When the Going Gets Weird
There are things man wasn't meant to know, Goto thought as Tatas paced nervously in a set of torn, butter-yellow yoga pants with butterfly patterns on the girl's hips, Especially men with jealous girlfriends.
While Nagato was calm and collected, Kongo looked like she was near a boiler explosion, and not entirely because Goto kept glancing at Tatas, but because Goto kept catching Kongo staring at Tatas. He knew a little about the symbols on Tatas' hips, anyone who dealt with destroyers had to be aware of the latest cartoons, but even he knew the symbols were only so appropriate. Tatas suddenly stopped and gracefully spun on her heel to face the Admiral, and created another thing men with girlfriends shouldn't know. Kongo of course glanced down and was reminded she was still originally a battlecruiser. Rubber was stoic throughout.
"I remembered my training. I didn't hurt them, but it was so convenient they had a van," Tatas explained. Goto's continued silence helped get the entire story out of the Abyssal fast battleship.
Goto knew, one of the rescuees wanted to join the ship-girl force, as she'd been disowned by her parents for how she'd been forced to pay their gambling debts. Since she'd passed the fluency exams for (British) English he'd put her to work. He hadn't known someone had tried to collect her to finish paying the debt. How Rubber had made them not try again but net Tatas instead was a mystery he really didn't want to know. So five, burly Yakuza grabbed 'the American Dance Student', and with their driver, found themselves in a locked van with an angry, fast battleship. Since the orders and admonitions from Houshou and Howe were to not hurt a human unless a life was in danger, she'd snapped her bonds and started eating their van from the inside.
Tatas delicately settled in a chair and with a voice as beautiful as the rest of her, explained all that happened. She'd of course eaten their weapons, promised to eat them last, and tore pieces out of the van to snack on. When they'd tried to race away from the base after trying to drop her off, that's when she'd eaten their transmission. And revealed she was an Abyssal who would enjoy crunching up their bones while they watched, since she wasn't supposed to kill them. The Yakuza were in custody, and were putting together what would officially be called an insanity defense.
"I don't blame you Tatas, Rubber can be very persuasive," Goto said and smiled for several reasons, not the least of which was Tatas' squeal of glee. The battleship almost launched herself across his desk, but thought better of it, charged over and hugged Kongo instead.
Ships can get nosebleeds, Goto noted idly.
"Rubber, unfortunately, you performed this operation without authorization. So you, will have to be punished," Goto said.
The Ru-class took it in stride. "First, you'll take Tatas out shopping to replace her damaged clothes," Goto said, and watched the Ru cringe at that, he knew what she thought of `girly shopping`, cutting off a finger would be preferable.
"Kongo too! I swear I'm part camel," Tatas said, still clutching Kongo to her, "I kinda ruined the top she lent me, all that cheap steel when straight to fat and you know where that goes."
Only on you dear, Goto thought as Kongo fainted, but Tatas still held onto her. Tatas who was facing away from him in tight yoga pants and showing the fat didn't go anywhere he was seeing, although Kongo had been gifted with a perfect, close in view.
"And Haruna, Musashi has been very helpful and deserves a treat," Goto said and saw the Ru was properly chastened, "The money will come out of the reward for capture and conviction of those individuals."
Rubber nodded, stood and saluted as if her next destination was the guest of honor at a firing squad. She headed out with Tatas still carrying the comatose Kongo.
Goto picked up a stack of papers and squared them on his desk. "So, Ooyodo, how is Rachel working out as your assistant?"
"A little too well, she needs to sleep," Ooyodo said.
"And have the weevils eat me," came from the outer office, "No chance."
Goto centered himself and prepared to delve into another bout of the psychology of ship-girls.
------------------------------
Glowworm flopped down on her bunk and moaned. "How fast does a destroyer grow up til she's 'legal'?"
Kamikaze swatted her with a pillow. "Quit mooning over Mister Howe, if you were legal, you'd be as tongue tied as every other ship-girl."
"Besides, wouldn't you want to be younger?" Fubuki asked as she stood away from the homework table and stretched, "So you could convince him to cuddle pile more often?"
"Where's this all coming from?" Akatsuki asked.
"Those protesters outside the gate at Puget Sound," Johnston said, "That contractor took a cruiser and a couple of destroyers out and the howling mob changed watching a matinee into pedo shit."
"They went to see Godzilla in the middle of the day," Kamikaze said, "And returned with a few buckets of fried chicken from different stores for a taste-test picnic."
"So why did Mister Howe get nervous about that?" Akatsuki asked.
"He's a guy too," Johnston said, "And he's already hearing a few comments about Lupo, Armidale and Curtatone."
"Projection," Hoel said as she entered with a tray of snacks, "They'd want to do it, so they assume everybody wants to lewd destroyers."
"Creepy," Glowworm said, "So what do we do about it?"
"You have some spell that'll make some of us young and others older?" Johnston asked, "Even I think that's a bad idea."
The destroyers assembled around the table, and coincidentally around the snacks, and began to draw their plans.
------------------------------
The Abyssal verified the moon was hidden behind a cloud, before it scrambled across the island with its cargo. If it had been anything other than a Wa-class, it might have wondered why it needed to wait for the moon to be shrouded as it walked in broad daylight.
The disrupted patch of sand was obvious, it had made this trip a few times, it hoped this would be the last. The cargo bays opened and seawater dumped into the sand and disappeared beneath it. It knew it could stop when the sea water reached the top. The top of what hadn't been explained so it could understand. So it made the cargo run, until it understood it was done.
Fortunately, it was dumping the water in the wrong place. Unfortunately, some of each load splashed onto its intended target.
------------------------------
Rachel didn't mind talking to the interrogator lady, she'd answered every question the others had asked, had even theorized about things, and identified objects that they had salvaged but couldn't figure out.
It's not my fault that pretty lampshades were used as ceremonial hats, Rachel groused at the one problem, read argument, she'd had with the team.
"What exactly are the weevils you are talking about," the lady asked and allowed Rachel to sigh, "Are they physical, only appearing in dreams, or something else?"
Rachel was glad she'd read Johnston's collection of Cthulhu mythos stories, it made explaining the weevils a lot easier.
------------------------------
The slap drew Houshou's attention, and she mentally cut off the man at the table who'd slapped Tatas' butt as she carried a laden bussing tray towards the kitchen and the dishwasher beyond.
Without spilling a glass, Tatas knelt, grabbed the chair and pressed the man against the ceiling. "You might have made me drop something and poor Houshou-san would have to replace it. Some of the regulars have a favorite glass or dish. They might have lost that. Do you understand how bad that would make them feel?"
"Hai! Hai!" the man managed as he was getting the ceiling's wood grain embossed on his face.
"Does anyone believe him?" Tatas asked, and a few compassionate souls shouted they did. Before she set the man down, she dumped him out of his chair. "If you were interesting, I'd give you a spank, but you'd probably enjoy it."
She left the man to be mortified by the other patrons as she carried the tray to the back.
Houshou knew she didn't have to discuss things with Tatas later, for the girl handled it perfectly. She thought about letting the girl sing on Karaoke night.
------------------------------
Akagi and Kaga found themselves in the odd situation of holding a sobbing Re-class while Rachel's tail wrapped around the trio and looked very distraught for an eyeless serpent. What disturbed the two carriers were the tiny, bloody bite marks on Rachel's arms, breasts and legs. They had remained awake, had deployed their marines and landing parties with crew-served weapons, advanced detection gear and even as many traps, planes and ambushes as the apartment's topography allowed. A modern armored company would have been hard pressed to push through the defense, ignoring the two, vigilant carriers and their Argus-eyed, air cover.
Yet, something had gotten past all that and attacked Rachel until she woke up screaming in pain.
Kaga's glance to Akagi told both that worse, Rachel had trusted them, and they had utterly failed her.
Psychosomatic? a blinker light from Akagi asked of Kaga as both applied antiseptic and bandages to the many small wounds. They had photographed the wounds at Rachel's insistence, and they had scanned the photos to Tokyo University demanding analysis of what kind of creatures could cause those presumably bites. Neither had noted that the wounds were in armor steel that would resist cannon fire. Likewise a report went to Admiral Goto, and all the reports implied that lethargic resolution would have tempestuous ship-girls inpouring to provide encouragement, and promoted research from the History Department to inform what they'd bring with them as a matter of course.
We need to talk to Rubber, came Kaga's reply by light, This is beyond Sparkly Magical Ship-Girl Bullshit(tm).
She can stay awake as long as she likes, Akagi added. Kaga nodded her agreement.
------------------------------
Admirals Goto and Brixton were unused to developing a battleplan on a front that neither of them had experience. Brixton had flown in and the pair were discussing the problem in a secure facility. Both were well prepared to deal with the vagaries of ship-girl physics and `biology`, but not so in fighting a war where RPGs' monster catalogs as well as experts in folklore, etymology, and parapsychology, were the intelligence reports.
"Rats?" Brixton asked.
"That's what Tokyo University, U.S.C., and a few other colleges and experts said," Goto replied, "Small rats, but rats. No idea how the rats bit steel, if the wounds are psychosomatic, or if this is something that can be dealt with by any previous methods. Rachel is willing to help us, but I get the idea that Kaga and Akagi will lose their tempers about this before Rachel will."
"So you'll need Vestal for a while longer?" Brixton asked.
Goto nodded.
"Priests?" Brixton asked.
"Shinto, Buddhist, the Vatican sent an exorcist, we had the local Baptists do a prayer meeting in the room with Rachel asleep. They were attacked. According to Vestal, Rachel could stay awake for the rest of her life, but that leaves out the possibility that this could be weaponized against other ship-girls," Goto said.
Brixton nodded, both men knew that if they could direct it, then the Abyssals would have something to worry about. "Frankly I think my kids and their weird friends might be better advisors than the weenies we have. Funny how the weirdos have all the answers, until you ask them to put their money where their mouth is," Brixton said, "Hell, if Sutherland came up with a solution even Howe would welcome him back into the club."
"I heard the new Shin Godzilla movie is going to address some of those points after Kobe and the Abyssal attack on Fukashima," Goto said, "I've let the destroyers brainstorm, and frankly if their search for Harry Potter works out, we may just let the Wizarding World live after not helping with the Abyssals."
Brixton snorted his laugh. "My son asked if a sniper could hit a target beyond a certain distance, evidently he was wondering if SEAL teams could take out Voldemort."
"So what do we do? Aside from let Rachel stay awake," Goto asked, "The experts are less than useful. The fringe aren't willing to say anything definitive. The destroyers' wild ideas are more useful."
"The Australians suggested a dreamquest," Brixton said, "Have you investigated that?"
"Rubber and her best are trying that tonight," Goto said, "Although what hallucinogens affect a ship, and how do you imbibe it? Slip Jimson weed seeds into their boilers?"
"At what dosages?" Brixton agreed, "Some pseudointellectuals at the tech firms in Seattle micro-dose DMT, what's the micro-dose for fifty-thousand tons of warship, a swimming pool?"
Goto rubbed his brow. "This is one thing I wish I could understand better or be part of," he said, "I'm 'too grounded', per Rubber."
"What are the chances this is another curse by the deep Abyssals like Rubber's abilities?" Brixton asked.
"What would she have done to deserve their attention?" Goto asked.
Brixton had no answer.
------------------------------
"It isn't sleep," Vestal soothed Rachel, "It's self-hypnosis. It is a resting state, but not sleep. The weevils won't get you because you'll be awake the whole time."
Akashi wanted to ask how the rats got past Rachel's crew, presumably even if they weren't physical and visible to Akagi and Kaga, they were visible to Rachel's crew. She knew Vestal often had to resort to other methods of sedating the ships she did much more extensive work on. She'd watched her do this with Howe and Tatas, but she hadn't mastered the techniques herself, let alone been able to teach them. Despite Vestal's best efforts to teach her.
"Breathe in, hold, breathe out, feel yourself sinking, slowly sinking into a soft cloud," Vestal said.
Akashi noted the effect it was having on Akagi and Kaga who held the girl's hands. Then they jerked awake as Rachel tightened her grip.
"Slowly - " Vestal said.
"No deeper, we've stopped," Rachel said quietly. If Akagi and Kaga weren't at action stations before, they were now.
Vestal didn't pause. "You're relaxed, you're safe, what do you see? You're relaxed. You're safe."
"The sun far above, fish floating by," Rachel said, "Few colors, only little lights."
Akashi glanced to the carriers, and their marines scattered around the workshop.
"Are the weevils here?" Vestal asked.
"They can't swim," Rachel said, giggled once, "They can't swim. They can't get me. They can't . . . " The former Abyssal's voice drifted out. The four ships exchanged glances but didn't move or make a noise. They were content to wait.
While Nagato was calm and collected, Kongo looked like she was near a boiler explosion, and not entirely because Goto kept glancing at Tatas, but because Goto kept catching Kongo staring at Tatas. He knew a little about the symbols on Tatas' hips, anyone who dealt with destroyers had to be aware of the latest cartoons, but even he knew the symbols were only so appropriate. Tatas suddenly stopped and gracefully spun on her heel to face the Admiral, and created another thing men with girlfriends shouldn't know. Kongo of course glanced down and was reminded she was still originally a battlecruiser. Rubber was stoic throughout.
"I remembered my training. I didn't hurt them, but it was so convenient they had a van," Tatas explained. Goto's continued silence helped get the entire story out of the Abyssal fast battleship.
Goto knew, one of the rescuees wanted to join the ship-girl force, as she'd been disowned by her parents for how she'd been forced to pay their gambling debts. Since she'd passed the fluency exams for (British) English he'd put her to work. He hadn't known someone had tried to collect her to finish paying the debt. How Rubber had made them not try again but net Tatas instead was a mystery he really didn't want to know. So five, burly Yakuza grabbed 'the American Dance Student', and with their driver, found themselves in a locked van with an angry, fast battleship. Since the orders and admonitions from Houshou and Howe were to not hurt a human unless a life was in danger, she'd snapped her bonds and started eating their van from the inside.
Tatas delicately settled in a chair and with a voice as beautiful as the rest of her, explained all that happened. She'd of course eaten their weapons, promised to eat them last, and tore pieces out of the van to snack on. When they'd tried to race away from the base after trying to drop her off, that's when she'd eaten their transmission. And revealed she was an Abyssal who would enjoy crunching up their bones while they watched, since she wasn't supposed to kill them. The Yakuza were in custody, and were putting together what would officially be called an insanity defense.
"I don't blame you Tatas, Rubber can be very persuasive," Goto said and smiled for several reasons, not the least of which was Tatas' squeal of glee. The battleship almost launched herself across his desk, but thought better of it, charged over and hugged Kongo instead.
Ships can get nosebleeds, Goto noted idly.
"Rubber, unfortunately, you performed this operation without authorization. So you, will have to be punished," Goto said.
The Ru-class took it in stride. "First, you'll take Tatas out shopping to replace her damaged clothes," Goto said, and watched the Ru cringe at that, he knew what she thought of `girly shopping`, cutting off a finger would be preferable.
"Kongo too! I swear I'm part camel," Tatas said, still clutching Kongo to her, "I kinda ruined the top she lent me, all that cheap steel when straight to fat and you know where that goes."
Only on you dear, Goto thought as Kongo fainted, but Tatas still held onto her. Tatas who was facing away from him in tight yoga pants and showing the fat didn't go anywhere he was seeing, although Kongo had been gifted with a perfect, close in view.
"And Haruna, Musashi has been very helpful and deserves a treat," Goto said and saw the Ru was properly chastened, "The money will come out of the reward for capture and conviction of those individuals."
Rubber nodded, stood and saluted as if her next destination was the guest of honor at a firing squad. She headed out with Tatas still carrying the comatose Kongo.
Goto picked up a stack of papers and squared them on his desk. "So, Ooyodo, how is Rachel working out as your assistant?"
"A little too well, she needs to sleep," Ooyodo said.
"And have the weevils eat me," came from the outer office, "No chance."
Goto centered himself and prepared to delve into another bout of the psychology of ship-girls.
------------------------------
Glowworm flopped down on her bunk and moaned. "How fast does a destroyer grow up til she's 'legal'?"
Kamikaze swatted her with a pillow. "Quit mooning over Mister Howe, if you were legal, you'd be as tongue tied as every other ship-girl."
"Besides, wouldn't you want to be younger?" Fubuki asked as she stood away from the homework table and stretched, "So you could convince him to cuddle pile more often?"
"Where's this all coming from?" Akatsuki asked.
"Those protesters outside the gate at Puget Sound," Johnston said, "That contractor took a cruiser and a couple of destroyers out and the howling mob changed watching a matinee into pedo shit."
"They went to see Godzilla in the middle of the day," Kamikaze said, "And returned with a few buckets of fried chicken from different stores for a taste-test picnic."
"So why did Mister Howe get nervous about that?" Akatsuki asked.
"He's a guy too," Johnston said, "And he's already hearing a few comments about Lupo, Armidale and Curtatone."
"Projection," Hoel said as she entered with a tray of snacks, "They'd want to do it, so they assume everybody wants to lewd destroyers."
"Creepy," Glowworm said, "So what do we do about it?"
"You have some spell that'll make some of us young and others older?" Johnston asked, "Even I think that's a bad idea."
The destroyers assembled around the table, and coincidentally around the snacks, and began to draw their plans.
------------------------------
The Abyssal verified the moon was hidden behind a cloud, before it scrambled across the island with its cargo. If it had been anything other than a Wa-class, it might have wondered why it needed to wait for the moon to be shrouded as it walked in broad daylight.
The disrupted patch of sand was obvious, it had made this trip a few times, it hoped this would be the last. The cargo bays opened and seawater dumped into the sand and disappeared beneath it. It knew it could stop when the sea water reached the top. The top of what hadn't been explained so it could understand. So it made the cargo run, until it understood it was done.
Fortunately, it was dumping the water in the wrong place. Unfortunately, some of each load splashed onto its intended target.
------------------------------
Rachel didn't mind talking to the interrogator lady, she'd answered every question the others had asked, had even theorized about things, and identified objects that they had salvaged but couldn't figure out.
It's not my fault that pretty lampshades were used as ceremonial hats, Rachel groused at the one problem, read argument, she'd had with the team.
"What exactly are the weevils you are talking about," the lady asked and allowed Rachel to sigh, "Are they physical, only appearing in dreams, or something else?"
Rachel was glad she'd read Johnston's collection of Cthulhu mythos stories, it made explaining the weevils a lot easier.
------------------------------
The slap drew Houshou's attention, and she mentally cut off the man at the table who'd slapped Tatas' butt as she carried a laden bussing tray towards the kitchen and the dishwasher beyond.
Without spilling a glass, Tatas knelt, grabbed the chair and pressed the man against the ceiling. "You might have made me drop something and poor Houshou-san would have to replace it. Some of the regulars have a favorite glass or dish. They might have lost that. Do you understand how bad that would make them feel?"
"Hai! Hai!" the man managed as he was getting the ceiling's wood grain embossed on his face.
"Does anyone believe him?" Tatas asked, and a few compassionate souls shouted they did. Before she set the man down, she dumped him out of his chair. "If you were interesting, I'd give you a spank, but you'd probably enjoy it."
She left the man to be mortified by the other patrons as she carried the tray to the back.
Houshou knew she didn't have to discuss things with Tatas later, for the girl handled it perfectly. She thought about letting the girl sing on Karaoke night.
------------------------------
Akagi and Kaga found themselves in the odd situation of holding a sobbing Re-class while Rachel's tail wrapped around the trio and looked very distraught for an eyeless serpent. What disturbed the two carriers were the tiny, bloody bite marks on Rachel's arms, breasts and legs. They had remained awake, had deployed their marines and landing parties with crew-served weapons, advanced detection gear and even as many traps, planes and ambushes as the apartment's topography allowed. A modern armored company would have been hard pressed to push through the defense, ignoring the two, vigilant carriers and their Argus-eyed, air cover.
Yet, something had gotten past all that and attacked Rachel until she woke up screaming in pain.
Kaga's glance to Akagi told both that worse, Rachel had trusted them, and they had utterly failed her.
Psychosomatic? a blinker light from Akagi asked of Kaga as both applied antiseptic and bandages to the many small wounds. They had photographed the wounds at Rachel's insistence, and they had scanned the photos to Tokyo University demanding analysis of what kind of creatures could cause those presumably bites. Neither had noted that the wounds were in armor steel that would resist cannon fire. Likewise a report went to Admiral Goto, and all the reports implied that lethargic resolution would have tempestuous ship-girls inpouring to provide encouragement, and promoted research from the History Department to inform what they'd bring with them as a matter of course.
We need to talk to Rubber, came Kaga's reply by light, This is beyond Sparkly Magical Ship-Girl Bullshit(tm).
She can stay awake as long as she likes, Akagi added. Kaga nodded her agreement.
------------------------------
Admirals Goto and Brixton were unused to developing a battleplan on a front that neither of them had experience. Brixton had flown in and the pair were discussing the problem in a secure facility. Both were well prepared to deal with the vagaries of ship-girl physics and `biology`, but not so in fighting a war where RPGs' monster catalogs as well as experts in folklore, etymology, and parapsychology, were the intelligence reports.
"Rats?" Brixton asked.
"That's what Tokyo University, U.S.C., and a few other colleges and experts said," Goto replied, "Small rats, but rats. No idea how the rats bit steel, if the wounds are psychosomatic, or if this is something that can be dealt with by any previous methods. Rachel is willing to help us, but I get the idea that Kaga and Akagi will lose their tempers about this before Rachel will."
"So you'll need Vestal for a while longer?" Brixton asked.
Goto nodded.
"Priests?" Brixton asked.
"Shinto, Buddhist, the Vatican sent an exorcist, we had the local Baptists do a prayer meeting in the room with Rachel asleep. They were attacked. According to Vestal, Rachel could stay awake for the rest of her life, but that leaves out the possibility that this could be weaponized against other ship-girls," Goto said.
Brixton nodded, both men knew that if they could direct it, then the Abyssals would have something to worry about. "Frankly I think my kids and their weird friends might be better advisors than the weenies we have. Funny how the weirdos have all the answers, until you ask them to put their money where their mouth is," Brixton said, "Hell, if Sutherland came up with a solution even Howe would welcome him back into the club."
"I heard the new Shin Godzilla movie is going to address some of those points after Kobe and the Abyssal attack on Fukashima," Goto said, "I've let the destroyers brainstorm, and frankly if their search for Harry Potter works out, we may just let the Wizarding World live after not helping with the Abyssals."
Brixton snorted his laugh. "My son asked if a sniper could hit a target beyond a certain distance, evidently he was wondering if SEAL teams could take out Voldemort."
"So what do we do? Aside from let Rachel stay awake," Goto asked, "The experts are less than useful. The fringe aren't willing to say anything definitive. The destroyers' wild ideas are more useful."
"The Australians suggested a dreamquest," Brixton said, "Have you investigated that?"
"Rubber and her best are trying that tonight," Goto said, "Although what hallucinogens affect a ship, and how do you imbibe it? Slip Jimson weed seeds into their boilers?"
"At what dosages?" Brixton agreed, "Some pseudointellectuals at the tech firms in Seattle micro-dose DMT, what's the micro-dose for fifty-thousand tons of warship, a swimming pool?"
Goto rubbed his brow. "This is one thing I wish I could understand better or be part of," he said, "I'm 'too grounded', per Rubber."
"What are the chances this is another curse by the deep Abyssals like Rubber's abilities?" Brixton asked.
"What would she have done to deserve their attention?" Goto asked.
Brixton had no answer.
------------------------------
"It isn't sleep," Vestal soothed Rachel, "It's self-hypnosis. It is a resting state, but not sleep. The weevils won't get you because you'll be awake the whole time."
Akashi wanted to ask how the rats got past Rachel's crew, presumably even if they weren't physical and visible to Akagi and Kaga, they were visible to Rachel's crew. She knew Vestal often had to resort to other methods of sedating the ships she did much more extensive work on. She'd watched her do this with Howe and Tatas, but she hadn't mastered the techniques herself, let alone been able to teach them. Despite Vestal's best efforts to teach her.
"Breathe in, hold, breathe out, feel yourself sinking, slowly sinking into a soft cloud," Vestal said.
Akashi noted the effect it was having on Akagi and Kaga who held the girl's hands. Then they jerked awake as Rachel tightened her grip.
"Slowly - " Vestal said.
"No deeper, we've stopped," Rachel said quietly. If Akagi and Kaga weren't at action stations before, they were now.
Vestal didn't pause. "You're relaxed, you're safe, what do you see? You're relaxed. You're safe."
"The sun far above, fish floating by," Rachel said, "Few colors, only little lights."
Akashi glanced to the carriers, and their marines scattered around the workshop.
"Are the weevils here?" Vestal asked.
"They can't swim," Rachel said, giggled once, "They can't swim. They can't get me. They can't . . . " The former Abyssal's voice drifted out. The four ships exchanged glances but didn't move or make a noise. They were content to wait.
