The expression 'hard to describe' always sounded like bullshit. Yet, staring at his cold and silent corpse, there were no words that could properly express the feelings bubbling up. For some reason, my chest felt constricted, as if weighted down by a thousand tons. Biting my lips, a sneer fled my lips in a final expression of derision. He was dead. Finally. However, instead of happiness, everything felt like shit. After all the effort and pain, after falling so many times and getting back up again, it was not my hands that had taken his life, but someone else's hands in a land I knew nothing about. It felt odd, hard to believe, stupid… but above all, what bothered me the most, was the anger.
He did not have the right to die to another's hand. His life, since the days long past when he had sold me, belonged to me - his firstborn daughter.
Watching their expression it was easy too see everyone had their own thoughts on the matter. That fool of a sister, so innocent, was crying rivers of tears. What a joke. Had it not been because of her marvelous talents she'd had been sold just like me, for that old fool did not have a heart in his rotten chest. That whore, now widowed, seemed frantic, despite her act. It was clear to me that she was worried solely about herself, not sparing a thought for anyone else. It was funny how the notion of going back to where she belonged scared her so much. Finally, those two stupid brothers… they were probably the worst of them.
Teo was loyal to the clan, for sure, and his skill were, admittedly, above the average. But being loyal and being good were not one and the same. Being loyal to the clan meant making the best choices for the sake of it - and obviously, he'd evaluate those choices based on his own standards. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, after all. As for Tet, he was just a crafty bastard, so absolved in proving himself greater and better than Teo, that he had no eyes for anything else. He wasn't that different from
his father.
If anyone deserved the seat of leader, it was me. That man
owes me that, no matter if he is dead. Since his life had been claimed by another, then his lifelong work would suffice. And when I managed to bring it to heights he could never imagined, then I'd desecrate his grave and scorn in the face of his dead body. The daughter he thought oh, so precious; his firstborn son he treated as a heir for his whole life; the grinding stone he pitched his firstborn against, and the woman he brought from god knows where… they would all grovel at my feet.
[…]
"You think you are in charge now?" Teokuitlatlkopilli was a joke if he believed in that. And I'd been even more so if I allowed him to be. "I am the only real fighter in the clan. You need me."
The sight of him sighing made me grit my teeth. What was that concerned, troubled face he put on? Don't fuck with me.
"You're right, we need you. Your strength would be a great asset to the clan, and for what it's worth I think the Great Patriarch was wrong to keep you so far from the family." Yeah, right. As if that was true. My life, my dead, my suffering, my efforts… they never mattered. To you, and to him. That was why none of you ever tried to bring me back, that was why there never a single letter sent. "But if you're demanding full control like our honored father had, then we might as well disband the clan here and now. I cannot conceive of a swifter path to destruction than submitting to your leadership. You know nothing of business."
I couldn't see my face, but I was sure I was smirking. It did not take a genius to know which was the correct choice for a new leader in his eyes - he, himself. He had always been a smartypants, thinking he knew more about the world than everyone else. That was why he'd called me here. To use me. Just like that detestable father of his.
But what did Teokuitlatlkopilli know of the world? Any who believed words were heavier that fists was sorely wrong. There is no ploy nor scheme that cannot be broken by absolute power. Someone who had lived their whole lives behind a desk, looking through books and spreadsheets did not know of the true dangers of the world. Above all, someone so conservative that had spent such a long time without walking 'that deciding step' on their cultivation…
"…As soon as you have something worth having, someone stronger will stroll by, smash your face, and now they have it." That was natural in this world, as natural as it was for fishes to swim. "Here, I'll show you!"
The crackling sound of lightning tingled by my ears it an all to familiar orchestra. There was a flash of reminiscence in Chachi's eyes, probably the rumblings of that old fool.
"Not now!" Something boomed against my soul, sending it into a brief daze. With an arched brown, I turned toward the perpetrator. "You dishonor your father." My face scrunched at her words. Being reminded by the blood bond that existed between us always managed to pick the wrong nerves. If she thought she could calm me down that way, she was mistaken. "If you wish to lead this clan, do not begin by wounding your own face."
That sounded… reasonable. Looking around, a few people were already murmuring and pointing fingers. It would bring no good to cause conflict here and now.
What transpired was a joke of the highest degree. It did not matter what, Teo would never recognize me. He acknowledged my fighting strength, he said. I could do anything else other than fight, he augmented. And he couldn't do anything else other than hide behind his desk and look over paperwork, I wanted to utter back. But there was no need, for words would never prove my standpoint. Like smart men can have strong men under their work, so can a strong woman have scholars, researchers and smartypants under her wings.
His argument was, therefore, invalid. It was just another show of scorn, of disgust of the distance between us. It another proof that, in their hearts and this family, I never had a place. But that did not hurt anymore. Or so I wanted to believe.
It was funny, though. When he was pushed down, when my fists rained upon his body, they came in his rescue. It was hard to not growl and scorn, it was hard to look at their eyes. It was hard to breath, to think, to not just go completely wild. What a beautiful family bond they had, helping each other at every turn. Playing the little games, acting like a nice and happy family, and uttering words they did not really man.
If this family was so close, then why was it that no one ever came for me when I needed?
[…]
Their was a fairly rich family, but their house felt cold and estranged. How long been since I last walked through their rooms, jumped through their windows and climbed up those trees? The bedsheets could do nothing about the bitting chilliness that encroached upon one's soul, and ailment that had been with me since the day I had left them behind. Sitting while hugging my knees, I stared blankly at the foreign ceiling of the room assigned to me. That man's words seemed to echo by my ears, as if his ghost was whispering to me.
"Okuillin," he called me by her name, like aways, instead by the endearing title of daughter, "as someone born to this family you have duties, responsibilities to which you must attend." I could remember nodding as he told me those words all those years ago.
"It was thanks to the family and our business that you can wear nice clothes, eat delicious food, and play to your hearts content." I was too young back then to argue against that. "So now, it is time for you to pay back the family for everything it has given you." I had bitten my lips until they bled, but the pain of my flesh being piercing by my teeth fell short of the pain of my heart being torn open by his words and what they entailed.
My body shuddered involuntary as I hugged myself tighter. Since then, I only had myself and my anger. I learned to bare my fangs to my enemies, pay back teeth by teeth, and protect myself from the coldness of the world. Now, they faulted me. I was too wild, too brutal, too cold - a beast, they said. But what choice have they given me? What right do they have to criticize who I have become?
The world was brutal and cold, so cold and brutal I have become. So their sword-words may not pierce my heart, so their literary hammers may not weight on my mind.
They may not accept me, they may not want me back, they may despise me, scorn me, mock me, hate me…
but I will make this family mine.
[…]
The crackling black lightning was my only friend. Through the bitter and torturous training in the sect, through the nights where I cried myself to sleep, through the long and arduous battles, through the life and death crises… it was the only thing I could always rely on, for it was a part of myself. It was comical, though, that I had chosen it for him. Back in those days when I still believed he loved me, that one day he would come to take me back, or at least ask for my return… back when I wanted to be of use to him, receive his love and affection. Was a bad joke, really.
Chachi seemed to find me entrance on the ring entertaining. Yes, for this girl who had been sheltered her whole life it was all just like a big play. She knew nothing of the world, even more so than her foolish brothers. Let them think it is a show then, that I am just an actor in a play for them to enjoy. They don't know what it is like to play with death and dance with the devil, they don't know what is to fight with your life on the line and be left beaten black and blue, clinging to a thin thread to your life. Their nice and cozy robes would not offer any protection against the sharp point of my spear, nor against the vicious fangs of the beasts that walked on this land.
With her own goals, Chachi made her own show. She seemed to want to impress, easily doing so with all her wondrous talent. The talent the father she glorified had loved so much. For her, things had always been easy. She did not know what it felt like to be at the bottom, to crawl with bleeding fingers through an endless stairway you could not see the end. She was more than perfect, in more ways than one, and she'd never know what it felt like to be me. As for me, I will wonder for the rest of my life what it is like to be her - loved, talented, sheltered and protect from the rain and the storm.
But I don't need to be Chachi. I don't need the Heaven's Blessing. I will carve my own way without any of that bullshit, and they will accept me, or grovel before me.
That was why I had to dance with her. However, different from that old hobby from the days now long forgotten, our dance was one of saber and spear - of bodies intertwining in a brutal dance as each dancer stacked their all to claim the other's life. It did not come as a surprise that Chachi lacked combat experience, she was a little princess until just earlier, after all. But that was something her talent covered perfectly, moreover, as we clashed time and time again, realization dawned upon me like a bolt from the blue - Chachi was already beyond my reach.
As the black bolts of lightning came flying in my direction, like thunder snakes trying to devour my body and destroy my spirit, there was an odd feeling that spread from the deepest parts of my heart. It was not sorrow, nor was it self-pity or self-loathing; it also wasn't desperation, or jealousy. No, it wasn't anything ugly like that. Instead, at the face of an opponent that had trodden that step before me, that had blocked me of taking their family by storm, there was feeling of… liberation.
[…]
Wearing the blue robe felt awkward, for I did not like people seeing me out of armor. In the Sect, no one cared about the underdogs. Without a family to give me provisions and send me resources, I had to crawl and beg, and survive any way I could. My talent was average, at best, and the first years in the Blue River Sect were were spent in malnourishment, and they charged me a price. I was small, thin, and lacked any muscles. Completely different from the valiant image I once had in my dreams. However, if there was something that felt even more awkward, then it was talking with Chalchiuhxochitl, yes, no pet-names this time.
This sister that I had rarely seen through my life was a bit different from the monsters I used to know - namely my brothers and their father. Her eyes were unlike their, bright, in a sense, naive, in another. Above all, they were not condescending. Confident, maybe. But not arrogant. Perhaps it was because of that, that I ended caught in the flow and chatted with her, even bantering and joking slightly. That was not the usual me.
"So…" The words were caught in my throat, making me squirm in bed and make exaggeratedly long pause. Scratching the nape of me neck, my dubious eyes wandered and met hers. "Look. I got issues, with, the, uh, our dad." The world felt unnatural, and just the mention of it made my heart ache. It made aware, once more, of how weak I was. "But, I guess he's dead, so I can bury the grudge right along with him." It was clear that this family did not belong to me. Not now, not ever. There was no need to keep on fighting for a place that had never been mine.
Nonetheless, there was something I felt the need to say. For no other reason other than respect for the young girl ahead of me. "… Just so you know, both your brothers didn't fall far from that rotten tree. Fucking snakes. They'd drown a baby for his smile and they'd grovel in shit at his frown. I know them, and if they were drowning I'd piss in the river…." As harsh as those words were, they were the truth. The reason of why was different, but neither Teo nor Tet could be trusted. They were assholes, no doubt about it.
"But, I don't know you." My voice faltered slightly. Chalchiuhxochitl was a stranger to me, someone I had hardly interacted with since being sold. Seeing the emotions flashing across her eyes as my words obviously affected her, I felt, for the first time, interested in what someone of this family would do next. In my heart of hearts, maybe I was hoping she could truly break the cage of hate and set me free.
To my surprise, she seemed to not really be different from them. She swooped in at a fast speed, and black lighting immediately cracked around me. But it came as a surprise that, instead of hurting me, she embrace me with an open heart.
Something struck in me throat, and in the end, I could only pat her back while she hugged me tightly.
"I know you've been away and things have been hard. I know you have grudges. Can you please let them lie? I don't know you either, but I know you're my only sister and I'd like to learn more about you. Will you stay for a while?" Her words were sweat and her voice ringed next to my ear softly.
My eyes were not moist, I swear. The warmth of her embrace felt comforting, but above all, scary. Yes, I was afraid. It seemed like all the walls around my heart, the ones that I had painstakingly build during my whole life, were tumbling down, all because of a single gesture of familiar love. I bit my lips and pushed her away, lightly, not wanting to hurt her.
I swallowed hard and scratched the back of my night. Maybe that was becoming an habit. In the end, I did not speak of any promises. I couldn't. I was afraid. Afraid of hurting her, of not being able to stay true to any vows. But, maybe, what scared me the most what the sole thing I pursue my whole life - to be accepted among them.
