Not sure which I like more, Dorothea humming Voltaire or flirting with the Gatekeeper (or fake-flirting, either one is good).

And now I'm imagining Hubert trying the salsa. I want to see this.
 
Not sure which I like more, Dorothea humming Voltaire or flirting with the Gatekeeper (or fake-flirting, either one is good).

And now I'm imagining Hubert trying the salsa. I want to see this.
Oh, the flirting is real. Gatekeeper is a sweet guy and easy to love. Also, the Hubert/Lorn Social links are getting more and more crackish with every day that passes, and its gonna be hilarious.
 
Oh, the flirting is real. Gatekeeper is a sweet guy and easy to love. Also, the Hubert/Lorn Social links are getting more and more crackish with every day that passes, and its gonna be hilarious.
how crack cloud cookoo lander crack, pyroland crack or I am saving Edelgards child from the future by surfing down a waterfall using a chainsaw bayonet equipped rocket launcher on a conjured vampire horse of crack.

I mean on a more story based note I like how even NPC's get interactions with playable characters, so this is cool. can't wait to see what A ranks are
 
how crack cloud cookoo lander crack, pyroland crack or I am saving Edelgards child from the future by surfing down a waterfall using a chainsaw bayonet equipped rocket launcher on a conjured vampire horse of crack
Somewhere between a Spy VS Spy comedy bit, and Jim VS Dwight from the Office.
This fic is always wholesome. Are you trying to do that?
Yes. Lorn desires the Wholesome found family ending. And that the agarthians die a slow torturous death. But mainly he wants the three factions to get their shit together and chill the fuck out. Escalation is not the way he plans to make that happen.
 
I'm always interested in Fire Emblem fanfics, because I can't play the games for shit. It's a real great way to get to know these characters, and I can't wait to see what happens when Byleth finally comes in for a snack from this mysterious cook who has been affecting her students/friends so...
 
Aaaaand Watched. I love that he's bringing more "modern" songs/stories/food/philosophy into the FE world.
 
Shamir (D-rank)
*eyes the 39 days old box*
Ah, Shit. I have been dead for a month.
Heres the update.


There were a variety of ranks for knights in the Order of Seiros, from squires and scouts up to the ranks of calvary and mages. But, it was known that Rhea's personal guards, her Knight Commanders, were the best of the best. Catherine, the Thunderbrand, was the leader of her infantry and swordsmen, her blade and the source of her alias marking her skill. Alois had taken over the calvary in the decades since the Blade Breaker had vanished, while Gilbert was in charge of the heavy armor.

Among the Order, however, Shamir was nearly unique.

She wasn't, after all, a trained knight who had attended the monastery.

She had gotten her skills out in the world, working and fighting as a mercenary. She fought outside the classical rules and strictures of the Knights, but her skills put her in the same league as the Commanders. She, however, did not hold an actual rank. Instead, she was under Rhea's direct command most of the time, taking 'quiet' missions to track down and manage church interests.

Because of this, when the commanders and Rhea ventured forth, she was left to watch the antics of the knights and guardsmen left behind, unneeded for the classes and lessons.

The early evening had brought with it a handcart of kegs from the direction of the market, and a half dozen guardsmen venturing to the kitchen. The new cook there apparently ruled with passion, sending out half a dozen platters of spicy food that people could pick and eat without worrying about grace or decorum.

As guards and the faculty gathered, drinks were poured and food passed among the tables that had been dragged to the pavilion near the pond.

Shamir settled in on the stone crenelations near the kitchen, letting the scent of spiced food and good mead drift by her. She nursed her own tankard with measured grace, eyes drifting over the festivities below. She quirked an eyebrow at the fact that the usual games had already started appearing—a hay bale with a wooden board and target painted on it was being dragged into place against the edge of the water, a collection of mismatched throwing axes piled by it.

As the sun began to sink low, the cook himself joined the festivities, a glass bottle of a golden-colored spirit in his loose grip. Against the fairly consistent greens and browns of the knights and their armor and uniforms, the young newcomer stood out. His dark hair was tied back with blue cloth and his black work shirt was hanging loose, a deep muted purple shirt showing through. Shamir took her time dissecting his outfit from the black pants that seemed taken from the academy uniform to the well-worn boots. His stance was alert, but not quite in the same way that she saw off knights… it was familiar, in a strange way.
.
As the festivities wore on, she quirked a lip as a pair of knights began to needle the cook, gesturing to the target.

She leaned forward as he threw up his hands, walking over to the cleared area before the target and taking a pair of axes from a knight.

A moment passed, the cook shifting and swinging the axes loosely, before cocking his arm back and shifting his stance, lining up on the hay bale.

'Huh. Not the worst throwing stance… but it's not for axes… Hmmm.'

A thud echoed out, the ax embedding into the wooden target with a solid cut. A moment later, the second followed. Both axes were off-center, missing the bullseye by a few feet, but they were solid hits. The cheers of the knights and guards with the cook were clear even from her perch, but she quirked an eye. A memory came to her, of her partner, laughing as she learned to throw knives.

"Don't you know these aren't axes?"

"Oh, I know, I just like seeing you laugh at me."


The memory faded away, and she sighed at the familiar ache. She couldn't bring her back... But… Shoving off, she smirked as she headed to the armory.

'Let's see what you can do with your preferred weapon.'

Who knows. I might even get a laugh out of it.


Lorn smirked into his mug, looking over the top at the clearly tipsy Garren, who was scowling slightly.

"How are you not swaying, Looorrnnnn," the gatekeeper was flushed, and shook his head. "I'm barely keeping up!"

"I've worked in and out of taverns and bars since I could drink. This? This is the easy part." To make his point, Lorn gave a toast, before he raised the tankard up and drank it with slow easy gulps, head twisted to the side so he could clearly see the incandescent blush hit Garren's face at the sight. With a sigh, Lorn set the now empty tankard on the bench. "See? Easy."

Dorne and Jules, the two other guards who sat next to them, chuckled, while from behind them, Cassandra, one of the knights, let loose a low whistle. "That? That was sexy. How the fuck do you do that thing with your throat?"

Lorn laughed and winked. "If you grab me another tankard, I'll teach you."

A thud and the five looked to see a leather bundle at Lorns side. As the cook's eyes traced up from the leather pack, he blinked and felt his throat get quite a bit dryer. Dark leather, deep forest green cloth, knives, and arrows. Oh, and the curves.

Holy shit the curves.

Lorn would admit he had a few types of people he was attracted to. The woman leaning over him, stonefaced but with the slightest smirk, was a big one. And judging by the glint of humor in her amethyst eyes, she absolutely knew it.

"I saw you throw axes earlier. Can you throw knives?"

Swallowing slowly, Lorn let a smirk grow across his lips. "Better than axes."

She tapped the bundle. "Prove it."

Well. How could he refuse?

The crowd shouted as the thuds of knives rang out across the pavilion. Garren was shouting and grinning with his coworkers, seeing Lorn throw knives one-handed with confidence, while the other hand wrapped around his tankard held to his lips, adam's apple bobbing as he drained his third round of mead since he had started this little show. The last knife thudded home, clustered with the rest around the second ring of the target. Not amazing for a trained knight, but for the half-drunk cook? That was damned impressive.

The fact that Shamir, the Distant Archer herself, had asked to see his skill? It was very cool. As the crowd cheered, Shamir nodded and said something, before glancing over Lorn's shoulder at Garren. A shove sent the cook stumbling even as he laughed, right into Garren's arms.

As the two of them staggered off, the crowd turned towards the targets as two more knights stepped up with axes.

"Where did you learn to throw knives?"

"I'm a cook? I hold a knife more than most knights hold their axes." Lorn smiled, and Garren felt his cheeks blush hotter.

"Makes sense." As they both headed back to their seats, Garren glanced down at the leather bundle in Lorns hand. "The knives?"

"Hmmm, said she wants more people to use em. Most of you knights and guards prefer bigger weapons. Or bows." blinking, Lorn shook his head, the knot of his hair loosening and long locks hanging down past his eyes.

'Ah shit, why is he so cute?'

Instead of blushing any harder, Garren looked away and drank his ale.

"Hey, Garren?"

"Hmmm?"

"Thanks for inviting me."


Shamir leaned against the wall, having snuck away from the party. She reached down and slid a knife from her boot, and smiled softly at the names etched along the blade.

"I miss you…"
 
Anna (D-Rank)
has it really been a year? God. Fuck 2020.

Also: GATEKEEPER SUPREMEMENCY

Enjoy!

Waking up the morning after the party, Lorn found himself with his arms around a stocky muscular form, and his face half buried in short red hair. Jerking slightly in surprise, he realized that the two of them were half dressed, wearing only pants and, in Lorn's case, a single boot. However much they hit it off last night, it looks like they barely went farther then second base. With a chuckle, he leaned down and decided to wake the guard slowly and gently, and pressed his lips to the redhead's neck.

Half an hour later, they both got up, flushed and smiling. Shortly, a hungover Garren was heading for the barracks and a change of clothes, while Lorn pulled on a simple hemp tunic and headed for the baths. However, that didn't mean that Garren left for the gate without a deep blush and a fresh bruise in the shape of Lorn's lips pressed to the hollow of his throat. While they hadn't gone too far the night before, they had both fallen asleep after some intimate cuddling and kissing.

For the rest of the morning, Lorn was hard pressed to keep a smile from crawling across his face, even as he bathed and cleaned up. An hour later, he slid on a pair of his black slacks and a deep blue shirt, this one matching his eyes, before sliding his leather jacket over the loose cotton. Dressed and ready for the day, and looking up as the sun slowly approached noon, the cook considered his options, before remembering his new throwing knives, as well as his roll of cooking knives.

Well. He could do with something slow and careful to keep him from bouncing off the walls.

Snagging both rolls of knives from his bunk, it was a moment's work to dig out a small satchel with the squared off flat whetstones and a small jar of oil. A stop for a bucket of water, and he made his way to the armory.

An hour later, Lorn held up his favorite knife with a grin, taking in his reflection in the metal.

'11" hand forged blade, tanto tip, rounded spine for comfort, stained and lacquered olive wood handle with integral bolster and tang, and,' with a slow motion he set the edge against his forearm and pulled up slowly and smoothly. ' Sharp enough to give a cleaner shave than any man but Sweeny's razors.'

With a smile, he wiped it clean once more, and gave it a gentle rub with mineral oil. Thankfully, he knew a guy back in Deidru who knew how to make the stuff he needed, distilling and filtering linseed oil until it was food-safe. Sadly, he expected he would need to send a letter asking for more with a later caravan, particularly if he was going to be up at the monastery for most of the year. As he slid silk back around his knives, and set them back into the roll, he glanced over the ten throwing knives from Shamir. Each was forged into shape, sporting the slight waves and shifts that showed hammer blows, before the edges were ground and sharpened. They were good quality, even just looking at them could see the steel was strong and well hardened, even if not a masterwork like his cooking knives; there was also a simple leather harness with room for three blades, designed to sit around a wrist or ankle. A moment of consideration found it being tightened around his left thigh.

Wrapping up his gear, he heard the distant sound of horns.

The students were returning.

Sliding the satchels into his bag, he breathed deeply.

'The students are back, but today should be slow after that. However, the kitchen will be busy tonight… which means it's a time to get that last bit of business out of the way.'

Checking the sun, he figured he had three hours before his next shift, so he headed towards the market. The knights and students would be returning past it, and he would be able to get a good look at them going past.

Besides, he was still somewhat hungover and to get past that, he needed coffee.

Time to see if Anna had his order in yet.



Lorn leaned across the stall, looking over the various powders and bundled herbs that he had requested. Among them was the thing he was most excited for: a waxed sack filled with roasted coffee beans, the dark color and the heady flavors exactly what he wanted.

"Very nice. You found everything I was looking for?"

"Just about." The bright red haired mechant leaned over the stall with a sly grin, watching Lorn as he ran his fingers over vials, checking labels and taking swift scents of some of them. "The only thing I couldn't get my hands on is those Brigidan chili-peppers you wanted. I only could find them pickled, not fresh."

She set the sealed jar on the counter and Lorn looked at it with a grin, holding it up to the light to see the bright red chilis. "This'll work just fine for a chimichurri, thank you."

"What language is that?" Anna glanced at the cook with a raised eyebrow. This wasn't the first time the mysterious man had spoken words that sounded like no language she knew, and she knew plenty of languages.

"Oh, you know." he mused, setting the spices back down and organizing them with joy. "Places like to name things. Chimichurri is…. A spicy, herby, oil. Good on red meat like steaks."

'Hmm… still, that's a word i've never heard of. Definitely from off the continent.'

"You'll have to bring me a sample!" Anna gave a bright smile, leaning forwards and squeezing her arms just so.

Lorn only gave a passing glance at her assets before glancing up to meet her eyes with a smile. "Of course."

And like that, they started talking about price. Anna brought up the distance and variety of where the spices came from, only for Lorn to congratulate her on her impressive infrastructure and talk about how nice having them at hand was. Flattery and bartering all in one, but not aggressive haggling like some buyers tended to. Instead, the blue-eyed cook asked about the value of her time and effort. It was an interesting tactic, and she soon found herself coming to a price between what she first offered and the compromise she had expected, a win for her, but not one that felt forced so much as agreed.

By the time Lorn left, heading up towards the monastery kitchens, she was quite a bit of coin richer.

As she reorganized her wares, eyes looking out at the rest of the crowd, she felt a sliver of interest, that insidious curiosity that cursed her line.

'An interesting customer.'
 
and now I am hungry....HUNGRY FOR MORE.

seriously i tried out the recipe and it was great i honestly cant wait for more to come.

I am so glad to see a new chapter for this again.
 
I am so incredibly happy to see an update to this as it does give me some mild Great British Baking Show vibes which is always nice.
 
I don't know why modern day people singing songs to medieval characters always makes me so happy, but it does.
 
hello affiction.
also, i must say, i prefer "oh lord (wake the dead)" and "brains!" over "DDDDEE song"


and, lamentably, considering how the cursable milf lizard seems so paranoid at the big bads, and seemingly, new shit she cannot easily connect to sothis.... i just hope our boi doesnt get unjustly scrutinized
 
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I'm sorry to say but I had completely forgotten about this story but as you said, 2020 we WON'T look back fondly on that year...
 
the MC in my mind, is Mason from FMAB. If only I had access to photoshop.

Watched btw, looking foreword to more. Very happy the focus isn't on the cooking/cooking skills of the MC. Seen enough media with that.
 
Yes! Ah, this is always a pleasure to read. A slower-paced look at life in Fodlan, the little details like where to get ingredients and what people discuss over dinner. And of course, our lovely Gatekeeper, whose superiority is recognized by everyone.
 
Ashen Demon (F-Rank)
The day had been long, but not too difficult. With the returning students coming in late, Sofia and Vera had plenty of time to prep meals, with the nightly special being a hearty bean and pork stew. Lorn had arrived only to be put to work baking off loaves of fresh bread and rolls, as well as throwing together salads and helping serve.

But the real joy of the kitchen that night was talking the shit with the two older ladies. He found the pair an absolute riot, the elder cooks an absolute goldmine of gossip and sass, with no filter whatsoever. He learned more about the various members of the staff in three hours of talking with the ladies than he had in the last week of working there.

And they also teased him mercilessly about 'Defiling the young Gatekeeper' and how 'Poor Garren couldn't hold back a blush to save his life.'

The fact that the two ladies were almost certainly an item had only made their jokes all the more raunchy.

However after dinner came and the kitchen was cleared and cleaned, the ladies bid him goodnight, heading to bed.

So here he was, enjoying the quiet of a morning so early it could still be called yesterday, smoking a cigarette on the balcony.

'This place is gonna become my idle animation or something, I swear to the saints.'

Of course, his peace didn't last.

Honestly, it was the click of a heel on stone that caught his attention.

He glanced back, looking at the door into the mess hall, only to nearly swallow his cigarette.

Byleth stared at him with crossed arms from where she leaned against the doorway.

'Jesus fuck how long has she been here?' As he tried to let his heart beat slow, Lorn glanced about to see that the area was quiet, the night undisturbed by any other shadow in the darkness.

Breathing in, he pulled his cigarette from his lips and focused on the serious expression of Byleth Eisner, the host of the Crest of Wrath, as he let the smoke out.

"Greetings ma'am. Can I help you?" 'Fuck. Fuck Fuck fuc- Be polite and professional!'

He couldn't help but let his eyes rove over the character come to life. While he had played runs as both a guy and girl version of Byleth, he still couldn't get over how absolutely gorgeous she was in real life. The intricate details of her stockings, the curves of her hips and the sway of her outfit… If Shamir was one of his types, then Byleth was another.

They could both step on him and he would likely enjoy it.

"I have some questions for you." Byleth shifted, her arms tensing as her eyes stayed focused on the cook, but from the quirk of her brow, she clearly caught him checking her out.

'Fuck. Think of something that won't give a fear boner.'

"I'll… answer what I can, I suppose." Drawing in another puff of smoke, Lorn let the acrid taste and the familiar rush of nicotine center himself. He had weighed his options before this, had considered what he could say without making himself a target on the entire week-long trip up to the monastery before he got the job.

And all of those words just vanished right now.

"Hmm…" Byleth gave a hum as she stepped away from the door, out into the center of the balcony. "What are you doing here?"

Lorn gave a blink, then a second. It took a long moment of thought as he considered his words. "Cooking. Smoking… helping out the students when I can." He glanced at the protagonist of this story and hoped to god that he wasn't about to fuck this up. "Trying to avoid some slithering things."

The way that Byleth's shoulders tensed up, the way her expression went blank.

Those were not exactly… comforting signals.

"What do you know about the Agarthans?" her voice was soft and dangerous, her eyes cold.

This wasn't Byleth. This was the Ashen Demon. A stone cold mercenary who would grow to be one of the strongest warriors and teachers in all of the goddamn realm.

And Lorn was trying very hard not to shit his pants.

"I know… enough to not trust them." Lorn began, keeping his voice as even as possible. "That they think humanity is… a pest at best. That they want everything on Fodlan to fall."

The movement was so fast that Lorn barely had a chance to register before his collar was in Byleth's grasp, the dagger that she always had on her hip now pointed to his throat.

"Who are you."

A slow swallow, to try and keep his throat from closing up. Lorn spoke softly, hands up and wide, cigarette long forgotten on the ground by his boot. "Lorn. A traveler. I'm not from this place or time. And I can't do what you do."

Byleth loosened her grip, slightly.

Lorn kept talking.

"I know what might happen. But nothing is set in stone. The story of what you're doing doesn't have me. I'm trying, very hard, to help where I can."

The grip loosened and the dagger lowered. "As a cook?"

Lorn couldn't help but roll his eyes. "I'm not a fighter. Wouldn't be even if I had the time to learn." He glanced around, eyes roving the darkness in his paranoia, trying to ignore the heat of the woman holding his collar. "I know food, and have some small ideas to help people. But I can't stop the bigger events. They're already in motion."

Byleth let the knife hang at her side, and her grip on his collar finally loosened. "What can you do? What difference can you make when nothing I've done for… so many times has changed anything? The war cannot be stopped." her emotionless facade broke, just for a second, showing the sheer depths of her agony.

Lorn hesitated, a heartbeat of thought and consideration barely enough to let him not stutter over his words.

"Could… Could it be changed."

Byleth's gaze was renewed on his, cold green eyes now burning like embers in the night.

"Three leaders training side by side, another trying to keep control of her mother's world, and a fifth side in the night." Lorn wasn't even sure if he was making sense, but he had to voice it. "Get the three working together, band them together and point them at the Agarthans. They're the ones who caused the most grief. Edelgard's siblings, Dimitri's parents, Duscar. Get them talking without lies and things could come to light."

"And Claude?"

Lorn couldn't help his grin. "Curiosity and sheer brass means he won't stay out. Get him pointed at the Agarthans and get him to talk with the other two and he'll be drawn in."

Byleth stared into Lorn's eyes for a long moment, leaving the cook to run over everything he had said, anxiety and panic slowly creeping around the edges of his thoughts as he tried to keep focused and calm.

"Maybe." she whispered. "Just maybe it wouldn't fall apart. Then what?"

Lorn couldn't stop the shrug this time. "Life. Things play out, life goes on. You just have to get there first."

Byleth finally let go of his collar.

"I need to think about this. I'll be in touch." As she turned and strode away, Lorn couldn't help but slide to sit at the base of the railing, eyes wide, watching Byleth as she strode down the stairs and out of sight.

A deep sigh left his lungs as he looked up at the stars.

"She's fucking terrifying."

And yet, even as he gathered his wits and dusted himself off, he couldn't help but consider her walking away. The way his throat was dry was definitely not just fear.

Shaking his head he slapped his face and sighed.

"Right, back to work."

As he stepped back into the kitchen, he couldn't help the way his thoughts lingered.

'How much did I just change?'
 
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