TenfoldShields
Lounging on a Hoard of Words
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Damn right you did, but you take that little ball of warmth you can feel in your chest and snuff it out immediately. It's manipulation, plain and simple. Animusphere probably just wants someone to get on your good side after remembering who she pissed off, now that you're armed again. You're too smart for that kind of simple manipulation, too smart to let a little praise go to your head.
"HAH JOKES ON YOU YOU DUMBFUCK, YOU CAN'T TRICK ME. I KNOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT."
"Mmh. He seems nice." You're not really sure what to say, and a part of you is bubbling with a little jealousy, but you stamp it down. Not the time or the place. "You both recognised me."
this man in 9000% abandonment issues and clingy neediness by volume and i love it.
what a disaster.
Seems pretty obvious really. The other two options are overtly self-deprecating and very uh... kneekjerk reactions, if that's the right phrase to use? This is the only one that has Ed actually think about things beyond the surface level, linking the idea of taking up the shield to protect people with the idea that his whole job is, in his mind, to protect people as well. If this is what he chose to do because he wants to do it, it stands to reason he should choose to do it again for the same reason, right?
Honestly I think I have to dissent here, 'cause to me it's more...Edward to an extent is just a nested doll of abandonment issues, attachment issues, and borderline arrogance matched to apocalyptically low self esteem. With a generous helping of guilt, self-and-external-loathing, and contempt seasoned on top of it all. He's kind of riffing on some of the same like- the same problem Shirou has in a sense. The idea that wanting to save people means that people need to first be in danger, to require saving. Edward wants to save people but it's up in the air how much of that is just because he's not a complete bastard and how much of that is because it's one of the few ways he can milk a few shots of dopamine out of his brain. It's one of the contradictions that underlies all his everything and- honestly Edward himself being made up of impressive contradictions and low-grade background radiation hypocrisy all being held together by a profound tension.
And at the root of it is just...fear, I think. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being alone. Fear of never being understood. Fear of being understood. Fear that people will see him and it won't be a grand rejection or nakedly unfair disdain or aristocratic condescension but a kinda "actually you're kind of just a damaged and morally mediocre person man". Fear of himself, fear of others, fear of people stronger than him, fear for people weaker than him. For all that he's a food processor on two legs Edward is kinda just constantly, tragically, afraid of everything and everyone including himself. He's afraid of dying but he's afraid of living too, so he's kind of just constantly held in this weird purgatory of Enlightened Misery. Above it all but not actually standing for anything. It's kinda telling imo that the same chains that are explicitly, like, often acting as shackles are also the things that hold him together and that he uses to interact with the world and hey they're weapons too.
That's not metaphorically loaded at all.
So with that in mind I think- yeah.
[X] Fear. You'll die if you don't take the shield, you can already see the cracks. You're the first one in the path of what's to come, after all. Without its power, you'll be burnt to nothingness before anyone else. You have to take the shield because you aren't ready to die.
Beneath what he tells himself and what he tells others and what he's constructed for himself after escaping the shadow of his family Edward's still just-
Afraid really. And his first instinct isn't a noble sense of duty or a knightly aspiration, it's just this kind of scarred up panicked animal scrabbling. Living just to live. Surviving just to survive. Trying to squeeze some good feelings out of cerebral tissue along the way but even that's more habit and a half-assed attempt to be a good person than anything.
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