Chapter 15: Tattered wings and shocking things
Despite her general tiredness she forced herself to stay awake. She was worried Zavia or Saffia would pick a fight after they woke. Perhaps she should have gotten some sleep herself? Yet ever since the night she touched the infinite void she had never slept well in darkness. She suppressed her fluttering anxiety as Zavia began to sit uncoiling from her corner to move towards the cave opening. She tensed as Zavia approached but the other dragon completely ignored them strolling right past her and Nixia as if they were beneath her notice, before leaping into the air and flying down past the cloudline.
Saffia acted very differently when she rose, her single eye glued to Nixia's still sleeping form as her tail twitched speculatively, yet a low growl made her sister flinch and back away. Yet even as Saffia flew away a part of her was still scared one of her sisters would return to try and kill her as she slept. She had never considered the idea that one of her siblings could kill her or even attack her outside of a lesson but now her eyes were opened to the possibility and she had managed to annoy half of her remaining siblings she found it difficult to stop thinking about it. She knew from experience that it was unlikely one of her siblings could snuff her out in a single blow as the Devourer could but still she struggled to relax enough to sleep as she kept feeling tense, like any moment she would have to leap into action. Yet she had to sleep sometime for her tiredness weighed down on her like a physical thing.
As she looked down at the overcast cloud far below she realized she was being foolish. "Zephyr? Can you wake me up if one of my sisters comes to kill me?" She asked into the wind. Briefly she felt abashed that she had skipped over all the flowery language that Zephyr had taught her to use when entreating a wind spirit for aid yet Zephyr they did not seem to mind her casualness. "Fear not Lanarithia, for I will watch over you." The wind spirit's soft voice seemed almost amused by her request. As she felt the wind spirit swirl around her she slowly let the tension drain away as she took solace in the warmth of the sun on her scales. Before she knew it consciousness had fled her and she slipped into the relaxing oblivion of dreamless sleep.
It felt like a moment was all that had passed when she flicked her eyes open once more but the sun was now high in the sky and she was alone in the caverns opening, the spot where Nixia once lay empty and her scent faded. "Zephyr?" she asked, confused and hoping the wind spirit was still nearby. While she did not doubt that Zephyr was watching over her she knew wind spirits could feel a dragon moving through the air a great distance away and that they loved to wander. A quiet moment passed before she heard Zephyr's voice from surprisingly nearby. "No void dragons approached you and the one by your side ceased their stillness and flew off a while ago."
She felt herself relax a bit as Zephyr told her everything was alright. As she wearily blinked her inner eyelids a great yawn exploded out of her jaws. She took a moment to stretch herself out, trying to wring the drowsiness from her body even as she took stock of how well she had healed during her nap. As she worked kinks out of abused muscles she found she felt better than she had last night, if still not truly well. Her whole body twinged with pain but it did not burn with white hot agony and that was clearly a step in the right direction. She even looked better, her wounds scarred over and beginning to fade. She even spotted the obsidian gleam of tiny new growth scales in the dull melted splotches that covered her hide. Yet she hissed in distress as she unfurled her right wing and saw its state. As she slept the delicate membranes that stretched between her wing fingers had partially regrown, fusing back together into a single cohesive piece but her wing was still riddled with holes and crisscrossed with angry red lines that marked weak, still healing areas. She might be able to fly on this wing. It could conceivably hold her aloft. It could also be torn apart by the rigors of flight and send her tumbling to her death.
She looked down at what she could see of the forests far below the cloudline and whined. She was hungry and thirsty and worried. It shocked her, that last feeling. She was concerned about Nixia being down there, even weaker and more wounded than she was as Zavia and Saffia hunted for her. It seemed strange to have such feelings for one of her sisters. From the moment they had hatched all of them had fought against each other under the gaze of the devourer. Yet despite that fact the idea of seeing Nixia dead distressed her. Evidently it distressed her enough for her to stick her own neck out to stop it. Why, though? Why did she care? She spent a while just standing there untangling her thoughts and working through her emotions as she looked out at the world.
A part of it she thought was bound up in her own fear of death. She had first realized her chances of surviving for any great length of time were low as she observed more and more of her siblings die. It made her understand how desperately she wanted to live, how much she feared ending up in the devourers maw like the others had. Valexia and Terria and all her other sisters killed before they could gain a name - she did not want to wind up like them. Looking back she saw the cautious optimism she had built up as days passed and no more of her sisters died. It had felt as if she had passed through a great trial and now her whole life lay ahead of her. Perhaps that was why Nixia's near death distressed her so. It had crushed her extremely fragile illusion of safety. She peered at this hypothesis, turning it over in her head as she examined it from different mental angles. It felt… not wrong exactly but perhaps incomplete?
The sound of her stomach growling knocked her out of her contemplations. She huffed in annoyance. surely it should not be so difficult to untangle why she felt something? Yet she felt the way she felt, regardless of her own internal objections. Some days she wondered if she would ever understand herself. Even now she was tempted to leap into the air and race after Nixia. Well Nixia and a deer but she understood her hunger much better than her feelings about her sister. Yet hunger or worry, it was all foolishness. Even leaving aside the risk to her life, how would she even find Nixia? She supposed she might be able to get a direction from Zephyr but the mountains and the forests below them were vast and Nixia would likely be hiding from their other sisters anyway. No Nixia would survive or she wouldn't and there was nothing she could do about it. As for her hunger she could survive a day without food she had done it before.
With a sigh she turned away from the outside world and looked inward at the cavern of her hatching. It was kind of a mess, covered in blood stains, shed scales and dragon excrement. She walked deeper traveling into the dark recess at the far end of the cavern where water gathered in stagnant pools. This place had seemed much larger when she had been a hatchling. She lowered her head to a pool and began to lap up water even as she cringed at the taste. The clear waters of the alpine lake were far superior but she forced herself to drink her fill anyway. She dearly wished she had something to fill her empty stomach, she would settle for tree bark but not even moss grew in the cavern and so she tried to turn her thoughts to something other than food. She tried to think of what she would do before the Devourers lesson and nervousness bubbled up within her. She was always afraid of the lessons but tonight's session with the Devourer seemed to loom over her. Shamanism. Zephyr would teach her shamanism until nightfall.
Yet despite her best efforts to relax and listen to Zephyr's stories her anxiety about the coming night bubbled up again and again. She loved shamanism but in addition to the distraction of worry and hunger it was hard to muster her normal excitement for techniques she might not even get the chance to practice. There would be no spirit dance this afternoon. "Zephyr?" she finally asked when she could bear it no more. "Can we try to cast lightning bolts? Ones like the windspeaker used to defeat dragons. I know you said that doing it properly requires a bunch of wind spirits or a much more powerful wind spirit but I think I might need something like lightning soon." There was a long pause before Zephyr answered. "Alright, we can attempt it. Just keep in mind that I've never done anything like this before." It was the most hesitant she had ever heard the wind spirit sound, but before she could comment Zephyr charged ahead. "This is a spell. Unlike a gust of wind you will have to cast it yourself but it will use my magic. I will give power and you will receive it. To do this you will entreat me and then focus upon our bond. With a random spirit it is apparently difficult but as you have given me my name it should be easy for us."
Zephyr seemed anxious yet determined the same as they had been when they had said that they would be willing to accept a name from her. With a deep breath she centered herself and prepared to launch into her first attempt at shamanic spellcasting before she paused. Briefly she flashed her void sense and searched the cavern for an invisible Devourer but it was only her and Zephyr here as far as she could tell. She did not know how the Devourer would react to her learning shamanism. She was certain it was not a traditional void dragon magic but would the Devourer care if she used it to smite her enemies? She was unsure. Hopefully she would not have to find out today. She knew that she would have to face the Devourers reaction if she ever used this in a lesson but that was a problem for latter.
After taking a moment to recenter herself she launched into an incantation. "Swift Zephyr, you brave and racing wind. You have given me so much. You have caught me when I fell. You lifted me up when I felt far too heavy to reach the sky. You have listed when I spoke and told me fascinating tales of things far beyond what I thought to be possible. Noble and curious Zephyr I beseech you! Will you grant me lightning? I promise I will do something amusing with it!" As Zephyr's laughter rolled over her she focused on her bond with the wind spirit, on all the time she had spent with them. Zephyr had been with her most of her life. Ever since she met them they were there, on the good days and the bad days, reliable like nothing else had been. She struggled to imagine what her life would have been like without Zephyr in it. Without late night stargazing discussions of shamanism and afternoon spirit dances. She was surprised by the intensity of her feelings but there was no time for self reflection for that was when she felt it.
It was the feeling she sometimes got where she just knew Zephyr was near but far more intense. She felt Zephyr's existence as she never had before, as a great vortex of swirling magic on the very edge of her perception, more intuited than sensed. They were made of wind and the wind was made of them. They were beautiful, a magic so different from her own hungry void. She opened herself up to the feeling and she felt a small fragment of Zephyr flow into her, energy unlike anything she had ever felt pouring into her body. Instinctively her void-self opened up, absorbing the energy into herself. She felt the power flow into that empty hollow place deep within her. A purr escaped her as the most amazing feeling washed over her. She felt full and complete in a way she never had before, like a terrible wound she had felt all her life was suddenly healed. Her void-self flourished, regenerating from the cannibalization it had endured last night. Then the power much diminished by her attentions began to flinch back, jerking in her grasp. She wanted desperately to pull upon it, to wrench it inside her void and make herself more complete yet something stopped her. She was pretty sure this was not how shamanic spellcasting was supposed to work. In her uncertainty she loosened her grip and in an instant the power fled her.
Slowly the feeling of completeness left and she whined in anguish as the hollowness returned, even stronger than before. She wanted to rage and curse, she wanted to throw herself to the ground in hopeless despair as a great tide of negative emotion washed over her. Then Zephyr spoke. "That was very rude, Lanarithia." She heard a slight tremble in Zephyr's soft voice. "Normally when Wind spirits give magic to a shaman they get it back after the shaman completes their spell. Subsuming a spirit's magic within themselves is a good way to not get any more magic." Her heart sank even further as she realized what she had just done. "I am sorry, I -" Zephyr interrupted her. "I know you didn't do it on purpose. We can try again if you want"
She stared at the air incredulously. "You gave a very good incantation. I very much want to see something amusing." the wind spirit said, sounding almost defensive. "Just give me a moment." Zephyr's trust helped raise her spirits even if she could not truly understand it. She focused inward taking slow, deep breaths as Zephyr had once told her too so many days ago. Slowly the clawing hollowness faded into the background of her awareness and she started to feel normal again. "I am sorry Zephyr. I really did not intend to diminish you. I will not do it again. If you still want to do this I think I am ready to try again." The words seemed painfully insufficient to her, yet Zephyr gave their assent and so she spoke a second incantation. It took longer this time to find the bond between them and once more feel Zephyr's existence on such a deep level but she managed it once more.
This time as she felt Zephyr flow into her she kept a tight grasp upon her voidself, determined not to screw up again. She focused upon the flowing beauty of Zephyr's magic as she carefully guided it within herself. Once again she felt the hollowness within the core of her voidself rise up as the desire to subsume, to complete herself, to not feel so very empty and alone flared within her. She fought against the instincts of her voidself for she knew that ultimately it was a part of her and that she could control it. It was difficult. It felt like observing Zephyr with her voidsense except much worse as the power now lay within her, unignorable and already enveloped by her voidself. Yet bit by bit she managed it, as the power moved within her she kept a firm but not devouring grasp upon it with her voidself. She felt as Zephyr handed off the bundle of magic to her and suddenly this strange alien power became her own. It was not a part of her and yet it moved to her will. She wanted to marvel at the strange sensation of controlling wind magic, of having what almost seemed a windself but she knew instinctively that this was temporary. Zephyr was letting her borrow a small sliver of their magic and in a few moments this power would return to them.
So she focused on using the magic while she had it, trying to cast the lightning spell Zephyr had taught her about. This turned out to be more difficult than she had foreseen. Wind magic moved differently to void magic. It felt and acted differently. More than that, while void spells flowed together almost intuitively spellcasting with wind felt like fumbling around in the dark. It did not help that she was distracted by the desire to eat the spell she was trying to cast. She let out a yelp as her half-formed mini lighting bolt activated prematurely and she felt a painful jolt as her body spasmed involuntarily. She heard Zephyr laugh as their magic flowed back to them. "That was certainly amusing." they said, their soft voice full of mirth.
She glared out at the wind but there was no heat in it. In truth she wanted to roar in triumph. She had done it! Well not exactly, but she hadn't screwed up awfully! "Can I try again?" she asked excitedly. For the rest of the afternoon she practiced the difficult art of shamanic spellcasting working with Zephyr to cast wind magic. She was not yet good enough to actually cast a proper lightning bolt but she still felt more prepared as dusk began to grow closer.
Saffia acted very differently when she rose, her single eye glued to Nixia's still sleeping form as her tail twitched speculatively, yet a low growl made her sister flinch and back away. Yet even as Saffia flew away a part of her was still scared one of her sisters would return to try and kill her as she slept. She had never considered the idea that one of her siblings could kill her or even attack her outside of a lesson but now her eyes were opened to the possibility and she had managed to annoy half of her remaining siblings she found it difficult to stop thinking about it. She knew from experience that it was unlikely one of her siblings could snuff her out in a single blow as the Devourer could but still she struggled to relax enough to sleep as she kept feeling tense, like any moment she would have to leap into action. Yet she had to sleep sometime for her tiredness weighed down on her like a physical thing.
As she looked down at the overcast cloud far below she realized she was being foolish. "Zephyr? Can you wake me up if one of my sisters comes to kill me?" She asked into the wind. Briefly she felt abashed that she had skipped over all the flowery language that Zephyr had taught her to use when entreating a wind spirit for aid yet Zephyr they did not seem to mind her casualness. "Fear not Lanarithia, for I will watch over you." The wind spirit's soft voice seemed almost amused by her request. As she felt the wind spirit swirl around her she slowly let the tension drain away as she took solace in the warmth of the sun on her scales. Before she knew it consciousness had fled her and she slipped into the relaxing oblivion of dreamless sleep.
It felt like a moment was all that had passed when she flicked her eyes open once more but the sun was now high in the sky and she was alone in the caverns opening, the spot where Nixia once lay empty and her scent faded. "Zephyr?" she asked, confused and hoping the wind spirit was still nearby. While she did not doubt that Zephyr was watching over her she knew wind spirits could feel a dragon moving through the air a great distance away and that they loved to wander. A quiet moment passed before she heard Zephyr's voice from surprisingly nearby. "No void dragons approached you and the one by your side ceased their stillness and flew off a while ago."
She felt herself relax a bit as Zephyr told her everything was alright. As she wearily blinked her inner eyelids a great yawn exploded out of her jaws. She took a moment to stretch herself out, trying to wring the drowsiness from her body even as she took stock of how well she had healed during her nap. As she worked kinks out of abused muscles she found she felt better than she had last night, if still not truly well. Her whole body twinged with pain but it did not burn with white hot agony and that was clearly a step in the right direction. She even looked better, her wounds scarred over and beginning to fade. She even spotted the obsidian gleam of tiny new growth scales in the dull melted splotches that covered her hide. Yet she hissed in distress as she unfurled her right wing and saw its state. As she slept the delicate membranes that stretched between her wing fingers had partially regrown, fusing back together into a single cohesive piece but her wing was still riddled with holes and crisscrossed with angry red lines that marked weak, still healing areas. She might be able to fly on this wing. It could conceivably hold her aloft. It could also be torn apart by the rigors of flight and send her tumbling to her death.
She looked down at what she could see of the forests far below the cloudline and whined. She was hungry and thirsty and worried. It shocked her, that last feeling. She was concerned about Nixia being down there, even weaker and more wounded than she was as Zavia and Saffia hunted for her. It seemed strange to have such feelings for one of her sisters. From the moment they had hatched all of them had fought against each other under the gaze of the devourer. Yet despite that fact the idea of seeing Nixia dead distressed her. Evidently it distressed her enough for her to stick her own neck out to stop it. Why, though? Why did she care? She spent a while just standing there untangling her thoughts and working through her emotions as she looked out at the world.
A part of it she thought was bound up in her own fear of death. She had first realized her chances of surviving for any great length of time were low as she observed more and more of her siblings die. It made her understand how desperately she wanted to live, how much she feared ending up in the devourers maw like the others had. Valexia and Terria and all her other sisters killed before they could gain a name - she did not want to wind up like them. Looking back she saw the cautious optimism she had built up as days passed and no more of her sisters died. It had felt as if she had passed through a great trial and now her whole life lay ahead of her. Perhaps that was why Nixia's near death distressed her so. It had crushed her extremely fragile illusion of safety. She peered at this hypothesis, turning it over in her head as she examined it from different mental angles. It felt… not wrong exactly but perhaps incomplete?
The sound of her stomach growling knocked her out of her contemplations. She huffed in annoyance. surely it should not be so difficult to untangle why she felt something? Yet she felt the way she felt, regardless of her own internal objections. Some days she wondered if she would ever understand herself. Even now she was tempted to leap into the air and race after Nixia. Well Nixia and a deer but she understood her hunger much better than her feelings about her sister. Yet hunger or worry, it was all foolishness. Even leaving aside the risk to her life, how would she even find Nixia? She supposed she might be able to get a direction from Zephyr but the mountains and the forests below them were vast and Nixia would likely be hiding from their other sisters anyway. No Nixia would survive or she wouldn't and there was nothing she could do about it. As for her hunger she could survive a day without food she had done it before.
With a sigh she turned away from the outside world and looked inward at the cavern of her hatching. It was kind of a mess, covered in blood stains, shed scales and dragon excrement. She walked deeper traveling into the dark recess at the far end of the cavern where water gathered in stagnant pools. This place had seemed much larger when she had been a hatchling. She lowered her head to a pool and began to lap up water even as she cringed at the taste. The clear waters of the alpine lake were far superior but she forced herself to drink her fill anyway. She dearly wished she had something to fill her empty stomach, she would settle for tree bark but not even moss grew in the cavern and so she tried to turn her thoughts to something other than food. She tried to think of what she would do before the Devourers lesson and nervousness bubbled up within her. She was always afraid of the lessons but tonight's session with the Devourer seemed to loom over her. Shamanism. Zephyr would teach her shamanism until nightfall.
Yet despite her best efforts to relax and listen to Zephyr's stories her anxiety about the coming night bubbled up again and again. She loved shamanism but in addition to the distraction of worry and hunger it was hard to muster her normal excitement for techniques she might not even get the chance to practice. There would be no spirit dance this afternoon. "Zephyr?" she finally asked when she could bear it no more. "Can we try to cast lightning bolts? Ones like the windspeaker used to defeat dragons. I know you said that doing it properly requires a bunch of wind spirits or a much more powerful wind spirit but I think I might need something like lightning soon." There was a long pause before Zephyr answered. "Alright, we can attempt it. Just keep in mind that I've never done anything like this before." It was the most hesitant she had ever heard the wind spirit sound, but before she could comment Zephyr charged ahead. "This is a spell. Unlike a gust of wind you will have to cast it yourself but it will use my magic. I will give power and you will receive it. To do this you will entreat me and then focus upon our bond. With a random spirit it is apparently difficult but as you have given me my name it should be easy for us."
Zephyr seemed anxious yet determined the same as they had been when they had said that they would be willing to accept a name from her. With a deep breath she centered herself and prepared to launch into her first attempt at shamanic spellcasting before she paused. Briefly she flashed her void sense and searched the cavern for an invisible Devourer but it was only her and Zephyr here as far as she could tell. She did not know how the Devourer would react to her learning shamanism. She was certain it was not a traditional void dragon magic but would the Devourer care if she used it to smite her enemies? She was unsure. Hopefully she would not have to find out today. She knew that she would have to face the Devourers reaction if she ever used this in a lesson but that was a problem for latter.
After taking a moment to recenter herself she launched into an incantation. "Swift Zephyr, you brave and racing wind. You have given me so much. You have caught me when I fell. You lifted me up when I felt far too heavy to reach the sky. You have listed when I spoke and told me fascinating tales of things far beyond what I thought to be possible. Noble and curious Zephyr I beseech you! Will you grant me lightning? I promise I will do something amusing with it!" As Zephyr's laughter rolled over her she focused on her bond with the wind spirit, on all the time she had spent with them. Zephyr had been with her most of her life. Ever since she met them they were there, on the good days and the bad days, reliable like nothing else had been. She struggled to imagine what her life would have been like without Zephyr in it. Without late night stargazing discussions of shamanism and afternoon spirit dances. She was surprised by the intensity of her feelings but there was no time for self reflection for that was when she felt it.
It was the feeling she sometimes got where she just knew Zephyr was near but far more intense. She felt Zephyr's existence as she never had before, as a great vortex of swirling magic on the very edge of her perception, more intuited than sensed. They were made of wind and the wind was made of them. They were beautiful, a magic so different from her own hungry void. She opened herself up to the feeling and she felt a small fragment of Zephyr flow into her, energy unlike anything she had ever felt pouring into her body. Instinctively her void-self opened up, absorbing the energy into herself. She felt the power flow into that empty hollow place deep within her. A purr escaped her as the most amazing feeling washed over her. She felt full and complete in a way she never had before, like a terrible wound she had felt all her life was suddenly healed. Her void-self flourished, regenerating from the cannibalization it had endured last night. Then the power much diminished by her attentions began to flinch back, jerking in her grasp. She wanted desperately to pull upon it, to wrench it inside her void and make herself more complete yet something stopped her. She was pretty sure this was not how shamanic spellcasting was supposed to work. In her uncertainty she loosened her grip and in an instant the power fled her.
Slowly the feeling of completeness left and she whined in anguish as the hollowness returned, even stronger than before. She wanted to rage and curse, she wanted to throw herself to the ground in hopeless despair as a great tide of negative emotion washed over her. Then Zephyr spoke. "That was very rude, Lanarithia." She heard a slight tremble in Zephyr's soft voice. "Normally when Wind spirits give magic to a shaman they get it back after the shaman completes their spell. Subsuming a spirit's magic within themselves is a good way to not get any more magic." Her heart sank even further as she realized what she had just done. "I am sorry, I -" Zephyr interrupted her. "I know you didn't do it on purpose. We can try again if you want"
She stared at the air incredulously. "You gave a very good incantation. I very much want to see something amusing." the wind spirit said, sounding almost defensive. "Just give me a moment." Zephyr's trust helped raise her spirits even if she could not truly understand it. She focused inward taking slow, deep breaths as Zephyr had once told her too so many days ago. Slowly the clawing hollowness faded into the background of her awareness and she started to feel normal again. "I am sorry Zephyr. I really did not intend to diminish you. I will not do it again. If you still want to do this I think I am ready to try again." The words seemed painfully insufficient to her, yet Zephyr gave their assent and so she spoke a second incantation. It took longer this time to find the bond between them and once more feel Zephyr's existence on such a deep level but she managed it once more.
This time as she felt Zephyr flow into her she kept a tight grasp upon her voidself, determined not to screw up again. She focused upon the flowing beauty of Zephyr's magic as she carefully guided it within herself. Once again she felt the hollowness within the core of her voidself rise up as the desire to subsume, to complete herself, to not feel so very empty and alone flared within her. She fought against the instincts of her voidself for she knew that ultimately it was a part of her and that she could control it. It was difficult. It felt like observing Zephyr with her voidsense except much worse as the power now lay within her, unignorable and already enveloped by her voidself. Yet bit by bit she managed it, as the power moved within her she kept a firm but not devouring grasp upon it with her voidself. She felt as Zephyr handed off the bundle of magic to her and suddenly this strange alien power became her own. It was not a part of her and yet it moved to her will. She wanted to marvel at the strange sensation of controlling wind magic, of having what almost seemed a windself but she knew instinctively that this was temporary. Zephyr was letting her borrow a small sliver of their magic and in a few moments this power would return to them.
So she focused on using the magic while she had it, trying to cast the lightning spell Zephyr had taught her about. This turned out to be more difficult than she had foreseen. Wind magic moved differently to void magic. It felt and acted differently. More than that, while void spells flowed together almost intuitively spellcasting with wind felt like fumbling around in the dark. It did not help that she was distracted by the desire to eat the spell she was trying to cast. She let out a yelp as her half-formed mini lighting bolt activated prematurely and she felt a painful jolt as her body spasmed involuntarily. She heard Zephyr laugh as their magic flowed back to them. "That was certainly amusing." they said, their soft voice full of mirth.
She glared out at the wind but there was no heat in it. In truth she wanted to roar in triumph. She had done it! Well not exactly, but she hadn't screwed up awfully! "Can I try again?" she asked excitedly. For the rest of the afternoon she practiced the difficult art of shamanic spellcasting working with Zephyr to cast wind magic. She was not yet good enough to actually cast a proper lightning bolt but she still felt more prepared as dusk began to grow closer.
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