False Hope is about a dead man gaining a second lease of life as a Goa'uld and the journey he undertakes from there.
[SG-1] False Hope [OC, Stargate Universe]
- Thread starter Tyrell
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[SG-1] False Hope
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As two minds collide : Prologue
- Location
- Wherever the Beautiful Game takes me
The world was ending and James wasn't afraid. Watching the crowds scramble away, the surf rolling in, it was a hopeless struggle. To think that the world would end and that he would only be in his twenties when it happened.
A Tsunami, 100 meters tall and gaining speed. There would be little chance for survival for most of the Eastern coast of Australia when it hit unless they got into the mountains. The grand exodus of those trying to escape had left the motorway's choked and riots exploding across the cities. James had seen the writing on the wall. The tsunami had been triggered from what little he could understand on what was left of the internet by the eruption of Yellowstone setting off a chain reaction as tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion. As ash had started to fall on Australia from the far off eruptions across the Pacific's ring of fire, all of New Zealand had gone dark.
He hadn't bothered escaping or rioting, as it was this was the end of the world he knew and he'd prefer to end with it.Far better then having to exist in whatever dystopian nightmare would follow. So he went to the beach and enjoyed his last moments. The sun was still visible, apparently elsewhere it had become impossible to see it. Until five minutes ago he had also been enjoying the surf's edge before it began to slither away and a faint and ever growing smudge on the horizon announce itself.
That was five minutes ago, It was now in the bay, he could see ships climbing up the steep slope of the wave. It was growing bigger very fast. He closed his eyes.
He could hear the roar of it, like a freight train and it was only growing louder and everything else seemed to fade away. Just him and the wild water. What an ending.
Then there was pain and then finally silence.
~~~
Location: Second universe to the right and straight on til' death do you part
He felt something grab him, tugging at him, he felt strange.
His long serpentine body was squeezed out through a hole, out of its warm and soft cave. Light stabbed at his eyes and for some reason all he could speak were strange snakelike hisses. English seemed to escape his grasp and try as he might he couldn't do anything except hiss. Panic started to grip him. Then he felt absence, the hand that had clutched him tightly had let go of him.
He was weightless now, falling, and then he splashed down. Cool, cold water, safety from the bright lights and the empty spaces he had been in. His new animalistic instincts took over, his body pumping itself along to quickly slip down through the water and into a safe corner. He could see others like him floating around him. He pressed himself tighter into his corner of this pool he was in and started to furiously think over what circumstances might have brought him here.
It was very strange, one moment he had been on a beach, the next he was a water snake?
That was when the pain struck, a searing, mindblowing agony that clawed at his mind. It drove him to faint, and dream...
He dreamed of godhood, wars in heaven, the Sun God and the God Emperor, it taught him of ancient and unthinkable horrors, of victory and loss and then it showed him the truth of what he was. It was there in these dreams he found a second chance, a hope for better things.
A Tsunami, 100 meters tall and gaining speed. There would be little chance for survival for most of the Eastern coast of Australia when it hit unless they got into the mountains. The grand exodus of those trying to escape had left the motorway's choked and riots exploding across the cities. James had seen the writing on the wall. The tsunami had been triggered from what little he could understand on what was left of the internet by the eruption of Yellowstone setting off a chain reaction as tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion. As ash had started to fall on Australia from the far off eruptions across the Pacific's ring of fire, all of New Zealand had gone dark.
He hadn't bothered escaping or rioting, as it was this was the end of the world he knew and he'd prefer to end with it.Far better then having to exist in whatever dystopian nightmare would follow. So he went to the beach and enjoyed his last moments. The sun was still visible, apparently elsewhere it had become impossible to see it. Until five minutes ago he had also been enjoying the surf's edge before it began to slither away and a faint and ever growing smudge on the horizon announce itself.
That was five minutes ago, It was now in the bay, he could see ships climbing up the steep slope of the wave. It was growing bigger very fast. He closed his eyes.
He could hear the roar of it, like a freight train and it was only growing louder and everything else seemed to fade away. Just him and the wild water. What an ending.
Then there was pain and then finally silence.
~~~
Location: Second universe to the right and straight on til' death do you part
He felt something grab him, tugging at him, he felt strange.
His long serpentine body was squeezed out through a hole, out of its warm and soft cave. Light stabbed at his eyes and for some reason all he could speak were strange snakelike hisses. English seemed to escape his grasp and try as he might he couldn't do anything except hiss. Panic started to grip him. Then he felt absence, the hand that had clutched him tightly had let go of him.
He was weightless now, falling, and then he splashed down. Cool, cold water, safety from the bright lights and the empty spaces he had been in. His new animalistic instincts took over, his body pumping itself along to quickly slip down through the water and into a safe corner. He could see others like him floating around him. He pressed himself tighter into his corner of this pool he was in and started to furiously think over what circumstances might have brought him here.
It was very strange, one moment he had been on a beach, the next he was a water snake?
That was when the pain struck, a searing, mindblowing agony that clawed at his mind. It drove him to faint, and dream...
He dreamed of godhood, wars in heaven, the Sun God and the God Emperor, it taught him of ancient and unthinkable horrors, of victory and loss and then it showed him the truth of what he was. It was there in these dreams he found a second chance, a hope for better things.
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DoubleThought
Bad at Communicating
- Location
- The Moon. The? There are so many
The first sentence was an excellent hook. It grabbed my attention. That's a good thing.
However, the grammar throughout this prologue was just off enough for me to not be able to stuff it in the back of my mind. The first one I noticed was this:
It should be this:
The first sentence made me feel "off".
Reading and rereading your prologue has led me to one conclusion: you have the opposite problem of many writers. While they have too many commas, you have too few. As a reader, I use commas to gain a sense of rhythm while reading. Without the commas, your longest sentences seem longer. The entire prologue becomes hard to read.
Adding inline exposition (The tsunami had been triggered from what little he could understand on what was left of the internet by the eruption of Yellowstone setting off a chain reaction as tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion) to the mix, also missing commas, doesn't help.
I had to read and reread that sentence three times before I could understand it. Here's how I would have written it:
From what little he could understand on what was left of the internet, the tsunami had been ultimately triggered by the eruption of Yellowstone. It set off a chain reaction: tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion, leading to eruptions around the world.
Don't get me wrong, this prologue has brilliant imagery, and you're clearly extremely able to create scenes and scenarios. Practice writing and accept feedback, and your ability to communicate those scenes and scenarios will (relatively) soon match your ability to create them.
I look forward to seeing what you write.
However, the grammar throughout this prologue was just off enough for me to not be able to stuff it in the back of my mind. The first one I noticed was this:
It should be this:
The first sentence made me feel "off".
Reading and rereading your prologue has led me to one conclusion: you have the opposite problem of many writers. While they have too many commas, you have too few. As a reader, I use commas to gain a sense of rhythm while reading. Without the commas, your longest sentences seem longer. The entire prologue becomes hard to read.
Adding inline exposition (The tsunami had been triggered from what little he could understand on what was left of the internet by the eruption of Yellowstone setting off a chain reaction as tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion) to the mix, also missing commas, doesn't help.
I had to read and reread that sentence three times before I could understand it. Here's how I would have written it:
From what little he could understand on what was left of the internet, the tsunami had been ultimately triggered by the eruption of Yellowstone. It set off a chain reaction: tectonic plates were shifted by the immense explosion, leading to eruptions around the world.
Don't get me wrong, this prologue has brilliant imagery, and you're clearly extremely able to create scenes and scenarios. Practice writing and accept feedback, and your ability to communicate those scenes and scenarios will (relatively) soon match your ability to create them.
I look forward to seeing what you write.
- Location
- Italia
You have my attention good sir. Watched!
- Location
- Wherever the Beautiful Game takes me
Thanks so much for the critique! Yeah It's an ongoing issue with me and the commas XD I just need to sit down and edit it better and not rush to post it up :/
DoubleThought
Bad at Communicating
- Location
- The Moon. The? There are so many
You're welcome.
Not just commas. There's no competition to fit as much information as possible into a single sentence. Feel free to split up some of your longer sentences. That would probably do much for readability.
My main method of reviewing what I write is to read it aloud. That forces me to read what I actually wrote, not what I think I wrote. In my experience, I find lots of mistakes when I do that.
Not just commas. There's no competition to fit as much information as possible into a single sentence. Feel free to split up some of your longer sentences. That would probably do much for readability.
My main method of reviewing what I write is to read it aloud. That forces me to read what I actually wrote, not what I think I wrote. In my experience, I find lots of mistakes when I do that.
- Location
- Australia
Sounds like our MC was a doomed extra from that disaster movie 2012. Well, I have some major nostalgia for stargate, so watched i guess, looking foward to seeing where this goes.
Ascension
- Location
- Wherever the Beautiful Game takes me
AN: Big shout out to @rytan451 who has been willing to sit down and edit my writing, making it that much better!
James had spent several days since his arrival in the pool, biding his time, watching everything that happened. He stayed still as the caretakers came and went, plucking out the Goa'uld that were close to the surface.
The agony that had struck him on his entry to the pool had been mind blowing. Thousands of years of genetic memories asserting themselves, had not been kind in the moment. But, they had shown him what he needed to know. There was opportunity, unlike any he had ever had in his past life. Reincarnation? He wasn't sure what this was, but it had landed him a golden ticket now.
Sure, he might be a Goa'uld, a body jacking snake that had delusions of godhood and a penchant for insanity. But, he was a Goa'uld, part of a species that dominated the known galaxy, that ruled empires and that used technology that was so advanced, it was like magic. That was a far better existence than any office grunt could dream of gaining.
No. While there were moral and ethical problems with the Goa'uld as a whole, he could see how he might use what he'd gained for the better. In this new place he found himself, he could go so much further. His short time in the pool had given him time to consider what might he do.
In his past life, he had been ambitious, even by his own reckoning, working his way up the corporate ladder, ever striving for a better paycheck. Yet, in comparison to the memories he had inherited, those few paltry dollars were a laughable goal. What a Goa'uld dreamed of was power unimaginable and no authority to bow down to, to be worshiped and venerated by millions of devotees.
He had, of course, tempered the blind arrogance of his Goa'uld memories with his more cautious past self. It was all well and good to dream of conquering planets. It was another to actually have an actionable plan. Irony of ironies, his career and education gave him greater insight into what he might do to actually get there than his Goa'uld self could. To think, being an office grunt might be worth something as an alien dreaming of godhood!
Now, he had seen enough, and James knew what he had to do. He drifted upwards to the pool's edge and swam just beneath the surface. It didn't take long. The blurry shapes of people appearing above him, before their hands plunged down into the water. Carrying him as gently as they could, the hands drew him out of the water. He could see a large crowd: many blurry shapes and intermingling scents assaulted him as he moved through the air. It was overwhelming, nothing like the quiet calm of the pool, but it didn't last long. A face of a man quickly came into sharp focus, thrust towards James. The man was young, barely out of his teens, muscled like an olympic athlete. His mouth was wide open, prayers were being chanted, this if his memories were telling him the truth would be his new body. The gift was well received and taken. He sprang forward and took his first true steps as a Goa'uld, as Bai Qi, a god of war, son of Shang di, the God Emperor.
Bai Qi opened his eyes.
James had spent several days since his arrival in the pool, biding his time, watching everything that happened. He stayed still as the caretakers came and went, plucking out the Goa'uld that were close to the surface.
The agony that had struck him on his entry to the pool had been mind blowing. Thousands of years of genetic memories asserting themselves, had not been kind in the moment. But, they had shown him what he needed to know. There was opportunity, unlike any he had ever had in his past life. Reincarnation? He wasn't sure what this was, but it had landed him a golden ticket now.
Sure, he might be a Goa'uld, a body jacking snake that had delusions of godhood and a penchant for insanity. But, he was a Goa'uld, part of a species that dominated the known galaxy, that ruled empires and that used technology that was so advanced, it was like magic. That was a far better existence than any office grunt could dream of gaining.
No. While there were moral and ethical problems with the Goa'uld as a whole, he could see how he might use what he'd gained for the better. In this new place he found himself, he could go so much further. His short time in the pool had given him time to consider what might he do.
In his past life, he had been ambitious, even by his own reckoning, working his way up the corporate ladder, ever striving for a better paycheck. Yet, in comparison to the memories he had inherited, those few paltry dollars were a laughable goal. What a Goa'uld dreamed of was power unimaginable and no authority to bow down to, to be worshiped and venerated by millions of devotees.
He had, of course, tempered the blind arrogance of his Goa'uld memories with his more cautious past self. It was all well and good to dream of conquering planets. It was another to actually have an actionable plan. Irony of ironies, his career and education gave him greater insight into what he might do to actually get there than his Goa'uld self could. To think, being an office grunt might be worth something as an alien dreaming of godhood!
Now, he had seen enough, and James knew what he had to do. He drifted upwards to the pool's edge and swam just beneath the surface. It didn't take long. The blurry shapes of people appearing above him, before their hands plunged down into the water. Carrying him as gently as they could, the hands drew him out of the water. He could see a large crowd: many blurry shapes and intermingling scents assaulted him as he moved through the air. It was overwhelming, nothing like the quiet calm of the pool, but it didn't last long. A face of a man quickly came into sharp focus, thrust towards James. The man was young, barely out of his teens, muscled like an olympic athlete. His mouth was wide open, prayers were being chanted, this if his memories were telling him the truth would be his new body. The gift was well received and taken. He sprang forward and took his first true steps as a Goa'uld, as Bai Qi, a god of war, son of Shang di, the God Emperor.
Bai Qi opened his eyes.
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- Location
- Wherever the Beautiful Game takes me
Mmm perhaps I should change it then to be more clear. Yu is Shang di and Bai Qi is a god of war in his pantheon
DoubleThought
Bad at Communicating
- Location
- The Moon. The? There are so many
Historically, Bai Qi was a General of Qin. Also known as the "Man Butcher", he was undefeated in battle until his execution. Later, Qin Shi Huang unified China.
I suspect it was this historical figure that James decided to name himself after.
Yu Huang Shang Di is Mandarin for "Jade Emperor", and Shang Di literally means "Highest God". Fitting, in this setting, for a megalomaniacal brain snake.
I suspect it was this historical figure that James decided to name himself after.
Yu Huang Shang Di is Mandarin for "Jade Emperor", and Shang Di literally means "Highest God". Fitting, in this setting, for a megalomaniacal brain snake.