Anyone Can Be a Pilot [Evangelion/Ratatouille]

[Thuktun F]

Maya sometimes fancied herself as being inured to strange sights. After all, her 9-to-5 (though in reality it was a 5-to-9 more often than not) revolved around towering biomechanical monsters that spent most of their time submerged in lakes of blood, and the times they weren't bathing in blood they were murdering extraterrestrial creatures that would have sent Lovecraft into a terror deeper and more profound than his fear of Italian people.

Creations that would have been revered as fearsome and all-powerful gods just a century ago had been robbed of their mysticism, confined into the aggressively boring part of her universe labeled 'work'. That wasn't even getting into the absolute marvel of modernity that was the Geofront or the MAGI, which alone were more fantastic than what 99% of people experienced in their entire lives.

And yet, when she stepped into Dr. Akagi's office and found her mentor's lower half dangling helplessly out of a ventilation duct, she wondered just how inured she actually was.

"Please tell me I heard footsteps," came Dr. Akagi's muffled voice. "On second thought, maybe it's for the best no one sees me like this."

"Sempai?" Maya asked, cautiously.

"Maya? Is that you?"

Maya nodded, then remembered that the scientist couldn't see her, and instead said "Yes, Sempai."

"Oh good, the hallucinations haven't started yet." One of Dr. Akagi's shapely legs folded, pointing at the vent with her foot. "Could you please help me out of this? I got stuck, and then when I tried wriggling out I kicked over the stepladder."

"O-of course, Sempai," Maya said hurriedly.

Setting down her thick stack of papers on the desk, she nearly tripped over herself as she hurried over and situated herself in front of her mentor's legs. Briefly she reached out to grab Dr. Akagi by the hips, only to stop at the last moment. Her hands hovered for a few seconds, then pulled back, then reached out again, before the signals sent by her brain got jumbled and she ended up gesticulating wildly.

"Is something wrong?" Dr. Akagi asked.

Maya was surprised her burning ears hadn't tripped the fire alarm. "Ah... um... I don't know where to grab you. I don't want to, well-"

"Maya," came the gentle admonishment, in that tone that set the younger woman's heart fluttering. "We are professional adult women at the forefront of progress. Leave modesty to the side for the time being, before the dust bunnies up here overload my allergies and I die of hypoxia."

She licked her lips nervously. "Understood, sempai."

With an effort that seemed akin to snapping steel chains, she finally grabbed Dr. Akagi by the hips, and began to pull.

"From behind, so you can catch me if I fall back."

"O-oh."

She circled around, and prayed that no one could see just how beet red her face was as she grabbed her mentor by the hips and leaned back, putting her weight into it. Despite what her sempai had said about modesty, she still found it necessary to close her eyes and look to the side, unwilling to gawk no matter how pleasant the sight might be.

Said modesty meant she didn't realize she'd pulled her free until they both went stumbling back, the desk rocking as it stopped them from falling. Maya let out a little squeak of surprise, one that totally had nothing to do with her realizing that her sempai was as soft as she looked-

"You can let go now, Maya."

She retracted her hands like they'd been touching a hot iron. Coughing, she opened her eyes and scooted to the side, watching cautiously as Dr. Akagi straightened and smoothed out the wrinkles in her -sleeveless- blouse. The older woman's face was almost as flushed as her own, yet maintained a dignity that Maya herself never had.

Dr. Akagi adjusted her glasses and smiled weakly. "Thank you, Maya. You spared me quite an embarrassing few hours."

"What were you even doing up there, sempai?"

"Oh, ah, I was..." The scientist blinked. "The vent was rattling a little, and it was bothering me, so I decided to climb up and see what was the issue."

Maya frowned, and glanced down at something in Dr. Akagi's hand. "What's that?"

The startled look on the older woman's face told Maya enough. "This? Oh, it's just... ah..."

"It looks like a spy camera."

"Yes, it is a spy camera." Dr. Akagi coughed. "Now that Unit-02 has been shipped, espionage risks are ever greater, so I decided to make this office a little... more secure."

Maya gave her a worried look. "Sempai, are you putting cameras in the vents to look for the rats?"

At that word, it seemed, the scientist made a complete 180 from denial to defense.

"Maya, when you consider what we work with, this is where you draw the line?" Her eye twitched. "Think of all the strange and wonderful things an AT-field can do. This could be an unprecedented side effect, or-or something else, or..."

She closed her eyes. "I know you think I'm crazy, but-"

"I believe you," Maya lied.

The relieved smile was warm enough to melt away any reservations about playing along. "Thank you, Maya."

"Of course, Sempai."

"You don't have to call me that, you know. We work together enough; you can call me Ritsuko when it's just the two of us."

Maya beamed. "Yes, S-Ritsuko."

"Better." The scientist sighed, and glanced aside at the papers. "More about Unit-02's transfer?"

"I'm afraid so," Maya said, apologetic. "At least it must be less of a headache than the pilot being transferred."

Ritsuko chuckled wearily. "Misato should be finally introducing Asuka and Shinji at the visitor's entrance right now. Oh, to be a fly on a wall for that."

Or a rat in a vent, Maya thought, grimacing, but she didn't dare voice that.

---

鼠​

---

Shinji leaned against the side of the car uneasily, watching the doors that led into the looming pyramid of NERV HQ with the same expectance of someone waiting for the storm to begin. The secondhand sunlight caught by the Geofront mirrors was still painfully bright, yet his hands stayed rooted in his pockets instead of shielding his eyes. He didn't know why- perhaps he was afraid of showing any sign of weakness before this mysterious Asuka Langley Sohryu.

Misato, on the other hand, had no such compunctions, considering she'd shrugged her jacket off and was breathing through her mouth like a panting dog. She was using a tacky miniature fan with foam blades to keep cool, the pained whirring of the machine matching the buzzing of the cicadas quite nicely, and providing an appropriate ambience to the meeting at hand.

Shinji glanced back through the open car window to see if Remy was alright. The rat lifted the lid of his box and poked his head through, nodding. Shinji returned the nod, then looked back.

And promptly stood straight.

A walking flame had burst through the double doors, one who despite her small frame dominated his field of view as she approached, her stride confident. Her yellow sundress rustled gently in the breeze, and her already vibrant red locks seemed to be set ablaze by the afternoon sunlight. Yet what caught his attention most were her eyes, as blue as the sky and as hard as sapphire.

Said eyes were focused right on him.

Misato stashed her fan away and stood up. "It's good to see you again, Asuka. You've gotten a little taller since I last saw you!"

Asuka didn't even look her way, her piercing blue gaze still aimed right at Shinji as she strode towards him. For a moment Shinji was afraid she was going to smash right into him, but instead she opted to stop far closer than he would've liked, their noses practically touching.

"So this is the Third Child I've been hearing about," she said.

"Um, hi," he said, resisting the urge to break eye contact. "I'm Shinji."

She tilted her head up slightly, still locking her gaze with his. Then she circled around, and Shinji dismissed the silly mental image of a shark swimming about their prey as he craned his neck to try and follow her. Her eyes flitted up and down his body, as if taking note of every small detail about him and inputting it for some grand equation.

Facing him again, she came to a stop, her eyes narrowed. "This is the legendary pilot who killed four Angels?"

Shinji thought to the box in the car. "Well... it's a team effort."

"Hmph." She flipped her hair dismissively. "Guess it's a moot point anyway. Now that I'm finally here, you're about as outdated as that Test Type you pilot."

Says the one whose trailing behind a rat, Shinji thought, but said nothing.

"Now now, this is not a video game," Misato interjected with a smile, clapping her hands on both of their shoulders. "The continuing survival of the human race is what's important, not whoever is killing the Angels. Do you think Ayanami cares whether or not she gets the killing blow?"

"Oh yeah, the First Child," Asuka said dismissively. "I'll meet her soon enough."

She looked back at Shinji. "Now then..."

She suddenly leaned closer, forcing him to tilt back. He froze, unsure and afraid of what she was doing, until he realized she was reaching past him to grab the passenger door handle. She gave him a knowing grin, and he sighed and stepped out of the way.

"Let's get going, Misato!" she said cheerfully.

She opened the door, and promptly looked down at the passenger seat. Or, rather, the box on the seat. Before Shinji could object she grabbed it and held it up to her prying eyes.

She looked back to him. "What do you have in here, Third? A pet?"

"You might not wanna look inside," Misato said.

Her brows arched in annoyance. "What, you think I'm scared of some animal?"

"It's-" Shinji began, only to widen his eyes when she promptly opened the lid. "Wait!"

"Eeeeeek!" Asuka cried out, clapping a hand to her cheek.

Then she promptly reached inside and grabbed Remy, holding him out with a mischievous look on her face. "Oh no, a small rodent! How horrible! What is the girl who murdered an Angel the size of an aircraft carrier with just a knife going to do?"

"You seriously thought I'd be scared of some rat?" she said with a playful laugh. Then she frowned and studied Remy with a furrowed brow. "This one looks pretty weird. What breed even is it?"

Shinji replied by suddenly snatching Remy from her hand, which actually seemed to startle her. He shot her a glare as he put the rat on his shoulder.

"His name is Remy," he said, in a low tone. "And you were holding him wrong."

Asuka blinked and looked at her empty hand, then back to him. Emotions flashed across her face in quick succession, before settling into as neutral an expression as he'd seen from her.

"Huh," she said simply.

She handed him the box, her body language surprisingly thoughtful, and he quickly put Remy back inside. He refrained from nodding at his friend, and opted for just closing the lid and hopping into the car. Asuka did the same, and soon they were off. Shinji leaned back in his seat with a sigh, and resisted the urge to put his earbuds back in.

"I told you not to open the box," Misato said to her with a snicker. "Shinji and Remy are as thick as thieves."

"Whatever," the pilot retorted, crossing her arms. "Who cares what the Third Child does? Not like I have to live with him."

Misato winced. "About that..."

Shinji sat back up, relaxation suddenly eluding him for some mysterious reason. The lid of the box on his lap popped open, and he looked down to see Remy mirroring his own horrified expression.

"No..." Asuka said.

She shifted in her seat, and Shinji found that it was now her turn to match his growing dread.

"Noooo-"

 

[Thuktun F]

Between the sudden Angel attack that had nearly claimed our lives and meeting the fire-themed calamity that was Asuka Langley Sohru (three guesses as to which one was worse) I was feeling pretty frazzled by the time we all finally arrived back at the apartment. It didn't help that the car trip had largely consisted of Asuka alternating between desperate disbelief at the roommate situation and grand declarations that Shinji was a dangerous pervert with whom she could not share an apartment.

Honestly I had no idea where she was getting that from. I mean, admittedly I am a rat, so the standards might be different, but if humans were so prudish that a kid like Shinji was a deviant, then it'd be us rats ruling the world instead of them.

Wellll, there was still time for that.

I'm getting off track. Angel. Asuka. Tired. I wanted nothing more than to soak in the washing bowl Shinji had gotten me, preferably with a bottlecap's worth of the miso soup he'd made the other day. I could practically taste the fermented soy as I was carried up the stairs in my little travel box, and I eagerly peeked through the airholes as the door slid open.

And promptly saw that some cardboard culture had colonized what had once been our apartment. Packages that were big even by human standards covered almost every square inch of the floor, stretching a fair bit down the hallway. The only comparable sight was the trash heap that Misato had accumulated before Shinji moved in.

Yes, I know, it's funny that it's the rat complaining about clutter, but we actually are pretty tidy with our colonies, even if the choice of materials aren't great.

"What is all this stuff?" I heard Shinji say, voicing what I had just been thinking.

The box jostled and nearly knocked me off my feet as Asuka brushed past him. "Oh, the moving crew already dropped it all off? At least one thing's going right with this whole... thing."

Truly, a poet on par with Yui Ikari.

I could see through the airholes as she immediately opened a box and began rifling through its contents. "This one's my underwear, so I'm definitely handling this one. Go grab another box and carry it to my room, Third."

"What?" Shinji said. I saw him gesture helplessly with his free hand. "Did you bring everything from Germany?"

"What are you, stupid? This is just half."

Shinji sputtered and promptly set my box down on one of the big packages. I decided to pop the lid off and hop on out, and watched two teenage titans clash. Misato stepped inside as well, sparing me a wry glance as if to say "pass the popcorn".

"How are you going to fit this all in your room?"

"The second bedroom is big enough to fit it all. I was sure to do the math before I even started packing."

"But that's my room."

And mine too, so I was actually pretty invested.

A snort. "So what? The better pilot gets the bigger room."

"Says the one who only beat two Angels?"

I actually snickered out loud at that, but thankfully no one noticed. I wasn't expecting Shinji to actually snap back like that, considering the kid's favorite word was 'sorry'. Where was all this coming from?

I was surprised smoke wasn't billowing out of Asuka's flared nostrils as she stepped right up to Shinji, so close their noses were practically touching.

"Oh, so that's where this is going, Third?" she said, voice oddly even.

Before I got a lesson in what an Angel attack looked like to humans, Misato finally decided to step in.

"Maybe you should actually take a look at the room before you duel him in Thunderdome for it," she suggested with an awfully playful smile. "Shinji's been making... alterations."

The tempo changed in a moment. Asuka looked Misato's way, a look of dawning dread on her face. For a moment it seemed like she was going to ask what 'alterations' meant, before she decided to figure out on her own and suddenly made a beeline for the room.

"Wait, you-" Shinji groaned, then scooped me onto his shoulder as he ran after her. "I didn't say you could go in!"

Welp, it was too late for that. She was already standing in the middle of the room, back turned to us as she took in the sight. It's a rare moment in life where you get to see someone's perfectly laid plans come tumbling down before their very eyes- you gotta treasure it.

I wonder what she hated most about what we'd done to "her" room. Was it the tiny shelves all along the walls that Shinji had nailed in so I could stand at eye level with people? The half-dozen little pulleys he'd put in the ceiling so I could get up to said shelves? The miniature bed along the windowsill? Might've been the tiny ladders in the bookcase, I don't know.

Asuka clenched her fists, and for a moment I wondered if she'd finally embrace her demonic heritage and explode into a pillar of flame right then and there. Instead she just relaxed after a few moments and looked at us with a rather flat expression.

"I wouldn't want this room anyway," she said.

Misato awkwardly squeezed by us. "Don't worry, Shinji can help you move all your stuff. You two are a team now, after all."

I could literally feel his stifled groan beneath my feet. Shinji carefully hoisted me off his shoulder and set me down on one of the shelves, then plodded back out of the room. Misato followed after him, but I could hear her footsteps trailing to her own room, so clearly she figured she'd leave him and Asuka to do the teamwork alone.

That left just Asuka and I, though for the moment she seemed to have forgotten my existence, and I was more than happy to be out of mind. To my surprise, as soon as she thought she was alone, she practically deflated, her haughty stance turned into a slouch. She rubbed her eyes, and in that moment instead of a proud pilot I saw a tired kid.

"Niemand sagte auch nur "Danke, Asuka, dass du die Welt gerettet hast," she said softly to herself, and even though I couldn't understand a word, I had a feeling I knew what she had meant.

I don't know if I made a sound, but she finally seemed to remember me, and her gaze locked with my own. From my little vantage point from the shelf I was actually at eye level with her. And so two Evangelion pilots sized each other up for a few quiet seconds.

Then she huffed and walked out of the room.

I shook my head and decided to scamper towards the bookcase. After a day like this, I just wanted to lose myself in the written word, preferably with some fruit in hand. Alas, the loud arguing between Shinji and Asuka made concentrating just a little bit impossible.

I sighed. Hopefully this would be the worst of it.

---

鼠​

---

Of course it wasn't.

"You're doing it wrong," Asuka said unprompted over the comms.

Shinji scowled while I stayed focused on the simulation. "What do you mean?"

"You're just immediately dumping the pallet rifle and going in for knife work."

Well duh, the simulated Angel had armor plating over its core, and speaking from experience Evas tended to do better in hand to hand.

"I have a ninety-five percent success rate against this thing."

"And you could have one hundred if you actually used your brain."

"What's your bright idea then?" Shinji grumbled.

"Target the joints of its limbs, duh. Immobilize it before you go in for close-range." Her voice turned sly. "Unless you can't hit it, of course."

I decided to give the only reply I could, which was to promptly take out all four of the Angel's knees in half as many seconds. Once that was done, it was quick work to crack the armor plating with my fist, then pierce the core.

"Not too shabby, Third. Of course, I figured out that trick when I was nine."

And I'm six, I almost screamed. Ohhh, I so wanted her to find out she was competing with a rat right then and there, but then I would've been chucked into an incinerator by the Blonde Terror, so I didn't do anything.

I tried to remind myself that ultimately she and I were working together against the Angels, saving the world and rebuilding it, all of that good stuff. But the trouble didn't just stay put at NERV.

---

鼠​

---

Shinji was making breakfast in the kitchen when he heard an impressively high-pitched shriek, followed by the telltale clacking of paws against linoleum. He turned just in time to see Remy scampering towards him, a look of sheer terror in his eyes as a towel-clad Asuka pursued with murder in her eyes.

Instinctively he knelt down and scooped his friend onto his shoulder, then stood back up right as Asuka bore down on him. Her hair was down, and it somehow made her look even more unhinged than usual as she stabbed a finger into his chest.

"I saw that thing on the toilet," she snarled. "I went to take a shower and it was sitting on the toilet like a person."

Shinji shrugged helplessly, shielding Remy with a hand. "He had to use the bathroom."

"It's a fucking rat!" she yelled. "You seriously let that thing use a bathroom?"

"We let you use the bathroom," he muttered.

She leaned in closer, her breath hot on his face. Remy hid behind his head, holding on to his collar for dear life. "Yeah, and if I find him on the toilet again I'm flushing him down it."

Shinji said nothing, instead returning the glare and taking a step closer, forcing her to step back. Her eyes widened almost imperceptibly.

The moment was broken unexpectedly when Misato stepped into the kitchen, forcing both of them to look away from each other and at her instead. She glanced between the two of them, and gave a sly grin.

"Oh, don't let me interrupt this steamy moment," she said. "Just passing through."

Asuka then seemed to become aware that she was practically leaning against a boy while wearing nothing but a towel, and her face became as red as her hair. Wordlessly she spun around and half-ran back into the bathroom.

Shinji let out a long sigh, and leaned against the counter. Remy hopped off his shoulder and onto the rim of the sin, a grateful look on his face.

"I was expecting friction," Misato said, voice professional as she grabbed a beer from the fridge. "But nothing like this. You two have been fighting like cats and dogs for a week."

"It's not my fault," Shinji grumbled.

"Not saying it is," she said. "It's just... try to work on it, okay? When push comes to shove, when some Angel that breaks power projections comes to wipe out the human race, you and Asuka and Ayanami are only going to have each other on the field."

He shook his head and continued working on breakfast, sparing a knowing look to Remy. "I know. Hopefully an Angel doesn't come any time soon."

A/N: A bit unpolished, but I wanted it out in time for my birthday as a little gift to myself.