Falling in love is, in your professional opinion, a fate truly worse than death, and not something you would wish upon even your worst enemy. To go from minding your own business, to suddenly realizing that half of your self-worth is suddenly now hinged upon a near-stranger's mercurial opinion of you, and on your ability to make them happy? To be desperate to have this person in your life, for as long as you can stay at their side? It is simply wanton cruelty, the unique sadism of a metaphorical cupid's arrow, and you alternate between intensities of emotion from how deep it has struck you down.
Ironic that after yearning so long for romance, now that it has found you it feels like
this. It is overwhelming, frightfully so, and sometimes you wish you hadn't fallen to begin with. But you refuse to regret it, when you think of the one for whom you've fallen.
Your name is Sarah Tryvaine, and you are deeply in love. Heaven help you now.
~~~ /|\^;-;^/|\ ~~~
Six Months Ago
The school library was, as libraries ideally tend to be, rather quiet, though it probably helped that it was currently inhabited by only half a dozen students. You have no idea how it is for the daytime students, but for the small Nocturnal class, it was habitual to take advantage of your free run of the school to spread out as much as possible during study hour. So it was that you and your friend Shiri were nearly alone, yet still forced to rely on passing notes for conversation; in the pin-drop silence, even the softest of whispers would have carried.
But right now, you really wished she was just talking, so you could smile and nod and tune her out, instead of being obligated to come up with a response when she pushed your shared conversation paper and pen back across the table to you. Which she had just done again, so with a mental sigh, you dutifully set your book aside to read over her message.
I think I'm going to do it at lunch, right before midnight makes it no longer Valentine's Day, is my point. I have the chocolates, I know what to say… I'm just nervous.
Picking up the pen, you twirl it absentmindedly between your fingers to buy time. This is your best friend, your closest (and arguably only) companion of the past three and a half years, and you wanted to support her, even with the weird churning in your gut.
Look, it's Kenzie. Of all the girls I've broken up with, she was the coolest about it, and she and I are still on good terms. So even in a worst-case scenario, she'd let you down easy. But more importantly, I really doubt she'd actually turn you down without being willing to give it a shot. You got this, girl. Click the pen, push back across the table.
It occurred to you that despite her personal open-mindedness, MacKenzie's very Catholic family may not take so kindly to the religious difference of their daughter's potential date, but you kept that thought to yourself. Shiri was already stressed enough as it was, and the last thing you wanted was to add to that. Pushing that new doubt down alongside your other misgivings, you shot her what you hoped was a reassuring grin, before turning back to your book.
Thankfully, instead of responding again right away, she played with the pen nervously for a while, granting you space to read uninterrupted. As she fidgeted, the silence was filled with the sound of the pen mechanism clicking in and out repeatedly, joined by the assorted wooden clacks and ticks of her doll joints, but at least you could focus on your book…
It wasn't that you were unhappy about this, exactly; Kenzie really was a nice girl, and after three years of watching your own romantic mishaps from the sidelines, your friend more than deserved the chance to take center stage herself. You knew for certain it wasn't envy at play, either; while you broke things off with Kenzie on good terms, there had been very good reasons for that breakup to begin with. And even despite your shared interest in girls, you and Shiri had known from the start that you wouldn't be compatible as anything beyond platonic, especially with her lack of blood to drink from. (Case in point, more fidgety clacking, more clockwork chinks continued meeting your ears.) It was just silly for you to feel so put-out about this.
But you were still put out, and that fact in itself bothered you. The hundreds of pink-and-red hearts decorating the halls hadn't gotten under your skin tonight, and the frankly rather sad, flaccid banner announcing the day of love certainly hadn't made you reconsider your recent resolution to stop dating. You weren't the type to bemoan "Single's Awareness Day" like some of your classmates, either. But somehow, the mere fact of your friend admitting she had her eyes on someone was the metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back. (A friend whose mechanisms were continuing to clatter quietly in the background.) You weren't upset at or jealous of either of them specifically, but something about this announcement had you upset anyway, and it bothered you that you couldn't pin down why.
By the time you realized your eyes had skimmed over the same paragraph for a fifth time without absorbing any of it, a discordant music box chime tinkled from somewhere deep in Shiri's frame and shattered what remaining semblance of concentration you might have had. Sighing audibly this time, you raised your eyes to level her with a pointed
as your friend, please knock this off stare, only to be immediately drawn off course by a flash of vivid red hair.
The newcomer to the scene drifted past steady and silent, making her way to her usual spot in the library's most remote corner. Usually she's set up before you even arrive, but the teacher had held her behind at the end of the last class, so her late arrival can't help but catch your interest. She was as inscrutable as always, though, posture upright yet casual and expression perfectly neutral, giving away no indication of what was discussed, or much of anything else, for that matter. Not that that has ever stopped your curiosity in the slightest.
In the unlit corner was an excessively cozy pleather chair set facing a tall window, diagonally joining the south and east walls together, and providing a fairly comprehensive overlook of this part of the darkened grassy lawn outside. (Or so you imagined, anyway; since she usually monopolized that spot, you had never gotten a chance to look out that way yourself, and today you were too distracted by Shiri's new venture to take advantage of the opening.) After pulling out some notebooks and a textbook from her backpack, the redhead settled back into the seat, posture sinking down until only the very top of her head remained visible over the backrest, and swung a miniature folding desk up and across her lap to start working. Or perhaps to take a nap; you were never quite sure. She had night vision to compensate for the lack of lighting in that half of the room, but that chair always did look really comfy…
Another off-key musical note made you jump, and you turned back to see a sheepish grin from Shiri as she pushed the paper back your way.
If you keep staring like that, people might get the wrong idea. Or would it be the right idea, actually?
You frowned down at the paper, brows furrowing.
What are you talking about? There are no ideas to get.
In contrast to her anxious demeanor less than a minute ago, the golem had become all coy smirks and mischief, clicking the pen in a theatrical manner that suggested you wouldn't welcome what she wrote next. Still, when she slid the paper back across to you, you were simply greeted with another question.
Don't you think you watch Rachel an awful lot?
You were already in no mood for mind games as it was, and you couldn't keep a defensive tone from creeping into your next response.
No I don't. Besides, isn't it normal to be curious? You and I aren't exactly social butterflies, but the Nocturnal class is still small enough for us to know everyone else pretty well. Everyone but her.
After reading that, she just leveled you with another aggravatingly knowing grin.
If that's all there is, I'll eat my own cog. After dating your way through every non-straight girl in the night class and a bunch of day girls too, do you really expect me to believe you're just curious?
Abandoning writing altogether, you leaned in close, as much to emphasize your point as to keep your furious hiss as quiet as possible. "Of course not! She's a vampire too; we can't drink from each other, basically the same reason I never dated you. Besides, I don't know her nearly well enough. You're being ridiculous."
"Fine, fine, I'll drop it," she said placatingly, holding her hands up in surrender. "I just think it's cute, the way you look at her."
You grumbled under your breath, but refused to dignify that with a response, just sitting back and hiding your face in your book. What was Shiri thinking? If you somehow managed to hold a conversation with Rachel long enough to ask her out, and she actually said yes for some reason, it would surely just fall apart after a few months like all your other attempts. If dating a cheery extrovert like Kenzie turned out stilted and awkward and missing a spark, there was no way you could go out with a girl who you'd barely heard more than ten words out of in nearly four years of school together. Even if you were interested, even if you weren't both vampires, you had already decided love just wasn't for you.
…You had, right? After all, for all that you had promised yourself you were okay with being single, that you didn't need love to lead a fulfilling life, weren't you just thinking about how weird you felt about Shiri asking Kenzie out? That entire turn of events, if you were being honest with yourself, had thoroughly stripped away your rationalizations and revealed them for the lie they were. You weren't upset with your friend, you were upset with yourself for still wanting the happiness she seemed well on her way to finding.
Unconsciously, your gaze drifted back over to the darkened corner, and you went still. Rachel was leaning over her armrest to look back at you two, undoubtedly having heard some amount of your whispering, and for a brief, heart-stopping moment, her eyes met yours. The impassivity in her expression was all that spared you from an immediate full-face blush, though the following adorably inquisitive head tilt threatened to shatter your composure. Miraculously, you managed to hold on, just long enough for her to shrug and vanish back behind the chair. The moment after that, you dropped the book to the table and buried your now-burning face in your hands.
Later, you would berate Shiri for being right in her meddling, make empty threats of never forgiving her, and generally whine about her undermining your no-dating resolution. For now, though, you were in no state to even consider that, or pay much attention to her triumphant smirk becoming a gentler smile tinged with regret. Her wooden hand patting your shoulder was appreciated, however.
You didn't know how long you had been watching Rachel like this, or when curiosity had turned into a crush, but you knew it must have started long before this moment of realization.
You didn't know whether this was doomed to fail like the rest, or if there was something different and deeper here, but you knew you weren't ready to give up yet after all.
You didn't know what kind of future awaited you now that you had noticed your feelings, or if there was any chance of her reciprocating, but there was one thing you knew for absolute certain, above all else:
"I'm doomed."
~~~ /|\^;-;^/|\ ~~~
Present Day
You open your eyes to jagged rocks racing past the window.
It takes several uncomprehending blinks for you to bring your mind back into the present, after that vivid memory, but eventually you manage to regain your bearings somewhat. "Good evening, kiddo." Mom says from your other side, a single steady hand on the wheel as she reaches over to ruffle your hair. "We're almost there, I think."
You're not sure how she can tell, with how utterly pitch-black it is outside. Normally your night vision would be able to pierce through the gloom without issue, but the shining headlights reflecting off the road ahead ironically makes everything else harder to see. Unfortunately, no amount of special abilities make vampires exempt from following traffic laws. Still, after only a few moments to adjust, you are able to make out a sliver of starry sky overhead, framed on either side by high canyon walls that sandwich the road tightly. You're not claustrophobic, thankfully, but even then the lack of space between the shoulder and the chiseled rock faces makes you a bit nervous at these speeds.
"Nervous?" Mom asks, as if reading your mind, before adding "I was too, but you'll do fine. Shady Pines U is a nice place, I promise."
Sure enough, piled in the backseat is your suitcase, backpack, and a few cardboard boxes' worth of clothes, school supplies, and personal effects. It's college moving day, (night,) and you are on your way to starting your freshman year. Your gut suddenly clenches at the reminder.
"I still wish I could be closer to home," you mumble under your breath.
Clearly not under your breath
enough, though. "Listen," she says, shifting into a serious lecture tone. "You won't find an opportunity like this anywhere else, okay?"
You simply sigh. Having heard variations of this spiel all summer, what comes next is neither new or particularly compelling.
What Comes Next?
> [Masquerade] "This university was founded by Nocturnals, for Nocturnals. It'll make keeping our secrets far easier." (Nocturnals are somehow still the best-kept secret in the world despite being some of the worst secret-keepers. Humans are on a strictly need-to-know basis about your existence, and the vast majority don't need to know, and even your collective blinding lack of subtlety about it has somehow worked out so far.)
> [Masquerade] "This university was one of the first to adapt, and still the best. You won't be accommodated so well at a community college." (Nocturnals are public knowledge, having come out of hiding only a handful of decades ago. You haven't paid much attention to the big-picture politics and social stuff, but you know things are rocky, but slowly getting better. At least here you can enjoy the "better" side of that.)
> [Masquerade] "This university was founded with Nocturnals in mind. The quality of accommodations are a lifesaver." (Nocturnals are public knowledge and have been for a long time. Despite that, some places are still regressive and rigid in refusing to account for you all, so you suppose there's merit in attending a university that won't hold you back. It would be miserable if you were expected to attend day classes or something.)
Simply giving a noncommittal hum in response, you turn on your phone in search of a distraction. The last message you received, a photo of Shiri and Kenzie in bikinis standing on a lakeshore, holding hands and throwing V-signs at the camera, smiles out at you. There is even an obligatory rainbow arching over the sunset to point down at the short ginger Leprechaun girl, though of course you prefer to think it has more to do with her sapphic leanings.
You're glad for them, honestly, especially since your worries about Kenzie's family turned out to be unfounded. But you can't help but feel melancholic, wondering if you'll inevitably drift apart from them now that you're attending different schools. (Or taking a year off, in Shiri's case.) You promised to keep in touch, but that photo was sent a week ago - it feels like she has already begun to slip away.
How To Feel About This?
> [Friendships] Maybe, but maybe that's okay. (You and Shiri got along well enough, but didn't actually have that many interests in common at the end of the day. You're bound to make new friends, especially at a place like this where there are more than a handful of fellow Nocturnals. You can let those two be happy together without feeling the need to intrude all the time. Sentimental value has its place, but you're ready to move forward.)
> [Friendships] No! You refuse to let this be the end. (Even if you and Shiri were mainly friends out of convenience, she was still your friend for four years, and you don't want to just give up on her. You resolve right here and now to keep updating her on your life every morning before bed, regardless of her responsiveness; if things fall through, at least it won't be your fault. In fact, you'll text her as soon as you arrive at the dorms.)
Minimizing your message app, you at first try to access the internet to read more of the trashy webnovel you had been working your way through all summer, only to find you were at the end of the current chapter, and the signal out here is too weak to load the next page at any speed better than glacial. So instead, you resort to mindlessly playing Flappy Bat.
You had forgotten about Mom's arrival time estimate from earlier by now, so it comes as a surprise when after only the eighth stupidly avoidable-yet-unavoidable death, the narrow canyon walls suddenly open up, and you find yourselves driving through residential housing. "Here's Shady Pines proper," Mom says; "I used to come down the hill to hang out at that dance club on the corner up ahead there." She frowns slightly as what is now very clearly a bank comes into view, before shrugging it off. "There are still other options, though."
A few blocks later, she takes a right onto main street, a wide four-lane road that almost immediately shrinks back to two as you reach the northern edge of town and begin zig-zagging up higher still into the mountains. Unlike the narrow canyon from before, this road is only flanked on one side by a steep but relatively short cliff you estimate to be four stories tall at most, while on the other side is a more relaxed slope that simply stretches up and up until suddenly culminating in a mountain peak much much higher overhead.
It's the cliff that's more relevant to you, though, having spotted some windows shining atop them during the brief swing through town. Shady Pines University, you remember from the blurb on their site, is situated atop a wide plateau overlooking the main valley of Shady Pines the town, while being enclosed on two and a half other sides by further, much much taller cliffs. Unspoken is that this makes it a great place for Nocturnal students, with the back edges of the campus set in perpetual shade (surprisingly not the source of the name) aside from high noon at specific times of year. Night classes are still a must, of course, and the placement means missing out on the great overlook view that the daytime student dorms enjoy, but you have to admit it'll be nice not to have to worry about the sun shining in through gaps in your curtains as you sleep. Especially since your dorm building, Women's Noc A, is supposed to be one of the most well-sheltered of them all.
"Do you know who you'll be rooming with?" Mom asks abruptly.
"Not really. The housing application had a section for a weighted preference of dorm room that they take into account when assigning them, so I guess whoever picked the same thing as I did. Assuming I didn't get beaten to it by someone else first and gotta go with the second choice."
"I can point out which one I stayed in, when we get there. What did you pick?"
You suppress another sigh, somehow suspecting you put much less thought into this particular aspect of your college career than she envisioned for you, but try to recall what you'd picked on the application anyway. Women's Noc A must not be an especially large building, given there were only twelve options listed to begin with, and half were already grayed out by the time you got to it.
What Did You Pick?
> [Apartment] 3A (Overlooking the campus, and somehow ever-so-slightly larger than the rest despite the shared floor plans. you have to imagine anyone else favoring this room is a little bit full of herself.)
> [Apartment] 3B (Facing a big treetop. While climbing on the roof is against the rules, you know from Mom's stories not everyone listens. Anyone aiming for this dorm is probably a fan of heights.)
> [Apartment] 2B (Facing a tree trunk, and a whole lot of leaves. You have to assume the balcony is practically unusable without regular trimmings, but maybe some more natural ambiance is the way to go.)
> [Apartment] 2D (Facing a short stretch of field between this and the cliff. It's not an amazing view, but it's probably the best one you can expect from here if you still want less sunlight.)
> [Apartment] 1A (Ground floor, facing the parking space and garages. Not an exciting option by any means, but it does give a nice twenty-second shortcut on the way out to the main campus.)
> [Apartment] 1C (Ground floor, facing almost directly into the cliff. You have no doubt it's the most unpopular option, but if you're not feeling like dealing with a roommate, this may just be the ticket to sweet seclusion.)
