The Fifth Holy Grail War Grand Prix

[Grue]

In a recently-constructed stand in the southern area of Fuyuki, eight vehicles lined up before the start line.
"Hello, and welcome to the Fifth Holy Grail War Grand Prix. I'm Servant Ruler, and this is my fellow commentator, Pawa."
The penguin chick sitting next to Ruler gave a wave to the camera.
"Now, this year's race has some serious candidates, so let's go over them for the viewers."
The camera's focus zoomed in onto the participants.
"First up, we have Kokutou Miyika and Rider. Their unit, the Tandem Bike, isn't the strongest, but could Rider's skills bring them victory?"
The camera focused on a man with glasses, his brown hair covering an eye. A woman stood next to him, leaning on their ride.
"Next, we have Issei Ryuudou and the Assassins. Their Clown Car is unconventional, but who knows what tricks it has up their sleeves."
This shot was of a blue-haired young man with glasses, sighing next to the single Hassan visible.
"Our third participant is the Tiger of Fuyuki hers-"
"DON'T CALL ME TIGER!!"
The yell came from the woman herself, standing on a rather mousy float with her Caster.
"...Ahem. Moving on, we have the local Fake Janitor, with Avenger and Unit-Edge. Their ride's a high-performance one, but Avenger's a complete mystery."
The sports car in question was remarkably angular, and housed two teens who could be fraternal twins.
"Homurahara High puts forward another entrant with Souchiro Kuzuki and Archer. Their compact ride gives them plenty of room to manoeuvre."
The Mini both were in seemed a bit of a tight fit, admittedly.
"Kariya and Sakura Matou enter this fray as a uncle-niece pair in...er, where's their ride?"
In response, the black knight next to them roared, shifting parts until a...car? was formed.
"Ah, there we go. Bersercar Zero is a formidable machine; can anyone stand to its might?"
The camera panned to what seemed to be a fairground ride.
"The Church has reined in a mighty beast for their entry. Father Kotomine and Lancer enter in the Unit-Boar!"
And so, the camera focused on the final car.
"We know little about the Churches other entry. Some say one's an immortal Executor. Some say the other is an immortal vampire. All we know is, it's called Unit-SHIKI."
The bone-white Delorean rocked with the sound of scuffling."HEY! Why the hell am I tied to this thing?! Get me down!"
"As you can see, this'll be a tough race. Keep tuned, the race will start shortly!"

 

[Oh I am slain!]

---

Caster's Master was still glaring at the announcers. Hmm...he should do something about that. He summoned several small talking toys to keep her company.

With that taken care of, Caster activated the float's filming equipment to record this glorious race. He turned on the loudspeakers and sang along as he set off dozens of fireworks into the sky.

Star light, star bright,
first star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might,
have the wish, I wish tonight.
We'll make a wish, and do as dreamers do,
and all our wishes (all our wishes),
will come true.

---

 

[Khawy]

Assassin's Master looked very exhausted for some reason. Must be the praying he did last night. Maybe he is worrying about their chance of winning in this race? Silly Master, Assassin got it cover. The Assassin shoved their exasperated Master into the backseat, while he climbed into the driver side.

Zayd, the Assassin that is driving the damnable clown car for their Master, sent a telepathic message to the Assassin hive mind.

'Is Pile Team 1 ready?'

The five Assassins that are hiding in the brushes up the road confirmed that they are ready to give up their all for the cause. Zayd gripped the steering wheel with great enthusiasm at the thought of a successful ploy. With so many traps ready to be sprung, there is no way the Assassins would lose!

80/80

 

[Illusion]

Kuzuki was seated in the mini next to archer. His face showed no emotions but he admittedly felt cramped. It didn't help that archer seemed to be on one of her rants again.

"ZWEHAHAHA This will only be the first step to completing my ambition. This time my dream will come true. All of the world will bow to MY MIGHT! ZWEHAHAHA"

Archer was striking her "warlord" pose, which only made him more cramped. He felt like he should tell her that she sounded like a kamen rider villain but decided against it.

She would probably just strike another pose and scold him. Dealing with archer was like dealing with a delusional 8th grader.

Kuzuki could only sigh and hope the race started soon.

 

[Nanimani]

*Warning: I am not giving two shits about not butchering characterization.*

Shirou Emiya was rather upset about the announcer, as one might imagine since he called the hero of justice-in-training a janitor.

"Janitor... I'm not a janitor... I'm a hero of justice... Archer wasn't right..."

His doppelganger, on the other hand, seemed amused with the whole situation.

"That's right, Master! You're really more of a mass murderer. All those swords... I'm supposed to be enough to kill everyone and I've only got two."

"Shut up! Why am I even paired up with you, anyway?! I'm always paired up with Saber, but she isn't even here!"

"Well, y'see, nobody wanted to submit her. Something about her being boring. You only got in because someone wanted to see you suffer, honestly. It's me that was supposed to get in, you're just an afterthought, really."

"Why would anyone want to submit you?"

"To see people suffer, mostly. Gotta say, I like his- Hey, stop making me say that! I see you, on your keyboard, typing this down style."

 

[Xellos]

"Honestly, a race? I suppose it's not the worst way this could be decided, but she would be better suited to a- WOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION?!"

"Huh? You were saying something Curry?"

Ciel seethed. Of all the Servants to have summoned, how on Earth could this have possibly happened? It had to be her. It just had to be. The one person she just couldn't stand.

How in God's name was Arcueid Brunestud even a viable Servant anyway?!

'Funny' Vamp was right. The blonde idiot was just standing there waving and soaking up the attention. It just went to show that Shiki was better off with her, since the True Ancestor just didn't care at all.

Through gritted teeth, the Burial Agency member started speaking again.

"Yes, I was in fact saying something, 'Funny Vamp'. We need to win this race, so if you would take it seriously, I'd appreciate it."

"Well, sure. I can't drive a car though, so what do you expect me to do?" she whined.

"Hinder the other racers with Marble Phantasm, duh. Now get in the car." she muttered, glaring at her partner.

'Why couldn't I have gotten a Rider? Or maybe a Saber, they have Riding too.' she thought, staring forlornly at the other Servants. Any of them would have to be better.

...At least she got a decent car, and the controls weren't too... bad...

'No. Nononononono they couldn't have!'

Ciel stared. Funny Vamp opened the other door and sat down in the shotgun seat, before noticing that Ciel had turned pale.

"What's wrong, Curry?"

Ciel stared at her Servant, all hope drained from her face.

"They made it 5 speed manual, not 3 speed automatic."

Funny Vamp stared, uncomprehending. "And..?"

"I don't know how to drive a stick shift!" Ciel said, reaching over into the glove compartment and digging through for something, anything that would help.

Funny Vamp's questions on what a stick shift was, and what was so bad about it were ignored, as Ciel skimmed through the helpfully included manual as fast as possible. They had to win. But neither of them knew how to use this thing!

'You can do this, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this!'

 

[Hadiz]

Pawa waves at the Camera.

And when the racers finally finish their presentations. Pawa can finally press those button of obstacles. Though Pawa has to thank those Mask people. They made perfect spots for those Laser Turrets, Grenade Defense Launchers and even for those hoards of Risen Master placed.

And Pawa can't wait to press this button Pawa is holding. Just when the Race start. The Flames of Fire suddenly coming out when they past the starting line. It shall be beautiful. Though hopefully they wouldn't be burned alive.

Eh. They'd be fine.

 

[Mortifer]

Rider looked at the announcer, then back at her Master.

On one hand, she now had names of most the Masters, so she could invoke her Noble Phantasm and kill them all.

On the other hand, Kokutou Mikiya has already said he doesn't want her to kill. And even if he didn't know what her Noble Phantasm did, he could put two and two together, and notice people dropping dead when she called their names.

Usually, Rider would ignore this. Since when does anyone else's opinion of when people die matter? Unfortunately, her current Master had... A dangerous friend.

Rider shuddered, feeling the duct tape around her neck as she recalled her last encounter with Ryougi Shiki.

Noticing this, Mikiya turned to Rider.

"Are you okay?" He asked. "If there's a problem, we can sit out the ra-"

Rider shook her head. "I'm fine. Just remembering some stuff."

Mikiya looked at her. "If you are sure. Well, are you ready?"

Rider did a quick check.

Knife for bloodletting? Check. Whip for blinding? Check. Head still attached properly? Check.

"Ready." Rider replied, getting on the front seat of the Tandem Bike.

 

[Evlto]

As Sakura and Kariya watch Berserker transform, Sakura turns to Kariya and asks "Uncle do you know why Berserker can even become a car, cause I can't figure it out. " "We'll Sakura, from the old notes, I was able to read, it was a certain vampire added that feature caused it looked cool. "

As berseker finished his transformation, they hopped into bersekcar zero(BZ). Sakura looked over to shirou and waved. Kariya noticed this and he asked "who is that boy you waved to."
Sakura blushed and said "That was Senpai." As Kariya heard this the worms inside him got worked up that they cause him to be slightly delusion. In his mind this was the scene." That is the man I will marry and have three kids. We have everything planned out, so if he wins we will marry straight afterwards." Gushed delusion Sakura.

Kariya got up and shouted over to Shitou, " You bastard you won't have Sakura without a fight." Sakura embarrassed dragged Kariya back to his seat.

 

[Azrael]

Lancer frowned slightly at the mechanical construct she was to use in this race. She, lacking a Riding Skill, and being a witch from the Age of Gods, had no idea how to operate it.

Her Master was similarly unhelpful, apparently his sole means of transportation was jogging. Even before that however, they had bigger problems.

Turning to look at the priest in question, she reported her observations.

"We need money."

"I'm sure an able witch such as yourself can procure goods of monetary worth through any number of methods." The Priest's smug smile never left his face.

"Expensive goods? Yes. 100 Yen coins? My options are far more limited in this respect." She retorted angrily. "You must have something, right?"

Kotomine's stoic shake of the head dashed Lancer's hopes -and made her curse herself for expecting this mule to be of any use.

*sigh* "Fine, I think I have an idea... Help me set up."

"If that is what you wish. I will do my utmost to aid you." Kotomine's smile grew even wider, sending a chill down Lancer's back.

"On second thought, you just sit on the pig, I'll do it." And with that, she made a few quick preparations before climbing onto their vehicle herself.

 

[Grue]

Pawa waves at the Camera.

And when the racers finally finish their presentations. Pawa can finally press those button of obstacles. Though Pawa has to thank those Mask people. They made perfect spots for those Laser Turrets, Grenade Defense Launchers and even for those hoards of Risen Master placed.

And Pawa can't wait to press this button Pawa is holding. Just when the Race start. The Flames of Fire suddenly coming out when they past the starting line. It shall be beautiful. Though hopefully they wouldn't be burned alive.

Eh. They'd be fine.

Click to shrink...

Ruler glared at Pawa, still smiling all the time.
"Now now, Pawa. That's not nice. Someone could get hurt."

Grail Prix Racecourse, Assorted Turrets and Launchers​

A blue blur shot out from a turret, said turret promptly exploding. Landing, it resolved itself into the Hound of Ulster, before bursting off again to avoid a barrage of grenades.
"Who the hell put all of these here?!"
Any further protests were interrupted as he had to continue dodging fire.

Grail Prix Racecourse, Grail Prix Startline​

At the startline for the Grand Prix, all eight participants were lined up ready to start. In the distance, explosions occasionally sounded.
"Please ignore the ongoing explosions, they're nothing to worry about."
The lights at the startline started beeping, counting down from red to green.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Now, if the participants would please keep fatalities down; our repair budget is a bit stretched."
Just before the start lights changed to green, a blue meteor shot down from the sky. As it passed through the startline, powerful flames flared, petering out as the race officially started.
As the racers set off to win, all that was left of the meteor was a charred corpse and a crimson spear.

 

[Oh I am slain!]

---

Caster had started his parade float forward at a leisurely pace...quite some time ago. And no one had passed by yet. At this rate, he and young Miss Fujimura were soon going to win the race. Frankly, the only disappointment thus far has been his Master's continued refusal to sing the Jasmine part of A Whole New World with him. Maybe if he played the song again. Twelfth time's the charm, right?

"I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLLLLLD~"

---

 

[Khawy]

Damn that float. Who would've thought that something cumbersome as that could be in the lead? Zayd gripped the steering with frustratation. Well, at least hid Master was nice and quiet throughout the ride. He slumped his head against the window and was muttering a prayer of some kind. Such a nice and thoughtful Master. But Zayd needed to up his game plan to win the race. Luckily, he had just the right trap for this situation...

No one would suspect the lemonade stand.

80/80

 

[Oh I am slain!]

Luckily, he had just the right trap for this situation...

No one would suspect the lemonade stand.

Click to shrink...

---

Caster suddenly spots on the side of the road a...lemonade stand? Strange, he could have sworn it wasn't there a moment ago.

"Master, did you see that lemonade stand--"

Taiga snaps upright. "Lemonade stand?! Oh, a lemonade stand! Finally, something else to do! Mmm, I can already taste the refreshing lemony goodness..."

Caster tries to stop her, but is pushes aside with inhuman strength. At a loss, Caster furiously racks his brain. This might be a hostile lemonade stand! What can he do to stop his Master? Calming down, Caster realizes a perfect solution.

"Vendor stall of Disney World, I summon you in this time of need. There is a poor child who must be placated. Welcome to Disney World."

Taiga skids to a halt as a new stall appears in front of her, all knowledge of the lemonade stand forgotten. Before her is the largest, juiciest, turkey leg1​ that Taiga had ever seen. Mmmmmm, she salivates as her eyes rake across the turkey leg, and she inhales the sweet, umami scent. As Taiga begins to tear through the soft flesh, Caster casually nudges her back onto the float. They continue onwards.

1 ​Seriously, these things are ridiculous. For anyone who hasn't seen their size:

Spoiler: Disney Turkey Leg

---

 

[Illusion]

Grail Prix Racecourse, Assorted Turrets and Launchers​

A blue blur shot out from a turret, said turret promptly exploding. Landing, it resolved itself into the Hound of Ulster, before bursting off again to avoid a barrage of grenades.
"Who the hell put all of these here?!"
Any further protests were interrupted as he had to continue dodging fire.

Click to shrink...

Looking at these traps Archer adopted an "ojou sama" pose with her hand under her chin and posture straightened out. "So these peasants think these pathetic traps can stop me? How foolish OHOHOHOHO!". Meanwhile Kuzuki was making sure everything was ready and the car would start without incident.

Grail Prix Racecourse, Grail Prix Startline​

At the startline for the Grand Prix, all eight participants were lined up ready to start. In the distance, explosions occasionally sounded.
"Please ignore the ongoing explosions, they're nothing to worry about."
The lights at the startline started beeping, counting down from red to green.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Now, if the participants would please keep fatalities down; our repair budget is a bit stretched."
Just before the start lights changed to green, a blue meteor shot down from the sky. As it passed through the startline, powerful flames flared, petering out as the race officially started.
As the racers set off to win, all that was left of the meteor was a charred corpse and a crimson spear.

Click to shrink...

Before Kuzuki could even press the gas Archer screamed "THEY KILLED LANCER!" in an overly dramatic tone. Did she even know who that guy was? This thought process was cut off by he himself saying "You're not human." in as monotone a voice as possible. Huh weird...he had no idea why he said that he just did and in the time it took them to say that a float passed by them and started to play a song? Kuzuki didn't even understand the words as he didn't speak English but Archer did. She was squeeing at the song muttering something about "how romantic".

Kuzuki stomped on the gas and zoomed right past the float. It wasn't even going that fast. At this rate winning this race would be very easy and maybe Kuzuki could KRCHUNK. His car hit something and now he was swerving out of control. Was that lemonade on his windshields? Where the hell did this come from? Did someone just stick a lemonade stand out in the middle of the race track? Kuzuki pressed and brakes and stopped the car before any real damage could be done. Now there was lemonade on his windshield and he couldn't see anything. Archer seemed to still be in lala land. Dammit it was times like these that made Kuzuki wished he just stayed as an assassin.

 

[Evlto]

Ruler glared at Pawa, still smiling all the time.
"Now now, Pawa. That's not nice. Someone could get hurt."

Grail Prix Racecourse, Assorted Turrets and Launchers​

A blue blur shot out from a turret, said turret promptly exploding. Landing, it resolved itself into the Hound of Ulster, before bursting off again to avoid a barrage of grenades.
"Who the hell put all of these here?!"
Any further protests were interrupted as he had to continue dodging fire.

Grail Prix Racecourse, Grail Prix Startline​

At the startline for the Grand Prix, all eight participants were lined up ready to start. In the distance, explosions occasionally sounded.
"Please ignore the ongoing explosions, they're nothing to worry about."
The lights at the startline started beeping, counting down from red to green.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Now, if the participants would please keep fatalities down; our repair budget is a bit stretched."
Just before the start lights changed to green, a blue meteor shot down from the sky. As it passed through the startline, powerful flames flared, petering out as the race officially started.
As the racers set off to win, all that was left of the meteor was a charred corpse and a crimson spear.

Click to shrink...

"Pick up that fishing rod, we can use it for fishing. Also pickup that abandoned dog, for shame leaving a dog in the middle of a racetrack" said Kariya in another delusion as he pointed at Cu.
As Beserkcar passed Cu tendrils came out and grabbed Cu and Gae Bolg, puting them in the back seat.
"Uncle you got it wrong" signed Sakura.
"Speed up beserkcar,we need to catch up." said Kariya.
As they drove they noticed a scene.

Looking at these traps Archer adopted an "ojou sama" pose with her hand under her chin and posture straightened out. "So these peasants think these pathetic traps can stop me? How foolish OHOHOHOHO!". Meanwhile Kuzuki was making sure everything was ready and the car would start without incident.



Before Kuzuki could even press the gas Archer screamed "THEY KILLED LANCER!" in an overly dramatic tone. Did she even know who that guy was? This thought process was cut off by he himself saying "You're not human." in as monotone a voice as possible. Huh weird...he had no idea why he said that he just did and in the time it took them to say that a float passed by them and started to play a song? Kuzuki didn't even understand the words as he didn't speak English but Archer did. She was squeeing at the song muttering something about "how romantic".

Kuzuki stomped on the gas and zoomed right past the float. It wasn't even going that fast. At this rate winning this race would be very easy and maybe Kuzuki could KRCHUNK. His car hit something and now he was swerving out of control. Was that lemonade on his windshields? Where the hell did this come from? Did someone just stick a lemonade stand out in the middle of the race track? Kuzuki pressed and brakes and stopped the car before any real damage could be done. Now there was lemonade on his windshield and he couldn't see anything. Archer seemed to still be in lala land. Dammit it was times like these that made Kuzuki wished he just stayed as an assassin.

Click to shrink...

"Stop them Berserkcar in their tracks." Grinned Kariya bloodthirsty.
Berserkcar just roared. In Berserker Speech {Got ya, crazy}
Berserkcar sped up using a tendril to hold Gae Bolg. As they passed Kuzuki and Archer's car, Berserkcar used Gae Bolg to expertly destroy the front of their car and their engine, without blowing up the car. Berserkcar then got a few feet forward to spin to face Archer's car. He then fired his cannon, but missing and hitting the lemonstand. He then use the force to spin him forward and off they went.
{God damn it, can't believe it that I miss the shot.}
"Huh that there would be more damage" wondered Sakura.
"I can't even believe it that Berserkcar miss." cursed Kariya.

 

[Azrael]

Grail Prix Racecourse, Grail Prix Startline​

At the startline for the Grand Prix, all eight participants were lined up ready to start. In the distance, explosions occasionally sounded.
"Please ignore the ongoing explosions, they're nothing to worry about."
The lights at the startline started beeping, counting down from red to green.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Now, if the participants would please keep fatalities down; our repair budget is a bit stretched."
Just before the start lights changed to green, a blue meteor shot down from the sky. As it passed through the startline, powerful flames flared, petering out as the race officially started.
As the racers set off to win, all that was left of the meteor was a charred corpse and a crimson spear.

Click to shrink...

Sitting atop her assigned vehicle, Lancer turned to her Master.

"Well, I've made my preparations. Come on then, we need to catch up."

As the stoic priest climbed up behind her, Lancer began chanting.

Quickly finishing, she raised her hands to the sky, and invoked her Noble Phantasm. A dozen boars materialized in a shower of golden light, and were quickly bound by spectral harnesses and fastened to Unit-Boar. As a finishing touch, Lancer Reinforced their abilities far beyond a normal animal's.

"There. Now, forward!"

At her call, the boars surged forward, resembling a parody of a dog sled.

"Truly, you are a resourceful woman." The eternally condescending voice of the priest came from behind her. "I must admit, I did not expect that a sorceress as famous as yourself would be an experienced musher."

"SHUT UP BEFORE I USE YOU TO PULL THIS THING!"

Kuzuki stomped on the gas and zoomed right past the float. It wasn't even going that fast. At this rate winning this race would be very easy and maybe Kuzuki could KRCHUNK. His car hit something and now he was swerving out of control. Was that lemonade on his windshields? Where the hell did this come from? Did someone just stick a lemonade stand out in the middle of the race track? Kuzuki pressed and brakes and stopped the car before any real damage could be done. Now there was lemonade on his windshield and he couldn't see anything. Archer seemed to still be in lala land. Dammit it was times like these that made Kuzuki wished he just stayed as an assassin.

Click to shrink...

Berserkcar sped up using a tendril to hold Gae Bolg. As they passed Kuzuki and Archer's car, Berserkcar used Gae Bolg to expertly destroy the front of their car and their engine, without blowing up the car. Berserkcar then got a few feet forward to spin to face Archer's car. He then fired his cannon, but missing and hitting the lemonstand. He then use the force to spin him forward and off they went.

Click to shrink...

Suitably irritated by her Master, Lancer decided to take out her frustration on her opponents. As Unit-Boar screamed past the stalled car, Lancer sent two dozen beams of concentrated sunlight lasers at Archer and Berserker's vehicles.

Laughing aloud as she finished her drive-by, Lancer turned her attention back to the road.

 

[Illusion]

Berserkcar sped up using a tendril to hold Gae Bolg. As they passed Kuzuki and Archer's car, Berserkcar used Gae Bolg to expertly destroy the front of their car and their engine, without blowing up the car. Berserkcar then got a few feet forward to spin to face Archer's car. He then fired his cannon, but missing and hitting the lemonstand. He then use the force to spin him forward and off they went.

Click to shrink...

Suitably irritated by her Master, Lancer decided to take out her frustration on her opponents. As Unit-Boar screamed past the stalled car, Lancer sent two dozen beams of concentrated sunlight lasers at Archer and Berserker's vehicles.

Click to shrink...

It happened in an instant. The Bersercar and Unit Boar both came flying past and taking advantage of their weakened state attacked the Mini. Archer attempted to manifest her muskets to defend against the attack and Kuzuki tried to use his mediocre driving skills to dodge the attacks. It didn't exactly work as planned. The muskets could do nothing to stop the sunlight beam and red spear and the mini wasn't exactly a great car for dodging legendary attacks. The red spear pierced the engine of the Mini and Kuzuki only narrowly managed to avoid the sunlight laser directly hitting him and Archer. It burned straight through the top part of the trunk of the mini, which with its small size was scarily close to where he and Archer were sitting.

As those 2 units continued past him and Archer, Kuzuki sighed. He pressed the gas pedal but the Mini did not move. How could it? The engine was pierced by a red spear. Half of their car was gone and they only narrowly escaped that situation with their life. The only positive was that that his car dodged shook off all the lemonade from the windshield. Shaking his head Kuzuki addressed Archer

"Archer our engine has been serverely damaged and our vehicle nearly demolished. The car will not move."

Completely relaxed Archer responded "Just turn it off and turn it back on again."

"What?" Was Kuzuki's deadpan reply

"You heard me, turn it off and turn it back on again." replied Archer once again.

Was she serious? There was no way that would work, that may fix minor computer problems but their engine was crazy damaged. This was not something that could be fixed like that. Even with his minuscule knowledge on cars Kuzuki knew this. However, with no other options left Kuzuki did what he was told and... the engine started. What the fu- you know what Kuzuki was just gonna roll with it. This whole race didn't make sense in the beginning so why would it make sense now?

In her serious pose Archer spoke once again "The car moves because it recognizes my right to the grail!"

No it didn't Kuzuki thought.

"We will not lose here master. I am Nobunaga Oda, the demon king of the sixth heaven and we will show these BITCHES what we are made of. Let us go onward to victory!"

Taking off his glasses, Kuzuki detached the roof of the car and had the smallest hint of a smile on his almost always stoic face. Archer could be really charismatic when she was serious. He did not bring up that Nobunaga Oda was a man and not a woman like Archer because he knew informing Archer of this was useless. He pressed the gas and the nearly destroyed car roared forward, trailing behind the other vehicles in the lead. It was times like this that Kuzuki was glad he was no longer an assassin.

 

[Mortifer]

Sitting at the starting line, Rider looked visible annoyed.

"Why are we waiting?" She asked.

Kokutou Mikiya smiled. "Well, you're the best at riding things here. So it's only fair that we give them a chance, right?"

...That settled it. When the race was over, Rider was going to kill him, and use the Grail to keep Ryougi from finding her afterwards.

For now, though, Rider needed to vent a bit.

With a thought, her chariot manifested behind her. A black horse manifested beside her, tied to said chariot.

"Brace for impact, Master." She said, before kicking backwards.

As Mikiya landed in the chariot, Rider smacked her horse, and began riding beside it.

She may not be allowed to ride in her chariot, but if she rode alongside it, she should still benefit from it's power.

Moving shockingly fast, Rider and her horse began pursuing the competition.

Behind her, in the chariot, Mikiya began to wonder if he would get through the race without throwing up.

 

[Hadiz]

Ruler glared at Pawa, still smiling all the time.
"Now now, Pawa. That's not nice. Someone could get hurt."

​

Click to shrink...

"Aua-"

Pawa was about to answer Smiley till Pawa remembered that Ruler could not understand Penguin.

Pawa is somewhat miffed that not everyone could understand Pawa as Pawa holds the remote of deadly traps.

Pawa then use Pawa's alteration skill to make words of understanding to Ruler. On the Table.

Smiley. I remember that I was given free reign too use my deadly traps until someone bites the dust so

Unfortunately Pawa was cut off in explaining to Ruler as someone activated his traps.

Grail Prix Racecourse, Assorted Turrets and Launchers

Click to shrink...

A blue blur shot out from a turret, said turret promptly exploding. Landing, it resolved itself into the Hound of Ulster, before bursting off again to avoid a barrage of grenades.
"Who the hell put all of these here?!"
Any further protests were interrupted as he had to continue dodging fire.

Grail Prix Racecourse, Grail Prix Startline​

At the startline for the Grand Prix, all eight participants were lined up ready to start. In the distance, explosions occasionally sounded.
"Please ignore the ongoing explosions, they're nothing to worry about."
The lights at the startline started beeping, counting down from red to green.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"Now, if the participants would please keep fatalities down; our repair budget is a bit stretched."
Just before the start lights changed to green, a blue meteor shot down from the sky. As it passed through the startline, powerful flames flared, petering out as the race officially started.
As the racers set off to win, all that was left of the meteor was a charred corpse and a crimson spear.

Click to shrink...

Pawa stared at the corpse. And if looks could kill. The corpse would be very glad that he was dead.

Here Smiley.

Pawa throws the remote of traps to Smiley. As Pawa alters the words.

Now he must do his job as a commentator.

---

Caster had started his parade float forward at a leisurely pace...quite some time ago. And no one had passed by yet. At this rate, he and young Miss Fujimura were soon going to win the race. Frankly, the only disappointment thus far has been his Master's continued refusal to sing the Jasmine part of A Whole New World with him. Maybe if he played the song again. Twelfth time's the charm, right?

"I CAN SHOW YOU THE WORLLLLLD~"

---

Click to shrink...

Pawa stares incredulously as Pawa sees that no one has passed a float in speed.

Pawa then alters the ground to make wall so that the viewers can understand Pawa.

Now since the race has started Tiger & Music has taken the lead. Somehow. And lemonade stands are coming out of nowhere going to impede our Racers sight.

---

Caster suddenly spots on the side of the road a...lemonade stand? Strange, he could have sworn it wasn't there a moment ago.

"Master, did you see that lemonade stand--"

Taiga snaps upright. "Lemonade stand?! Oh, a lemonade stand! Finally, something else to do! Mmm, I can already taste the refreshing lemony goodness..."

Caster tries to stop her, but is pushes aside with inhuman strength. At a loss, Caster furiously racks his brain. This might be a hostile lemonade stand! What can he do to stop his Master? Calming down, Caster realizes a perfect solution.

"Vendor stall of Disney World, I summon you in this time of need. There is a poor child who must be placated. Welcome to Disney World."

Taiga skids to a halt as a new stall appears in front of her, all knowledge of the lemonade stand forgotten. Before her is the largest, juiciest, turkey leg1​ that Taiga had ever seen. Mmmmmm, she salivates as her eyes rake across the turkey leg, and she inhales the sweet, umami scent. As Taiga begins to tear through the soft flesh, Caster casually nudges her back onto the float. They continue onwards.

1 ​Seriously, these things are ridiculous. For anyone who hasn't seen their size:

Spoiler: Disney Turkey Leg

---

Click to shrink...

Okay Pawa can somewhat see now how they got to first place so quickly.

Music has managed to distract his Tiger with meat from an enemy trick! Will the others be able to catch up from Musics uncontested first place?

Looking at these traps Archer adopted an "ojou sama" pose with her hand under her chin and posture straightened out. "So these peasants think these pathetic traps can stop me? How foolish OHOHOHOHO!". Meanwhile Kuzuki was making sure everything was ready and the car would start without incident.

Click to shrink...

Pawa answers that declaration in his mind.

'If Pawa had that remote now. Chuuni would regret saying those words of challenge.'

Before Kuzuki could even press the gas Archer screamed "THEY KILLED LANCER!" in an overly dramatic tone. Did she even know who that guy was? This thought process was cut off by he himself saying "You're not human." in as monotone a voice as possible. Huh weird...he had no idea why he said that he just did and in the time it took them to say that a float passed by them and started to play a song? Kuzuki didn't even understand the words as he didn't speak English but Archer did. She was squeeing at the song muttering something about "how romantic".

Kuzuki stomped on the gas and zoomed right past the float. It wasn't even going that fast. At this rate winning this race would be very easy and maybe Kuzuki could KRCHUNK. His car hit something and now he was swerving out of control. Was that lemonade on his windshields? Where the hell did this come from? Did someone just stick a lemonade stand out in the middle of llthe race track? Kuzuki pressed and brakes and stopped the car before any real damage could be done. Now there was lemonade on his windshield and he couldn't see anything. Archer seemed to still be in lala land. Dammit it was times like these that made Kuzuki wished he just stayed as an assassin.

Click to shrink...

Pawa answered them with a simple answer. On the stone slab and verbally.

"Auau. Auaua."

Pawa isn't even human in the first place.

After answering Chuuni and Quiet. Pawa went back to commentating.

And Chuuni and Quiet has taken the lead! Going faster than a float was too easy it seems. But it seems they lost it the moment they hit that lemonade stand. Too bad they didn't crashed.

"Pick up that fishing rod, we can use it for fishing. Also pickup that abandoned dog, for shame leaving a dog in the middle of a racetrack" said Kariya in another delusion as he pointed at Cu.
As Beserkcar passed Cu tendrils came out and grabbed Cu and Gae Bolg, puting them in the back seat.
"Uncle you got it wrong" signed Sakura.
"Speed up beserkcar,we need to catch up." said Kariya.
As they drove they noticed a scene.

Click to shrink...

Good. Use his corpse as a weapon and use it in the most humiliating ways Knight.

"Stop them Berserkcar in their tracks." Grinned Kariya bloodthirsty.
Berserkcar just roared. In Berserker Speech {Got ya, crazy}
Berserkcar sped up using a tendril to hold Gae Bolg. As they passed Kuzuki and Archer's car, Berserkcar used Gae Bolg to expertly destroy the front of their car and their engine, without blowing up the car. Berserkcar then got a few feet forward to spin to face Archer's car. He then fired his cannon, but missing and hitting the lemonstand. He then use the force to spin him forward and off they went.
{God damn it, can't believe it that I miss the shot.}
"Huh that there would be more damage" wondered Sakura.
"I can't even believe it that Berserkcar miss." cursed Kariya.

Click to shrink...

Pawa's feelings of missing is summed up below on the stone slab.

How could you miss!?!! They were right in front of you!?!

Sitting atop her assigned vehicle, Lancer turned to her Master.

"Well, I've made my preparations. Come on then, we need to catch up."

As the stoic priest climbed up behind her, Lancer began chanting.

Quickly finishing, she raised her hands to the sky, and invoked her Noble Phantasm. A dozen boars materialized in a shower of golden light, and were quickly bound by spectral harnesses and fastened to Unit-Boar. As a finishing touch, Lancer Reinforced their abilities far beyond a normal animal's.

"There. Now, forward!"

At her call, the boars surged forward, resembling a parody of a dog sled.

"Truly, you are a resourceful woman." The eternally condescending voice of the priest came from behind her. "I must admit, I did not expect that a sorceress as famous as yourself would be an experienced musher."

"SHUT UP BEFORE I USE YOU TO PULL THIS THING!"

Click to shrink...

How feels on the last sentence can be seen on the stone slab.
DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

Suitably irritated by her Master, Lancer decided to take out her frustration on her opponents. As Unit-Boar screamed past the stalled car, Lancer sent two dozen beams of concentrated sunlight lasers at Archer and Berserker's vehicles.

Laughing aloud as she finished her drive-by, Lancer turned her attention back to the road.

Click to shrink...

Pawa prepares to slash Chuuni and Quiet from the board at this rate.

Priest and Trainer has taken the lead and has blast deadly beams of fire on their two opponents. Hopefully they would live through it since our budget on deaths has been a bit stretched.

It happened in an instant. The Bersercar and Unit Boar both came flying past and taking advantage of their weakened state attacked the Mini. Archer attempted to manifest her muskets to defend against the attack and Kuzuki tried to use his mediocre driving skills to dodge the attacks. It didn't exactly work as planned. The muskets could do nothing to stop the sunlight beam and red spear and the mini wasn't exactly a great car for dodging legendary attacks. The red spear pierced the engine of the Mini and Kuzuki only narrowly managed to avoid the sunlight laser directly hitting him and Archer. It burned straight through the top part of the trunk of the mini, which with its small size was scarily close to where he and Archer were sitting.

As those 2 units continued past him and Archer, Kuzuki sighed. He pressed the gas pedal but the Mini did not move. How could it? The engine was pierced by a red spear. Half of their car was gone and they only narrowly escaped that situation with their life. The only positive was that that his car dodged shook off all the lemonade from the windshield. Shaking his head Kuzuki addressed Archer

"Archer our engine has been serverely damaged and our vehicle nearly demolished. The car will not move."

Completely relaxed Archer responded "Just turn it off and turn it back on again."

"What?" Was Kuzuki's deadpan reply

"You heard me, turn it off and turn it back on again." replied Archer once again.

Was she serious? There was no way that would work, that may fix minor computer problems but their engine was crazy damaged. This was not something that could be fixed like that. Even with his minuscule knowledge on cars Kuzuki knew this. However, with no other options left Kuzuki did what he was told and... the engine started. What the fu- you know what Kuzuki was just gonna roll with it. This whole race didn't make sense in the beginning so why wouldn't it make sense now?

In her serious pose Archer spoke once again "The car moves because it recognizes my right to the grail!"

No it didn't Kuzuki thought.

"We will not lose here master. I am Nobunaga Oda, the demon king of the sixth heaven and we will show these BITCHES what we are made of. Let us go onward to victory!"

Taking off his glasses, Kuzuki detached the roof of the car and had the smallest hint of a smile on his almost always stoic face. Archer could be really charismatic when she was serious. He did not bring up that Nobunaga Oda was a man and not a woman like Archer because he knew informing Archer of this was useless. He pressed the gas and the nearly destroyed car roared forward, trailing behind the other vehicles in the lead. It was times like this that Kuzuki was glad he was no longer an assassin.

Click to shrink...

And somehow Chuuni and Quiet has broken the laws of physics that would cause many engineers and scientists to froth in the mouth. But fortunately they are still on the race.

Sitting at the starting line, Rider looked visible annoyed.

"Why are we waiting?" She asked.

Kokutou Mikiya smiled. "Well, you're the best at riding things here. So it's only fair that we give them a chance, right?"

...That settled it. When the race was over, Rider was going to kill him, and use the Grail to keep Ryougi from finding her afterwards.

For now, though, Rider needed to vent a bit.

With a thought, her chariot manifested behind her. A black horse manifested beside her, tied to said chariot.

"Brace for impact, Master." She said, before kicking backwards.

As Mikiya landed in the chariot, Rider smacked her horse, and began riding beside it.

She may not be allowed to ride in her chariot, but if she rode alongside it, she should still benefit from it's power.

Moving shockingly fast, Rider and her horse began pursuing the competition.

Behind her, in the chariot, Mikiya began to wonder if he would get through the race without throwing up.

Click to shrink...

And the dark horse of the group finally comes in to catch up!

 

[Illusion]

Sitting at the starting line, Rider looked visible annoyed.

"Why are we waiting?" She asked.

Kokutou Mikiya smiled. "Well, you're the best at riding things here. So it's only fair that we give them a chance, right?"

...That settled it. When the race was over, Rider was going to kill him, and use the Grail to keep Ryougi from finding her afterwards.

For now, though, Rider needed to vent a bit.

With a thought, her chariot manifested behind her. A black horse manifested beside her, tied to said chariot.

"Brace for impact, Master." She said, before kicking backwards.

As Mikiya landed in the chariot, Rider smacked her horse, and began riding beside it.

She may not be allowed to ride in her chariot, but if she rode alongside it, she should still benefit from it's power.

Moving shockingly fast, Rider and her horse began pursuing the competition.

Behind her, in the chariot, Mikiya began to wonder if he would get through the race without throwing up.

Click to shrink...

It didn't take long for Rider to catch up to the Mini. They wouldn't be passed again, Archer would make sure of that. Also it helped that she had the perfect Noble Phantasm to deal with Riders.

Suddenly a dozen guns appeared, surrounding the mini. They ranked up to match Rider's riding skill. Her innovation skill ranked up effectiveness of each gun by a decent degree. This Rider must be a servant with high mystery surrounding it. Aiming each gun at the Tandem bike Archer fires the guns but not before saying

"MAMI TOMOE AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!"