Fox of the Forge (Overlord)

[Ryune]

Slipping past several well-armored, well, well-armored for the local's low-level area, adventurers I stepped up to the counter and cleared my throat to get the attention of the pretty blonde girl manning it.

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You might want to consider using an ellipsis(...) in place of one of these commas. The flow of the sentence calls for two different lengths of pause to really work.

 

[shypunk]

thanks for the chapter and for writing.

 

[Sesparra]

Thanks for writing! This is great, love the contracts and stuff<3

 

[RusselsSilvrware]

You might want to consider using an ellipsis(...) in place of one of these commas. The flow of the sentence calls for two different lengths of pause to really work.

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Better idea: em dashes.

Slipping past several well-armored—well, well-armored for the locals' low-level area—adventurers, I stepped up…

Click to shrink...

 

[tricholysis]

you could also use a different space-filler than 'well', given you're already repeating yourself with 'well-armored' and that of itself would improve clarity. 'well-amored, or, well-armored for...', for example, or 'well-armored, at least well-armored...'

pace is bogging down a little, at least for me.