Crawkid
Lover of quests and community
- Location
- holed up in my room
Another days spending long hours just thinking about what to write, instead of writing. I spent a lot of thinking power on formulating a vote for a quest i play in...and also to figure out how to make dinner tonight.
So I cant seem to break into something to write it out, though there are multiple things I want to write for. Even when Im sure it seems like all of my focus has just been on one thing - sorry, but its whats easiest to write for at the moment.
so...today, to get my words...im gunna ramble a bit.
" I dont even know what topic to start with. But my brain says philosophy. thats something i can rant about you know. though my philosophy, if you dont include the bit of nature and peoples place in it, then most of it comes down to 'dont be a douche. shut up and let people be happy' simple, but you know, it sometimes feels like its nearly impossible now days to find someone who would act in accordance with this simple idea.
I have been thinking about that for a long time.
My experience is that though I try to live in this way, and have studied social exchanges- both through unofficial people watching with notebooks, and through actual college classes... No matter how hard I study, how faithfully I employ strategies, or how many years I have remained steadfast in being basic and blunt - I will always be misunderstood. It feels like a curse, really. And I will admit, is one of the cornerstones to my depression.
But it has unlocked some insight.
The first is that I care way too much. That is to say, that sometimes, when it feels like something has gone wrong, I put in double the effort. And I keep doubling , and keep doubling - up to the point that I may miss what is absolutely clear in some cases, that the end of the conversation is a forgone conclusion.
Sometimes something changes. People change. And sometimes they decide, out of the blue to you, that they dont care about you anymore. And the problem with trying to work with someone who has decided they dont care...is obviously, that. They dont care! So it doesnt matter how logical, well meaning, or well articulated you are, they have already stopped listening!
Its hurtful...it hurts to be thrown away, sometimes for no good reason. Sometimes you dont want to let go. Sometimes you plead and you beg... but the truth is, if they come back unwillingly, its because they just want you to stop bothering them with it. My experince in this case, is that they will change their mind the second you leave them alone. Because it has already been decided. So yes, it may hurt. And yes, they may be in the wrong. Mean. distant. illogical. Its their choice, so leave them alone...it will only hurt more when you realize promises to you hold no meaning to them.
The second, is that in this day and age...there are just too many people that hurt- are hurt, have been hurt, grew up hurt. These people are suspicious of everything. They jump on everything, interrupt people to accuse them of things, talk quickly whenever they get to chance to try and shut you down... they're also the type to get offended by something I've said, thinking I said something else. How?
This is something that took many years to puzzle out but, it is because they are used to people having other things to say. Other goals. ulterior motives. Theyre used to reading in between the lines...and so, when someone speaks, but they dont see whats between the lines, it makes them a bit paranoid, and gives their mind too much freedom to come to its own conclusions. And its always, always, the worst case scenario.
These people will also not let me speak. Wont let me explain and correct their assumptions. Because once they think they have me figured out, any reasoning will just be seen as an excuse or a lie.
There are a lot of hurt people in this world.
I've had to let go a lot of people I thought had understood me, and had my back through anything. But their brain goblins got to them.
...Im sorry. Is this still philosphy? Im sure in some cases it is. It could be argued that it is right? Though Im just picking apart the difference between societal norms and some of the underlying reasons for conflict, verses blunt, direct forms of communication and soe of my failed attempts at conflict resolution through logical reasoning.
And hey, you might have seen the reference to logical and illogical several times by now. There's your mistake, you might think. But I am not emotionally illiterate, nor do I think emotions are entirely illogical. Maybe some are or are not directly tired to survival- thats about what I imagine people would believe someone who talks like I do would get at on this topic...but no, i operate that some emotions may not make sense on a purely survival scale, but that emotions exist with its own logic. And therefore there is a cause and effect that we can identify.
Like for example, if someone you dont know just walks up with no prompting and insults your friend, youre going to be shocked, confused and then probably very pissed.
Now, Ive gone off on a tangent...
I suppose to circle it back to my original point is that I once thought my own words "shut up and let people be happy" meant to not get up in arms about things that dont effect you - the color of someones house, their religious beliefs, if their are straight or not... that doesnt effect you, and you shouldnt make it your business. You feel that youre right? correct? So what? Youre not going to convince them. Confronting people about things that are fundemental to them, and have nothing to do with you, will only cause anger and misery for both sides. In this case, you are choosing to make something your business when it has no reason to be.
And my philosphy says 'stop that.'
But what I didnt realize, when I simplified all of my beliefs down to that, is that it is so much more. And it is so much more difficult than it sounds.
"Shut up, and let people be happy" doesnt just mean "Dont make unnecessary trouble for others". It isnt just my annoyance with people nitpicking and attacking others for reasons that I find unreasonable and sometimes even inhuman....it is also, inadvertantly, advise for myself.
In a world of unchecked cancel culture ...in a world of echo chambers...where anyone who speaks or thinks differently to you is either 'toxic' or 'woke', and therefore dehumanized and thrown away like trash...if someone has clearly made up their mind about you, shut up, and let them be. Because really, more and more, this starts to feel like the only way to survive.
And wow, thats pretty bleak isnt it? Anyone still reading this, still hanging in there? Cool, now that Ive probably made enemies of 90% of america and the internet as a whole... remember, this is just a ramble. And as I said, its lacking the parts involving nature and peoples place in it. Its kind of hard to combine them off the top of my head, and I may find difficulty even with some thought. I suppose you could fit Natural Consequences in there somewhere.
Regardless, despite possible advise to myself, I will likely continue to care. I will likely still want to be helpful, kind, logical, and want to keep peace between myself and others. I will always want friends, and to make friends. It will always hurt to lose anyone, or to face conflict for which I can not reach peace. The consequence is that I will continue to get hurt.
But well, maybe with this insight, I will learn to move on that much faster"
ah....and now i have hit more than 500 words, nice.
So I cant seem to break into something to write it out, though there are multiple things I want to write for. Even when Im sure it seems like all of my focus has just been on one thing - sorry, but its whats easiest to write for at the moment.
so...today, to get my words...im gunna ramble a bit.
" I dont even know what topic to start with. But my brain says philosophy. thats something i can rant about you know. though my philosophy, if you dont include the bit of nature and peoples place in it, then most of it comes down to 'dont be a douche. shut up and let people be happy' simple, but you know, it sometimes feels like its nearly impossible now days to find someone who would act in accordance with this simple idea.
I have been thinking about that for a long time.
My experience is that though I try to live in this way, and have studied social exchanges- both through unofficial people watching with notebooks, and through actual college classes... No matter how hard I study, how faithfully I employ strategies, or how many years I have remained steadfast in being basic and blunt - I will always be misunderstood. It feels like a curse, really. And I will admit, is one of the cornerstones to my depression.
But it has unlocked some insight.
The first is that I care way too much. That is to say, that sometimes, when it feels like something has gone wrong, I put in double the effort. And I keep doubling , and keep doubling - up to the point that I may miss what is absolutely clear in some cases, that the end of the conversation is a forgone conclusion.
Sometimes something changes. People change. And sometimes they decide, out of the blue to you, that they dont care about you anymore. And the problem with trying to work with someone who has decided they dont care...is obviously, that. They dont care! So it doesnt matter how logical, well meaning, or well articulated you are, they have already stopped listening!
Its hurtful...it hurts to be thrown away, sometimes for no good reason. Sometimes you dont want to let go. Sometimes you plead and you beg... but the truth is, if they come back unwillingly, its because they just want you to stop bothering them with it. My experince in this case, is that they will change their mind the second you leave them alone. Because it has already been decided. So yes, it may hurt. And yes, they may be in the wrong. Mean. distant. illogical. Its their choice, so leave them alone...it will only hurt more when you realize promises to you hold no meaning to them.
The second, is that in this day and age...there are just too many people that hurt- are hurt, have been hurt, grew up hurt. These people are suspicious of everything. They jump on everything, interrupt people to accuse them of things, talk quickly whenever they get to chance to try and shut you down... they're also the type to get offended by something I've said, thinking I said something else. How?
This is something that took many years to puzzle out but, it is because they are used to people having other things to say. Other goals. ulterior motives. Theyre used to reading in between the lines...and so, when someone speaks, but they dont see whats between the lines, it makes them a bit paranoid, and gives their mind too much freedom to come to its own conclusions. And its always, always, the worst case scenario.
These people will also not let me speak. Wont let me explain and correct their assumptions. Because once they think they have me figured out, any reasoning will just be seen as an excuse or a lie.
There are a lot of hurt people in this world.
I've had to let go a lot of people I thought had understood me, and had my back through anything. But their brain goblins got to them.
...Im sorry. Is this still philosphy? Im sure in some cases it is. It could be argued that it is right? Though Im just picking apart the difference between societal norms and some of the underlying reasons for conflict, verses blunt, direct forms of communication and soe of my failed attempts at conflict resolution through logical reasoning.
And hey, you might have seen the reference to logical and illogical several times by now. There's your mistake, you might think. But I am not emotionally illiterate, nor do I think emotions are entirely illogical. Maybe some are or are not directly tired to survival- thats about what I imagine people would believe someone who talks like I do would get at on this topic...but no, i operate that some emotions may not make sense on a purely survival scale, but that emotions exist with its own logic. And therefore there is a cause and effect that we can identify.
Like for example, if someone you dont know just walks up with no prompting and insults your friend, youre going to be shocked, confused and then probably very pissed.
Now, Ive gone off on a tangent...
I suppose to circle it back to my original point is that I once thought my own words "shut up and let people be happy" meant to not get up in arms about things that dont effect you - the color of someones house, their religious beliefs, if their are straight or not... that doesnt effect you, and you shouldnt make it your business. You feel that youre right? correct? So what? Youre not going to convince them. Confronting people about things that are fundemental to them, and have nothing to do with you, will only cause anger and misery for both sides. In this case, you are choosing to make something your business when it has no reason to be.
And my philosphy says 'stop that.'
But what I didnt realize, when I simplified all of my beliefs down to that, is that it is so much more. And it is so much more difficult than it sounds.
"Shut up, and let people be happy" doesnt just mean "Dont make unnecessary trouble for others". It isnt just my annoyance with people nitpicking and attacking others for reasons that I find unreasonable and sometimes even inhuman....it is also, inadvertantly, advise for myself.
In a world of unchecked cancel culture ...in a world of echo chambers...where anyone who speaks or thinks differently to you is either 'toxic' or 'woke', and therefore dehumanized and thrown away like trash...if someone has clearly made up their mind about you, shut up, and let them be. Because really, more and more, this starts to feel like the only way to survive.
And wow, thats pretty bleak isnt it? Anyone still reading this, still hanging in there? Cool, now that Ive probably made enemies of 90% of america and the internet as a whole... remember, this is just a ramble. And as I said, its lacking the parts involving nature and peoples place in it. Its kind of hard to combine them off the top of my head, and I may find difficulty even with some thought. I suppose you could fit Natural Consequences in there somewhere.
Regardless, despite possible advise to myself, I will likely continue to care. I will likely still want to be helpful, kind, logical, and want to keep peace between myself and others. I will always want friends, and to make friends. It will always hurt to lose anyone, or to face conflict for which I can not reach peace. The consequence is that I will continue to get hurt.
But well, maybe with this insight, I will learn to move on that much faster"
ah....and now i have hit more than 500 words, nice.