me about Valentino?" Her heart hurt. Angel had, even in theory - which all sounded really plausible - been through so much. But if he grew up like that, kindness from her or affection… it might not be welcome. Or at least, not now, not until he trusted her with it.
Ambrose's lips quirked, almost as though he saw right through her and approved. "Quite. Well, I am unsure of what Vaggie told you of my personal hobby."
Charlie shook her head.
"As bad as it is today, Pentagram could be much worse. I keep a weather eye on the mortal world, and anyone of note who ends up here? I deal with before they can become a power unto themselves. Regrettably, there are those who slip through the cracks. Valentino is one of them. He is a rapist, abuser, and vile piece of scum. He produces porn, which if it were ethically done would be inconsequential. His output is twenty percent consensual, ten percent rape play, twenty percent actual assault, thirty percent gang bangs of dubious consent, thirty-five percent torture porn, and five percent snuff. Effectively thirty percent of his output does not harm the receptive parties in his films."
Charlie blinked. She blinked again. "And Angel… works for him?"
"My princess, Angel is his top-grossing performer. He is consistently a receiving party in all the films he stars, and only has not starred in a snuff or torture film because of the chance of long-term disfigurement- which would slow down production of new shoots." Ambrose offered a hand, and Charlie thoughtlessly took it.
He held her hand in a gentle, firm grip as she processed. "So… Valentino is… all of that. And you kill people like that."
"Permanently. I do, yes." Ambrose didn't smile or frown. He was just direct.
"Couldn't they be redeemed?" Charlie met his eyes, despite her discomfort. She looked for something- anything.
"Anything is possible. However, my prey stalked Hell in years before your birth, and long before this Hotel was founded less than a month ago. The damage they may do to everyone else must be balanced against any potential redemption."
Charlie closed her eyes. Took a deep breath, and let it out. Left her hand in Ambrose's. "I hate it."
"I thought you might, after observing you." Ambrose's voice didn't apologize or blame.
"I understand why, and I also understand that you can see right through them. But you can't do that and stay here." Charlie let go of his hand. She looked at Ambrose.
Ambrose's lips parted, only to curl back into a rueful smile. "I see." He leaned back and looked out the window. "You may be happy to know that I am very careful with the activity. It is hardly common. Months go by without action, sometimes. And sometimes the Extermination takes care of things. But in an ideal world the angels would leave well enough alone, and I would deal with problems as they arose."
"No, it doesn't make me happy. People down here suffer enough already. We shouldn't kill them again. I won't say you're no better than the angels, because I- I want to believe you do it because you care about everyone else. That you believe something like this Hotel can work." Charlie folded her arms. "But I have to draw a line. If someone is a threat to the Hotel, do something temporary. If they won't stop, we'll revisit it. If someone comes to Hell where you think immediate action is required, you run it by me."
To her bewilderment, Ambrose's smile grew. "Understood, Princess."
It was the first time someone had used her title as something other than an endearment or a way to belittle her. Even Vaggie didn't attach the weight to it that she knew it could have.
"Right! So since we're back to the drawing board, you are going to help me think up an activity that both Angel and Pentious can enjoy and benefit from."
Ambrose uncrossed his legs, only to tuck one ankle behind another. He leaned his cheek on a fist. "It would be my pleasure, your highness."
It wasn't mocking or denigrating. It didn't feel as though Charlie had pushed a boundary or been cruel. He was just… acknowledging her authority. He offered his insight, but it was up to her what to do with it.
Charlie liked it.
____________________________________________________________________________
I stared at Alastor as we lurked outside the reading room. Not mine, but another. This hotel had many rooms.
"It starts with sorry."
The Radio Demon's ever-present smile widened as my prediction came true.
"I hated that song! Why are you so lame? Not a bad boy." Niffty kicked the snakelike sinner in the mid-tail before storming off.
We watched Charlie usher Pentious out of the room from the shadows, followed by the surly pair of Vaggie and Angel. Late as it was, I had trouble blaming them.
"Read him like a book, eh?" Alastor's leer turned considering. "Perhaps I was a bit hasty, seven years ago. Simply because you didn't tell me what I wanted to hear didn't make it untrue."
I shrugged. "I said the difference between you and Vox was minimal. I also said you shouldn't pick the fight alone."
"Hmph. Were you anyone else, I'd eviscerate you for such a comment." Alastor's eyes gleamed in the dark. "But, I'm in a fair mood tonight. So how shall we proceed? Vox and Valentino are allies, and you've never made your distaste for that moth subtle."
"Are you asking me to ally with you?" I raised an eyebrow. "Well. We'd need something to bring to Charlie. She said flat-out that I wasn't to kill sinners anymore. At least, not without compelling evidence for the positives of such an act."
"And you say this because you have just such a situation in mind. Respecting her authority, such as it is, while nudging her towards your preferred conclusion. Ah, but you do not change… Merlin."
I gave a wry smirk. "Nor do you. You're not after her soul… no, that's too high a prize for too much a cost. You want her favor. Someone has you over a barrel, and you want to prod the resident bleeding heart into getting you out of that bind."
Alastor's ears flattened. "Honestly. Poking at a gentleman's secrets, the nerve."
"Even if I have every intent of helping you?" I leaned against the doorjamb.
"...why? What do you get out of it?" Alastor tilted his head, narrowing his eyes with a crackle of feedback.
"Well, I do like you Alastor. Inasmuch as I can, for one of your tastes. Also, the person who bound you… well. We have unfinished business. You know this." I smiled darkly. "And once you're free, I can focus on Charlie while you wreak havoc elsewhere. She's got the self-confidence of a gnat, and neither her parents nor people have helped there."
"Oh ho. Camelot wasn't enough, and now you angle to be Court Advisor to Hell? The queen is gone, king shut away. And she's your sister to boot. Given your tendency towards sentiment, this is hardly a surprise." Alastor gave a mocking half-bow. "I happily accept your gracious offer of assistance. Minimal strings, of course."
"No more than usual. I want the Vees gone, so do you. Soft sell does it, Alastor - and once she sees how Valentino treats Angel Dust in the flesh, they'll make their own case."
I walked into the room, gazing at the little VoxWatch.
"Would you like first crack?"
I shook my head. "No. I'd prefer he not know I'm coming until it's too late."
Alastor's shadow slithered to the watch, and he plucked it off the ground. It crackled with green electricity.
"What?" Vox snarled, irritated. I could almost see his eyes widen.
"Better luck next time, old pal!" Alastor taunted with a savage grin, dropping the watch as it short-circuted from the other Overlord's fury.
I smirked at the yowl of anguish in response.
Alastor passed me with a chuckle.
"Bravo, good sir. Bravo." I clapped softly.
He turned and sketched a slight bow. "Above all else, I aim to entertain. Mostly myself but, hm! Details."
I glanced at the camera, still on the shelf. I wandered over and picked it up. Turned it in my hands. With a tap, roots sprouted from deep within and hollowed out the tech. From the top burst a cluster of yellow dandelions. As the roots covered the lens, I set it back with a smile. "A natural touch."
And with a turn, I went to retire for the evening.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Hm. Redemption Hotel… and Lucifer's daughter. Makes sense. If it can be done, great, if not he could probably spin it into something good." The massive hand waved, and vines and stone withdrew. "I might get something out of it too. …and we need to talk. Hope I didn't scare him off."
Heavy footsteps echoed into the night- and a vast forest on Pentagram's edge shuddered with the passage.
And here's where I put actual 'music' in. Song is a huge part of Hazbin Hotel! That said, my tastes are... eclectic and I am Not a Songwriter. So Please Be Nice about my song choices Also the songs will definitely bloat the word count, so the more musical chapters will be longer.
Content Note1: Cain's potty mouth, horniness, and lack of filter. He takes after his dad in some not-positive ways while still managing to be (what I consider) to be primarily a green flag.
Content Note2: Valentino shows up at the end. He doesn't do anything more objectionable than exist, but still.
Song used is 'My Creator' by Mili.
____________________________________________________
Vaggie stared at the door, spear out.
THUD. THUD. THUD.
"Goodness me! I'd say we were under attack, but the lack of fire puts that in question." Alastor leaned over, flicking a bit of dust off of her shoulder. "Though perhaps we should answer before our new patron brings down the house, as it were."
"Look, whatever is out there is big, strong, and possibly a threat to the people here. I'm not opening that door without Charlie."
To her shock, Husk strode straight past the two of them. "I fuckin' know who it is, and he's harmless unless you piss him off. But he's also likely to bust down the door on accident." The winged cat gripped the door handle, and wrenched it open.
Vaggie looked forward. And up. And up. And up.
The sinner had skin the green of new growth, with humanlike veins. His body was muscular, the kind you'd expect from hard labor - a round belly, and sturdy arms and legs. His clothing was simple: working denim suspenders with slightly frayed knees, well-made brown boots, a white undershirt and red-plaid jacket. On his head was a well-kept straw hat, made to keep the sun off his face and neck.
The man was visibly hirsute, with a traumatically familiar goatee and swooping curls. His eyes were the gray of sun-warmed stone, and he wore a friendly smile. With all of this, he was also surprisingly not hard to look at - no visible blemishes, and his clothes bore no stains. There were small stitches here and there, showing a level of care.
"Hey there!" he boomed in an almost-known voice, a few registers deeper than the one that haunted Vaggie's darkest dreams. "Ambrosius here?"
"Who?" Alastor squinted over Vaggie's shoulder, cane in hand.
"He goes by Ambrose, right. Forgot. Also probably wearing his fancy duds if he's around city folk." The giant shrugged, towering over even Alastor's height. He probably even dwarfed Angel Dust. He grimaced. "Is he talking all polite too? Like 'why of course' or 'my good man' and shit. Fuck it creeps me out."
Vaggie's eyebrow raised, and she glanced at Alastor. Despite his ever-present smile, the Radio Demon clearly wasn't aware of these facts any more than she was.
"He's here, alright. Been making himself right at home, too." Husk pointed at a frond that definitely wasn't there yesterday. "As you can see."
The sinner perked up. "Husk! So you listened to him after all! Wait. Where's your shirt?" He immediately looked confused and scratched his chin.
Husk bared his teeth. "Please. Come in." He grit the offer out.
"Don't mind if I do!" The massive man walked in, and though Vaggie saw he was trying to tread lightly the chandelier still swung- just a little. He looked around. "You must be Alastor! Am told me about you. Get any use of the clippings I sent Rosie?"
Alastor's pupils shrank. "Ah-ha, not particularly! I prefer my meals not grown on the vine, thanks."
The farmer(?) shrugged. "Your loss. Am said that she said that they tasted exactly the same. Easier to get your food by tending it in the dirt than trying to drag it down. Not my taste, but, y'know, cannibals."
Vaggie mouthed 'cannibals?' at Alastor, and he gave her a vicious squint in response.
"And you! Well, he hasn't really come home since he got here, so don't know you." The giant turned around and offered a massive hand.
"...Vaggie. I'm the head of security for the hotel." She took it in a firm grasp, only to have her hand enveloped by the giant paw. Even enveloped, the giant was still gentle.
"Nice to meet you! So 'ggie' like 'Maggie', right? Neat name, neat name." He gently pumped her arm, making her shake a little but leaving it firmly in her socket. "Name's Cain! I farm out in the Penitence Fields. Oh, but I had to put up a forest to discourage 'visitors'. They liked to burn my shit down."
…wait. Wait. "You planted Good Succ Forest?" Vaggie stared at 'Cain'.
"Huh?" He gave a polite, confused frown. "Who named it that? I wanted to call it 'Please Go Home'."
"Frittermeat used it to execute his enemies. Literal vampire moss and crushing branches will do that." Husk gave Cain a flat look.
"Ohhh. So that's why Am said 'I'll be right back' one day." Cain nodded. "He tries so hard to take care of me. I can fight, just not a fan of it." He gave a wry smile.
Vaggie let go of Cain's hand. "And. You're that Cain."
The farmer took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yep. Biggest mistake of my life, but yeah."
Vaggie winced. "Right. Won't bring it up again." Holy shit. Holy shit, if he joined the Hotel-
"So you two still a thing?" Husk drawled.
Alastor's head whipped around with a feedback screech.
"Yeah!"
"Good. Tell him that. I'm pretty sure he thinks he pissed you off." Husk leveled a claw at the First Murderer with a more-dour-than-usual look.
Cain's eyes got big and shiny. "Oh nooooo." He immediately turned around and made for the stairs, gently rocking the foundations of the hotel. "AM! SWEETHEART, IT'S OKAY! I SWEAR I'M NOT MAD YOU TRIED TO GET I.M.P. TO PUT A HIT ON KISSINGER TO MOVE UP YOUR SCHEDULE! IT JUST MADE ME A LITTLE SAD!" He bellowed this at the top of his lungs as he climbed the stairs, the wood seeming to become more supple and sturdy under his feet.
Vaggie looked down at the spread of living wood crawling beneath the carpet, renewing the very bones of the Hazbin Hotel.
She looked up at Husk.
He tilted a bottle at her. "You get used to it." And began to chug.
"Ah-ha… Husker. You never mentioned you knew about this sort of thing." Alastor's eyelid twitched, looming over Husk.
"None of my business, none of yours. My guess? Big guy got tired of waitin' at home." Husk wiped his face with the back of a paw. "They've been a thing for five hundred years, last I heard."
"Huh." Vaggie looked upstairs. "Wait. What? How old is Ambrose?" She whirled on the two sinners.
"Oh, eighteen-hundred or so by my reckoning. Very much Cain's junior, but once you pass three hundred who's really counting?" Alastor shrugged. He squinted at Husk again. "...this would have been nice to know, you know."
"He ain't your type." Husk downed the bottle.
"For leverage. Heavens, must I clarify myself continuously? Bah. I've got breakfast waiting in my room. Should things turn foul, let me know - I could use the amusement after that tooth-rotting display."
Vaggie slowly put her spear away as the demon stalked off. "...so does this have anything to do with why he looks like Charlie?" she asked finally.
"No. And that's none of our business either. Ambrose has as much damage as anyone down here. Him being openly against the Queen? That's what he shows off. His life up top fucked him up more." Husk made his way back to the bar. "And if he decides to share that shit, you better brace yourself. Fairy tales and legends are the pretty bits. The real thing?" He paused. Shook his head. "Bartenders hear all kinds of bullshit. Even if I ain't as fond of him as I used to be, I remember."
____________________________________________________________________________
I squirmed under a warm, heavy weight. It certainly hadn't been there when I went to sleep, but who or whatever it was left my head exposed. I managed to roll onto my back, not once dislodging the other person, and came face-to-collarbone with a very familiar clavicle.
Oh bother.
"How do you even fit on this bed? I'm sure it's not remotely big enough for you."
"You made it bigger in your sleep." Cain's voice was smug. "Don't worry, boots on the floor." I glanced past him to see his bare toes wiggling on top of the blankets. "...were you going to come back?"
I winced at the raw hurt in his voice. "Well. Eventually, yes. I think." I finally looked up.
Sad gray eyes met mine. "You think? I promised, didn't I? That no matter what, you could stay with me."
"I crossed a line." I squirmed a little more, and he lifted himself just enough for me to wrap my limbs around him. And he promptly laid back down after I got my chin over his shoulder.
"You did. And we have to talk about it, or else you'll do it again - because I don't think you know what line you crossed." He tucked his arms under me. "When you went to I.M.P., you were paying into a group that ends people's lives. Ends them before they have a chance to fix anything they did, even if they're fuckin' set to come here. You and me, we don't get a say up there anymore. I understand why you do what you do around here, that's fuckin' fine." Despite the profanity, his voice was low and soothing in my ear. "But we're a team, okay?" I felt him turn his head and press his lips against my cheek. "I promise, I won't leave you alone. No more of that shit. Got it?"
I squeezed him tight, and he held me right back. "Okay."
"So you made an impression here already, huh." He sat up, pulling me with him into his lap. Cain was easily three times my size in any dimension. I couldn't help but smile at his soft grin. "Catch me up on it?"
I did. About Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, Pentious, and the old crowd. All of it.
Then I told him my plan.
"That's… Am, this isn't the Table. You can't just get a circle of sinners together to run Pride under Charlie." Cain's expression fell. "And even if Lilith is gone, Lucifer is still around. You still haven't met him, have you?"
"No. I do have measures in place, however-"
He moved a huge finger over my mouth. The way it was placed went over my nose and forehead too. I blinked.
"Babe, listen. Lucifer is complicated. Like, back when he was active he'd go from being a wide-eyed hopeful guy to completely aggro at the newest awful thing sinners did. He hasn't been outside of the palace for at least seven years, if not longer. At least not openly. Whatever his relationship with Charlie - and I would straight up tell her who you are to her-"
I opened my mouth again.
"Babe, sh. You're already getting attached. You said Alastor knows who you are. That deer dude is trouble, and I wish you hadn't offered to snap his chains." Cain moved his hand and began petting my hair while cradling me close. "She'd take it better from you than him. You know that."
I groaned and rubbed my cheek against his, feeling the goatee and stubble scratch my skin. "I knowww. It's just… I don't want her to think of me like him, y'know? Just around because I have a use for her."
"Is that what she said?"
"No… but that's Alastor, and every time Lucifer calls it's because he's bored or wants something. She's a good kid, Cain. She deserves better."
"And you can be better. You've been good to me; when you let yourself care you're amazing." Cain lightened his grip and I leaned back to look at him. "I love you, you know? And if you give Charlie a chance she'll love you too."
I gave him a flat look.
"Not like that, dumbass." Cain gave me a firm pat on the side of the head. "You know damn well what I meant."
"Vaggie's going to eviscerate me. Though at least neither of them were really fooled that I wasn't an angel."
"You tell 'em you were a seraph?"
I scowled. "Nnno."
Cain sighed with a crooked grin. "Uh huh. You gonna keep being all fancy-like? Be the wizard of the tower?"
I gagged. "Fuck, but I hate when people make that assumption. I grew up in the woods. Where'd this ivory tower man of learning bullshit come from? But I can play nobility fine." I tapped my forehead against Cain's shoulder. "Lemme go. Pentious is movin' in, and I'll be missed if I'm not there. Need to get my face on."
"Hmm. What if I want to keep you to myself a little longer?" The hand on my back trailed down, stroking my side until it came to rest on my hip.
"Too bad. Tonight we can definitely make up for lost time, but I have responsibilities." I pressed my lips to his, and pulled back when he swiped his tongue against my teeth. "Hey."
He squinted and stuck his tongue out, only to grin at me.
"Love you too, jackass. If you behave I'll see if this bed can handle me working you over."
His expression turned borderline angelic. "I have done approximately one wrong thing in my entire life."
An old argument, and one I wasn't going to unearth at this time. …when an accident defines your eternity, it can be assumed that something is wrong with the system.
I dragged my hand from his shoulder and gave his chest a solid knead before disentangling myself.
"Fuckin' bitch of a tease…" he groaned, pouting.
I grinned. "If you behave, I have a private shower."
He perked up.
I rolled off the bed, and with a click of my fingers my outfit for the day laid itself over a chair by a desk. I slowly walked to the door away from the hall, aware of his eyes on me. I looked over my shoulder.
"You get one."
He scrambled after me, and when he scooped me up by the waist I let out a bark of laughter as he charged into the shower.
This of course caused the hotel to shudder.
"WHEN DID WE MOVE TO SAN FRAN!?" Angel yelled over the sound of slamming doors.
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie hustled around the foyer, checking her phone periodically.
"Babe, it's gonna be fine," Vaggie said soothingly, putting her hands on her shoulders.
"But it needs to be perfect, Vaggie!" Charlie gestured at the foyer- now with shinier, sturdier wood. It looked great, but it was really weird! And she had no idea where it came from!
"Lovely morning, no?"
Charlie's head whipped around, and her jaw dropped.
A giant green farmer with a smug grin rumbled down the stairs, and on one of his shoulders perched Ambrose in his favored suit. The 'demon' tucked his ankles together, held his cane in one hand and used the other to brace himself on the sinner's head. His wings folded behind him, helping his balance.
Ambrose's smile was tender, gentle - it was almost exactly the same way that Vaggie looked at her.
"Hey ladies!" The giant put a hand on Ambrose's legs to steady him, and used the other to snap a salute off the brim of his hat. His voice was almost familiar.
Razzle and Dazzle flew past them to hang up the welcome banner for Sir Pentious.
Charlie thought, sure she'd at least heard of this man. Green, huge, looked like a super-sized farm boy from Wrath… Wait.
The first murderer lives in Pride too. He raised a forest to protect his fields. Your father, in his kindness, removed the curse that blackened his green thumb. I'm uncertain if it was necessary, but he doesn't cause trouble and keeps to himself. He's uncouth, but harmless unless thoroughly pushed.
"Oh. My. Gosh. Omigosh. Vaggie. Vaggie!" She grabbed her girlfriend by the shoulders.
"Play it cool, Charlie," Vaggie whispered. She glanced at Ambrose and Cain. "But definitely on the same page." She squeezed Charlie's hands with a small smile.
Charlie turned on her heel. "Mister Cain, sir-" she began.
The giant tilted his head, and she stopped talking. "Sir?" he parroted in confusion.
"He's not the sort to stand on ceremony," Ambrose said with a pat to the top of Cain's hat. Cain squeezed his leg in response and smiled. "I find 'Cain' suffices."
"Eugh. 'Suffices' he says." Cain rolled his eyes. "Like he didn't grow up in the woods."
Charlie perked up at that. "Really?" Ambrose had shared that her mother had been… present… in his life before Hell, but not much else.
Ambrose opened his mouth, then narrowed his eyes. "Sir Pentious isn't supposed to be bringing armaments, is he?"
Charlie considered why Ambrose would ask this question. Then her shoulders slumped. "No, he's not." Then she straightened up and turned on her heel.
"Behold! My-!" Pentious started in, posturing with his Egg Boiz.
"Contraband." Tendril-thin vines studded with flowers wrapped around the wicked-looking cannon, and a dandelion flower the size of Charlie's head plugged its mouth.
"Pretty!" Cain boomed, walking forward.
Pentious looked at Ambrose, perched on Cain, and his hood fell. The sinner's eyes went wide. "H…hello."
"Hi." Ambrose gave a wide grin in response.
"Be nice!" Cain scolded. He held a hand out. "Nice to meet you, I'm starting today too!"
Pentious gave a suspicious glare before gingerly taking Cain's hand. "A pleassure, I'm ssure. I am Sir Pentious, archi- wait. No, that won't work for redemption. Hm." He frowned while absentmindedly pumping Cain's hand. "I build things and corral minions. There!" He gave a self-satisfied smile.
"Aw, the eggs? They're cute."
"Yess, very cute - but very dumb. Truly, ensuring they do not expire is a job in and of itself." Pentious gave a dramatic sigh. He let go of Cain's hand and looked Cain in the eye. "But enough about me, my good man. Who might you be?"
"I'm Cain, good to meet you! Wait, I said that already." He shrugged carefully, not moving Ambrose. "Eh, it's all good."
Charlie glanced at Angel and Husk at the bar. Angel was leaning against the bar itself, arms splayed and ready to climb over. He looked more than a little terrified. Husk didn't react at all.
"Goodnessss me, you hardly seem to be as purported." Pentious kept squinting, then shrugged. "Well, being who I am I've quite the sense for danger-"
"Oooooh. The baddest boy." Niffty scuttled over, eye shot with veins and razor teeth bared in a grin. "Hehehehe."
"He's mine, sister. Mitts off." Ambrose aimed his cane at Niffty in warning.
Pentious looked from Cain, to Ambrose, and back. "Oh, he's the scary one of the two of you, isn't he?"
Charlie looked at Vaggie, and her girlfriend tilted her head back and forth in agreement.
Cain smiled and gave a wink. "Not a lot of people figure that out for a while. Nice work!"
Pentious puffed up. "Well! Of course. But I will be needing my Skinflayer 11,000 for self-defense purposes." He turned his pleading gaze to Ambrose.
"Piss off an Overlord? Besides Alastor, I mean." Ambrose tilted his cane to and fro.
"The other resssidentss, of courssse! They all want to kill me! Look how nice they're being."
Charlie looked around. Angel: flipping him off. Husk: drinking and flipping him off. Niffty…
"Ehehehehe."
Niffty-ing.
"Although it is quite nice to know me and my eggies will at least not need to fear you, Mr. Cain-"
Cain blinked again. "What's with all the 'Mister'-ing today?" he asked Ambrose.
"He's British, she's royal. They're very polite."
"You're royal."
"I'm a bastard."
"Oh, I'm sure you're not that bad!" Charlie intervened, waving her hands.
Ambrose gave her an amused smile. "No, bastard as in I was a pump-n-dump on a random peasant woman by a wandering royal."
Vaggie squinted at Ambrose. "And you raised yourself in the woods? Somehow?"
"She couldn't hack it." Ambrose shrugged, but Charlie saw the flicker of discomfort on his face.
"AHEM." Pentious slithered forward. "Regardless of parentage or peerage, I still require protection from at least half this hotel! This one-" he pointed at Cain, "is very large yet friendly. Sir Ambrose is quite terrifying, but I trust him to follow your commands. Alastor… likely does not care." Pentious drooped. "The rest could kill me in my sleep! Except the purple female; she also seems nice in a very militarissstic way."
Vaggie's expression went neutral in the way that told Charlie she wasn't sure whether to be pleased or offended.
"Everyone is being far too nice!"
"They're being nice because they want to make you feel welcome." Vaggie folded her arms, only for a woman to roll a cart right up to Pentious. "What."
The woman handed a clipboard to the snake. "Please sign here." Once he did so: "Thank you. We hope you enjoy your Carmine purchase."
Vaggie opened her mouth to say something, but-
"Odette, can you tell your mother I won't be making the meeting today? I'm aware she asked for me specifically, but as you can see I've a prior engagement." Ambrose waved at the Hotel in general.
Odette paused and looked at Ambrose. Blinked. Looked at Charlie. "...I see." She frowned. "Does this mean…?" She trailed off meaningfully.
"It's under consideration. I'll need to do a bit of research, first." Ambrose scowled as Cain gave him a light swat.
"Understood. You'll be missed, Ambrosius- Mother expects the Vees in attendance and she was hoping for an ample distraction."
Ambrose tossed something, only for Odette to catch it. Her eyes widened, and she hastily put it in her pocket.
"This will work."
"Thought so," Ambrose sing-songed at her.
They went quiet for a moment as Odette left.
"Asss I wass saying, I don't trust half of the resssidents here." Pentious folded his arms. His brow furrowed. "Wait. Ambrosiusss?" And then his eyes bugged. "MERLIN AMBROSIUS!?" He flung his hand over his heart, pointing at Ambrose.
Ambrose's eyebrow twitched.
"HA! Caught out by one of your countrymen, Am? Sucks to be you, cutie!" Cain didn't react to the cane coming down in a wallop on his head. "Babe, you hit me harder in softcore. That's not gonna make me safeword out."
Charlie pointedly ignored Cain's commentary.
"First, rude. Second, he's British. I am - was - Gaelic. I don't claim that kingdom, and the instant those imperialist cockbags end up down here I'm petitioning Charlie to let me erase them." Ambrose folded his arms with a vicious pout.
Vaggie just stared at him.
"Uhhh. Is he important?" Charlie asked. She didn't know a lot of what went on topside, but-
"Is he fuckin' important? Charlie, that guy is the most famous wizard in history! At least when I died." Angel Dust walked over.
"No, he's still important. And this explains… a lot." Vaggie looked at Charlie. "Charlie, Camelot is a kingdom of myth, a utopia. This guy is a keystone in what made it work. He's all he said and more - he's a kingmaker."
"Yes, lovely, can we move on to Pentious' accommodations? We can't have high-powered weaponry loose in the Hotel." Ambrose - Merlin? Gave Charlie a pointed look.
"Right! Pentious, if you want to build helpful things - for all of us! - that's fine. But while you're here, you won't need to be personally armed." Charlie looked around. "Also, for now we'll need to quarantine your Egg Boiz."
Pentious' eyes went wide. "NO! Not my Eggies!" He immediately lunged and swaddled them in his arms.
"It sounds short-term," Ambrose noted airily. "Meaning once you've completed a few exercises to Charlie's satisfaction, they'll be returned." He looked at Charlie. "Am I reading that right?" He slid down Cain's front and landed on his feet.
"Exactly! Thanks, uh. Do we still call you Ambrose?"
Merlin sighed. "The game is up now. 'Merlin' is what my father named me, and I wished to avoid his attention. But at this point the clock is ticking to that confrontation and I might as well flex my might a bit." He rolled his shoulders-
And four wings joined his two.
Charlie didn't know a lot of things about Earth. She knew plenty about Heaven, and about angels.
"Holy-" Vaggie slapped a hand over her mouth.
"Quite. You can see why I was… upset about being remanded here. Yes, nobody was fooled, yes it was a polite fiction."
"Can someone explain what's going on?" Niffty tilted her head.
"Pentious is gettin' his toys put in the closet and Ambrose turned out to be The Wizard of Wizards. And the scariest class of angel." Everyone looked at Angel Dust. "Ma was Catholic, I know my shit."
"Ohhh. Okay!" Niffty smiled.
Charlie inhaled. "SO! Since we're all sharing things and- right! Trust exercises!" She'd need to wrangle some kind of control back.
Everyone looked at her with varying expressions.
Husk hid his thoughts behind a gruff exterior. However much Niffty understood was up for grabs, but she smiled. Pentious kept shooting Angel, Husk, and Niffty distrustful looks - but he wasn't as unhappy as when Charlie said his eggs would need to spend time apart.
Vaggie smiled supportively, and Merlin placed a hand on his hip with an appraising look. Cain-
"OOF."
"I can't wait to get started!" he boomed cheerfully, squeezing her in a surprisingly pleasant bear hug.
"Great," Charlie said, muffled by his chest. At least he smelled clean?
____________________________________________________________________________
"ALL RIGHT. YOU WILL GET ON THIS STAGE, SHARE SOMETHING VULNERABLE ABOUT YOURSELVES, AND JUMP. WE WILL CATCH YOU. UNDERSTOOD?"
I blinked at the former Exorcist turned drill sergeant. I looked over my shoulder as Alastor strode out, Egg Boiz in tow. "We're trusting him with them?"
Vaggie looked me in the eye with a sharp smile. "I am trusting you to handle things if we can't."
I turned her words over in my head and gave a slow smile. "As you wish, Princess Consort."
Vaggie went scarlet.
"Um! We need to be married for that! Not that- well I-" Charlie started stammering.
I tapped my wrist. "Better get on it, your highness."
"TRUST FALLS." Vaggie roared, leaning as close to my face as she could get on tiptoe. "YOU GO FIRST."
I gave a mocking half-bow and got on the stage.
"Okay so- what's your plan? Gonna King Arthur it up here?" Angel asked, pointing at Charlie.
"That's not quite-" Charlie began.
"Clearly he's seen the princess' potential and wishes to make her a stronger ruler!" Pentious stared at me with starry eyes. …it wasn't bad, but I wasn't sure if I preferred it to his unease.
I let out a long exhale. "Let's see… something personal. Ah, how's this: every 'plot' by Morgan Le Fay was actually Lilith. Morgan, Morgause, and Vivian were my dearest friends and helped me keep Arthur's boys' club breathing while they went and fought monsters and saved damsels. Also, the Mordred thing was just a rogue general; no incest occurred." I gave Charlie a glance. "Your mother really didn't like me for some reason." I turned backwards and made to jump-
"How about something that doesn't traumatize Charlie," Cain ordered firmly, palm on my spine as he pushed me back on the platform.
I turned. "What? She knows the kind of person her mother is. Kind to those she loves, unforgiving to those who draw her ire. It's not new."
"Well… what made her so angry at you?"
I looked at Charlie, and she fiddled with her fingers. She kept eye contact.
'I'm our father's bastard', I didn't say.
"That's… private. You do deserve to know, but I won't tell you in front of everyone. Hm… but vulnerable?" I tapped my chin.
Charlie relaxed a little.
"Ah! I'm only six years' Arthur's senior. He and I had a clandestine affair until he figured out I couldn't give him an heir, and then he got with Guinivere and never looked back. I never loved again until Cain about five hundred years ago."
Angel's jaw dropped just as a dull gleam entered Husk's eyes. Husk knew, of course. I frequented his bar and casino, and we were something like friends back then.
"Wha- he led you on? The cad!" Pentious folded his hands over his chest. "Fear not, great wizard! The brilliant Sir Pentious shall catch you!"
I blinked. Shrugged. And flopped bonelessly off the stage.
Cain ended up catching both of us when Pentious buckled with his noodle arms.
"Alright, now pick who's next." Vaggie's gaze was somewhat softer.
I pointed at Charlie, who had begun to vibrate out of her skin. "Me- oh! Yay!" She ran up on the stage.
As I gained my footing, I raised an eyebrow. Cain ended up helping Sir Pentious to his… his… to a standing position.
"I… love you guys. Really, really love you." Charlie's eyes gleamed.
Empty halls and quiet days. Courtly faces and dangerous games. A mother who hid her fangs behind a smile, and doted and loved. A father held in awe, whose awkwardness formed distance. Happy childhood, but as age came so too did understanding.
…a child can't save a marriage. Was that why they had her? I'd need to meet one or both to be sure. …she might have needed me more than I thought.
Charlie turned around and leapt.
Vaggie and I both caught her - a shoulder and leg for each of us. Vaggie gave me a surprised look, followed by a fleeting smile.
Charlie giggled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Well that was illuminatin'," Angel scoffed.
"You next!" Charlie pointed at him.
Husk wore a tired expression as Angel mounted the stage with a long-legged strut.
"Hmmm. Somethin' about myself, huh?" He gave us a leer.
Princess Puff couldn't handle any of my shit. The rest probably wouldn't care. Merlin the magician, heh. Wonder what the fuck he's been up to.
Dizzying, falling, hunger. Fill me, fill me, adore me, hold me. Distance to keep me safe, lock it all in a box. So long as I ask for it, then at least I have a say. It's who I gotta be. So the line is-
Angel tapped his chin. "Well, I looooove to suck-"
"I swear to fuck if you say dicks-!" Husk snarled, hackles up.
"Popsicles, you sicko!" Angel smirked, twirling off the stage. When Husk caught him, he grinned. "Also, dicks too."
To no one's surprise, Husk dropped him in the non-existent dirt.
I nudged Cain.
He gave me a pout, then sighed. "Me next?"
Angel smoothly got to his feet. "Sure thing, toots." He jerked his head at the stage.
Cain lumbered on there, and the structure creaked for a moment until the wood grew firm and supple. The collected demon's gazes followed the trail of small budding wildflowers to the veritable puddle of grass, flora, and weeds where Cain stood before.
"That's… gonna be interesting." Vaggie stared at the vegetation.
I looked back at Cain.
"Uh, so…" Cain shuffled. He looked at me, and I folded my arms.
"So um. When I killed my brother, I shoved him, and he fell and hit his head. We were teenagers. I tried to stop the bleeding, but…" Cain hesitated.
"What?" Charlie's spine went ramrod straight.
Cain flinched. "Yeah, I know-"
"Cain, no. That's- that's not a murder. Losing your temper, doing that-" Charlie stepped forward.
"Manslaughter, tops." Angel gave Cain a curious look. "So you're saying the guy who did the first big No-No didn't even do it? Just got the label slapped on him?" His lips pulled downward.
Husk gave me a dour look. He knew exactly what I was doing. As he kept quiet, he didn't disapprove.
"Fear not, my large friend! I shall catch you!" Pentious reared up, arms wide.
Cain gave him a doubtful look, but a small smile played around his lips.
"I should take this one," I murmured to Pentious, gently nudging him out of the way. "So?" I held my arms out.
Cain huffed. "Fine. Jackass." And he leapt.
"Oh SHIT-" Vaggie immediately lunged to get Charlie out of the way.
And I… changed.
My horns, my eyes, my tail all erupted from my body as I quadrupled in size. The tail of a lion bloomed from the base of my spine, the horns of a ram curled to the sides of my head. Antlers sprouted from my forehead and bowed back over my skull. My eyes snapped open, secondary and tertiary above and beneath the ones in my 'society face'. And with my wings spread, I effortlessly caught Cain.
Holding him like this, I felt a pang of disgust at myself earlier. Seeing his grin so close?
I really need to stop running when I do something people don't appreciate.
"Uh. You can put him down, now." Vaggie's voice was quiet.
I set him on his patch of grass, and looked down at the sinners.
Angel stared up in awe alongside Sir Pentious. Vaggie stood in front of a doe-eyed Charlie. Husk had seen it all before, but still wore a small smirk.
"Ehehehe." Nifty waved her arms. "Me! Me!"
"Go ahead," Cain said graciously with a wave at the stage.
She scuttled up as most everyone stared in silence.
"Sometimes, I kill mother bugs in front of their children as a warning." She immediately flung herself off.
Cain caught her in one hand.
"Hehehehe!"
Charlie and Vaggie had already moved off to the side and started to whisper.
With a shimmy, I shrank back down, packing away most of my inhuman attributes - one pair of wings remained.
Nifty still wriggled in Cain's grip.
"You wanna go, Pentious?" I asked.
He looked over where the two in charge were. "Erm. I think this exercise may have concluded." He wilted.
"Hey, you were willing to catch us. That's good." Cain nudged him while setting Niffty down.
"Yeah." Angel gave Cain a once-over. "So why'd you guys go all in up there?"
"Because it was the exercise?" I shrugged. "And besides, it's far from the most personal thing I could have said."
"And this guy thinks if I set the record straight that it'll make things better." Cain folded his arms. "I still killed him." This time, the bitter self-loathing didn't leave his expression.
I leaned against his side, my hand reaching the small of his back.
"So like- did you even do anything else?" Angel spread his hands. "Because that was a mistake. You were a kid, and you fucked up. Besides, if your bro ain't here there's only one place he could be, and after fuck-knows-how-long there he'd probably forgive ya."
"Not really? I tried making cities, but never really got close to anyone. A big stone crushed me, and I ended up here. Lucifer took my curse from me, and I made my farm." He looked at me and finally smiled. "Then five hundred years ago, you found me in my woods, and talked to me without trying to kill me."
"Wait, Dad did?" Charlie made her presence known.
"Yeah. I think he felt bad for me." Cain looked at me. "But yeah, we've had a long run. It's been bumpy, but worth every day." He smiled and finally put an arm around me.
Charlie made a small, happy sound. "So, Cain. The exercise isn't done yet, but are you interested in checking in?"
"Am's here, and you guys all seem nice. It'd be better if there was a greenhouse, but yeah!" Cain smiled.
"So even now we know he's Merlin, you're still going with 'Ambrose'?" Vaggie planted her hands on her hips.
"Ambrose is short for Ambrosius, which is still his name," Cain pointed out.
"Got it. So this activity isn't quite doing what we want it to. We're opening the floor to ideas." Vaggie waved a hand at us.
Angel tilted his head, then gave a devilish smile. "Welll. If you're looking for 'trust exercises', I might know a place."
I looked around Cain at Husk. His expression showed we were on the same 'oh hell no' page.
"Ehehehehe."
"Okay! Someone find and grab Niffty, and we'll get this show on the road!" Charlie punched the air.
"You wanted a trust exercise, right? No better way to build trust than BDSM. 'The strongest bonds are built through bondage'. It's even their motto!" Angel tugged a pair of fuzzy cuffs apart, holding the chain taut.
Husk had made himself comfortable, getting a backrub from who was clearly a femme soft dom. "Y'know… I don't hate this." His words rumbled with a purr he couldn't suppress.
Poor Pentious had wrapped himself around a St. Andrews' Cross and refused to come down.
"Um. Well Angel, we really appreciate the enthusiasm, but-" Charlie cringed away from a guy in a gimp suit. I wasn't sure if he had a pup hood on or was just a Hellhound.
"Kink isn't something to drop someone into without warning. Yes, it can be used to foster healthy relationships if done correctly by two or more consenting and informed people, but this wasn't the best idea for our purposes." I arched an eyebrow at him. "Unless there's something you'd like to say to one or more people in our entourage?"
Angel actually looked taken aback at my chiding.
Cain busied himself testing some silk scarves. "Hey babe, these might actually hold me," he called over his shoulder.
I blinked. "Wait, really?"
"Are you serious?" Vaggie hissed.
"Give you and Charlie another century or two, and I promise you'll have explored at least the soft stuff out of curiosity." I gave Vaggie a wink and made my way over.
"I'm ready to punish some bad boys. Ehehehee." Niffty tapped a riding crop in her little hands, clad in precious little leather.
"All right, I'm done." Husk scampered away from the soft dom, who looked after him with a sad frown.
"OKAY." Vaggie pushed Charlie away from a leather-clad polycule who were giving her… thoughtful looks. "I cannot believe we let you drag us here Angel, this is disgusting."
Cain shot her a piteous, wobbly look.
"Vaggie, it's fine. Look, maybe I can just-"
"Nope! You trusted me to do this, and I'm gonna do it." She rubbed her chin, and slowly smiled. "All we have to do is teach them how I was taught."
…somehow I didn't think Exorcist-style trust building would be a great plan.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Vaggie, STOP!" Charlie snatched Niffty out of Vaggie's grip before she was punted into the active warzone.
Trial by fire. Yep.
"Um. Do we… have to? I don't like fi-" Cain's eyes widened as we heard Pentious shriek in terror.
"I CAN'T FIGHT WITHOUT MY MINIONS!"
"DON'T YOU TOUCH ME-" Angel barked.
Cain squared his shoulders. "Babe? You handle things here. Niff, with me!" Cain strode forward, Niffty cackling as she clambered onto his shoulder - and grabbed a massive thorn he handed her.
"Oooh! Are-"
"We're saving our boys and punishing some bad ones."
Niffty's gleeful shriek rang like a clarion call as a massive vine lowered the two of them into the fray- right before an explosion of vegetation swallowed the street.
"Vaggie, this isn't the only way to do this-" Charlie approached her, hands opened.
'Sometimes you need to be ruthless, Charlie.' Lilith's gaze was like ice, despite her smile. 'In the end, results matter most.' She's wrong. She has to be.
"This is the only way." Vaggie stared down as Cain worked his way in, and the explosions meant that Husk had caught up and decided to help. Dice, no doubt.
"No, it's not! It just takes time!"
"Time we don't have! Extermination Day is coming - again - and how many times do we need to see your people die before this works!?" Vaggie whirled away.
I sidled over. "Well. Trust exercises are all well and good, but to address why a person should be better we need to first address how they were wronged. Pentious-"
"SHUT. UP." Vaggie whirled on me. "You are the LAST person I want to hear that from! This whole time, you've been off butchering Charlie's people, just like I did! Or worse, because you played judge and executioner without even the excuse of orders! And this whole time, you were here when she needed you!"
I straightened up. "Oh. You want to be careful, little one. This isn't a road you can come back from." My eyes began to glow solid gold.
"Everyone else might have forgotten, but I haven't. I know your legend, who your father was. And 'royal'? Way to take advantage that Charlie doesn't even know-"
I slammed my palm over her mouth. "Careful." My empty hand sparked with lightning, scoring blackened trails in the pavement of the rooftop.
"Merlin, stop!" Charlie tore Vaggie away from me. "Vaggie?"
"I'm supposed to protect you, to make your dreams come true. If I can't do this… then what's the point of me?"
I flinched, and the coming storm broke. "Don't."
They looked at me.
"Don't… reduce yourself to what you can do for people. Even if you love them. Especially if you love them." I closed my eyes for a moment. "It never ends well."
Vaggie looked at me, mouth slightly open.
"Vaggie, you do so much for me, and even if you didn't-" Charlie approached, hands out.
"I. I need to be alone. I'm sorry." She looked at Charlie, then me. "To both of you."
I exhaled. "Apology accepted."
Charlie just held her hands together, and a rumble heralded the group returning to the rooftop. "Come on guys. Let's go home."
We followed the rest as they walked down the stairs.
"Whew. Okay." Cain walked past, Niffty acting as a hat while Angel lounged across his shoulders. Pentious was wrapped around his torso and cradled in his arms. Husk followed on foot with a glance back at us.
I caught Charlie by the elbow before we hit the stairwell.
"We shouldn't-" she began, misinterpreting me.
"It's not about Vaggie. It's about me."
Charlie frowned.
"Walk with me."
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie looked out over Pentagram City, Merlin at her side. She still didn't really know who that was, aside from an angel. A top angel. One who decided her hotel could work. Who seemed to believe in her in a way that only Vaggie had, till now.
"I… my life wasn't easy. Obviously, I had one human parent, and one non-human. The legends call me a cambion. A child born of a demon and a human. But… that wasn't the exact case."
Charlie looked at Merlin. Gold eyes kept flicking to meet her, then away.
"My father is a devil. The Devil." Merlin folded his arms. "And I only knew him through his wife's faintest memories."
Charlie turned to fully face him, heart racing. "You mean…?"
"I mean Lucifer, your father, is our father. And my mother was a peasant. I can't recall her name, or even her face. I don't know how, or why, but I exist. It's probably why Lilith hated me enough to make herself my personal fury." Merlin visibly struggled to meet her gaze. "None of what I've told you has been a lie. I didn't think much of you, because I figured you had both your parents. I wasn't needed, and I had nowhere to go. No real home here. So I just… tried to make it better." He closed his eyes. "But now I see you might have needed me more than I thought."
Charlie frowned. "What do you mean?"
"What do I-" Merlin exhaled. "My eyes don't turn off Charlie. I'm a soothsayer, but it's because I can see. See abroad, see around, see through. That and my shapeshifting were the first gifts from our father to come. So I. I can see it. What you've been through. What everyone has been through. The only exception was Lilith, and I got the impression what came through was what she couldn't suppress."
Charlie stepped back. "That's…"
"Why my mother left." Merlin's eyes opened, fixed on her. "Like you're debating on doing now. Nobody likes having their secrets laid bare. Not that I have a choice in the matter." A tinge of bitterness.
Charlie straightened up. "And that's why you left Cain after your fight. Because you did something, and thought he'd leave. So why not leave first."
"...Cain's the only one to keep coming after me. For the longest time, he's been a rock. Someone solid." Merlin tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear, and his beard receded. It was a little creepy, but when it was gone her father's face looked back at her. Pale, with the red circles on his cheeks. He lacked the wide mouth and fangs, but otherwise… they were the same.
Slowly, Charlie stepped forward. "Merlin?"
"Everyone leaves, or turns on me. My mother. Arthur. Morgause had to go to Orkney, had to rule there because her husband was so weak. Morgan tried to keep in touch despite reigning in Avalon. Vivian was tied to her lake. I went to save her, but Lilith was waiting. And she killed me."
"Merlin-"
"And down here. So many people, Charlie. One thousand, seven hundred and fifty-nine exterminations. Each time I found someone who wasn't absolute garbage, they got cut down because they weren't the ruthless monsters. Or they were bound to Overlords who were, and they changed. And even the Overlords I could call friend- I can't trust them. Not really. Carmilla and Zestial are outliers, not the norm." Merlin's gaze fixed on her. "So many people I've cared for are gone. Your Hotel, it's all that's left. All that might help them. It's not like Lucifer cares. Not about them, or about us!" He threw down his arms, and stood tall.
Charle stepped forward, hand extended. "Ambrose?"
"You're the only one who's really different. Who can be kind, and strong enough to survive. You and Vaggie. Angel, Pentious - they're not the worst, but they also don't have what it takes to survive alone. Husk, Niffty - damaged, but not dangerous, not to most people. Alastor?" He snorted. "He'll do as he's told if he wants me to fulfill my end of the bargain."
Charlie reached for his shoulder, only for Merlin to jerk back. For her brother to jerk back.
Slowly, impossibly… a mournful tune began. Piano, violin - and scraping strings. Merlin was going to sing.
"Needles… and string… piece together our skins."
Everything went black, then inverted. A dense forest of grays, a small figure with glowing golden eyes.
"A stitch over here, and a stitch over there- wrapped up, our, rotten flesh."
A woman's figure walked along behind the child, flickering like mist.
"Then I felt the breeze, brushing behind my neck."
The air stirred, and the woman flickered faster.
"I felt the weather, and I felt on my shoulder - the tiny drops of rain."
Everything turned to a sheet of rain - not acid, but cold water, and Charlie looked around - only seeing the small, pale child with golden eyes. The trees were silhouettes, and the woman was almost invisible.
"By the time I reached for your hand, you were already gone."
The woman vanished, and the tiny Merlin Ambrosius stared at her with wide eyes. Bells rang in the distance.
"I let out a straaaange sound, weay waaaouh ah waaaouh - when it dawned on me I would never be unalone again!"
The child collapsed, sobbing - and before Charlie could grasp him, he dissolved into the rain.
"Looking for meaning in this series of fruitless events - so why am I here, oh why am I here, hey why am I here? Just silence."
Charlie, drenched, spun to see Merlin in his suit, staring at her with those same eyes.
"I wish you were here, I wish you were here - you would have been so proud of my achievements."
Suddenly- the inside of a castle. A round table behind Merlin, and men speaking over it.
"Letters, and words, paragraphs of inner worlds. A line over here, and a line over there - Crossed out the past, mem'ries in black."
Merlin, laughing with two women. Merlin, hugged by a man with a larger frame and a thick brown beard. Merlin giving a dour smile to a group of raucous men at a feast, brightening at the sight of who had to be his lover.
Then a bedroom, where Merlin stared at the man's bare back.
"Then I felt your shame, cutting into my chest. Felt your perversity, felt your barbarity - felt, the same, de-mons, in me."
Back to the forest. Violet eyes gazing at him there. On the road. In the tavern. Sometimes a silhouette. One Charlie knew.
She balled her hands into fists.
"Time and time, again I thought- if you never commented on how my body was so wrong-"
Her mother, whispering in the ear of Merlin's. This one was hazier- not a memory, but a theory?
"I would have loved it all alo-ong!"
Merlin, swiping with his staff and sending a cascade of trees that were swallowed in hellfire. Rain dousing the flames and her mother dodging bolts of lightning that scored the ground, a vicious- no, a proud smile on her face. Merlin's streaked with tears.
"My monstrosities are part of your nat'ral science!"
Her father's image, superimposed and hazy - through the eyes of Merlin's mother. Through Lilith's eyes, a proud king whose smile wavered at the edges even then.
"If there's no meaning in these ex-tra-ordinary events- then why am I here, oh why am I here, hey why am I here? I'm content."
The illusion dissolved, and Merlin's hands landed on Charlie's shoulders from behind.
"So thank you for all the heartaches I ex-per-i-enced. I've come to accept, I've come to accept, I've come to accept our judgements."
She looked up and followed his gaze- to the palace.
"Our human thoughts, our human faults, our human flaws-" He reached out, stepping away towards that monument to her parents.
And he snarled, eyes shutting against some old pain as tears squeezed out.
"Because you were never my god."
Charlie threw herself at his back as the piano keys struck, a mournful chime in her ears. She wrapped her arms around Merlin's body, and buried her face in his spine.
"...sorry. I don't know what came over me." Merlin dropped his arms. "We should head back. Most everyone else kind of knew, so I knew I would need to tell you before someone else did. Cain's idea. And then Odette outed me this morning." He straightened himself, and briskly wiped his eyes.
Charlie didn't let go. "...you know. Maybe you needed me too." She looked up.
Merlin peered over his shoulder. "Don't you have your own problems to deal with?" he muttered. He didn't push her away.
Charlie smiled. "Guess we're kinda alike that way, huh."
He blinked rapidly, then closed his eyes. He exhaled with a smile. "Guess so." His eyes opened, and the smile softened.
Charlie stepped back. "Oh, and - leave the beard off. You look better this way." She smirked.
Merlin turned to face her. "As the princess commands," he replied sardonically.
Charlie gave a faux haughty sniff and turned her head. "And don't you forget it."
"Ha." Charlie opened her eye to see his small grin.
She reached her hand out once more. "Let's go home, Merlin."
He took it.
"Hah! I have a brother!" Charlie began to tug him along, her excitement clearing the lingering gloom in her heart and the area around alike.
"I'm sorry, Vaggie. I put a lot on you, and-" Charlie looked to me.
"It's good to step outside your comfort zone, for yourself or others. But don't expect perfection on a first try. I've certainly failed more than once." I gave them a droll smile.
Vaggie nodded thoughtfully, then we all looked down. "Huh. Well whaddya know." She smiled.
"-you did good, kid." Husk pat Pentious on the shoulder.
"I- oh well I guess I did get in a bit of the old tussle today, didn't I?" Sir Pentious perked up. "And Cain was astounding! He stopped those rapscallions in their tracks without breaking a single bone!"
"Yeah, the big guy came through." Angel flashed him a smile. "Niff too, surprisingly."
"Stab stab stab" the gremlin chanted, staring at the now-stained thorn in her grip. Cain gently plucked it from her and gave her a flower. "Ooooh. Pretty! I'll put it in a vase." And she scrambled off.
Cain scratched his belly. "You guys coulda done it on your own, but uhh. I get attached easy. No shitlords get to put their mitts - or firebombs - on my friends." He gave a bashful look. "Least, I hope we're friends."
"Buddy, if any man did half of what you did down there for me I'd tie myself to his bed for a month." Angel shook a finger at Cain. Then he smirked. "We're friends."
"Cool. But uh, as good as you probably are at your job-"
"Very."
"My boyfriend's a protean shapeshifter. Am's given himself all kinds of bits and limbs to play with."
I felt heat go up my neck. "Oh no."
Husk's eyes went wide. "Uh-"
"So echidnas- they have four dicks. I couldn't walk the next day! Oh, or the one where he swapped to hyena gear for a pussy and a giant clit!"
Vaggie looked at me in horror.
Charlie rubbed her face. "You'll be glad to know I am mostly immune to this. My parents weren't quiet, and Dad apparently has the same powers. Even so- yikes."
Husk let out a quiet yowl and made a beeline for the forget juice at the bar. Pentious slithered along behind him at speed.
Angel's gaze swung to me, eyes wide with envy and no small amount of lust. "So uh, you boys do threesomes?" he called.
I gripped my cane until it creaked, my knuckles white. "Cain. One more word and I'm blueballing you tonight."
Cain stuffed his knuckles into his mouth and bit, eyes darting to and fro.
Of course, that's when Alastor walked in. "Another successful day?" he asked, Egg Boiz in tow.
"Kept them alive, huh?" Vaggie asked, glad for the distraction.
"Oh, the little monsters have their uses." Alastor grinned.
Carmilla Carmine knows how to kill angels - and has done so. More than this Hotel, that must be what spurred them to action. Now as for the how, it must be replicable - after all, for all her power she lacks anything particularly unique.
I blinked at the thought. Well. Called that. Not that Carmilla did it, but still.
"Well Pentious, I guess I can trust you with the minions after all. But no war machines." Vaggie crossed her arms.
"Eggies! Welcome back!" Pentious threw out his arms as the little eggs swarmed him.
"Hey boss!" "Good to be back, boss!"
"NOW GO CLEAN MY QUARTERS THIS INSTANT!" Pentious shrieked, and the Eggs cheerfully followed his pointer finger.
I let out a long exhale. "What a day." I rubbed my forehead.
"Yeah. But hey, everyone but Alastor likes each other and I got a brother out of it!" Charlie flashed a thumbs up.
Vaggie blinked. Looked at me. Noticed the lack of beard. "Holy shit you told her."
"I was planning on it regardless." I sniffed. "...wonder how Odette put my flashbang rune to use."
____________________________________________________________________________
Velvette kept the sleep mask on, scowling as she sipped her cosmo.
"Aww. Rough meeting, princesa?" Valentino jeered in a croon.
"Valentino. I have had my retinas torched and bloody glurge-pop funneled into my earholes for the temerity of crossing Carmilla Carmine. Today is not the day, love."
"Leave her be, Val. It sounds like our mystery friend from the Hotel might be more than cut-rate garbage if he can make things capable of doing that to one of us." Vox examined the footage from one of his drones hovering outside the building itself. "Huh. Without the beard, he's a dead ringer for Lucifer. Taller, but still."
"Hmm. Wonder if I could get him to star in a video. Everyone wants a piece of the king, but a stunt dick would do wonders for our pockets." Val sashayed over to Vox. "Set him up for a few rounds with Angel Dust, then let my boys have him."
The footage showed beams and glass twirl through the air, forming a structure to the side of the Hotel.
"The fuck is that!?" Val squawked, jerking back.
The stranger waved his hands, and the addition came together.
"Looks like a greenhouse. He does plants?" Vox zoomed in, and- "Wait. That guy's come and gone from Good Succ." He pointed at a big round sinner in plaid with a sunhat. "He's no joke either. What the fuck is going on in there?"
The giant hugged the Lucifer-copy, and planted the kind of kiss Val would give him right there in the open.
"Well he likes bears. That's nice I guess. Eh." Val shrugged, tapping his pipe.
The giant looked up-
And a spray of vines snatched every drone out of the sky.
The two Vees not debilitated watched in silence as every screen went to gray static.
"...Alastor's not the biggest fuck there anymore. Lucifer knock-off has at least some of maybe-daddy's power, and that guy probably made the forest." Vox stood up, blood dribbling down his screen from his mouth. "Well shit." He twitched.
"Vox. The fuck's name is Ambrose, and he's the reason we're not seeing Springtime for Hitler down here. We are not antagonizing him at any cost. He tossed a coin between icing me or Ronald Reagan, and decided to add a tally for his ex-presidents. The fucker is slippery as shit, and held in good regard by Carmine and Zestial." Velvette didn't move, but Vox heard the strain in her voice.
"Mm. Well, if nothing else we can reach out. See if he's willing to play ball."
"No. We don't want his attention. At all. People who get his attention either flourish or die. No inbetween. He's hitched himself to the princess, and if that fucking Radio Demon is still breathing then he's picked a favorite. We cannot afford a fight with him."
Vox stilled at the naked fear in those words.
Val hummed. "Might not be a bad idea to let him do what he does and keep an eye out, amorcito. Be prepared in case he decides to take a swing." His hesitation spoke to Vox almost as much as Velvette's fear. Velvette didn't respect anyone, didn't fear anything. That this guy had her on the back foot? Even Val could tell he might be someone not to take unprepared.
Vox slowly sank down into his chair, staring at the blank screens. "Yeah." He frowned, leaning his wide chin on a fist. "Might not be a bad idea at all."
A/N: I managed to bang out Chapter 6 despite having a Rock and Gem Show to work at this weekend for my dad.
This chapter is brought once again by my questionable musical taste (I used a RWBY Insert Song by Casey Lee Williams/OK Goodnight). Did I use Guide My Way (aka Ruby questioning her absent mother aka Red Like Roses III) as a bonding song for father and child? Yes, Yes I did. I only have a little shame about it.
I think there's nothing needing a content warning, but if there is let me know and I'll edit the note.
______________________________________________________
"I'll admit, I wasn't sure you'd go through with telling her!" Alastor loomed over Merlin's shoulder, smile firmly in place. "What with all the baggage your heritage brought you, of course."
Charlie cleared her throat. "So! We have five months until the next extermination day, and…" She gathered herself. "And I've decided, as thanks for your hard work, to have a day off!"
Angel gave her a flat look. "Whee."
"Of course, if you need something to do, you can relax in the greenhouse." Merlin gave Angel a smirk. "It might provide a few excuses to avoid other engagements."
This seemed to be the right answer, from how Angel relaxed. "Ehh. It's pretty, I guess."
They'd met in the new greenhouse, and Cain had wasted no time in making it his own. Sturdy trees marked each corner, laden with fruit. Bushes lined the outside, heavy with berries of many kinds. Flowers sprung up and demarcated paths around bare soil, and in the center was a fountain of all things. Next to it was a small table with chairs around it to sit and enjoy the atmosphere. In the back was what looked to be a small shed with a shovel and hoe leaning against it.
Alastor gave Merlin a thoughtful squint, then shrugged.
"I believe I will take advantage to work on my inventionsss," Pentious said with an upright index finger, eyes proudly shut.
"No war machines."
"Ugh. I wasss thinking of making improved cooking appliancesss. For the good of the Hotel." Sir Pentious leveled an unimpressed glare at Vaggie. "Though I could amplify our defenssess- after all, none of us are without enemiesss."
"Ha! How adorably naive. Anyone that sets themself against the hotel has to deal with me, Cain, and last but not least - Merlin Ambrosius. Any one of us should give pause, but under one roof?" Alastor curled his claws into a fist. "Only the suicidal would dare." Feedback spiked harshly in the air, noise sparking against Charlie's ears.
Well. At least Alastor seemed happy. Maybe.
"In all fairness, I've kept a low profile and Cain's been absent from Hell politics for eight millennium. You've got a reputation, but the seven year lull and Vox's whisper campaign haven't done you favors." Merlin inspected his nails through his gloves. "A cannon or two, pointed outwards and approved by Vaggie wouldn't go amiss."
Vaggie rubbed her chin. "That's… not the worst idea."
Pentious perked up with a childish grin.
"Hm. Well, a warning shot or three to dissuade those with survival instincts wouldn't be too boring. And if they keep coming, I get brunch!" Alastor perked up.
Cain looked distinctly uncomfortable. "Whatever floats your boat, bud."
"Corpses. Corpses 'float my boat', my jolly green gentleman."
Cain gave Charlie a plaintive look.
"Not that I don't like an excuse to day drink-"
"You day drink anyways, Husk." Vaggie folded her arms and glared.
Husk gave an offended 'mrp'. "Like I was sayin', I like a day off as much as the next guy. What's the real occasion?"
Charlie smiled. "I'm taking Vaggie, Cain, and Merlin to meet my dad!"
The clatter of Merlin's cane hitting the floor was all that broke the silence.
Cain shrugged, unbothered. Vaggie twitched, trying to smile.
"Why?" Merlin's eyes were wide, pupils pinpricks.
"Well… we made a lot of progress, and I think if we want to leverage your power - really leverage it - we need to make sure he's aware you exist! And as a friend- no, as family." Charlie nodded.
"And unlike Charlie you'd be more than happy to put your royal authority into action." Vaggie gave Merlin a considering look. "Not that it's a bad thing you don't," she hurriedly continued to Charlie. "I actually really love that about you, it's just- you could stand to be a little more… commanding of respect?"
"But it's so meannnnn." Charlie slumped.
Vaggie exhaled. "Sometimes you need to be… aggressively kind to get things done."
"Really? Am just gets 'aggressive' and seems to work for him." Cain shrugged. "And honestly, the more you're used to your powers the easier it is to not hurt people with 'em. Took me forever until I could just restrain people with my vines. Didn't do it until I stopped crushing rocks, so you know. Practice."
Merlin nodded. "Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves, Charlie. If I was 'nice' to every tyrant, dictator, and political malcontent that decided it was open season on the minority du jour then forget overpopulation. Pride would be flat-out unlivable."
"But back to the matter at hand: an introduction to Lucifer. Are you sure, Charlie? Merlin is quite strong, but what if your father supported your mother's efforts?" Alastor leered.
Charlie looked at him with a frown. "Then he'll have to deal with me."
"And your 'aggressive kindness'?" Alastor's saccharine tone indicated just what he thought of that.
"No. If he tries to hurt Merlin, I'll take his cane and bop him a good one!" Charlie punched her palm. "But seriously- I don't think he knows anything. He keeps to himself a lot, and Mom was mostly the one with me."
Merlin's eyes flickered shiftily.
"What." Charlie planted her hands on her hips.
"Just… well. You're what, two-three hundred? And they've been an item since Eden?"
Cain made a small 'o' of comprehension. "Damn. That sucks."
Vaggie and Charlie looked at each other. "What do you mean?"
"Sometimes when a marriage is… on the outs… the participants will try to make, er. A reason to stay." Merlin gave a pained smile. "Theoretically."
Charlie folded her arms. "That's not what happened."
"It is food for thought, however." Alastor grinned, scratching his chin idly.
Angel, Pentious, Niffty and Husk were long gone by then.
"I THINK that this line of thought doesn't do any of us any good." Vaggie stepped in. "Babe, is your dad expecting us?"
"Should be. I texted him an hour ago." Charlie shrugged. "Al, you stay out of trouble."
"Hmm." He looked unimpressed with the demand.
"At least don't make trouble for me or the Hotel." Charlie gave him a stern glare.
Alastor blinked, then his smile widened. "Well that's a lot simpler! I do have a list of errands to catch up on. Why, I'm nearly a decade behind on my broadcasts! Not to worry Charlie, I shall be the soul of discretion. For you two." His eyes turned to Merlin and gave a little squint. "Have a wonderful time with the family reunion! I'm sure it'll be a scream."
With a sound of shrieking feedback, his outline collapsed into shadows and vanished.
"Am, where did you find this sketchy motherfucker?" Cain gave her brother a look of concern.
"Louisiana." Merlin's eyelid twitched viciously.
"In our case, he found us." Vaggie gave Charlie a sideways look. "And once we started feeding him, he wouldn't leave. Like a feral cat in a bespoke suit."
"But he's a fucking deer?"
Merlin gently pat Cain's arm. "Remind me to tell you about the deer that eat chicks out of their nests sometimes."
"The. What?" Vaggie stared at Merlin in horror.
"Free protein."
"OKAY NEAT LET'S GO SEE DAD." Charlie grabbed Merlin and Vaggie by the wrists and began to high-step it to the limo out front. "CAIN!"
"Bringin' up the rear, boss lady!"
____________________________________________________________________________
Red. Lots and lots of red. Hell's color motif, really. I shouldn't have been surprised.
"Hahaha I'm suuure I texted him ten hours ago!" Charlie looked at me with a rictus grin. "See!?" She held up her phone.
Read: 9:42 A.M.
"Char, maybe this isn't a good idea," Vaggie whispered softly. She glanced around.
I cracked my knuckles. "I can get his attention." I looked around, taking note of the. Many. Many. Ducks. Little yellow ducks. Like for bathtime. Not necessarily rubber, because some were ceramic. And other materials.
So many hats.
"Y- our father has a duck addiction. This goes past special interest. I have an interest in books and storytelling; this is one bad day away from an episode of Hoarders," I hissed to Charlie.
Charlie shrugged with a sheepish smile. "Quack?"
"He sure is," I muttered. I flexed my hands, drawing on the wealth of creative energy inside me. Ever since I died, my mortal limitations fell - leaving me a full seraph, son of the Morningstar. With all that entailed.
A fleet of waist-high ducks in plaid kilts with tammy hats sprouted from the floor in the foyer. I sketched a glowing golden line across the room. "Stay back."
Then I gave them bagpipes.
I held up three fingers.
Charlie slowly looked from the duck-pipers to me with horror.
Two.
Vaggie turned Charlie to her and placed her face into her shoulder.
One.
Cain covered his eyes and gave a thumb up.
"Now we shall try to communicate!" I cheered. And unleashed, well. Hell!
Bagpipes can be rather good if played with skill! I decidedly avoided using any.
I used the foot of my cane as a conductor's baton as the ducks rocked back and forth. Dust shook from the rafters, the very foundations of the palace quaking with quack-chestral might.
A pillar of white flame erupted from a door in the back of the room. "WHAT IN THE UNHOLY HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?" a tenor bellowed in outrage. And anguish.
I quieted the ducks and looked up.
The flames receded to reveal a… surprisingly short version of myself clad in red and white. He blinked at us owlishly, fanged mouth slightly open. On his head, he wore a top hat encircled by a golden snake cradling a crimson apple.
"Answer your daughter's fucking texts!" I snapped, pointing at him from across the foyer.
"Who?" He tilted his head at me.
"Um. Hi, Dad?" Charlie waved nervously from next to me.
That got his attention. It was like clouds parting to reveal the sun. "Charlie! You, you're here!" In a blur, he shot across the room and wrapped her in a tight hug. "It's so good to SEE YOU!" His smile was nearly as big as his poorly hidden eye-bags. The makeup was nearly the same color, but at this distance I could see the texture.
How many months? She never reaches out first! Oh, is she mad I asked her to handle Adam? Uhhh she likes… shit. Too old for 'princess' stuff. No, wait, don't borrow trouble. She never visits, enjoy it while it lasts! Uh, how to people. Connections? Sure! Wait, who are-
I blinked.
…peering through keyholes, are we? And my insight slammed shut.
"So Charlie! Who's your friend?" Lucifer gave me a pointed grin, eye twitching.
"Your bastard as of eighteen hundred years ago. Pay your damn child support." I scowled down.
That got a flicker. My mother (had to be), loneliness, bolts of pleasure and regret. A plea. 'Look out for him? Sera… she said if I went back-'
I stepped backwards. "Who the fuck is Sera?"
Lucifer stared at me. "Why. What. What?" He turned to Charlie. "Charlie, how did you meet him? He's supposed to be in Heaven!" He turned to me, hands on his hips. "Why are you down here, young man!?"
I bristled, but Cain put an arm around me. "He's been here a while, sir." He took his hat off and put it over his chest.
"Cain? Buddy! I never see you outside 'Please Go Away'! We don't use the other name here, don't worry." Lucifer blinked. Visibly processed. "How long is a while?"
Charlie turned to me, waving her hands frantically.
"...yes." I glared at her.
Vaggie looked absolutely terrified. Poor girl.
"So uh, who is this? Just so I get a better picture of what's going on." Lucifer gave Vaggie a smile, relaxing into a more lackadaisical posture.
"This is my girlfriend Vaggie!" Charlie smiled, gesturing to the former exorcist.
"Gir- Girlfriend? Oh, you like girls!"
Hrm.
"Me too! We have so much in common, haha! Put 'er there, Maggie!" Lucifer wrapped her in a bear hug. He raised a hand over her head, where her halo would be, and flinched away. "Haha, so pretty!" His grin turned awkward, then pitying, then receded to a smile.
"Oh, ha, haha, nice to meet you?" Vaggie was embarrassed, but clearly less frightened. Okay, not a disaster. Maybe.
"Soooo I wanted you and Merlin to meet because he's helping with my Hotel!" Charlie clapped her hands together. "And well, he is family."
"Yyyes, of course. He sure is, aha." Lucifer glanced at me, then back to Charlie. "So, you er. You're aware your mother and I had an open relationship, right? Maybe?"
Charlie shrugged. "Not really, but that does make things a little less awkward. What with-" And she waved at me.
I raised an eyebrow. "Merlin Ambrosius. Soothsayer, shapeshifter, kingmaker, magus, devil's bastard."
Lucifer flinched. "Ahahaha! Wow, you sure don't mince words! Uh, you gonna turn those peepers to normal kiddo?" He gave a tense grin.
"Can't. Even if I could, I wouldn't. Saved my ass too much up topside, and even more down here." I folded my arms and rubbed my thumb against a crystal on my cane.
Lucifer blinked. "Huh? I mean, every one of us can. It's mostly for seraphim to use to weigh the truth in a soul, but we- well, we when I was- anyway, you don't have 'em on in company casually. Wouldn't… well." He sighed. "I asked your mother to look after him. I… needed a minute away, and well. Happy accidents, am I right?" He gave me a more wan smile. "Apparently you really did well for yourself up there, up to the end."
I tensed. "Did I now." Lightning sparked up my arms.
"Merlin-" Charlie moved towards me.
"This was a mistake, Charlie. He doesn't know anything, or if he does he's hidden it." My voice was clipped. This wasn't the proud fallen angel, this was a man who had been stripped of nearly every reason to even live. Charlie was it. My gaze couldn't penetrate him, but the veritable ocean of ducks stank of depression and grief. I plucked the threads from the palace and followed them.
"Know anything about what?" Lucifer blinked, posture straightening. He was shorter than any of us, but something stirred that had me on edge.
"Your wife's involvement in my life was hardly as rosy as conveyed." I tilted my head.
"I mean, Lil can be a little controlling, but if you talk her down-"
"She tries to kill you?"
He stopped moving.
"Merlin, please." Charlie put a hand on my arm. "If he doesn't know, he doesn't know."
"What are you saying?" Lucifer stared at me.
"Seraphim have eyes that see truth, right? Look at me. Find out." I folded my arms. "I have nothing to hide."
"This is a bad idea-" Vaggie began, but Cain held a hand up.
"Nah. I think it might just be the thing we need to get the whole picture. Or close to it." He looked at Lucifer. "Sir? We're workin' off different fuckin' stories. You got one angle, and he has the other."
Lucifer blinked slowly at Cain. "You'd know all about that, huh." He gave a mirthless smile. "Me too." He frowned a little. And his eyes flashed gold.
I felt… naked. His gaze scoured down to my organs, my bones, every cell of me. Every drop of blood and plasma unraveled in his sight, exposing everything I'd never dared give voice to.
His eyes faded, and I slumped into Cain's side, feeling raw.
"Yeah… that's why seraphim learn to guard against that stuff, just in case. I taught Lilith too." Lucifer rubbed his face. "...never thought she'd use it."
"Dad, I'm really sorry-"
"No. No Charlie, I'm sorry." He looked at her morosely. "I never realized how badly I did by both of you."
She stilled. "Dad?"
He gave a sad smile. "When we use our eyes like that, we see everything. Your brother's got quite the range on him, might even be better than my brother's. So I saw what he put together about you, his view of you."
I let out a sharp breath. "So."
Lucifer looked at me, shoulders slumped. "...you've been here for over seventeen hundred years." His voice was faint. "And never once did you feel safe enough to come home."
I opened my mouth-
"Because it wasn't. Because the person I love lied to me." He gripped his hands together. "Sera is the head Seraphim of Heaven, right below the Elders. From what I heard, they retired and now my siblings replaced them. She said in no uncertain terms that if I went to Earth again, there would be consequences for Hell, for me- and for Lilith. I thought I was clever, sending Lilith to look after you when she could."
"But Dad- why would she hate him that much?" Charlie asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"I don't know. He doesn't, and I didn't, so that's still hidden. But Lilith… it doesn't make sense." Lucifer sighed. "Merlin, son. I truly am-"
I scattered into petals, ignoring Cain's yelp of surprise. I couldn't take anymore.
I ran.
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie turned to Lucifer, eyes wide.
"Well shit. Guess I gotta go find him again." Cain rolled his shoulders.
"Again?" Vaggie parroted, eye narrow.
"It's like this. Things are good for a while. He fucks up, like everyone does. Thinks it's the end of the world and splits." Cain cracked his neck. "And it's up to me to remind him that it ain't."
"But he didn't." Lucifer stuffed his hands into his pockets, expression clear.
"Nah. He came here ready for a fight, and even before you showed up he came out swingin'. The ducks?" Cain pointed at the pseudo-Scottish abominations in question. "Am's an asshole. He means well, great guy to have on your side. Loyal and loving as shit. But he's still an asshole. You don't raise yourself in the woods off what you peep in the souls of random villagers and come out nice or normal."
Lucifer blinked a few times, then gave a rueful chuckle. "Yeah, that's what I'd do too. Well damn." He smiled. "But still! He gave Lil a hell of a run for her money. If she didn't blindside him at the end, things would have gone way different. And that was before he was a seraph." He frowned a little. "But look, uh. Are you and he… you know?"
Cain raised an eyebrow.
"Together? Like I'm getting the vibe but-"
"Dude, we fuck like at least every other night. Dunno if romance is dead or not, but the attraction sure as shit ain't." Cain gave a lopsided grin.
Charlie let out a wheeze like a dying squirrel, deflating into Vaggie's side. Her girlfriend gently rubbed her back.
"Yeaaah you're your daddy's boy. Mine takes after me too," Lucifer muttered.
"Huh?" Charlie blinked.
"What?" Vaggie squinted.
"Oh shit," Cain whispered.
Lucifer gave a shit-eating grin and aimed finger guns at the three of them. "Eden Home Run, baby! Anyways, going to go track down my kid and give this 'being an actual father' thing a shot." He paused. "And after that- we'll talk about the Hotel." His grin turned crooked but more genuine.
"Dad…" Charlie's eyes widened.
"It wouldn't be your fault if it didn't go through, is all I'm saying," Lucifer said with a wave of his hand.
Cain stepped forward-
"Ah, ah. Me first. If I fuck it up, we need you in reserve." Lucifer chuckled. "Me, fuck up. Ha! There's a laugh." He vanished in a flow of red-gold mist.
Charlie looked at Cain.
The huge farmer sighed. "He's got a point." Then he looked disturbed. "Holy fucking shitballs, our dads fucked."
"Uh. Did anyone else catch the 'Home Run' part of that?" Vaggie asked.
Cain's eyes bugged. "Did all our parents bump uglies!?"
Charlie crumpled. "Vaggie. Take me to the fainting couch."
"Which one-"
"Any of them can be a fainting couch when you pass out on it."
Razzle, quiet up to this point, bleated in sympathy. Could have been Dazzle. EIther way.
____________________________________________________________________________
I sat on the roof of the palace. I just… needed time to process. I'd go back before they left.
So. This entire time, I could have blown this wide open. Or not. Lilith was a consummate liar, there's no way she wouldn't have kept Lucifer and Charlie on her side. If I provoked him into-
"Yeesh. You're brooding so loud I can practically hear it." Light footsteps echoed across the rooftop.
I hunched over, holding my knees.
"Cain thinks you bolted because. Well, because." Lucifer sat next to me. "Apparently bugging out when mistakes are made is a thing. Which I might have some experience with." He scratched his throat, but I didn't look at his face.
"...what do you want."
"You- okay, you got dealt a bad hand and I am not saying you didn't, but you lucked out with Cain. And Charlie's like- it's honestly a miracle she hasn't given up on me yet. But that might be closer than I thought." Lucifer draped his legs over the side. "Wow. From up here, you can almost ignore all the sin."
"And the pain." I looked down there myself.
"...and the pain. I really don't know how you can keep feeling for them, kiddo. Really don't. I gave up thousands of years ago." Lucifer made to reach towards me, then stopped. Put his hand on his knee. "It's like, over and over and over again. Even the ones who aren't so bad change."
"It's a crab bucket. They never had a chance. No one was there to give them one. Charlie's the first, but her voice isn't loud enough to reach over what Lilith built."
"Crab- oh. Because if someone tries to be better, they get hauled down into the shit again." He made to say something else, then stopped. Then he hummed. "Yeah. You think the Hotel can be that chance?"
"...you saw Cain's feet, right? How plants just grow under him?"
"Now that you mention it…"
"He's close. So close. I think the only thing missing is a way to forgive himself." I looked out over Pentagram. "And he's not the only one. Guilt is as much a tether here as actual wrongdoing. I think redemption is as much 'letting go' as 'atonement'. Or at least learning to live with what was done."
"Hmm. To and by, huh." Of course he'd get it. He saw right into me. "It's… hard to think of them as victims. Not when I hear the screaming and laughter every time I go past the gate."
"Charlie sees all of them as deserving to be saved." I sat up, let my legs dangle next to Lucifer's.
"You disagree." Wry amusement colored his voice.
"There will always be people who made choices that are irrevocable. Tyrants, rulers, those who clenched their fist and ruined thousands on millions of lives. Not by accident, or in ignorance. In an informed choice to obliterate happiness and safety. There will always be those who have demons so strong they can't be saved, and they turn their dark desires on their friends and neighbors. Sometimes their families." I watched the lights of the city glimmer. "...sometimes, I would find a place so high, so out of reach, and wonder- what if I just… ended it. Took to the air, and called down thunder and light. It's angelic. It would be forever. I'd just… wipe the Pentagram clean. Start from scratch. Hand pick sinners that I could salvage, and keep any more Overlords from rising."
"Can't see Charlie liking that." I looked at Lucifer. He kept looking outwards, idly kicking his feet. "But it would be a hell of a way to spite her mother."
"It's why I didn't. Because if I used them as chips in my fight against your wife, I'd be no better than her. No better than when she whispered poison to my caretaker, or to Agravain to reveal Gwen and Lancelot's… thing. Arthur knew, you know? They were moving towards being a triad, but it became public. Became a scandal, and his hands were tied." I smiled. "Oh, I was bitter when I found out. That I wasn't enough to keep on, even as a secret. Then I was horrified at everything that came of it. And then when I heard Vivian was in danger, I abandoned all of them to go- and now here I am."
"You seem to have an easier time being close to Cain and Charlie than all of those people. Except Vivian and the girls." Lucifer kept watching the lights. Didn't comment on what had to be true, what I knew to be true.
"I've never been human. Morgan was a witch from a very young age, and Morgause was always so reasonable. Vivian may well be alive, as a faerie. Cain's always been a precursor, and Charlie - she's practically the seven virtues personified. I only caught glimpses of Adam, but on a superficial level they're opposites."
"Yeaaah. They'd have got on great in Eden, or a little after. Heck, maybe she could have talked him out of the Exterminations way back when." Lucifer shook his head. "...I never thought of her being born to save our marriage. Not with… well. If you knew what I know? She's a miracle."
"I'm sorry." To my surprise, I was. This man… wasn't the conniving huckster who begot the original sin. Or maybe he was. "So… I have to ask."
"The apple?" He gave me a sideways look and a smirk.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Why else? Lilith came with her rebellious spirit, her insight and ingenuity. I wanted all of my friends together. I wanted to help. It was her idea, and I couldn't see the harm until it was too late." He exhaled. "To her credit, she didn't see it either. Eve and Adam changed, but the monster we unleashed in the process… it dwarfed us all. There was a war, a terrible war- and after? Adam and Eve were cast into the world, and Lilith and I descended to Hell. Eve has to be in Heaven - I looked everywhere for her here. Abel, too. Cain… him I did what I could."
"Because you knew what it was like to be blamed so deeply for a mistake that the punishment surpassed the crime, even when you already hated yourself."
"Oof. Still no mincing words." Lucifer lightly bumped my shoulder. "But yeah. He's a good guy. Everyone needs someone to keep them anchored." He sighed. "I thought Lilith was that for me. And she was. But maybe I drifted too far in the clouds." He looked up at the faint light of Heaven, so far away.
I looked away.
"So. Instead of the triumphant king of Hell, you found your sister's goofy depressed probably-divorced dad. Disappointed?" Lucifer's voice was teasing, but there was… an edge there.
"I don't know. There's still a lot that-" I closed my mouth. "Even after all these years… I feel lost. Like no matter what I do, it's just not good enough." I looked at him.
He stared back, eyes wide.
"How long do I have to fake it until I'm there? Until I can put together everything I see and make it work?"
"Merlin?"
I reached out to Heaven with my hand, high above.
"Saw you in a dream. Are you who you seem?"
A flicker of what I saw when I first met Lilith. You've got precious blood in your veins. Take care not to spill it, child.
"Was it always in the cards for me to be aimless? No direction - nothing pulling me down from the sky."
Two silhouettes - me hanging on the edge of the knights. And… Lucifer, creating light and beauty on the edge of the angels. The illusion spun, and gained clarity as Lucifer waved a hand at it.
"It seems like I always get too high. Oh, the air is cold, I don't know how to breathe. I'm begging can you-"
Lucifer looked down at me, and offered a hand.
"Guide. My. Way. Out. Of this place?" I took it, and he pulled me up.
I walked away a few paces, dragging mist with my fingers. Turned around, and braced myself.
"Open wide! You were born to hypnotize them all!"
Lucifer flying amongst the angels, the first humans, trailing starlight. Me, giving prophecy and miracle alike to the people of Camelot. Arthur gazing at me in awe, and Adam and Lilith… to Lucifer.
"They said their prayers. Can you, can you hear me up there?"
Lucifer swung a hand towards me. "What survives? After all the dust is gone, were you there 'till the end?"
Camlann, a field of blades and bodies - so many precious once upon a time. Eden, a wreck and ruin of rotten roots with angelic and animal corpses.
"Were you at least called a friend?" he pitched at me, Adam looking away from him as Arthur faded in Bedivere's arms.
"Otherside!" I snapped back, gesturing at Lucifer. "Did you mean to make me half or whole? Will I ever be - complete? When will I become all of me!?"
"I'll guide your way out of this place-!"
"I can't define!" I stepped back towards the ledge. "Would it even be enough to change my mind? These memories at ever lasting war with my foolish pride! What is left?"
Lucifer - my father - grabbed my hand, and pulled me closer, away from the edge. "I know- it's you and I when I look inside! You'll be who I was and you'll be even more!"
I blinked, staring at him as he visibly struggled for words.
"A moment of quiet is all it takes, to reclaim a life and a promise made." Lilith in the distance, watching us. I couldn't make out her expression even as she dissolved into crimson. "You are the reflection of who prevails." Images, people discussing me, in awe of me even today. "You're what inspired the fairytale." Dad grinned.
"A moment of quiet is all it takes, to reclaim a life and a promise made. I am the reflection of who prevails." I squeezed his hand in mine. "I'm what inspired the fairytale- I'm what inspired the fairytale."
And we launched skyward, our wings unfolding at our backs, hand in hand. Spinning, light unfurling through the air. Healthy roots, strong branches, green leaves - all grew from around the palace to form a new canopy at our feet. Flowers of all colors hung in the branches, petals scattering to the wind around us.
"Guide my way out-"
"I'll guide you! I'll guide your way out!" Dad pulled me into a fierce hug, even as we began to plummet back to the roof.
"Guide my way out of this plaaaaaace."
We landed softly on a bed of new-grown grass, and let go.
Lu- Dad let out a rough sigh. "Whew! Definitely more hardcore than one of Charlie's. Or even Lil's!" He grinned at me again. "But I feel better. You?"
I smiled a little. "Some. It's… this is going to take work."
"Tell me about it. I still have to unpack- well, Charlie. And you. And all of it." He rubbed his arms before flipping out a cane topped with an apple. "But I'll try to be better. For both of you. No. I will be better." He gave a firm nod, planting his cane on the ground. He gave me a considering look.
"...what?" I folded my arms.
"Sooo. You're into guys?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah?" I hesitated. I wasn't sure what his stance on it would be, but-
"ME TOO! We have so much in common!" He swept me into a bear hug, and ended up knocking off his hat.
The laugh was startled out of me as my arms reflexively wrapped around him. "Just one more thing, huh?" I rested my cheek on his head.
"Haha, yep!" He stepped back, still holding my shoulders. He smiled. "I'm looking forward to getting to know you, kid. So much."
"Same, Dad. Same."
He beamed.
Then the door slammed open on the other side of the rooftop.
"Holy shit, that's a lot of tree and not my fault!" Cain boomed.
"Please tell me there wasn't a fight." Vaggie pushed my boyfriend to the side and stalked out. She hadn't pulled the spear out yet, but I could tell it was close.
"Um, no? Just father-son bonding! We even sang!" Lucifer folded his arms, scowling at the two of them.
"It was all very touching," I drawled, mimicking his posture. He grinned at me.
"Holy shit there's two of them." Cain stared at us.
"Oooh I had a nightmare…" Charlie wobbled out of the stairwell. Looked around. Saw the tree. Saw Cain and Vaggie. Saw me and Dad. "Oh good, you're getting along now. Great. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with Husk."
"Who?"
"Bartender."
Dad perked up. "I have booze! And food! Oh, who wants pancakes?"
Charlie paused.
"C'moooon, one night won't be the end of the world," Dad cajoled. "You can catch me up on the Hotel! See if there's anything I can offer this guy hasn't done yet!" He slapped me cheerfully on the back.
"To be fair, I wasn't sure if you wanted me dead so I haven't done much yet." I shrugged. "Now that I know otherwise I plan to drag Cain into fully overhauling the structure. Maybe orbital bomb Vee tower if I'm bored in the afternoon."
Charlie pointed at me. "Yes to the first, no to the second."
"Even if I can get rid of 'snuff-films-r-us'?" I pouted.
"You'd still hurt all their employees and the people contracted to them!" Charlie's pointer finger went up.
"Ah, but if he just took out the Vees it'd be okay?" Dad leaned in, bouncing his eyebrows.
"Sir, please don't enable him. He doesn't need it." Cain held up his hands with a flat look. "He almost had I.M.P. take out Kissinger so he could clear up his schedule early."
"Who? And isn't Kissinger alive?"
"For now…" I hissed.
"Eh, he'll be down here soon enough buddy. We can use him as a kickball!" Dad grinned. "Or squish him down so we can shoot hoops together! Father-Son stuff!"
"Dad no." Charlie looked mortified.
"Dad yes." I grinned at him.
"I TOLD YOU! TWO OF THEM!" Cain yelled, pointing at us.
Dad clapped eagerly. "Hey, this 'father to grown children' stuff is a lot easier than I thought! So Charlie, want to completely eradicate all Helsa's social credit and make her look like a moron?"
Charlie visibly thought it over. "But aren't you and Frederick friends?"
"He stopped calling for my birthday right after you and Sev split up. He's dead to me." Dad was entirely deadpan.
She tapped her index fingers together. "I… will consider this."
Vaggie and Cain exchanged tired looks.
"He is the devil," Cain pointed out.
"From the bible," Vaggie sighed.
Dad moved in a blur, looping his arms around my neck and Charlie's only to snicker gleefully. "C'mon! Pancake time, pancake time! Oooh, and then we can make stuff! This is the first time I've made something other than a duck in decades! C'mon kids, you can help out!"
Charlie looked at me, then smiled. "Well. At least this wasn't a total mistake," she muttered.
I smiled back. "Looks like it went pretty well."
Our partners followed along behind us with an air of resigned amusement.
____________________________________________________________________________
Niffty cackled, throwing her head back as the electrified tennis racket sparked in her grip. Pentious sobbed, wrapped around the chandelier.
Angel hid behind the bar, head peeking over alongside Husk as the Egg Boiz aimed miniature cannons and tried to smite roaches upon the floor.
"Fry, my minions! Fry!" Niffty shrieked.
The four of us looked up the stairway to see Alastor leaning on the banister, sipping coffee from his 'Oh Deer' mug. "Have a nice night?" he asked with a wide, mocking smile.
"...I am reconsidering the 'not a mistake' stance."
A/N: What happens when you try to cram two chapters' worth of content into a single chapter? This. I don't even have 'I used a song' to excuse the word count. There's no song this time, but if you like you can imagine a slow instrumental of 'Loser, Baby' during one specific scene. You'll know the one.
Content Notes: Angel gets more than one POV and has some Rough Thoughts.
___________________________________________________________________
Untangling the mess from our 'night' trip to the palace took a bit of time, but at the end we managed to get the fortifications we requested. The mini-cannons were placed behind one of my stronger wards.
The Egg Boiz - and now, apparently Gurlz - were already cute and dumb. We didn't need to add 'dangerous' to that list.
Charlie flopped bodily onto the nearest couch in the common area. "Ugggh. Can today get any worse?"
"Not the question you want to ask, Charlie. Ever." I slumped in my chair. "Niffty?"
She scuttled up the back and poked her head over. "You raaang?"
"...not asking who taught you that. Tea and breakfast for the princess and I, please?"
"On it!" And she leapt off towards the kitchen.
Pentious slithered over, then fell bodily on the floor, hand twitching.
"And Sir Pentious!" I called.
"I'll just get everyone!"
"That works!" Cain boomed, sitting next to my chair.
Pentious was summarily swarmed by Eggs clad in little red maid outfits, brushing him with feather dusters. At the first sound of distress, the suit-clad ones charged over him and ran the interlopers off.
The twitching intensified.
"Cain, please be a dear and put him on the other couch. Or somewhere Niffty's conscripts in the great Egg Cracking can't get at him easily."
"Mm-hmmmm," Charlie groaned in agreement.
"Pleassse," the snake whispered feebly.
Vines sprouted from the floor and left Pentious curled in a ball in his own chair. Not a scale touched the floor.
"Thanksss."
"Ugh. I've had nicer shoots with Val. Not many, but they exist." Angel cracked his back as we walked over, wincing. "Charlie, maybe next time leave someone behind who won't let it turn into a war zone?" He sat sideways on the back of the couch, perched elegantly.
Vaggie nudged Charlie over and the two curled up. "Mrgh."
"Ain't you military?" Angel asked.
"Yes. And we just ran an op on no sleep and after a full day." Vaggie firmly shut her eye and buried her face in Charlie's hair. "Gently wake me when Niffty's got food ready."
Husk snored on top of the ottoman, curled up in a feline manner that indicated just how worn out he was.
Alastor's shadow slithered up, and when his hand revealed an air horn I pointed at him.
"Do it and I'll show you the last sights of the Cath Palug." My voice echoed from deep in my chest, a ram's bleat meeting a deer's bugle meeting songbird's cry meeting a lion's coughing roar. All wrapped in the cry of a falcon.
Alastor primly put the can of devastation away. "Another time, chums. Still, the locals are surprisingly restless! I wonder what could have set them off?" He gave me a gleeful look.
The knock at the door immediately followed. Prim, crisp, and a single beat. I recognized it from when one of the few who knew where I lived would come to call for favors given and received.
I stood. "Shit." Exhaled. "Vaggie, I'll get this one. It's likely for me anyways." I gave Alastor a look. "Alastor, if you stand there, look pretty, and don't contribute past what I ask- I'll get you a whole tin of fingerfood from Rosies'."
"Hmmm."
"And a haunch of her special venison stock for Niffty to cook."
"Bribe successful, my good man! On to the show!" He perked up, cane in hand. I was just grateful Rosie took online orders and had a delivery system even the worst didn't dare meddle with.
…knowing her? She might even put in an appearance out of curiosity, especially if I mentioned Cain was here.
We reached the door, and I opened it smoothly and quietly.
"Wasn't expecting company, en pointe." I tilted my head at the woman in question.
"You shaved, Ambrosius. So the drivel they have Katie Killjoy spouting is partially true." Carmilla's hands were folded behind her back, eyes piercing. "May I come in?"
I stepped back.
True to my little nudge she walked on the points of her toes, wrapped in angelic steel. She was alone, which was… interesting. But it was definitely her.
"Zestial is playing damage control. The Vees think you attempted an overthrow and failed." She stepped past me. "Apparently they also think Lucifer's daughter would shelter you in that case."
"Let me guess. They saw the king and I flying, and the tree. Maybe heard some singing?"
"No singing, but yes to the other parts." Carmilla glanced at me. Paused. Smiled. "Ah."
I raised an eyebrow.
"You seem more at peace. Good. Either you found closure, or family."
"He told me; how did you know?" Alastor's smile turned cross.
Carmilla lowered her eyelids in disdainful irritation. "He's blond, pale, a seraphim, and has red dots on his cheeks. It's not rocket science." She lowered her voice. "Neither is the assumption that the Princess is engaged with a former Exorcist."
"I haven't asked her yetttt…" Charlie groaned.
Carmilla's eyes widened. She blinked, and craned her neck. Peered into the living room. "Madre del infierno. What happened to you?"
"We had to subdue a bunch of homunculi without harming them at 'why-o-clock' in the morning," I explained, rubbing my eyes. "Apparently Niffty helped about half of them get in touch with their feminine side, and they decided to take out prior misgendering on their employer."
"How wasss I supposssssssed to know!?" Pentious sat up. "They have neither external nor internal genitalia, and they all sound and look the same! It'sss not like I can give actual eggs HRT!" He flopped in his chair. "At least a decent tailor will be cheaper than drugssss. That would be murder on their health plansss."
"The what now." Alastor tilted his head.
"I give dental, life inssssuranssse, health benefitssss, paid time off, sick leave, and the most comprehenssssive retirement package available! It'ssss only common ssssense! Workersss are at their mossst productive when relatively ssssafe and happy. Why do you think they're willing to risssk it all on my behalf!?"
Carmilla nodded in agreement. "He's right, you know. If he were an Overlord, he'd be one of the better ones to work for. Of course, that would require him to have a soul to his name beyond his own."
Pentious shrugged mulishly. "It'sss a moot point now."
Angel gave a weary squint. "How the hell d'you afford all that?"
Pentious held his hands up and shrugged. "Clearly I sssshit the money out. PATENTSSS, YOU BUFFOON!" Pentious stood up, making Angel lean back with wide eyes. "I AM AN INVENTOR!!"
Carmilla's lips twitched, hiding a smile. "Indeed. I have him on retainer for more exotic designs. I've offered a deal once or twice, but he never took me up."
"Ah yesss, which remindsss me-"
"Your change of address was processed, and the cashflow will continue. I intend to market prototype alpha-zeta-pi to the Vees, which will be profitable for the both of us. They think they can provide angelic protection to their clients by subcontracting me. They even had the temerity to bargain down." The weapons dealer smirked.
Pentious scratched the top of his head. "That'sss the one that blowsss up every time I try to fire it becaussse the parts to make it stable are unavailable."
"As I said." Her smirk turned to a dark grin. "Profitable."
"Damn. If eating one of my enchantments wasn't penance enough, Velvette must have truly shown her ass at that meeting." I raised my eyebrows.
Carmilla's eyes fluttered shut. "I have no idea what a 'Barbie Girl' is, but the screams were music in their own right."
"Sounds Australian. And tasty!"
A loud roar split the air, like a great furnace demanding sacrifice. I leaned over and looked out the window, Alastor and Carmilla behind me.
Vee Tower was intact, but the symbol atop it had turned to molten slag. A warning shot. Smoke formed clouds over the palace.
And then the TV turned itself on.
"Hey folks at home! I don't do fireside chats, but when I hear something really stupid I just have to set the record straight, y'know?"
I looked at the idiot box containing my father's smiling visage.
"So you might have seen the whole sky-dancing and tree-growing last night. Don't be scared! Or do, I don't really give a shit. That was just me reconnecting with my son. Not by my dear queen, but someone else. Doesn't matter, but he does. He and my Charlie are your betters, and you better remember it. There wasn't a fight, there is no bounty, and if the Vees don't keep their nose OUT OF MY AFFAIRS I WILL IMMOLATE THEIR LITTLE HIDEY HOLE OFF OF MY LAWN." Flames dripped from the devil's maw, horns in plain sight. A stutter of static, and Dad was back to normal. "Thank you for your time." With a smug, insincere smile, the TV turned off.
I gave a slow blink. "Well. I feel loved." I looked out the window again at the slowly dispersing crowd. "Think they heard that?"
Carmilla narrowed her eyes. "I think they might have missed a word or two at the pearly gates. Well, I've done my due diligence. Per Zestial, no one on your list has hit the streets yet, but we'll keep you informed." She straightened her posture, a razor edge in reality. "Now if you'll excuse me, the car is running and I have a business to oversee."
"Thanks Carmilla." I rolled air around between my finger and thumb until a marble appeared. "In case you run into trouble." I held it out.
She held out her palm and I let the marble drop into it. "One of your storms. You expect some form of disaster?"
"Maybe. The Extermination is coming up earlier than usual, and it's best to be prepared." I gave her a long look in the eye.
For a moment, Carmilla Carmine was quiet and wide-eyed. A thousand thoughts crossed her mind, too fast for me to track. Finally, she leaned directly into my space. "I regret nothing," she hissed, eyes almost shut.
Her daughters, fleeing. A doomed last stand. The shock of angelic flesh giving way beneath her sole.
"Understandably so." I gave a tilt of my head. "But regardless of reason, this is the reality we live in now. Things will be harder going forward."
Carmilla tore her gaze from mine, and faced the door. "I understand."
"And if we're going to survive them? We'll need to work together, Carmilla."
She didn't look at me. For the span of several heartbeats, she was silent. "As it ever was. Best of luck with your endeavors here, Ambrosius. You will need it to shape the princess into what Hell needs her to be."
There were no goodbyes. She simply walked back outside, the door closing quietly behind her.
"Well that was all very ominous. Do I still get my bribes?"
I waved my phone at him. "I'll place an order with Rosie tonight. Cannibal Town might not be the most tech-savvy place, but she's good about keeping up with the times."
"And here I thought we'd go for a visit." Alastor's disappointment was palpable.
"And deprive Rosie of the chance to accompany the delivery, and get all the fresh gossip from the source?" I raised an eyebrow at him.
He perked up. "Oh-ho! You're plotting again~!"
"I'm rarely not." I tilted my head at him, and turned to the exhausted residents. "...I think I might have come up with an idea for today's activities. After refreshment, of course."
"Naturally. Do tell, however - inquiring minds wish to know!"
"Meaning you."
"Who else?"
I smiled slightly. "Just a bit of light farm work. It'll be quiet, comfortable, and the heaviest lifting can be done by magic. Give them a chance to do things with their hands."
Alastor's expression flattened, though the smile remained ever-present. "I will sit that one out, I think. Plants are not my forte."
I shrugged. "As you like. Oh good - breakfast."
And we went to join the rest while Niffty's brigade marched in with platters laden with food.
____________________________________________________________________________
"So uh, this is my farm!" Cain spread his arms, welcoming the other inhabitants of the hotel to his home. "Am and I worked super fuckin' hard on it, so… yeah." He grinned happily.
Charlie could see that much. Rows on rows of fruit and vegetables, and an entire orchard of trees that couldn't - shouldn't - be grown together. She didn't know much about farming beyond what she'd learned in lessons about Wrath, but a lot of what she saw - carrots and corn and blueberries and blackberries and melons and pumpkins - shouldn't be in the same season or in the same soil.
And then there was the veritable ocean of wheat. She knew the outskirts of Pentagram were mostly undeveloped, and that 'Please Go Away' accounted for over a third of it. But she hadn't accounted for the sheer scope.
Or the frankly adorable little cabin that had 'Hell Sweet Home' painted on it. Over the words on the door hung a stalk of wheat crossed with a banded feather. It was just big enough for Cain and Merlin, maybe a couple guests at most. A large pile of barrels were stacked right next to it, likely for storing produce. Maybe. Charlie wasn't sure how that would work or how it would stay fresh there - but Merlin had magic, so it probably worked out!
"It's sure somethin'." Angel Dust was wide-eyed, his usual acerbic wit out for lunch. "Never saw much like this when I was alive, let alone down here."
"Pure city boy, huh." Merlin smirked, and as he walked past Angel his clothes changed in a flicker of mist. From the suit Charlie had gotten used to, he wore a comfortable-looking brown tunic that wouldn't have been out of place during the century he was born. It hung off his shoulders and sagged around his legs, tucked neatly into a pair of working boots. "This is home for us. A bit of quiet and peace away from all the…" Merlin waved an idle hand.
"Absssolutely everything?" Pentious supplied.
Merlin pointed at the inventor. "That."
Vaggie looked around, her eye wide. There was something soft in there, and Charlie took her hand in hers.
"So, Cain and I were thinking. A lot of what we do on the farm we do by magic or other supernatural means, but that doesn't mean the old-fashioned ways don't work either." Merlin placed a hand on his hip. "So Charlie, for today we could pick some of the ripe produce from here as an activity."
"Your big plan for the day is putting us to work in the field?" Husk's eyebrow raised, unimpressed.
"So much dirt…" Niffty whispered, eye wide.
"Yeah, but no. There's obviously some that are more fun to harvest than others, and we were hoping you guys would just explore and take in the sights. Maybe we could go to Am's flower garden for lunch?" Cain looked at Niffty. "I figure Niff would be happier around the house than out here. 'Cause well, we need the dirt where it is."
"It's a change of pace. Not to mention you won't find fresher or cleaner food in all of Hell, so gathering it to eat will come with its own immediate reward." Merlin leaned into Cain's side, a small smile firmly in place. A big arm immediately dropped to pin him there.
"But uh, you'll wanna wash it first." Cain smiled down at Merlin.
"We also have clean and pure water. Whatever I might be the angel 'of', I can bring nature into being down here. Though that doesn't keep it from being despoiled…" Merlin trailed off with a dark look, only to shake it when Cain squeezed him.
"Cain, Merlin, this is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this with us today." Charlie clapped her hands together. "But, um, I don't know if we're really…"
"Dressed the part," Vaggie finished with a lowered eyebrow.
Angel gave the orchard an almost wistful look. "Shit. You know, I don't think I ever climbed a tree that wasn't in a video. It'd be murder on my threads, but-"
Klkk.
With a snap of his fingers, Merlin sent wisps of mist swirling around Angel. When they cleared, he was transformed.
He now wore a pair of denim shorts that stopped inches below his crotch, held up by suspenders over his shoulders. In addition were plaid almost-crop-top tied in the front under his chest fluff, calf-high leather boots, and a straw hat to match Cain's. The final touch was a set of sturdy working gloves on his hands.
Angel blinked in surprise. "Wait what."
"Congrats on being an honorary country girl," Merlin teased.
Angel took a quick look at Charlie. "Do I still look hot?" he asked in a near panic.
"You look like some man twice your size is about to slap your ass and call you Daisy Mae," Vaggie drawled, unimpressed.
Angel relaxed. "Oh, good. All right, crisis averted!" He gave a quartet of thumbs-up.
Klkk. Klkk. Klkk.
Each of them was bathed in mist, clearing away to reveal outfits better suited for their farm adventure.
Charlie wore something not dissimilar to Cain's usual outfit, but with the plaid overshirt buttoned up.
Vaggie wore a sturdy dress in bright pastels, which Charlie knew weren't available in Hell. The pale lavender dress hung just over the tops of her feet, with a ruffled skirt and puffy shoulders. Despite the coloring, Charlie could also see it would keep her safe from any wandering brambles. Though the dip of the neckline was… distracting. As was the ribbon tied behind her waist. Like a present to unwrap. And the adorable new matching bow in Vaggie's hair. And the matching eyepatch. And the cute gloves on her strong, firm hands, emphasizing her slim fingers, and-
Anyways.
Pentious… was stuck in a mostly-denim tube and given a ten gallon hat. He seemed surprisingly pleased with this.
"Okay! Baskets for collecting-" And they appeared in their hands. "And you can find the troughs to wash the produce in. It'll taste better if you do, but dirt won't kill you down here I guess. Or if super-tetanus happens you just have to 'die' it off." Merlin shrugged, only for Cain to bat at the top of his head with his free hand.
"Aww. Nothin' for Whiskers?" Angel reached out to tug on Husk's ear, only for their bartender to give him a withering look and elbow him in the hip - which sent Angel sprawling on the ground.
"Husk has boundaries. I'm respecting them." Merlin's tone was matter-of-fact, the same tone he used when he explained his executions to Charlie.
Husk gave him a long, cool stare.
Klkk.
"OI!"
Charlie whipped around to see a one-eyed sinner with long hair and a high tail like a fuse, now dressed in an outfit similar to Angel Dust's. She stormed out from behind the barrel pile, a pink sphere clutched in her hand.
"Cherri Bomb!?" Angel leaned back, shocked.
"Angie you bitch! Get him to change it back!"
"But you're here for the activity, aren't you?" Merlin gave a too-sweet smile. "And surely not to steal Cain's magic fertilizer for explosives."
Charlie finally recognized Angel's friend he helped in a turf war against Pentious a matter of weeks ago. She was now stuck in an outfit only describable as 'country girls make do' incarnate. "Ohh! You're here to support Angel! That's so sweet of you!"
"Aww! You shoulda just said. No need to be shy!" Cain gave a wide smile.
"Charlie…" Vaggie sighed, rubbing her face. She lifted her skirt a little and gave Merlin a complicated look at the combat boots underneath.
"Cherri, how'd you even get in here?" Angel asked, walking over to her. "You know this place is surrounded by a fuckin' death trap."
"I've been sneakin' in for years." Cherri Bomb placed a hand on her hip with a toothy smirk. "Turns out so long as you decide not to start shit and mean it, the moss and everything won't do fuck all." She paused. "Not to mention I saw worse back up top."
"Ah. Australia?"
Cherri pointed at Merlin. "Bingo, you absolute fuckstick."
Merlin just nodded sagely. "Next time I'll put spiders in there. Make you feel real at home."
"Got one already, drongo." She put an arm around Angel, making him smile.
Charlie frowned in confusion when Merlin made a small 'oh' of realization. "Huh?"
"She's lived here her entire life and is super sheltered." Merlin gestured at Charlie.
"Also she isn't clairvoyant," Vaggie pointed out tersely.
"Right! So, I'm going to go get a… whatever those big green round things are!" Charlie started marching off. She figured if worst came to worst, Merlin and Cain could handle Cherri. It was nice of her to come support Angel though, so it would be fine!
She grabbed Vaggie's hand as she passed her, because she was also not letting a chance to admire her beautiful girlfriend in her new beautiful dress go to waste. (Thank you Merlin for this meal.)
She was sure the solemn nod he sent her way was entirely coincidental.
____________________________________________________________________________
"Sooo. Years?" Angel Dust gave Cherri Bomb a considering look.
"Best stuff for my grenades, fucker. I haven't found anything with that punch before or since." Cherri strode alongside him. "Also? This fruit is unreal. Like I walked into goddamn fairyland or somethin'."
"Actually, it's quite real! Just like at home." Merlin wandered along behind them, cool as a cucumber. "Home being Earth in this case."
Cherri rolled her eye. "Yeah, yeah. So level with me: how long have you known I've been fuckin' around 'ere?"
"Oh, from the start. But you never did any harm so I let you be. The only reason I dragged you out is because I figured Angel might enjoy this more with you to shoot the shit with." Merlin walked past them with a serene smile.
"Huh." Cherri blinked at the wizard-gone-angel.
"Erm…" Sir Pentious followed along, twiddling his thumbs. "I never thought this would happen- usss, doing things. For fun. How does this work, exactly?" His eyes darted at Cherri, then he quickly looked away. "Should I be wearing something elsssse? What do I do?"
Cherri gave him a flat look. "Search me, ya munted dickhead."
"There's an entire row of perfectly good blackberries if you want something to do." Merlin turned around, walking backwards. He gestured at the bushes in question with a small smirk. "Though I figure Angel might be more interested in the grapes."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "How do ya figure?"
"Grapes, wine, Italian. A bit of an assumption, but…"
Angel scoffed. "And of course the Brit thinks the Italian is a wino."
Merlin scowled. "Gaelic."
"Chewsday, innit?" Angel dodged an elbow from Pentious after the mockery. "Besides, the real stuff is apricots. Blood oranges too, straight from Sicily. Ooh, elderberries! Ma had an elderberry pie, 'Niss and I would go absolute apeshit over it." He paused. "Huh. Hadn't thought about that for a while."
"Hm. I think we might actually have some elderberries around. I doubt Niffty could make your mother's pie, but a pie would be within her abilities if you asked nicely." Merlin's smile had softer edges than Angel had seen to this point.
"Hah! Well if you cunts manage to whip up a pie that makes Angie feral, I might drop in for a slice." Cherri leveled a finger at Merlin. "Not to stay."
"Oh no. We don't have a visiting policy." Merlin's voice dripped with biting sarcasm. "Once you're in, you're in. Vaggie says she works security, but she's actually the warden."
Angel made a rude gesture with his fingers. "Puh-lease. If you decided to keep me there and out of work I might actually scream." He gave Cherri a glance, and then Pentious.
The inventor blinked back at him with wide eyes and cheeks stuffed with blackberries. He swallowed. "It tastes like my childhood." His eyes quivered and shone.
"Look… the stuff Charlie has us doin'- it's kid stuff. It can't work." Angel gave Merlin a tired shrug. "What does she expect trust falls and clappin' games to do?"
"Sheltered is such an understatement for her life thus far." Merlin frowned. "She means well, really. There's a lot of love in her heart and loneliness in her life. She wants to help. She just doesn't quite know how. But she's started taking direction from me and it should help." He looked at Angel with those terrifying eyes. "Though I would like any feedback on this outing. Would you consider it relaxing?"
Angel glanced at Cherri again. "I… it's not the worst. Maybe I wanted to see an orchard when I was a punk kid." It was a long time ago. "Maybe. Not to work there, but just to see."
"Mmhm. And now?"
"It ain't bad." Angel leveled a look at Merlin.
"I recall in my youth, my dear mother would take me to farms to pick berries in season. I did so love to just pluck them off the bush." Pentious' eyes went distant. "It feelsss so very long ago. Because it was! But still."
Angel caught Cherri giving Merlin a strange look. "...you actually have an idea what you're doing, don't you," she finally said.
"A bit of one. I just lack motivation for this - which Charlie has. And she has insights I don't as well."
Angel snorted. "Hey, you're doin' a better job keepin' her goin' than fancy-talk creepazoid." He squinted. "Also you kinda dropped the whole 'ohoho, salutitties m'boy' shit."
Merlin paused, stopped walking. "Huh. Guess so." He started again.
"So what do you think will get us to Heaven? Assuming that'sss a thing." Sir Pentious gave a quizzical look.
"Redemption is the end of a road. The journey is self-realization, healing, and atonement." Merlin's eyes glinted in the sunlight. "Facing one's demons, as it were. Learning how to move on and let go, or at least live with everything that came before. Making amends where you can, and making things better if you can't. Friendship, fellowship - those help more than you'd think. Supporting and caring for another are excellent steps."
Angel frowned. "So… you think those trust exercises helped?"
"Redemption's a slow road. It takes time - time that Heaven isn't giving us. And resources we just don't have to do this on a widespread scale." Merlin finally stopped against a tree, and folded his arms.
Angel looked up, and immediately recognized the fruit. Golden apples, hanging above him. …they said that Avalon, the blessed isle, had them. He remembered that from the stories.
"So what's the point then?" Cherri asked. The question lacked a lot of her usual bite. "Why do it if nothing's gonna come of it?"
"Because someone has to. In order for something to end, something else has to start. Charlie's set it in motion, one way or another." Merlin closed his eyes. "And this isn't my first battle against the powers that be. Not by a long shot."
…because Camelot did go down. Everything went to shit, even with Merlin behind it. Now Merlin was gearing up to take on Heaven, and not for knights and ladies and shit. But for shitheads like Angel and Pentious.
"I'd like to think I learned a thing or two from my past. I have no intention of seeing it repeat." Merlin opened an eye, looking right into Angel's soul.
For a single, irrational moment, Angel felt the urge to talk. About Val, about his contract, about all of the shit he'd been through. To ask for help.
And then it passed.
"Eh. Good luck with that." Angel stretched his arms over his head and snatched an apple off a branch. "If shit hits the fan, I'm out."
Merlin looked at Cherri, causing Angel to frown. "Really?"
She smirked. "Nah. If Angie's put up with you shits this long, he likes you enough to stay. Die? Not so much. Definitely stay though."
"I'd rather we all live, actually," Pentious proposed awkwardly. "It would be quite nice."
Merlin laughed quietly. "That's the goal, Pentious. Living together."
"Yess. I quite like living with friendssss." The snake gave Angel a hopeful look.
"Yeah, yeah." He smirked at them. "I guess you fucks ain't the worst roommates I've had." He bit into the apple, and savored the sweet juice. It quenched a thirst he didn't even know he had.
"Riiiight. Anyway, that's my feelings quota for today, bitches. Let's get some fuckin' food!" Cherri grinned wildly, pumping a fist.
Merlin spread his arms out. "Go wild. Just don't damage the plants."
____________________________________________________________________________
"This is beautiful, Cain." Charlie's eyes were wide while she stared at a strawberry in the palm of her hand. Vaggie felt warmth blossom behind her sternum at the sight, and for once it wasn't acid reflux.
"Yeah. When I started, it was just the wheat fields." Cain looked out with a sad smile. "It was my way of punishing myself."
Vaggie turned that over in her head, and winced.
"That's where it happened, huh." Husk hadn't spoken up much, just looked around and kept quiet. "But something changed."
"Mmhm. Five hundred years ago, Merlin came crashing into my life. Just showed up one day after chasing down some muckfuthering serial killer, and wandered in just because." Cain looked out at the waving golden fields. His gaze was distant, but he smiled fondly. "Most shitheads- I put up the woods because they'd burn the farm for fun. Or people would try to kill me, or bait me into a contract. Merlin wasn't like that though."
He started walking, and the rest of them followed. Niffty stayed at the cottage.
"How so?" Charlie asked before biting her strawberry. She lit up at the taste, eyes wide and shining. Her cheeks bulged like a cute animal's when she stuffed the rest of the berry into her mouth, chewing eagerly.
Vaggie took note of the red eyes peering from the ground, only for them to close and fade away in Cain's passing. Trails of grass replaced them, sprinkled with wildflowers.
"Merlin's always had his eyes on. I didn't know it was a seraphim thing or that they could turn 'em off until we met your dad. He met me, and just stared. It kind of weirded me out, and then he just asked if he could fix me dinner." Cain chuckled. "And after wining and dining, we fell into bed pretty fast. And talked, and ate, and farmed, and fucked. He'd come and go, whenever he saw some new fuckshit on the wind that he needed to get rid of before they really hurt someone."
Vaggie twitched at the casual mention of how intimate they were, but something about it lacked the vulgarity of Adam's similar commentary.
"And the more time we spent, the more I realized- he was looking for someone he could look at without regretting it. Someone who wouldn't just get snapped up by Overlords or killed in an Extermination. He got me, and we fell in love." Cain sighed. "Like it's not perfect. He fucks up, I fuck up. But I've learned that so long as I give him space but not too much, we can always work it out. Like, just love ain't enough. It's not just feelings, yeah? You gotta put yourself out there, gotta be real and there and work to get as close as you can. Take care of them. It's all about being excellent to each other."
Vaggie blinked as Charlie took her hand in hers. Her girlfriend smiled at her. "I think I know what you mean."
Vaggie smiled back, cheeks warm.
"Uh huh. Riveting." And Husk decided to pitch in. "So how do you know he's not gonna just turn on you for fuckin' up too hard? Glib bastard like that, hard to tell if he means well or not."
Cain stopped walking. "Well, it helps that I take care of the people I'm responsible for - meaning him and the folks in the Hotel. I mean, it's not like I'm a shitgibbon that gambles their souls to depraved shitheels to fuel my addiction to adrenaline, right?" A low rumble like gravel entered the sinner's voice. "But hey, even if I was? He'd still give me a fair shake. Tell me what I wanted to know, and give me just enough rope to hang myself with." Cain turned to look at Husk. "Don't blame him for you danglin' yourself over deer-boy's jaws, friend."
Vaggie blinked at the sudden venom from the friendly giant, taken aback.
Husk's ears flattened. "You're the last person to judge me, fucker. You've been down here longer than any of us."
"And I hurt one person who didn't have it coming." Cain turned to fully face them, and looked down his nose at Husk. "Because I was young, and stupid, and didn't know what death was. I've regretted it ever since. How about you? Do you regret any of them? Do their faces haunt your dreams? The people who relied on you, only to get spent like chips at your casino? Do you feel a damn thing, Card Count? Or maybe that's why-"
"Stop!" Charlie stepped between them. "Cain, what's wrong? Why are you acting like this?"
Vaggie cleared her throat. "I mean, Husk did just imply that if he didn't toe the line the guy he's been with for hundreds of years would leave him."
Cain blinked at her, almost as if he'd forgotten she was there.
She turned her attention to Husk, who had hunched over ever so slightly. It was difficult to tell from his usual slouch, but Cain hadn't held back. "However, that got real personal, real fast. So I'm going to guess that your opening shot was meant to go close to home too." She placed a hand on her hip. "So?"
Husk bristled. "You can't seriously think that motherfucker is entirely on the up and up. You haven't seen him get ugly. Not really. I'd take ten of Alastor over that."
"I mean he did almost flash-fry me that one time," Vaggie droned. "But something changed his mind. Oh right! He has something like scruples."
"Not 'something', Vaggie. He's as moral as he can be while dealing with people who, well. Might not be." Charlie put a hand on her arm. "And Husk, I understand if he killed-"
"I'll give the fucker this: he only kills when there's no other choice. He'd rather, I dunno. Test people. See what they're made of."
"So you failed." Vaggie raised an eyebrow.
Husk bristled. "The fuck you say?"
"I remember the day he showed up. He said something like 'I told you your next bet could win it all, but you probably shouldn't take it'. Not verbatim, but…" Vaggie trailed off. "Huh. I wonder if he did something similar to Alastor, and that's what caused the seven-year disappearance."
Husk straightened up. "Look. You're a pain in my neck, but you do not want to bring that up. Ambrose might be honest with you - for whatever fuckin' reason he likes you in a way I don't see every day. Alastor will make you beg to die."
"And Am loves me, but that didn't stop you from being a prick." Cain gave him a baleful stare.
Husk narrowed his eyes. "Seein' as you jackasses think he shits rainbows, I thought it was a good idea to remind y'all that he is very capable of fuckin any one of us over. In fact, he already has."
"And Husk the Bartender didn't deserve that," Charlie said slowly. "But what about Husk the Overlord? Because if you gambled souls, you were one. Did he hurt people? Was he someone Merlin had to stop? And I know you've changed since then. Everyone changes, even if it's in little ways every day. I'm not who I was yesterday - I'm not even who I was ten minutes ago!" Charlie shrugged with a sad smile.
Husk blinked at her, befuddled. "I don't know what you want from me. I made a truce with him, and I ain't pickin' a fight."
"Just maybe… look at it from his point of view. He keeps saying 'ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves'. And maybe that was his way of being merciful towards someone he liked, even if they were someone he felt he had to stop. He gave you a chance to stop doing what you were doing."
"This is Hell, Charlie. Everyone's gonna live down to your expectations." Husk's voice was almost gentle. "Ain't nobody here for no reason. Even if that reason is bein' born." His eyes narrowed. "Your way or his."
"But we all have the ability to make choices, even now. To be kind, to- to be excellent to each other, like Cain said." Charlie tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling. "If redemption is going to work, I have to believe that people can be better than their worst moments."
Vaggie felt a surge of affection swell in her heart, helplessly smiling at Charlie's words. She placed a hand on her girlfriend's elbow, and leaned against her shoulder.
Cain roughly swiped at his eyes. "...s'nice of you to think so," he grumbled roughly. "And I'm… sorry. For goin' all in on you, Husk. It was shitty."
Husk looked at Cain for a long moment. He sighed. "It's whatever. You were standin' for someone you loved. No sin in that." He closed his eyes and shrugged, affecting an uncaring attitude. He grunted. "You goin' out of your way to help folks when they let you might be part of why he likes you so much. Ambrose always did like heroes."
"Huh. I wonder if he saw something like that in you once?" Charlie rubbed her chin.
Husk's expression flattened. "If he did, he needs his eyes checked."
Charlie visibly thought of something. "Um. Husk. What can you tell me about… Valentino?"
Vaggie twitched at the sudden hesitance in Charlie's voice.
Husk's eyes went wide. "That son-of-a-bitch is trouble, Charlie. No. He's worse than trouble, he is evil and I do not use that term lightly. Tell me you haven't got mixed up with him." He swiped his paw through the air for emphasis.
"No! No, Merlin just brought him up. When we were talking about Angel Dust." Charlie fiddled with her fingers. "It's just, if you were an Overlord I was wondering if you might know something? Something that I could use to convince him to ease up on Angel or let him go."
Something like realization darkened Husk's eyes. "The punk's on his leash." His voice was quiet. "And here I thought he was living the high life."
"If Valentino's as bad as Merlin said-" Charlie began.
"He is." Husk and Cain glanced at each other when they spoke in unison.
"No wonder Angel made as much of a break as he could." Vaggie tightened her hold on Charlie. "How likely is it that Merlin will take him out?"
"Depends. He's got Lucifer's blessing to go all out in Hell now. Him, he doesn't give a shit about us, for good or bad. He'd rather pretend we don't exist. We don't fuck with him, he doesn't fuck with us. He was also the only thing standing between Ambrose the Informant and Merlin the Seraphim." Husk spoke slowly, fur bristling in visible anxiety.
"Okay…?" Charlie put a hand on Vaggie's.
"Valentino can be described in three words: power, pleasure, force. He isn't someone Ambrose would tolerate existing in his presence unless killing him came at enough cost." Husk looked at Charlie. "Like your respect. He's gone and imprinted on you two somethin' fierce, I can tell that much. He'll get pissed, get angry, but you don't have to worry like the rest of us."
"I think his boundaries are a lot clearer than you say they are, Husk. My guess is so long as you don't act in malice and at least try to be a good person, he's fine." Charlie looked at Vaggie.
"But basically: if Charlie hadn't told him not to kill permanently anymore, we'd be short a moth as of early this morning."
"In a word: yes." Husk looked away.
There were a few beats of thoughtful silence. Charlie gazed at the ground, wheels turning that Vaggie wasn't able to fathom.
"...I wonder. He gets along with Rosie, and she runs Cannibal Town." Husk finally spoke up.
"She took clippings I grew. Clippings that grow a variety of fruits and vegetables with the same texture, appearance, and taste of human body parts. I had to tap into Hell itself to do it, but… it didn't feel dirty to me. Probably because I was doing it to help people with a problem." Cain smiled.
"Huh. ...shit." Husk gave a slow blink, as though something settled into place.
"People still get eaten, though," Vaggie pointed out in consternation.
"Naturally."
They turned.
Merlin strode along, Angel close behind cheerfully munching on an apple. Pentious poked his head out of a bush, fanged smile stained with berry juice. Cherri Bomb popped a black berry in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.
"If someone is fool enough to pick a fight with a community called Cannibal Town, they deserve what they get. Which tends to be 'eaten'. That said, so long as people are civil and polite, they let them come and go as they will nowadays." Merlin paused. "Shit, I need to place an order for that bribe I promised Alastor." He shrugged. "In a bit. So! What were you talking about me for?"
"We just rolled up and you were all preeetty deep in conversation." Angel perched an elbow on Merlin's head, causing the angel to give an amused smirk. He took another bite with a raised eyebrow.
"Weeee were going to ask about your flower garden!" Charlie immediately pulled out of her ass. Vaggie was almost proud. "Also, we still don't have one of those round green veggies. I want one!"
"Those are fruit - 'watermelons'. The rind isn't much, but the meat of the fruit is pretty sweet." Cain immediately picked up the thread.
Merlin's eyebrows went up. He looked directly at Vaggie. "Uh huh." He shrugged. "Well, if we take a path towards the centerpiece of my garden from here, we'll pass the watermelon patch on the way." He let Angel's arm drop as he walked along, passing them by. Vaggie barely caught a blur of motion as he passed Cain.
"Hey!" Cain's yelp was mixed with laughter, a massive hand coming down to cover his buttock closest to Merlin. He grinned.
"Play nice." With those words, letting them know that nothing went unknown to their (terrifying) friend, Merlin strode ahead.
"PIE." Plates slid in front of everyone, Niffty a blur in motion. "PIE PIE PIE."
Angel blinked slowly, staring at the fork in his hand. "Uh. Thanks, Niff."
She grinned up at him, vibrating. "Ehehehe!"
Cherri took a bite off her plate. Paused. And then began to wolf it down, gaze locked on Angel's own plate.
"Mmf- Niffty this is great! Thank you!" Charlie called, smiling brightly.
"Aww, you're welcome!" Niffty tapped her chin, looking at the last bit in the pan. "Hmmm."
Angel looked away, and speared the pie with his fork. With a twist of his wrist, he broke a piece onto the cutlery and lifted it into his mouth.
"It's a good thing nobody ate those raw - they're poisonous until cooked-" Vaggie was saying something, but Angel couldn't make it out.
The sweet-tart flavor ran down his throat, and the world dissolved around him.
The flowers, wild and unbound - the trees, the bushes - all faded away. Even the others (his friends).
Eat up, Tony! I made this one for you and Moll. Your brother's out on… business. But I know it's ya favorite!
Angel blinked rapidly. The nostalgia gripped in his chest, and he breathed deeply through his nose. He gently set the plate on the small table, and stood.
"Angel?"
Charlie's concern was the last straw. "'Scuse me. Gotta take a call."
Angel's legs carried him away as fast as he could go without running, trees and flowers blurring. He walked for several minutes, letting himself get some distance.
Eventually, he found another clearing. It wasn't the woods, not quite. But the area was surrounded by trees.
In the center was a winding mass of wood, speckled with blinking eyes. At first he thought they were like the red ones that grew almost everywhere in Hell these days - but then did a double take.
These eyes were gray. The same gray as Cain's. Their curious, gentle stare soothed the ache that had bloomed in his gut from the unwanted memory.
"...fuck." Angel sat in front of the tree, rubbing his face. "What'm I supposed to do? Only one of 'em might be able to do somethin', and he's sworn off killin' for Charlie. She won't let him - she wants to save everyone."
"Ambrose's services don't come cheap."
Angel looked up, only for Husk to sit by his side.
"But all things considered, you'd be one of the ones he'd waive his fees for." Husk tilted a bottle to his lips, brow furrowed.
Angel looked back to the tree.
"Y'know… you seem like you could use a bartender to talk to. An ear to bitch off. Just an observation."
"I can't tell if you two are old friends or hate each other." Angel looked at the tree. It was one of the ugliest things he'd seen in Hell, but it still felt… soothing. Gentle. If he was a poet, he'd say something about cocoons and butterflies. Not his style though.
"Hmph. That asshole kills anyone he hates. And they deserve it." Husk put the bottle down. "I'm just pissed because I trusted him, and I shouldn't have." He frowned. "Or maybe I should have, and listened to what he had to say."
"Yeah. He did say somethin' like that when he showed up, huh." Angel looked at the tree. "So. Why d'you care?" He looked at Husk. He really was a handsome guy. Older, but under the gristle and despair he was sturdy. Steady.
"Hmm. Ambrose - Merlin - doesn't act carelessly. And he's drawing battle lines for an explosion centered on you and that boss of yours." Husk narrowed his eyes. "He's getting ready to test Charlie."
Fear pierced Angel's spine like frozen nails. The sensation of Val's tongue trailing, dragging, taking-
"He can't. He- Valentino will eat her alive. She can't go near him." Angel sat up, heart pounding.
"You said it." Husk took another drink. "Can't help but notice you haven't tried to lay hands on me yet."
'Lay hands on'. Like a little flirting was… "Buddy, if you think what I do's violent then Val would send you up the wall."
Husk gave Angel a flat stare. "Excuse me for wanting to exercise some agency in my life, such as it's become."
Angel flinched. "Ouch. That's…" He looked at Husk. "You too?"
"Mmhm. That guy likes his tests. If I'd backed down, I'da passed and gotten help. I went and locked horns with Alastor. And now he owns my soul. That's what failure looks like." Husk frowned. "Whatever Charlie would lose if she fails is probably less. Ambrose likes his heroes."
"We don't got many in Hell." Angel looked up at the tree. "I… look. I have no idea what to do with all this. It's like he's looking at every crack in my armor and pullin' it off. I need this shit to cope with the bastard. I need to be me."
"Hm. And who are 'you'?" Angel heard the quotes in the question.
"Loud, flirty, fun. The life of the party." Angel leaned back, and placed his hand close to Husk's. An offer- not a demand. "The hottest piece of ass in Pentagram. The drugs help with the first part." He grinned. "I don't need much help with the second."
Husk didn't take his hand, but didn't move his either. The twitch of an ear was the only acknowledgement Angel got, but it wasn't cursing and outrage. "And who else are you? Out of curiosity."
Angel frowned.
Husk lifted the hand not near Angel's in a half-shrug. "Up to you. I ain't pried much lately after Ambrose sat you down in front of me and Alastor."
Angel huffed, then smirked. "Alright, wiseass. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
Husk raised an eyebrow.
Angel made to laugh, to sneer-
"Fair enough. I was an Overlord once."
Angel froze.
"It was nice, having that power. But the bottle's not the only vice I got - I was a gambler. 'Card Count' they called me. I dealt in souls - won and lost." Husk sighed. "I treated 'em well while I had them, but that's cold comfort when they never knew if I'd put them in a pot to some two-bit sadist. If they'd end up not coming home. I told myself it was the cost of doin' business, but every loss left me with less and less. Friends don't gamble friends, after all." Husk scowled. "And when I was lookin' at the bottom of the barrel, I started lookin' for a way out. And that's when I hit the crossroads."
"And Merlin told you Alastor was it."
"Right. If I won, I could get his souls, his allegiance, and his cash. Everything I needed. But I was already punchin' up at that point. The chances were bad, and Merlin said I should walk. But I didn't hear it over the call for one more hand." Husk looked at Angel. "And when I lost, I made a deal to keep what power I could hold on to. So ya see, I know somethin' about makin' choices you can't take back."
Angel curled up, putting an arm over his legs. "...my family were famiglia. Even Ma. Only Mol- Molly - wasn't. My sister, I mean. She got out. I didn't." He looked at the tree. Into those eyes. Let them ground him. "I did a lot of shit. Loved, lost. Pa tried to 'fix' me with a woman more than once. I turned to anything I could get to cope with it."
Husk's fingers found his own. Not flirting, or seductive- just supportive.
"I OD'd on drugs and ended up here. Made my way for a while, and then I met Val. Val was- he was nice. He kept saying how pretty I was, how I'd be his number one. I'd be a star, and I'd only sleep with guys. Well, he was right on the last part." Angel sighed. "So here I am. Blowin' my brains out with drugs and booze every night, tryin' to deal with-" He cut himself off. "I thought, you know, if I just broke myself a little faster. Made myself worse? That I wouldn't be his favorite toy anymore."
"And he'd let you go." Husk sighed. "I can see it."
Angel looked up at the tree once more. "I just feel stupid."
Husk scoffed. "You think you feel stupid? That ass said he'd try to get my contract from Alastor to Charlie. Even knowing him like I do, I still half believe him."
"Hell of an upgrade." Angel gave a half-smile. He squeezed Husk's hand companionably. "Well. Here's to a couple of idiots at the end of their ropes."
"Yeah?" Husk raised an eyebrow again. His shoulders were lax for the first time since Angel met him.
"Yeah. Who knows? Even if Heaven isn't for us, maybe we can still make somethin' out of this hotel business." Angel looked back to the tree.
The eyes crinkled, as though smiling. Warmth filled his chest.
"Even if we got nothin' else, there's still hope, huh." Husk hesitated, then squeezed his hand back. He let go and stood. "Anyway."
Angel looked up at him, offering his hand down to help him up.
"I get needin' to be 'you' to handle that moth and his bullshit. But this 'you'? He ain't half bad." Husk offered a small half-smile.
Angel took his hand and stood up.
Movement drew their attention to the back of the glade.
"Hee- oh! You're here." Cain lumbered in. He held Angel's plate in his hand. "Am saved your pie from Cherri and Pen." He grinned. "And you found my tree!"
"Yours?" Husk asked, looking at it for a second.
"Kinda. It's been here longer than I have, but if I make something weird I do it here. Like the body bits plants for Cannibal Town." Cain scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. "It just makes me feel all safe and happy. Not like the red-eye roots."
"Hmm." Husk gave the tree another look.
Angel took the plate from Cain as the giant walked to the tree, placing his palm in an empty space. The eyes crinkled with joy, and the sense of 'warmth' and 'love' redoubled.
"Yeah. She's my secret. I never told Lucifer about her, but Am- well. He agrees something's up with her, but that she's good. He gets cagey about it. Said that it's almost like when he tried to read Lilith."
"Her?" The word slipped out of Angel's mouth.
"Yeah. It just feels right." Cain smiled at the strange tree one last time, and let it go.
Angel dragged his fork across the place, then took another bite. The pie was still warm. He noticed a small doodle in the juices, radiating that same warmth.
"...Merlin's the kind of guy to use magic to keep food warm for a friend, huh."
Husk looked at Angel, eyelids lowered. "...yeah. He would."
Angel didn't push for more. "Alright. Bitch-fit over; let's head back." Angel smirked. "We're takin' tomatoes and spices back to the hotel, and I'm makin' pasta." He scowled. "And if any a' youse tries to break it? I break you."
Cain's laugh and Husk's raspy chuckle lightened his spirits just a little more.
"Well. See ya's, tree-lady! Thanks for the company." Angel waved behind him as he walked on.
…he wasn't sure if he imagined the soft whisper in return. Nobody else said anything, so it must have been a breeze.
____________________________________________________________________________
"I admit, I didn't expect our resident 'star' to have a talent for the kitchen! Let alone that he would convince our Niffty to give him the reins therein." Alastor fiddled with his cane as we waited by the front door.
"Well, when he compared her pie to his mother's…" I trailed off.
"Ahh. She died too young to have children, you see. She's rather twisted, but perhaps more the loyal for it. I never needed a contract to compel her assistance." Alastor's smile took a wistful cast.
"Watching those two was fun," I admitted. I sighed.
Almost everyone else had gone to bed for the night. Charlie was still looking over her plans for the next couple of months in her pseudo-office to the side of the foyer, and Husk closed up the bar.
I checked my phone. "She said she was on the way roughly an hour ago…"
A series of pops and sputters came from outside, catching my attention. After exchanging a look with Alastor, I opened the door.
A tall pale woman in a burgundy dress dismounted an automobile that would have looked at home in the first half of the twentieth century, patting the hood with a sharp-toothed smile. She strode to the backseat and picked up a small case.
I stepped outside, partly to help and partly because Alastor would never let me hear the end of it otherwise. "Rosie! Let me get the heavy lifting on this end, hm?"
"AMBROSE! Darlin', aren't you a sight!" Rosie put the fingers of her free hand to her chin. "Now, I hear you kids are in mixed company? Might be a good idea to make sure Alastor's snacks don't get mixed in with everyone else's!" She winked one fathomless dark eye.
"Haha, I will simply keep them in my personal larder in my quarters. Thank you for the delivery on short notice, my dear!"
"Oh you! When Ambrose asked for a delivery, I knew it was an invite to boot! And look at this place! It's got a lot of character, I'll tell ya. Oooh, and your man's got a greenhouse too!" Rosie clapped her hands when Alastor took the small confectioner's case from her.
I clicked my fingers, and the larger bundles erupted in petals, only to reappear in the depths of Alastor's lair. The petals themselves scattered on an invisible gust, keeping the car clean.
"Oh you boys. Ah, Alastor, let me look at you!" She picked him up, and he made a small bleating sound as she turned with him against the fading sunlight. "I tell you, the halls back home are lesser for missin' your sparkle!" She grinned at me. "You too, sweetie! So? You boys gonna invite me in?"
I gave a half-bow. "More than a few of our guests and staff have retired for tonight, so I hope you don't mind us taking tea in the foyer?"
"Of course! I'd hate to be a bother." She let both hands hang limply in a motion to emphasize her agreement.
Alastor closed his hand, and his tin of 'treats' vanished in a swirl of shadows.
We offered our elbows, and Rosie stood between us, giggling as we went up the stairs into the hotel. She took an elbow in each hand as we marched up through the wide doors.
I let Alastor close the doors outside with a twitch of his cane.
"Oooh. Swanky!" Rosie looked up where vines held a gently swinging chandelier in place. The crimson hall was now adorned with plant life of complimentary colors. The pictures framed on the walls were ensnared in ivy, and leafless branches extended to act as a coat and hat rack.
"Hm? Oh! You must be Rosie." Charlie hurried over from her papers. "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! I'm Charlie, nice to meet you." She offered her hand.
"Oh aren't you a sweetie! Nice to meet you hun." Rosie took Charlie's hand and shook it gently. "I just swung by for a little drop-off for our dear Alastor here, and had to come inside to take a peek at what got both him and Ambrose so interested!"
"Rosie's an Overlord, the de facto mayor of Cannibal Town," I explained, waving a hand in the direction of the foyer. Wooden branches bound together from the floor, only to sprout a marble tea-table that could sit the four of us. "Fashionista, patron of the arts, very well connected. Also quite possibly one of the most emotionally intelligent people in Hell."
"Ohhh…" Charlie stared at Rosie.
"She's also the loveliest and most lethal Overlord this side of Pentagram." Alastor pulled a chair out for Rosie, and the demon in question sat herself down.
"Oh you boys!" Rosie giggled.
I tilted my head at Charlie, and she sat herself down as well - right before Alastor and I.
"Sooo. You're Lucifer's daughter, aintcha? What's that like?" Rosie picked up a teacup that swirled into being from a cloud of mist. She took a sip. "Oooh, bergamot. Very nice." She grinned.
"Well…" Charlie looked as the cookies I snuck from the kitchen materialized with the cups, saucers, and steaming pot. "Dad taught me a few things about socializing with other demons, and we were a lot closer when I was younger. Nowadays, he's more… distantly supportive?" Charlie gave an awkward smile.
"Hopefully less distant since our visit yesterday," I murmured. Loud enough the entire table heard it.
"Oh right! I did wanna ask about that. Sooo? Was I right?" Rosie's smile turned to a grin, eyes half-open in a smug expression.
I sighed. "Yes Rosie, using my words did turn out to be the best course of action. Nothing's really resolved, but apparently he still feels a parent's affection for me."
"Good!" Rosie shimmied her shoulders with a wide smile. "So! You're aware that Ambrose here's a little more famous than he lets on - and family to boot."
"Yes, I am. Who knew before?" Charlie asked.
Rosie hummed. "Me, Alastor, Carmilla and Zestial were about it. Maybe one or two of our closest confidants who were in the room when we were informed."
"Like Carmilla Carmine's daughters?" Charlie looked at me.
"Yeah, she'd tell 'em probably," Rosie agreed.
I cleared my throat. "So Rosie, that thing I asked you to keep an eye on-"
"Oh darlin', I am so glad you asked! And that's probably why you made sure Charlie was here too, right? Lucifer might not give me the time of day, but this is important!" Rosie fanned herself, actual anxiety on her face.
"The what now?" Alastor blinked in confusion.
"So, Ambrose and I both noticed a loooong while back that after each extermination the eyes would show up. You know the ones, all red and just here and there." Rosie talked behind her hand as though she were telling us a secret in a crowded room. "And after that sixteen percent blowout Carmilla mentioned? Well I was gonna bring it up at the meeting, but then Velvette decided to flash her whole… eh…" She moved her hand in a circle.
"Cunte Magnifique?" I threw in.
"Behind?" Alastor offered.
"Not actual words, but close enough. Also, yes." Rosie pointed at both of us. "Right! So she got Carmilla worked up and the meeting ended before I could share! I've started seeing what those eyes are attached to!" Rosie clapped her hands excitedly.
"What, Rosie?" Charlie sat up, eyes narrowed. "And why wasn't the royal family informed?"
"Well, we figured you folks either knew and didn't care, or just wouldn't care! Heck, the only healthcare in Hell is in Sloth, and it's nowhere near here!" Rosie shrugged. "Anywho, the eyes aren't on tentacles or any of that - they're on roots."
Charlie frowned. "Roots?"
I hummed to myself. "Maybe that's why whenever Cain goes near them they vanish. The plant life he seeds into the ground just by walking drives them back."
"Yeah. Too bad we can't just take him everywhere with us. Poor guy's a shut-in for a reason." Rosie sighed. "He's not thin-skinned, but a lot of the shit in Hell just doesn't fly with him, you know? He's a real sweetie. Came into town to plant those clippin's of his, and showed how they worked on the spot!"
"I still don't know why you took them, my dear. Surely the prey hadn't run out?" Alastor drank his coffee that I'd procured, eyes lowered in disdain for the concept.
"Simple! Fear's one thing, but knowin' we were content to do a lil' gardening made us much more attractive neighbors. The home-grown stuff is easier to get, has the same nutrition, and even has the same taste! And with people bein' more sanguine about us livin' close, I started hearing even more gossip and getting more business at my emporium!" Rosie smiled widely. "And if anyone starts trouble, our teeth are still sharp! Wins all around!"
"So wait. After Extermination Day, those roots spread. Why?" Charlie looked at us, confusion and concern on her face.
"Whatever it is, it's old. And I think it's feeding on the residue of dead sinners." I folded my arms, frowning.
"How old is old?"
"Your dad old, sweetie." Rosie gave a small frown and pat Charlie's hand. "Even Cain said it'd been there as long as he can remember."
"And what, nobody's brought this up before?" Charlie stood up, fists clenched. "Nobody's tried to do anything?"
"Well darlin', your brother was the first to notice but didn't have the presence to gauge it like I could. And-"
"And whatever it is resists my clairvoyance. It's not just old, but has metaphysical weight - like Dad's palace." I frowned. "It wasn't until I got a contact like Rosie I was able to collect data across an extended period."
"And I did that one for free. After all, knowin' what the actual Hell is going on with this stuff is important all 'round!" Rosie pointed at me with a firm nod.
Alastor kept drinking, eyes narrowed.
Lilith never noticed it, or if she did she never mentioned. Small wonders.
So that was a bit of information.
Charlie sighed. "Great. So now, not only do we have to worry about genocide, we have to worry about people-eating roots."
"Not quite. When a soul is destroyed by angelic weaponry, they decay into soul-residue - which is what feeds the root system. Unfortunately, I can't even tell if the thing is indigenous to Pride or if the network stretches further down." I looked away. "And with the purges happening annually for literal eons… I can't tell what the damage ultimately is."
"It ain't pretty to look at, and definitely gives me the heebie-jeebies." Rosie shivered. "Brr."
"So when you destroyed souls…" Charlie gave me a contemplative look.
"I was thorough enough the residue would have been negligible. However I did the deed, I would use lightning to erase the evidence." I looked at Alastor. "Unlike simple electricity, true lightning is five times as hot as the surface of the sun."
"Ooh. I'll keep that one in my pocket for if I see Vox around." Alastor grinned.
Charlie sat down. "...there really is a lot that I'm not aware of, huh." She straightened her shoulders. "Miss Rosie?"
"Hmm?" Rosie blinked innocently.
"Would you terribly mind getting me caught up on the goings-on in Pride? If I'm going to make this Hotel work, I'm going to need to know as much as I can about what I'm working with."
Rosie beamed. "Darlin', I'd love to! Carmilla's so damn busy she never has time for a sit-down anymore! And keepin' you informed is the least I can do for you looking after my boys."
"Thank you - and they're amazingly helpful too." Charlie smiled at us. "So, um, you and Alastor…?" she trailed off.
"Ha! No, that one's an ace in the hole!" Rosie flipped her hand away from her face.
"A what now?" Alastor blinked in polite confusion.
"Asexual, here meaning a person who does not experience physical attraction. Possibly also aromantic, which is the same but for romantic emotions," I explained briefly.
Alastor blinked again. "Ah. Hm. That is… well."
"I think ya broke him, sweetpea," Rosie stage-whispered across the table.
I opened my mouth, only for my phone to start blaring 'Entrance of the Gladiators'. "...I should take this. Rosie, mind keeping an eye on Al while you give Charlie a bare-bones of the current politics of the ring? I figure you'll want to set up more meetings here and in town for any further discussion."
"Oh, like you even need to ask, darlin'. So Charlie, let's start with me and Al and work our way down-"
Charlie leaned forward, intent, while Alastor's brain continued to visibly reboot from the life-changing information Rosie and I dropped on him.
I waited until I was in the greenhouse with the door shut to hit answer. "Dad? What's up?"
"Heeeey bitch!"
I blinked. "Eh?"
"Howww are ya, haha?"
I blinked again. "Are you… drunk?"
"Wh- uh- no! Nope! Not at all! So how are you? Uh where, are you exactly?" His voice turned hesitant at the end.
"Charlie's Hotel, not far from the center of Pentagram. I've done a little stabilizing and refurbishing with Cain's help. I'm doing alright; I introduced Charlie to Rosie so she can learn a bit of the political landscape of Pride. This'll help with her running this place as well as dealing with the populace."
"O-oh! You sure are uh doing stuff! That is- wow!" He gave an uneasy laugh. "Rosie meaning Cannibal Town Rosie? That Rosie?"
"Yes. Cain and I provided her with plants that can grow human body parts, so Hell is now home to the first ever commune of vegan cannibals. Shortly after, Dahmer left and I disposed of him accordingly. They never liked him much anyways," I murmured, sotto voice.
"Golly. That sure is nice, kid." The surprise and unease gave way to a warm sense of pride. "So uh, I did have a reason to call you. A good one!"
"It's okay if you didn't." I smiled a little. "I don't mind talking to you."
"Uh, um, right!" I clearly had him off guard. "Wow this is different from last night."
"I'm usually a lot more put together," I confessed. "And you did help me out of a bit of a funk."
"Oh." Now he sounded touched. "Well, good. Um, but there is actually something I wanted to talk about that might make you a little upset."
"Is this an over-the phone conversation or something to discuss in person?"
"Well it- you don't need to come over, it's fine-"
I closed my eyes and focused on the waves connecting my phone to his. "Mmhm. Be right there."
Lucifer stared as his son appeared in a whirlwind of petals right in his study. His duck-drowned study. His altar of shame, showing pictures of a happy family he'd all but lost.
Merlin looked around, blinking slowly. "You were not kidding about doing mostly ducks lately. At least the garden was a change of pace?" he offered, hanging up his phone.
The King of Hell just hung up, because this was his life now. Angels teleporting into his workroom on a whim, almost like back when creation started. Except then he was the one hopping in other people's rooms and demanding attention.
Though this time he did demand attention, just-
He blinked as Merlin put his hands on his shoulders. "You good?" Golden eyes, just like his eldest brother's, stared into his with worry.
"I- yes. I'm fine. It's getting late, you didn't need to come all the way here." Lucifer straightened his jacket and steeled his nerves.
Merlin smiled. "Maybe I wanted to see you again."
"Already? What for?" Lucifer blinked.
"Having a parent that actually wants me around is a novel experience. I think it's nice."
And now he wanted to dropkick that peasant he'd nut in centuries ago again. Look at this boy! Look at him! He's a perfectly good boy and that bitch gave him anxiety! (Also his beloved wife, but she had no real concept of right or wrong so he forgave her mostly. If Merlin managed to forgive her, then he'd forgive her all the way.)
"Right! So uh, I wanted to explain a couple things I saw when I looked through you last night." And that sounded bad. "Mostly things that you'd probably want context for."
With a wave of his hand, Merlin cleared off a chair of its duck occupants, sending them to land on a barely-open table. "Alright." He leaned on the tea table with a slight frown.
Lucifer sat across from him. "Right. So. Charlie was on purpose, and not to save our marriage. She was basically a miracle."
Merlin blinked rapidly. "Um. Okay."
"Lilith and I- we were good. Definitely then, and up till 7 years ago I had no idea anything was wrong. She took care of me, and I did my best to be here for her and Charlie." Lucifer inhaled deeply, and blew out a breath. "She's cursed. Like, her womb. When we left Eden, Tiriel - one of the Elders - said any child of hers would be stillborn."
Merlin froze. His eyes went wide, mouth open. "Oh."
"Right. And Charlie wasn't… an exception. I cheated by breathing life into her, but we waited that long because we were scared. And we never tried again since." Lucifer fiddled with his hands. "We both wanted her. And from my perspective, we both wanted you."
"Because adopting was better than the gamble," Merlin murmured, eyes flickering. "'You have precious blood, child. Take care not to spill it.' That's what she said on meeting me."
"Right? So why kill you?" Lucifer wrung his hands. "It doesn't- it makes no sense. There was a lot of angelic power happening while you were building Camelot, but Lilith focused on you. She seemed to want you here, with us, badly."
Merlin leaned back in his chair. "It will be like dying, but only for a little bit. Then you'll be home in Hell."
Lucifer processed that. "Oh Lil. You Do Not Say That to a Barely-Not Toddler. Nope, No. Nuh uh." He buried his face in his hands.
"...so every time she made a move on me was to bring me here. And when I got here…"
Something connected for Lucifer. "Holy smokes. The day she came home smelling like smoke - you totally blasted her across Pentagram." He gawked.
"It's high time you stop being so rebellious and come home. Fuck. Dad, in full disrespect: what the fuck is wrong with your wife?" Merlin glowered.
"Wellll. She kind of came like that? No fruit required." He shrugged.
"...no fruit. She has no idea of right or wrong, just independence, intelligence, cunning, and self-determination. She's not immoral, she's amoral." Merlin let out a low groan. "So much makes sense."
"Yup! So yeah, Cain was right in that we were both working with half the picture. Uh, given she doesn't really lie to me - ever, I asked her and she keeps her promises to me - whatever went down in Camelot was uh. Not her." Lucifer frowned, shifting. "I… the power I felt down here was enough for me to know it wasn't just you."
Merlin's brow furrowed. "So you're telling me someone up top has it out for me? Or had."
"Yeah. Not my siblings. Maybe an Elder? I doubt Adam would. Even at that point he had a hard-line against hurting kids. He was the first father, you know." Lucifer gave a wry smile. "Don't know if that's changed. All of us… we've been through a lot, even now. It took over ten thousand years for the man you've seen to become who he is. Same as me and Lilith." He sighed. "To say nothing of Eve… wherever she is."
"So… Adam may not be as bad as advertised?" Merlin asked, trying to change the subject.
"HA! No. He's a bloodthirsty misogynistic bag of dicks. Whoever he used to be - and I did love him back then, no lie - is far and away from who he is now." Lucifer looked away and turned up his nose, lips pinched in a scowl. "I hoped he'd be nicer to Charlie than me at the Extermination closing, but given that it's now bi-annual I doubt that took."
"Oh, that's because someone killed an Exorcist with divine steel."
Lucifer slowly opened an eye. "Who did the what now."
"I mean. I do fully intend to wipe them out in a torrent of celestial lightning the next time they show up, so the timer is really more on their part." Merlin shrugged, and as sparks of white bolts flowed over his shoulders Lucifer came to a startling realization.
His son took after Michael. His 'I will not strike you unless you give me no choice, but I will do so decisively', his 'I will be your rock and your sun, and you may always turn to me for guidance and safety', his 'I love you and if the Elders dare mock you again I will remind them why I am feared' brother.
He hadn't been there when Serathiel's forces kicked him and Lilith off the clouds at spearpoint. He's not one hundred percent sure the militia would have survived if he had been.
And now a mini-Michael who preferred playing advisor had decided he and Charlie were neat. Along with any number of sinners.
Oh boy.
…Charlie was one thing; he had Lilith to help (see: do the heavy lifting) there. Here? He might actually need to call his siblings. For the first time since Eden.
A/N: This has been written for like two weeks and I got Chapter 7 and the first scene of Chapter 8 written. Posting time! The song is a revamp of Ruthlessness from Epic: The Musical.
Content Warnings: Angel's porn vid, Valentino, Valentino, Valentino, Alastor is the Radio Demon. Did I mention Valentino?
____________________________________________________
"OhH DaDDY-!"
I gave a slow blink at the frankly awful movie on the television.
"Not really doin' anything for me," Cain muttered in my ear. I nodded quietly.
"What? It's show and tell! I'm showin' you my best film, and I'm tellin' you it scored me a win over that bitch Tiffany Titfucker." Angel folded his arms from his perch on the couch.
Husk glanced over from the bar. "Hm. Your acting's fine, but whoever your scriptwriter is deserves to be fired."
Angel gave an exaggerated gasp of outrage. "How dare you! Well. Yeah." He shrugged. "Travis can't write for shit, but he's the only one who took the gig."
"Also? That top sucks. He's passed selfish into just… flailing. I'm amazed that bite landed on your ass." I crossed my legs with a disdainful sniff. "If this won awards, it was certainly in spite of your coworker rather than because of it."
"Yanno, I can't tell if youse guys are bein' nice or assholes," Angel mused.
"Can we please turn it off?" Charlie whispered.
Vaggie hid her face in a pillow.
"So Husk, what's your read?" Angel asked with a quirked brow. After their excursion into the woods, they seemed closer than before.
"I'm a bartender, not a media analyst."
"Heh!"
Husk gave him a flat stare. "You want a read on any of these fucks who bitch and moan, you got it. Wolf boy's never had one poured out here so all I can say is: Ambrose is right. His technique's shit. I'm amazed there's no blood onscreen."
Angel took on a mischievous expression. "Ohhh? Do tell!"
Husk sauntered over, pointing at each of us in turn. "That lonely insecure buffoon watches y'all sleep." Sir Pentious. "The princess? Bleeding heart who focuses on everyone's problems but her own."
"Whaaaat me? Nooo." Charlie grimaced, flapping her hands away from her. Pentious just cringed with a sheepish smile.
"This one judges everyone and everything because she hates herself," Husk continued, pointing at Vaggie.
The former Exorcist let out a groaning growl, only for Charlie to pull her head into her lap and start petting her hair.
"Him? He's latched on to the worst day of his life as a core piece of himself because someone up top told him he'd never escape it." Husk pointed at Cain, and I began to bristle.
Cain looked away, but I took his hand in mine. He smiled, relaxing.
"And Ambrose? He's got abandonment issues out the ass, and makes himself hypercompetent so he's indispensable."
I gave an icy smile.
"Niffty? You don't wanna know her deal."
Niffty put a finger to her lips and smirked.
Husk tilted his bottle at Angel. "Satisfied?"
"And of course we have Husk, left by everyone he loved - including his wife and kids - because of his gambling addiction. He's looked for answers in the bottom of a bottle ever since. Found them yet?" I asked airily.
Husk snorted. "No, and you damn well know it."
"Still can't tell if you guys are old friends or hate each other," Angel muttered.
I shrugged. "It varies. I snipe, but I don't wish him genuine harm."
"Hm. Yeah, that about covers it." Husk nodded in my direction.
It was at that moment Angel's phone began to vibrate in his hand, and his eyes went wide. "Uh. I gotta take this." He put it to his ear and walked away, into the foyer. "Hey Val, I- yeah, I'll just- no, of cour- sure, sure! I'll be there in- yep!" He kept speaking quickly, cutting himself off to answer whatever the other person was saying. "Right! See you in a few! Bye!" His shoulders were rigid.
"Angel?" Charlie wore a concerned look, briefly looking at me for guidance. I could only stare grimly back.
"Ahhh, shucks. Guess I'll miss out on everyone else's thing, got an emergency shoot." He gave us a bright smile. "Don't wait up for me, alright?" He put on a pair of bedazzled pink sunglasses.
Husk took a drink. "You gonna be good?"
"Always fantastic, hun. Perfect ain't easy, but it's what I gotta be!"
"Angel… do you think your boss would give you some time off? We're running out of time, and-" Charlie didn't get in his way, to her benefit.
"Charlie, babe, I get you wanna fix things but this isn't one of 'em. Unless you can fix my boss? Nah. Sorry, I'll see if I can stick it out a little longer later." Angel strode out the door.
It closed with a click.
"Can I kill moth-boy now?" I asked plaintively.
Charlie didn't answer. Didn't even look at me.
"Charlie…?" Husk's eyes were wide.
"Charlie, listen. However bad Valentino is-" Vaggie began, getting up next to her.
"He's one of the worst. That's what you and Cain said, right Husk?" Charlie looked back at me. "And Angel… he was scared. He didn't really want to go."
I nodded. "Good work picking that up. He was hiding it rather well." I sighed. "He's been playing with a loophole in his contract. Val owns him - in the studio. I couldn't find the exact amount of time he had to spend there, but outside Angel is technically a free man."
"Oooh. Do we get to get a bad boy?" Niffty perked up.
Cain looked lost. Confused. Then realization set in, and his brow furrowed in anger.
"...no. No, we won't." Charlie turned to me. "But I do want to talk to Valentino, and I don't want to do it alone."
"Princesss- Charlie-" Sir Pentious rubbed his hands together. "If you wish to have a shot at diplomacy, I would suggessst against Alassstor. He would prick Valentino'sss pride for amusssement. And that man isss…" He shuddered. "Easssily angered."
"That's what Am told me too," Cain rumbled softly. "If you get him riled up where he has power over Angel, Angel could get really hurt."
Charlie looked at me. "Merlin. Do you have a way to contact Cherri Bomb?"
I tilted my head. "I could. It would take some looking sideways and a phone call, but I could have her meet you there."
Charlie exhaled. "Alastor. I know you're watching."
"Hmmm." He coalesced from shadows between windows, sunlight on either side. "How curious. If you don't intend to bring me, whatever could you wish for, my dear?"
"I need to borrow Husk's services for the day." Charlie looked directly at him.
"Oh, is that all? Certainly! He'll gladly be of whatever help you ask of him. Within reason, of course." Alastor grinned at Husk.
Husk looked at Charlie with a calculating gaze. "Yeah. I'm in." An undercurrent of respect laced his tone. He saw the pitfall Charlie had neatly avoided with asking Alastor first, most likely.
"So Cherri, Husk-" I ticked off my fingers.
"And you. If things go bad, I want you there." Charlie folded her arms.
I blinked. It wasn't an execution order, but very much an implicit threat. She was making a power move against a Vee.
I slowly smiled. "As you wish, highness."
Alastor let out a maniacal giggle.
"Charlie…" Vaggie stood up, worry clear on her face.
"Nobody's going to die. Not permanently." Charlie spoke with sheer confidence. "But after today, things will change for Angel. So long as Valentino has him and hurts him, he can't heal."
"You got something you can do to keep Valentino from coming after him? If he's alive, he's going to make trouble no matter what. And I can't see him just letting you have what you want for free." Cain frowned, worried.
"Your aggressive kindness won't work here, Charlie." Alastor's tone was, for once, devoid of mockery.
"Then I'll just need to put our dad's rule of diplomacy in place." She looked out the window.
"Meaning?"
She gave a grim, nervous smile. "Don't take shit from other demons."
Alastor grinned back. "Then remember to smile, my dear. You're not dressed without one."
Charlie bared her teeth.
"Good girl."
Vaggie held herself, looking worried.
"Vaggie, I need you here in case things go bad-bad. You, Cain, and Alastor."
An Exorcist, the Radio Demon, and Cain. Three heavy hitters. At the studio, Charlie, myself, and Husk - who she knew packed Overlord-tier power. She was making a battle plan.
Vaggie straightened up. "Right. Pentious? Get your big gun out of storage, and we'll get your Eggs to-"
"I'll simplify things and move it myself, dear. How is the range on it, my good man?" Alastor looked to Sir Pentious.
Pentious stood up. "It issss unfortunately short-ranged, but the artillery I made for the Hotel is in place and ready for the Egg Boiz and Gurlz to fire. We sshall not be caught flat-footed, I assure you!"
"Right. Cain, Get some hedge rows down the main path. You'll be able to strike from those, and Alastor can make use of any shadow cover." Vaggie addressed the two remaining demons.
"On it." Cain got up and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Take care of 'em, Am."
Alastor just smiled and vanished.
"Niffty… grab something sharp and hide. If it's not one of us and is attacking one of us-"
"STAB."
"Exactly." Vaggie smirked.
Charlie nodded. "Merlin, make the call. I'll have Razzle and Dazzle meet the three of us out front, and Cherri can meet us there." She leaned forward and kissed Vaggie on the lips briefly, brushing her hair to the side.
Husk tipped his hat. "Alright then." He seemed surprisingly calm.
I just pulled out my phone and started to pull up the number for Cherri. "And off we go."
"Charlie!?" "Uh, my name's Rocky-" "Who gives a shit. Move!"
Angel shoved the burly demon off of him and snatched up a bathrobe, walking quickly to the door. Charlie waited quietly, Husk and Cherri at her sides.
Merlin had already begun to prowl through the room like some great hunting-beast, eyes aglow. No one reacted to him, meaning he was cloaked in an illusion or something.
"Charlie, what the fuck are you doing here?" Angel whispered, eyes wide. The fear Charlie saw earlier gave way to terror, and it made her heart plummet into her stomach.
"Angel, what is the fucking hold up!?"
He pushed her back toward the door. "Uh, coming!"
"Not off camera you're not!"
"Angel, listen - I need to talk to your boss. You're visibly stressed, you don't want to be here-" Charlie rattled off, glancing behind Angel for any sign of movement.
"No! Charlie, look, we can do whatever hotel stuff later, but right now you have to go-" Angel gently but firmly kept moving her back.
"Ohhh. A visitor? Angel, you didn't tell me you invited friends."
"Shit," Angel breathed.
Cherri's eye narrowed. "I can hit him with a high grade and by the time he's recovered, we'll be halfway across Pentagram," she muttered.
Husk grunted. "Not good enough."
"Well well, if it isn't Lucifer's little princesa." Valentino sashayed closer.
He wore red-tinted heart-shaped sunglasses, a long red coat, and dark clothes. Gold rings and necklaces, a garish top hat, and a ruff Charlie wasn't sure was artificial or part of his body. His head was smooth, and one of his antennae lacked the fluff of the other.
His teeth were stained red, and Charlie could smell the sickly sweet stuff that clung to them.
Valentino reached out and pulled her closer by the arm. "Welcome to my humble sex dungeon, highness." (And there was the mockery.) He stuck his embarrassingly long tongue out, made to roll up her sleeve-
And Merlin appeared, eyes flashing a brilliant gold. "Good day and salutations, my good sir! Ambrose, Ambrose the Hawk at your service!" He grinned widely, banded wings fluttering. He grasped Valentino's other hand, and without so much as a wince of strain he hauled the Overlord off of Charlie and into his space. "Oh you are a tall one! Rather spindly, though. Not much meat on your bones, chum?"
Valentino opened his mouth in a snarl, then saw who had manhandled him. He settled for a grit-toothed smile. "Charmed, I'm sure!" he squeaked out.
"Lovely! Well, the King recently took me into his employ and I would dearly hate to report his daughter had been dosed with that saliva of yours. Rather unfortunate stuff, key ingredient in little Regina's potions no?" Ambrose gave a deliberate pause. "Ah yes, she goes by Velvette now, doesn't she? It's been so long I plum forgot!" He bared his teeth, no sign of his pupils remaining.
Valentino went still. "No. No, that wouldn't do at all." He glanced at Angel, hackles up.
Merlin gave his hand a single pump. "Jolly good! Now that we're acquainted, I'm sure my primary employer has much to say and share with you! You should be honored, after all a woman of her station rarely has time for such niceties!"
Insults, veiled threats, all under a veneer of paper-thin charm and manners. It took Charlie a moment to understand that he had tried to drug her. She looked at Valentino's mouth, at Angel, and remembered the vial Angel had willingly thrown out not a week ago. The same red-pink as Valentino's teeth.
Inhale. Exhale. "Well, as you know my hotel focuses on redemption as a house of healing. Of course, it's not a quick process but demands a certain level of commitment."
"What, Angelcakes isn't putting in the time? Going to kick him out?" Valentino's demeanor changed, an almost predatory anticipation coming over him.
"No, but you were in the middle of something. We can discuss it while you work, can't we?"
Valentino looked from her, to Husk, to Cherri, to Merlin. His eyes darted to Angel. "Of course we can," he muttered, glaring. His fake smile redoubled. "So! Who are your friends?"
"Husk is the hotel's bartender, and Cherri Bomb is a personal friend of mine. I've never been to an establishment like yours, so I asked for them to accompany me."
Husk gave Angel a long look before glancing at Charlie. He nodded.
"'Sright. Told the princess weren't shit to fuss about." Cherri thumbed her waist thoughtfully, and Charlie knew she was waiting for a chance to blast Valentino sky-high.
"Of course! Well, come on in and make yourselves comfortable. TRAVIS! CHAIRS!" Valentino paused by Angel, giving him a hard look. "Come along, amorcito. Your stage awaits."
Charlie sat herself next to the Overlord. She looked at the assorted men there, frowning a little. "So… who is Angel's partner for the day?"
"Oh, all of them! Angel Dust likes a good challenge, and he's more than ready to take them all on." Valentino grinned. "You know, if you wanted to star in a film-"
"No thank you." Charlie refused to give an inch. Not this time. "The offer is appreciated." She folded her hands in her lap.
"Hmph. Best watch those cables. That's a fire waiting to happen." Husk nodded at an absolute rats' nest of cords, many of which were exposed.
"Oooh, is it an obstacle course? So many tripwires." Merlin leaned over Valentino's shoulder, hand on his chair. "Maybe we should make the lunks do a few laps on camera. Put Angel in a sexy ringmaster's outfit, that could be fun. Maybe even give him a whip."
"Oh, that's not his scene!" Valentino protested in a falsetto, rage building.
Angel kept looking at them with deep concern, even as one of the larger actors pushed him down.
It was then that a sinner holding a boom mic moved within stepping distance of a wire - and Charlie didn't need to be psychic to know what would happen.
With the faint scent of flowers in the air, the cable wound around the sinner's ankle, and the floor flickered with a momentary shine.
He fell. The mic smashed into the ground. The cord pulled.
Sparks and flame ensued.
It caught on everything, on carpet and clothes and-
Charlie stood on her chair quickly. "What-" She put her hands over her mouth, hoping she feigned surprise.
"Oh oopsie. Looks like Husk was onto something. Poor clumsy dear." Merlin's guileless expression sent Charlie's nerves skittering.
And suddenly - a gust of crimson. A single flap of Valentino's wings extinguished the flames, only for them to drop back into a cape.
"Valentino, this is unprecedented- is everyone alright? Is there anything I can do to help?" Charlie didn't need to feign concern. Merlin went and started a huge fire, what the fuck-
He bit back a snarl, forcing a smile. "No need to worry! We've got people for that. Angel? In your dressing room." He walked ahead, and Angel took one last scared look at Charlie before following.
"Rare he's so subdued, no?" Merlin's voice dropped all pretense, turning low and dark.
"Fucker. What's your game?" Cherri leaned in. "If he hurts Angie-"
"Charlie has a choice to make." Merlin opened his hand as Valentino closed the door. "I'm just giving her the information to do so."
"You rat bastard," Husk breathed. "You haven't changed a bit."
And then came light.
Val, please- ah!
The sound of flesh hitting flesh.
Did you think you could get away with it? Get Lucifer's little bitch to fight your battles for you?
No, Val, she just gets into everything-
There's nothing she can do to help. Or did you forget that I own you?
The rustle of paper.
No, Val.
I say come, you say?
Yes, Val.
I say you're fucking twenty guys before lunch, you say?
Yes, Valentino.
I say you get that CUNT out of my studio, you say?
Val-
YOU. SAY.
Val, please! Look, I'll get her to leave, just don't hurt her!
Charlie drew a sharp breath. Angel… was protecting her? After she came here, after she put him in danger…? From… this?
"Turn it off. Kill him or don't, that's your thing. You have no right-" Husk bristled.
"Someone has to pull off the curtain. This is the kind of person who runs Hell, Charlie. There are few ways to change it." Merlin tilted his head.
I've KILLED bitches for less than the attitude you're showing me! You're lucky you make me money! Now get out there, get rid of her, and after we are filming! All! Night! Get me?
…yes, Valentino.
Good boy.
Merlin closed his hand. "Nothing that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been here," he said smoothly. "He would simply have found another excuse." His eyes gleamed.
"And what happens if she decides to cry and run," Cherri snarled lowly.
"Then I will deal with it as I see fit. And no one will have the right to complain."
…he would kill Valentino. Forever. This was the entire plan. To show her how awful, how foul, how irredeemable he was. To prove a point.
"And if I ordered you not to?" Charlie looked up at him, firming her stance.
Merlin blinked slowly. "Then I am unsure of what you would have me do. Valentino will not let Angel go so long as he lives. I cannot simply sunder his contract. I could torture him into madness. Lock him in stasis and bury him forever. But killing is the kindest."
And it… clicked. Killing Valentino was an answer. But it wasn't the only one. This was a test.
Charlie stared as the door flew open, Valentino storming out with Angel's arm in his grip. He flung her friend on the oversized bed. "Alright! Let's take it from the top!"
Angel looked up, his chest fluff pushed down, a black eye shining on his face- and it all became crystal clear.
Angel got up, got ready to put himself between Charlie and Valentino- and couldn't.
Charlie walked over, and as she did… a strange tune started to play. It wasn't the twinkly, soft music she used to coax Sir Pentious. It wasn't the excited pop or bold tunes he associated with her. A rushing sound like wind or waves, and piano cascading ever higher-
And she punched Valentino in the torso, folding him in half - launching him clear across the room. His body sent cracks spiderwebbing across the wall.
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
It was flames. Fire erupted from Charlie's body, encircling the bed- keeping him safe. Angel shook in- fear? Awe? He'd never seen this from her, not once.
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
MORNINGSTAR
Charlie exhaled embers, eyes burning red. Her horns gleamed in the firelight. "In all my years of livin', it's not often that I get pissed off. I try to stay in my lane, but damn you've crossed the li-ine."
She vanished, and reappeared in a burst of fire- gripping Val by the neck. Angel struggled to his feet, tangled in blankets.
"I've been so gra-cious, and yet you've hurt this friend of mine - that's right, the spider that you've maligned - is mine."
"Shit," Valentino gasped, fumbling for a pistol from his pocket.
"I'm left without a choice!" She held her hand out, and fire bloomed into a golden-pointed trident. "And without a doubt!"
Valentino screamed as she hacked his arm off with a single swipe, the wound cauterized before blood could flow. If it grew back, it would take-
"Looks like this stupid moth's flown into the flame now! I'm gonna make you bleed! Bring it crashing down! Because it's thanks to you I finally understand how- RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!"
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES
"Ruth-less-ness is mercy upon ourselves- ourselves!" Charlie flung him again, and he crashed into the pile of wires. Like snakes, they came alive and bound him.
Angel saw Merlin circling behind Charlie, eyes glowing with intent.
"You are the worst kind of foul because you're so small. Your deeds just feed on the helpless, making them fall! You trample and use them for all of your fun. You totally could have avoided all this if you'd stopped what you'd done."
Charlie surged forward in a tide of crimson hellfire, snarling. "But NOOOO. I've been far too nice! Mercy has a price! We're at the final crack, it's time to break the ice now!"
Chains spun out from Valentino, landing around the necks of everyone in the room - save four people. Even more stretched further from the building, shackles of crimson smoke.
"Could have let him leave, could have let them live - but now if it's mercy I've got none left to give 'cause RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES."
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES
"Yeah ruth-less-ness is mercy upon ourselves! Ourselves!"
The chains started to feel… unreal. Lighter, somehow. Angel's eyes widened. Could she? Would she? Was this…?
"Now it's finally time to say goodbye, today it dies- unless of course you apologize for my friend's pain and all his crieees?" Charlie held her trident at Valentino's throat, eyes slowly turning to yellow again. A small, sickly hope in her expression.
Angel shivered, but Merlin was there, in his ear: "One last test," he breathed.
"Mornin'star it's no real harm, I get our work can be alarmin', sometimes there's pleasure with some pain, I promise that it's all humane…!" Valentino squirmed like a worm on a hook, trapped in sparking wire, contracts exposed, encircled by flame.
A brief moment, where the hope shattered.
"The line between naïveté and hopefulness is nearly invisible."
Her eyes blazed once more.
"So I close my heart, 'cause yours is dark and ruth-less-ness…"
She lowered her trident to the nexus of chains.
"Fly."
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OUR-
FREEDOM, FREEDOM
The chains erupted, scattering, shattering, flying from Valentino's grip and dissolving into the smoke from their birth.
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OUR-
FREEDOM, FREEDOM
Charlie stumbled back, eyes wide but resolute. She clung to her trident even as smoke dispersed upon the flames.
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OUR-
FREEDOM, FREEDOM
Valentino shrieked, jaws snapping at the power flowing from him in a vain attempt to recapture it. "Pathetic," Merlin purred in Angel's ear, knees pressing the bedding down. "Seeing him squirm- isn't it delightful?"
RUTH-LESS-NESS IS MERCY UPON OUR-
FREEDOM, FREEDOM-!
And it was done. Angel could breathe. Everyone in the room stumbled, hand to throat. Valentino stared up at Charlie, the sappy, happy princess of Hell.
She didn't look happy now. Or sappy. Just… grimly satisfied.
"What have you done?" Valentino choked out.
Inside every demon is a rainbow…
"No more souls left under your command…" Charlie replied, eyes gleaming in the firelight.
Inside every sinner is a shi-ny smile…
"I could never turn you rou-ound… there was no way you'd be Heaven-bou-ound…" The trident vanished. In its place… a scroll of gold.
"Sign."
The cables dropped.
Valentino didn't hesitate, rushing to put his name to the paper with a provided pen.
"Y-you- this means you won't hurt me, right?" The proud Overlord quivered. Terrified. Shamed. Broken.
"I won't. I won't help you either. And in exchange… your ability to make deals is gone."
Valentino's eyes shot wide.
"Valentino of the Vees… by my authority as Princess of Hell, I strip you of your Overlord status. What your victims make of you is their decision. Maybe they'll show you mercy. Maybe they'll be better than you." Charlie knelt to his level. "But that's not my problem anymore. I have a friend to get home." She looked in his eyes. "I'd say that if you wanted redemption, you could come - but that's not who you are. Is it?" She stood.
Angel looked at Merlin.
He grinned wildly, eyes glowing with joy.
"Merlin."
Valentino wheezed.
Charlie turned to face them. "Angel. Let's go home." She gave a soft, hopeful smile, offering a hand.
Angel didn't know what to do. What to feel. He felt numb. But… but he knew one thing.
He reached out a hand, taking hers. Merlin helped him to his feet.
Angel looked to Husk and Cherri.
Husk watched Charlie as though he'd never seen her before, like she was someone wholly alien.
Cherri cackled, clapping excitedly. "Fuckin' amazing, bitch! That's what a damn royal looks like!"
Merlin entered Angel's view, and put a hand on Charlie's shoulder. "Excellently done, my liege. Beyond all hope and expectation." The pride in his voice was unmistakable. The respect.
And as Charlie pulled him along, keeping him grounded as he left his personal Hell behind and the world opened up before him…
"I'm not Queen yet, Merlin. I've got a long way to go." She gave him a firm look. "We both do."
Merlin inclined his head. "I apologize. Next time, I'll tell you what my goals are."
"I'll believe it when it happens." Not a rebuttal. A statement. One of faith.
"C'mon, man. Let's get you outta here." Husk's low voice was comforting, and Cherri's hand slipped wordlessly into his.
Merlin offered another, wordless apology by way of a gentle grip on his upper arm.
Angel let out a shuddering breath, held in his skin by Husk's paw on his back, Merlin's on his shoulder, and Charlie and Cherri leading him by the hands.
"I can't fucking believe this," Vox snarled, pacing the boardroom.
"Well it certainly happened." Velvette scrolled through her phone, keeping an eye on the socials of all Val's employees. No one had said anything yet. She wasn't sure what that meant.
Princess Priss might think that the wretches Val kept chained might rise above, but Velvette knew better. Valentino was currently tasting what it was like to work under him. Not that she could blame them, no- but it was bloody inconvenient.
Now it was time to see what Vox would do. That would determine next steps.
"We can't let Lucifer's brat just- walk in and destroy Overlords! For what, a whore's sake?" Vox turned on Velvette. "And you! Val was one of us. Don't you feel anything?"
"Yes, Vox, but right now I am watching to see if any of Val's peons have said anything. We need to do damage control. Ambrose is still a present threat, Alastor exists, and the princess isn't nearly as harmless as we thought. Add to that, and look who else is at that no-tell hotel." Velvette flicked to Angel Dust's feed and pulled up a post.
A picture of Angel posing against the green giant who they had seen in Ambrose's company not weeks past, giving an awkward smile and wave. The picture named him as Cain. Velvette didn't believe in coincidences, not down here. She couldn't afford to.
Velvette had a strange relationship with the other Vs. She wasn't in whatever situationship Vox and Val had, and as a result was their… third wheel? Fag hag? Regardless, while she was fond it wasn't whatever they were in.
Though she would have thought Vox would at least pull Val's ass out of whatever he got into.
"Wait. That fucker is Cain? The first murderer?" Vox boggled at her phone, then began to laugh hysterically. "Oh, what, now you're gonna tell me Carmine's gonna back that shithole too? Or wait, Zestial? Oh, oh, how about Lucifer and Lilith finally deciding to give a shit."
"Strictly speaking, he already does. Or do you not recall his response to the bounty you put on his son's head?" Velvette managed not to bristle, but it was close. As bad as Ambrose - fucking Merlin, the damn wizard of wizards - was, Lucifer was another level. They'd beg for death.
"FUCK YOU!" Vox spat, screen sparking blue. "You know what? Maybe I should take a leaf outta Alastor's book!"
Velvette frowned, lowering her phone. "What, exactly, do you mean?"
"I MEAN maybe I should have a broadcast! Tell all the Overlords just what Lucifer's little girl can do - and give them all a common enemy."
Well that settled it. Vox had gone over the deep end, and the Vees were already done. Without Valentino, they lost a significant amount of manpower and a stark source of income. Velvette manipulated their socials, set trends, and got information. Vox controlled the mass media output, along with a variety of income streams. Val was the lynchpin of the sex trade.
If Vox went live, any reason Alastor and Merlin had to play with kid gloves was gone - and Merlin would come for her first.
Best case scenario? She died. To be perfectly honest, she'd prefer it to living in abject misery like Val was doomed to now. Unless of course someone took pity on him and ended it definitively. Or just thought death was worse for some inane reason. Either or.
Truthfully, there was one out. She didn't care for it - she did like her boys, after all. But they played the game and lost. She wouldn't bow her head to someone lesser, but in one move Charlie had definitively won - and whether it was lip service or honest, she preferred mercy. Working in her bounds would be annoying, but doable. And Merlin had proven that those who followed his own desires would be properly rewarded. His little charade in Cannibal Town had shown that.
Velvette slipped her phone away. "Well, if that is your decision then I certainly can't contest it. The situation won't be easy to manage without Valentino, but we'll make do."
Vox scoffed. "Of course we will! We're gonna remind those little shits just who runs Pentagram!"
Idiot. "Of course. I've got just the thing, too." Velvette smirked. "It will take a little bit, but it should do the trick."
"Ha! Knew I could count on you." Sure he could. "I'm gonna head down to the set and get things ready." Good to know.
Velvette stood and gave a careless wave. "See you on the flip side, then."
"Yeah! When I'm done, Alastor's little pet won't know what hit her!"
Goodbye, Vox. Goodbye, Val. It was fun - but it was business.
Ugh. She hoped she didn't have to make nice with Carmine, at least.
Shock. We did just upend his afterlife in one move.
Alastor raised a brow at me from the shadows, and I nodded once. His smile widened.
"Angel?" Cain frowned in concern.
"I uh." Angel shivered. "I think I need to lay down for a bit." He gave a quivering smile. "Just, uh. Yeah."
I glanced at Alastor, then at the kitchen. He gave a nod. I snapped my fingers. "Niffty?"
She scurried out. "Yes?"
"Make something light and easy to eat for Angel and bring it up to his room once he's settled. Hard to make a mess of, if possible."
"Light and easy to eat, got it!" Niffty scurried back in, and the click of the toaster could be heard.
Angel started making his way to the stairs.
"Cherri, do you mind…?" Charlie asked.
Cherri nodded, a pensive look on her face. "...thought he'd be happier," she murmured when Angel went up.
"Well, he was definitively freed from a tormentor who held him for years. An adjustment period is to be expected of course!" Alastor chimed in, stepping into the light.
"Hmmm. He hasss Fat Nuggetsss up there with him, so that ssshould help. Maybe?" Pentious touched his chin with a worried frown. "I think Charlie has the right idea - you're his besssst friend, ssso he'll be calmer with you."
Cherri crossed her arms. "I just- look. Valentino's gone. He's done for. Shit, the only way he could be more done for is if he was dead."
"He's not?" Alastor blinked at me in surprise.
"...Charlie?" Vaggie's hesitant call made me look at her.
Charlie held herself. "I did the right thing… right?" she whispered.
I stepped up. "Yes. Angel's wounds run deep, and now that he's safe he doesn't know how to deal with them. Valentino hurt him on a mental and emotional level that will take a very long time to recover from. It's more than likely that he will need a lot of support in the coming days." I looked to Cherri Bomb. "I understand that you have no desire to be here long-term, but it might help to have someone he trusts and loves unconditionally to act as a bridge to the rest of us."
"You don't even need to ask. Don't expect me to do hand-holding la-di-dah bullshit, and I'll do the rest." Cherri punched her palm. "I'll keep the dingus company while he decompresses, assuming he lets me." She followed Angel up.
"Charlie, Merlin - what happened?" Vaggie put her hands on Charlie's arms, just shy of hugging her.
Charlie looked down, not meeting her eyes.
"Charlie sundered every contract Valentino held. Then she forced him into signing one of his own - in exchange for an end in her personal interference in his life, he could no longer offer or sign any other contracts. He is a normal sinner forever, now." I placed both hands on my cane, back straight.
"Goodness." Alastor's eyes shone with interest.
"It's because I'm the Princess. My dad can't change Hell's original laws, but he does have power of pardoning and condemning. So I can't stop a contract from happening, but I can still break it after. But if a contract says it's exclusive-" Charlie stopped. "It gets complicated, but it seemed like the best compromise to get Angel free."
"Huh. That's a lot better than I expected." Vaggie lifted a hand and cupped Charlie's cheek. "You did good, Sweetheart."
"I concur! After all, there's no Overlord knocking at our gate, so it clearly stuck!" Alastor's excitement was wholly sincere. "An excellent power play, masterfully done. You rescued your friend, defanged his oppressor, and ensured he would not come behind you. All the better that you kept to your own personal code."
Cain walked over and wrapped Charlie and Vaggie in a gentle bear hug. "It's gonna be okay, Charlie. It'll take time, but now we have it. You-"
There was a sharp rap on the door - high, rhythmic, and fast. With a beat.
Alastor narrowed his eyes, but that was the only sign he gave.
I crooked a finger, and the door opened.
Standing in a fashionable heart-patterned long coat with her hair in a high tail was Velvette, one hand raised to knock and the other holding her phone. "Oh good, you're all here. Saves me time."
Cain set the girls down. "Time for what?" he asked cautiously. "And who are you?"
She eyed Cain for a moment. "Velvette, formerly of the Vees - such as we are now. With Valentino gone, it's all over but the crying. Thing is, I've no intention on shedding tears because I bloody well warned him not to cross you lot and now he's paid the price." She walked up to me, to my surprise. "Right, wizard man. Who's in charge - you or the Princess?"
I lowered my eyes. "Who ran Camelot?" was my only answer.
"Cheers. Princess, I have a bargain to offer. Not a deal, not a contract, a bargain." She walked over to Charlie. "You give me a place to stay and let me have some say in what I do. In exchange, we sit down and re-negotiate every contract I have that if they do your little course and get into Heaven, the contract ends and lets them go. Also I work for you. Your radio deer's done a shit job of selling you, and the Vees were all about public relations. Not to mention if you're planning on more politics? You'll need a level of attention to detail. Maybe I can teach you, maybe not." Velvette shrugged. "But it can't hurt to try."
"But… why?" Charlie frowned. "Wasn't Valentino your friend?"
"Yes, he was. I won't apologize for it, because when you don't live in daddy's palace and have a silver spoon stuck up your arse you do what needs doing to live. For me, that was putting up with Vox and Val. Now Val's out of the picture and Vox is about to launch a smear campaign on you." Velvette pointed at Charlie with her phone. "So if you're going to finish the job, you'll want to do it before his broadcast at six."
Charlie slumped. "...there's no talking him out of it, is there."
Velvette's smile was grim. "No, there's not. I gave him a hot second to decide, and he chose stupid. Can't have with that, not with bloody Ambrose the Falcon and Alastor the Radio Demon in the other corner. I'm not here to atone or be redeemed. But with those two down, I need allies not to go under. No, I'm here for a simple reason: death isn't my style. Not now, not ever." She folded her arms. "If you intend to send me away, I'll just ask your wizard to make it quick. I don't exactly have friends among the Overlords. It'll be kinder."
I'd give Velvette this: she knew how to play her audience. She was baring her throat to Charlie knowing full well she wasn't monster enough to bite.
"Hmm. You should take her up on it, Charlie. More Overlords in your pocket are hardly a bad thing. Why, between her, Rosie, and myself you have nearly half of the functional ones in Pentagram. And I don't doubt Merlin has intentions to draw Carmilla and Zestial into the fold as well." Alastor drummed his fingers on his cane, a pensive look in his eye.
Husk made for the stairs, following where Cherri and Angel went. "I'm gonna keep an eye on Angel." He paused. "Think a drink would do him good?"
I hummed. "I think water for now. Once he's come down a bit, maybe something light to soothe his nerves."
Husk grunted and went up.
"Okay. One thing: no more love potions." Charlie pointed at Velvette. "Ozzie hates those things, and I won't have them under my roof."
"Fine. I needed Val's spit to make the damn things anyway." Velvette shrugged, phone in hand. "Bargain's a bargain. Good to be on staff, I guess. So what'll you do about Vox? Your contract-breaking power's scary as shit, but if we spin it that you're still mostly the same princess everyone laughed at we might be able to paint Val as a moron who finally pushed too far. If Vox sets the narrative, some of your friends might be less charitable." Velvette wagged her phone at Charlie.
Charlie inhaled. Exhaled. "Alastor."
"Hmmm?"
"Vox is your rival, right?"
"I suppose that's a word you could use," he muttered. "Why do you ask, my dear?"
Vaggie put an arm around Charlie.
"He's your problem first. Please handle him as you see fit." Charlie looked at the Radio Demon with a cool expression.
"I lack your ability, Charlie. This won't end well for him." Alastor's gaze was calculating.
"And even if I did unbind his contracts, you'd just deal with him in private anyways. This way… this way I know." Charlie folded her arms. "Velvette, please work on a media release. We'll need to get ahead of the story before any of Vox or Valentino's former employees start talking."
Velvette smiled. "Of course, highness. I'll get right on it. Couple blocks of text won't take a mo', and I'll be well ahead of any potential broadcast."
"Merlin, ward the hotel in case Vox decides to pass Alastor and go for us. I don't want to risk anyone here."
I gave a half bow. "By your leave."
"Well, well. It seems that it's all come to a head far sooner than I thought." Alastor's mad grin resurfaced, eyes turning to radio dials. "Demons, sinners, ne'er-do-wells of all stripes - the hunt is afoot!"
With a flicker of static, he began to sink into his own shadow.
"Alastor!"
He looked at me.
"His business offer wasn't just business. He was in love with you. Use it." I looked at the deer demon with solid gold eyes.
Alastor vanished, cackling in delight.
Cain let out a low whistle. "Hot damn. You're pissed."
I grunted. "I can't even gut Velvette, of course I'm pissed." I scowled at her.
She smirked back. "Kisses, darling."
"Don't you have a job to do?" I growled.
"Course I do, so do you, fuck you, now shoo." She flipped her phone up and started typing rapidly with one thumb as she sauntered away.
I scowled, but brought light into my palm. "...fucking smug little so and so I oughta…" Traceries like vines snapped into the floor, rushing to the walls from where I stood.
Tell me, do you know what the greatest weakness of man is?
Pain. Teeth gripping, biting, shredding and grinding.
Oh, many would say sin. Gluttony, greed, pride, et-cetera. However, I believe in something else. A yearning that goes beyond coveting, beyond desire. I believe the greatest weakness a man can have is love. To have and hold another, be it as parent and child, friend to friend… lover to lover. You see, such vulnerability can be a momentary strength - but when it's gone?
It hurts. It hurts. Please stop. "Ahh…"
You are left utterly hollow. When it is denied, you burn with scorn. You miss the little things, the little traps. You imagine allies and enemies where a more complex web exists. And you rush headlong into the jaws of vengeance. Whose, of course, is immaterial. But my listeners-
What? No. No no no no- "AhHhA-"
I never imagined today's visitor loved ME so dearly! Why, had I known I would have hardly been so dismissive when he asked for my partnership.
…what? "Hnng?" The gag, slipping.
Oh no. You see, I'm not one for callous ignorance. No… had I known?
Hope.
I would have laughed harder.
"ALASTOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
And now, let's start the show! Sing us off, Vox!
ScreamPainLoveHatePainPainScreamScreamSCREAM
Top of the hour, six PM. Don't worry, my dear listeners- this broadcast will go all night.
Charlie looked out over Pentagram from the roof, arms around her knees. She… had hurt people today. Directly, knowingly. Maybe they were bad. Maybe they couldn't be saved. But she had.
And she had no indication that her acts had helped those she wanted to help. Angel was lost, confused. She didn't know how to help him.
Velvette was now at her Hotel, working there, and clearly had no faith that redemption was possible. Charlie knew that the loophole was just to placate her, and Velvette had no intention of losing any power.
Valentino's victims were out there, people who needed her or someone and she had no idea- no idea what to do. She felt lost. Tired.
Hollow.
"I could help with at least one of those."
Charlie looked up as Merlin sat at her side, watching the sunset.
"I soundproofed Angel's room so he couldn't hear Alastor's broadcast. Velvette made noise-canceling headphones to avoid it too." Merlin watched the sun fall lower and lower. "We did necessary work today. Good is relative. Velvette can make use of my abilities to alter the media landscape of Pride at least. Between my eyes and illusions I can take art from the living realm and she can distribute it here. We'll need someone to oversee the sex trade now that Valentino is gone, but I'm sure the other Overlords have some ideas."
"And… what about the people?" Charlie's voice was quiet.
"Angel will heal with time and care. There was never going to be a silver bullet to his pain, but all roads led to Valentino. You merely excised that cancer sooner than later." Merlin placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "And you did save the others. Angel was his 'favorite', but hardly the only one suffering. But if you want me to find someone to take care of them… Zestial and I go way back. He 'loves the sound of screams', but mercy and kindness aren't alien to him. He's a pragmatist first and foremost."
"He's the oldest Overlord in Hell." Charlie peered at Merlin. "How do you know him?"
Merlin smirked. "He was the first to pass my tests."
Charlie looked away, thinking. "...I think I'll reach out to Asmodeus."
"The lord of Lust. What are you thinking?" Merlin didn't sound accusatory, merely curious.
"Well, if we're going to have a sex trade anyway why not have him involved? Better than Mammon."
"From what I've heard, a sentient yeast infection would be better than Mammon." Merlin sighed through his nose. "What about Dad? What would he think?"
"Well… you and he seem to be getting on pretty well. Maybe you could talk him around while I feel Ozzie out?" Charlie looked at Merlin hopefully.
Merlin blinked, confused. "But… you've known him longer. Wouldn't you be a better choice?"
"Welll I mean I've been busy the past couple months since you met, and it's not like I've answered as many of his texts as I should or all of his calls-"
"It's true you've been busy." Merlin's speech slowed, his words deliberate. "But ignoring Dad won't make things right. It might make him retreat into himself, though."
"Again." Charlie didn't look at Merlin.
"...it's fair for you to be upset at him. I won't say otherwise." Merlin sounded… tired. "But I find myself caring about him a distressing amount. Both of you, actually."
Charlie let herself relax a little. "I'll try to give him a little more grace. But he's just- even before Mom left, he was all over the place, and things got strained. And when she left, he didn't want to see me anymore. Now he has you, and I don't know what to do."
"I'm not the child he raised for three centuries, Charlie. By the time I truly met him, I wasn't a child at all." Merlin exhaled. "He did explain that he and your mother fought to have you. Against a terrible curse. And that most likely, Lilith's attempts to spirit me here were hamfisted attempts at adoption."
"Yeah. Mom always called me her miracle. She always seemed kind of sad when I asked if I would ever have a sibling." Charlie smiled a little. "I was jealous of Helsa and Seviathan. I figured, if I had a sibling I'd be way closer to them than they were."
"I still think there's more that we're missing, but at the very least I'm willing to- how did you just put it? Give her grace."
"Hey, look at it this way." Charlie looked at Merlin, smiling. "You like testing people. Maybe it's time you gave Mom a test of her own. See who she is under it all."
Merlin blinked rapidly, then shook his head with a chuckle. "Maybe."
The roof gently shuddered, and Charlie looked up to see Vaggie approaching with Cain close behind her. She smiled at her girlfriend, patting the pavement next to her.
"So. The radio is loud as shit and we're not going to get any kind of sleep inside tonight," Cain grumbled, sitting gently so his legs went to either side of Merlin.
Vaggie dropped gracefully next to Charlie. "I wasn't sure if you two wanted time to talk or not, but I couldn't stay in there. I don't know how Angel's coping with it."
"Soundproofing charms. Niffty's inured to Alastor's worst, and Husk and Cherri will probably stay in there while Alastor has his fun." Merlin leaned against Cain's chest and belly, closing his eyes. "It may sound horrible, but Charlie's choice was the politically expedient one. Alastor and Vox are old enemies, and this will give him a level of clout that he's lacked for a while. It gets Vox off our backs, cements our alliance with Velvette, and binds Alastor more firmly to the Hotel. Not to mention we've decisively dealt with active threats not only to us but to Pentagram."
"Meaning we've made a move to bring order." Vaggie's thoughtful tone showed she understood Merlin's perspective, and even agreed with it even if she didn't completely approve.
"Yes. Charlie, our father is a king uninterested in ruling. Your mother is a queen who does not understand people."
"Uh, yes she does. She ran circles around the Goetia and Overlords when I was a kid." Charlie leaned over Vaggie's shoulder with narrow eyes.
"She understands manipulation, predator and prey, and hierarchy. She can't understand good and evil. According to Dad, she never ate the fruit."
"Oh shit." Charlie looked at Vaggie. "And she suggested Lucifer give the fruit to Adam and Eve."
"It was the blind leading the blind and Eden suffered for it." Merlin narrowed his eyes. "That was certainly some carnage."
"Wait. What carnage?" Charlie sat up. "I know the fruit brought evil into the world, but not how."
"When Dad and I had our duet, our greatest failures appeared to each other. Me, Camlann. Him? I saw angelic corpses in a root-wracked garden. It had to be Eden."
"Dad didn't have much to say about Lilith. Just that he and she didn't really click like he and Mom did. This was when I was little, though." Cain scratched his side. "He didn't talk about Lucifer at all."
"Watch it be because he was saltier about Dad leaving than Mom," Charlie joked.
Merlin took on a pensive look.
"No." Charlie pointed at him.
He pouted innocently. "What?"
"No. That's a 'plotting' look. You are not going to try and solve the genocide by hooking up our dad with Adam in order to replace Mom."
"Polycules exist." Merlin shrugged.
Vaggie dropped her forehead onto Charlie's shoulder. "Ugh."
"At bare minimum, I think I'll try to redeem him. For Cain's sake, if nothing else." Merlin gently pat Cain's belly. "After all, I assume that turning him into a charcoal briquette is off the table."
"It is." Cain's reply dripped with wry amusement. "And I'm grateful you already nixed that route ahead of time on my behalf."
"Might kick his ass, though," Merlin mused airily.
"Can I watch?" Vaggie smirked.
"I'll help!" Charlie offered with a smile. "After all, now that I punted that moth around I think I've demonstrated I can hold my own."
"You what?" Vaggie straightened up.
"I got video~!" Merlin crooned, waggling his phone.
"Fork it." Vaggie held her hand out imperiously.
"Why are the people I love so fucking violent?" Cain opined. "Can't we all just vibe?"
"I fought literal wars, Vaggie's an ex-exorcist, and Charlie's Lilith's daughter. Everyone downstairs has their own thing." Merlin paused. "Shit. We forgot Pentious and the Eggs."
"Fear not, comradessss! For we did not forget you - right, Eggiess?" Pentious slithered over, a huge backpack on his back. The Boiz and Gurlz followed with their own packs.
"Whatcha got there, Sir Pentious?" Charlie asked curiously.
"Camping gear, my dear! Tonight, as we are above the ssssmog of the city, we shall look at the stars! I brought tentssss, sleeping bags, and camping food!" The snakelike sinner leaned in. "Essspecially ssss'moresss."
Charlie smiled widely. "That… sounds great. Hey-"
Merlin gently nudged Cain's gut with his elbow. "I'm going to see if Angel is up to join us. A little quiet time up here with the group might do some good."
"No need!" Pentious preened.
The door opened, and a haggard but calmer Angel Dust walked out. Husk came next with a cooler, and Cherri and Niffty brought up the rear.
"Huh. Good work, Pentious." Vaggie smirked. "Nice initiative."
"Ahem! Well, now all we need is a fire, and we should be good to ssstart!" Pentious looked at Merlin with hopeful eyes.
Merlin smirked. "On it."
Charlie looked at Angel. He looked… terrible. Tired, wrung out. But somehow lighter.
"You know, I'm almost jealous," Merlin remarked dryly. "I wish I could have looked that good after I went a round with Lilith. Every time I survived I just looked beat to shit."
Cain gave Merlin a firm nudge, but Angel coughed into his shoulder with a wan smile. "That's my genes at work, babycakes." He sounded more tired than anything, but the smile was genuine. "Thanks." He looked at Charlie.
Charlie looked back, biting her lip.
"Charlie? Thank you. For caring. For everything." Angel approached on barely-steady legs, and knelt down - to wrap her in a four-armed embrace.
Charlie hugged him back, gentle but tight. "Anytime. It's what friends do, right?"
Cherri smirked. "She has a point, Angie. But yeah. You're okay, Princess."
"Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to put the white I found back downstairs?" Husk raised an eyebrow.
"Eh, cut him some fuckin' slack. It's his night," Cain cajoled.
"Yeah. So long as we're responsible, I say we unwind. We earned it." Vaggie nodded in agreement before freezing while looking at the door.
"And of course, we should welcome Velvette to our happy little family," Merlin droned, not looking behind him.
Charlie looked up to see Velvette fiddling with her phone.
"Niffty's a pretty good cook, and Husk's got good taste in drinks?" she offered.
The Overlord squinted at them. "Hm. Well, seeing as I'll be living with you all I suppose I ought to ingratiate myself." She looked at Angel. "But I'll leave it up to tonight's 'special boy'."
Angel hid a yawn in his hand. "Don't start shit, won't be shit."
Velvette gave a perfunctory shrug and strolled towards them. "Fair's fair. By the way, we got hits on my post from Rosie and Carmine - they've already thrown their weight behind you." She looked at Charlie. "I even got a like from Zestial. Strange times, I tell you. I didn't know that fossil knew what a Sinstagram was!"
Charlie giggled into her hand, earning a smirk from Velvette. As Vaggie took one hand, Angel leaned on her shoulder, and her friends- her family- gathered around a campfire on the roof set by Merlin…
A/N: So this is the first chapter I fully transferred from LibreOffice, and I'm considering how best to format going forward. Also I slowed down thanks to Hades II, FGO Traum, and a hellacious cold all last week. This Chapter's songs are a riff on "Popular" from Wicked and "Love Like You" by Rebecca Sugar.
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"Alright! So he saw my text and responded- Ozzie's going to join us for lunch today!" Charlie clapped her hands. "Hopefully, once we get this situation stabilized we can double down on redemption exercises!"
Angel Dust lounged on the couch, scrolling through his phone idly. "Yeah."
Charlie chuckled nervously. "Uhhh, Angel?"
"What?" He looked up. "I mean, new boss, right?" He looked unimpressed.
"I think the idea was that you would take time off work and recuperate here." Merlin stepped out of a swirl of mist, leaning on the couch. "And if you never want to make another film, you won't need to. From what I've observed of Asmodeus, he's even-handed with employment. At least, he won't complain if we ask for proper royalties for your past work."
Angel looked at Charlie, who immediately nodded. "Exactly. Thank you, Merlin." She smiled. "Soooo that leaves us with two little problems."
Angel relaxed, and put his phone down.
"What, then?" Velvette sat in Alastor's preferred chair, the Radio Demon conspicuously absent. "We need to host yet another Sin?"
"No, uh, not exactly. Remember how I said Asmodeus wasn't a fan of love potions?" Charlie gave a sheepish smile.
"Essentially we need you out of the blast radius in case he actually knows about you. Though given your stomping ground is exclusively Pride, I'm not certain how likely that is." Merlin idly checked his cuffs.
"Yes. And if he's going to run the sex trade, we'll need to reach out to Dad for permission - Pride is his ring, after all." Charlie folded her hands.
"Not that anyone could tell, what with how he stays in his ivory tower all damn day." Velvette gave a dour look. "And we're forgetting two major things."
"Meaning?" Vaggie raised an eyebrow.
"I can't work Vox's part of the empire either. We need an entertainer, not an influencer. And beyond that, we need to go through Mammon to do jack or shit." Velvette stood. "And that fucker will probably just keep the money and run."
"Soooo we need Dad anyway! Hey, maybe-" Charlie's voice pitched up hopefully.
"Uhhh. Lucifer high-key doesn't like sinners or anything to do with Hell. The exceptions are like, four people in this room and one who isn't." Cain rubbed the back of his neck.
"Merlin, we need you to talk to Lucifer." Vaggie folded her arms.
"I still think Charlie could-" Merlin began.
"But I invited Asmodeus over, and unlike Dad you don't really have a rapport with him," Charlie quickly cut him off. "And since it has to be one of us-"
Merlin closed his eyes. "Noted. Cain, Velvette, you're with me."
"Sooo. Where's everyone else?" Angel squinted at Charlie.
"Well, Pentious has an appointment with Carmilla Carmine about some of his patents. Alastor's in Cannibal Town for… reasons?" Charlie shuddered. "Reasons."
"He said 'leftovers'." Vaggie scowled.
Velvette grimaced. "Charming. Rest in pieces, poor fuck."
"And Niffty is, um, around. After all, if we're having lunch here then she needs to cook."
"Or you could look up Alastor and go to the Emporium," Merlin muttered.
"Orrrr not! Definitely not, why, did you uh eat-?" Charlie's eyes went wide.
Merlin smirked. "No, but I felt like being petty."
Charlie scowled. "Merlin."
Merlin twirled his cane into existence. "We're taking the limo, by the way. Allons-y!" He strode out the front door, leaving it open behind him.
Cain coughed. "I think he's having an Opinion."
"Really?" Vaggie gave Cain an unimpressed look.
"I mean… if Lucifer is trying to reach out and be better, isn't it better to meet him halfway?"
"Cain, he hasn't asked about the Hotel or any of the residents at all. He's talked about you and Vaggie, but nobody else!" Charlie spread her hands. "He's made a few token offers of, of material help but you and Merlin and Alastor already have this place running!"
Angel sighed. "Didya try tellin' him about us?" He raised an eyebrow.
"...yes?"
Velvette walked out, but stopped at the door. "Look fuckers, I'm not being paid enough to deal with family drama. What advice I will give you is to find the same spine that let you take out Val and put it to work getting this fixed." She looked at Charlie. "Like it or not, he's your dear pa-pa. If you want him to take you seriously, fucking make him." And she left.
Angel looked at the bar, where Husk quietly cleaned glasses. "Sooo?" he asked.
Husk looked up. "Told ya she focused on other problems to ignore her own." He looked back down.
Charlie cleared her throat. "Cain? With the mood Merlin's in, he might, uh."
"Take Velvette up on any ideas of more forceful domination of Hell?"
Charlie and Vaggie blinked at Cain.
"Ladies. We've been an item for five hundred years. This is the kind of mood he gets in when he's ready to paste a war criminal." Cain smirked. "The best I can do is try to make sure he doesn't turn anyone we care about into an ash pile. Or maybe plant them in his 'hungry garden'."
Angel's eyebrows shot up. "Um, what?"
Cain chuckled. "Guys? Pentious hit the nail on the head when he said that Am was the scary one of me and him."
"Told you that too," Husk muttered.
Charlie gave a nervous smile. "Well! Good thing he's going to visit Dad and not do any of that!"
"Charlie? Your Dad really wants a relationship with your brother. You think he won't enable him?" Vaggie put a hand on her shoulder.
The Princess of Hell adopted a thousand-yard stare. "Oh fuck."
"CAIN! GET IN LOSER, WE'RE ALTERING THE BALANCE OF HELL!" Merlin barked.
"Did I really trade out one pair of terrifying homos for another!?"
"It's an upgrade!" Cain boomed, the Hotel shaking as he took off out the door at a light jog.
"And Val was pan!" Angel called. "He was real fuckin' clear on that!"
Charlie buried her face in her hands. "I may have made several mistakes."
Vaggie gently rubbed between her shoulder blades.
____________________________________________________________________________
Not twitching was a herculean effort.
"Well. Looks like we got the welcome wagon." Velvette made a show of looking around the foyer. "Truly."
Yeah. It was empty.
"...so did your dad respond to your text?" Cain asked hesitantly.
"You two wait here. I'm going on a duck hunt." I plucked my cane into my hand and began to take long strides.
"D- wait. There's ducks. Rubber ducks. There, and there, and- what in Satan's sweltering arsecrack have I walked into?"
"Morningstar family drama."
I picked up the pace and pushed outward with my sight, expanding the range of my view through walls and doors- There.
I stopped at a door some distance past the kitchen and dining room. "Dad?"
Nothing. Just quiet.
With a sharp gesture, the door opened. I walked inside.
It was the study I'd appeared in when I visited him over a month ago, with ducks pouring out of every corner and old family portraits on the walls.
Dad stared at a picture in his hands, eyes a million miles away.
"Dad?"
He jerked upright. "Huh? Bwuh? Oh shit!" He fumbled the frame, only for it to fall from his grip.
I fixed its momentum in midair, giving him a chance to catch it. When he did, I let it go.
Dad let out a long sigh of relief. "Whoo. Thanks, sport." He gave me a tired smile. "Lemme just-" He cut off, and put the picture on his tea table.
It was a young Charlie on a swingset, expression full of joy. Dad was pushing her, and Lilith watched indulgently in the background.
"...you two used to be a lot closer, huh."
Dad looked at me, blinking. "Uh. Well, yes." He looked back at the picture. "Things were easier when she was a child. In the face of that innocence, I could forget… so much. But it only lasted so long. It wasn't her, it was never her," he amended quickly. "It was just hard to be what she needed me to be."
"Which was what?"
"Perfect. I had to be a good parent, know all the answers, know- everything. When kids are young, you can just be vague and all-knowing. But the older they get, the more specific the questions get. Direct." Dad slumped. "And well, time and distance. Now I barely know her anymore."
I turned that over in my head. "Well, you never really got your chance to cut your teeth on parenthood with me. Though that would have been its own ordeal."
"Oh Hell, that's for sure! Constantly direct, no patience for niceties - you're like if someone took Michael's sense of responsibility and determination and added Gabby's lack of patience and tact." He chuckled a little. "Charlie, though - she's got some of me and her mom. But she also reminds me of Jojo and Raphie too."
I tilted my head. "Your siblings?"
Dad exhaled, a wistful look in his eyes. "Yeah. Michael, the old soldier and Archangel of Charity. Raphael, the healer and Archangel of Love. Gabrielle, the messenger and Archangel of History. Orielle, the curator and Archangel of Sciences. Jophiel, the artist and Archangel of Beauty. Azrael, the guide and Archangel of Peace. Then there's me - Helel, the architect and Archangel of Innovation. Or now Lucifer, King of Hell."
I turned that over in my head. "Sounds like more than one of them might have a professional interest in Charlie's hotel. Maybe I could reach out to them using the Embassy?"
Dad lurched forward. "No! Nonono-no. Nooooo." He held his hands out, palms forward. "No."
"Would this be an 'embarrassing' no or a 'they might turn you into a stain on the ground' no?" I asked.
He hesitated. "More like a 'I don't know', no." He gave an awkward smile. "Thanks for uh, asking. Instead of, well."
I shrugged. "You heard me out about how your wife tried to murder-adopt me. Fair's fair. Although you will need something more concrete if Charlie asks after them."
"I really, really don't like the idea of you guys tangling with Heaven, especially after one: Charlie got Adam's attention and two: someone up there did something around the time you died." Dad shivered. "I don't - look, my siblings loved me, they fought for me, they wanted me to stay. Even if they were disappointed. I don't know if that changed. The Council of Elders? Raziel, Raguel, Zadkiel, Tiriel, all the rest? Awful, horrible, uptight. They wanted me dead. It took Gabby negotiating them down to exile for me and Lilith to live."
"But your siblings are in charge now?"
"Nominally. Serathiel is the last of the old guard, and she runs Heaven's day-to-day. Of them, Michael is the strongest and most experienced, but none of them are really…" Dad trailed off, frowning.
"Bureaucrats?"
"That!" He pointed at me and nodded. "But, yeah. So uh, I clearly missed your- yep, you texted." He rummaged through several empty teacups and found his phone, waving it at me. "So you wanted- huh." He went still.
"...I'm going to assume from your reaction it's a big ask." I leaned against a chair.
"It's, well. I haven't talked with the old gang for a few decades. Just fell out of touch."
I blinked. "So you were friends with the other Sins once upon a time."
"Yeah." He was quiet, face a mask of old regrets. "Yeah, I was." He slid his phone into his pocket.
"Any chance one or more may be in a forgiving mood?"
He looked at me in confusion.
"If, perhaps, you wanted to reconnect. I mean, I obviously have my own duties so I can't be here all the time." I gestured at him. "And friends are rather nice."
"Oh, I would never- I mean, have I been imposing? On you?"
"No." I folded my arms. "And if you had, you would know." I twitched.
"Is that at me or-?"
"Charlie." I twitched again. "...you had siblings. Is wanting to wrap them in padding and then flinging them out a window repeatedly until they see sense a normal emotional response?"
"Back home we called that 'Thursday'." Dad blinked. "Awww. You and your sister are fightingggg!" His eyes went big and shiny.
I scowled. "Fighting implies conflict, which she's considerably averse to. Though she's proven herself willing to stand her ground against the truly monstrous."
"What? What happened? Ooooh, tell me, tell me!" He sidled over, grinning.
I shook my head with a tired smile. "Sure. C'mon, Cain and Velvette are in the foyer. They can help explain just what the fuck is going on."
"Cain and who?" Dad gave a frog-like blink.
"Charlie's newest Overlord. Aside from the one she defanged by sundering his contracts and binding him from making any more, she's collecting them like stamps."
Charlie, somehow, did not jump out of her skin. "Ozzie! Hi!" She quickly turned.
Asmodeus (or Ozzie) was a rooster-like demon with two smaller heads in a mane of flame. He was tall, broad, and oozed sensuality that she would readily admit went right over her head.
After all, he was something like an uncle to her - and was the one to give her 'the talk'. In depth. Diagrams and all.
"Sweetheart, I'm so glad you invited me over. I mean, sure it's business, but I haven't heard from you or your parents since that whole thing with the von Eldritch family!"
Charlie gave an awkward laugh, folding her hands together. "Yeaaaah, Sev and I really weren't a good match. But uh, I am seeing someone else!"
Ozzie clapped his huge hands together, walking in. "Oooooh! A new boy? A girl? Both? Neither? C'mon, sweetheart, details!"
An imp that barely reached the Sin of Lust's knees followed along, horns covered and face white with scar tissue. His mechanical limbs were visible despite being mostly covered. "Whoaaaa. So the whole 'redemption' thing is legit?"
"Yeah, it is." Vaggie made herself known, leaning against Charlie's shoulder. Charlie glanced at her, noticing the tension.
"Hmm? Who's-?" Asmodeus blinked with all three of his heads. "Charlie? Babygirl?"
"Yes?" Charlie smiled.
"That's an angel."
"Thiiiis is Vaggie, my girlfriend! We've been together for three years!" Charlie put an arm around Vaggie, smiling widely. Forcefully.
For a moment, silence. Then-
"Hun, you are your mother's daughter to the bone." Asmodeus gave a bemused chuckle. "If you're happy, I got nothing to say."
Vaggie relaxed slightly.
The imp looked out the door. "I'm just gonna, uh-"
"EXCUSE ME." Another imp, less scarred but toting a gun nearly as large as him, strode in and kicked the door shut. "Well it's all clear out there." He looked at Charlie. "Holy shit the princess really does run this dump."
"It's a good thing Ambrose isn't here. He'd have your hide in a heartbeat." Husk made himself known from the bar, eyelids lowered.
"Wait. Ambrose the Falcon? That psycho?" Asmodeus shivered. "Baby, he's dangerous! What's he got to do with you?"
"Guy gave me a down payment to take out Kissinger, but called it off at the last second. Kept the fat stacks though." The imp in the suit shrugged. "Not that I'm complaining - free money and I skip out on a job that would have brought waaaay too much heat on my head."
"Well, Ambrose is short for Ambrosius - as in Merlin. As in apparently Dad had a kid before me with a human, and he ended up down here because Mom killed him by sealing him in a tree." Charlie shrugged.
The imp flipped his sunglasses up. "Christ on a Stick, that fucker's a wizard!?" His eyes were wide.
"And a seraphim." Vaggie narrowed her eye at the assassin.
"Charlieeee, sweetpea? Ambrose has a reputation among the Sins." Asmodeus tapped his fingers together. "Now the Falcon's always stuck to Pride, but once upon a time Satan tried to go up to find Cain."
"Let me guess. It ended badly." Charlie gave a flat look.
"Mmhm."
Charlie inhaled. "Right! Soooo, who are your friends?" She smiled again.
"Name's Blitz, the 'o' is silent." The assassin adjusted his sunglasses. "The rest of my crew is on a heavily suggested vacation in case this gets hot. Apparently some big-shot Overlords went down over the past week."
"Well, seeing as I took out one and had Alastor deal with the other, I am aware of the circumstances. And you?" Charlie turned to the pale imp.
"Uh, Fizzarolli. You might've heard of me…?"
Charlie blinked. Blinked again. "Oh!" She slapped her forehead. "Right, the entertainer- wait. You're an entertainer." Her smile redoubled.
"Yeaaah?"
"Uh oh. Babygirl, what are you thinking? Also, whatever you want with Fizzy, we're both gonna need to discuss it." Asmodeus planted a fist on his hip.
"She wants you to take over for Valentino and run Pride's sex trade." Angel sauntered down the stairs, back straight. "And if I know her, she wants your boytoy to take over for Vox, the TV mogul."
"Angel Dust! Love your work, hate the situation. You were damn near the only professional involved in that shitshow, start to finish." Asmodeus offered a huge hand, and Angel hesitantly placed one of his in the Sin's palm.
The massive rooster gave the back of his hand a gentle peck.
"Charmed." Ozzie's voice was deep and smooth.
Angel blinked, swallowing. "Uh, thanks."
Fizzarolli rolled his eyes with a smirk. "We can't bring him home with us, Oz."
Angel shored up his shoulders. "I appreciate the attention, but not really lookin' to start work back up right now."
"I bet. Valentino and Velvette's little 'business' hit Lust like a truck and keeping it out was a mess." Asmodeus gently let go of Angel's hand. "If I ever got my hands on them…" His mane began to flare near-white.
"Well, Velvette has stopped her end and Valentino is divested of his contracts." Charlie moved next to Angel. "And since Vox is, uh, a permanent guest of Cannibal Town-"
"...lady, aren't you supposed to be a huge pu- uh, wimp? This does not sound wimpy. This sounds like Boss Bitch Who Gets Shit Done." Blitz waved a hand at her.
"Charlie is a sweetheart, which is why I agreed to come visit. She is, bar one, the nicest person in Hell." Asmodeus made his way to the living room and managed to seat himself in a chair. Fizzarolli scampered into his lap, legs stretching and retracting to deposit him just off-center of Asmodeus' crotch.
"That being Cain, yes."
"You met?" Ozzie's eyebrows rose, all six of them.
"Yes! He and Merlin have been an item for the past five hundred years. And now Cain is our third resident, alongside Angel and Sir Pentious." Charlie moved to the couch and sat.
"Hhhuh. No wonder Ambrose broke Satan's horns off and shoved them in his ass."
"He what." Charlie gave a slow blink.
Vaggie opened her mouth. Closed it.
"Oh don't worry! Belle set him right. He was… disturbingly happy about it, though." Asmodeus shivered. "It took me, Bee, and Belle to talk him down from 'goin' a courtin'."
"Oooookay, oh-kay, alright! So!" Charlie clapped her hands.
"Yeah let's never talk about that again." Blitz hugged his gun, eyes darting back and forth.
"Seconded." Husk raised a paw with a dour look.
"Right. So you want us to take over for Overlords." Asmodeus pointed to Fizzarolli and himself. "Now, I can fill the void left by the asshole you got rid of. TV boy? That's harder. Fizzie could do it, buuuuuut…"
"I'd need money to get started, even if I could take over what he left." Fizz spread his hands.
"And I'd need your daddy's say-so that he was cool with it. Not to mention Mammon would shit a damn brick." Ozzie scowled.
"Yeah, he's been sending assassins after Fizz since he told him off at the last pageant." Blitz shot a proud smirk at the former clown.
Angel smiled - a genuine smile, not a smirk or sneer. "I saw that. Daydreamed about doing the same damn thing to Val ever since."
Fizzarolli smiled back. "Feels good to get out from under the bastard, right?"
"Heh, yeah." He grinned. His smile softened as he looked to Charlie. "Thanks to you."
"Right. But another thing is we'd also need to get through Mammon to get to their assets and really start." Ozzie frowned.
"Well, Merlin is talking to Dad and hopefully he'll get Mammon to do what he wants?" Charlie let her hope show as best as she could.
"Your Dad or the wizard?" Blitz picked at his teeth.
"Ambrose's idea would probably be to snap off Mammon's head, shove it up his ass, and put someone he considers 'reliable' and 'responsible' in charge of his holdings." Husk took a long pull from his bottle.
"Uh."
"So I'll level with you. Alastor is more likely to hurt someone for shits and giggles. Ambrose? Every injury is a statement, every death a punctuation. But Alastor will let someone live if he can use them or he thinks it's funny. Ambrose? If you choose death, you're dying. No exceptions." Husk tilted his bottle at the rest of them.
"Mam's a piece of shit, but Hell needs him where he is." Asmodeus frowned. "So yeah, if he can talk your Dad into flexing his wings, we might have a shot."
"So a snowball's chance in Wrath, got it," Blitz scoffed. "Full offense princess, but your daddy doesn't give a shit about any of us. Not sinners, not hellborn, not even the Sins."
"That's not true!" Charlie protested.
"Okay, cool. Then why are there pounds full of Hellhounds getting adopted out as 'pets'? Why are imps treated like disposable help? Why do the Goetia get to shit on all and sundry Wrath down?" Blitz scowled.
"That's…" Charlie slumped.
"Hey, she's got her hands full up here. What d'you want her to do?" Angel glared at the imp.
"Oh, I've got no beef with her. She chose her struggle, and one's enough for any sane person. Hell's too big to fix for anyone that isn't a full-on higher pow- oh wait." Blitz's tail twitched.
"...do you think Mammon would listen to me?" Charlie asked after a moment.
He shrugged. "He actually likes you, always has. That's rare. If you can frame it as a net benefit to him, it might work."
"Soooo maybe if he lets you guys take over for Vox and Valentino, not only will their money continue to make money, but you'll be better at their jobs than they were?" Charlie offered.
She looked around.
Vaggie's smile brightened a little. Angel looked surprised, but thoughtful. Blitz scratched his chin, squinting. Fizzarolli tilted his head, visibly thinking.
Husk smirked. "You might wanna sweeten the pot a little more, especially if he's got assassins after Fizzarolli here. But it's a start."
Charlie grinned. "Then we'll just have to save him some money by taking care of those assassins first."
"Huh?" Fizz leaned back against his partner.
"So you're going to tell me who's after you. Then I'll call Merlin and let him know that my dear Uncle Ozzie's boyfriend is being stalked by a bunch of creeps - and if he could dissuade them I would really appreciate it." Charlie's smile turned beatific
"Helluva olive branch after this morning," Husk mused.
Asmodeus gave Charlie a considering look. "Huh."
"What is it?" Charlie asked.
"Maybe Ambrose's been good for you after all." That was all he decided to say.
Charlie glanced downwards. "Yeah. Maybe he has."
____________________________________________________________________________
Dad and I walked into the receiving room, right off the hallway near the foyer.
Velvette had made herself comfortable on a couch, legs crossed over the back, head on a pillow, phone in her face. Cain fit himself in a surprisingly huge chair, looking around at the many ducks and apples.
"Hey Cain! How's the past couple months treated you?" Dad asked, immediately buzzing past Velvette.
She slid her eyes towards him, eyebrow arched.
"S'good! Uh, not sure how much progress I made, but it's good." He smiled at me.
I smiled back. "A bit louder than the farm, but not a bad time."
"Ah-huh. And who's this… young lady?" Dad's smile turned a bit strained at the edges as he waved his cane at Velvette.
She swung her legs down and put her arm over the back of the couch. "Velvette, formerly of the Vees and currently of the Hazbin Hotel. I'm the only one that came out of that shitshow intact, and to stay that way I've decided to back the winning side." She gave a smirk.
"I… see. What happened there, exactly?" he asked me, turning so Velvette only got his profile.
"One of the residents was tied to Valentino. Valentino was a rapist who had magical roofie saliva, and was a vicious pimp besides. Charlie took offense, so worked her magic and deprived him of all his contracts by sundering them." I smiled proudly. "She was amazing."
"Mm. Hm. I see." Dad's eye twitched. "Why did she get involved?"
"Because the victim was a friend of hers? I was there as backup in case she needed me - which she didn't." I tilted my head.
"Okay yeah, but why didn't you handle it?" Dad folded his arms.
"I mean, I could have planted a seed in his body that slowly grew into a thorn harness on his organs, but then she'd have been sad." I shrugged. "Her way let her keep her standards and deal with the threat."
Velvette leaned away from me.
"Your bloodthirst's showing, babe." Cain leaned back with a firm look.
I grumbled. "Dammit. Isn't there some hellacious war criminal I can snipe without her noticing?"
"I am. Concerned. About this violence issue of yours." Dad's eyes flicked back and forth. "But really, why did Charlie need to get involved?"
"Because she's going to be ruling Queen one day. Lilith made Hell what it is, for better and worse. You have no interest. So eventually, you'll retire and Charlie will rule. She'll need to sit in judgment, and be capable of both mercy and meting out justice." I shrugged. "Such as it is."
Velvette rubbed her forehead. "Of fucking course Merlin wants to raise a proper ruler. What else could it be."
"Hey, between you and Rosie she might actually be able to hold her own against the Goetia without me assassinating too many of them." I grinned. "Politics was never my strong suit. I was more of a troubleshooting guy."
"Meaning you shoot the trouble."
"With lightning! Or by verbally picking their trauma apart until they dealt with themselves one way or another." I shrugged.
Dad jerked, almost coming awake despite standing and listening. "That's… I see." He blinked at me. "It's going to be a very long time before I'd be comfortable giving Charlie the throne."
I nodded. "Good, it will give her more time to entrench herself and grow. It's been what, four months? Four and a half? I'm good, but learning isn't necessarily a fast process."
"Wait, so how did Arthur do politics?" Velvette asked, frowning in curiosity.
"He was a natural. Politics, logistics, economics- you name it, he was amazing. He's the one who taught me swordplay, actually." I smiled a little. "Everyone thinks I was his mentor, but he was a verifiable genius. He knew how to leverage my sight to keep a firm thumb on the pulse of his court, and I'd go flying as a hawk to check the breadth of the land. More of a supernatural spymaster meets assassin meets natural disaster than anything."
"But you could still do a bit of politic yourself." Velvette leaned back.
"Sure. I did cultivate a lot of plots and plans, and they worked. But they usually worked around people or took advantage - not with them." I paused. "The Hotel is new ground on that front."
Dad glanced at Velvette, then back to me. "Okay. So what is it you needed, son? If it's in my power, you just have to ask." His smile softened. "And I really am proud of you and Charlie. You sure you don't need me to spruce the place up? I could totally put a fountain or two-"
"What we mostly need is Asmodeus to-" I paused as my phone began to blare a peppy violin with hints of electronica. "One moment."
I pulled it out and hit two buttons. "You're on speaker, Charlie."
"Oh, okay! Hi Dad!"
"Ch- uh-" Dad stuttered, visibly off guard. "Hey Charlie!"
"So I have a big ask for you and Merlin, if that's okay?"
I raised my eyebrow. "Go on?"
"Of course!" Dad perked up, almost vibrating.
Cain gave the both of us a small smile.
"So Dad - can you give Uncle Ozzie the okay to take over Valentino's stuff? And maybe lean on Mammon to turn Valentino and Vox's holdings to Ozzie and Fizz?"
Dad blinked, confused. "Who?"
"Fizzarolli. Former employee of Mammon, and Asmodeus' partner. He is an imp," I explained.
"Oh. Neat!" Dad grinned. "Good for Ozzie!"
"Aww, thanks honeybun! How you been?" a suave voice echoed over the line.
Dad swallowed. "Um." He looked at me.
I nodded.
"Better. I'm better than a few months ago. But I've also, y'know, been better. If that makes sense?"
"Oh hun, I know exactly what you mean. Has Lil been home?"
Dad looked at the floor. "No."
"Hmm. Might want to take up with someone, if only to keep yourself occupied." Asmodeus' voice radiated concern. "Or we could hang out? I promise only to bring the movies with softcore if you want a boys' night?"
Dad blinked a few times, then smiled a little. "That'd actually be nice. And uh, if you could do Charlie this favor - I'd be really happy."
"Buddy, it's as much a favor to me as her. This way I can keep that artificial bullshit from hitting my streets, and spice up Pride with some of my flair. But babe, I need help. Mam's gone off the shit and is trying to get my Fizzy killed! Not to mention Charlie wants Fizz to take over that TV-head's empire, and getting Mam to transfer that shit is going to be an act of Goetian Congress."
Dad's face screwed up. "Ugh. Charlie, you there?"
"Y-yeah, Dad!" Nerves seemed to be getting to her.
"Tell you what. If you reach out to Mammon, I'll back you. If all else fails or you need something to really seal the deal, I'll give him a full percent of my liquid assets." Dad gave a firm nod.
"Um… Will that work?" Charlie asked hesitantly.
"You better believe it fuckin' will!" Velvette burst out, standing up. "Princess, Mammon is the sin of Greed, not Wealth. Your dear daddy's the richest man in all Hell! A percent of his fortune is equal to the purse of every damn Overlord in Pride! Not Pentagram, Pride!"
Dad smirked at Velvette. "Exactly. Thanks for the explanation."
"Thanks Lu. I owe you big. Uh." Asmodeus hesitated.
I considered. "Say. How much of a shitstorm would it be if you decreed equal rights for imps and hellhounds?"
"Huh?" Dad squinted at me.
"I mean, love who they like, can't be treated as lesser. You do have the power to set that edict." I tilted my head.
"Who is that man so I can suck his soul out his dick?" Asmodeus' voice went low.
Charlie made a strangled noise.
"THAT would be my SON, Merlin, who is in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP with CAIN." Dad's smile went full rictus grin.
"Uh."
"Flattered, but no need." I smirked. "Just be as obnoxiously in love with Fizzarolli as possible. I want to see the Goetia get heart palpitations."
Asmodeus chuckled. "Done." There was a muffled squeak in the background.
"Okaaay we're all good here-" Dad said quickly.
"Also! Merlin, can you deal with a Mafia Family from Greed? They hired some insane cowboy and are coming after Fizz!" Charlie asked.
I gave a sharklike grin. "Oh?"
Cain swallowed. Hard. His eyes went wide and color rose in his cheeks.
Velvette leaned away from him.
"Yeah. I know you really wanted me to come with you, but, um. Just don't give me any details."
I softened my smile. "As you like. Though…"
"Yeah. We can talk about it when you get home."
"Works for me."
"Okay. Well, I've got lots of paperwork to write up! Bye Dad, Merlin! Love you guys!"
Dad blinked hard. "Love you too," he croaked.
"...love you." I hung up. I blinked. I think that was the first time we'd said that to each other.
For a moment, we were all quiet.
"Sooo. Now that we've got this done, what's next? We gonna help his nibs get someone to bed?" Velvette waggled her eyebrows.
"Uh." Dad went ramrod straight.
"Hm." Cain rubbed his chin. "I mean, maybe? It could be fun?"
"N-now, uh," Dad shot me a pleading look.
I tapped my chin. "My idea won't work until I can get ahold of the dirtbag in question and put him through severe therapy."
"Idea?" Dad squawked.
"He wants to get you back with my dad after turning him nice again or some shit." Cain shrugged.
"Adam? Really? The mass murderer?" Velvette gave me an unimpressed stare.
"Hey, unlike the current Edenite in residence he never tried to kill me."
She visibly thought that out. "You know what? Fair. I respect the hustle."
"I don't!" Dad crossed his arms and a leg in front of himself, eyes wide.
"Tell you what. I'll set you up a dating app! Goofy, short, pretty- you'll get hunks and amazons knocking the door down to get that royal arse." Velvette got to her feet, hands on her hips.
"Buhbuhwhat."
"That's it! Starting now, you're my new project." Velvette leered, stalking closer.
"N-now, that's not necessary-"
"I know! That's what makes me so nice."
The lights dimmed, only for a pair of spotlights to click on over Velvette and Dad.
"Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I- and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I?" Velvette raised an eyebrow at Dad, strutting around him with a severe look. "My withered heart sometimes starts to bleeeeeed."
Dad leaned back, only for Velvette to haul him in by the bowtie.
"And when someone needs a makeover I SIMPLY NEED TO TAKE OVER-" she cut herself off and took a short, deep breath. "I know, I know exactly what they neeeed." She tilted him this way and that, looking at his face. "And even in your case- though it's the toughest case I've yet to face? Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed! Follow my lead! And yes, in-deed. You. Will. Be."
Dad windmilled his arms, stumbling back when Velvette let him go.
"Popular. You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper poise, when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce- ha!" Velvette darted around him, holding his arms, coattails, and legs at length, sizing him up with her gaze. "I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to do your hair, everything that really counts-"
Dad went from his current outfit to a white-and-red biking leather ensemble, only for Velvette to sneer and click her fingers again, leaving him in a sweater and khakis with cute glasses. She tilted her head.
"To be popular. I'll help you be popular! You'll make every sale, you'll pull all the tail, know the slang you've got to knoooow."
Then she put him in a crop top and booty shorts, and I winced at the expanse of pale skin before he shrieked and covered himself.
Velvette shook her head and put him in a turtleneck and khakis. "So let's start, because you've got an awfully long way to goooo."
Dad relaxed, slumping.
"Don't be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as personality dialysis-" She pulled out his phone and quickly tapped on it, downloading an app. "Now that I've chosen to be-come a pal, a sister, and advisor, there's nobody wiser- not when it comes to Popular."
She snapped a couple selfies with him, her making a few faces while he stared gobsmacked at the camera.
"I know about popular. And with an assist from me, to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who you were - well, are. There's nothing that can stop you from becoming popu-ler. Lar." Velvette scowled and looked Dad up and down, before slicking his hair back with a wave of her hand and putting him in a white tuxedo.
"When I see depressing creatures with unprepossessing features, I remind them on their own behalf- to think of celebrated heads of state or specially great communicators!" She took pictures of him, added emojis and a filter, and saved. "Did they have brains or knowledge? Don't make me laugh!" She gave an ugly bark and tossed the phone at Dad, who scrambled to catch it.
"They were popular! Please, it's all about popular! It's not about aptitude, it's the way you're viewed - so it's very shrewd to be… very very
popular, like me!" Her eyebrows went up, and she snapped her fingers at Dad one last time.
In a cloud of smoke, he emerged… dressed in a crop top and long pants, a red-white version of Velvette's own outfit with his stomach exposed.
"Well damn. I outdid myself." Velvette grinned.
"I uh. I should. Bye!" Dad scrambled out of the room.
Velvette snorted. "You're welcome, fucker." She gave a slow, devious grin. "And though you protest, your disinterest, I know clandestinely…" Her grin went mad as I looked over her shoulder - and she followed Dad on a new, surprisingly fleshed-out Sinstagram. "You're gonna grin and bear it, your newfound popularity! HA!" She gave a happy little spin. "La la, la la! You'll be popular!" She gave me a side eye. "Just not, quite as popularrr as meeeeee!" She held the note and finished with a pose pointing upwards.
The lights went back up as Velvette walked out, cackling.
"Well. That happened." Cain just smiled politely.
All I could do was nod.
Dad stuck his head back in, back in his usual clothes. "Is she gone?"
…I made sure to give him a firm, warm hug on the way out.
____________________________________________________________________________
Charlie stared at her phone. "Holy shit it worked."
All she had to do was dangle the fact Mammon would be getting very, very paid for very, very not killing Fizz and letting him and Ozzie do what they wanted, and he was more than happy to indulge her. Almost scarily so.
Also, tell that drongo to fuckin' call! That cunt hasn't dropped in to one of my shows in almost a century!
Ozzie waved happily as he made his way out the door-
"Ahem!"
Charlie slowly looked at the TV.
"Hello! So it's been brought to my attention that my GOOD FRIEND Asmodeus is dating a highly successful star! Who happens to be an imp!" Her father smiled from the screen.
Ozzie slowly turned, wide-eyed.
Blitz lifted his sunglasses in shock.
"I just wanted everyone to know that I am totally cool with that! Also, apparently Beelzebub has a hellhound partner! Which is also cool! Because now imps and hellhounds are on equal footing with all you other shitheads down here. Which I never said they weren't, but now I have to say they are! And I have a son who really likes to kill racists, bigots, and war criminals! These things are only mostly related!"
There was a massive rumbling in the near distance. Charlie turned to look out the front door.
A massive plane of glass crackling with lightning spread outside the gate of the Hotel. Merlin strode from it, whistling - while Cain carried a shell-shocked Velvette behind him.
Charlie saw flickers of red wreathed in thorns dragged through the hedges, only for screams to be muffled as soon as they started. One imp in a fedora lunged out, only for a rose bloom to erupt from his eye socket, and a veritable bouquet to sprout from his torso before he was pulled back.
One in a cowboy hat took aim with a rifle, only to vanish from the knees up in a flash of lightning, leaving slag and smoking boots behind.
"Holy fucking shitballs I don't think I've ever been this scared and horny." Blitz stared at her brother.
"Charlie-dear, I'm home!" Merlin caroled, arms wide. "It's a lovely day today!"
Asmodeus blinked at him. "Don't tell him this, but that was-"
"Yeah. Mom would have totally done that." Charlie nodded. Did Merlin need to know that the most likely end result of her mother's 'adoption' attempts was her raising him from a close distance? In a manner that could generously be described as 'abusive'? No. Not really.
…it put a spin on how her mother had 'opinions' about her father sheltering her. A dark yet heartwarming one. (Though maybe the best way had been somewhere in the middle, and she still turned out mostly okay. Mostly.)
Fizzarolli wrapped his arms and legs around Asmodeus, quivering in silence.
Angel let out a low whistle. "Goddamn."
"Force of nature's back," Husk drawled. "Let me get him something sweet to drink while y'all bail." He poured a quick glass and went out to meet Merlin.
"That's a real one." Blitz nodded at Husk.
"Yeah." Angel gave a small smile.
Fizz looked down. "Hey, you should hit us up. For like, social reasons, not business ones," he amended quickly.
Angel thought about it. "Maybe."
Vaggie peered around. "He's got the drink. You've got half a minute."
"Bye sweetums! See you around!" Asmodeus chirped, slinging Blitz over his shoulder before bolting.
A shadow swelled, revealing Alastor in its wake. "Charlie, was that the Sin of Lust and his paramour?"
"Uh huh."
"Golly. Well, the leftovers are truly gone, and we're all quite satisfied! How was your day?"
A limousine pulled up, and Pentious exited it with his Eggs. Only to slide across the glass as the door shut and the car peeled out.
The TV Broadcast had long since ended.
Charlie exhaled, leaning against Angel. "It went well. And now it's all handled and everyone's home."
He smiled down at her while Merlin fished Pentious off the too-smooth surface with boisterous laughter. "Yeah. Tomorrow's another day on the whole 'road to redemption' thing." He looked out at Husk, and gave a wistful sigh.
"Ah! I almost forgot. Now, I am aware of what it cost you to ask what you did of me, my dear." Alastor gave her a commiserating look, or tried. "So I decided on a little gift. I rather think Ambrose will like you having it as well."
With a flick of his wrist, a sheaf of tightly coiled paper appeared in his hand. He held it out to Charlie.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Well, a gift for many people. For you, a new and loyal assistant. For Ambrose, progress for one of his little projects he thought failed. And for the last? A more… lenient employer." Alastor's smile widened. "I did, after all, overhear Ambrose make the offer to make a play. I simply thought it would engender good will to dispense with formalities."
Charlie hesitantly took it.
And Husk flashed gold.
When the light faded, he wore a glimmering golden tux, the hair on his head slicked back, and feathers on his wings and tail immaculately groomed. He looked at his claws in surprise, flexing them as though testing new might. He looked up the hill.
Charlie gave a timid wave.
Merlin began to cackle madly, making Velvette flinch and scramble on top of Cain's head.
Angel swallowed loudly. "Shucks." The lack of profanity sold his reaction.
Husk smirked, tipping his hat. "Well. Good to work with ya. Boss."
Vaggie let her forehead drop against Charlie's shoulder while Angel tugged his collar.
"Husk got a new job! It's his old one! Yay!" Niffty made herself known at last. "TIME FOR CAKE."
"A wonderful idea!"
Charlie sighed, smiling ruefully. "Why not."
____________________________________________________________________________
Okay. Tonight. It was going to be tonight.
Cain fiddled with the drawstring on his pajama bottoms, and took a deep breath. "Hey, uh. Can we talk?"
Ambrose paused from where he physically tended one of the many plants in their room. Something floral and wild, not like what Cain usually grew. "Sure." He stood up and turned to face him.
"So uh, I wanted to say that- well. Uh." Cain rubbed the back of his head. "Shit. It's a good thing, but I'm not sure how to put it."
Ambrose's lips quirked. "Do you want me to look at you?"
"Nah, nah. This is one of those things I've gotta say."
His partner just nodded and walked over, sat next to him. Ambrose might not be able to turn his eyes off, but he could sort of- unfocus? Not go too far under the surface. It was good, that he listened when Cain asked for that.
"So like, we've been together for a long time. Maybe not super long for me, but like – five hundred years is a while. A long while."
"It's only short when you're talking in geologic time, Cain." Am's tone was wry, but he leaned on Cain's arm regardless. "But yeah, we have."
Cain chanced a look at him.
Ambrose thumbed his chin, looking down. "It's a good thing. You were the one thing- one person- that made me truly happy for a very long time." He sat up. "Charlie, Vaggie and the others, Dad- they don't change that. So-"
"Wh- babe, no. No no no, I'm so glad you've made friends with the people here and connected with your family."
Am leaned his head on Cain's arm again. "Okay. So… what's up?"
Cain furrowed his brow, thinking. He wasn't the wordsmith Ambrose became after years at court and centuries haunting the backrooms of Pride. He wasn't a poet or even amazing at communicating, he figured. He just said what he meant with his whole chest. Very colorfully.
"So like, I promised you'd always have a place to come back to. That I wouldn't make you go or leave you. And I've been thinking, y'know? That maybe I should make another promise to you."
Ambrose looked up at him, visibly confused. "Yes. And I promised that even if I did go, that I wouldn't keep you from coming after me. That so long as you wanted me, I'd stay. I've… not been quite as good at keeping that promise." He looked down. "Another promise?" he muttered.
Cain smiled, and put his arm around his half-pint angel. Tiny, vicious, but with a way bigger heart than he cared to admit. He inhaled. Exhaled.
"If I could begin to be half of what you think of me, I could do about anything. I could even learn how to love-" Cain cut himself off.
Am rubbed his arm. "When I see the way you act, wondering when I'm coming back, I could do about anything. I could even learn how to love like you." He stood, walking away from their bed. "I always thought I might be bad- now I'm sure that it's true-"
"Hey now-"
"Because I think you're so good, and I'm nothing like you."
Cain stood and walked to Ambrose, pulling him close. "Look at you go- I just adore you! I wish that I knew what makes you think I'm so special…" He bit his lip for a moment. "If I could begin to do something that does right by you-"
"You do so much-"
"I could do about anything, I could even learn how to love- will you marry me?"
Am's gaze snapped to him, and his mouth dropped open. His eyes paled. "...what?"
"I made a promise, and now I'm doubling down. Will you marry me?" Cain gently lifted Ambrose's hand and held it in both of his.
Ambrose's eyes cleared. The gold turned white, and in place of the inky pools he'd come to know were a soft brown, like the bark of the trees he grew in their own little garden. He bit his lip, tearing up.
Cain had done what no one else had: he'd left Ambrose the Falcon, Merlin Ambrosius, at a loss for words.
His partner held him tightly, burying his face in his chest. Cain held him back.
"...yes."
"When I see the way you look, shaken by how long it took- I could do about anything. I could even learn how to love like you." Cain reached down and tilted Am's face up, gently holding his chin.
Am's eyes glistened. "Love like you." I love you.
…
"Love me, like you."
Cain took Am's hand one more time, and focused his power. Small vines wrapped around his ring finger, blooming a single yellow, fuzzy flower.
"...a dandelion ring." Am smiled helplessly. "Sap."
"Hey, I'm fucking proposing! I'm allowed to be sappy!" Cain protested playfully.
Am grinned, and before Cain could register what was happening he was flat on his back, the breath being kissed out of him.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"It is four am, Hell standard time and there appears to have been a localized hell-quake for the past five hours! There is no notable damage nor any fatalities. How droll!"
"...I'm going back to bed."
"Goodnight, dear listeners! And thank you to our princess' paramour for being such a lovely co-host! This is your beloathed and feared Radio Demon, closing another raucously successful broadcast! Until the morrow!"
A/N: It's not entirely a one-to-one of Dad Beat Dad, notably for the omission of one song. But the crucial one is still there. I have chapters 9 and 10 written and titled 11. No real content warnings this time, aside from discussing Vaggie's arrival in Hell I guess.
___________________________________________________________________________
I leaned back directly into Cain, who didn't budge. "...did we do that?" I whispered.
"I think she's been down here a while," he muttered, sotto voice.
Charlie scrambled in front of a frankly terrifying pin board, one of Velvette's many assistants handing her strings and needles. Said Overlord watched placidly, an espresso in hand.
She sipped.
"She gonna be okay?" Angel leaned against the couch, eyebrow raised. He'd gotten back some of his stride, but still seemed subdued.
"Who knows." Husk squinted, sipping a coffee with a slight frown. He looked at me, glanced at my hand, and raised an eyebrow when his eyes met mine. "Huh. Congrats."
Niffty raised my hand over her head, dandelion-ring in view. "YES! YES! MARRIAGE!"
"Engaged," I stressed, tugging my hand away.
Angel raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Nice." He looked where Charlie kept scrambling. "Think she's been that way all night, though."
"We're a month out from the new Extermination date. No wonder she's stressed." I placed my fist under my chin.
"Charlie? Babe?" Vaggie cautiously approached from the direction of the stairs.
"Oh! Hi!"
Alastor glanced at me from the shadows, raising an eyebrow. He'd been oddly helpful lately. My guess was that him staying out of this was his method of assistance.
...it was probably for the best.
"So I'm just trying to map out what's helping and what's not, because we are one month out and nothing is WORKING-"
"Mmhm. We might need to get rough." Velvette sipped her drink again.
Vaggie gave Velvette a sidelong glare. "Anyways. Babe, I think we might need to-"
Charlie stood up. "No."
"Babe-"
"Noooo."
"Charlie we-"
"NoNoNoNoNoNuuuuuu-"
"Might need to ask your dad for help."
"Vaggieeeeee," Charlie whined, slumping with her hands on Vaggie's shoulders.
"He said if Charlie failed, it wouldn't be on her," Cain said slowly. "Maybe he knows something we don't?"
"Possssibly?" Pentious scratched his chin.
"Or we can go at the problem sideways," I muttered.
"We need to speak to Heaven!" Charlie said triumphantly, drawing our attention.
"It went real well last time," Husk grumbled.
"That one was Carmilla killing the exorcist, not Charlie. Hush."
Velvette jabbed a finger at me, suddenly animated. "I FUCKING KNEW IT!" she snapped, grinning wildly.
"Husk has a point babe, Adam isn't going to listen." Vaggie glanced at Cain thoughtfully.
I narrowed my eyes and stepped in front of him. No. Nuh uh.
Vaggie scowled, glanced at Charlie, and then nodded in understanding.
"And Adam is an asshole. Sorry Cain!"
"I mean, the dad I remember wouldn't be a genocidal fuckmuppet, so clearly something fuckin' changed."
"Clearly," Alastor drawled, exiting the shadows.
"Right, so we need to go above Adam, to the top!"
"Like… the Council?" Cain shifted uncomfortably, and I looked up. He bit his lip, and something very close to fear entered his eyes. "I dunno, Charlie. They're not the cuddliest bunch."
"I vote we reach out to our erstwhile aunts and uncles," I offered, waving a hand. "Apparently they were a softer touch with Dad, so family might matter enough we can get them on our side. And given one of them is Dad's only peer in Heaven-"
"Huh?" Charlie blinked. "What do you mean?"
"...Lucifer, the star of morning, was the most beautiful, wisest, oldest, and most powerful of the angels. Only his brother Michael compared." I paused. "Though then he was called Helel."
"Uh, no. Dad was the youngest, the dreamer, the one who shook up the status quo-" Charlie moved her hands rapidly, eye twitching.
I shrugged. "Well, that's what the humans say. My guess is the truth is somewhere in the middle. Clearly he didn't want you to fear or revere him, so whatever version he gave you put him as the underdog – but I tell you, creation is far more intensive and difficult than destruction. As the best in Heaven, he had a lot of power."
"Okay, wait. You want to bring in the Archangels?" Vaggie looked at me in horror.
"Love and healing, the sciences, charity – we're treading new ground in the name of the common good. This is kind of their thing." I raised an eyebrow.
"Makes sense to me."
"...look, I've only met one of them." Vaggie looked around the room.
"Oh, we're talkin' about that now?" Angel gave her a smirk.
Vaggie relaxed. "Yeah. I've only met Gabrielle: the Archangel of History, Messenger of Heaven. She took a strip off of Adam's hide with words alone, and when Lute tried to step to her she got punted into the lowest part of Heaven with one shot." She looked away. "Then she looked at me and said 'the exorcist corps doesn't suit you. Try my brother's little club.'"
Charlie put her hands on Vaggie's shoulders.
"Well, the exorcists are- how did Cain put it? 'Genocidal fuckmuppets'?" Husk looked at him. "So she wasn't too far off."
"And Michael is in charge of Heaven's armed forces alongside being the Archangel of Charity. You would have been a good fit." I tilted my head in acknowledgment.
"So she was blunt but kind, and already doesn't like Adam and-"
"The psycho bitch who cut your eye out," I finished.
"The. What." Charlie's fingers twitched.
"And took her wings!" I smiled politely.
"Merlin, I appreciate what you're trying to do here- but please don't wind Charlie up and aim her at Lute. We're trying to avoid a diplomatic issue." Vaggie gave me a flat look.
"Well it's not as though we don't have a seraphim in good standing who could raise an issue!" Alastor chimed in. "So chum, what's the best spin here? I'm dying to know the details."
"So Vaggie got got because she refused to kill a kid."
Angel's slight smile turned to a scowl. "What."
Even Niffty covered her mouth, eye wide.
"Mmhm. Now, this is a fuck up on several levels. First, the moral one. Depending on how widespread knowledge of Extermination is, this would immediately set the common person in Heaven to fits. Second, practicality amongst the Exorcists. Sinners can't procreate, and a child Sinner is unlikely to occur. Therefore, there is a greater than nine in ten chance the kid was Hellborn- which would break the treaty Dad made and free his hands to deliver an ass-kicking. And whether he's only the strongest in Hell or tied for strongest in Heaven, he could definitely flambe their little brute squad with a lazy jazz hand." I paused. "And then there's the other thing, which is more theory than not."
"The roots." Charlie gave me a dark look.
I snapped my fingers and pointed at her. "Bingo. If I'm right about what they are, even Heaven won't be safe. But I don't know, and asking Dad…" I trailed off.
"And your theory? If Rosie's concerned, then-"
"An incarnated evil that destroyed Eden, and caused the death of countless angels and the first animals. Something that destroyed paradise." Charlie ran a hand through her hair. "So it's not just our lives at stake."
"Well shit." Angel stood up. "Guess you got a phone call to make, toots." He looked at Charlie, arms crossed.
Velvette, quiet through the explanation, waved her hand in the air. "Wait. She's a former Exorcist."
"Yeah." Vaggie crossed her arms.
"And they kicked you out for having, what, a moral? A singular inkling that perhaps death-murder-kill was not the holiest approach?"
"Yes. Heaven isn't… kind to those who don't toe the line." Vaggie looked away.
"Depends on the faction, same as here. Rosie, Carmilla, and Zestial make a bulwark of more reasonable Overlords. Of the Sins, Beelzebub and Asmodeus are somewhat kinder than Leviathan and Mammon. Everyone has an interest and an angle." Everyone looked at me, and I tilted my head. "I only have third hand information from Earth. My eyes can see that far when I focus."
"So you're not just aiming for backup here. You want to see if you can politic the Exorcists into a corner." Velvette gave me a slow, dangerous smile.
"That's… not the worst idea." Charlie looked at me, a brighter smile of her own beginning to dawn.
Vaggie frowned thoughtfully. "I mean, we might have a shot if we throw your brother at them. Unlike you, he's a full-on angel. And his whole 'tyrants must burn' angle might get him some credit."
"So we get Dad to get us a meeting with Adam's boss. While Vaggie and I run interference there, Merlin can sneak out to meet one of our aunts or uncles and make contact!" Charlie perked up, energy seemingly restored. "Between your shapeshifting, illusions, and clairvoyance you can totally do it!"
"Well my dear, it seems like we have a scheme!"
Husk smirked. "So…?"
Charlie pulled out her phone. "Okay. I called for the thing with Ozzie and Fizz yesterday, I can do this…"
"Daddy Issues?" Husk muttered to me.
I nodded.
Charlie dialed, and I looked up at a touch to my hip.
Cain gave me a hopeful look. "Hey. If we do this, you think-?"
"I'll pitch it to Charlie once we get the ride. If nothing else I'll find out how he's doing." He didn't even need to finish the question.
Cain leaned down and kissed my forehead, beard brushing my hairline.
"No Charlie, nonononononooooo nono nonononono, ah, aheh, no."
"Daaaaad! This is really important! This is like, the most important thing I've ever done!" Charlie looked at me hopefully.
I walked over and looked at the phone. "Dad?"
"Merlin? Bud, listen-"
"We need this. I only have theories, but if we don't move to stop the Exterminations, it could get bad. Worse than you and I could stop, even with the Sins."
Dad paused for a moment. "...what theories?"
"How about this. Come over, see what we're doing. And while you're here we'll explain." Charlie put a hand on my elbow.
"Best not to give Killjoy any ammo in case one of her cronies managed to tap the line," I added.
"You… you're inviting me OVER? Oh yeah, I'll be there in an hour! See you kids soon!" And he hung up.
I looked at Charlie. "Oh he's running on two hours sleep and a full cup of depresso."
Her face fell. "Oh no."
_________________________________________________________________________________
The entryway was spotless, the bar was as clean as it was going to get, the snacks were ready, Angel let Merlin burn yet another of his stashes of his own free will, and things were. Were okay. Mostly okay.
Charlie breathed in, and out. It was fine. It was going to be fine. She was just offering up her life's work so far to her father, who was the King of Hell and an architect among architects from Heaven. The second most influential person in her life. Third, maybe, because Merlin seemed intent on upending both of her parents' positions in that regard.
"Alright, I've gotten the roots threaded more aesthetically through the floorboards and the chaos is a little better managed," the angel in question reported. He waved a hand with a dandelion wrapped around his finger, and carpets covered up the floor. "I can't say if he'll like the décor as is, but that's on him if he has shit taste."
Charlie flashed a nervous grin. "I like the whole 'fairy forest' thing. It's kind of soothing?"
Merlin smirked. "Like I said."
"Alright, it's almost showtime." Vaggie put her hands on Charlie's shoulders, only for her eye to hit the flower on Merlin's hand. "Ambrose. That's a ring."
Charlie went still. She turned her head to look at Merlin. Her eyes darted at the dandelion wrapped around his finger. Then back to him.
A faint gold flush colored his cheeks.
"When."
"Last night. You were, ah, preoccupied this morning so I thought it best not to distract you."
Charlie took a deep breath. "Does anyone else know?"
"The other residents. I haven't been subtle, just haven't announced it either." Merlin glanced at the door. "Cain asked."
"Clearly you said yes," Vaggie drawled, and Charlie heard the smile in her voice from over her shoulder. "Good. You two work somehow, against all reason."
The knock at the door was prompt, exactly one hour after her dad said he'd be there. Charlie took a deep breath, barely noticing Alastor hovering in the shadows. "Showtime, everybody!" she called, turning to open the door.
No sooner had she opened it than she had an armful of excited father. And a compressed ribcage. "CHARLIE! It's SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!"
"Hi… Dad…" she rasped.
He stepped back and immediately knelt, hand reaching out to her cat. "Awww, hewwo Keekee! Lookit you!" He stood up and went for her familiars next. "Razzle! Dazzle! At-ta-ta-ta-ta look at you both! Still fun-sized! Are you taking good care of my little girl? You better be."
Charlie slumped as her dad snickered near the goatlings. She glanced at Merlin, who fixed Alastor with a steely brown(?) glare, before he gave her a questioning look.
Well. She wasn't going to corral the Morningstar on her own. She nodded.
"Dad!" Merlin picked their father up by his shoulders, a feat that would have resulted in any number of demons losing their arms. He gave the King of Hell a firm hug. "Thanks for coming on such short notice. Before we get to business, would you let Charlie and I introduce you to the residents of the Hotel? Now, with the environment we've come to foster, they're not only our patrons and associates but friends and- well, family. I hope you'll keep that in mind?" Merlin set Lucifer down with a warm smile.
Lucifer gave a slow blink, one of his eyelids delayed after the other. "Whuh, uh, sure thing kiddo. Hey, your peepers look kinda different."
"Blame Cain." Merlin rotated her father on the spot. "So Boss Lady, who first?"
And with that, the control was neatly handed back to Charlie and she could hug her older brother later. "So this is Alastor! He's our manager, and managed to help us initially expand our staff." Charlie gestured to the looming cannibal.
"Pleasure to meet you sir, quite a pleasure! Great to finally put a face to the name. Why, you are MUCH shorter in real life!" Alastor's grin took on an edge, eyes glowing red.
Her dad's expression flattened, and Charlie felt a chill of foreboding run down her spine. She did not want to defuse a dick-measuring contest between her longest-running helper and her father.
"Alastor's been an invaluable asset to both Charlie and I in our pursuits, me primarily in my heyday of pruning Pentagram's worst and her in getting this hotel off the ground. In fact, his commercial ended up drawing my attention here in the first place!"
Alastor stood a little straighter.
"He's got a decent pedigree for an Overlord, and despite his tastes manages to line his agenda with ours." Merlin gave Alastor an arch look. "He just sometimes speaks his mind a bit without caring about the ramifications on other people. Yes, he's not as tall as Charlie or I, but this guy is still responsible for designing the majority of the natural world we left behind and can be dated in geologic time. Maybe give him a chance to swallow his foot more before breaking out the cutlery?"
Alastor's mouth shut, and he gave a blithe shrug, expression uncaring. "Hmm." His gesture of concession was as good as an apology as they were going to get.
"Wai, wuh-"
"Aaaand this is Velvette!" Charlie continued, stealing the momentum back once Merlin placated Alastor. "She runs our social media platforms and her personal assistants have really helped me get organized!" She gestured to her office, where a number of Velvette's girls filed her plans into cabinets.
Velvette herself sipped a latte from a takeout cup. "We met." She grinned. "Get any bites, your nibs?"
Her father's expression did something complicated and stressed out before flattening. "No."
Velvette shrugged. "I tried. Ball's in your court, wizard boy."
Rather than decipher the look of anxiety mixed with what might be a very faint hope(?), Charlie moved on. "And you know Cain and Vaggie! Vaggie's been with me since before anyone else, Hotel or no Hotel. And Cain's our newest individual applicant!" Cain gave a jovial wave while Vaggie's was more subdued and awkward.
"Individual?" her dad asked, finally taking initiative. "Like, are there batch applicants?"
Velvette waved a hand. "I have my girls and boys help around the place. Once we settle in, they'll participate. They go to Heaven, they're off my leash." She smirked. "Of course, 'til then they still work for me, and by proxy – your daughter."
"Uhhh-"
"And here's some more of our group! Our second applicant, Sir Pentious and his Eggs-"
"YOUR MAJESTY!" Angel Dust pulled a tray out from under Pentious as he gave a salute and bowed, face hitting the table. A trio of Egg Gurlz immediately began to beat him with feather dusters, leaving him prone.
"Our first applicant, Angel Dust! He's a good friend and an amazing cook-"
"Hey there, Short King." Angel seductively bit into one of Pentious' cookies. "Ooh. Jammie. Nice work, Pen."
"Thanksss." came the muffled response.
"Husk is the bartender and answers directly to me- um, I renegotiated his contract so-"
"Bartender, bodyguard, footman. Whatever her highness needs." Husk sent a spray of cards from one paw to the other, clad in red and gold. He raised a feathered brow. "I moonlight as a counselor when Ambrose is too busy makin' someone's life difficult."
Angel tugged his bowtie, blushing.
Niffty decided to introduce herself by scaling her father and sticking her eye in his face. "I'm Niffty! Hmhmhm I clean."
Lucifer gingerly pulled Niffty off of his coat and set her on the floor. "Nice. Well, uh, you've got a very… uh… ah-huh…" He looked around, a pained smile on his face.
"I did the decoration. I prefer a more sylvan vibe." Merlin fixed their father with a flat stare.
"The bar's mine, though. Very n'awlins. A bit of home, you see!"
Merlin looked at the bar and back to Alastor. "Huh. Didn't know you were Creole."
"On my mother's side, dear boy. And as any radio host worth his salt, I had to perfect a transatlantic affect so I could enunciate at speed! Every word counts in radio!" Alastor preened, fixing his bowtie.
"Mm. Though the Vodoun symbolism that colors your powers should have been a hint. Is it actually-?"
"HEAVENS no! Do I look like a holy man? No, it's just how my powers reflect off my soul."
"Cute," Lucifer drawled. He looked around again and sighed. "Look, Charlie-"
Charlie immediately raced to think of something to keep him off balance so she could ensure her momentum didn't falter. She was better, dammit! She handled Valentino, and Asmodeus, and Mammon and she could damn well handle her father!
"GUESS WHO!?" The front door slammed open.
Everyone looked.
A short, round woman in what could only be the garb of a mid-early 1900s flapper sashayed in. "Alastor!" She made a beeline towards the Overlord without a hint of fear in her beady eyes.
"Mmmmimzy!" Alastor crowed joyfully, striding towards her with open arms. Alright. So friends, then?
Deciding to gauge the situation, Charlie looked at Husk. His lip curled in visible disdain. She made a quick motion and he stalked over.
"This bitch is trouble," he whispered in her ear as she leaned down. "She only shows up when she fucks with some demon and needs Alastor to keep them off her back."
Charlie turned that over in her head. "Let Alastor handle her. I'll take Vaggie, Cain, and Merlin and give Dad the tour. Your job is to get the other residents ready for whatever hits the Hotel without tipping off too much."
Husk blinked at Charlie, almost surprised. He smiled. "Got it, boss."
"I can do a scrap, but I think I'll let 'Card Count' take the reins on this." Velvette made herself known.
Charlie looked up to see Alastor hugging Mimzy. Definitely friends. She turned her attention to Merlin and their father.
Merlin stood with a hand on one hip, eyebrows furrowed. "Run that by me again?"
"Look, I'm just saying- I guess they're alright for sinners, but-"
"But now we need to say 'see you later' while the four of us give you the rest of the tour!" Charlie cut in. "Vaggie, Cain?"
Cain perked up. "Oh! Wanna see my greenhouse?"
Vaggie gave Charlie a sympathetic smile before it turned rueful – right as Cain dragged her father by the collar through the massive double doors to his indoor garden.
The King of Hell gawked at all of them as the doors shut.
The rest of the inhabitants milled about while Husk neatly directed them, and-
"...this might be a tougher nut to crack than I thought." Merlin's eyes narrowed dangerously. Something her dad said while she wasn't watching had hit a nerve.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Charlie offered.
Merlin exhaled. "We're short on time as it is. Let's just keep this going. I'll try to keep him on task and you show him the sights. We can talk about the roots if he digs his heels in regarding reaching out." He looked at Charlie. "But… thanks." He gave a wan smile.
Charlie put an arm around his shoulders. "Any time. Let's go make sure your fiance doesn't melt Dad's brain with plant facts or something."
Vaggie gave an innocent whistle as she led the way, making Charlie stifle a giggle in her free hand.
_________________________________________________________________________________
A bit of gold dripped from my finger into my palm, and I discreetly released another bundle of white feathers with golden eyes off of the balcony. If Husk thought trouble was coming, I wanted to see it.
"So Dad, what d'you think?"
"Huh?"
"Of the hotel?"
Dad perked up a little. "Oh yes, it's very nice what you've done with it! Though this railing, whoo, one good trip and whoopsie, bye-bye!" He leaned halfway over and waved his arms with a jovial laugh.
Right then. "Stop overcompensating and talk straight. What seems to be the issue?"
Charlie's head snapped towards me.
"Ov- what? I don't know what you-" Dad tugged his collar.
I narrowed my eyes, but stilled when Cain put a hand on my shoulder.
"Dad? Are you okay?" Charlie rubbed her hands together. "Was this a bad idea?"
Dad inhaled. "Charlie. I love that you want to see the good in people, but these- these sinners. They're kind of the worst. I don't know how much you can really expect from them."
Vaggie looked away, and I bristled. Cain's grip tightened.
"Dad- they're. They're our people." And that's what made Charlie fit to rule. She gave a damn.
"Charlie, our people are AWFUL! We gave them free will and look what they did with it!" Dad flung his hand outwards, towards Pentagram.
I opened my mouth, only for Cain to cover it. My blood boiled.
"And Heaven, well, they're not as open-minded as you might think! They have rules, lots of them-"
"I know! I know they hurt Vaggie for not toeing the line, and left her here. But there are people like her up there!"
Dad blinked, surprised. "Oh, she- she told you? Good. But look, one exception doesn't mean that, well-"
I forced Cain's hand down. "So you think it can't be done. Or rather, you would prefer to resent these people, monsters and victims, rather than confront your part in all of this."
Dad gawked at me. "Bwuh?"
I stalked forward. "Honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. It's been staring me in the face this entire time."
"What has? Merlin?" Charlie laid a hand on my shoulder. I gently squeezed it, and let go.
"Wheat fields."
His face scrunched up. "Kiddo, I don't get what you're talking about."
Charlie's gasp showed she did. "Like Cain?" she whispered.
I snatched the hat off his head and the cane out of his hand with a singled fluid motion.
"Wha-hey!" He flailed his arms. "Kiddo, what-"
"Is it worth it? To beat yourself over your head with your one worst moment, never giving yourself a single measure of grace?" I shook them in his face. "Apples! Snakes!"
"That… the apple gave free will-" Charlie said slowly.
"No, Charlie."
Lucifer's eyes shot open.
"The apple gave 'knowledge of good and evil'. Every animal, everything has free will from the start. Morals, ethics, philosophy – that's what the apple had. And also apparently a giant root-monster, but that's secondary. From the moment humans ate of the fruit of knowledge, they forsook the fruit of life. They traded, wittingly or otherwise, immortality for cognizance." I cleared my throat. "And that came with a lot of problems. As humans were now mortal, they were exiled from Eden. Adam and Eve had to toil- farming, hunting, gathering, that was all stuff they had to invent. Life was so, so hard after Eden. It's changed some – gotten easier in some ways and worse in others. Modern conveniences and government also brought oligarchy and consumerist capitalism." I swallowed. "But whatever Dad's intentions were – and I do believe he meant well – the humans above resent him for denying them their paradise."
"But even if they had free will, how could they be free without understanding all that stuff?" Charlie asked.
"Charlie…" Vaggie made an aborted gesture.
"Dad and Mom really didn't talk about 'before'. There were bits once in a while, but we were so busy surviving that we didn't have that luxury." Cain looked away, frowning. "I wondered about Eden once in a while, but. Yeah."
I looked at Dad.
He kept staring, wide-eyed. Frozen.
"Dad, I can't sugar-coat this. The world broke back then, and it's never been fixed. Nobody down here has tried to fix it. If anyone in Heaven has, I've only seen minimal success. Or maybe that's just humans using your gift to do the work for them." I looked at the hat, the cane. "It was too much, too soon. Humans were always more intelligent and adaptable than other animals. I think they could have been taught. But that ship has long sailed."
"You… lived up there." Dad finally spoke.
Charlie's hand tightened on my shoulder. "Dad?"
"Do you hate me? For what I did?" He looked at me, eyes soft.
"Do I hate you for something that happened when dinosaurs were still a thing? No. Yes I lived among humans, yes they hurt me, and yes I ultimately gave up and threw what humanity I had away. Maybe too early, because I just hadn't met the ones I could find home with." I looked at Cain. "Both in Camelot and here."
He smiled.
"But those were their choices, and mine. You made me, but everything else? That's just the world as it is. Picking at that old wound won't do anything good."
Charlie stepped forward, face pensive. Slowly, she nodded. "Merlin's right, Dad. The story you and Mom told me, it's- it's obviously way more complicated than I could have understood as a kid. And maybe, someday you'll be able to tell me all of your side. But for now, it's okay. Blaming you won't fix anything. And if it can't be fixed, then it still won't make things better." She huffed a little. "And it was a really, really long time ago."
Dad's lip wobbled.
"Sir… we're all better than our worst moments." Vaggie looked up. "I was an Exorcist, but I'm giving all I've got to make this Hotel work. For Charlie, for your people. For my friends and family." She straightened her shoulders.
"If people make the decision to change and put in the work, they totally can. I mean, remember how pissed I was when we met?" Cain walked forward. "I did some work on my own, but like… Am saved me. He gave me someone to hold on to, when I hadn't had that in forever. And now, here, at this Hotel? Ange and Pen and Husk and Niff and Al and Vel and Char and Vaggie? I don't remember being this happy since Abel was alive." He put his arms around the three of us, Charlie and Vaggie and I.
Our father opened his mouth-
And the hotel rocked.
I peered through my little spies, and my lip curled in irritation. "Oh. Loan sharks."
"Mimzy?" Cain asked flatly.
"Mimzy," Charlie agreed in the same register.
Dad straightened up.
I looked at his hat and cane. "...if you want to reclaim this as a part of your power, fine. But… don't torture yourself with it."
He took them back, briefly leaning into me. "I'll… try to keep it in mind." He gave a half smile. He glanced down as the Loan Sharks rammed the door again. "But seriously. This is what I think of when I think sinners."
Charlie dragged a hand down her face. "Just get us inside," she grit out.
_________________________________________________________________________________
They leapt through a portal as Lucifer strode through, closing it behind him.
"¡Que carajo! What's going on here!?" Vaggie snapped.
Alastor glanced at the bar.
"Wellll I might have pissed off some loan sharks and I miiiight have taken out a loan for fifty grand." Mimzy sweat, bridging her fingers.
THUD.
"And I also might have stolen the loan shark's car! And run over his girlfriend. But the bitch had it coming!"
Cain looked at Merlin, and winced. Mimzy fucked those guys over, and if he had his way he'd ash them all and be done with it. Including Mimzy. That would piss of Al, and…
Alastor made a sound like harsh static. "One would think they would hesitate to attack a place under my protection."
"Especially after what you did to Vox. Not to mention I haven't been shy about being here either." Velvette lifted her phone, eyes glowing crimson.
There was a crash. An explosion. Fire.
Cain turned his head, heart sinking as flames licked the carpet, rubble fell, and Am's plants scorched and died.
Pentious quickly grabbed Niffty before a rock bigger than her crushed her. "Eggies! To arms! We need water and dirt on thesssse flames!" he screeched.
"Fuckin'- Charlie, what do we do?" Angel barked out.
Cain looked at Charlie, who stared first at Mimzy, then the door.
"Charlie, sweetie, this is what sinners do. They're violent psychopaths bent on carnage and suffering-"
"Because your wife is such a great role model!"
Lucifer's jaw snapped shut, and Charlie reeled as though slapped.
"And the holy rollers upstairs are no help either! Annual genocides! A Queen who tells them to go by survival of the fittest, to dominate or be dominated for survival! To rebel against any and all sense of order, even to their detriment! A silent King!" Ambrose stood tall, lion's tail thrashing behind him. His antlers sprouted, ram-horns curled, six wings flared. His suit bled from red to pale green, and all six of his eyes opened. "Of COURSE they act like this! What other realistic outcome was there!?" And tears began to trickle.
Above his head twined a vine. A fourth was the green of new growth. The next, the red and yellow of summer. The third, withered brown and orange. The last, pure white. Bleeding into each other, with four round nodes- a halo encircling his horns.
"Maybe instead of sitting in judgment like the fuckers who pitched you here, you can fight for your daughter's dreams!" Ambrose roared, shoulders up. "Because she's the only one trying to fix a damn thing!"
Charlie stared in shock, hand to her mouth.
Ambrose raised his cane, and it shattered. It fell away, revealing a wood-hewn pommel bracing a length of crystal forming into a sabre. With a sweep, the flames in the Hotel died.
And Lucifer… flinched.
Charlie looked to Cain, mouth working. Her jaw firmed. "Cain, Vaggie! Get those sharks off our lawn!" She whirled around. "Alastor! Do NOT let Mimzy get hurt OR get away! Velvette, make this look as good as you can! We need to send a message! Merlin, Pentious, keep any fires out and damage to a minimum! Angel, get in the kitchen with Niffty away from the fighting! Husk, you're with them – both of you keep her and the Eggs safe!" She paused. "And Dad…"
Lucifer blinked at Charlie, as though she were someone completely new.
"Just… watch." Charlie nodded to Cain.
"ALRIGHT big guy, let's go!" Vaggie jogged next to him to keep up with his stride as they made for the door. "Here's the plan. You make the terrain as hostile as you can for them, and I-" She looked at her spear. "Shit."
Cain didn't break stride as he drew a staff of wood from the ground, a gray stone protruding from the tip. "This won't end them for good."
Vaggie gave a savage grin. "Roger that." She stowed her spear and took the makeshift for herself. "What about you?"
Cain drew back his fist. "What about me?" he growled, eyes glowing a verdant green.
And with a single backhand, he blew the door off its hinges.
"MIMZY! GET OUT HERE YOU-"
The earth bucked.
"Didn't know you did dirt!" Vaggie called, sweeping the stumbling sharks to the ground and kicking them downhill one by one.
"Comes with the territory," Cain growled, flexing his palms.
They'd almost smashed Niff. They scared Pen. They brought fire to his home, where his people were.
And even if it was Lucifer being dumb, even if they were just an example he used of how bad, how awful people were… they made Am cry.
With a roar, Cain flung his arms skyward.
Root and branch and trunk grew, lashing around the outcrop the Hotel perched upon. Twining bark and growth braced it, growing up and around their home. The force of it brought a gale, broke earth, and sent the sharks and imps scattering into the skyline.
Save one.
The last one, the biggest one, hefted a molotov burning bright, aimed it at him. Cain braced himself against the incoming pain.
"THE HELL YOU DON'T!" Vaggie roared, ramming her spear into the shark's guts.
He choked, spitting blood, eyes wide-
"RAAAAAAAGH!" With a roar, she spun, leapt, and flung him into the far distance with a strength belied by her thin limbs.
Dust and debris tumbled around him, and Cain looked.
His Greenhouse was fine. The tree was growing in, patching the damage the sharks did. Familiar gray eyes blinked at him with warmth. Something like pride.
He noticed the lack of Vaggie coming down, so he turned his head.
Vaggie stared at him, wings that hadn't been there beating against the air. "Um. Shit."
"Did you, uh, not have those?"
Vaggie blinked and looked at her shoulder. "Oh, SHIT." She dove and landed in front of him. "I don't- Lute tore them off?"
"So they coulda grown back, but didn't. What changed?"
Vaggie swallowed. "I just, I had to protect this place. Charlie, and, well. You guys." She looked up at him.
Cain breathed deep. "Yeah. Me too." He smiled and pat the new bark. "Looks like my tree came here from the farm."
"That's not the only thing," Vaggie muttered, staring at him in shock. She shook herself. "Right. Let's head on in."
He reached out an arm around Vaggie to pull her into his side, and when she leaned he noticed the vine draping leaves that encompassed her too. "Bwuh?"
She pointed up with grim amusement in her eye.
Cain reached over his head, and touched another vine. He dragged his hand, noticing the circular curvature. "Hhhhuh. Huh. Oh."
"Yeah." Vaggie grinned victoriously.
"Oh SHIT."
"YEAH." She raised a hand.
Honestly, the only thing to do was hi-five.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The fighting stopped outside, and Charlie let out a sigh of relief. "Dad…" She looked at him.
Her father looked at her and Merlin, slumped over.
Merlin looked away. "I overstepped. I shouldn't have compared you to the Council, no matter how angry I was. It was wrong of me. I'm sorry."
"It hurt." Their father waited for a moment. "But maybe it cut deep for a reason. You can take an angel out of Heaven, but…" He gave a despairing chuckle.
"Dad, there has to be someone up there who can-"
"No Charlie! Heaven doesn't listen! They never listen!"
"You don't know that! I'm not asking for an Exorcist, I'm asking for our family!"
"I DO KNOW THAT! They couldn't save me then, and they can't save you now!" Lucifer shivered. "You… didn't know that when… I tried this all before… my dreams were too hard to defend."
A scene bloomed. A broken, burning circus. LuLu Land, a hollowed husk. A spark cast on the ground.
"And in the end, I can't lose it all again- now you're the only things worth fighting fooooor…"
Spears wreathed her and Merlin, and before her brother could raise his blade her father tugged them away, putting himself between them and danger- letting the sword clatter to the ground.
"More than anything- more than anythiiiing, I'll shelter and adore you more than anythiiiiing." Their father held them close, eyes plaintive, trying to communicate his love for them.
"Someone protecting me? That's… novel." Merlin averted his eyes. He looked at the ground, but Lucifer didn't let him go.
"Dad, we don't need you to protect us from this." Charlie held Merlin's hand firmly, and her brother looked up.
"I just, I don't want you to be crushed by them. Like- like I was."
"Dad…" Charlie stepped forward. "When I was young, I didn't really know you at all. I always felt so small, but I heard your stories and I was enthralled." She thought back on a time when she was a child, where she peeked in his workshop late at night.
"The tales of your lofty dreams, I listened breathlessly- imagining it could be meeee! So in the end, it's the view I had of you- that showed me dreams can be worth fighting foooor."
She looked around. Alastor's smile had a bit of warmth, even as Mimzy bounced inside a cocoon of tentacles. Vaggie and Cain peeked in the doorway, grinning happily. Niffty stared in wonder from Angel's arms as he tilted his head with a fond smirk, Husk mirroring his expression.
"More than anything, more than anythiiiing- I need to save my people more than anythiiiing!"
Velvette propped her chin on her hand, eyes slightly wide. She gave a rueful smile.
Merlin stepped back, gently nudging her forward with a kiss on the top of her head.
"I've been dyin' to find out who you are," her father sang, stepping forward.
"I've been waiting, wanting the same thing." She met him in the middle.
"Looks like the apple doesn't fall far." "Took you a while!" "I missed that smile!"
They took each others' hands and began to spin.
"All that I'm hopin', now that my eyes are open, is that we can start again- not be torn apart again!"
Her father opened a portal, and they flew.
"'Cause in the eeeend you're a part of who I am!" "And I'll support your dreams, whatever lies in stooooore!" "Who could ask for more?"
She reached out and touched the primordial gold of creation beneath her father's big top, lights warm.
"More than anything!" "More than anything!" He tossed her skyward, and she danced through the air only to be warmly caught. "More than anything!" "More than anything!"
"I'm grateful you're my father/daughter more than anything!"
They landed.
"More than anything…"
Pentious sniffled, his eggs dabbing their shells with hankies. "That wasss ssweet," he whispered.
Her father sighed. "Sweetheart, if I manage to get you this meeting, I- I won't be able to go with you. Will you be okay?"
"Oh, she'll be great!" Vaggie strode forward with a level of excitement Charlie'd never seen in her. "You know why!?"
Lucifer leaned back. "Uh, no! Why?"
Vaggie's wide grin crinkled her eye. "Because we've got a PROOF OF CONCEPT!" She swept her hand back.
They all looked.
Cain waved awkwardly, a pair of massive wings - shaped like his fathers but with brown vines and green leaves - sprouting from his back. A vine halo gently gleamed over his head. "So uh, apparently protecting people you love is redeeming or some shit?"
Charlie's jaw dropped.
"Sweet merciful choir," her father whispered harshly.
Merlin stumbled over, face slack. Visibly numb.
"...Am?" Cain fidgeted, nervousness more pronounced.
"...are we gonna have to preen these or prune them, I wonder?" he finally asked absently, running his fingers down Cain's wing.
Cain slumped with a fond smile. "Practicality? Now?"
"Hush, farm boy, I'm processing."
"FUCKING YES!" Angel crowed, jumping up and down. Niffty, still in his grasp, cheered with him- "WAHAHAHA!"
Alastor remained silent, frozen. His eyes were wide in shock.
Husk stared in awe first at Cain, then at Charlie. "Well, damn." He gave a sharp grin. "Looks like trial and error paid off."
And something clicked. "If redemption is personal, it means something different to each person. It's not one size fits all, so while they might not do it alone, it can't be done for them. Meaning the Hotel has to act as an aid rather than a direct catalyst-" Charlie put her hands on her face. "Ohmygod. Ohmygod Vaggie- Wait, wings!?"
Vaggie ducked her head, blushing. "Uh, yeah." She tucked them behind her. "We kind of had a moment outside."
Charlie scooped her in her arms with a whoop. "Dad, Dad!"
He just stared at them, then blinked rapidly. "Yeah. Yeah, I will, will definitely- so Cain and your brother are going, right?" He looked at Charlie.
"Um, yeah!" Cain grinned wildly. "Now I can finally go apologize!"
No further context was needed. "Good show, my friend!" Pentious slithered over and excitedly pumped the arm that wasn't cradling Merlin to him.
Velvette hummed happily. "And now with a proof of concept, we might actually get some foot travel."
"You seem awfully happy for someone who's going to be losing contracts in the coming days," Husk drawled.
"Revolving door, luv. There will always be new sinners down on their luck for me to snatch up." Velvette smirked. "Not to mention, if I run too low? I hear your boss is rather easy to live with. I might pitch a deal myself."
Husk snorted. "She'll try to make you 'better'."
"Try being an operative word. Free to do so, the dear." Velvette chuckled.
With a whoop, Angel and Niffty jumped on Cain, Angel hugging him and the maid climbing him like a literal tree.
Alastor finally unfroze. "A miracle in Hell. I'd never have dreamed it if not seen it." His smile widened beatifically. "Oh, the sheer CHAOS this will cause upstairs! I can't WAIT to tell Rosie!"
Merlin shot him a look.
"Come now, it's not as though I told her about your engagement! I'm not remotely that boorish!"
"His. WHAT."
Uh oh. Dad time.
_________________________________________________________________________________
One Mimzy and several texts later-
Rosie: DARLIN I AM CATERING. YES I HAVE ACCESS TO WRATH MEATS. NO ARGUMENT.
Carmilla: Congratulations. Best of luck with your sibling and father fighting over who gets to officiate and who walks you down the aisle.
Zestial: Forsooth, thou wern't already bound in the ties of matrimony? Hmm. Congratulations all the same, old friend.
"Ssso. You're gonna go up there, where Adam is, with his newly redeemed firstborn. As his fiance." Dad stared at me while Mimzy marched away in a huff, summarily dismissed by Alastor.
He couldn't afford to jeopardize his standing with us, not without having his contract broken. Not to mention we'd already handed him a win over his greatest rival to boot.
"Yes." I folded my hands in front of me.
"...green your new color?" Dad asked after a moment.
I hesitated. "Red's pretty much 'the' color down here. I've suppressed this for a while."
"Eh. Greed ring has green, but not like you." He looked at me with my tail, horns, and wings out. "It looks good on you." He smiled.
"Dad-"
"Hey. I've been mad and said shit I shouldn't too. You already apologized." He squeezed my hand in his. "I forgive you." He exhaled and looked at Charlie while the others set the hotel in order. "Serathiel- Sera- is the head Seraphim. You'll end up meeting with her. She's been… vehement that all matters of Hell are to go through her."
I shrugged. "Okay."
"Sure." Charlie nodded.
Dad raised an eyebrow.
"Dad, Merlin's a shapeshifting illusionist soothsayer. Once we're in, he can bug out and find our aunts and uncles on his own." Charlie smirked.
Dad's eyes widened. "OH nonono, we cannot do that, that is- that's bad, no-"
"Dad-" Charlie reached forward.
"No, it's not your aunts and uncles, Sera is- she okayed the Exterminations, she might have you guys killed to shut him up!" Dad spread his hands. "If you play by their rules, and they have a lot, you MIGHT get a fair hearing. Maybe."
"Might isn't good enough." I frowned. "Not with the side-effects of the Exterminations." I looked around. The red eyes that had peppered the building were gone, replaced with the gray that Cain's tree had back at the farm. It had truly come here.
"What side-effects?" Dad asked, blinking.
"So you know those red eyes everywhere?"
"No?" Dad squinted. "What're you talking about?"
...they weren't in the palace.
"The red eyes attached to roots through all of Pride. Except here, because Cain's friendly tree seems to block them out."
Dad's lips parted slightly. The lack of exaggeration was more chilling than anything.
Charlie pulled her phone out and inhaled sharply. "Okay, it's worse."
I looked to her.
"So I asked Belle a couple months back if she saw them in Sloth. It always takes time for her to respond. She said yes." She put her phone away. "So they're basically all through Hell at this point."
"No- no. That's, but how?" Dad shivered.
"The manner in which sinners are killed releases their essence into Hell. The roots feed, grow, and spread. The more dead sinners – permanently by angelic weaponry – the more food. Eight thousand years, and the last one took sixteen percent of a population of billions." I folded my arms. "We need to stop the Exterminations now."
The gray eyes looked down at us with sadness.
"But how… it…" Dad stumbled to a wall, only for an eye to meet his gaze. The gentle gray was covered partly by a lid, and an air of nostalgia filled it. "Oh. You."
I looked at Charlie, and she shrugged.
Dad's shoulders shook. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better than this. You all did." I didn't think he was talking to us. He took a sharp breath. "Right. This… changes some." He stood straight and whipped his head at us.
Charlie and I straightened up.
"I'll go to Sera first through the usual channels. She'll expect you. I… before I fell, one of my siblings snuck something to me. It survived the fall, despite not much else." He waved a dark hand at us. "I mean, I had to regrow the skin on my arms, all of my wings, my feet- and now I got hoovsies." He raised a leg. "Tail just kinda happened though."
"...well, no one can say your trauma isn't justified," I murmured.
Charlie just nodded sadly.
"I- my siblings didn't know. They thought I was just going to get escorted here. I think. I hope." Dad swallowed. "But I have a way to contact them. I just. Haven't."
"Because not knowing wasn't as scary as them rejecting you too."
Dad looked down, then looked at me. "Yeah. Right on the head, kiddo." He looked at the eyes again, and they crinkled lovingly. "Look, this tree- she's a person. A good person, who I can with all honesty say does not deserve to be here. Take care of her, and she'll take care of you. She's trapped in a contract, an old one, and this is the end result."
"...she totally protected Cain from the backlash of making the meat plants."
Dad barked a laugh. "Of course she would. He's-"
The eyes widened.
"He's very dear to her. Kindred spirits," he amended.
They relaxed.
...oh.
Charlie gave me a questioning look.
I frowned at the 'tree'. "He'd be happier knowing."
Sorrow.
"Fine. I'll respect your wishes, but if he figures it out and asks? I'm fully throwing you under the bus."
The eyes rolled in wry amusement.
"I guess all that's left is…" Dad looked at us. Smiled. Took us in his arms one more time.
"Good luck, kids. Love you."
And he stepped back into a crimson-gold swirl of ether, vanishing.
Charlie and I stood there in quiet.
"Sssso. Time to go face all of Heaven with our newly angelic partners?" Charlie asked with bravado, lightly punching the air.
I smirked, elbowing her lightly. "And each other, of course."
Charlie grinned back. "That goes without saying, brother mine."
_________________________________________________________________________________
Lucifer set the ornate phone back in its cradle, shaking with nerves. He'd done it. He'd gotten the meeting.
Okay. Easy part done. Fine.
He gently pulled out the small golden shard from his desk, where it had stayed for thousands of years.
"In the sun, I see your light," he intoned.
The gold, thin as paper, unfolded into a sheet the size of his face. It shone gently, like the distant sun on a cool spring day. The gold rippled in silence.
For an instant, Lucifer thought about putting it away. He tried, right? He-
The ripples cleared, and color took over the gold.
Beyond the tiny portal was a spartan office. A bookshelf with thick tomes to one corner, a large desk stacked neatly with papers and an in/outbox. The outbox was full. A pen and inkwell. A calendar with an image from before pictures existed, of seven seraphim lounging in the garden.
Behind the desk sat a larger-than-life presence he hadn't felt in eons. Broad in shoulder, clad in white with a rainbow of military badges- at first glance.
Some were military but others symbolized smaller achievements. Orphanages. Women's shelters. Soup kitchens. Animal shelters. Drives to fight illness, physical and social. Even a small cluster of Pride pins near the heart.
Lucifer looked higher, saw the golden epaulets and cords. The stiff white collar.
The parted lips in shock, the red dots on the cheeks same as his. The short-shorn hair as white-gold as his own.
The blindfold with a conecentric sun, triangle rays splayed around it.
"Hel? Luci?" his brother whispered, deep tenor sinking like sunlight into his bones.
Lucifer swallowed. "Hey, Mike. Been a minute, huh?" he croaked with a timid smile.
His brother paused. Lifted the corner of his blindfold.
A single golden eye pierced through every defense Lucifer had, but he stood strong. It only swept the surface, but that was enough.
The blindfold dropped.
Lucifer slumped. "Yeah, uh. I wasn't sure how to. Words."
"You've had a long day. Very social." Michael's understanding warmed him as it always did, so very long ago when he was so very small. His brother gave a small smile. "You did well, in the end. Your best."
Lucifer shivered, biting back a wretched sob. He was dimly aware of Michael standing on the other side of the parchment.
"I understand some of what is happening, but not all. I'll need you to explain- later. For now…" Michael trailed off, and the light bloomed.
Lucifer stood at his desk, eyes wide.
Michael stood before him, in Hell. With him.
"Lucifer Morningstar, you are being detained for questioning regarding the nature of this 'Hazbin Hotel'. You will be under guard of one or more of the Archangels Six for the duration of your stay, where you will be remanded to Manor Archangel. This may be anywhere from one week to one month. Questioning may expand to wellbeing of yourself and your family – including an unregistered son and daughter – alongside what other requirements apply to the running and improvement of Hell. Compliance will be rewarded with limited travel permissions, with clearance determined by your guard and guide. Do you understand this directive?"
Michael. You rules-lawyering, mother-henning son of a bitch.
"I heard that." Michael's stern mien cracked with a small smirk.
"I- yeah. Yeah, visting you guys sounds- yeah. And with the kids."
"I don't know what you mean. You are being detained for questioning, nothing more."
"Sure, sure." Lucifer held his hands out together, wrists up. "Take me in, copper."
"I'm military. However, compliance recorded." And Michael took his hands, pulling him into the light.
The air was clean in the office of the Barracks of Charity. Pure in a way even the palace he lived in couldn't replicate.
Lucifer leaned against his big brother, reveling in the simple contact. It was almost like when he was a kid again.
"...Little Lightbringer." His brother's voice went low. Dangerous.
"Huh?"
"What has happened to your hands?" Michael's large hands cupped Lucifer's mangled claws, his own eagle wings fluttering like a building solar storm.
A/N: Have I written a new chapter? No. Will I, with SMTVengeance releasing today? Also no. So here, the first entry in the Heaven Arc. Today's songs are a riff on 'In The Dark of the Night' from Anastasia and, of course, 'Higitus Figitus' from Sword in the Stone.
______________________________________________________________
I tapped my cane on a suitcase. "Alright, packing time!"
"It's gonna be a day," Cain pointed out.
"Uhhh." Vaggie looked at Charlie, who was bouncing in her seat.
We'd gotten all of our stuff together in one study, and I promised Charlie a magic show. I fully intended to deliver… even if it meant breaking some copyrights.
Eh. It was my song, after all! Somehow despite everything Walt Disney hadn't shown up down here anyway.
"Higitus figitus, zumbakazing!" Everything – books, makeup, even a tea set – jolted upright. "I want your attention, eve-ry-thing!" And it lifted into the air.
Charlie squealed joyfully.
"We're packing to leave, come on let's go-" I grabbed a fascinating toy that Angel must have snuck in. "No, no, not you, books are always first, you know!"
"Madre de Dios."
"Hockety pockety wockety wack, abra cabra dabra nack, shrink in size very small- we've got to save enough room for all!" Books, clothes, and necessities started bouncing into four suitcases, shrinking as they went.
"Oh he's been wanting to do this forever," Cain whispered to Charlie, the princess quivering in excitement.
"Higitus figitus migitus mum, Prestidigitonium!" Stuff kept jumping in, and I kept directing with my cane. "Alakafez, balakafez, malakamez meripedes, hockety pockety wockety- HOLD IT."
Angel's 'treat' had started to wallop some perfume bottles, and that wouldn't do.
"Now, stop, stop stop stop! See here, buttplug, you're getting rough! That set of cologne's seen enough!" I paused, the toy in hand. "Er. Where was I?"
"Hockety pockety." Vaggie stared at me, death in her eye.
"Oh yes, yes that's right. Ahem. Hockety pockety wockety wack, odds and ends and bric a brac-"
"Merlinnnn?" Pentious called from outside.
"I'll be with you in just a minute son, packing time is almost done!"
"Everything's levitating, you absolute cockgargler!" Velvette roared.
"Hey! Easy there, no go ahead." I directed more stuff into the cases. "Dum goo-dily do-dily do-dily dum- this is the best part now!"
Charlie hugged Vaggie, causing her glare to break as they started to levitate too. Cain remained seated, too heavy for the spell to grab. He smirked smugly.
I flipped onto my back as the stool I stood on shot into my suitcase, and the remainder of the packing shot into the containers. I was fairly certain Angel's plug went somewhere it'd fall out at an appropriately comic time.
"Ow."
The door slammed open. "SERVES YOU RIGHT, WIZARD ARSE." Velvette fumed, Pentious dangling from a light fixture in the hall behind her.
"Let's take it from the top!" Alastor jeered, appearing in the study. Charlie cheered at the suggestion.
"NO," Vaggie and Velvette roared in unison.
I gave a meek thumbs-up in response.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Husk, you're in charge. Alastor, Velvette, I'm counting on you guys for any intake and any 'definite messages' that need to be sent if people decide to start problems."
"They won't," Velvette retorted with a vicious grin. "Farmboy and your arm candy cleaning house against an established gang on their lonesome was enough to tip the scales."
Angel kept an eye on Vaggie as she bristled, wings tucked into her usual outfit.
"And of course, WE are still here." Alastor grinned widely. "We're all quite capable of handling ourselves, Charlie."
"Cherri, thanks for coming by to-"
Cherri waved a hand at Charlie. "It's good, Princess. A chance to pester Angie for a mo' and light up any fuckwads to visit?" She hefted a fistful of large bills. "Not to mention all expenses. Keep this up and I might vote you in the monarchy."
"Erm. Monarchs aren't normally elected-"
"Watchit Poindexter, or I'll tie your tongue in a knot."
"With yoursss?"
Cherri blinked, and looked at Pentious.
Pen blinked, surprised at his own audacity.
"...we'll get back on that." Cherri smirked.
Angel flashed her two fingers, and her eyebrow shot up thoughtfully.
Pentious pulled his hat over his eyes.
And with that, a ring of light opened in midair. "And that's our ride!" Merlin rubbed his hands, dressed in a new forest-green suit and sporting his four-part halo.
"See you when we get back!" Cain called.
"Don't take shit from any angel that ain't me!" Angel barked, getting a smirk from Vaggie.
Charlie just laughed and scooped Merlin and Vaggie each under an arm, leaping through – followed by Cain with their luggage.
The portal snapped shut.
Niffty scuttled behind them. "Awww. I missed 'em!"
"They'll be back later, Niff." Husk nodded at her.
The room's air quickly turned awkward.
"Well. Now what?"
"Hmm. A radio show, perhaps?"
"With who? You already cleaned up the competition here." Velvette took on a thoughtful look. "Maybe one from outside Pentagram."
"We could also not make trouble for Charlie while she's upstairs," Angel said, planting two hands on his hip and raising the others for emphasis.
"Well ain't this place nice!"
They all turned as one, facing the upper balcony.
She was tall. Like, Cain-tall. Wearing a violently pink business suit with shoulder pads and a pencil-skirt, with legs that made Angel jealous. The fuck-me pumps were the same shade of pink, accentuating her pale skin. She was broad and strong, chest pushing at the fabric of her blazer and stretching the pink tie over her white button-down. Small spiral earrings dangled from her ears, almost hidden by the massive black winged lashes that extended to either side of her head. Friendly blue eyes examined them all, with a head topped by a tightly braided beehive studded with what was either very clean rose quartz or pink diamonds.
What really tipped Angel off were the prominent red dots on her cheeks – marks the same as Charlie's family.
"Oh shit," he whispered. He was raised Catholic. This was an Archangel.
"Aw, don't you worry your pretty little heads, hunnybuns." She waved a large hand studded with hot pink nails, moving it across her face and drawing attention to the blue mascara and red-hot lipstick. All told, it should have been gregarious to an extreme – and it was.
But there was something that pulled deep in Angel's chest. The image she portrayed, the confidence in each step as she walked down the stairs, the iridescent wings that trailed her every strut – this was a goddess in the flesh. She was loud, proud, and knew her worth. She was everything he pretended to be- everything he wanted to be. She was comfortable in her skin in a way he'd never seen before.
"You seem to have us at a disadvantage," Alastor offered, grin tight. Even Angel could see he was on edge.
"I guess! Well- hm. Oh!" The angel strode over to Velvette. "Oh hun, I love your ensemble. Heart patterns and the red/black? Very here, very chic. And you've got to tell me who does your hair- mine takes for-absolute-ever to get done!" She flung a hand upward, emphasizing the beehive.
"Try having kinky hair and doing extensions. It doesn't get better." Velvette flicked one of her poofy pigtails. "But my esteemed associate has a point: who're you when you're at home?"
The angel smiled, hands fluttering. "Sweetpea, I am the Artist! Paint, music, sculpture, architecture, weaving and clothwork, the human body- the world is my canvas, and I aim to fill it with joy. I am the Archangel Jophiel, maker of Beauty." She gave a small curtsy. "It's so nice to meet you all!"
"So you're not gonna kill us?" Niffty asked. She sounded almost disappointed.
"Sugar, no! Whatever gave you that idea!?" Jophiel leaned back, visibly appalled. "Babygirl, who hurt you?"
"I have a list." Niffty's eye went sharp and her grin manic.
Jophiel looked around, lips pursed. "Well. We can discuss that a little later. So what happened was, our baby boo Helly- sorry, Lucifer- rang up Big Mike yesterday and it looks like things weren't running as smoothly as advertised."
Angel stared. Along with everyone else.
"And while we know about this Hotel and a little about our new-ish niece and nephew, we don't know a whole lot about Hell! Hard at work, hardly working, hmm?" Jophiel smiled. "So we were hoping y'all wouldn't mind coming to stay with us for a little while and answer some questions, maybe look around upstairs! Give you something to really work for with this redemption gig." She gestured around the room. "Oooh, it's so cozy! I love it, very faerie woodland. Relaxing vibes, adorable."
"So… this isn't an attempt to keep Charlie quiet so Exterminations can keep happenin'?" Angel asked slowly.
"The what now."
Angel cowered at the full force of Jophiel's attention.
Her expression immediately softened. "Oh sweetie, no. It's okay." She offered a hand, kneeling down with a gentle look. "I'm sorry, you just got me off guard. That's a very ugly word, and I just don't know what it means in context."
"Oh, is that all!" Velvette grinned widely. "So once a year your lot comes down to do a genocide to keep the population under control. Exorcists, right? Led by Adam."
Jophiel's head slowly turned to regard Velvette. Angel swore he saw her face distend into a beak. This close, he saw the rosy halos circling her hair.
"It's why this hotel started! So people would stop dying." Velvette smirked. "To holy steel."
"Ahhh, it's true! But that look on your face, Lady Jophiel… You didn't know?" Alastor's eyes gleamed with malevolence.
"Yeah. Fact of life. Once a year, the embassy clock hits zero, and you hide your best for twenty-four hours while a bunch of psychos rip your neighbors apart with their bare hands and silver weapons." Cherri shrugged.
Niffty nodded like a bobblehead doll.
Jophiel looked back at Angel, eyes wide, hurt.
"It's… yeah. That Adam guy said that the Exterminations were entertainment too, so like. Just for them? How many people know?" Angel swallowed nervously.
Jophiel moved to take her hand back, but on impulse Angel took it in his. She was visibly upset.
"Honey, this is the first I've heard of it. How long has this been going on?"
"Mmm, eight thousand years or so. Now, our Ambrose does more controlled purging in forms of warlords and those who could organize Hell into something even more exceedingly unpleasant than we have now – but Extermination day is FAR less… targeted, shall we say?"
Jophiel stood. She didn't let go of Angel's hand, but her grip was gentle.
Husk, having remained silent, took the floor. "So. What now?" He straightened his suit.
Jophiel looked at them all. "Darlins, I really need you to come with me. This is somethin' all six of us got to talk on."
"ROAD TRIP!" Niffty leapt into the air, landing on Pentious' back.
"Do we get time to pack?" Velvette asked in a dubious tone.
Jophiel waved a hand. "Oh poo! I'll just set you kids up with wardrobes on my dime."
The fashionista's grin split her face, and her head turned a full 360. "Now you're speaking my language!"
Cherri blinked, in shock. Shrugged. "Aight. Why not. Sure," she said numbly.
Husk sighed. "I'm sure Charlie will be thrilled."
"Well my good woman, unfortunately-"
"No exceptions."
Alastor looked at Jophiel.
She stared back, tapping her foot.
"As you say." Alastor's ears flattened.
A portal opened into what looked to be the foyer of a bright place, of whites and pale pastels.
"Guess we're headin' on in." Angel steeled himself.
And walked into Heaven at the side of Beauty.
_________________________________________________________________________________
We walked out onto clouds. I immediately felt them as though they were a part of me, every molecule of moisture, every charged particle ready to unleash lightning.
"Oh. My. Gosh. Vaggie, look at this place! It's so bright, and clean, and-!" Charlie bounced ahead.
"Right. Yep. Sooo coool." Vaggie looked utterly unimpressed. She glanced at me. "You good, Merlin?"
"Yes. I think." I blinked, reaching out and feeling a cool breeze merrily twine through my fingers.
"C'mon, babe." Cain gave me a soft smile, guiding me forward with a hand on my back.
We got closer to the gates, standing higher than any of us, when I noticed a very pink man at a podium. "Oh, hello! Welcome to Heaven."
"Hi!" Charlie perked up. "We're here for a meeting."
"So do you guys have names?" the angel asked, eyebrows up, expression friendly. His halo glowed peacefully over his blond hair, and his wings were immaculate.
"Oh, I'm Charlie Morningstar, here for a meeting, like I said."
The angel quickly dragged a finger down a list. "Mar, mer, mor- hm, I don't see you here." He gave an awkward chuckle.
I stepped forward. "How about Merlin Ambrosius?"
He dropped the book. Stared at me. Looked over my head at my halo and horns. Looked at my wings. "Oh SNAP." He shot up.
I blinked. "Uh."
"Ohmygosh, ohmygosh- no, Peter, calm down. No, wait, this-!" He fanned himself rapidly. "You're Merlin? The Merlin? Where've you been for the past two millennium!?" He got very close to my face.
I gently pushed him back. "Peter, Pete, buddy. It's called personal space for a reason."
The keeper of the gate stared at me in awe.
"Oh yeah. You being a seraphim and really fucking famous might be a thing." Vaggie gave me a smirk.
Cain put an arm around my shoulder possessively.
"So I've been doing cleanup in Hell. The Queen gave me an invite I couldn't ignore- the whole tree thing-"
Peter gasped. "So Lady Morgana was right! She said the nymph would never have done that! Oh, of course it was that awful Queen- wait, why would she want that?"
"Lucifer's my dad?" I shrugged. "She wanted to adopt. She also can't communicate for shit and I ended up just fucking around and turning war criminals into ash." I paused. "Wait wha-"
Peter's jaw dropped. "Whaaaaaaa?"
"Yep! Hitler, and uh, um. Who again?" Charlie looked at me.
"It's a list. My last big hunt was finally uprooting Mengele and stopping a new round of illegal experimentation down there." I looked at Charlie, stowing the mention of my old friend the witch-queen for later. "It was bad enough the other sinners didn't hesitate to sell him out. Even ones who didn't like me."
"Whoa. He must've been really, uh…" Charlie trailed off.
"Josef Mengele was known as 'the Angel of Death'. If I gave you a list of what he did, you wouldn't sleep for a week."
"Try months." St. Peter shuddered.
"Eh, she's the Princess of Hell. Week."
Peter looked at her. At me. "Ohhh you're siblings. Oh. Wait, you're on the list but I don't know if…" He tapped his fingers together. "Crud."
"We'll take it from here, Peter."
We looked up.
A pair of seraphim, clad in pale hues of blue, gray, and white, descended. The light was to their backs, so I didn't make out any details until they flickered and landed.
The taller dwarfed Cain, nearly half as high as the gate. Her hair fell in twirling rings, and blue eyes pierced all of us. Her halo was far more ornate than the other's.
The smaller one was shorter than Charlie, around Vaggie's size. She stood behind the larger, eyes bright with joy.
"Child of the Morningstar. I am Sera, the head seraphim. Welcome to Heaven. You are gifted to be here." The taller one bowed her head slightly, but her height still had her look down on us.
The smaller one bounced on her heels. "Ooooh! Hi, I'm Emily! Or Em, or Ly, or whatever you'd like to call me. I'm the other seraphim."
I 'opened' my eyes and looked around. Took a moment to glance at Emily. "You're underselling yourself. Joybringer, counselor, bringer of happiness and soother of hurts." I smiled. "Small wonder you're interested in our Hotel."
Sera stiffened. "Who are you."
Cain gave me a panicked look.
I gestured at my halo and spread my wings. "Good day, madame!"
"Oh boy." Vaggie put a hand on her forehead.
"I'm known far and wide! I am shapeshifter, illusionist, archmage, soothsayer, kingmaker, slayer of tyrants and ender of monsters! I am advisor to Hell's Princess, and her bastard older brother by way of the king! Merlin Ambrosius is my name, and I bid you greetings." I bared my teeth pleasantly.
Sera's stern look dropped to an expression of horror. Then she looked at Cain. Recognition and a new wave of shock became apparent.
"What."
"And this, of course, is my partner of five hundred years! Newly redeemed and our Hotel's proof of concept: Cain Kadmon!" I placed an arm around his back, lifting a wing over me.
Sera's wings and shoulders slumped, and her jaw dropped.
"Also? We're engaged." I gave her a sunny grin. I paused, noticing silence from over by Charlie. I looked over.
Emily's hand hovered over her mouth, eyes wide. "...Emrys?"
I. What. What.
I blinked at her. "Where… did you hear that name?"
Emily covered her mouth. "Eep!"
Vaggie cleared her throat. Loudly. "Can we go in now?" she asked.
Charlie smiled. "Can we?"
"Yes." Sera's voice was hollow, eyes fixed on Cain and myself. "Merlin… two thousand years. Where have you been?"
I pointed down.
She ran a hand over her face, closing her eyes. They snapped open, and she took a deep breath. "Of course. Of course you were." She turned away, and with a wave she opened the gate. "We'll be taking them in, Peter."
"Er-"
"We'll forgo the usual welcome, this time."
Peter bobbed his head at us. "Well, welcome to Heaven! Please enjoy your stay." He smiled nervously.
Charlie strode past us, grinning brightly as Emily kept talking to her, glancing back at me every now and again.
"...you are way more famous than I thought," Vaggie mused. She gave me a hard look. "Keep your guard up and eyes open."
I exhaled. "Yeah."
Cain gently ushered both of us onward.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Soooo, how do you know my brother?" Charlie asked once they were a distance ahead of the other three.
Emily brightened. "Well, my husband's an old friend of his!"
Whoa. "Oh, a knight?"
"Technically?" Emily shrugged, showing a ring on one of her fingers. It was a cute silver dragon's head.
"Oooo shiny! Very nice."
Emily giggled. "Thanks! I'm so glad to have someone new to show around. And you seem so nice!"
Sera looked down at them. "Sadly, the amount of time you can remain here is limited."
"Which sucks, because if it wasn't for her heritage, Charlie would fit in rather well here. Comparatively speaking, she embodies all seven cardinal virtues." Merlin breezed on by. "Not like your head of the Exorcists."
Sera stiffened, and Charlie wanted to strangle Merlin. "Oh?" the head angel asked mildly.
"Oh yes! When Charlie pitched the suggestion for the Hotel to him, his response was to cut her off and sing a two-three minute rock anthem about the joys of committing genocide on lesser humans. Hardly holy behavior."
"Um, what?" Emily's eyes went wide.
Sera's jaw dropped. She stared at Merlin. Blinked.
"Quite uncouth. Of course, given all my attempts in the past ended up butchered by him and his squadron of mad maenads, it wasn't until Charlie created the Hotel that true progress to redemption could be made." Merlin made a sad frown, eyes sparkling with malice.
"Sera, what's he talking about?" Emily asked, paling.
"Uh. Exterminations?" Cain ignored Vaggie's frantic waving and motioning across her throat. "Like, eight thousand years, culling sinners with holy weaponry, twenty four hours a year? My dad and all his back-up babes painting Pride red?"
Emily turned from him to Sera, eyes pleading. "Sera, is this true?"
"The situation is a bit more complex-" Sera began.
"Then explain it. We're all ears."
The voice sent nails scraping down Charlie's spine. A woman's alto, cold and taut. She looked for the source.
She was dressed like an old-time reporter, a dark blouse matched with a white skirt. She was a little taller than Charlie, with short nails painted navy and a pair of sensible black heels. Her ears were hidden behind a curtain of white-gold curls. Her makeup was dark, with navy lips and azure mascara. Her cheeks bore two red circles on her pale skin, and blue eyes raked over them all with startling intensity. The silvery halo over her head was studded with small wings alternating the top and bottom. From her back sprouted six wings with black feathers.
Sera stared, looking for all the world like the end of everything had come. "Gabrielle."
The angel rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. So. Extermination. Who okayed that? Because that's military action. Michael's domain. And even the Council couldn't make him pull that in their heyday, let alone now."
"That's your concern?" Charlie burst out. "People are dying by the thousands, and-"
"Yes. Because I can't do anything for the dead, but I can do something for the living by milking the fuck out of bureaucracy. Now shut your mouth and look pretty." Gabrielle looked to Sera. "Well?"
"...the Council approved the deployment of Exorcists with my permission." Sera looked down at Gabrielle.
"Cute use of exact words. Whose idea was it? Let me guess, Adam wanted to do it to get back at his awful ex."
Gabrielle's eyes shot to Merlin. "Plausible. You're Merlin, then."
Her brother grinned, canines lengthening. "Guilty as hell, Auntie."
"Ohhh, you're here to stir the shit. See what bobs up, and leave it as you like when you go back down to keep getting Hell how it's supposed to work." Gabrielle's dour expression cracked with a sour smirk. "You're not running from a problem."
That… carried a lot of weight. Charlie wasn't sure she wanted to dig into it.
"Gabrielle-" Sera began, hands raised.
"Can it, Seraph." Gabrielle's expression returned to its icy demeanor. "Jophiel's gone to get Princess Sunshine's misfit squad for Michael to interrogate. If they return half as much information as these kids have-" She looked at them, eyes resting on Cain for a moment. "Well. That'll be damning enough for us to discuss restructuring."
"Interrogate?" Charlie stepped forward. "If he hurts them," she began, horns beginning to poke out.
Gabrielle scoffed. "Of course you'd think that. Your daddy might be Pride incarnate, but he's all about shame. He'd never tell you about us. Wouldn't want to tarnish your view of him with the people he left behind." Her brow furrowed. "I'll take it from here. They're staying for a week minimum."
"Um-!"
She looked at Emily. "Breathe, shortstack. I've got an idea of what you want, and you get free visitation." She glared at Sera. "You're on thin ice. If the evidence wasn't just circumstantial right now, I'd whistle up the Empyreans to punt you into a holding cell."
Sera didn't flinch. Merely bowed her head. "I understand."
Gabrielle kept her eyes on her a moment more. "Noted. Will you cooperate?"
"With the revelation that redemption is possible by some means, the Council's verdict would need to be revisited regardless." Sera raised her head. "I will fulfill my role as Head Seraphim and conduct myself properly."
Gabrielle nodded, then sharply turned her head. "Huh. Speak of the loser and he'll stink up the promenade."
Charlie turned.
Adam stared at them all, mouth open. Lute glared at Cain as though she could turn him into cinders.
Merlin stepped in front of Cain. "Aunt Gabrielle. Vaggie told me once that you punted that particular eyesore through a cloudbank."
Oh no. "Merlin, wait."
Gabrielle raised a hand, cutting her off. "I slapped the bulldog down, yeah. What of it?"
Vaggie looked at Charlie, then Merlin. "Merlin. Don't." A pleading note entered her voice.
Gabrielle looked at Vaggie. Blinked. Looked at Lute. Looked at Vaggie again. "Ah."
Charlie grabbed Vaggie's hand. "She's been helping me with the Hazbin Hotel since before it was named. She's with me." She pulled Vaggie close protectively.
For the first time since Gabrielle swooped down, her expression softened. "So she's a native of Hell, then."
Charlie saw the lifeline and grabbed it. "Yes. My girlfriend."
Gabrielle gave a small smirk. "Out of our jurisdiction, then. Even if the Exorcists get the boot, she's one of yours for good. Tough luck, soldier."
"I'll live," Vaggie drawled, hugging Charlie back.
"...Cain?" The voice was faint, as far as it was.
Charlie looked at Adam.
He stared at his firstborn, eyes wide. His body was slumped, wings dragging the ground.
Cain raised a wing in greeting. "Heya, Pops."
Lute stepped forward. "Sir-" she began, teeth grit.
Gabrielle tilted her head just in Charlie's view.
"I'll remand them to their quarters, Gabrielle." Sera cut in.
"Sera, wait- Cain-" Adam lurched forward, a desperation Charlie couldn't recall being there in his voice.
A terrible hope crossed Cain's face.
"Sir, it's a trick, he can't be here! Let alone like that. Your son's da-"
And Charlie wasn't fast enough.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I smiled brightly while I hip-checked Lute out of the way. "Hello! Adam, yes?"
"Bwuh?" The horn-masked man blinked at me murkily. He'd dropped his drink on the ground long before my arrival.
"Filth, don't you-"
I pointed at her, and lightning crackled down my arm with a menacing rumble. "Down, girl."
She went silent.
"Right! I'm so glad to meet my future father-in-law!" I smiled brightly.
"Your. What?" Adam blinked, coming to.
"Cain? Your son?" I held up my hand, showing off my little dandelion.
He blinked at my hand. "Is that a fuckin' dandelion ring?"
"Yes! He proposed just the other day."
Adam looked at me warily. "And who're you?"
I considered my usual spiel for a moment.
"A two-bit trickster, of no real power." Lute bristled again, moving next to Adam.
"Hey-" Gabrielle tried to cut in.
"Oh? So I'm a bad guy?" I blinked innocently.
"You're a monster from the pit. What else could you be?" Lute snarled.
I hummed, tapping my lips.
Adam was uncharacteristically quiet, watching me.
I winked, setting a spiraling piano tune around me. "Well, if introductions are in order…"
"Oh boy." Cain's weary amusement gave me the last bit of encouragement I needed. Time to play up my 'accomplishments'.
"In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning. I had a nightmare as bad as can be."
"Uh, what?" Adam blinked as I wandered away.
"It scared me out of my wits- a man made of animal bits! Then I awoke and the nightmare was meeee!"
The greenery on the promenade began to flower and bloom, and the sound of animals filled the distance.
"Lady Sera! There's been a break from Lady Orielle's Conservatorium!"
"What!?"
"I was the most mystical mage in Londinium! When tyrants cross me they make a mistake!"
Adam started bobbing his head as a quartet of wolves started howling in the back ground.
"My curses make all of them pay! Not a single BITCH gets away! Ask Hitler- you can't- 'cause Merlin's AWAAAAAKE!"
His jaw dropped.
"In the dark of the night, judgment will find them!" "Find them!" "In the dark of the night just before dawwwn!"
"SINGING ANIMALS!?" Charlie yelled.
And yes, the wolves, foxes, lynxes- all manner of dogs and cats filled the promenade, making the Winners stare in awe as they backed me.
"And justice is sweet, when my curses complete! In the dark of the night-"
"In the dark of the night-"
"They're gone!"
I flew up, and with a single gesture I drew an illusion of night over the nightless city. Stars glowed and the moon hung low.
"My powers are great and they're only growing. So I tighten my sash and a dash of cologne for the smell~!" I swooped down behind Adam, sending Lute sprawling. "My pieces fall into place- and I see them CRAWL into place!"
"HELL YEAH!" Adam pumped his fist.
"Do Svidanya, Stalin, your grace- farewell!"
"In the dark of the night terror will strike them!" "Terror's the least I can do!" "In the dark of the night, resentment will brew!"
"As their hopes I all steal, their nightmares are real!"
Adam whipped out his guitar and started rocking with the music.
The animals bounced along to the song, leaving gobsmacked Seraphim to stand with Charlie, Vaggie, and Cain.
"In the dark of the night-" "In the dark of the night, they're through!"
"In the dark of the night-" "In the dark of the night malice will find them!" "Find them!" "In the dark of the night, terrors come truuuue!"
"Alas, it's a sign, it's the end of the liiiine!" I opened my arms and spun around the square.
Lute kept looking between Adam and I, utterly unconvinced.
Adam's grin was all I needed to see.
"In the dark of the night! In the dark of the night! In the dark of the night!"
I flung my arms skyward. "Come my minions, rise for your master, let your radiance shine!"
From my feet surged a torrent of jewel-colored butterflies, scattering to the new wild growth.
"Find them now, yes fly even faster-"
"In the dark of the night, In the dark of the night, In the dark of the night-"
"They're ALL MINE!"
Adam slammed a finale on his guitar, and daylight returned.
"BRO! That was the most rockin' gardening I've seen in YEARS!" Adam sauntered over and held up his fist. "Pound it!"
I rapped my knuckles on his.
Adam looked at Cain. At me. "So like, level with me."
"Yes, he's an angel now. We have some idea of how. Redeeming everyone isn't possible, but it's more likely than not."
Adam nodded along.
"Sir-"
"Shush Dangertits, we're talkin'. Alright. So what's that mean for Exterminations?"
I looked at him.
On the surface was what I expected – bravado, hunger, wrath, pigheadedness. Under was a muddle of feelings. Love for his children. A bone-deep loneliness. Outrage at sinners in general. But deeper…
A black core of self-loathing, smothered by vice. If I just laid on that it was all for nothing, he'd reject me or crack.
"Well, they need to stop for more than moral reasons."
Adam frowned. "Like?"
Lute scoffed.
"Roots with eyes."
Adam stared at me for a moment, not comprehending. Then he drew back. "No."
"I saw what I saw." I crossed my arms. "And I tapped some worthwhile sources to track them. The way you handled things fed them. They go from Pride all the way to Sloth. Top to bottom. It's anyone's guess how many more purges until they wake up."
Adam slumped, eyes wide.
"Sir, he's talking out both sides of his mouth. We aren't culpable in whatever he's come up with-"
I gagged as someone hauled on the back of my collar.
"Anyways!" Charlie said cheerfully. "We'll leave them to you while we go meet our family! It was nice meeting you Sera, Emily!"
"Hey, wait-!" Adam made his way toward me.
Sera appeared in front of them. "If you think you are willing to cooperate with them, Adam, then you can meet them later. For now, you and the Exorcists are going to guide the animals back to the Zoo."
Adam slumped, even as a bunch of wolves started licking his hands.
Cain looked at me as I turned around. "...so?" he asked hopefully.
I looked at Gabrielle. "He's not a lost cause. Not a good person by any stretch, but… salvageable."
"And his bulldog?" she asked boredly.
I scoffed. "You think I cared enough to look?"
"Merlin!" Charlie gasped. She paused. "I mean. Fair."
Gabrielle's eyebrow quirked.
"None of us like Lute." That was all Vaggie had to say.
"For concrete reasons," I added. Because I'm a petty bitch.
He shut his 'eyes'. With a scowl, the eldest angel turned on his heel.
His footsteps echoed through the empty chamber. A tall room, reaching toward the apex of Heaven, the outermost spheres of creation. Seats ringing the arena where he and his had once sentenced rebels and criminals alike. Where by committee they had designed the experiment.
"Lord Tiriel?"
He opened the eyes along the length of his body, not deigning to observe with the ones on his head. The 'Exorcist' hovered nearby, anxious.
Chattel. Chaff. Useful only in erasing the mistakes. Had Lucifer only listened, they would have had perfectly obedient servants, just below themselves in intellect and capability. Instead they had to waste resources creating these, amongst the lowliest of the Heavenborn in pure power. Beneath even Principalities.
"Knowledge of the Exterminations is yet uncommon. Only the youngest seraph is now aware."
"But- the Archangels-"
"Are irrelevant. They will want a full meeting of the council before making the purges part of the public forum." Tiriel closed his eyes once more.
Clad in a sweeping robe of black, studded with 'stars'. With his eyes. His seven wings bore him aloft, carrying his head like a blooming sea-creature, where the suckers were replaced with ocularity. He could appropriate a more primate-adjacent form, but he only did so when absolutely required.
"And… the newcomers?"
"Hmph. Cain's ascension is surprising, I'll grant that. I'd taken measures to ensure that he never would."
"...so it was possible?" The Exorcist stared at Tiriel.
"Creation is Possibility. Of course it was always possible."
"But you said-!"
"I never said they could not. I said they should not. Why would we waste effort in repairing something that had already tainted our Experiment?" Tiriel paused. "Directive: this shall not be communicated to Serathiel nor the Prototype. Save and Compile."
The Exorcist stilled, then nodded.
They had personalities, of course, but those could be superseded as required. The reject had fallen to Hell, of course, but lacked sufficient information to be a true threat. Tiriel doubted he could rewire her as she was now. Her power had grown beyond her initial programming.
...he considered that allowing personality may have been a design flaw. A battle-harem to keep the Prototype distracted and performing the Work was required. It was nothing new. Apparently men on Earth already began to tire of women, designing toys in their image with greater compliance to their lusts.
A strange situation, but not unforeseen. The stark individualism and grinding collectivism managed to mesh together to create an utterly fascinating purgatory. Minorities, splinter-sects were ground beneath the cogs of society regardless of how harmful or harmless they may be. Likewise, the selfishness of the individual and inability to truly cooperate often bled into efforts to effect real change.
The Eldest had to applaud Gabrielle for her continued attempts to hold the Experiment together. Despite her curmudgeonly affect, she held on viciously, trying to spread her siblings' work where she could. Health, beauty, love, knowledge- Well. It was a moot point.
Greed, Wrath, Lust, Sloth, Pride, Envy. But the greatest sin, that which had truly corrupted the Experiment at this stage? Gluttony.
No, not what the masses thought of as Gluttony, mere overindulgence. No no, true Gluttony – the sin of hoarding and waste, that very indulgence paired with squandering any remains rather than remanding it to those in need. Gluttony of food, of power, of shelter.
Tiriel found the concept of 'AirBnB' fascinating, if only for how utterly sinful it was.
Ahem.
He stared around the empty Council Chamber once more. "Nothing is broken, and so no point is fixed. We shall continue to observe. The Archangels will wish to do this traditionally. To each of them, a day, until the new date for the Princess' hearing is set."
The Princess was not a threat. Not in power nor influence. Nor, truly, were the Reject or the Murderer.
No, the threat was Merlin. Unlike the Princess, he was unsullied by the human race and was fully an angel. He bore the full might of the Experiment Unsullied, had all the malice of the Wretch, and all the canny viciousness of the Messenger. In life he had observed the boy and decided he was too great a threat.
Deals were made. Blessings given. Necessity accomplished.
Here and now? He had permitted the sheltered Princess to survive, if only because it was another tether keeping the Eccentric from his full potential. Merlin may downplay it, but he was what made Arthur the king he was. If he were allowed to truly nurture her into something, to reach out and change the Experiment-
Tiriel shuddered in anger. "Set the Prototype on Merlin. Have him dog his steps."
"Sir, Adam seems to… to like the wizard. Sir."
Tiriel's myriad eyes narrowed as one. "He will keep him occupied then, and out of my way. Animosity or misplaced friendship, either result benefits."
A little longer. A little longer. Time was on his side.
Tirel, God's Tyranny, was the Eldest Angel for a reason.
Before long, all the world would be reminded why.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"So. God."
Gabrielle paused at the door to a massive manor. "What about it?"
Charlie looked at Merlin with wide eyes. "It?"
"God is where we came from as angels. We made Earth as an experiment – the process of Genesis describes how we made Eden, and during that time we used it as our test ground. Adam and Eve were introduced into the primate ecology after they were exiled, and History went on." Gabrielle turned to them. "God is… energy. Creation in its purest form. A womb which we all came from at one point. We can't really comprehend it, and it did set the conditions for rising and falling. Unfortunately, we've only been able to slightly influence the cycle of souls because the Council held onto the criteria with a vicegrip." She gave a dour smirk. "Even Serathiel doesn't know how it really works. Just that they die, the name goes in the book, and they pop up."
"So… has redemption always been possible?" Charlie asked.
Gabrielle narrowed her eyes. "Honestly? Most likely. I remember everything. That's my job. To remember, and to bring what we cook up here down there." Gabrielle jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "I'm the messenger, the bringer of tidings. Creation's news anchor, as it were. Also its historian."
"So you remember when someone said what you thought meant it wasn't," Merlin pointed out.
"Right. It was never said that souls couldn't rise – but that they shouldn't." Gabrielle's eyes moved to Cain. "That fuck Tiriel always does more harm than good."
Cain flinched, paling. Vaggie put a hand on his arm with a frown. "Big guy?"
"He, uh. He was the one that cursed me. And sent me into the desert." Cain looked away.
Gabrielle's lip curled. "He was. And the Council overrode my request to accompany you."
Charlie's head whipped towards Gabrielle, eyes wide.
Gabrielle stared her down. "What."
"You, uh. Don't…" Charlie winced.
"Seem the type. Well, it was back when Pangaea was a thing. I've had to contend with watching human fuckshittery since then." Gabrielle's expression slid to neutrality once more.
"Honestly, the categorization of human sin seems to be a Council failing. They pretty much set goalposts for 'don't', making the forbidden without explaining the benefits. And then when humans naturally tested those limits, they found how it made their personal lives easier while damaging society. Therefore, individualism and collectivism in their worst forms." Merlin's eyes flashed gold. "And let's not forget Tiriel calling Cain's lapse in control 'murder', therefore creating a lethal sin out of an emotional outburst and immediate regret."
"Not to mention he is also the one that worse than sandblasted Lilith's ovaries, leading to all sorts of fun there." Merlin placed a hand on his hip.
"Tiriel thinks he can force things into a certain shape by destroying what he doesn't like or exerting a grip of iron. Tiriel thinks he's Machiavelli." Gabrielle turned to the door.
"Tiriel can eat shit," Charlie muttered.
Gabrielle glanced back with a quick grin. She opened the door.
"Heya Gab! Converting more youngsters to the Church of Fuck Tiriel?"
The angel was dressed in black. Black denim jeans, a black tank top. Black swirls of ink covered pale arms. Black combat boots on his feet. Six black wings spread from his back. Black painted nails on a friendly waving hand.
His face was a work of art. His ears were pierced with studs and rings along the edge, his left ear with a skull dangling by a thread. A labret was under his lip, and a silver stud in his nose. Barbels marked his pale brows. His eyes were inverted – white pupil, pale blue iris, black sclera. His white-gold hair was carved into a pixie cut, and round red circles marked his cheeks.
"Azrael. On break?" Gabrielle breezed past him, wings folding in like Charlie's father's would.
"Sure, sure. We all are! I was surprised you volunteered to get the kids. You don't socialize like Jojo or Raph." Azrael looked at them with a warm expression. "Oh wow. You've got both your parents, kid." He smiled, then looked at Merlin. "And you look like your dad got leg extensions!"
Merlin quirked an eyebrow. "...thanks?"
"Anywho, introductions! I'm Azrael, Archangel of Peace. I'm a little overworked, but my job is finding souls teetering on the edge between here and there, and bringing them here." He grimaced. "Success varies."
"Weren't you the Angel of Death?" Cain asked, brow furrowed.
Azrael rolled his eyes. "I used to, 'til Nazi-boy ruined that title for me. Now I go with 'Peace' so I don't scare off anyone who got caught in that absolute hellstorm."
"What did you do to him again?" Charlie asked, directing attention at Merlin.
Merlin smiled, making his teeth sharpen. "I fed him to Kitty."
Cain gave a full-body shiver. "Not Kitty!" ...he...wasn't joking.
Azrael raised an eyebrow. "Right. Given I've seen Gabrielle make that face when someone the Council thought would be a shoo-in for up here got the boot downstairs, I'm gonna assume it's appropriately bad and leave the questioning there." He smiled again, enveloping Charlie in a warm hug. "It's great to meet you. I mean, we just found out, but still." He stepped back, letting go.
"Oh. Um, thanks?" Charlie smiled back.
Vaggie looked around in awe.
"Oooh, an Exorcist. One with individuality. Well, besides Lute. But she kind of just turned herself into a Karen, sooooo." Azrael peered at Vaggie.
"This is Vaggie, my girlfriend!" Charlie put an arm around her, feeling Vaggie relax. "She's been living with me for the past three years."
Azrael's face turned pitying. "Adam named you."
"Yyyyup." Vaggie's expression flattened.
"She made it her own, at least – hard 'g' and all." Merlin made to walk past, only to get clotheslined across the chest.
"Nice. Also, hug tax!" Azrael pulled him in, making Merlin stare in shock. "Charlie we didn't know about, but we've been waiting on you forever!"
Merlin gave Charlie a panicked look. "Huh?"
"Kid, you were in the book! A new seraphim, heck, one on par with us! Whether or not you could fill Hel's boots was one thing, but we knew you'd be family in one way or another." Azrael gave a fond squeeze before letting him go.
Cain scooped Merlin up onto his shoulder. "So, we gonna meet the rest? It's uh, been a while for me." He smiled nervously.
"Sure, sure! Jo should be back by now and Raph and Ori were here before." Azrael jerked his head, and Charlie followed him in the direction Gabrielle had wandered off.
She looked around at the pictures on the walls- mostly of people who looked vaguely like her father, but different. Some looked like him.
"We don't have as many pics of your old man as we'd like, but hopefully he won't cut us off again." Azrael kept walking.
"So… no hard feelings?" Charlie asked hopefully.
"In a sense. We were mad then, and it's like- we're in a position where forgiveness isn't exactly on the table, but holding grudges isn't either. Your dad's been punished more than enough," Azrael concluded in a soft voice. "What he did was shitty, what he endured was shitty- all we can really do is move on. If we tried to re-litigate Eden, all we would do is hurt each other. Burying the hatchet is our best bet."
"You just want your baby brother back, whoever he may be by now," Merlin observed.
"Right in one, bud." Azrael opened a door at the end of the hall. "This is the family room."
It was visually loud inside. A mishmash of décor – pastels met blacks and grays, skulls next to butterflies next to tropical plants, fine china cabinets next to mounted visages from a masquerade.
Gabrielle sat in a chair on the outermost part of a half-circle, topped with a black bird-
"Crow," Merlin murmured.
And Azrael moved to the one next to her. A similar, yet different bird perched-
"Raven."
Next to Azrael sat a massive woman in eye-searing pink, beaming at all of them. "Look at you! Oh, aren't you a bunch of cute kids!" She grinned at Charlie. "Love the suit, sweetie. Very debonair. I'm your Auntie Jojo!"
The tall bird was built into her chair, likely because her insanely tall hair would cover even it. "Secretary Bird."
To the other side, a woman in blue denim and brown boots lounged. She wore a lab coat over a sky-blue blouse, and a tan ten-gallon on her head. A gray parrot perched on the back of her chair. "Well I'll be," she drawled. Her gray eyes pierced all, buzz cut close to her skull. Her six gray wings cushioned her, even as her makeup-less face bore the red marks Charlie was coming to associate with her father's side of the family. "If it in't the lil' miracles themselves. Chuffed to meet ya." She lurched to her feet, and strode forward. With a firm grip, she shook Charlie's hand. "Orielle's the name, darlin'."
"Um, Charlie?" she squeaked.
Orielle repeated with Merlin. "And you, handsome?"
"Merlin Ambrosius, soo-"
"Holder of too many damn titles, right." She let Merlin go with an amused smile.
Merlin huffed, clearly off guard.
"Ah! Hello!"
From a chair topped by- a robin? Zipped another angel, slightly shorter than her father. He wore a doctor's coat over a red vest and bowtie, paired with dark khakis and loafers. He wore a pair of smart spectacles that clashed slightly with his fluffy undercut and single stud in his left ear. "Raphael, wonderful to meet you!" His eyes skimmed over them all. "Oh, look at you! Two happy couples, no less." He gasped. "Jo, Jo! Look!" And he held up Merlin's hand with his dandelion ring.
Jo's eyes widened, and she gasped loudly. "No! Cain? Really?" She bridged her fingers, wiggling in excitement. "Oh hun, congrats!"
Cain chuckled sheepishly. "Thanks, Miss Jophiel."
The chair next to the center on Orielle and Raphael's side was topped with a swan, with small ducks capping the arm-rests. There sat Charlie's father, grinning nervously.
"DAD!?" Charlie yelped.
"Uh. Is he. Allowed?" Vaggie asked hesitantly, staying well within arm's reach.
"He is here as part of our investigation." And Charlie turned her gaze to the last person in the room.
The last angel was the largest, seated in a chair that dominated the back of the room in the center. Topped with an eagle of some sort, it was made of fine leather. The angel himself was clad in the garb of a military general, but despite his imposing figure and blindfold, Charlie felt the warmth of his gaze. Before him, she felt like she had when she was small in her father's workshop. Safe. Protected.
"Greetings, niece and nephew. We, the Archangels, warmly greet you here in our home. It is our hope that this meeting will bring us closer as family, and allow us to assist you with your work."
Charlie's heart was full. Warm. With barely a request, she had the same support she'd had to fight, to claw for in Hell. People who believed in her vision, ready to help, ready to-
"Sooo. About that annual genocide. Is there a way to politic that away by us blowing the lid off it, or do I have to lightning-web them all into ash in like a month? I mean I can do the latter option on the fly, but I think a smear campaign on your old Council might work wonders."
The room went dead silent.
Charlie slowly looked at her brother, (loving!) murder in her eyes.
Gabrielle pointed at Merlin. "We're keeping that one."
A door to the side of the room opened. "Can we come in now?"
Charlie looked.
Angel waved with two of his hands. The others formed a totem pole under him, save Alastor who simply appeared next to them all with a smug smirk. "I personally vote for the thunder-web myself!"
Naturally, all Hell broke loose.
_________________________________________________________________________________
The sun shone over the beach. The soft susurrus of the waves was the only sound as its lone occupant reclined on her long chair. Her golden tresses fluttered in a mild wind.
She didn't look up at the sound of light crunching of approaching steps in the sand.
"...we gotta talk."
For a moment, Lilith did not move. Then she looked up at Adam, lowering her sunglasses. "Do we?"
This wasn't the first time he had come. Their bargain was simple. He knew a secret, and with her out of the way and leaving her kingdom defenseless, he would keep it. Here in Heaven was a kinder place than she expected, but Adam was just as myopic as her in his way.
Adam took a deep breath, and pulled his helm from his head.
Lilith stared.
His complexion was pale, ashen in comparison to the beautiful olive it once was. His hair had greyed, and golden eyes stared out of sunken sockets lined with bags. There was still an attractiveness to him, but it was in spite of his visibly poor health.
"Remember when I said your kid was trying to redeem people?"
"I do." Lilith felt a jolt of pride once more. It was not how she would have chosen to help the people of Hell, but Charlie was a woman of her own mind. She and her daughter were different people – and with what she knew of the common human, likely a more adept ruler than she or her husband, once she came into full flower.
"She succeeded."
Lilith sat up. "You said it couldn't be done."
"I thought that was the case. Hell, it's what I was told, why I pushed for the fucking Extermination in the first place. I. I was wrong." Adam's hands balled into fists.
Lilith felt no need to belabor the point, as it was obvious he waited for her to do so. "So where does that leave you?"
"Fuck all if I know." Adam looked up, meeting her eyes. "It's Cain. My boy."
Lilith's lips parted. "Oh." And for Adam to know, Cain would have to be here. In Heaven.
With Tiriel.
"And he's engaged to yours. They look… happy."
…what?
"No. He cannot be here." Lilith stood.
"Look. You fucked up with him, you set things on course for him and your daughter to meet, and it looks like shit went real well. Now your kids are here, my one kid who might not hate me is here, and all three are gonna be in the Council's crosshairs." Adam's jaw firmed. "If we want to see those punks keep breathing, we're gonna need to get real fuckin' creative with the terms of our deal."
"A simple bargain. Your silence of Merlin's existence in Hell in exchange for you trotting me in as a trophy and my good behavior. All other concerns are secondary."
"Your deal with Tiriel you told me about, it's done. You held up your end even if you got smart about it. Now it's just ours." Adam's eyes narrowed. "That smug fucker reminds me of your husband when I thought he was hot shit. I wanna get a chance to know him better, but so far he might be alright for my kid. Your daughter is- fuck, she's basically Emily but red. At first I thought she was naive, but she meant every word she said. And for my kid too."
"I don't doubt Merlin's been working with her to improve her backbone," Lilith mused.
Adam smirked. "Good. She'll damn well need it."
Lilith looked at her former husband once more. "What do you need of me?"
He slumped, relieved. "So far, 'good behavior' meant staying on this beach and out of trouble. I'm gonna be up front: I want all three of those kids alive."
Lilith tilted her head.
"You can do subtle. Good behavior is keeping our brats breathing, even if you gotta solve some problems."
Slowly, the Queen of Hell gave a poisonous smile. "And you?"
Adam smirked. "Well, Tiriel wants me to slow Merlin down by playing sentry. I was planning on getting to know my new son-in-law regardless, and that jackass rolls like a force of nature. Damn, remind me to find a recording of the jam session we did on the promenade. He sure stuck it to your shitty fuck-losers."
"War criminals, tyrants, those who would have threatened Charlie. No great loss." Lilith shrugged idly.
"Huh. We actually agree on something."
"As well as protecting our children."
"That too," Adam mused. He smirked. "Don't worry though, since Eve isn't around your husband's still the better lay of the two of you."
"Play nice and I might lend him to you," Lilith teased.
Adam choked. "Um, what! No I, that was a fucking insult, I don't do that shit anymore-"
"Pity. He's said your name in his sleep more than once."
Adam blinked. "Bwuh?"
Not necessarily accurate. Or truthful. But it could be fun.
Adam's gaze went distant.
Eve was in Hell. Lucifer was in Hell. Lilith would return to Hell. Adam made Eve and Lucifer happy. He would make Cain happy, and possibly be an olive branch to begin mending bridges with Merlin.
The truth might not hurt there either.
"Right, whatever. Deal on?"
Ah, so many schemes, so little time. "Deal on." Lilith offered her hand daintily.
Also the songs will definitely bloat the word count, so the more musical chapters will be longer.