51. Heart to Heart
- Location
- Brittany, France
- Pronouns
- He/Him
51. Heart to Heart
If you pause to think about it, to consider the implications, you will never say anything. So you take a leap of faith.
"I have a demon," you blurt out. Aneke stares at you with wide eyes.
"...demons exist?" she asks. You pause. You stare at her.
You burst out laughing. God, it is such a weird thing, living in this world. A world where you can say with utter seriousness that you have a demon, and the reaction you get isn't disbelief or panic or incomprehension, but surprise at learning about yet one more supernatural gribbly that should be watched out for.
"Yeah," you say, wiping a tear off the corner of your eye, "yeah, demons exist. Although most of them aren't, like, physical things. They exist within people's minds, a voice telling them to do things."
"Bad things?" Aneke says, folding her arms and looking concerned.
"Sometimes good, sometimes bad - just, things. I don't know if they really have a morality, more like obsessions."
<Lily, I'm not sure this is a great idea,> Root chimes in. Ah, curses, you'd thought this might be one of the times he wasn't paying attention to you. Well, he will have to deal with… Aaand there it is. Just from him saying it, you're suddenly starting to doubt yourself. His influence is subtle, but it weighs on your mind. You gave in to his power recently, and it makes his advice more convincing.
All the more reason to resort to good old-fashion Chambord stubbornness and just power on through.
"He's talking to me right now," you sigh, "telling me I shouldn't tell you this."
"Hm." Aneke looks at you, thoughtful. "Okay, so, you know I have to ask this - how do you tell the difference between a demon in your head and plain old crazy?"
You smirk.
"Crazy doesn't give you extra magical powers."
"Fair, fair," Aneke nods.
<Lily…> Root sighs, and you force yourself to ignore him.
"So it tells you to do things. Including dumb things like 'not tell my best friend that I have a demon in my head.' And it gives you more magic powers, like you didn't have enough already. And it's called a demon. That's… not a great look."
You sigh. You're still standing at the threshold of the bar; in the room behind you the werewolves are moving and chatting, preparing themselves for the big meeting.
"Let's move," you say, "we can find somewhere more comfortable to talk."
Aneke gives you a worried look, then nods, and you leave.
***
You are both sitting on Longton's pier, cobblestones under your feet, the ocean stretching ahead of you, glittering under the sun. The smell of kebab is delicious to your nose, the foil wrap warm in your hands, and you eat slowly, enjoying a moment of comfortable quiet.
You told Aneke everything. It was hard at first; you wanted to keep it to a minimum, to hide some of the more worrisome details, but the more you spoke, the more you felt the need to explain it all. So you told her about the power Root can grant you, has granted you in the past, how it was with his strength that you fought in the museum, how it was with his help that you defeated the werewolf, how he offered you a realm within your dreams. And how the more you give in, the easier it is to give in again.
All the while Root has said nothing. You know he must disapprove of how forthright you are being, but you can't sense his feelings. You will have to talk to him the next time you meet in dreams, around these strange and empty thrones. For now, it's just you and Aneke. You stopped talking a few minutes ago, and the both of you have been eating in silence. Not an awkward one; the silence of two friends comfortable enough with each other to respect that they are both thinking, and to wait until one of them feels like speaking up again.
It's Aneke who opens up first.
"It's not like I can't relate," she says, and sighs. You look at her curiously, and she winces. "We don't like to talk about our condition much, you know. I've never been much into that magic stuff. I enjoy going out on four-legged hikes, but I don't want my life to revolve around the supernatural. I want to do normal studies and get a normal job and just have this be a small side of my life."
You nod slowly. It's not something you can really understand, having been raised with magic since your birth, but you take her word for it.
"So... We werewolves have what we call the 'Beast,'" she says, looking uncomfortable. You raise a hand.
"Hey, 'Neke. You don't have to tell me… Werewolf secrets, or stuff that makes you uncomfortable, just so I can feel better about myself. Right? Don't worry about it."
"Nah," she says, looking frustrated. She shakes her head. "I think it's important, for both of us. To understand. We weres tend to think other people can't really get it, but… I think, you know, it's good for us both, because you're a special case. Your demon can help you get my Beast. My Beast can help me get your demon."
You nod slowly, waiting for her to go on.
"So. The Beast. It's not like your demon, not a sentient thing, a voice in your mind. It's an animal. When you're first bitten by a werewolf, it grows inside you, and you don't notice. It lives on a 28-days cycle. It sleeps, growing stronger, and on the three days around the full moon, it awakes. At nightfall each day, it takes over your body, transforms you into something… Wild. But beautiful. Lean and strong and perfect," she says, and her voice has a wistful tone to it. "It's not a boogieman. It's a beast. It has beastly urges. It wants food, safety, freedom. It wants to enjoy itself for the night. If you live out in the boonies, there isn't much risk to it. You can just let it take the reins each night and it will run off into the woods or mountains, kill and eat a deer, enjoy the wild, and at awn you'll wake up naked in the middle of nowhere but feeling… Good. Refreshed. Strong and at peace."
"But… That's not what it's like for you," you say, remembering your discussion in the museum. She talked about "bane," and not being ruled by the lunar cycle.
"Yeah," Aneke says through a mouthful of spiced meat. "Us weres in the city, we can't afford to be like that. If we just let the cycle take its course, we'd hurt people, and locking yourself up in a basement three nights a month is much more difficult than you might think, and not foolproof. So we drink an infusion of wolfsbane. It would kill a normal person - don't you ever make tea in my apartment without me checking it, I'm serious - but for us it's like… Tranquilizers for the Beast. It keeps it sedate. It doesn't wake up on the full moon, and we can control it, tap into it, transform at will. But it also means we're connected to it. It never wakes up, but we feel… Its dreams," she says, waving a hand evasively.
"Its dreams." You frown, thinking of Root's realm, its standing stones and deep forests and empty thrones. Does Root sleep? Does he dream? What are a demon's dreams like?
"When we're hungry, it's almost overpowering. It doesn't mean we think about eating people, just that we wolf down - eh, sorry, pun unintended - half the fridge in an evening. When we're angry, it's easy to think about how powerful we could be if we just let go. It's not a voice in your mind, just a push along certain lines, certain urges and emotions. And we have to learn to keep it in check."
You nod, taking another bite of kebab. It's pretty good - you've noticed before that Aneke seems to have an uncanny knowledge of all the best eateries in town. Now you wonder if it's because of experience with that hunger she describes, sudden impulses in the middle of the day to eat something, anything, that let her to test most of the fast food places in Longton and record the best ones for when the hunger came next.
Uh. That was an oddly specific insight.
"So, I don't have a demon. But I have something in my head urging me to do things. I can relate to you having the same. And I can help you with that, if you want me to."
You smile weakly.
"That's why I told you, really," you say. "I'm worried I might… Lose perspective, if I give in to him too much. Not realize what's a bad idea anymore, which ideas are mine and which are the demon's. If you could just… Keep an eye on me… Make sure I act like the Snowflake you know. That would be helpful."
Aneke smiles back, and hers is stronger, more confident. The smile of someone who has had to deal with her own backseat rider in her mind for longer than you have, who has been trained into dealing with it.
"Of course. And you can do the same, if I ever look like I'm about to do something stupid and more wolf-like than Aneke-like. Deal?"
"Deal," you say seriously, offering your hand, and she takes it. You both shake on that vague, flimsy deal, and yet it makes you both feel good.
<Are you done?> Root asks, his first interruption since the bar. You start visibly, and Aneke gives you a surprised look. <I respect your choices, Lily, but this really wasn't ideal. I only want good things for you, and now you have someone who will second-guess you all the time when I am just trying to push you towards greatness.>
"Is he… talking to you right now?" Aneke asks, frowning. She probably saw the irritation on your face.
"Yeah." You sigh. "He's not happy about this."
"Your demon's kind of a dick, you know that? How can he think that not trusting your friends with important information about your mind and your magic is a good idea?"
<Because she has no idea what you and I are! What we can do together, unimpended! You're not just some werewolf, or even an ordinary mage - you could have this city on its knees in worship.>
You cringe visibly, a feeling like nails on the chalkboard of your soul.
"Lily..?" Aneke asks.
"Sorry. It's just… Wow. I never had someone talk to Root through me, and him talking back. It feels really, really weird." You shudder. "Not comfortable at all. Please don't try to have a 'tell him I said…' conversation that way, it's almost painful."
"Sure thing," Aneke says very seriously. "And… Well, I have an idea."
"Yeah?" you say, rubbing your temples, still feeling a headache.
"This demon wants you to be, like… A huge showoff. It wants you to be big and important and respected."
You nod, vaguely uncomfortable. It's not like you dislike the idea. You're a wizard, after all, a wizard from a long bloodline, one who hopes to one day be a true sorceress. You would be lying if you claimed to not find the idea of others looking up to you appealing, but Root is very callous about it, obsessed by your place in supernatural society even though you haven't made any real breakthrough yet. You haven't earned all the attention he wants you to get.
"So…" Aneke says, a mischievous glint in her eyes, "and don't think I'm saying this to be mean to you, not at all. You're my friend, and I'd hate to see it. But… You could put yourself in ridicule."
You stare at her, baffled.
"Yeah," she continues, grinning. "Like, the mages have this meeting, the werewolves will show up, it's all very big and serious, right? And then you walk in, the wizard who beat up the captive werewolf, the justification for this whole project, and you just… Trip and sprawl up on the ground. Or say something really dumb. Something that isn't going to ruin the negotiations, but which will make you look like an idiot."
"What… what's the point of that?" you ask, baffled.
<What's the point of that?!> Root asks, outraged.
"It puts your demon in his place," Aneke says with a shrug. "It reminds him that you can always, if you want, humiliate yourself publicly. It teaches him that you aren't his bitch, pardon my French, and that he'd better deal with you carefully, and be nice and make polite suggestions, rather than be a huge drama king urging you to ham it up for everyone's attention. It reminds him who's the boss."
Uh.
<This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why is she your friend again?>
Well…
It kind of makes sense.
But there is a lot of political clout riding on that meeting, clout you might be throwing away making a fool of yourself. And Root's ideas are tempting. He's not telling you to rip out hearts and eat babies, he wants you to act so that people will respect you, so that you will have influence in the new order of Longton.
On the other hand, all of this has been a series of huge distractions on your one true quest. Do you really need political clout and influence among supernatural communities, when all of this will saddle you with responsibilities that get in the way of pursuing True Sorcery?
It's still afternoon, but it's not like you can show up to the Big Event unprepared. You need time to plan out whatever you're going to do and say when Sarah and Adam put forward their proposal for a magical task force and the werewolves crash the party and everyone launches into chaotic debates of which you, and your experience with a rogue werewolf hunting you, will be the centerpiece.
[ ] Look like an idiot. Both Adam the mage and Jeremiah the werewolf are using you to support their positions, so it won't disadvantage any one side more than the other. But it will teach Root a lesson, and make sure you're not involved in policing shenanigans and can focus on your research.
[ ] Just keep a quiet presence. You don't have to go to far. You can just be a face and a name that other people brandish about while you stay on the sidelines. It's likely that someone will try to enlist you into something, but it'll be your choice to accept or refuse.
[ ] Assert yourself. You're the reason Adam and Sarah have the clout to suggest a magical enforcement group, and the reason the werewolves will be there at all. Root is right; you are key to everything, and your word, whichever side you decide to support, will be worth your weight in gold.
If you pause to think about it, to consider the implications, you will never say anything. So you take a leap of faith.
"I have a demon," you blurt out. Aneke stares at you with wide eyes.
"...demons exist?" she asks. You pause. You stare at her.
You burst out laughing. God, it is such a weird thing, living in this world. A world where you can say with utter seriousness that you have a demon, and the reaction you get isn't disbelief or panic or incomprehension, but surprise at learning about yet one more supernatural gribbly that should be watched out for.
"Yeah," you say, wiping a tear off the corner of your eye, "yeah, demons exist. Although most of them aren't, like, physical things. They exist within people's minds, a voice telling them to do things."
"Bad things?" Aneke says, folding her arms and looking concerned.
"Sometimes good, sometimes bad - just, things. I don't know if they really have a morality, more like obsessions."
<Lily, I'm not sure this is a great idea,> Root chimes in. Ah, curses, you'd thought this might be one of the times he wasn't paying attention to you. Well, he will have to deal with… Aaand there it is. Just from him saying it, you're suddenly starting to doubt yourself. His influence is subtle, but it weighs on your mind. You gave in to his power recently, and it makes his advice more convincing.
All the more reason to resort to good old-fashion Chambord stubbornness and just power on through.
"He's talking to me right now," you sigh, "telling me I shouldn't tell you this."
"Hm." Aneke looks at you, thoughtful. "Okay, so, you know I have to ask this - how do you tell the difference between a demon in your head and plain old crazy?"
You smirk.
"Crazy doesn't give you extra magical powers."
"Fair, fair," Aneke nods.
<Lily…> Root sighs, and you force yourself to ignore him.
"So it tells you to do things. Including dumb things like 'not tell my best friend that I have a demon in my head.' And it gives you more magic powers, like you didn't have enough already. And it's called a demon. That's… not a great look."
You sigh. You're still standing at the threshold of the bar; in the room behind you the werewolves are moving and chatting, preparing themselves for the big meeting.
"Let's move," you say, "we can find somewhere more comfortable to talk."
Aneke gives you a worried look, then nods, and you leave.
***
You are both sitting on Longton's pier, cobblestones under your feet, the ocean stretching ahead of you, glittering under the sun. The smell of kebab is delicious to your nose, the foil wrap warm in your hands, and you eat slowly, enjoying a moment of comfortable quiet.
You told Aneke everything. It was hard at first; you wanted to keep it to a minimum, to hide some of the more worrisome details, but the more you spoke, the more you felt the need to explain it all. So you told her about the power Root can grant you, has granted you in the past, how it was with his strength that you fought in the museum, how it was with his help that you defeated the werewolf, how he offered you a realm within your dreams. And how the more you give in, the easier it is to give in again.
All the while Root has said nothing. You know he must disapprove of how forthright you are being, but you can't sense his feelings. You will have to talk to him the next time you meet in dreams, around these strange and empty thrones. For now, it's just you and Aneke. You stopped talking a few minutes ago, and the both of you have been eating in silence. Not an awkward one; the silence of two friends comfortable enough with each other to respect that they are both thinking, and to wait until one of them feels like speaking up again.
It's Aneke who opens up first.
"It's not like I can't relate," she says, and sighs. You look at her curiously, and she winces. "We don't like to talk about our condition much, you know. I've never been much into that magic stuff. I enjoy going out on four-legged hikes, but I don't want my life to revolve around the supernatural. I want to do normal studies and get a normal job and just have this be a small side of my life."
You nod slowly. It's not something you can really understand, having been raised with magic since your birth, but you take her word for it.
"So... We werewolves have what we call the 'Beast,'" she says, looking uncomfortable. You raise a hand.
"Hey, 'Neke. You don't have to tell me… Werewolf secrets, or stuff that makes you uncomfortable, just so I can feel better about myself. Right? Don't worry about it."
"Nah," she says, looking frustrated. She shakes her head. "I think it's important, for both of us. To understand. We weres tend to think other people can't really get it, but… I think, you know, it's good for us both, because you're a special case. Your demon can help you get my Beast. My Beast can help me get your demon."
You nod slowly, waiting for her to go on.
"So. The Beast. It's not like your demon, not a sentient thing, a voice in your mind. It's an animal. When you're first bitten by a werewolf, it grows inside you, and you don't notice. It lives on a 28-days cycle. It sleeps, growing stronger, and on the three days around the full moon, it awakes. At nightfall each day, it takes over your body, transforms you into something… Wild. But beautiful. Lean and strong and perfect," she says, and her voice has a wistful tone to it. "It's not a boogieman. It's a beast. It has beastly urges. It wants food, safety, freedom. It wants to enjoy itself for the night. If you live out in the boonies, there isn't much risk to it. You can just let it take the reins each night and it will run off into the woods or mountains, kill and eat a deer, enjoy the wild, and at awn you'll wake up naked in the middle of nowhere but feeling… Good. Refreshed. Strong and at peace."
"But… That's not what it's like for you," you say, remembering your discussion in the museum. She talked about "bane," and not being ruled by the lunar cycle.
"Yeah," Aneke says through a mouthful of spiced meat. "Us weres in the city, we can't afford to be like that. If we just let the cycle take its course, we'd hurt people, and locking yourself up in a basement three nights a month is much more difficult than you might think, and not foolproof. So we drink an infusion of wolfsbane. It would kill a normal person - don't you ever make tea in my apartment without me checking it, I'm serious - but for us it's like… Tranquilizers for the Beast. It keeps it sedate. It doesn't wake up on the full moon, and we can control it, tap into it, transform at will. But it also means we're connected to it. It never wakes up, but we feel… Its dreams," she says, waving a hand evasively.
"Its dreams." You frown, thinking of Root's realm, its standing stones and deep forests and empty thrones. Does Root sleep? Does he dream? What are a demon's dreams like?
"When we're hungry, it's almost overpowering. It doesn't mean we think about eating people, just that we wolf down - eh, sorry, pun unintended - half the fridge in an evening. When we're angry, it's easy to think about how powerful we could be if we just let go. It's not a voice in your mind, just a push along certain lines, certain urges and emotions. And we have to learn to keep it in check."
You nod, taking another bite of kebab. It's pretty good - you've noticed before that Aneke seems to have an uncanny knowledge of all the best eateries in town. Now you wonder if it's because of experience with that hunger she describes, sudden impulses in the middle of the day to eat something, anything, that let her to test most of the fast food places in Longton and record the best ones for when the hunger came next.
Uh. That was an oddly specific insight.
"So, I don't have a demon. But I have something in my head urging me to do things. I can relate to you having the same. And I can help you with that, if you want me to."
You smile weakly.
"That's why I told you, really," you say. "I'm worried I might… Lose perspective, if I give in to him too much. Not realize what's a bad idea anymore, which ideas are mine and which are the demon's. If you could just… Keep an eye on me… Make sure I act like the Snowflake you know. That would be helpful."
Aneke smiles back, and hers is stronger, more confident. The smile of someone who has had to deal with her own backseat rider in her mind for longer than you have, who has been trained into dealing with it.
"Of course. And you can do the same, if I ever look like I'm about to do something stupid and more wolf-like than Aneke-like. Deal?"
"Deal," you say seriously, offering your hand, and she takes it. You both shake on that vague, flimsy deal, and yet it makes you both feel good.
<Are you done?> Root asks, his first interruption since the bar. You start visibly, and Aneke gives you a surprised look. <I respect your choices, Lily, but this really wasn't ideal. I only want good things for you, and now you have someone who will second-guess you all the time when I am just trying to push you towards greatness.>
"Is he… talking to you right now?" Aneke asks, frowning. She probably saw the irritation on your face.
"Yeah." You sigh. "He's not happy about this."
"Your demon's kind of a dick, you know that? How can he think that not trusting your friends with important information about your mind and your magic is a good idea?"
<Because she has no idea what you and I are! What we can do together, unimpended! You're not just some werewolf, or even an ordinary mage - you could have this city on its knees in worship.>
You cringe visibly, a feeling like nails on the chalkboard of your soul.
"Lily..?" Aneke asks.
"Sorry. It's just… Wow. I never had someone talk to Root through me, and him talking back. It feels really, really weird." You shudder. "Not comfortable at all. Please don't try to have a 'tell him I said…' conversation that way, it's almost painful."
"Sure thing," Aneke says very seriously. "And… Well, I have an idea."
"Yeah?" you say, rubbing your temples, still feeling a headache.
"This demon wants you to be, like… A huge showoff. It wants you to be big and important and respected."
You nod, vaguely uncomfortable. It's not like you dislike the idea. You're a wizard, after all, a wizard from a long bloodline, one who hopes to one day be a true sorceress. You would be lying if you claimed to not find the idea of others looking up to you appealing, but Root is very callous about it, obsessed by your place in supernatural society even though you haven't made any real breakthrough yet. You haven't earned all the attention he wants you to get.
"So…" Aneke says, a mischievous glint in her eyes, "and don't think I'm saying this to be mean to you, not at all. You're my friend, and I'd hate to see it. But… You could put yourself in ridicule."
You stare at her, baffled.
"Yeah," she continues, grinning. "Like, the mages have this meeting, the werewolves will show up, it's all very big and serious, right? And then you walk in, the wizard who beat up the captive werewolf, the justification for this whole project, and you just… Trip and sprawl up on the ground. Or say something really dumb. Something that isn't going to ruin the negotiations, but which will make you look like an idiot."
"What… what's the point of that?" you ask, baffled.
<What's the point of that?!> Root asks, outraged.
"It puts your demon in his place," Aneke says with a shrug. "It reminds him that you can always, if you want, humiliate yourself publicly. It teaches him that you aren't his bitch, pardon my French, and that he'd better deal with you carefully, and be nice and make polite suggestions, rather than be a huge drama king urging you to ham it up for everyone's attention. It reminds him who's the boss."
Uh.
<This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why is she your friend again?>
Well…
It kind of makes sense.
But there is a lot of political clout riding on that meeting, clout you might be throwing away making a fool of yourself. And Root's ideas are tempting. He's not telling you to rip out hearts and eat babies, he wants you to act so that people will respect you, so that you will have influence in the new order of Longton.
On the other hand, all of this has been a series of huge distractions on your one true quest. Do you really need political clout and influence among supernatural communities, when all of this will saddle you with responsibilities that get in the way of pursuing True Sorcery?
It's still afternoon, but it's not like you can show up to the Big Event unprepared. You need time to plan out whatever you're going to do and say when Sarah and Adam put forward their proposal for a magical task force and the werewolves crash the party and everyone launches into chaotic debates of which you, and your experience with a rogue werewolf hunting you, will be the centerpiece.
[ ] Look like an idiot. Both Adam the mage and Jeremiah the werewolf are using you to support their positions, so it won't disadvantage any one side more than the other. But it will teach Root a lesson, and make sure you're not involved in policing shenanigans and can focus on your research.
[ ] Just keep a quiet presence. You don't have to go to far. You can just be a face and a name that other people brandish about while you stay on the sidelines. It's likely that someone will try to enlist you into something, but it'll be your choice to accept or refuse.
[ ] Assert yourself. You're the reason Adam and Sarah have the clout to suggest a magical enforcement group, and the reason the werewolves will be there at all. Root is right; you are key to everything, and your word, whichever side you decide to support, will be worth your weight in gold.
