I leaned my avatar against the railing overlooking one of Odin's parks, it was mostly trees and grassland, lit by a holographic sun in the fake blue sky.
I could see his drones floating and walking around in the park below, tending to the plants and the environment. It was early 'morning' but there were still plenty of people out and about.
A couple of dozen were holding what looked like a martial arts class a couple of hundred meters away in a clearing.
The door behind me opened and Sophia walked out. By now I easily recognized her lifesigns, I had been following her halfway through her lift ride up here.
She walked up and leaned against the railing next to my avatar and I looked at her, "Nice dress," I commented.
"Thanks," Sophia said and glanced down at herself, "I have a breakfast date later."
"Cool", I said and then sighed softly, looking out over the vegetation, "I'll try not to keep you."
She frowned slightly, "Starfarer, what's wrong?"
I sighed softly and shook my head, "I fucked up."
Sophia turned to look at me, looking concerned, "What happened?"
"You know I was in a sim yesterday, right?"
"Yeah. How did it go?"
"Mostly it went fine," I admitted, "I think I might be working okay with Captain Simmons. Not everything went great of course. We… well, we lost a couple of ships. We couldn't save anyone, not even their QC."
Sophia nodded and leaned against the railing as she watched me, "That's expected, isn't it?"
"It is," I confirmed and frowned down at my hands, "It's just… I don't like the way I reacted to it."
"What happened?"
"I didn't do anything," I admitted, "I did like the Captain said and left them alone when we couldn't save them safely. But I didn't want to, I couldn't… I hated it. And that was knowing it was a sim and it wasn't real. If it was real, I don't know what I would have done."
Sophia nodded, "Starfarer, that's a very understandable reaction. But that's why you drill, right?"
"Yes, but…" I admitted and shifted a bit uncomfortably, "It's not that I didn't know it wasn't the right thing to do, it just felt… I don't know if I can handle these kinds of things anymore."
"Have you talked to Odin about this yet? Any of the other ships?"
I shook my head, "I thought I better bring it up with my emotional support human first," I said, forcing a small smile.
Sophia smiled back and touched my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, "Starfarer, what do you think would be the right thing to do?"
"I don't know," I admitted and sighed, "I… I want to…" I started and then frowned and shook my head, "I don't want anyone else to go through what I did, I want to help. But… as I am right now, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can do it without getting my… my crew hurt. If I make the wrong choice, if I… if I fuck up because what happened to me cause me to act like an idiot in a real emergancy...it could get everybody killed."
She regarded me for a long moment, leaning against the railing, "You don't have confidence that you'll make the right choice," she finally said.
"...Yeah," I admitted.
"So what do you want to do about it?"
I looked down at the hands of my avatar, "...I kind of want to fly out and float around in a planetary ring somewhere, somewhere nice and quiet. Somewhere I can't fuck up and make things worse."
Sophia sighed softly, "Starfarer."
"I know, I know," I said and shook my head, "Seriously though, even if I manage to keep it together, who would possibly want to fly with a ship that's constantly on the verge of falling apart!"
"So what do you want to do?"
"I don't know! Isn't that why you're here!?"
Sophia smiled gently, "You know that's not it."
"...I know," I admitted and sighed, turning and and sinking down to sit with my back against the railing, my arms around my legs, "I'm sorry."
She sank down to sit next to me, "That's what I'm here for," she said, "You're allowed to yell at me, you know."
"It doesn't help," I said and shook my head, "But that just shows that I'm not suited for a ship. If I can't keep a conversation with one bio, one I know is only trying to help me without losing my temper, I have nothing to do being a Ship."
"But it's still what you want to do," Sophia said as she watched me, "What you want to be?"
"...Yes…" I said quietly, "I want to help. I want to be useful, I want to fly. I want to fly again."
"Can't you fly like you are now? You still have a ship body."
"Barely. It's not the same," I sighed softly and shook my head, "I want to…." I started before I looked at her, "How stupid is that? I want a crew again but I'm too in pieces to be able to handle one so I'm not going to have one."
"It's not stupid, Starfarer," she answered and put her hand on my arm, "and it's not your fault."
"It feels like it is," I said and smiled slightly at her, "You're going to be late."
Sophia shook her head, "Forget that, you need me right now."
I thought it over for about half a second before I shook my head, "No, go," I told her, "I have some more thinking to do and… I have some people I need to talk to."
"Star, you know why I'm here."
"I know, I know," I said and gave her hand a small squeeze, "But I'm… not good, but I need to think. You being late just to sit here looking at my avatar doesn't help anyone."
"It helps you," she said seriously and squeezed my hand back, "and It's not only literally my job. I do care about you. You need me right now so I'm not going anywhere."
...Thank you…