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Corporal Charles-Henri Sanson started climbing up the stairs, followed by soldiers of his platoon. It was just about two floors up to the door to what it seemed like the hangar's control room, wall on one side and rail on the other and it was not until he was just a few steps from the top that he realised he should've inspected the staircase before going up.
Faster than he'd gone up, he found himself sliding
down on what formerly had been a staircase but suddenly became a slide.
"Oh, fuuuuuck!", he head someone saying before he reached the bottom and impacted against the sudden dogpile of unfortunate soldiers. That hurt, he thought.
Standing up, he took stock of the situation… and the rest of the platoon, particularly those who hadn't gone up.
"Shut it, soldier," he shot at a private who was chuckling at the dogpile.
"Yes, sir."
"Now help the others," he ordered with a hint of satisfaction at the private obeying him. Then he turned his attention to the stairs turned slide and saw that, with a bit of work, he could get up the stairs using the railing alone. He reached out for it and, one step at a time, started working his way up.
"You can do it, sir!"
He grinned at the cheering. Hell yeah, this was working, though in the back of his mind he wondered if this was all he was going to find. He brushed that thought off and kept going until he was all the way up and then inspected the door. It looked like a pretty bog standard door and it even seemed to be unlocked.
Suspicious or fortunate, he wondered.
Unwilling to let doubt hinder his progress, he pressed the button to open the door. The door slid open, a bip sounded followed by a loud pop and then the most agonizing blossoming of pain found its way through his nerve system to his brain as a smallish rubber ball bounced off one of his most precious body parts, then the floor and then out the door, to be found much later.
"Man down!," he heard saying as he fell over, whimpering, his hands covering his most aggrieved part, eyes staring at the little device that had fired off the rubber ball…
---
The golden Archer going down one of the ramps to a lower level was a seventy ton war machine designed for long range support. Captain Gilgamesh, commander of one of Jeanette's battalions, was its pilot, at the head of a column with battlemechs and armored personnel carriers following him.
"All units," he heard over the radio, "be aware there are reports of boobytraps in the area. None so far designed for lethality, but exercise caution."
Psh, he was inside a battlemech. He could take it, he thought. He arrived at the bottom of the ramp and found himself before a shut door about 300 meters away.
"Obstacle ahead, closed blast door," he reported. "Engineering team, get to work."
He paused his battlemech briefly, the column stopping behind him sans for a single APC carrying the engineering team, which sped ahead to the blast door. Less than a minute later after stopping, they started working on the door. Gilgamesh started moving his 'mech closer, but by the time he was halfway to the door he was taken by surprise as a concealed door opened on the ceiling just ahead of him, dropping a large jar of some purple liquid attached to a rope.
He had just long enough to realise it was swinging at him before it impacted against his mech, just below the cockpit. The glass of the jar broke easily, splattering its contents all over his golden Archer and entirely covering his cockpit.
"... I'm hit with something. Lieutenant Souji, please assess threat."
Souji's battlemech, a Phoenix Hawk, approached to inspect.
"Captain? Your entire mech's head is covered with… whatever that is. You can't leave until we make sure it's safe… or wash it all off."
"If they were not long dead, I would make the mongrels who did this pay. Pick up someone to take a close look."
It took a bit of time to decide who would do it (short stick strategy works wonders), but eventually, one of the foot soldiers was lifted to take a look, decked in protective gear.
"Be quick, I don't have all day," Gilgamesh instructed him.
The soldier ran a few tests, ruling out all sorts and classes of chemical weapons before he realised something.
"It looks like jam, sir."
"Jam? Are you saying it's jam?," asked Gilgamesh in confusion. Surely he was mistaken?
"Well… it looks like it, tested negative to all chemical weapon tests so far…"
"What flavor is it?," said Souji in jest.
"I would like to know that, private."
"... Sir, are you serious?"
"I am, private."
Wasteful mongrel, his time was far too valuable to be wasted here. Did he not know that?
"Captain, this sounds unwise to me," protested Souji, but Gilgamesh cut her off.
"Private, taste the jam."
He very reluctantly obeyed, taking off the mask first before drawing a line on the 'mech with his finger and then, carefully, tasting it with the tip of his tongue. After a few moments, he said, "Raspberry, sir. Definitely raspberry."
A moment's silence. Then Souji pulled away, with the private, before the captain started raving.
"Raspberry? Raspberry! What mongrel dares to give
me, the raspberry! I am GILGAMESH!"
Then he stepped forward, towards the blast door, his 'mech hand wiping at the cockpit but less than thirty meters forward the floor gave below him, dropping the Archer into a 10-meter tall pit… half-filled with more raspberry jam.
Souji looked over the edge of the pit, and saw the struggling Archer, fighting to get up from the muck, and commented. "Well… the captain first got jammed and then got into a jam. Sounds about right."
She sighed and set about coordinating 'mech rescue operations while Gilgamesh raved about damned mongrels unworthy of his presence deigning to embarass him in such an undignified manner.
---
Jeanette ground her teeth as she heard yet another report of a trap going off. There had been dozens already and morale among her crew was rock bottom, with the only upside being that nobody was seriously injured and there were no deaths. A few would need a small hospital stay, but no more than that.
At least, so far.
Compounding her aggravation was the fact that as of yet nobody had found anything of value in the base that wasn't bolted down to the floors, ceilings or walls or was otherwise essentially part and parcel of operating or maintaining the facility itself. The warehouses so far found were bare, none of the mechbays had battlemechs and even industrial mechs were all but absent. Some trucks and other logistical vehicles were found, but those weren't worth the trip.
"Jean, this may be the weirdest day I've ever seen."
"Cousin, you sure you want to be in here? So far… but who can tell what else is here."
"No, I don't think we're in true danger at this point. Whoever did all this went out of his way to make all the traps non-lethal, yet humiliating and, from a certain perspective, rather humorous."
Well, she had to admit to herself Thomas had a point… some of the stuff that happened to certain people was hilarious. But it could all still be a setup.
"That may be so, cousin, but until we clear out the area we can't be sure."
Before Thomas could reply, Captain Artoria's voice cut in. "Colonel, we found the way to central command. Just a couple blast doors left to get open."
"Roger that, Captain. I'm on the way," Jeanette replied, setting her 'mech on the move. A few moments later, she noticed Thomas following her in his Warhammer. "You're coming?"
"Yes, Jean. Nothing to do up here."
She thought about arguing, but decided not to try. He hadn't listened to her concerns when he'd decided to come along for the ride and he wasn't going to listen to her now.
"In that case, just follow behind me. I have the mapping information."
The trip wasn't a particularly short one - Castle Brians, even the smaller ones, were big complexes - but there was nothing to slow them down and 'mechs travelling at 48kph ate the distance quickly and steadily. One of the blast doors was reported open while on the move, to their pleasure, but it was not to last.
As Jeanette entered one of the last access tunnels before reaching the opened blast door, panels on the walls and ceiling opened up and started spraying a black liquid at her 'mech. Her surprise, however, gave way to instinctive reaction as she turned her 'mech around, bleeding inertia and trying to get out of the trap she'd sprung. Before she could complete the maneuver, however, the spraying stopped and the liquid sprayers retracted… only for another set to pop out and start blasting something white at her 'mech instead. Moments later, she got her 'mech out of the danger zone and stopped to assess the situation.
"Jean… ha… haha… hahahahahahahaha!"
Jeanette stared at Thomas' battlemech for a moment, as he started to laugh hysterically for a few seconds before cutting off transmission. What was he laughing about, she wondered, before she caught sight on her cockpit glass of some of the white stuff and stiffened. Oh, no, they hadn't...
---
The command center was finally breached and swept through, but it was not until an unusually stiff Jeanette and a clearly amused Thomas arriving that they learned just why the platoon doing the sweep had been evasive about what they'd found.
A sign hung on one of the walls, with a lot of boxes stacked against it underneath.
"Congratulations for making it through Castle Nautilus! I hope you enjoyed the invigorating experience, I certainly enjoyed modifying all the most certainly lethal traps and defense mechanisms into far less lethal ones!
Now, I do apologize if you are a gold digger looking for lost treasures from the Star League. Finders keepers and all that, I'm afraid, and I got here first. Neener neener. On the other hand, I can't cart off this entire place so there's that. If you want, just sell it to the local overlord. The Calderons would probably pay a pretty penny for it.
In the meantime, because no adventure of this sort can go unrewarded, you may find in the boxes something to your size.
See ya around, bambini
Giacomo Raventhir"
Jeanette ground her teeth as one of the soldiers pulled from one of the boxes a T-Shirt with 'I found Castle Nautilus and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt' emblazoned on it. Thomas snorted and tried to hold back his laughter, to a moderate success. She glanced at the other officers who'd made it there. Gilgamesh looked affronted and it was a miracle he was not raving. Artoria looked blandly at the T-Shirts, clearly not amused but since she'd escaped personal embarassment… and then Emiya walked in, clearly amused at something and talking to a subaltern of his.
"I never thought I'd see a 'mech tarred and feathered," Emiya commented, "Wonder whose?".
Then he looked at Jeanette and saluted her, before noticing all the glares he was getting from the officers, sans Gilgamesh. "What?"
"Nevermind," said Jeanette, mentally cursing Giacomo. "Captain Emiya, you are in charge of distributing those to the entire unit," she ordered, pointing at the T-Shirt crates.
Castle Nautilus was a loss to her, for sure. Thomas would get his Castle Brian, but she had been counting on her share of the booty for the profit. Instead, all she was getting was a stockpile of T-Shirts. If that was the case, then she was going to make it a point to hand everyone at least one to their size. Dealing with this crap definitely warranted having a reminder of the shared painful experience everyone had to get through.
---
"Hmm… I like this very much," said Guntram as he read the report in his hands. "Good work, Luna."
She wasn't there with him, but he wished she was so he could congratulate her in person for landing the position he needed her to be in. Precentor Artoo, with the duty and resources to upgrade its industrial base? It would serve ComStar well… but it would serve him even better. If all went as planned, that is.
He eyed the other piles of papers. He'd gone a long way setting up his own network of agents throughout the former Hegemony worlds and was well on the way to planting the seeds for his plan to bear fruit. In the meantime, all the hardware he'd pulled off of Helm was being put to good use. With mercenaries helping, he was literally raising his own army without anyone the wiser. Getting dropships was more difficult and expensive but bit by bit even that was not an insurmountable problem. Jumpships even more so but he had backup plans to make up for deficiencies in that regard.
"Fort Knox, eat your heart out," he said with a chuckle as he remembered how he'd been financing the whole thing. The Hegemony had been quite the packrat, hiding away all sorts of stuff where it couldn't be easily found. A monetary metal repository whose existence and location had been lost during Amaris' destruction? Best possible source of funding. Completely untraceable. And he was yet to find a world that wouldn't pay cash for gold. Or silver, platinum and even some of the other metals and valuables stored there.
Guntram's father had found it and now it was his.
Of course, all of his plans rested on one thing above all. The fall of ComStar. He eyed the pile related to his own agents on Terra and smiled.
"Soon, Primus, you'll reap what you've sown."
But not too soon. Oh, no. He needed his army ready to take advantage of it. The Hegemony would rise again… and he would be at the helm.
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Yes, that was Castle Home Alone. *hums tune*
Chapter 3 in progress but it will take time. Feedback so far is most welcome. And don't forget the reaction videos.
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