Doppelganger (Worm CYOA V6)
- Thread starter ThoughtfullyMad
- Start date
Lord of Monsters Original
A man makes a deal with a alien civilization on the brink of extinction and becomes their leader.
forums.sufficientvelocity.com
Huh I didn't know that. Also guess that got past spell check because of locus genii. Which is funny cause a Dungeon is type of locus genii seen in fiction.
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If Operator was the good aligned build then they obviously weren't a min-maxer. 
Even with just tier 1 powers you can become neigh unkillable even for an Endbringer or at least resurrect later.
Even with just tier 1 powers you can become neigh unkillable even for an Endbringer or at least resurrect later.Don't read the spoiler unless you are okay with getting a rather massive hint.If Operator was the good aligned build then they obviously weren't a min-maxer.
Operator wasn't one of the players he was a Echidna Clone.
Chapter 7
Chapter 7
After partially convincing the lady that I wasn't going to eat all her seeds she let me browse her store. She still watched me like a hawk but I was able to find bamboo seeds as well as wheatgrass seeds for growing chicken feed. I paid and left the store before she could convince herself I was up to no good again.
Maybe I'll order seeds from the internet in the future. I could get more variety that way too. I just need to figure out how to expand the dungeon so I can plant as much as I want. Not to mention I don't want chickens for roommates. I start to think on how to grow the Dungeon and I get the feeling of a trickle of mana leading to a wall. It's apparently that simple. I just need to send some of my mana towards the wall and I'll be able to make another room or maybe expand the one I've got. I start the process at the apartment Dungeon with what little mana I get from the family of mice, and the bugs that haven't been hunted down and eaten yet. At this rate it feels like it would take ages but it should speed up when I go back to the Dungeon and it can access my mana.
Due to all the thinking it seems like no time has passed before I'm at Mrs.Dallon's firm. I enter the building and am faced with a waiting room with a briefly bored looking secretary, now she looks a little nervous. "Hello I'm here for my appointment with Mrs.Dallon. My name is Roan Phoenix, or Doppelganger if you prefer cape names, but I'm here on civilian business."
Once she sees I don't bite she calms down a little and says "Yes I was told to expect you. It's just a lot to take in, you know? She'll be with you in a moment. She's just finishing up some paperwork." I go to take a seat and play games on my phone to pass the time. Interestingly the phone came with the old zelda game so I play that while waiting.
Time flies and it doesn't feel like any passes before I'm called into her office. Where I find her looking over a clipboard which I presume has the excerpt from my call with her secretary. "When you called you said you had a business proposition you ran by the PRT and wanted a lawyer to make sure you get a good deal. I assume you wanted me as your lawyer because this business is reliant on a power, or multiple powers of your's, or your associates."
"Yes, the idea is to open a courier service using three of my powers in tandem two that let me make orbs that can create pocket dimensions anchored to a location on our earth and one that lets me open portals to a separate pocket dimension that I can use to store and retrieve things from. The storage dimension that I'm calling my inventory is able to be opened at any of the orbs that I make." This is when I smile to her visible disquiet "You see, with this I can open up a portal in any city that has an orb. Near instant transportation. The PRT seemed very interested, especially when I mentioned that with the proper vehicles people could be sent though.
"Not to mention all the other things that can be done with my pocket dimensions. I'm talking about cheap housing and farms that don't take up much land, just a six by ten hole in the ground. It doesn't even take up the horizontal area that part resides in the pocket dimension itself."
After my explanation she accepts being my lawyer at a rate of $1,000 dollars an hour and she calls the PRT to let them know that we're going to be over in a few days to discuss a deal with them specifically. Then she turns to me saying "There is one more thing we need to discuss. Your comments about my daughters costume were inappropriate and I'd appreciate it if you would apologize so I can tell her you are sorry."
"Sure. I am sorry I said it anyway I didn't mean to think out loud." Thankfully she accepts that apology and we can put that awkwardness behind us. After another hour of discussing just what I'd want in a contract she lets me go on my way.
I decide to head back to the apartment for lunch and to plant my seeds in the Dungeon. Huh pretty soon I think I'll be able to afford to buy the apartment then I don't have to worry about leaving behind the Dungeon or Berry and Daisy.
On my flight back to the apartment I spot a mugging in progress so I call it in to the police and perform a citizen's arrest on the mugger. He only had a knife so he couldn't even hurt me. His victim got away when I landed in between them. So I didn't get a good look at them but the mugger was a strung out man in rough unwashed clothes. Seems like I caught a merchant. The police arrive and take him away soon enough. I think they are getting used to me. No one looked to reach for their guns this time.
After giving my statement I'm allowed to continue home and I fly off. I think I'll stop by a fastfood place on my way back to get something to eat. On my way home I see a restaurant called Bob's Burgers and bust up laughing. They must not have the show on Earth Bet or they'd be copyright striked. I stop by and order a cheeseburger and curly fries and then I'm on my way. I remember scaring the PRT people last time I ate in public. So I'm gonna eat at home.
After partially convincing the lady that I wasn't going to eat all her seeds she let me browse her store. She still watched me like a hawk but I was able to find bamboo seeds as well as wheatgrass seeds for growing chicken feed. I paid and left the store before she could convince herself I was up to no good again.
Maybe I'll order seeds from the internet in the future. I could get more variety that way too. I just need to figure out how to expand the dungeon so I can plant as much as I want. Not to mention I don't want chickens for roommates. I start to think on how to grow the Dungeon and I get the feeling of a trickle of mana leading to a wall. It's apparently that simple. I just need to send some of my mana towards the wall and I'll be able to make another room or maybe expand the one I've got. I start the process at the apartment Dungeon with what little mana I get from the family of mice, and the bugs that haven't been hunted down and eaten yet. At this rate it feels like it would take ages but it should speed up when I go back to the Dungeon and it can access my mana.
Due to all the thinking it seems like no time has passed before I'm at Mrs.Dallon's firm. I enter the building and am faced with a waiting room with a briefly bored looking secretary, now she looks a little nervous. "Hello I'm here for my appointment with Mrs.Dallon. My name is Roan Phoenix, or Doppelganger if you prefer cape names, but I'm here on civilian business."
Once she sees I don't bite she calms down a little and says "Yes I was told to expect you. It's just a lot to take in, you know? She'll be with you in a moment. She's just finishing up some paperwork." I go to take a seat and play games on my phone to pass the time. Interestingly the phone came with the old zelda game so I play that while waiting.
Time flies and it doesn't feel like any passes before I'm called into her office. Where I find her looking over a clipboard which I presume has the excerpt from my call with her secretary. "When you called you said you had a business proposition you ran by the PRT and wanted a lawyer to make sure you get a good deal. I assume you wanted me as your lawyer because this business is reliant on a power, or multiple powers of your's, or your associates."
"Yes, the idea is to open a courier service using three of my powers in tandem two that let me make orbs that can create pocket dimensions anchored to a location on our earth and one that lets me open portals to a separate pocket dimension that I can use to store and retrieve things from. The storage dimension that I'm calling my inventory is able to be opened at any of the orbs that I make." This is when I smile to her visible disquiet "You see, with this I can open up a portal in any city that has an orb. Near instant transportation. The PRT seemed very interested, especially when I mentioned that with the proper vehicles people could be sent though.
"Not to mention all the other things that can be done with my pocket dimensions. I'm talking about cheap housing and farms that don't take up much land, just a six by ten hole in the ground. It doesn't even take up the horizontal area that part resides in the pocket dimension itself."
After my explanation she accepts being my lawyer at a rate of $1,000 dollars an hour and she calls the PRT to let them know that we're going to be over in a few days to discuss a deal with them specifically. Then she turns to me saying "There is one more thing we need to discuss. Your comments about my daughters costume were inappropriate and I'd appreciate it if you would apologize so I can tell her you are sorry."
"Sure. I am sorry I said it anyway I didn't mean to think out loud." Thankfully she accepts that apology and we can put that awkwardness behind us. After another hour of discussing just what I'd want in a contract she lets me go on my way.
I decide to head back to the apartment for lunch and to plant my seeds in the Dungeon. Huh pretty soon I think I'll be able to afford to buy the apartment then I don't have to worry about leaving behind the Dungeon or Berry and Daisy.
On my flight back to the apartment I spot a mugging in progress so I call it in to the police and perform a citizen's arrest on the mugger. He only had a knife so he couldn't even hurt me. His victim got away when I landed in between them. So I didn't get a good look at them but the mugger was a strung out man in rough unwashed clothes. Seems like I caught a merchant. The police arrive and take him away soon enough. I think they are getting used to me. No one looked to reach for their guns this time.
After giving my statement I'm allowed to continue home and I fly off. I think I'll stop by a fastfood place on my way back to get something to eat. On my way home I see a restaurant called Bob's Burgers and bust up laughing. They must not have the show on Earth Bet or they'd be copyright striked. I stop by and order a cheeseburger and curly fries and then I'm on my way. I remember scaring the PRT people last time I ate in public. So I'm gonna eat at home.
Chapter 8
Chapter 8
When I get back to the Dungeon first I decide to see if I can make clothes. I'm already sick of giving mine away. So I send an order to Berry and Daisy along the lines of 'start the process to make clothes'. They each grab a couple of pieces of wood and metal and carry them over to a corner of the room then using these they start to construct what looks like a spinning wheel with a seat and a pedal to make it spin.
I tell them to start the next step and Daisy takes a few blocks of wood over to the machine and puts them in a hole near the bottom before taking a seat and pumping the pedal with her foot making yarn from wood. At this point I'm almost beyond questioning the Dungeon.
Meanwhile while I question the practicality of matter transmutation, Berry looks to be building a loom near the wall. Next when the yarn is done I tell Berry to make a dress in Daisy's size. He grabs the yarn and goes over to the loom and begins to weave a beautiful multicolored dress. I look up how long it takes to weave something and it says it can take six hours for a scarf but it looks like something about the dungeon speeds up the process because the dress is already about 2% done and I've only been watching for a handful of minutes.
It's really getting cramped in here with all the furniture and the resources which I successfully try to put in my inventory. Don't know why I didn't think of that till now. I think I'm also gonna move my bed further in when the Dungeon finishes the new room. Which feels like it should be done in three days if I stayed in the Dungeon the entire time.
I think it should go faster if I get a pet and it's about time for me to move on from my last dog's passing, he passed away last year. Plus it would probably be good for me. I'm all alone in this world and it's really starting to get to me. It's quite frankly amazing I haven't had a breakdown yet, but I gotta keep going or I might stop for good.
I realize I've been treating this world a bit like a game but can you blame me? This all started because I played a CYOA game. But hey at least it's a game I'm winning. I think if it was spelled out to me that it would really happen, I'd get powers, and be cured of my paranoid schizophrenia. I'd take that deal in a heartbeat. Even if I might not have made the same choices. It's so nice to be without the constant fear, and paranoia. I mean sure I was on medicine that let me function, but there was always the voices, no medicine managed to get rid of them.
I still wonder what sent me here, was it the 'Last One' like the CYOA said or something else? My bets on some sort of trickster god or maybe a fae. Maybe I'm being superstitious but I was moved through space and time to a world that was just ink on a page. I think I'm allowed to be a bit superstitious and I refuse to believe an alien that had its species wiped out by Scion could wield so much power. If his people were capable of everything the entity that transported me here was capable of, they would have won.
Anyway, enough woolgathering. The dress is done, let's have her wear it. I call Daisy over to try on the dress and turn around to let her put it on with a modicum of privacy. Not that she cares, but it eases my mind. I turn around when she's done and I swear she looks happy. She even does a little twirl to show it off. It's primarily yellow with red and orange highlights reminiscent of a sunset. Maybe I'll have some made for me as well once we've got Berry dressed in proper Dungeon made clothes.
I order them to make an outfit for Berry and they run off to the spinning wheel and the loom respectively. I play on my phone while they work and it's not long before they have made him a tunic. It's primarily a burgundy red just like his scales with shades of yellow. It reminds me of fallen leaves.
Now that I have my clothes back I need to wash them so my main body goes to the building's laundry room. Meanwhile since there aren't ears to be hurt by such noise I tell Berry to try mining the metal in the wall. I want to see if it will grow back. If it does I'll have yet another thing to bring people to my Dungeons if the metals are any good and if they are not then at least I'll have a source of metal in the Dungeon.
Berry walks to the wall and starts to swing his claws where the wall parts like butter leaving behind the ore. I end up getting three pieces of metal and that's just from the growth of today. It will pay for itself in four more days time.
Meanwhile in the laundry room I see a woman and her child. The woman is busy doing laundry but her kid is watching me with wide eyes as I deposit my quarters in the machine. Eventually he comes up to me and says "Excuse me mister are you a hero or a villain." Much to the horror of his mother who now notices me and freezes in fear for her son.
"No I'm not a hero or a villain but I'm going to be working with the PRT so I can't be all bad."
This is what reboots his mom who comes over and apologies with "Sorry about my son. May I ask what you are doing here though? You said you were working with the PRT. Did they set you up with an apartment here or something?"
Surprisingly once the fear is gone they are quite talkative. We end up talking until both of our loads of laundry are done.
When I get back to the Dungeon first I decide to see if I can make clothes. I'm already sick of giving mine away. So I send an order to Berry and Daisy along the lines of 'start the process to make clothes'. They each grab a couple of pieces of wood and metal and carry them over to a corner of the room then using these they start to construct what looks like a spinning wheel with a seat and a pedal to make it spin.
I tell them to start the next step and Daisy takes a few blocks of wood over to the machine and puts them in a hole near the bottom before taking a seat and pumping the pedal with her foot making yarn from wood. At this point I'm almost beyond questioning the Dungeon.
Meanwhile while I question the practicality of matter transmutation, Berry looks to be building a loom near the wall. Next when the yarn is done I tell Berry to make a dress in Daisy's size. He grabs the yarn and goes over to the loom and begins to weave a beautiful multicolored dress. I look up how long it takes to weave something and it says it can take six hours for a scarf but it looks like something about the dungeon speeds up the process because the dress is already about 2% done and I've only been watching for a handful of minutes.
It's really getting cramped in here with all the furniture and the resources which I successfully try to put in my inventory. Don't know why I didn't think of that till now. I think I'm also gonna move my bed further in when the Dungeon finishes the new room. Which feels like it should be done in three days if I stayed in the Dungeon the entire time.
I think it should go faster if I get a pet and it's about time for me to move on from my last dog's passing, he passed away last year. Plus it would probably be good for me. I'm all alone in this world and it's really starting to get to me. It's quite frankly amazing I haven't had a breakdown yet, but I gotta keep going or I might stop for good.
I realize I've been treating this world a bit like a game but can you blame me? This all started because I played a CYOA game. But hey at least it's a game I'm winning. I think if it was spelled out to me that it would really happen, I'd get powers, and be cured of my paranoid schizophrenia. I'd take that deal in a heartbeat. Even if I might not have made the same choices. It's so nice to be without the constant fear, and paranoia. I mean sure I was on medicine that let me function, but there was always the voices, no medicine managed to get rid of them.
I still wonder what sent me here, was it the 'Last One' like the CYOA said or something else? My bets on some sort of trickster god or maybe a fae. Maybe I'm being superstitious but I was moved through space and time to a world that was just ink on a page. I think I'm allowed to be a bit superstitious and I refuse to believe an alien that had its species wiped out by Scion could wield so much power. If his people were capable of everything the entity that transported me here was capable of, they would have won.
Anyway, enough woolgathering. The dress is done, let's have her wear it. I call Daisy over to try on the dress and turn around to let her put it on with a modicum of privacy. Not that she cares, but it eases my mind. I turn around when she's done and I swear she looks happy. She even does a little twirl to show it off. It's primarily yellow with red and orange highlights reminiscent of a sunset. Maybe I'll have some made for me as well once we've got Berry dressed in proper Dungeon made clothes.
I order them to make an outfit for Berry and they run off to the spinning wheel and the loom respectively. I play on my phone while they work and it's not long before they have made him a tunic. It's primarily a burgundy red just like his scales with shades of yellow. It reminds me of fallen leaves.
Now that I have my clothes back I need to wash them so my main body goes to the building's laundry room. Meanwhile since there aren't ears to be hurt by such noise I tell Berry to try mining the metal in the wall. I want to see if it will grow back. If it does I'll have yet another thing to bring people to my Dungeons if the metals are any good and if they are not then at least I'll have a source of metal in the Dungeon.
Berry walks to the wall and starts to swing his claws where the wall parts like butter leaving behind the ore. I end up getting three pieces of metal and that's just from the growth of today. It will pay for itself in four more days time.
Meanwhile in the laundry room I see a woman and her child. The woman is busy doing laundry but her kid is watching me with wide eyes as I deposit my quarters in the machine. Eventually he comes up to me and says "Excuse me mister are you a hero or a villain." Much to the horror of his mother who now notices me and freezes in fear for her son.
"No I'm not a hero or a villain but I'm going to be working with the PRT so I can't be all bad."
This is what reboots his mom who comes over and apologies with "Sorry about my son. May I ask what you are doing here though? You said you were working with the PRT. Did they set you up with an apartment here or something?"
Surprisingly once the fear is gone they are quite talkative. We end up talking until both of our loads of laundry are done.
In general I liked the story so far, the main problem that I see is the narration.
There is too much:
Character A is going to do action X, while character A is doing X, he meets Character B and starts a little scripted dialogue between A and B.
Repeating the same format in each scene.
The different characters lack their own voice or something that identifies them; more pauses, stutters, interruptions, changes in pitch and speed to make them feel more alive.
Just like the MC said, this feels like a videogame, precisely Skyrim and you don't want Skyrim to be an example for your written story that is about its characters and their relationships.
...
Will the magical wyvern bring a baby Kobold in a few months to Dad and Mom Kobold?
Currently I have the mental image that he is a Turian or that thing from District 9.
There is too much:
Character A is going to do action X, while character A is doing X, he meets Character B and starts a little scripted dialogue between A and B.
Repeating the same format in each scene.
The different characters lack their own voice or something that identifies them; more pauses, stutters, interruptions, changes in pitch and speed to make them feel more alive.
Just like the MC said, this feels like a videogame, precisely Skyrim and you don't want Skyrim to be an example for your written story that is about its characters and their relationships.
...
Will the magical wyvern bring a baby Kobold in a few months to Dad and Mom Kobold?
Currently I have the mental image that he is a Turian or that thing from District 9.
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Thanks for the tips. I'll try and do better. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing.
My personal image for them is more Turian than the aliens from District 9. As to whether the magical wyvern will bring them an egg
It has something to do with all the bugs they've been eating
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