Hangar Queens: A Modern Military Mecha Satire

In the interests of getting this out before embarking on a 13-hour flight, I cut a lot of corners on this update. Not as many corners as LockMart tho


PUTIN: PILOT OR PROPAGANDA?

Russian News Agency TASS posted a video on its website featuring President Vladimir Putin piloting one of Russia's newest prototype mechas, reviving the ongoing mystery and speculation into the macho president's secretive past.

The video shows Putin performing a warm-up calibration callisthenics routine inside a hangar whilst wearing a pilot suit, before boarding a Cy-57 mecha painted in the camouflage colours of the Russian Ground Forces. It then cuts to a series of shots that depict the Cy-57 undertaking an assault course at the Borodinovka training ground in Russia's southern region of Rostov-on-Don. The Cy-57 performs various maneuvers, including rocket-assisted boost-jumps and boost-turns, and destroys several targets using sword and cannon, which include mock-ups of American HMMWVs and M1 Abrams tanks. At the end, an electronic billboard lights up, showing that the Cy-57's pilot has achieved an almost-perfect score.

The video promptly went viral on domestic and international social media, receiving over five million total views within forty-eight hours of being posted.

Western analysts have expressed doubts over the video's authenticity, alleging several inconsistencies that suggest it was embellished or even fabricated entirely. "We never see his shots actually hitting the targets," Samantha Howard, a member of the Centre for Strategic and International Studies, a Washington-based think-tank, who specializes in the effects of mechas on international relations, said. "We see him firing, and then the video cuts to the targets being hit. Those shots could have been fired from anywhere or by anyone."

"In any case, it's impossible that Putin could have piloted the mecha," Howard went on to say, "because he's simply too old. It's unheard of for any pilot to retain their QM aptitude past the age of forty. I think it's more likely that Putin was riding along as a passenger, if he was present at all, while an actual pilot carried out the maneuvers."

Asked where he found the time to maintain his QM aptitude and piloting qualifications on top of his presidential duties, Putin replied simply, "I like to stay in shape."


As always, your alarm clock chooses to intrude upon your brain's sovereignty just when things start to get interesting. You try your best to cling to the fleeing vestiges of dream, but it's too late, the kingdom of sleep is getting regime changed and a pro-wakefulness puppet installed.

Your brain's new administration consolidates power and purges the last of the previous regime's supporters, then shows its gratitude to its benefactor by having your hand dart out and stab the alarm clock in the off button.

It's very tempting to hit snooze, but you foil sleep's attempt at a counter-coup and sit up in bed, rubbing your eyes. Captain Tanner swung by yesterday as you were leaving the hangar to inform you that there'd be an important briefing this morning, and it won't do for you to disappoint him by being late – or Taylor.

Somehow, the thought of Taylor being disappointed in you is a much more motivating force.

You work up the willpower to swing your legs out over the side of the bed and stand up. As a mecha pilot, and more importantly as an officer, you benefit from the privilege of having your very own room in H-3 Air Base's male barracks. It's small and barren, with barely enough space for the bed and nightstand, but the privacy it offers you at night is nonetheless welcome.

At least there's an outlet to charge your phone… not that you really have anyone to call.

Yawning, you start to make your bed with drilled motions. The briefing's only at 1000 hours, so there's plenty of time to shower, dress, and eat something. Hopefully breakfast won't be interrupted by rockets again.

As you straighten the pillow, your fingers brush over something small, cold, and hard.

It's a steel bolt screwed halfway into a nut.

You stare at it for a long while, place the pillow back over it, and walk away.


"Following our last sortie, the Syrian Arab Army's offensive has slowed considerably," Taylor once again leads the briefing. "While this has allowed the rebels to regroup and push back the government forces, it also created a vacuum that Islamic State was able to exploit for its own benefit." Markers spring up on the map. "It has used the reprieve to consolidate its hold on numerous towns in Syria's east, many of which it captured in its last major offensive two years ago."

As Tanner and Taylor take turns speaking, you keep stealing glances at Antonia Clarke. She's got her feet up on the seat in front of her, and from time to time she rubs her legs together for some unfathomable reason. It's really distracting, and you wonder if she's doing it deliberately.

"The United States has determined that we must act to contain and neutralize the threat posed by IS before it can spread further. In pursuit of this goal, we will enter Syria and support our regional allies in assaulting and liberating the towns held by IS." Taylor's laser pointer hovers on such a marker. "Our first objective will be to assault and liberate the town of al-Sukhnah in the Homs Governorate, which we will use as a jumping-off point for subsequent operations. Question, Lieutenant Buck."

"Yeah, ma'am," Buck says, lowering his hand. "I realize borders can be a vague and fuzzy concept around here, but I distinctly remember that our squadron's mission was to fight ISIS in Iraq."

"Yes, Lieutenant," Tanner explains patiently, "but now we're fighting ISIS in Syria. It's the same thing, really."

"Coach's right," Hansen nods approvingly. "Hajis here or hajis there, they all get blown up the same."

A scowl of disapproval visibly flashes across Taylor's face. "If I can continue," she says firmly. "Our opponents will be primarily light infantry, with some technical and limited armour and artillery support. Despite their material disadvantages, we expect that they will have fortified al-Sukhnah and will do everything possible to hinder our progress. Ambushes, IEDs, human shields, the lot."

"We might also have to deal with Syrian government forces in the area," Tanner adds. "They shouldn't try to mess with us after we bloodied their nose last time, but you never know, so keep your eyes peeled and make sure they keep their distance."

"Question," Hansen interjects. "The government's fighting the sissies too, right? Why don't we just let them take each other out? Thin their numbers a bit for us."

"Because, Lieutenant Hansen, the Syrian government is guilty of committing multiple human rights violations during the course of this war," Taylor snaps. You've never seen her get angry like this before, and you instinctively lean away from Hansen to avoid any possible association with him. "We are a force for good in the region, and we will not in good conscience even indirectly condone a massacre, no matter what tactical advantage it might give."

"I'm just saying–"

"That's enough, Hansen," Tanner orders, staring him down.

"…Yes, sir."

There's an awkward silence for a moment.

"Let's not lose sight of the main objective, squadron," Taylor continues. "Now then, the tactics for this engagement will be –"


[] A lightning offensive to overrun the enemy.
This option prioritizes speed and initiative, aiming to push ISIS out of the town as fast as possible. This will win the battle quickly, but accidents may happen in the confusion.

[] An encirclement before contracting and crushing the enemy.
This option will guarantee the ISIS garrison's total destruction, at the cost of being slow to execute. This leaves them with plenty of time to do things you may not like.

[] A steady creep to reduce the enemy.
This option will cause ISIS's presence in the town to gradually become untenable, thus forcing them to disperse after taking some casualties. Not the most imaginative path, but somewhat effective nonetheless.

[] Write in a tactic.
You are not yet experienced enough to use write-ins.