So You've Been Summoned By A Goddess: An Isekai Joint

I don't know how my schedule's going to shake out moving forward, but I'm aiming to get at least one update every Friday.

And now, on with the show.

[X] Conjuror
[X] Partner
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The ribbons snap taut around you, supporting, lifting and separating. Your hair gets pulled back and up into a samurai ponytail. Gold and green shift to red and black, a heavy white apron covers red leather pants and a black tank top. The apron's bow presents itself on the small of your back, its tails flap in Lilith's murder wind. Red leather gloves wrap up to your biceps, laced with some sort of mail. The hands feel like oven mitts. You feel like the gloves could catch blades, that your apron could break them.

You also feel the dry heat of Lilith's (less messy) lair on your naked back. You probably need the exposed skin to keep from overheating, but the blatant weak spot worries you. It's not like you were the most nimble of people, even with your goddess-blessed stockings.

But now's not the time to worry about that.

Now's the time to stick your magical girl pose.

You had the catchphrase, you finished the transformation...but you didn't think this far ahead.

Sure, you had practiced poses back in Shura-cho, but that was before you had boobs. You didn't want to default to the Sailor Moon hand signs and every time you tried to balance on one leg, you fell over.

"Nagisa from Precure," you mumble to yourself. "Nah, too plain, and I'd need a Honoka. Sailor Mars? Not an ESPer, don't have fire power. Cutie Honey? Not missing enough clothing, and my partner's too heavy. Superhero Landing Pose?" You muss up your hair, careful to not cut your head off. "That's not even a magical girl thing!"

You were starting to fret, Lilith's booming laughter made you fret harder. She was going to bully you. They always bullied you. You don't know why being in a different world or a different body would change that. You feel your eyes get wet, try manfully not to cry (even though you're a girl now).

"Good. Very good! The Great Lilith LaVey accepts your challenge and your transformation!" Her enthusiasm burns through the room, literally. Jets of hellfire and brimstone erupt around her. "Although the Great Lilith LaVey cannot abide such a vulgar tool being considered a magic wand." She looks at your partner with contempt.

You take your partner in a two-handed low stance, cradling him without getting chewed up by him. "Hey! My partner isn't vulgar! He's cool and totally worthy of being a magic stick." You look down to him. "Isn't that right, Partner?"

"Correct. Name recognized as PARTNER."

"Foolishness!" Lilith roars, hellfire roaring with her. "The wand is a magical girl's romance! It must be elegant, traditional, slightly sensual. Observe!"

She thrusts her hand into a jet of flame and pulls out a long obsidian staff. The relief of a dragon rests atop it, clutching covetously at a twilight gemstone the size of your fist.

Your male fist.

"Now this," Lilith says with geeky pride, "Is a magic stick." She sweeps it at you; the dragon relief stirs and cries. Its wings flap open, twin scythes of malevolent red energy forming beneath them. Similar energy pulsates in the heart of the gemstone.

"Impressive," you say, feeling threatened like its Penis Inspection Day. "But it's not about how it looks, it's how you use it!"

"Very well," Lilith nods. "Then I'll use it to take back my pride as a Demon Lord!" She chuckles darkly, a snort ruining the effect. "Rejoice, Ashley Campbell. You shall be the first sacrifice to a new me!"

[Ash Grace Crit!]

She comes at you like a bullet.

You come from Shura-cho; you're good at dodging bullets.

With a lightness you've never felt, you sidestep Lilith. The point of her scythe kisses your apron, marring its virgin white.

She skids to a stop, kicking up dust and brimstone. "You dodged my opening gambit, 'Death Reaps Life In Seven Breaths." She rubs at her nose, smiling proudly. "You are worthy to breathe my air, Ashley Campbell."

[How do you respond?]
[ ] So cool!
[ ] So lame!
[ ] So villainous!
[ ] So do you have any special moves?

"That's the nicest thing someone's said to me in a while," you say, blinking to see your power use screen and totally not because you're tearing up. "I'll try my best to live up to that."

"Don't try." Lilith is upon you again, kissing distance in a blink. "Do."

You bring your partner up in a desperate block. His body grinds against her staff's shaft.

It feels kinda dirty.

Green, gold and red sparks fly as you and Lilith clash. You have a slight edge in brute strength (you think), but she's way faster. You dig your heels in and push your weight on her, she flits away before you can overpower her.

"Speed over power, sleek over bulky!" She comes at you, again and again, striking at odd angles.

"I'm not bulky, I'm thick! Two Cs!" You can barely keep her in your sights. If you didn't have practice watching Nico's quickdraws, you'd be lost.

You've turtled up, warding Lilith away with your partner's wild swings. Your gloves and apron's integrity are already being tested; they're holding for now, but you can tell Lilith's going for the death of one thousand cuts. Your right eye is flickering, your Conjuror powers aren't finished loading. Kiss Devil and Six Flower Shield haven't even passed fifty percent.

"What's wrong?" Lilith mocks. "Will you not fight? Do magical girls wait to be bled in your world?" She's favoring your right side, she must have picked up on your eye. "Was your evasion a fluke? A lucky critical, perhaps?"

"It wasn't luck," you say, gritting your teeth. "It was pluck!"

"Luck or pluck, it matters not," Lilith scoffs, flying above you. "When all you are is a sitting duck!" She flings an orb of death at you, several times wider than your prodigious frame.

You rev your partner and squeeze your eyes shut, trusting your intuition.

[Ash Intuition Success!]

Your partner howls, then sings. Your arms feel warm and tingly, even through the gloves. Power floods through you. You see a vision of a chainsaw kick-starting higher brain patterns.

"Host Aetheric Synchronization complete. Projection Air download complete. Kiss Devil 69% loaded. Six Flower Shield 52% loaded. Select Projection Air macro phrase."

You speak without thought. "Rock. On."

With a swing you've practiced ten thousand times, you cut through the orb of death.

It's easier than cutting through a body.

Like cutting a body, you feel something splash on your face. Unlike cutting a body, it's not gross. It's raw energy, electric cool, oil and effort, and love. You open your eyes; your partner glows with awesome power, afterimages of his blade skipping around the real thing.

"You sliced through my Retrograde Dark Angel," Lilith says, arms crossed, still above you. "You may prove amusing yet." She's gloating at you, but also having fun. She might be having fun gloating at you, or gloating at you because she's having fun.

You hope it's the latter, but are used to the former.

"A magical girl's gotta know how to handle big balls," you say, immediately regretting your word choice.

"But can you handle two at once?" Lilith opens her arms, death in each hand and a blush on her face. "Satellite Dark Angel!"

Logic dictates you should dodge, or at least attempt to block. You don't trust your feet and Six Flower Shield is still loading.

Power logic dictates that any new ability you unlock will be immediately useful.

Power logic trumps logic logic, so you focus on your partner and Projection Air. And not on handling balls.

"Eat this!" Lilith whoops. The air screams as her death orbs hurtle towards you.

You close your right eye and take a power stance, partner straight in front of you. "Rock. On."

In your mind's eye, your brain revs again. You see a green wireframe on featureless black. You shape it into a familiar form. If one partner could handle one ball, two partners can handle two balls.

With a mental push, you launch the wireframe into being. It leaves your head as a green energy chainsaw. You can see the wireframe in patches, but it's the right shape and function. It could use a better roar, though.

It could also use a bit more integrity. It bites into the death orb, knocking it off course, before shattering. It doesn't cut the orb in half, but it gives you time and it gives you space.

Time and space you use to step in and cut through the other orb with your genuine partner. You mulch the orb, the shockwave slashes Lilith, drawing blood.

She squawks and crashes in one of many garbage bags still in her room.

"Accept no substitutes, huh?" You scratch your partner's underbelly, cooing to him.

"Correct."

You laugh and pat his side.

Honestly, you were starting to enjoy this. Life and death struggles were a lot more fun as a magical girl. Not that you chose to get into them in Shura-cho; that was more Nico's thing. You got pushed into them, more often than not. They were never fun.

Okay, the one with the zombies was fun, but only because you were saving the zombies that time. Zombie rockers, too. The lead girl gave you her number, but you were too shy to make a move. Story of your life.

But you died. And even though you died in this world, you're leaving that story in Shura-cho.

"How's that!" You thrust your partner towards Lilith's pile of trash. "Don't look down on magical girls with chainsaws!"

Choking pressure is your response. It forces you to a knee, you lean on your partner for support. The last time you felt such killing intent from cup noodles, it was when Nico tried to cook.

Lilith rises like Godzilla from the garbage. Her cloak has burst into black flame around her. A smoldering styrofoam cup crowns her. She exhales sulfur and ash.

"Multiple forms," you say, forcing yourself upright. "You really are a final boss."

"Weep with joy, Ashley Campbell," she snorts. "You have the honor of glimpsing the true power of an Archdevil."

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[What do you do?] {Action Button!}
[ ] Fight defensively, let Lilith wear herself out, then hit her with everything you've got. [Force]
[ ] Rush Lilith down, using your partner and your apron to protect you while you close the gap. [Force]
[ ] Harry Lilith with as many Projection Air chainsaws as you can until she makes a mistake. [Intuition]
[ ] Try and make something to restrain Lilith and end this fight with one shot. [Intuition]

Let's get banned earn that {Mature} tag.

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[X] Try and make something to restrain Lilith and end this fight with one shot. [Intuition]
[X] So villainous!

You're trying very hard not to wet yourself. Partially out of fear, mostly out of excitement.

You're facing down a real deal, no-shit Demon Lord! Something out of the LNs you love and the manga you hide. You've been blessed by two goddesses, given a dream body and a cheat power, and you get to wield your partner righteously.

Sure, the Demon Lord is coming at you with shockwave force to match her sonic speed, but that just makes it better. It's a good challenge. Not like the one you faced waking up every morning in Shura-cho.

Her air pressure cuts your arms; better her than you, better to bleed in a demonic NEET pad than your loveless bachelor pad.

You watch the downloads behind your eyelid crawl closer to completion. You don't know your abilities well enough to test Lilith's strength or endurance, or to roll the dice on your own. So you're not going to play Rope-a-Dope or charge in wildly.

Your eye flickers to the download on Six Flower Shield. 66%, nowhere near ready. Kiss Devil's at 88%.

Lilith cackles, ambulance sirens passing you by again and again. All you can do is keep vigilant with your partner, but for how long? A health bar isn't popping up and it's taking all of your concentration to maintain the mental image of your chainsaw.

Also to not die.

You launch two at Lilith, following the Doppler Effect of her snort. The flight data makes your head hurt, the download numbers on display shudder.

"Too easy!" She slashes them down with contempt. "Far too easy, human!"

You buy time with her gloating and press against a wall. Posters of Standard FPS Protagonists put their guns to your back. It's safer than the real thing.

"Don't final bosses," you pant, "normally say 'puny human'?"

"There's nothing puny about you!" Lilith bellows. "You and your useless meat!"

"There isn't an inch of Helena Hex's flesh that's useless!" You throw two more chainsaws, pure spite propels a third. Your legs wobble; you don't know if you can handle making more than three.

Lilith parries them easily, they explode like 70s Asteroids. She sees you quiver and savors your weakness. "That's good, human. Quiver for me."

"That sounds kinda sexual."

Lilith's hair erupts with flame, the room follows suit. "W-WHAT? You dare sully my unholy bantering talent with, with your perversion?"

A jet of flame catches your back. You leap and yelp, the flame has given your outfit a plunging backline.

You bring your partner up seconds before Lilith slits your throat. A pink blush has spread across her cherry-red demon face.

"Your banter is great," you say, straining againt her unholy might. "Super villainous!"

"You're just saying that to throw me off," Lilith says, trying not to smile. You can feel her oppressive heat, smell her equally oppressive nerd musk.

"I'm being honest," you yell, "ain't that right, Partner?"

"I am programmed to agree with that statement."

You give your partner a dirty look. "Wise guy, huh?"

Lilith headbutts you in the temple and into the dirt. You smell flesh cooking, like you got hit with a curling iron.

"Now is not the time for a comedy bit!" She huffs, giving you a breather. "Now is the eve of your destruction!"

She rang your bell. You shake it off. You're too dizzy to stand. "It's amazing how you can pull of those lines."

She puffs with pride. "My shamelessness is beyond any normie."

"I don't know," you say, noticing one of your downloads complete. "Those girls on the street could get pretty shameless."

Lilith recoils, the flames recoiling with her. "Don't compare my august personage with those loose normie bitches!"

"I'm sure they're very nice people," you say, frowning. "Becky did shows with them all the time, never had a bad word to say about them. And Becky said a lot of bad words."

Lilith's face contorts in nerd rage. "Sex-havers are the enemy! Like Luxuria!"

Lilith's scythe falls upon you, propelled by the hatred only involuntary celibacy can bring.

You activate your newly downloaded ability and let Helena Hex take the wheel.

Your parents told you love conquers hate. Nico tells you getting laid mellows people out.

[Ash Intuition Success!]

Your console is telling you Kiss Devil activated.

Lilith stuffs her tongue greedily in your mouth, trying to steal back the energy you're taking. Your chest burns, your lips sizzle, your display provides a status update. HP 120%, MP 120%. And rising.

You're glad you're a girl right now, or something else would be.

Lilith goes wide eyed, cross eyed, white eyed, limp.

A red strand of fate connects your lips.

A red exclamation point pops up in your field of vision. You blink at it and it opens.


Sure enough, your HP and MP are at 200%.

Lilith stirs, giggling drunkenly. Her track jacket and sweats are back on. "Am I a Sex Haver now?"

[How do you respond?]
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Maybe
[ ] I don't know, could you repeat the question?

You wonder if this is what Nico deals with? It's weird, but you feel pretty cool. Groovy, even.

Lilith's tracing circles on your shoulder with her finger. All her bloodlust has turned to love mush. "You know, these kinds of things are looked down upon."

"Girl on girl?"

"Human on Archdevil. The Covenant isn't to be entered lightly, or with lesser beings." She looks at you like her favorite slashfic. "But thanks to you, I'm no longer the only girl in my Scholomance without one."

"Covenant?" You ask, slowly feeling less groovy. "That sounds..."

"Magical?" Lilith says hopefully.

"Magical," you say, worried.

"Well it is. A Covenant is when a Devil is bound to another via an unbreakable bond. The only escape is death."

"That sounds a lot like marriage," you say.

"I suppose your human ceremonies are a reasonable facsimile," she dismissively waves her hands, "but yours doesn't provide absolute obedience."

Panic sets in. "Absolute obedience? So if you told me to bark like a dog, I'd have to do it?"

Lilith stands over you, hands on her hips. "Arf-xactly, Ashley Campbell."

"And if you put your hand out and said shake, I'd have no choice but to shake?" You put your hand out.

She crouches down to place her hand in yours. "Correct. You would be a complete pawn to my whims. Why, I could tell you to give me the clothes off your back!"

You play along, she's clearly doing a bit with you. "Give me the clothes off your back."

"Yes, Mistress." She unzips her track jacket (her Dark Lord gear is underneath), stops, and glares death at you through watery eyes.

"GodsDAMMIT! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

[Ash has gained DORK LORD COVENANT!]
[Lilith LaVey has gained CRIPPLING EMBARRASSMENT!]

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[What do you do?]
[ ] Ask Lilith to join your party
[ ] Get Lilith to explain the Covenant
[ ] Try to break the Covenant
[ ] Test the limits of the Covenant