I'm not dead.
February 25th, 2011
Brockton Bay
It had been four days since Father had bailed me out of jail and things were still awkwardly and rather uncomfortably chilly between us. It didn't help that he was still absolutely furious… and maybe part of the problem was that rather than try to explain my side of things, I instead was relying on what had become a cornerstone of my daily routine. I had my hands and bare feet wrapped in athletic tape, and was hammering the hell out of an old forty-pound training bag that I had liberated from an abandoned and dilapidated gym mere days after I had gotten out of the hospital and realized that the tools I had at my disposal for getting myself into proper shape were tragically lacking. It hadn't been in good condition when I found it and hauled it home, but that sort of thing is merely one of the reasons why humans invented duct tape.
The end result was a horrific eyesore, of course. However I swallowed my revulsion because until I managed to increase the resources at my disposal, I would have to make due with whatever I had available. Sometimes, striving for perfection demanded accepting indignities and mediocrity.
The new memories that cluttered the back of my mind made that easy to understand, despite how much they initially and still do confuse me.
On one hand, it was easy to want to believe that getting powers had done something to me that I had no context to understand. It wasn't as if I could just walk up to a Cape and ask them if they also got an entire lifespan's worth of memories that didn't seem to have anything to do with whatever powers that they have.
On the other hand, it was just as easy to want to believe that yet again, some ancient and unfathomably powerful spirit had chosen to - for reasons that I couldn't even begin to understand - meddle with my life. After all, meddling in the affairs of humans is simply what spirits did, especially the old and powerful ones. I had an entire set of memories - a complete second lifetime in fact - that proved that.
Was I even Taylor Hebert still? Did the new memories come from some ancient past on Earth-Bet, if not some other Earth? Or did I somehow awaken memories that had always been lurking inside of me at the same time I suddenly found myself with the power to control bugs? The former implied something meddling with my head. The latter suggested that reincarnation was not solely the purview of one of the most powerful beings to ever live on any world.
Neither possibility was especially comforting, partly because neither actually precluded the other.
I very deliberately did not let myself frown, but instead forced my body to move, etching the techniques from my memories into my muscles with rote repetition. I knew the myriad stances, strikes and techniques, but I
I did not know them. Or rather, my body, Taylor Hebert's body, didn't know.
The me that was Taylor Hebert had been pitifully out of shape and scrawny and weak. However, the one advantage that that me had undeniably had over the other me (if she in fact actually had also been me) was that despite the best efforts of Emma Barnes, Sophia Hess and Madison Clements, she was still very much sane or close enough that it still counted.
I couldn't say the same about the other me, as much as I wished otherwise.
I had no problems letting her memories train my (our?) body to her brutally unrelenting standards. She had been a monster - my other memories made that abundantly clear - but when it came to fighting she'd been an unrivaled prodigy, even after she had slipped into a deranged madness that quietly terrified me whenever I delved too deeply into her memories. How she had even functioned as a person afterwards, much less clawed her way back to something resembling sanity… I couldn't fathom it.
I didn't want to.
So instead I drilled the many forms of hand-to-hand that the other me had mastered and in a handful of cases outright invented into my muscle memory, and desperately hoped that the madness that had plagued the other me remained firmly in my memories (and occasionally my nightmares). After over a month of intensive exercise, my paunch was all but gone and I was finally putting a semi-acceptable amount of muscle onto my limbs and core, but I wouldn't - couldn't - be satisfied until I'd managed to put on at least thirty pounds of solid muscle. Maybe more if I ended up growing as tall as I thought I might.
The cold didn't bother me. I didn't permit it to, despite only being clad in sweat pants and a ripped old t-shirt as I danced across the cold and brittle grass in the backyard and forced my aching body to finish the set of one hundred high kicks that I'd been working through to improve my flexibility, stamina and strength, as well as toughen up my feet. At the same time it was good practice for my breath control, which was even more important for my powers than it was for the fighting styles that I was training myself in.
That was another thing that confused me; my powers. As in powers, plural, that didn't seem to have anything to do with each other.
I could control insects. Even in winter, the number of bugs that I felt around me was alarming; as it turned out, there were ants that were plenty active during the winter. Also flies, cockroaches, beetles, and more. So many bugs, and I could feel them all as surely as I could feel my fingers and toes.
But then there was the Fire burning in my chest and in my gut. The me that was Taylor Hebert would call it pyrokinesis like something from that really old movie from the 80s, I think it was called Firemaster or Firestarter or something. The other me called it Firebending.
My power to control bugs was something that I did and did not understand; it was weirdly intuitive, like flexing a finger or blinking. The Fire, however?
I was hyper aware of the way my chi flowed through my body, emanating from the roiling furnace in my stomach. The memories of that other me and the literal lifetime of training she had done to master her Fire to an unrivaled degree made keeping my body temperature comfortable despite the winter chill as simple as breathing. Simpler, even. I wasn't as capable physically as the other me had been, which was… irksome… but using the memories of the other me as a guide, I knew how to use my Fire very, very well. The only problem was that my body wasn't nearly strong enough for some of the things that the other me had done so easily.
Not yet.
But it helped that it felt as if I was always filled to near-bursting with chi every waking moment.
Father was furious that I'd been attacked outright at school despite assurances that something like the Locker would never happen again, furious that I'd been arrested by the police just because in defending myself I just so happened to have injured most of the boys that Sophia had set on me and a few of their friends, and furious that some of the parents of said boys were attempting to press charges just because I hospitalized their precious widdle boys. That I had also been suspended from school for two weeks as well…
Hmph.
If any of them asked me, I'd have cheerfully told them that they should be grateful that in my unparalleled generosity, I had only broken four of those seven boys badly enough to need to be taken to Brockton Bay General Hospital. Of those four, only two needed an overnight stay - one for a shattered knee and the other due to a significant neck injury, both of which necessitated surgery. But no, apparently 'enthusiastic self-defense' is apparently perfectly justified grounds for arresting - and suspending - a teenage girl in Brockton Bay.
I let a little too much of my irritation bleed into my training; my next kick was appallingly sloppy by my other self's standards and as such was absolutely unacceptable. If I was going to make use of these new memories - and I certainly intended to - then I would have to be no less than perfect. That I was very, very new to my self-inflicted training regimen was no excuse. So what if I'd only been training myself for a month?
The skills that my other memories were carving into my muscle and bones demanded nothing less than constant and absolute perfection.
I was just deciding on how to punish myself for the lapse when Father strode out of the back door. For a brief moment I was taken aback; the thunderous expression on his face, the flared nostrils, the look in his eyes… But no, Father wasn't… Dad wasn't Father. He was just Danny Hebert, no matter that he had the same look in his eyes that spoke of a temper being very carefully leashed, nevermind that they were green instead of gold.
He was just Dad.
More importantly, Dad showed that he genuinely cared far more than Father had ever had.
"Taylor, we need to talk." None of the usual pathetic exchanges that had been the staple of our father-daughter communications and interactions since M- … since 2008. The old me would've immediately been on the defensive at his tone and pasture, and admittedly a part of me still wanted to avoid talking seriously to him about anything.
"Hello Father, you're home earlier than expected," I instead nonchalantly commented as I turned back to my heavy bag and began practicing sidekicks. My right leg thudded twice into the bag, first low then at just shy of chest height. "Hope you don't mind me continuing my training while we talk?" I asked as I rechambered and kicked twice again.
"Are you a Cape?" Dad asked me outright.
To my credit I didn't freeze or stumble but it was definitely a near-thing to keep the pace of my kicks going.
"Really, Father?" I asked with a carefully feigned blend of exasperation and embarrassment. "Do I look like I'm about to go put on a Halloween costume and beat people up?" I finished my set of kicks and smoothly switched legs, starting a new set.
"The way that you beat the hell out of those boys has me wondering," he said evenly. "Not to mention how hard you've been training lately or how strong you're suddenly getting."
"I'm training because I'm not about to end up in another l-locker," I all but hissed out, then I bit my lip before too much emotion crept into my tone. My Fire tended to respond a little too readily when my blood ran hot; no pun intended. I stopped my set to reign in both my temper and my breath.
"As for what I did to those boys?" I took a deep, calming breath then turned to meet his steady gaze. "Two of them have reputations, Father. I might be a social pariah at school, but from the rumors I'm pretty sure that at least one of them was the reason that a girl last year committed suicide. He compared her hair to mine… If anything, I should've broken more than his neck."
As he briefly turned grey I made a show of turning my attention back to the heavy bag, and as smoothly and swiftly as I could manage, went from standing nonchalantly to chambering and unleashing as high a side kick as I could currently manage. While I was easily nearly a foot taller than the girl from my other memories, I still wasn't nearly as flexible… not yet anyways.
I still managed to drive the heel of my right foot into my punching bag high enough and hard enough that I would have crushed the throat of anyone roughly my height.
See?
Progress!
"Did one of them try to…" Father trailed off, but I still caught a hint of something dangerous slithering in his tone that I would have compared to her Father (if the man had ever in his life been capable of that much empathy), though when I turned back to him his face was as controlled as my own.
"Touch me? No, but I wasn't about to let them even try," I said perhaps a little more defiantly than I meant to, but her anger at someone daring to even presume to lay hands on her kept bubbling up when I thought about that day. I had to keep reminding myself that I was Taylor Hebert, not her, just to keep my temper in check. It helped that Dad's quiet sigh of relief was far different than how Father would have reacted.
"And just who's been teaching you all of… this, anyways?" He gestured to the gently swaying heavy bag.
"I've partly been figuring things out on my own," I replied, which wasn't exactly a lie, obviously. "I … didn't want to ask you for money to take proper classes." Partly because we weren't Asian but mostly because I very sincerely doubted that anyone in Brockton Bay could hold a candle to my other self, talent-wise. Even without her powers, she had been a rare prodigy when it came to breaking people; not just with her hands and feet but also her silver tongue.
"So far, most of this has just been me trying to get into better shape and also figure out how much talent I might actually have." Technically also not a lie, probably. If you squint. "Plus, I'm pretty sure that I'd surprised those boys; they weren't actually looking for or expecting a fight when they tried it, and by the time they realized it, it was already half over." Not that that would've helped them; even that annoying idiot with the boomerang could've probably crushed them with little effort, and he had been a moronic, oafish peasant with delusions of significan-...
No.
That's what she had thought of him. He might not have had powers, but that boy had been scarily clever. I could admit that, even if she couldn't.
He had still been an oafish peasant, though.
For a moment, Dad was quiet and thoughtful and simply stared, and rather than waste time and a perfectly good layer of sweat, with silence, I turned back to my heavy bag and worked through a relatively simple set of punches and kicks, the sort of stuff that someone with a decent grasp of fighting might do, but nothing that should have given Dad clues that I knew a hell of a lot more about fighting than I should have.
"There's probably plenty of room down in the basement for you to be doing this there instead of the backyard," he finally said after nearly a minute of silence.
"Thought about that," I replied just after finishing a simple combination of punches. "It's a mess down there though, and it'd be cramped."
"Then we'll make a weekend of cleaning it out so you can use it as a workout space," he retorted. "Anything you need room for… Well, I'll ask around. I'm pretty sure that I can find a good and trustworthy gym."
I quietly sighed.
"Father," I began as I turned away from my bag and that was when he threw the punch, crisp and fast and aimed right at my nose.
I didn't think, just reacted and my body moved before I could tell myself not to react; my arm snapped up to deflect his punch away with the edge of my hand but his other fist was already moving. I guided it past me and slid behind him in the same motion, my body instinctively shifting to a stance that I wasn't quite fully comfortable with because it was for a body that had been easily a foot shorter with limbs that weren't as long as mine.
He was taller than me and had more reach, but I was younger and faster and he was already slowing and exposed in so many different places. I was already moving to crush his throat with a burning stiff-fingered strike when I remembered that this was my dad and I was about to kill him.
Somehow, I halted the strike at the very last minute, my stiffened fingers - wreathed in fire as brilliantly blue as a butane torch - stopped scant inches from his throat. Panic clawed at my throat as I struggled not to suddenly hyperventilate as my heart thudded painfully against my ribs.
The flames shrouding my hand winked out as Dad gave me a sad and disappointed but most of all knowing look.
"I… H-how?" I wasn't sure just what I was even asking at that moment.
"You've almost constantly been calling me 'Father' instead of 'Dad' ever since you woke up in the hospital," he quietly said as he stared sadly at me. "Second, you don't talk like you used to, either. You also walk differently, act differently. Third, it's thirty-five degrees out here and despite being drenched in sweat, you haven't shivered even once. Which leads me to four. Never in your entire fifteen years of life on this Earth have I ever seen you willingly wear anything that shows your belly. And five-"
He pointed at me with a long finger as I kept blinking in speechless surprise and fought the sudden urge to try and cover my belly, the old instinct to keep myself as far from vulnerability as possible warring with my other self's deep-seated need to never give so much as an inch and allow others to see me as weak.
Not even Fath-... Dad.
"I'd thought, wanted to think that maybe you were just angry with me or blamed me for you getting bullied for so long and ending up in the hospital. Then for a while I began to think that maybe you weren't my daughter at all, that maybe you were some unknown cape copycat from the E88 or someone else pulling some kind of sick scheme to get leverage on the Association. Wouldn't be the first time capes did that."
"I'm not… I mean, I'm still me, Father. I-I mean, Dad." I winced when he raised an eyebrow at my verbal slip. I had no idea that he'd been watching me so intently… I'd just thought that once things would just go back to the way they'd always been after… after Mom. He shouldn't have noticed anything. He wasn't supposed to, because he'd always been so wrapped up in himself since Mom. Especially not with the knowledge and talents that my other memories had given me. The thought that I'd been making mistakes without realizing it… I had trouble just wrapping my head around it. "And I am definitely not Empire!"
"... That might be the most honest thing that you've said to me since this conversation began," he softly replied.
I winced again. Then I scowled, turned and punched my heavy bag as hard as I could.
You always lie, a familiar voice from my other memories whispered in my thoughts.
"I didn't lie," I all but hissed out, suddenly irrationally angry. "I didn't."
"But you do have powers, don't you," Fath-Dad retorted, again with that odd sadness in his voice.
I bit down hard on my lower lip, then with a breath, forced myself to meet his gaze. "This isn't a conversation that we should be having outside."
Bizarrely, making tea was calming and soothing, which was something that I very much appreciated and needed at that moment. It gave me the time to put my thoughts into order. That I wasn't as fond of most tea as I used to be was a moot point; the other me was very discerning when it came to tea, and it made it much harder to enjoy tea that didn't live up to her standards. This meant that the only way I've been able to even slightly enjoy tea lately was to take apart the prepacked tea bags we had and make my own loose-leaf blends accentuated by whatever caught my interest at the time. At that particular moment, I was experimenting with dried strawberries.
I'm certain that Uncle would have found this hilarious.
Less hilarious was learning that Fath-Dad definitely had put a lot of thought into confronting me about my powers. Learning that he'd had one of his Dockworkers positioned with a rifle in an attic window a few houses down, ready and waiting to put a bullet in me had been both jarring and frightening, yet to the other me was something to be expected. The bizarre dichotomy of my feelings regarding Dad preparing to have me killed if he'd been convinced that I wasn't his daughter (and that came with feelings that I was not ready to unpack yet) was enough to make my head spin.
I had two very separate ideas of Dad in my head, and that the two of them intersected and overlapped so neatly in this one instance was deeply unsettling to both of the young women that made me me. So I tried not to think about how much Danny Hebert was or wasn't like Ozai, which might have been easier were it not for the way he coolly stared at me with a raised eyebrow as I brewed my tea while using the time it was buying me to try to get my thoughts into order and devise a plan to placate him.
It then occurred to me that he was probably staring as much as he was because of the vibrant blue flames wreathing the teapot that was carefully cradled in my bare hands.
I was still trying to figure out where to even begin when he quietly said, "Taylor, if this is you showing off with your powers to try to prove something, I'm going to get very annoyed with you very quickly."
"It's training, Dad," I retorted with a calm that I didn't quite yet feel. "You can't play with fire like a toy; that's stupid and gets people hurt or worse. Fire demands discipline, because Fire is alive. It breathes, it grows. It demands that I pay attention to it, otherwise it acts according to its nature and will attempt to consume and destroy everything that it touches until there's nothing left!"
The kettle resting in my hands began noisily whistling, faster than it should have; blue flames were licking almost angrily up its sides. I took a breath to calm and center myself, then pulled my fire back into my core, banking the writhing blue flames back down into a barely-there corona.
"Something like heating a kettle? This is a very careful and cautious method to practice using precisely how much Fire I need for a given task, no more and no less. Not only am I heating the kettle to get the water at the ideal temperature to brew the leaves, but simultaneously I'm also bending the heat radiating from the kettle away before it can burn my hands."
As I spoke the words, I couldn't help but frown. The girl who's memories that I now possessed hadn't cared much for that particular lesson. She hadn't really understood or internalized the importance of restraint, or how it subtly differed from self control that she normally excelled at. I was lucky that she remembered those lessons all the same.
"Not really liking you practicing that sort of thing in our kitchen, Taylor," Dad coolly said with a certain tightness in his tone and around his eyes.
"Would you prefer that I was sneaking out in the middle of the night wearing a costume and picking fights with psychos like some kind of suicidal idiot?" I retorted.
"I don't know, were you about to?"
I froze and didn't quite wince, but that was more than enough for Dad's eyes to widen in alarm.
"At first, yes," I forced myself to admit just as he began to open his mouth. "Then I realized how stupid that kind of thinking was, and how likely I'd be that I'd probably seriously hurt or even kill someone by accident when I began to really grasp what I can do now."
Dad wasn't quite glaring, if only because he was making a clear effort to keep his temper in check.
"Or," he bit out between clenched teeth, "You could have gotten yourself hurt or killed."
As I finally poured steaming water from our kettle into my mug - having finally judged the temperature to be acceptable - I immediately wanted to refute that.
But that was her arrogance and pride rearing its head; I was self-aware enough to acknowledge that unlike her, I hadn't been trained in Firebending by some of the best living Masters of the art since I was old enough to walk. Oh, I had all of the knowledge and skill and power. But when it came to pure physical conditioning?
The other me would have mopped the floor with me without even breaking a sweat… at nine years old, no less.
Were it somehow possible to face her as she was at my age, crazy or not, it wouldn't have been a fight. She would have destroyed me, plain and simple.
"That is another part of the reason why I didn't do anything," I grudgingly conceded as I allowed her disgust to slide across my face, even as I carefully set the kettle down onto the stove. Then I sat at the kitchen table across from Dad and began steeping my tea leaves. "To put it bluntly I'm in terrible shape, Dad. To really master my Fire to the degree that I know I can, I need a lot more work before I'm even acceptable. And that's not even taking into account that I'm still figuring out how to use my actual powers with my Fire."
Dad started to open his mouth.
Then he closed it and stared at me with a confused expression.
"Nevermind that that sounds like something that the Wards would be really helpful for," he said in a way that I chose to ignore, "you're making sound like the fire stuff isn't your power."
I sighed, then I very calmly pointed at the kitchen ceiling. Part of the reason why I'd distracted Dad with my little trick with the tea kettle was to give him an idea of what I was now capable of. The other reason was to give myself time to adequately demonstrate what else I could do.
When Dad's gaze followed my finger, he very nearly fell out of his chair at the sight of thirty-one thousand, five hundred and eighty-two insects of various species skittering about in perfect synchronization across our kitchen ceiling. To give Dad credit, it only took a few seconds for him to transition from horror and disgust to confusion and disgust to disgusted exasperation.
It probably had a lot to do with me directing the bugs skittering across the kitchen ceiling - a roiling swarm of silverfish, flies, ants, spiders, and centipedes all moving in concerted unison - to depict a moving image in real-time of myself just as I raised my cup of tea to my lips for a careful sip.
Dad's eyes flicked back to the ceiling, then me, then the ceiling again. He took a slow, calming breath and raised a hand to adjust his glasses.
Then he calmly looked me in the eyes and said, "You're grounded for another week."
The only reason I didn't choke on my tea is because I hadn't taken a second sip yet.
"Daaaaad!"
So, I'm gonna be honest; I've had this snippet mostly done - like 99.9% done - for months but I've been distracted with work and lazy and a little more stressed the hell out than I usually am. Time to see if I can get back on the horse for realsies.
Also maybe I should finally cross-post this thread to SB?