So You've Been Summoned By A Goddess: An Isekai Joint

With all apologies to CS majors.

[X] Races of Scherzare
[X] Magic and shit
[X] Shura-cho

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You really want to know about Fairy Fight Club. You want to know about all the races of this world. And their fight clubs.

"So, what are the races and do they have any underground combat organizations?" Your fluffy tail wags, knocking over the choco-vanilla elves' drinks.

They don't seem to care, having stripped off each others' Earth fashion for traditional garb. It is not flattering.

"What'd I say about Fairy Fight Club," Nico sighs.

"You brought it up," you say, fox ears flattening.

"And I'm shooting it down." He makes a finger gun for emphasis. "Anyway, those two, as I'm sure you're aware, are elves." He points at the elf swirl struggle. "Aesir," he says of the vanilla elf. "Vanir," he says of the chocolate elf, choking out the vanilla elf with a figure four headscissors.

"Is it the standard light elf/dark elf thing?" You ask.

"Yeah, but the Aesir live underground. Well, they live in mobile city-mech things that burrow underground after they've pissed off enough people."

"Huh," you say. "These city-mechs, we talking cyberpunk sprawl or SDF Macross?"

"Little of both," Ash says, pointing out the faint neon green sheen on the vanilla elf's glowing face. "Aesir are real good at tech nerd wizard shit. The higher born ones get magical cyberware implanted at birth to make them better at it. They were godlike mages, until Isaacs showed up."

"Then why is she getting choked out by thunder thighs?"

"Aesir do so much with magic, they basically don't exercise. Or see the sun."

"My God," you gasp, "a race of CS majors..."

"Smug as fuck, too." Nico motions at the chocolate elf. "Vanir live in forests and stuff, and are super capricious. They're big on magic equals worth too, but more shamanic. Think jungle Drow."

"What's the difference between techy magic and shamanic magic," you ask.

"Besides the obvious? They come from different blessings. Every type of magic is a blessing from one of the 12 Immortals, who were blessed by Inanna."

"Bet you anything they're cheat skills," you say, grinning.

"Enough with the cheat skills Ash," Nico grumbles. "The Aesir and Vanir had magic beforehand. Aesir had magic of the material world, Vanir had magic of the spiritual. But then Isaacs come in and start adding shit. Hacking shit. Spreading the word. Disrupting their centuries-long game of ritual grabass."

"The elves can't have been happy about that," you say, hanging on Nico's every word.

"Nah. But it was them against the 12 Immortals," Nico says. "It was either get down or get dicked by the Demon Lord."

You're out of your seat and beaming. You bounce on your toes, your wrapped up partner riding happily on your back.

"They have a Demon Lord too? My loins are tingling with excitement!"

"That's the Beastkin pheromones," Nico says. "The Demon Lord's dead, so put your panties back on."

"Lame," you huff, sitting back down. "So who were the Immortals."

"The first company of Heroes. Nobody remembers their names, so they're referred to by their jobs: the Priest, the Shaman, the Necromancer, the Theurge, the Conjurer, the Magus, the Illusionist, the Alchemist, the Rogue, the Bravo, the Paladin and the Hunter. They innovated so hard everyone copies their skills instead. Even the Aesir and Vanir use their tricks now. Not that they'll admit it."

"So this world's got a Job system?" You stroke your partner. "What do you think my max level chainsaw skills qualify me for?"

"Dork," Nico teases. "All the magic in this world is either innate shit, old elf shit, reverse engineered Isaac shit, first run Isaac shit, or shit smuggled in from somewhere else."

"So my partner is the last one," you caress it, feeling the pleasant chill of steel under cloth.

"And that outfit's probably the first. The Vanir taught the Beastkin elemental magic in exchange for learning their shapeshifting."

"Oh yeah, the Vanir," yoy say, thinking. "Do they worship a bondage spider queen?"

"Nah," Nico says, "but they do sacrifice people to nature gods. They also have a rite that turns magically potent human men into Vanir women."

You groan. "Aw man, I could've been a cute brown elf?"

"But then you wouldn't look like Helena Hex," Nico says. "And stop looking at me like that. I like being a guy."

You lean towards him, bouncing in your chair. "But if you did that ritual, we could be cute girls together!"

Nico scoffs, tossing back his lustrous hair. "Please. I'm all man and still cuter than any girl."

"Arrogance isn't cute," you sit back in your seat, pouting.

"Neither is non-consensual genderbending," Nico says. "Anyway, Aesir and Vanir hate each other for some stupid shit back in the past, but generations of bloodshed has devolved into," he gestures to the vanilla Aesir frothing at the mouth and the chocolate Vanir about to puke. "...This."

"At least nobody's dying," you say.

"Only thing dead here is dignity," Nico says.

"There was a little goblin dude thrown out when I got in. Goblins aren't kinda racist rape monsters in this one?"

"You need to stop watching so much porn, Ash," Nico gives you a piteous look.

"It wasn't porn!" You cry. "It was mature dark fantasy for mature readers such as myself."

Nico snickers. "It was garbage, Ash. But nah, goblins aren't rape monsters. They're horny as fuck though. Breed like rabbits. Mad scientist rabbits. Really good at tech, really bad at impulse control."

"Do they like explosions?"

"Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

You shrug. "So are there Orcs?"

"Greenskin or pigman?"

"Both."

"Greenskins are goblins with gigantism, pigmen are Beastkin."

A nude pigman walks through your thoughts, making you shudder with each step. "Do all Beastkin have no nudity taboo?"

"Yeah, but they keep their clothes on in mixed settlements."

You see a toned, lean minotaur start to strip while devil women jangle bags of coins and swoon. You cover your eyes and point him out to Nico.

"Everyone does dumb shit when they're drunk, Ash," Nico says, gently pulling your hand from your eyes. "Beastkin also like to show off. Big on pack dynamics: tribes, families, crews, organizations, sports teams."

"There are sports teams?" You see a devil girl smack the minotaur's ass, yelling something that sounds like 100% beef.

"Well there's bloodsport," Nico says. "Pit fighting and it's nobler cousin, the Great Game. It's how Isaac nations deal with conflict instead of all-out war."

"So like No Game No Life?"

Nico looks at you with something resembling pity. "How and why do you know all this shit, Ash?"

"I learned Japanese through anime, manga and LNs," you say with pride.

"That explains so much," Nico says somberly.

You don't like how Nico is looking at you, so you focus his attention on the devils. "What's with the horny girls?"

"Those are Cambions: human/devil hybrids."

You reel back, crunching your tail against the bar. You bite back a hiss of pain as you wrap it around you. "Wait, those are a thing? Usually they're hunted down until only a chosen sidekick remains!"

"There's an entire nation of them. See Hellfire Imperium on that map?" Nico points it out to you. "That's where they hole up. They're also up in Demons and Decadence, but fuck that place. They trade with the Darklings, cauldron born movie monster types." Nico points to the vampire girl, drooling red on her table. "Most of them are humanoid, for crotch compatibility reasons."

"Leave it to humans to boink anything that moves in a fantasy world," you blush. You kinda want to make a Darkling or three. "What about dwarves?"

"Drunks. Tradesmen. Blue collar types. For about 100 years, they look like little kids and wander the world. Once they hit 101, the guys grow beards and the girls grow tits. By 150, they settle down into the mountains."

"So the kids are Halflings?"

"Do Halflings form banchou gangs and get into trouble?"

"Heck yeah," you say happily. "Except for the banchou gang part."

There's a Dwarf girl dressed like bosozoku dancing with the minotaur now. She's at least a foot shorter and clearly over 100.

You watch her and check your own boobs. You don't think you've lost to her.

Nico glances bored at your boobs. "They look bigger 'cause she's smaller, Ash."

You sigh in relief. Something on the map catches your eye. "Hey Nico, what's a Tiger Headed Opium Nightmare?"

Nico shudders. "Exactly what it says. You know that Rakshasa shit that hit Shura-cho a while back?"

"The stuff that was like PCP on Speed?"

"Yeah," Nico says. "Came from there." The beartender hands him a glass of something clear. You didn't see Nico flag for it.

"How'd it get to Shura-cho?" You drink your neglected mead. Still sweet. Still thick. Good.

"Beats me," he says. "My middleman told me about the shit when I got here."

You lean in close, whisper in his ear. "You think they can cross worlds?"

"Don't know, don't care." Nico looks down at you. "Your boobs are eating my arm."

"I bet we could figure out how to do it," you whisper, pushing against him. You know he's weak to money and mammaries, so you'll press him with both. "With the box. Heck, we could sell the box. Imagine what kind of money we could make sending stuff back or giving people superpowers." You rub his chest with a finger, willing to sell your pride for cool powers.

"I'm not giving you the goddamned box, Ash." Nico's voice gets hot. He grabs your finger. "You're not fucking with my bread and butter for some dumb nerd fantasy."

You flinch as if struck, then slam your forehead to Nico's. "It is not a dumb nerd fantasy! It's given me the only thing I've ever really wanted!"

"Miley could've given you the surgery and some titty skittles," Nico says, temper rising. "She could've given you fakes as big as those, if you weren't such a pussy about being a girl."

You slam your fist against the wall beside him. "That is not groovy, Nico!"

"You know what's not fucking groovy?" Nico's nostrils flare, you hear leather creak from his hands flexing. "Having my cleaner try to double cross my client on a deal she isn't in on!"

The atmosphere freezes.

He's yelling at you.

He never yells at you unless you've really screwed up.

He grabs you by the lapels. His rage simmers to cold, quiet fury. "This isn't a game, Ash. This isn't some fucking wish fulfillment fantasy. This is my job and you get down with it or I put you down. Are we clear?"

Before you can give him an answer, you see three girls get up wobbly from a side table. They're the party you got this outfit from and they're closing in fast.

The Mage girl, a redhead in rich purple robes, adjusts her glasses with a middle finger. Neon magic circles sprout behind her, crackling with dangerous energy.

The Assassin girl starts to flicker like old film as she reaches in her cloak. You've seen enough thugs to know she's not reaching for anything good.

The Warrior girl tosses back her modesty-preserving cape, revealing curled horns, a forked dragon tail and a battle bikini that would fit you better than her.

The Beastkin girl is grinding with the minotaur and the dwarf, oblivious to the rest of her party.

Battle Bikini draws her weapons, a gladius and round buckler. "Stand and deliver, fiend! Cease your assault on that innocent maiden!"

"Maiden?!" You blurt.

"Innocent?!" Nico laughs. He lets you go.

You feel something hard poke you. It's Nico's crossbow, half out of its holster. He's hiding his weapon with your pillowy thighs.

He gives you a predator smile, his earlier anger gone. You can tell his killing switch is flipped.

He gives Battle Bikini a tiger's eye and a cat smile. "So nice to see you're ready to die."

She gulps but holds, knees knocking and sword trembling. You remember the Beastkin girl saying they were starting out.

"T-The Adventuring Angels will not falter! This, I swear on the holy sword Chunchunmaru!"

You snerk. "Chunchunmaru..."

"Eh~ That's a holy sword?" Nico taunts, high and boyish. His voice drops, the room temperature drops with it. "When I send you to your maker, tell them you got ripped off."

You instinctively go for your partner. For whose sake, you're not sure.

[ADVENTURING ANGELS draw near! Command?]
[ ] FIGHT
[ ] TALK
-[ ] NICO
-[ ] BATTLE BIKINI
-[ ] MAGE
-[ ] ASSASSIN
[ ] ITEM
-[ ] MEAD
-[ ] GOLD
-[ ] STOCKING
[ ] FLEE

Stockings are powerful barter goods. Perhaps too powerful.

[X] ITEM: STOCKING
@@@

Nico's scaring you again.

But it's not the scary that makes you think he won't be your friend. It's not the scary you feel when you want to be more than friends. It's not even the scary where he's drawn a bead on you.

Nico is giving you a killing scare. You can see that Whitman gleam in his eye. He's looking at these girls through crosshairs. These three girls are going to turn into three corpses if you don't stop him.

You want to stop him. You need to stop him.

You also need a change of underwear.

But that comes later.

Now, you need to stall.

You clap your hands together, getting everyone's attention. "So," you say to Battle Bikini. "Given I kinda swiped these duds off your partner what say we get to know each other!?" You sweat and stammer, but force yourself to keep going. "My name is Ashl...Ashe! What's your name?"

Nico shoots you a sub-zero glance, then smiles at Battle Bikini with slit eyes. "Great thinking, Ashe! We need to notify their next of kin."

"I s-s-shan't be intimidated by some hooligan!" Battle Bikini flinches at Nico's raw killing intent. "I-My name is Erzsebet von Drakul! I count my kin among the Great Dragons!"

"Great Dragons, huh?" Nico whistles. "Then allow me the honor of bathing in your blood."

You start to panic, hug your partner to calm you down. "H-H-How about you two?" you ask the Mage and the flickering shadows you think are the Assassin.

"Maggie Solomon," the Mage says archly. She's starting to thrum with power. She smells of ozone and manga paper.

"...Nanashimaru," you hear from nowhere in particular.

"Well now that Ashe's gotten your names, this is no longer business." Nico bows, licking his lips. "The pleasure is mine."

His eyes are on where you heard Nanashimaru from. His left hand is over his crossbow, hidden in his bow. He'll draw that crossbow, shoot all three girls down, and watch them die. If anyone comes to their aid, they'll be in Nico's crosshairs too. He's got the fastest hands in Shura-cho, you don't think cheat skills can beat his speed.

You think you can suplex him here. Nico gets tunnel vision when he's in murder mode, and he's not paying attention to you. The thing is, when Nico gets in murder mode, anyone who moves against him is an enemy. You'd have to knock him out with the suplex. That means you'd have to put him into the bar or through a table, which would start a bar fight. While you were the Shura-cho Barfighting Federation 24/7 Champion, you didn't bring the belt with you to this world.

You could suplex Battle Bikini, Erzsebet or whatever, but Maggie Mage is lit up like a Christmas tree. Thanks to years of reading manga in the dark, your eyes aren't as good as Nico's, you wouldn't be able to follow Nanashimaru if she started moving. That means she can assassinate your ass pretty easily. If you attacked Erzsebet, you don't think Nanashimaru'd let you off with a kancho.

So you're dancing with what brought you.

You take off your other rainbow stocking and hold it up as a peace offering. "Everybody, be cool."

Nico looks up at you, violence on his face giving way to confusion. "Ash, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Giving them a stocking, duh," you say. "Want me to give them yours, too?"

Nico rubs at his temples and shudders. "Goddammit, Ash."

"Ashe," you say. "Really emphasize that E."

Nico smiles at you. It is a very annoyed smile. "E-fuck you. That better?"

You smile back; Annoyed Nico is better than Murder Nico. "Yep!"

Erzsebet takes the stocking from you, making satisfied noises. "Yes, this is a fair tribute. Exquisite design."

"Glad you like it," you say, thanking Ariel in your mind.

Erzsebet gestures to Nico. "Is this female rowdy bothering you, madam?"

"Oh no," you wave, "we were just having a drunken argument. No big deal." You nudge Nico with your partner's body. "Isn't that right?"

Nico sighs, his murderboner flaccid. "Yep. About who was prettier." He rolls his eyes at Erzsebet. "I'm a guy, by the way."

"Ah. You must be Aesir." Erzsebet says to Nico, putting away her sword.

"I'm human," Nico deadpans.

"A very pale Vanir, then."

Nico tries to retort but finds nothing. He grabs a drink that isn't his and chugs it.

Erzsebet gets very close to you. "...Do I know you from somewhere?"

You sweat. "N-not to my knowledge?"

She sniffs you. "Your robe smells like Ms. Tenko."

You hug your partner close again, shrinking away from Erzsebet. Your hand is on its handle, so you can hit her if need be.

"I'm Beastkin," you lie. "See the ears?" Your ears twitch nervously, your tail bristles.

"Ah, that makes sense," Erzsebet says, nodding.

You relax, let your partner drop to your side.

"Well then, let's get the formalities out of the way." Erzsebet pulls open your top. "Kon-kon-cha, fellow Beastkin!"

"Black lace," Nico says. "Classy."

You stifle a scream, blushing to your ears.

Erzsebet marvels at your mammaries. "Such heft! Such volume! Such pertness! And there's even a beauty mark...like Ms. Tenko said her assailant had."

You glare over to the Beastkin shaman, currently passed out naked on a table. If you knew how to, you'd set her on fire with your mind.

Erzsebet gasps. "You're no Beastkin, you're the pervert who assaulted her Royal Highness! Stripping a starting adventurer, does your lust know no bounds?" She's shaking you with an iron grip.

"Look, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation involving suplexes," you say, looking to Nico for help.

Nico keeps drinking. "Try giving her another stocking."

"Oh come on!"

You see static at the edge of your vision and feel a knife against your neck. "...Don't move." It's Nanashimaru, voice barely above a whisper.

Maggie makes a rude gesture with her hands, you're ensnared by chains of light.

Poorly aimed chains of light.

The force of them pushes you onto the bar...and Nanashimaru's knife into your throat.

"...Ah." You hear her whisper.

"Ah!" You see Maggie lost in thought, looking like she's going over calculations.

"Ah?" You see Erzsebet grab at the air where you were.

"Ah..." You gasp, clutching at your neck, bleeding like a virgin.

Nico snickers at the clown show. His snicker turns to a cry of anguish as blood runs down your bosom. "Ah, shit! Ash!"

Erzsebet grabs Ms. Tenko's dead drunk body as you lay dying, dashing to the exit before a crowd can form. "Tactical retreat!"

The other Adventuring Angels follow suit, Maggie rocketing out, Nanashimaru glitching out. You hear her whisper "...Sorry," faintly.

But everything's faint now.

You're really cold.

Nico's hugging you, holding you tightly.

He's really warm.

But you're getting colder. And sleepy.

"Ash, stay awake!" Nico's cradling your head, how can you stay awake when he's rocking you to sleep?

You giggle and give him a kiss goodnight.

"Don't you fucking die on me! Ash! ASH!"

@@@

You wake up to fractal galaxies.

And Ariel getting hit over the head with a golden paper fan by a high-class escort.

"How do you fuck up Isaacing this bad," the escort roars. "You're the thrice-damned goddess of fate and rebirth!"

Ariel flinches, tears in her eyes. "I do rebirth types, not summon types! Summon types are your job, Inanna!"

"Sorry to interrupt your play," you say, "But am I dead?"

Ariel nods sadly, face blotchy.

Inanna's fan morphs into a classy cigarette holder. She takes a deep drag and sighs golden smoke. "Deader than battle harems."

[YOU DIED. Deaths: 1; Stockings: 1]
[ ] TALK
-[ ] INANNA
-[ ] ARIEL
[ ] ITEM
-[ ] STOCKING
[ ] SUPLEX
-[ ] INANNA
-[ ] ARIEL
-[ ] BOTH

The Sandman said:

Dealer's choice.

Click to expand...

Click to shrink...

Alright then. Next stop, Suplex City

@@@

[X] SUPLEX
-[X] INANNA
-[X] ARIEL

You're not a happy Campbell.

You were all geeked up to have a wacky isekai adventure, with cheat skills and Demon Lords, a pretty tsundere that falls for you, and one to three other combinations of moe traits thrown into a blender as companions.

Instead, you get attacked by a rabbit, have your sexuality (and person) threatened by your tsundere best friend, get made fun of by a foxgirl and accidentally killed by her friends. And you were trying to save those girls, too!

The only thing that wasn't disappointing was your girl body. Even then you have to deal with wedgies, your partner practically spanking you when you run and your bra's underwire digging into your ribs when your boobs get to bouncing.

You didn't have to be Kirito, but you didn't sign up to be Subaru.

It's frustrating. This whole thing is frustrating.

So you take out your frustrations on the nearest damegami.

"This..." you shoot on Inanna, taking her back like Billy Robinson on meth. "Is NOT GROOVY!"

You German Suplex her three times, popping your hips perfectly. You release on the third, throwing her into a stunned Ariel. Gold crashes into green like St. Patrick's Day drunks.

"Hawaaa?!" Ariel flails under the much larger Inanna. "W-What is the meaning of this?" She's using Goddess Voice.

It does not fit.

"Myriad Hells, Ari? You summoned another Foxtrot Unicorn Isaac?" Inanna staggers to her feet, you Dragon Suplex her. She makes a satisfying crunch.

She coughs and kicks, trying to break your grip. "Whiskey," she says as you Tiger Suplex her. "Tango," you trap her arms and Straightjacket German her. "Foxtrot?"

You hold the bridge. Ariel can probably see everything, but you don't care. She's next.

"Why this," you growl. "Why any of this? Isekai are supposed to be wish fulfillment, right? Right?! Dying wasn't one of my wishes!" Tears well in your big blue eyes. "A cute girl like me shouldn't have to go through these things!"

Ariel gets to her feet, tries to break your bridge. It's futile. The Buddha himself couldn't. "Ashley, please! I granted your wish to be a girl, so stop suplexing the chief goddess already!"

You let go. "Fine."

Ariel smiles. "See, now we can all talk about this like rational-"

You grab her in a tight hug.

"I-I appreciate the affection but your breasts are smothering meEEEEEEEEE!"

You toss her into the air with a Belly to Belly. She's light and small, so she flies great.

Inanna dusts herself off, crackling with golden light. "YOU DARE DEFILE A GODDESS WITH MORTAL HANDS, YOU COCKSUCKAAAAAH!"

Ariel crashes into Inanna so hard they crack a hole in spacetime. The fractal galaxy white space makes a sound like tearing cloth.

You look at the hole, glowing a color that can only be described as Lovecraftian, and your nose starts bleeding. You think your brain is leaking out.

You feel better though. Stronger. Like the old you. You heft your partner one-handed to test your strength. He goes up easy. "Groovy."

Inanna and Ariel crawl out of the hole in forever. They're clearly worse for wear.

You and your partner are ready for them.

You rev him up, riding his good vibrations. "Now normally, I don't cut up the living. But you two are goddesses, right?" You smile evily. "You'll survive, right?"

"...Where'd you get this one, Ari?" Inanna looks at Ariel, eye twitching.

"A land of blood and gunpowder..." Ariel mumbles weakly into her chest.

"They Japanese?"

"They live there."

"Their Aetheric variables are glitched to fuck," Inanna says, summoning ruby rimmed glasses on her face. "You missed a bracket on your soul recompiler code. Caused a buffer overflow when they died."

"I'm an old goddess, Nanna," Ariel says. "I don't know what that means."

"Put some respect on my name, Ari." Inanna pulls up a status screen-looking panel from thin air. "It means they've got a godlike Aether Count right now."

No wonder you feel so strong.

You feel so strong you'll explode.

Hot pink ichor drips down the walls of the room, painting fractal galaxies black. Your entire body screams with energy, you're fit to overflow.

"I won't even need to cut you up," you say, drooling. "I can just eat you, skip the adventure part of isekai and go straight to godhood."

You zombie lurch at the tasty, useless goddesses.

The air changes. Golden sparks dance on nowhere wind.

Dozens of arms, all armed, bloom from Inanna's back. Her body takes a nude, golden sheen. You salivate at the thought of tasting her. Your partner bays for goddess blood.

Ariel whispers in her ear.

A tarnished shadow crosses Inanna's face. "Seriously?" she murmurs. It rattles your very bones.

"O reborn soul, cast in the flesh of the Midnight Magical Girl," Inanna grows until you fit in the palm of her hand. "Dost thou wish to take up her mantle?"

A thought cuts through your hunger, replaces it with another.

The Midnight Magical Girl.

Helena Hex.

Your idol.

You can wear her mantle, and not just her form?

"Do I?" All your strength flows into those two words. The force makes Inanna wince.

"Haah?" Inanna says, her voice Jupiter pressure upon you. "Dost thou or dost thou fucking not?"

"Nan-Lady Inanna," Ariel says, voice distant thunder. "Goddess Voice."

"Aw shit," Inanna clears her throat, ice sheets shatter and seismic plates shift. "Do you wanna become a magical girl like Helena Hex or not?"

You're flat on her palm. "Yes please."

Inanna returns to normal, flecks of gold flutter around he like a bottle of Goldschlager. "Cool."

She plunges her hand into your ample chest and rips out your heart.

You reach for it, gagging. You sound like a zombie. Now, you think zombies are cute, but you don't remember getting turned into one.

"Well fuck me," Inanna says. "Jashinization 66.6%" She turns to Ariel, looking down at the floor again. "This Isaac's world must be FUBAR."

"She seemed like a good person," Ariel says, steeling her resolve. "She has to be! A more wicked Isaac would've Jashinized completely under that much power. We'd be exorcizing a heretic goddess right now!"

There's history behind Ariel's words, dark and shameful.

"We'll see about that." Inanna squishes your heart, makes you croak. "You were talking all that good shit before, but your heart's as squishy as your body."

You force a smile, your teeth pinked with blood. "Yep..."

She takes your measure with eye and hand. "You really wanna be a magical girl? You were a dude before, right?"

She's got your heart, so you speak from it. "A magical girl's heart...knows no gender!"

Inanna laughs. "Totally FUBAR. But fuggit, if you can handle Jashinization to this extent, you can get the special service."

You try to laugh, it comes out a cough. "...With thigh highs on?"

"Don't push it." She crushes your heart, kneads it like clay. It glows blue, gold, then pink. She shoves it back in your body, you feel power flow through you again.

But this time, it's not hungry. It's filling. Warm. Loving.

You explode in pink, it fades to black. Your, Helena's dress clings to your form again. It feels like second skin.

A pink diamond heart rests on a choker around your neck. You touch it, it has a pulse. It's like Helena Hex's, but you feel it's truly yours.

"Ain't that some shit?" Inanna nods, lips pursed. "You handled the Heretic's Blessing without turning into a slime or a spider or something."

"Is that good?" You check for a wedgie, find none.

"The Heretic's Blessing has the heaviest Aetheric cost," Ariel says. She seems happy to do the exposition. "So most people who get it can't maintain human form." She twiddles her fingers. "Your circumstances gave you the necessary strength for it."

"Yep," Inanna grins, using Ariel as an armrest. "Ari fucked up so bad it turned into a win."

You twirl around, don't feel the underwire of your bra. "So what does that mean?" You check to see you're actually wearing one.

"It means you have the potential to gain every other Blessing," Ariel says, "...because I messed up and almost made you a heretic goddess."

You confirm you're wearing underwear with a nod. "Why's it called the Heretic's Blessing then? Also, why am I wearing a thong now?"

"No wedgies," Ariel says.

"Because having more than one Blessing is heresy," Inanna says. "It puts you on par with a heretic god." She claps a strong hand on your shoulder. It feels like when the very nice men of the Yakuza would get you to do stuff. "Which is why I'm tasking you to defeat one."

"Wait, wha?" Your eyes sparkle. "I get a hero quest?"

"Hero's a little..." Inanna sucks on her teeth. "But you'd get to fight Witch-Kings, Archdevils, Demon Lords and whatever the fuck else they call Maous where you're from."

You squee and give Inanna a bone crunching hug. Inanna freezes, eyes wide with anticipatory fear.

Ariel scrambles to help, eight giant skeletal arms, phosphorus green, form around her. The hands, each as large as a man, grasp at nothing.

"I'm not gonna suplex you," you whisper to Inanna. "I'm not gonna suplex her," you call out to Ariel. "This is a hug. It's just a hug."

Ariel relaxes, but is clearly still on guard.

"So what do I have to do," you ask Inanna.

"Retrieve the eight Sinner's Arms and slay the heretic goddess Loviatar," Inanna says. "Simple shit, right?"

You look back to Ariel, the arms have disappeared. She whistles nervously, her flesh arms are behind her back.

"Do I get paid?" You ask.

Inanna's face contorts in anger. "Haah?"

"Just kidding," you chuckle-gulp. "Do I start with all the powers or?"

"Pfft, no." Inanna snorts in your face. "If we gave you everything now, you'd fully Jashinize. Plus, that'd be boring AF." She turns to quicksilver gold in your arms, flows passed Ariel and blossoms into a fashion runway.

You marvel at the site, catch Ariel biting her thumb.

She's muttering to herself. "If I had my full power, I could do something that cool..."

Inanna bubbles up from the gold, wearing couture that would make Karl Lagerfeld rise from the dead. Twelve cosplay outfits from your wildest fantasies strut out to flank her, all worn by golden reproductions of your body.

"Oi," Inanna asks you. "You go by Ashley or Ash?"

"Ash," you say in a daze. "But Ashley is girlier."

"Ash it is," Inanna says, gesturing to the outfits. "Take your pick so we can get this shit started for real."


>Initializing TenCo console...
...
...
...Ready!

From zero, one.

From one, four.

From four, twelve.

From twelve, myriad.

The goddess Inanna blesses those of strong will with power beyond mortal understanding. She uses TenCo tech to do it, but don't tell her subjects that.

As a bona-fide Isaac case, you can harness the full extent of TenCo reality hacking. As you're not full blooded Japanese, interfacing may take time. But rest assured, since you've been living in Japan for [9+] years, the full suite of your chosen hack will be available.

>Enter Blessing:
>Heretic's|
>LOADING...
...
...
...Ready!

You have chosen: Serve the Servants
MAGICAL GIRL

Using the spiritual power of Aether, you can enhance your body to superhuman levels. Speed, strength, agility, endurance, vitality all increased to starting maximum. With an expenditure of Aether, TenCo "cheat skill" reality hack templates can be downloaded to user, unlocking the corresponding blessing for a period of time. At [CLEARANCE RANK 1], user blessing access is three minutes.

Direct Aetheric manipulation and consumption is possible, but overuse can lead to corporal destabilization and fatal TenCo console errors.

And we do mean fatal.

MAGICAL GIRL comes preloaded with one of four default templates: Force, Grace, Intuition and Resolve. Your starter template will give you an affinity for situations regarding the template's domain.

FORCE is physical power, toughness and health. It also represents physical presence and intimidation. The three preloaded templates for FORCE are:
-BRAVO: A weaponmaster and duelist bar none. From their soul, weapons bloom.
-PALADIN: A knight-errant of valor. Their word and their armor is unbreakable.
-HUNTER: A berserk warrior who gains strength from the wilds.
Become a beast.

GRACE is physical, social and mental dexterity. Those with a graceful affinity are quick, flexible and clever. The three preloaded templates for GRACE are:
-ROGUE: A strategic scoundrel who deals in trickery, theft and misdirection. They never see it coming.
-ILLUSIONIST: An enchanting figure that weaves illusions and warps minds. Fool the eye, fool the world.
-ALCHEMIST: A gunner and chemist riding the edge of genius and madness. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

INTUITION is the ability to know things, notice things, and see the world for what it truly is. It is intelligence and perception, the marks of true knowledge. The three preloaded templates for INTUITION are:
-THEURGE: A summoner and binder of beings beyond mortal ken. You hold the key and the gate.
-CONJUROR: A blacksmith hero, who can create wonders from thin air. Trace on.
-MAGUS: A shaper of raw energy, who can bring destruction with a glance. Magic is power.

RESOLVE is raw belief, determination and force of will. It is mental fortitude and the fortune faith can bring. The three preloaded templates for RESOLVE are:
-PRIEST: A healer, protector and shaper of flesh. Reach out and touch faith.
-SHAMAN: A protector of the old ways, who can call on the elements themselves. Earth, wind and fire.
-NECROMANCER: A spiritual medium who deals with both living and dead. The dead can dance.

[Select Your Affinity]
[ ] Blessings of Force
[ ] Blessings of Grace
[ ] Blessings of Intuition
[ ] Blessings of Resolve

>Loading previous Aetheric data...
...
...Ready!

You were wearing [SHAMANIC VESTMENTS]! You can keep one of three minor blessings from the innate Aetheric data of the equipped gear.

[Select your minor blessing]
[ ] Fox Wedding: You can heal illness, disease, injury and other afflictions with a well-cooked meal. With the proper ingredients, you can make minor potions as drinks.
[ ] Kemonomimi-michi: You gain the ability to speak with and possess beasts and monsters. You also gain enhanced sight, hearing, taste and a "sixth sense" of other Isaacs and high Aether targets. You also get fox ears and a tail.
[ ] Black Magic Woman: You can call upon the powers of foxfire, minor illusions and spirit speech. Magical affinity uncapped, magic learning time halved.