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A Clockwork, Dreaming (Naruto / Bloodborne)

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Excellent chapter, but I think the last sentence should read "There is no explanation given."

And of course it's that gray-haired glasses wearing medic who would have an interest in Yharnam.
 
This is compelling. Thank you for writing, sir/madam. My only advice would be to focus more on "show" and not so much "tell". Great premise though IMO, fun for sure hehe.
 
Ah. So Wave fell completely here, and those squalid survivors turned to mindless wretches as a result.

Sakura needs to get better quick, me thinks things are going to fall apart very damn hard in this timeline.

She needs to find the Three Cords. It is her only real hope at this point, me thinks.

That or learn how to summon the Hunters and the Nightmares from Yahrnam.
 
SixPerfections said:
This is compelling. Thank you for writing, sir/madam. My only advice would be to focus more on "show" and not so much "tell". Great premise though IMO, fun for sure hehe.
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Thank you for the compliments! Show vs tell is something I've been trying to work on; could you highlight a few areas that were particularly "tell"-ey? Was it the bit about the yin/yang energies or is it a more running problem?
 
NexysDhyArchen said:
Or she taught enough that Danzo fucked up an attempt on the Third.
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My bet, if we're going Not!Bloodborne, is probably two things.

Scenario A: He's genre savvy enough, under "veteran Ninja leader" to know potential mystery danger, as much as military potential. And ruled/made a ruling accordingly. With the lens being towards secrecy and loyalty. Ninja leader style.

It's occam's razor, no worries or concern on 'if' there's a Danzo (though honestly, he could be running/playing things safe in other lenses, plots wise._

Scenario B: Orochimaru Arc? In another lens. Whose to say it may not be an 'attempt', so much as 'secure' in Sakura's case? I'd probably bet Danzo at a stretch would be invested in securing/learning, if not archiving Sakura's "runes", in case it could expand on Sealing Arts/jutsu and such.

If you want to go conspiracy. Perhaps Danzo suffered (if not had to contain) a fuck up, involving Sakura's eldritch runes. And no doubt the sort of confidence her... unique nature/insight, could be used in strife, to learn how to 'control', if not 'tolerate' the human sacrifice himself.

-

Incidentally. It's ironic when Naruto here, has spotted quite a few clues on seals and charms from enemy ninja, no doubt?
 
Danzo is 100% the kind of man who would tattoo Caryll Runes all over himself and then suddenly realise he'd fucked up. He is also a man who already has too many eyes - my personal bet is that he underwent a similar senescence to Master Willem. A relentless search for insight that ended poorly, as it always does in Bloodborne.

Really enjoying this story so far; it's hit the right notes I want out of Bloodborne stuff, that hazy dreamlike reality/unreality mixed with the sudden sharp impact of violence.
 
Oh my, if they're lucky the Blood never makes it to Konoha. And they seem to have already learned that too much knowledge leads to Insight.
 
Sono said:
Oh my, if they're lucky the Blood never makes it to Konoha. And they seem to have already learned that too much knowledge leads to Insight.
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I feel the need to point out that there are certain Caryll Runes that are perpetually slick with Blood.
Kadmus said:
Danzo is 100% the kind of man who would tattoo Caryll Runes all over himself and then suddenly realise he'd fucked up. He is also a man who already has too many eyes - my personal bet is that he underwent a similar senescence to Master Willem. A relentless search for insight that ended poorly, as it always does in Bloodborne.

Really enjoying this story so far; it's hit the right notes I want out of Bloodborne stuff, that hazy dreamlike reality/unreality mixed with the sudden sharp impact of violence.
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Nah. He's got disposable underlings for that.
 
Guessmyname said:
Thank you for the compliments! Show vs tell is something I've been trying to work on; could you highlight a few areas that were particularly "tell"-ey? Was it the bit about the yin/yang energies or is it a more running problem?
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Honestly? Most of the story sort-of reads like that. It reads just fine in chapter 1 where it feels like you're speeding to catch us up to where we want the story to start so you "tell" us about everything that has happened. So, for example:

Guessmyname said:
She calms as she grows. Learns quickly and instinctively; pain is a teacher that carves its lessons deep, and the human mind can adapt to anything once it becomes familiar. For a little while, she is almost an ordinary child.
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Guessmyname said:
Things... shift, after that. The adults want explanations and she tries, she tries so very hard but she does not know the answers and she does not know the words until, one day, she is handed a bag of crayons, a sheet of paper and given a single instruction.
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Guessmyname said:
Inoichi has words with her, sometimes. The worst nights; he sits by her bedside, lets her cry ugly tears into his floral pyjamas, stays and talks with her as she sketches and inks out the scenes. It is Inoichi who first hands her a kunai.
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Guessmyname said:
She whispers it at night, confesses it into Inoichi's calm embrace. He brushes a hand through her hair, lets her cry out into his pyjama shirt of daffodils and marigolds. He tells her it's okay.
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Here you are a few examples describing/telling what has happened (telling) instead of actually letting us see it happening through actions and dialogue. Here is an example of how a "show" might happen if rewritten from that last quote above. So it could go something like this:

"It's like they have no idea," Sakura whispered into his embrace, a hollow pain in her chest. "They are all just going to die, aren't they?"

"No of course not," replied Inoichi, his voice calm and soothing. "They're just learning. Their teachers will make sure they're ready when the time comes."

That didn't make sense to Sakura. "Why are they teaching them wrong then?" She insisted. "They've only got the one life."

"They're not teaching them wrong," Inocihi replied patiently. "It's just the way things need to happen for them, for now. Not many children are as unique as you, Sakura."

Unique? What was there about her that was unique? The blood and the death that happened when your insides exploded out when something got you would happen to everyone, not only to her. Sakura still didn't understand, but declined to voice it again and instead enjoyed Inoichi's warm embrace. She knew that it wouldn't be well received anyway.

So here, we actually get to see the interaction play out between the two characters (show) instead of being informed that it happened (tell). In general, "show" is more engaging and personal but tends to take longer to write and usually involves a lot of dialogue. "Tell" is in general a faster way to get your point across but it lacks the same personal and emotional impact. Many writers like to mix both, reserving the "show" style for more important or emotional scenes and do the "tell" to more easily and quickly move the story along when there isn't anything particularly significant that is happening.

Hope that was at least of some small help clarifying the issue :wink:
 
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SixPerfections said:
Honestly? Most of the story sort-of reads like that. It reads just fine in chapter 1 where it feels like you're speeding to catch us up to where we want the story to start so you "tell" us about everything that has happened. So, for example:


Here you are a few examples describing/telling what has happened (telling) instead of actually letting us see it happening through actions and dialogue. Here is an example of how a "show" might happen if rewritten from that last quote above. So it could go something like this:

"It's like they have no idea," Sakura whispered into his embrace, a hollow pain in her chest. "They are all just going to die, aren't they?"

"No of course not," replied Inoichi, his voice calm and soothing. "They're just learning. Their teachers will make sure they're ready when the time comes."

That didn't make sense to Sakura. "Why are they teaching them wrong then?" She insisted. "They've only got the one life."

"They're not teaching them wrong," Inocihi replied patiently. "It's just the way things need to happen for them, for now. Not many children are as unique as you, Sakura."

Unique? What was there about her that was unique? The blood and the death that happened when your insides exploded out when something got you would happen to everyone, not only to her. Sakura still didn't understand, but declined to voice it again and instead enjoyed Inoichi's warm embrace. She knew that it wouldn't be well received anyway.

So here, we actually get to see the interaction play out between the two characters (show) instead of being informed that it happened (tell). In general, "show" is more engaging and personal but tends to take longer to write and usually involves a lot of dialogue. "Tell" is in general a faster way to get your point across but it lacks the same personal and emotional impact. Many writers like to mix both, reserving the "show" style for more important or emotional scenes and do the "tell" to more easily and quickly move the story along when there isn't anything particularly significant that is happening.

Hope that was at least of some small help clarifying the issue :wink:
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Aah, I get it. That clarifies a lot but... yeah, it's one of those style-choice things there. Part of the dreamlike quality to the writing is how it keeps jumping about from scene to scene, which in turn means each scene needs to be fairly short and self-contained; a lot of dreams and memory will focus in on certain details whilst scrubbing right over others (the difference between 'I remember having a conversation about x' and remembering the entire conversation line by line about x), and lacking detail is critical to the sense of ambiguity I'm trying to maintain.

Plus it keeps the pace nice and brisk, which is always fun. Words are time, for everyone involved.

I've tried to be circumspect around a lot of details in this fic - The Danzo Question being the obvious example, or exactly what happened in Wave - so hearing I was telling more than showing was a little alarming.

Sakura just summarizing conversations is one of those things I can't really... fix too easily.
 
Guessmyname said:
Sakura just summarizing conversations is one of those things I can't really... fix too easily.
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Could try throwing in more chapters from other characters perspectives. Gives context to contrast Sakura from the rest of the setting, and you can have a shifted tone to match the different perspective, in turn making Sakura chapters more surreal without changing them at all
 
Guessmyname said:
Aah, I get it. That clarifies a lot but... yeah, it's one of those style-choice things there. Part of the dreamlike quality to the writing is how it keeps jumping about from scene to scene, which in turn means each scene needs to be fairly short and self-contained; a lot of dreams and memory will focus in on certain details whilst scrubbing right over others (the difference between 'I remember having a conversation about x' and remembering the entire conversation line by line about x), and lacking detail is critical to the sense of ambiguity I'm trying to maintain.

Plus it keeps the pace nice and brisk, which is always fun. Words are time, for everyone involved.

I've tried to be circumspect around a lot of details in this fic - The Danzo Question being the obvious example, or exactly what happened in Wave - so hearing I was telling more than showing was a little alarming.

Sakura just summarizing conversations is one of those things I can't really... fix too easily.
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Honestly that was my impression reading the story. That the limited, ambiguoous narrative gives this story it's flavor? I like it.
 
To be clear, the story is still fine as is especially if it's kept short. Whether events in the story lead to Sakura, and therefore the writing to more clarity in some form, or if the story maintains an accelerated pace to quickly wrap things up, keeping this vibe can absolutely work for a story.

I'm definitely enjoying it, going to keep reading.
 
While Danzo had extra eyes to see better, since they weren't lining his brain he might have fucked up in new and interesting ways!

Probably some form of madness, given that everything was locked away under the Yamanaka protection and care and they are all about the mind.
 
Can't wait to see Madara's reaction when he is revived.

Madara: Why is everything covered in blood? I only just got here.
 
sdarian said:
While Danzo had extra eyes to see better, since they weren't lining his brain he might have fucked up in new and interesting ways!

Probably some form of madness, given that everything was locked away under the Yamanaka protection and care and they are all about the mind.
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There was also a face on that arm. They might not have been on his brain but there's nothing stopping that from putting them on somethings brain.
 
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