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The Red Dragon of the bay.

Is this a good Idea? Should I continue this story?

  • Good Idea, Pls Continue.

    Votes: 33 55.9%

  • Bad Idea, Dont continue.

    Votes: 5 8.5%

  • Good Idea but bad grammar. Contitnue

    Votes: 16 27.1%

  • Bad Idea and Bad grammar. Please stahp

    Votes: 3 5.1%

  • Good Idea but bad grammar. don't continue

    Votes: 2 3.4%
  • Total voters
    59
  • Poll closed .
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Am I the only one with Taylor-Fatigue? Not even Naruto fics are as focused on Naruto as Worm fics seems to be on Taylor.
 
Maybe try getting a beta reader. You really need one.
Sophia actually admitting it doesnt seem realistic. Maybe have her deny and shift the blame only for someone else to tell what happened.
 
To be quite honest, the idea is rather interesting. But this entire thing is not presented well and it is horribly rushed. If you are going to continue this, you must rewrite this entire chapter. If you aren't planning on doing so, then don't continue this.

It seems that other people like this. But I find this to be incredibly bad. But that is just my opinion. And even then, I do like the idea behind it.
 
This is pretty sad. The poor author here has a post in and within two hours a couple salty posters managed to force them to take it down for a full rewrite. Before I even got to see the nugget of gold they think was underneath the items they pointed out. Way to scare off potential fics. Instead of just pronouncing judgement, maybe offer up suggestions on where it could improve.

In short, you didn't pay for it so while you are free to comment you are also free to just quietly leave if it isn't your cuppa.

I'm three fics completed on this site and another in the works... If these first couple of posts had hit me when I tried my very first shiny post on the site, no one would have heard another peep out of me for good. Is that what you want? Snuff the budding authors with grammar Nazi reactions.

To the author: Put it back up when you want and put some snubbers on your ignore list. Give the rest of us a look before you decide the response is bad.
 
Here is a brief summary of the first work.

There is a brief mention about DxD sacred gears.
Taylor goes into the locker and dies.
Draig tears apart the locker.
Draig yells about how Taylor is dead. Can't remember if the bully trio gets attacked or not.
Miss Militia shows up.
Tells Draig to give up but he yells back that Taylor is dead.
Miss Militia goes, ok, come with me to the PRT/Protectorate. He agrees.

This all happens in front of Taylor's locker that got torn apart. There is no time skip, it is one sequence of events after another.

Can you please tell me how this doesn't require a rewrite?
 
ScottotheUnwise said:
This is pretty sad. The poor author here has a post in and within two hours a couple salty posters managed to force them to take it down for a full rewrite. Before I even got to see the nugget of gold they think was underneath the items they pointed out. Way to scare off potential fics. Instead of just pronouncing judgement, maybe offer up suggestions on where it could improve.

In short, you didn't pay for it so while you are free to comment you are also free to just quietly leave if it isn't your cuppa.

I'm three fics completed on this site and another in the works... If these first couple of posts had hit me when I tried my very first shiny post on the site, no one would have heard another peep out of me for good. Is that what you want? Snuff the budding authors with grammar Nazi reactions.

To the author: Put it back up when you want and put some snubbers on your ignore list. Give the rest of us a look before you decide the response is bad.
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-It was a pretty good concept, but as several people quite politely pointed out, it felt quite rushed. That the author took it down rather than spoilering it is rather unfortunate, but it really did need some work.
If someone reading your first story post and saying 'Yeah it's pretty good, but you can do better' is enough to drive you off for good, perhaps this isn't the platform for you. Residents of Spacebattles, and by extension Sufficient Velocity are well known for not being shy with criticism.
In short, don't jump down someone's throat for offering honest criticism.
Also, did you happen to look at the poll before you started your rant?-
 
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Tisaku said:
If someone reading your first story post and saying 'Yeah it's pretty good, but you can do better"
Also, did you happen to look at the poll before you started your rant?-
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Poll would make sense if there was anything to vote on. Rant engaged when a mere 3 hours worth in the replies were enough to cause a removal of the first post.

"Must rewrite" as a command is polite?
Call me thin skinned.

Seems like a knee jerk response to new stories lately boils down to: Like your idea, but not how you did it. Rewrite it with no directions on how to improve and we might allow you our next set of criticisms.

Not asking for much really, but can we plz sit on the full negative responses for a bit longer. If the story is dead that is sad. But this feels like it was crushed.
 
Maybe instead of outright killing taylor you can have her meet ddraig in her mindscape or something and make a deal with the dragon to save her life.
Dont rush the story, take your time to set the events in proper order. Review what you wrote and correct any mistakes you find.
I really like the idea so i hope this helped.
 
Rewrite 1?
  • Threadmarks
    • Sacred Gears, are items with powerful abilities bestowed upon humans by the original God from the Bible.

    The original God of the Bible created the Sacred Gears as part of His system to enact miracles on Earth.

    But in this world, that system didn't exist. However, for some reason or chance, a sacred gear which wasn't originally from this dimension made it to this world, after the death of its previous wielder and attached itself to a newborn waiting for it to be used again. It was the only one of its kind in this world and it was beyond powerful.

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


    It was a sometime after her mom Anne Herbert had died in a car accident. She was currently at summer camp. She didn't really have any friends.

    Currently, she was under an oak tree relaxing. Away from everything else when suddenly the world turned black.

    But little did she know her life was going to change for better or worse.


    __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
    (Elsewhere)

    Gregory Veder was a young boy. He was quite emotional and wore his heart on his sleeve. At the moment playing Games in his computer.

    Greg bobbed his head as he listened to a song from his favourite anime.


    Just as the song was about to end he blacked out.

    ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    (Unknown Space?)

    Two bodies floated in a rainbow coloured space that had no set volume definition or laws of physics a Golden dome of energy about Half a kilometre wide was the only thing that protected them from the nothingness of the void.



    Taylor awoke to a warm light that seemed to surround her. "Where am I?" she questioned as she looked around trying to find out a sense of where she was. "Greg? Hey Greg, wake up. Come on wake up." she shook Greg trying to awaken him.

    Greg stretched his body like a cat as he regained his consciousness. "Munya,munya,munya,munya,munya......" as he came back from lala land.

    He opened his eyes to find Taylor staring down at him.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH" Greg screamed. Which in turn caused Taylor as she jumped away screamed as well, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH".

    Which caused them both to scream "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH"

    Take a deep breath and again..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

    and again..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

    and again..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

    "ALRIGHT KIDS THAT'S ENOUGH SCREAMING." a gentle voice rumbled cutting them off causing them to fall silent.

    "GOOD NOW THAT THAT'S DONE WITH I CALLED BOTH OF YOU HERE TO SPEAK WITH YOU" The voice grumbled.

    "Where are we?, Who are you?" asked Greg and Taylor respectively.

    "YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN THE DIMENSIONAL GAP. THE VOID THAT FILLS THE GAPS BETWEEN ALTERNATE PLANES YOUNG ONES. YOU MAY CALL ME CREATOR." the voice replied gently. It possessed an Aura of warmness that made the children feel at home and kept them calm.

    "Creator so are you a parahuman?" Greg asked his eyes widening. "Are you a hero? but why did you bring us here? Did you kidnap us? Are you a villain?" Greg continued muttering.

    Taylor sweatdropped anime style. 'He certainly is lively isn't he?'

    "I BROUGHT ONE REASON. YOU TWO ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT I CAN FIND COMPATIBLE ENOUGH."

    "Compatible enough for what?" Taylor asked her eyes narrowing.

    "Wait, I think I know what this is." Greg said "I heard some rumour on PHO that there is a Group called cauldron or something that Kidnaps people and creates parahumans using some kind of formula to fight an unimaginable monster or something like that"

    Taylor sweatdropped even further but she stayed silent waiting for the voice to continue. 'There is no way that can be real, can it? I don't think the PRT would allow something like that to happen.'

    "NO, I DO NOT BELONG CAULDRON BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I BROUGHT YOU HERE TO DISCUSS. yOUR WORLD IS IN GRAVE DANGER, AND NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE ENDBRINGERS. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING THEM."

    ".........................................." Greg and Taylor stood in shock unable to comprehend what they just heard.

    "The endbringers..." Taylor said.
    "Have a CREATOR!?" Geg finished shouting a bit at the end. Both of them looking at each other trying to make sense of what they just heard.

    "Someone actually made those THINGS?" Taylor said Incredulously.

    "HOLY SHIT".

    "INDEED THAT'S THE REASON I CALLED YOU HERE. I HAVE WEAPONS THAT COULD, DEPENDING ON ITS USERS COMPATIBILITY COMPLETELY HAVE THE ABILITY TO ANHIALATE SMALL CITIES SCALING UP FROM THERE TO SEVERAL PLANETS BUT THEY ARE QUITE PICKY ABOUT THERE USERS. SO I SEARCHED AND SEARCHED UNTIL I FOUND YOU TWO. IF YOU TWO SHOULD ACCEPT IT, I SHALL GRANT IT TO BOTH OF YOU."

    "    Real superpowers? AWESOME I accept!" Greg said, "So how do we do this?"

    "Wait, can you tell us what types of powers they are?"

    "OFCOURSE, I WAS GETTING RIGHT TO THAT. FOR YOU YOUNG TAYLOR I AM GIVING YOU ONE OF MY EARLIEST CREATIONS." the voice said as it transfers the abilities and how to use it directly to Taylor's head. "SO IS IT TO YOUR LIKING?"

    "BROKEN, seriously broken. Yeah, I like it a lot. but seriously? I accept!" internally, she was squeeing in excitement.

    "IT MAY LOOK LIKE A LOT BUT IT IS NECESSARY FOR THE ENEMY YOU ARE GOING TO PREPARE FOR."

    "SO GREG VEDER IT'S YOUR TURN. UNLIKE TAYLORS POWER THIS ONE IS A BIT DIFFERENT IN ITS ORIGINS. THE NAME OF THE POWER THAT YOU SHALL BE RECEIVING IS CALLED ONE FOR ALL. "     the voice said as it transferred information about it and how to use it. "I ADDED A LIMITER TO IT SO THAT YOU DONT ACCIDENTLY ACCESS MORE POWER THAN YOUR BODY IS READY TO HANDLE. BOTH OF YOUR POWERS REQUIRE YOU TO PROPERLY CONDITION YOUR BODY. YES GREG THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO GO OUT AND DO EXERCISE. BOTH OF YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ACCESS IT THE MOMENT YOU RECEIVE IT. BUT AT YOUR CURRENT LEVEL YOU won't EVEN BE ABLE TO ACCESS A FRACTION OF ITS FULL POWER."

    "    Superpowers here I come, Oh man." Greg began shaking in excitement. So much that he forgot the part where he has to excersise.

    "WELL, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE. I A ENTRUSTING THE HOPE OF MANKIND TO YOU."

    "    Wait," Greg interrupted. "Who are we supposed to fight anyway?"

    "JUST KEEP PREPARING AND DO YOUR BEST. YOU WILL KNOW IN TIME"

    Taylor and Greg shield their eyes as the world turns white.
     
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  • Threadmarks
    • A starting point that leaves a lot of potential. Liking it. The spelling of Greg's name is usually Veder but that might actually be a plot point to come, mistaken identity caused by the Simurgh to mis target to the wimpiest boy alive. :whistle:
    Not familiar with the source on Taylor's powers, so looking forward to her thinking through on how to use them.

    Good to see the grumblins did not scare you off.:)
     
    ScottotheUnwise said:
    A starting point that leaves a lot of potential. Liking it. The spelling of Greg's name is usually Veder but that might actually be a plot point to come, mistaken identity caused by the Simurgh to mis target to the wimpiest boy alive. :whistle:
    Not familiar with the source on Taylor's powers, so looking forward to her thinking through on how to use them.

    Good to see the grumblins did not scare you off.:)
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    Oh my mistake..editing.
     
    Okay, you need to turn your very first post into an index or intro threadmark. That way readers know there's an actual rewrite and don't have to scroll down to find the very first threadmark. Just saying from an UX perspective, if you don't want to lose potential readers who thought you were still in the process of rewriting.
     
    Numen said:
    Okay, you need to turn your very first post into an index or intro threadmark. That way readers know there's an actual rewrite and don't have to scroll down to find the very first threadmark. Just saying from an UX perspective, if you don't want to lose potential readers who thought you were still in the process of rewriting.
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    Done....I think? What do you think?
     
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    Jaune Pendragon said:
    What does that mean?
    True enough I suppose.
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    Fecal matter … rotary blade : Refers to a saying "The shit has hit the fan"
    Messy and exciting consequences brought about by a previously secret situation becoming public.
    (TY Google)
    The unfortunate thing about the Taylor fatigue comment is that Worm is a Fan base largely surrounding Taylor... That's like wanting to write about Narutoverse without Naruto. :confused: Your story appears to have dual main characters, so having chapters with Greg point of view as well as those using Taylor can help.

    As a very smart guy @mp3.1415player has underlined: "You can't please everyone all the time"    ​
     
    Ok, I'll need to give you a better review later this afternoon. But I have to be honest and say that I liked the first version compared to this. The first version had a much better premise compared to this. However, since it is possible you might be keeping the idea, I can see you continue with it in future chapters. But there is a part of me that doesn't think so.
     
    CCMax said:
    Ok, I'll need to give you a better review later this afternoon. But I have to be honest and say that I liked the first version compared to this. The first version had a much better premise compared to this. However, since it is possible you might be keeping the idea, I can see you continue with it in future chapters. But there is a part of me that doesn't think so.
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    Well you can use the idea as an omake, if you like it.
     
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