Dragon Harem Quest - Or: Saying You Were Gay Wasn't The Conversation-Ender You Hoped For

"Hey your thing's about to explode," you say, mostly just so you can say that you did. The wizard whirls around and, of course, completely overreacts to discovering that their tower was just broken into by a pair of strange and incredibly handsome men. They fling their arms up in a surprisingly silent 'cry' of surprise, ink spattering from the pen still clutched tight in their hand. Just the distraction their experiment needs to boil completely over, the glass beaker fracturing from base to rim as it all just suddenly explodes.

You raise your arm to shield yourself from the worst of it, heated glass shrapnel bouncing off your scales like pebbles as it goes off with a puff of flame and firework-like crack. Glassware rattles and shakes, papers rustle, there's a heavy thump as the wizard stumbles into the table they were at and suddenly down that goes with the aforementioned wizard along for the ride. Thud goes the heavy wooden thing, papers spilling and flying in every direction, floating to earth like yellowed leaves as the wizard lies stunned and dizzy in a pile of robes and the wreckage of whatever it is they were working on.

"Mm?" You can picture Makram cracking open one disinterested eye behind you all too easily.



"Wizard exploded," you explain.

"Mm, fascinating." You can somehow tell he shut his eyes again right then and there.


(( art by @Camellia ))

The wizard clambers to their feet, dusting down their robes - looks like good cotton, bleached pure white and trimmed in gold. If anything's out of place it's that giant hat, like some kind of crooked leather capstone perched on the wizard's head. They adjust the fit of said askew hat, prodding the brim up high enough that you can see their eyes at last. They're... equally odd. The space between the hat brim and the collar of their robes appears to be nothing but pitch-black shadow, save for a pair of pure white eyes like two blobs of paint. It looks more like something out of a children's book than real life, a dot-eyed wizard caricature that tells the kids that the real magic words are 'please' and 'thank you'. Lying to them early and often, as is the way of things among mortals.

And then instead of do anything sensible like shout at you for breaking into their home the wizard just stares at you. Silent, unmoving, unblinking, as if waiting expectantly for you to explain yourself. It works. You're so unnerved you feel yourself compelled to speak.

"Iiii'm... Eldingar," you say haltingly, gesturing at yourself. You add a wave in Makram's general direction, "and this is Makram. We thought your tower was abandoned, so we came to take all the treasure left in it." You pause. "Okay so that sounds a lot worse than it is, you see-"

At which point the wizard holds up a small wooden sign they can't possibly have been hiding anywhere which reads [Hello! Welcome to the tower There haven't been guests over in a long time!]

You blink twice, inclining your head slightly as if hoping to spy something revealing stuck to the other side of the sign. The wizard mirrors your motion then turns their gaze to the sign, flipping it around as if convinced by your suspicion that there really might be something wrong there.

"Uhhh...?" you make a vaguely quizzical noise.

[Is something the matter?] the wizard 'asks'. Changing signs is as simple as dropping their arm and raising it again. You know you can smell magic in the change-over, just a little whiff of it, but it seems absurdly wasteful even for a wizard with a lot of spare time to have devised a whole-

"You're... mute, aren't you?" you ask.

The wizard nods, raising a new sign. [Yep! Have been ever since I can remember. Which isn't saying much I guess.] Down goes the old sign, up comes the new one. [I think I hit my head really hard in an experiment a while back. A lot of my memories are all fuzzy or jumbled or missing completely.]

Your furrow your brow. "The way I heard about this place, a lot of people were pretty sure the owner of this tower just up and left it. Aaaare they wrong?"

[Oh I'm not the owner! I'm just the apprentice!] The wizard lowers the sign, considering things for a moment before raising the new one. [At least I think so. 75% sure!] [I even made sure to lock up the tower so nobody can get back in before the Master comes home!]

There's a long, pregnant pause as you wait for this weird little wizard to catch up.

"..." The wizard raises a new sign. [Okay maybe I didn't do a very good job.]

"You made the password 'water' when the room was full of water," you say.

[It's not water!] the wizard signs angrily back at you. [It's a very delicate and complicated magical compound that] they swap signs [Look it's a lot to explain and sign-space is limited :[ ]

"I can see that," you say helpfully.

[The point is it was a good riddle and I worked very hard on it! >:[ ] they sign. The angry face is even 'drawn' on appropriately scratchy and sloppy.

"Mm." Sounds like Makram's waking up again. You glance over at him to find the ifrit hovering more or less level with you, cheek half-resting propped up on his palm as he regards the mute wizard. "I wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. So you're a mute?"

[Mhm. Can't make a sound,] they sign in reply. [That's why I invented this signmaking cantrip!] [Sometimes the letters get a bit cramped but it works well!]

"I thought most mortal spellcasting used incantations or something. Or at least some of the spells," you say with a bit of a shrug. "How do you deal with those?"

The wizard is silent for a time. At last, as if having to write it in real-time, they sign back [I'm working on it].

You're hit by a sudden, unexpected stab of guilt as you get the feeling that you essentially just asked 'so how do you deal with stairs?' of a man with no legs. Heavy, awkward silence falls in which you will find no salvation coming. The wizard just keeps staring at you with those big, bright, paintblotch eyes.

"Ssssooo..." you start. "What- sorry, I have a hard enough time telling mortals apart already, are you a man or a woman?"

[Nope!]

Your snout stays open as you try to find a response. Slowly, slowly, it seems to shut all by itself. They've got you there, no arguing with that. You scratch the back of your neck, talons scraping down harder-than-iron scales, but if the noise bothers the wizard they show no sign (har) of displeasure. Makram is still sulking so it's up to you.

[ ] Ask them what they've been up to all this time. Must've had to find a shitload to do if they've been at this ever since their master disappeared.
[ ] Ask them if they'd take a look at the treasure map for you. You're kind of curious to work out the exact what and why of how it works, and who better to tell you than a (quasi) expert?
[ ] Ask about the weird black water, if it's 'not' water and they've been experimenting on it. Does it have anything to do with the capped well you saw outside?
[ ] Ask about the tower's owner. What were they like, what was their deal, where did they go, what did they intended to do, etc etc. Boring small-talk stuff you don't care about.
[ ] Ask about the damn gold already, you've put it off too long and you're starting to get the shakes. The map pointed you to treasure and you won't leave empty-handed.