Despair is Killer: Part 6
Apologies were hard.
I disliked apologizing to people, mainly because they never really fixed anything unless the person was extremely nice and was one of those bleeding hearts type of people. You know, the type of guy that believes in the good of everyone and that sort of stuff? Yeah, fuck that guy. Or gal. Doesn't necessarily have to be either gender I suppose, but still, fuck that person. They made apologies awkward by being so darn nice, I'd prefer the standard acceptance and then maybe some prank to get me back or the "I forgive you, but will never forget" thing. I say all of this because I cannot figure out what type of guy Shirou Emiya is oddly enough.
Seeing as he slugged me after I told him what had happened yesterday, I suppose I must've crossed one of his personal "lines" though.
I stared into his anger filled eyes with a hint of apathy as he gripped me by my suits' collar, hoisting me up slightly. I was surprised a little that he was strong enough to do that, I was taller than him after all. Taller than practically any Japanese person that I've seen so far anyways, but I guess that doesn't mean much to someone who's decently athletic. Anyway, I should be dealing with the fallout from me telling him that I had killed his older... sister-in-law? I think that's what Illya classifies as anyways, if not, well he can't here my thoughts so who cares?
"Are you done yet?" I say as calmly as possible, staring back with a gaze I hoped was neutral.
"...There had to have been another way...something else you could have done!" Shirou yelled, showing no sign of the fact that he was tortured only a day ago. I silenced the thought in the back of my mind telling me that he should be grateful that I didn't simply let him get the Bad-End that he had earned himself.
"I suppose there might have been, but things happened to play out in a different way. You can't possibly hope for the best possible outcome in every situation, that's rather childish don't you think? I did what I had to do to make sure that I lived, or would you have rather had me die and let her continue to do more of whatever she had already done behind my back?" I replied coolly.
Rin and Saber stared at us from the table, I could tell that they both wanted to do something about this, but for some reason or another didn't. I wished I could read minds to see what exactly they thought about this entire mess, I think they'd both give me the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Or at least not be so touchy. Well, actually... Rin doesn't know how dangerous Illya really was do they? I told them all that she had indeed tried to kill me, and both Saber and even Shirou know to some extent about Berserker and how strong he was, but because of how it happened Rin doesn't. It's an odd thought... oh I was being spoken to again? I guess that maybe I should pay attention then.
"...just leave, I don't want a murderer in my home." Shirou's voice was quite cold as he let me go and seemed to sag a bit.
"That's fine, if my presence truly bothers you that much I suppose it's only fair I leave." I say after a moment, fixing my suit collar as I stare at him. He's a bit shorter than me, so I have to look down to see his eyes, but I can see the anger in them. He wanted to be mad, be angry at for me for taking the easy route out, I think. I wasn't sure really, I wasn't good with people. "For what it is worth, if I had thought that I could've done things differently I would've, death isn't something I like to deal in."
I quickly walked out after that, I had things to do... it would be poor of me to simply beg to stay there.
I was now officially homeless after all.
Walking around the rather unfamiliar neighborhood, I decided that I was going to take a break before I did anything else, things weren't playing out like they should have, not at all. My plans were in shambles, I had completely messed up my chances at having some sort of reasonable trust between me and Shirou's group, and I was sure that at this moment there were people plotting against me because I hadn't been nearly as sneaky as I thought I'd been. Whether they decided I was a threat or not simply made the fear of them coming after me more real, because if they didn't they'd be sure to keep eyes on me to at least be aware of what I was doing.
I was really a fuck up, it was human to make mistakes, but this was just a clusterfuck of mistakes. I ran a hand through my hair, I idly noted the people I walked by were looking at me oddly, guess being a bit of a foreigner makes me standout. I let out a sigh as one thought just kept going through my head; what's next? What the hell can I do to salvage the situation?
The idea to do simply nothing was there, things would resolve themselves eventually, but I could no longer guarantee that anything would go how it was supposed to. For all I know, the gold haired bastard could be moving already and planning to make things more interesting for himself, Caster and Kuzuki could be up to something too and that just made me all sorts of paranoid. Caster, from what I could remember, was pretty damn smart and was generally only defeated after a lot of crap set her up to die.
No, stop, you're thinking about intervening again.
Look at how well that served when dealing with Illya.
And now I feel like shit again, go me. I felt so tired of it all, but I knew that if I didn't do something, things would more than likely turn out worse than what they normally would because of me. It was my fault, so I should deal with this mess. I had the power to do after all... power that I was learning I could barely handle. Whether it was because the energy drain was less, or simply because I'd been lucky, Assassin had been enough to keep me alive for the most part. I'm sure if I'd tried to fight Berserker head-on I would've died.
That was another thing I needed to remember, I could indeed die.
I'd come pretty damn close to death multiple times in these past few days, all because I'd had the bad fortune to run into Illya and then tried some half-assed scheme that would get me in close with her. It just threw in my face that I wasn't all knowing, even if I did have some knowledge that would certainly help me. If she had jumped me sooner I'm sure I'd either be dead or being used for my powers or something like that, the idea that Illya had been a very smart teen in a little girls body was something I'd been unable to reconcile then, even now I felt it hard to connect the ruthlessness that she did have to her.
My own biases were something that were hard to keep in check. However, I did indeed have a plan, something that could work out favorably for me or otherwise work out horribly. It was probably close to 50/50 even split, but I'm sure that it wasn't even close to that, I was allowing myself to be a bit more optimistic about these things. Before I do any of this though, I'm taking a break... at least for the rest of today.
My body groaned in pain every-time I stretched a bit too much and my muscles ached as if I had run 3 miles yesterday, the pinnacle of fitness I was not. I was sure that I wasn't going to be getting better any time soon, I had overworked myself and it was a miracle I could even walk as well I could currently, putting up an image of being undaunted is tiresome work... but is it really an image?
It certainly doesn't feel like it at times, Taiki is me as much as I'm me, if not more so. That apathy I feel sometimes is real, but my ability to project that towards other people isn't something I've been good at, neither is me being remarkably active a normal thing. It's strange what a bit of power can do to someone. If you had asked me would I try to get involved in some bizarre magical tournament to the death a day before I was sent here, I'd have said no, and wow isn't that thought cliche. Anyways, I needed time to think, to plot a part of myself whispered, but first I should really find a restroom. My bladder feels like it trying to punch my intestines.
I have to wonder if public restrooms are still a thing.
