Lost on the Road of Life (An AU Naruto Quest)

The Shipwreck seemed to consider the words for a moment.

"Sorry," the ninja grunted out. His voice was a millstone grinding wheat. "I don't think that's good enough for me."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the Lost Star screamed.

"OH NO, OH NO OH NO!" the Mud Frog shouted.

"QUICKLY, GHOST! SAY SOMETHING!" the Carpenter Queen yelled.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"ALRIGHT, LOOKS LIKE IT'S UP TO ME." the Mud Frog said. "HYAAAAH!"

The gods screamed incoherently from the wreckage of the shelving. There was one lone statuette still upright on the quarter-shelf that remained, and it quickly tumbled down onto the floor. It bounced and rolled, skittering underneath the Shipwreck's foot as the giant stepped forward in his pursuit of violence. There was a splintering crunch, as if a priceless and irreplaceable object had shattered itself into a million pieces, and the Mud Frog's voice went silent.

Not even the gods can help me now, it seems. Sugiyama thought.

"Nothing personal." The Shipwreck stepped forward, raising his giant sword into the air—

I wonder what it was that I had forgotten? That they called on me to remember? I suppose it's a mystery I won't uncover in this life.

Sugiyama closed their eyes as the sword came down.

Perhaps I'll figure it out in the next one.





Shizuka kept running south while Kakashi had his eye glued on the giant flying bee.

"Alright," Kakashi said. "That thing is way too fast for us to outrun it in this state. I think we should try to attack it before it or the rider spots us and chases us down. That way at least we engage on our own terms."

"Most of my skills are best suited for stealth assassination and exfiltration," Shizuka said. "I have one useful Wind technique that might keep it at bay for a few moments, but it would absolutely give away our position and alert the monster or its rider to our presence. Obviously, it would have to be timed well with your long range attack jutsu."

Kakashi thought about that. "That Jinraku guy—or demon, spirit, shapeshifter, whatever he or it is—has got a hell of a throw. I don't know about letting him get close, and that bug looks nasty."

"The wind technique will make the air currents in the region it's cast incredibly turbulent. It should hamper the two of them enough, as well as any thrown weapons. It grants me a modicum of control over the turbulent regions, so I can direct them away from our attacks. Your lightning jutsu will pass through unaffected as well, but any strong fire jutsu cast in the area will likely end the technique."

Hmmm, there's an idea.

"Okay," Kakashi said. "How about this: we find a tree top for me to aim and fire off my jutsu from, you set that wind element technique up after getting me up there. I'll fire it off when you do so. If they fall to the ground a mile away, then we're done and we fuck off. If not… they'll come screaming our way, you try to blow them up, I'll pop off another Radiant Bolt, and then once they're in the wind jutsu I'll pop a Fire Dragon Bullet in their face. That's going to leave me exhausted, so you clean up from range while they're tumbling down from the sky. Sounds good?"

"And supposing none of that proves effective?" Shizuka asked. "What then?"

Well then we might both be dead or at the mercy of this cult leader maybe-demon maniac, Kakashi thought.

"I have something I can use as a last resort option," Kakashi volunteered. "But it will only effect me, and it'll leave me safe but incapacitated for a few hours. If I have to use that, then…Well, just leave me and don't stop running until you're safe, I guess. I'll figure something out, I always do."

Shizuka didn't respond to that.

Good, because the emergency backup plan's emergency backup plan is still a work in progress.

"There's a rocky hill coming up to our right," Shizuka said. "That'll have to do for your perch."





Kakashi tracked the movement of the giant flying insect and its rider as it approached. The thing was massive, maybe about thirty feet from head to tail, which put it at roughly the size of some of the giant-sized summons that he'd seen. It was probably a tamed chakra beast of some sort, maybe one that was somehow weirdly integrated into the Sasu Clan's bloodline abilities or secret clan techniques.

The beast was moving south, but in an eerie alternating motion that drifted east to west by a wide margin. It was clear to him that they were looking for Kakashi and Shizuka, and he thought he saw the midday sun reflect off of the rider's head—probably Jinraku with his shaved head. There was no one else on the insect, despite its size allowing for several other ninja to stand comfortably atop the thing, which was somewhat strange. Kakashi spent a few fractions of a second contemplating the motives behind that, before he decided that they wouldn't help him in the current situation.

The giant bee reached the edge of its swaying side-to-side arc and started coming back towards Kakashi's position.

There.

Kakashi's hand blurred through the hand seals for Radiant Bolt, and he opened up Obito's eye to get the best shot he possibly could. Around the same time, a large gust of wind rocketed through the craggy hilltop, and he adjusted his footing somewhat. Actually spending some time aiming at the thing meant that it was going to be closer than he would have liked it to be, but it also meant he could save some chakra on Radiant Bolt since it wasn't as long of a distance.

"Radiant Bolt!" Kakashi shouted. He thrust out his hands and a bolt of lightning sung forth from them and thundered across the sky, heading to the spot where the Sharingan predicted the giant beast would likely be a fraction of a second from now. Kakashi staggered as a wave of chakra exhaustion hit him.

Lightning slammed into the creature.

It hit the creature directly in the middle portion of its body, the thorax. It dipped in flight for a moment as it seized up, before the wings started up again. At first they were fluttering, and the creature was wavering, only barely hovering for a moment, but then it straightened out. The creature seemed injured, but didn't fall dramatically from the sky.

Damn.

Kakashi blinked his eye quickly as his vision went slightly blurry.

Kakashi saw Jinraku on its back, pointing towards them…

And the bug screamed through the air at them, covering what must have been a kilometer of distance in seconds. Its forward flight was slowed almost to a halt by a knotted pile of air currents, tendrils of wind natured chakra that thickened and pushed and howled at the thing. It bucked violently at the sudden resistance, and Jinraku put an arm against its back to steady himself, but during the forward motion the man drew forth his other hand and—

"SHIT," Kakashi screamed, as the Sharingan told him what was about to happen. He threw himself violently off of the topmost rock of the hill as a trio of shuriken shot through the air and sliced right through where his torso was a split-second ago.

A kunai with an attached explosive sailed upwards out of the tree-line, as Shizuka returned fire.

The giant bee monster struggled to move, but the wicked fast mount was too slow to dodge, its thin membranous wings were at a massive disadvantage moving through strong and chaotic currents of chakra-laden air. Even from a hundred feet away, Kakashi could hear the strained buzzing of its wings as they worked to move the giant chakra beast away from Shizuka's attack.

The kunai pierced it in the abdomen and the explosive tag went off. The smoke from the blast of concussive force was diluted by Shizuka's wind jutsu, clogging up the field of view for a moment.

Yeah! Kakashi screamed in his head, mid-roll. Eat shit, giant terrifying bee thing!

Why do I still hear buzzing sounds?

The smoke cleared almost as quickly as it came and his heart sank.

The giant bee was still flying. It looked like it was barely hanging on, but it was still alive.

He was three quarters done with his defensive maneuver when he ripped more chakra from his already strained coils and began the seven hand seals for the Fire Dragon Bullet. Kakashi tucked his legs underneath him, closed Obito's eye to conserve the last chakra that he had to spare, and he landed on his feet. He barely managed to stick the landing and spring upwards without awkwardly skidding across the dirt and grass.

Come on, come on. Just like in Snow, just use the pointers Fugaku taught you.

"Fire Element: Fire Dragon Bullet!" Kakashi screamed. The signature fire jutsu of the Uchiha Clan Head torched through the air as he gave it just the right amount of exhaled breath. The dragon's head shot into the wind jutsu containing the creature—Kakashi had hoped that Shizuka had moved before the jutsu turned the air and the wooded ground beneath it into a blazing inferno—and smashed directly into the bee.

Moments before the attack landed, Jinraku leapt straight up into the air with enough force to knock the bee downwards several feet.

The Fire Dragon Bullet technique burned the insect's corpse to a crisp, but the rider plummeted through the air. Kakashi saw that he was fiddling with something on his back…

A blast of brain fog and dizziness slammed into his mind as the severity of the chakra exhaustion started taking its toll.

I'm done, Kakashi thought. That's all I got.

Kakashi stumbled down towards where he thought Shizuka might be, palming a single seal in his right hand and activating the air storage seal that he had put underneath his mask.

Jiraiya had instructed him to activate it as a last resort. The Toad Sage had been overly mysterious about what exactly it would do, only that he'd be incapacitated for several hours after using it, but that it should protect him from reasonable amounts of harm in that time frame, and that he might want to take a couple deep breaths first.

Kakashi arrived at the base of the hill where Shizuka was standing, a few feet from the inferno. She was going through hand seals.

"Wind Element: Chartreuse Gale Barrier!"

The torrents of wind picked up again, whipping back and forth around them, pushing aside the smoke of the burgeoning forest fire that the Fire Dragon Bullet had left in its wake. Kakashi and Shizuka were staring at the sky, tracking Jinraku as he tumbled through the air and landed not thirty feet in front of them. He rolled upon impact, coming up on two shaky limbs. One leg was bent at an odd angle, and looked particularly unsteady. A swarm of bees were pouring out of some sort of container the man had strapped to his back.

That fall hurt him, Kakashi observed. That was a little strange. Most jounin would be able to take a smaller fall like that without much trouble.

"You are not a ninja," Shizuka said. "Any sane ninja would have been able to reduce some of the damage of that fall with the Substitution Technique. I have not seen you cast a single ninjutsu, or do anything other than throw a kunai. So, are you truly some sort of shapeshifting spirit taking this man's guise? For what purpose?"

Jinraku cocked his head and replied in an echoing voice that seemed to resonate across the treeline. "I am contracted to behave as the late lord would, within my limitations. Thus was our bargain."

Kakashi shivered. Huh, so I guess that settles it.

Kakashi had some questions to ask himself, but he was too winded to speak. He also didn't really care that much at the end of the day. Kakashi readied himself to dodge, or to activate Jiraiya's seal.

Jinraku thrust his hand forward and the cloud of bees converged on Shizuka, or at least they attempted to. They shot forward, but were soon blown away. At the same time, Jinraku drew a kunai from the holster on his hip and hurled it at her head. The blade flew through the whirlwind and thunked weakly off of a log that appeared with a puff of smoke.

A different kunai sunk into Jinraku's gut and blew up. Jinraku's right side exploded into a pile of sizzling black gore and he collapsed to the ground. It was somewhat similar in shape and form to the smoking remains of the spirit that they had encountered in the office.

Ew.

The wind died down. Shizuka leapt down from the treetops and approached the dying spirit (or was it more of a demon?).

"So you are a shapeshifter of some sort," Shizuka said. "Why not just turn into a crow and fly down? Why fall at all?"

"I am contracted to behave as the late lord would, within my limitations. Thus was our bargain."

The dying being gestured with a hand, and soon she was covered in dozens and dozens of angry stinging bees.

Shit. Bees again.

Kakashi tried to think of a way to help without putting himself in harm's way, but he couldn't. He tried to walk forward to help in spite of that, but his head swam and he veered off to the side drunkenly. He crumpled to the ground helplessly, and that's when he heard a sound.

The normally reserved Shizuka was…

...laughing?

"My father is the Legendary Salamander," Shizuka said, holding up a hand to cover her eyes. "You'll have to do better than insect venom to hurt me."

Another kunai lanced through the man's throat.

Huh, Kakashi thought. That explains some things.

Kakashi tried to get back up, but the absolute nightmare of a day was finally catching up to him, and he found that he barely had the strength to move.






Zabuza raised the Executioner's Blade into the air, ready to cut down the shinobi in front of him with a single swing. It was important to get the beheading done right on the first strike. If he went around beheading people improperly left and right, he'd hear no fucking end of it when he finally met his master in the Pure Lands.

"What sort of weak little cunt can't behead a helpless ninja with one blow? Didn't I teach you better than that, boy?" Zabuza thought. He snorted. I can almost hear the bastard now.

Zabuza stepped forward and swung his blade down, aiming for the fortuneteller's neck.

WAIT!

Zabuza flexed and stopped his cut short. The Executioner's Blade was balanced a hair's breadth away from the tiny ninja's neck.

We should leave this one alone, his sword told him.

The fuck? The sword had never once advocated against killing another living being, that he could recall. He generally had to ignore its screaming, since the damned thing would hardly stop howling for blood while he was holding it.

"What?" he asked the blade. "Why?"

I made a deal with the frog, the sword explained patiently. Besides, I think there's someone else coming in from the street. They seem strong, maybe you can kill them and feed me their blood?

Zabuza gave his sword an incredulous look. "What the fuck are you on about now?" He turned to the front door. "Kid, is there someone out there?"

"Uhhh, yeah, she's walking up now, she looks pretty—"

"Out of the way, brat! I have shit to do today."

Zabuza readied the Executioner's Blade into an all-purpose stance as the door slammed open and Tsunade of the Legendary Three strode through the door. The legendary ninja spared him a quick glance, let out an incredibly haughty snort, and then walked right past him. She jabbed an index finger into the fortune teller's shirt.

"You." Tsunade growled. "You're the only herbalist worth a damn left in town, or so they all tell me. I have a laundry list of shit that I need to do, and as of ten seconds ago, your afternoon just freed itself up to help me with that."

Zabuza eyed the door. He could probably make it out alive if he just went through the wall, but that might slow him down...

The fortune teller opened his… her(?)… their eyes and considered Tsunade with a measured expression.

"I would gladly assist you, honored ninja," they said. "For what purpose do you require medical aid? Are you in need of some bone setting? Has a relative come down with the pox? Or is it—"

Tsunade gave a short laugh, reached into her flak jacket, and threw a crumpled up wad of paper at the fortune teller.

"I don't need your medical help for shit, but I do need everything on that list and then some," Tsunade said. "Let's go, chop chop. I have a hospital to get back to, a sensei to scold for giving shitty orders, and two lazy teammates to scream at for not being available to do his fucking shopping instead."

Zabuza took a careful step towards the door. Then another. He reached back to place the Executioner's Blade onto its holster—

"You, Mist brat," Tsunade growled. "Where do you think you're going?"

Zabuza froze and prepared to burn an absolutely insane amount of chakra.

Shit shit shit shit shit, he thought.

"It's not my job to spank you today, but I'll gladly mail your corpse back to that scrawny Mizukage to collect the bounty on your head. I spend my money on charity, drinking my ass to sleep, and gambling myself into a deep hole in the ground. Do you have a fucking preference on what I should use the bounty for, or are you going to get outta town so fast that I'll have to update your bingo book entry with space-time bullshit?"

The wall exploded into shrapnel as Zabuza ran out the other side of it, as easily as if it was made of rice paper and dry leaves.

Zabuza took a hard right turn from the front of the fortuneteller's cramped abode, and booked it. He caught the Nishikigoi kid by the backpack, hoisting him up in his left hand like a mother cat would a kitten.

"Ow, what are you doing? Ow! Put me down!"

"Shut up," Zabuza grunted. He shook off a couple splinters. "It's good for your physical endurance. Get ready to land on your feet."

There was a shop at the end of the street corner in between the street and the exterior wall. Zabuza quickly calculated the trajectory, before lobbing the kid on a soaring arc over the building and over the thirty foot wall behind it. He pulled out the Executioner's Blade and focused.

Zabuza blasted straight through the building in a burst of speed, straight through the stone wall behind it, and kept on going, leaving a cloud of dust and debris in his wake. He blinked some dust and wiped a syrupy substance out of his left eye— some sort of sweetened carrots, or so he guessed from the smell. The people in that place were probably having dinner.

Awww, you should've fought that lady, his sword complained.

"Fuck that," Zabuza scoffed. "It'd be quicker and easier to just run myself through."

He put the sword away as the fish kid tumbled to the ground next to him, swearing up a tsunami. Zabuza reached over mid-run and picked him back up.

"Fuck!" the kid yelled. "For ocean's sake, you sadistic—"

Zabuza ignored him. He idly hoped that Tsunade of the Legendary Three couldn't track them down by sniffing out the kid's broken bones, or some other crazy shit like that.

"Kids these days," Zabuza groused. "Skin made out of armored scales, but bones made out of tofu and muscles out of seaweed? You're lucky I don't make you walk."






Kakashi woke up to the smell of burning incense. It was a familiar scent, a mix of lavender, jasmine, and some sort of citrus fruit he couldn't quite place, but it was slightly off putting to him that it wasn't accompanied by the signature smell of Sugiyama's acrid pipe smoke.

"It appears that he is getting ready to awaken," Sugiyama said. "I will be right back."

Footsteps echoed softly.

Kakashi opened his eye blearily and looked around. He was in the back room of what appeared to be Sugiyama's old house, resting on a small makeshift bed. Shizuka sat in the corner of the room, staring at the curtains draped over the room's entrance way with an incredibly stressed look on her face, as if she was expecting Jinraku's giant bee monster to fly through the fabric at any moment.

She must have carried me the rest of the way to Yahashibetsu, Kakashi thought. He shifted slightly, and Shizuka looked at him. Her lips were pressed tightly and her eyes were so wide open that he could clearly make out the whites from across the room. Was that sweat beading on her forehead? It's chilly here. Do I have a fever?

Kakashi reached up to try to feel his own temperature, and his hand brushed against something unfamiliar clasped against his face.

Shizuka's breathing mask? Why is that on me? Did I get poisoned on the way somehow, or was it to help disguise me while going through town or something like that?

Kakashi reached to unclasp it, but Shizuka made an incredibly sharp gesture and he looked back up to her. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at Shizuka. She raised a very shaky index finger to her lips and nodded towards the curtains that led to the front of the house.

Kakashi heard footsteps and his eye darted over to the curtains. Sugiyama probably. I hope they haven't been going crazy since I've been gone. Did they ever hire that mercenary?

"Alright, how much do I owe you for yesterday?" an incredibly familiar voice echoed from the front of Sugiyama's house.

Kakashi's hair stood on end.

That was…

"There will be no charge," Sugiyama said. "Please consider it a charitable donation to your work, Honored Healer. Though if you would like your fortune read, I would be happy to oblige for a small fee."

"Heh, no thanks," Tsunade responded. "I know what that's going to come out to be. Want something for the wall? Sorry that I scared that Mist brat into fucking off right into it, but I figured he was up to no good in here anyway."

"That would be helpful, thank you."

Kakashi held his breath.

What is she doing here? Does she know I'm here? Maybe she'll just leave.

Kakashi was spent on chakra, and he was going to be bedridden for days, and even after that any strenuous use of jutsu or the Sharingan or chakra enhanced physical abilities would just worsen his injuries, just like it had after Snow.

There was nothing he could do. Absolutely nothing.

"What was that bastard badgering you for anyway?" Tsunade asked. "Refused to do some medical work for him, or did you try to skimp him out of some money with a palm reading?"

"The portents of the future are not cheaply read," Sugiyama said. Kakashi recognized a slightly miffed tone of voice that indicated that the Demon ninja felt ever-so-slightly insulted by the implication. "But the Shipwreck and his Lost Shark seemed to be here looking for the one known as the Copy Ninja, Hatake Kakashi."

WHAT? WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?

"… is that so?" Tsunade said. Steel was creeping into her voice. "Why would they be asking you about that?"

Kakashi felt his body coat itself with sweat. Shizuka looked like her soul was going to escape and float out of her ears.

"He was here approximately six months ago. I read his fortune, and he attempted to hire me on a long-term basis, but I wasn't able to accompany him in the end. A shame, since the money was quite good."

What? Kakashi thought. He didn't understand what was going on. Why would anyone believe that? It was probably common knowledge by now that—

"Huh," Tsunade said. "Well, thanks. We have little intelligence of what that brat's been up to since he left Snow. You sure you don't know anything else? You were talking to folks in the back a moment ago? Anyone back there I should know about?"

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

He tried to think of a way out, but his brain refused to work.

Kakashi pulled the bed sheets up over his head.

Please let her go, please let her go, please please please.

"No, I am sorry, but that is all I know. I have some clients back there, but they are unrelated to the earlier affair, honored ninja. Some individuals are looking to get in touch with me from Demon Country, with news from a mutual acquaintance. I have nowhere else to put them up. Guests, you see."

Please please please please.


"...Alright," Tsunade said. "Well, I have shit to do. Try to stay clear of murderous missing-nin in the future. It's bad for your health."

"I will certainly take the Honored Healer's words into consideration."

Kakashi heard footsteps fade into the distance.

Is she gone?

Kakashi and Shizuka waited in agonizing silence for several minutes. Listening. Waiting.

The only thing Kakashi heard was the gentle clinking and clanking of Sugiyama fussing about with things in the other room.

I'll take giant man-eating bugs and memory-eating spirits over a close encounter with Tsunade any day of the week.

Kakashi swore an oath internally that he would never, ever swear by Tsunade's giant breasts ever again.

After several more minutes, Sugiyama opened up the curtains to the back room.

"Now," Sugiyama said, addressing Shizuka. "What can I do for you and your companion? You say that you are both friends of the Mantis Summoner over in Demon Country, and your words seem to imply that you had some familiarity with me, but I can't recall meeting either of you in the past."

Kakashi gasped in surprise, the gasp turning into a slight coughing fit. Eyes in the room turned to him. Eventually he got his lungs under control and managed to find his voice.

"Do you…" Kakashi began. "Do you not remember…?"

Something clicked in his head and he trailed off, his confusion replaced by an exponentially increasing sense of dread.

We were inside the memory erasing effect too.

...

...

...

"I'm sorry, you were saying something?" Sugiyama asked patiently.

Kakashi turned to Sugiyama. He was at a complete loss.

What could I even say?

---

Voting time! What do you do now?

Here are some options to get you started.

[ ] Explain the occurrences of the last few months, factually, with emphasis on what happened to you in Honey (point to your notes and the journal you took). Sugiyama might be able to piece things together given your full account of what was going on with the Sasu clan.
[ ] Explain things. Suggest that they do some divinations and use the results to see if you are telling the truth.
[ ] Explain things. Kagato! Even if his memories of you were tampered with too, maybe the summoner soul-bond thing is still there! You could maybe use that as convincing evidence, but you'd need to get in contact with him...
[ ] Remain silent on your shared past and request some medical aid. Perhaps it's for the better. Though didn't Tsunade say something about some Mist nin looking for you here…?
[ ] (Write-in)


Remember, we use approval voting, so you can vote for as many plans as you like. Feel free to ping @Paperclipped or @MMKII to ask setting or detail questions that Kakashi could plausibly know.

Voting is open, and closes at 5pm PST time, Wednesday June 8.