(Let's get this out of the way first: as you might know from looking at my location, I currently live (as I always have for the past nineteen years) in the province of Quebec, Canada. French is thus my native language, and as such, most of my reading experience consists of books written in French or translated from English (I mostly read in English now though). The point is, most if not all of SV userbase has probably never heard of this series. To my knowledge, it has never been translated and/or exported outside of the province)
Anyway.
Recently, while I was doing some long overdue thourough cleaning of my room, I found, buried among other forgotten stuff, a plastic bag full of books I used to read when I was 11/12/13-ish, more specifically, all volumes of a mildy popular (back in the days anyway) children book series of fantasy called...Zoombira, by Richard Petit. Yes, the name is really cheesy, but when your books look like this:
there isn't much room to complain, now is there?
And so, I tried to re read the series out of nostalgia, and...it was worse than I remember. To the point I couldn't really get what I even used to find good about it. Even as a kid, I realize some things in it irked me even back then.
So I decided to vent about it on here. Truly the wisest decision
EDIT: The list of books
Le Labyrinthe des mondes (The Labyrinth of Worlds)
The universe the series is taking place in, the basic premise that sets the plot in motion. And incidentally, what I think attracted me to Zoombira in the first place.
The prologue of the first book presents the universe by telling us how, from time immemorial, wise men and philosophers have tried to determine the nature of time and history, and how, apparently, they found old manuscripts talking about a cycle of three ages, during which the same civilizations rose and fell. Three times have the dinosaurs walked on Earth and dominated the planet. Three times have the Pyramids of Egypt been erected, and the Pharaohs reigned. Thrice has there been a Greek civilization, thrice has there been a Roman Empire, Feudal Japan, Aztec Triple Alliance, etc. At the end of each cycle, human civilization (either present day or near future, it's not clear) is/has been destroyed by a nuclear war against robots (seriously*). Follows a period in which Earth is empty, before the dinosaurs rise again and the cycle begins anew.
While this all this was going on, continental drift kept going as usual, and eventually, the lands joined together to form a new supercontinent: the atoll of Zoombira...
Yes, atoll, despite the name making no goddamn sense, what with Zoombira looking jack shit like an ''atoll'', even if you squint really hard. It also looks like none of the known projectionsofsupercontinents, and good luck if you can recognize any continental shape from this mess.
As you can see from the map, the supercontinent was created...during the third cycle. Many great civilizations that had otherwise evolved and thrived separately were now new neighbors (kinda like the Horizon on the middle of nowhere light novels). Naturally, they warred one another, and were almost driven to extinction until they all decided to build high walls to keep themselves separated. Either by design, dumb luck, or people just having no idea what they were doing, the walls met, fusioned, and became a vast and complex maze of branching intricate pathways, the Labyrinth of Zoombira (hence the weird white lines you can see on the map). Before you ask, the walls also extend well into the sea, so you can't go around them. The creation of the Labyrinth was followed by a long lasting and flourishing peace for all the civilization of the atoll. Well, at least the plot starts (but I will adress that in a later post).
Here is a list of the civilizations, or as they are called, ''countries'':
Lagomias: The westernmost country of the atoll, and the birthplace of the heroes (to be adressed later as well). What civilization is it supposed to be, you ask? I will tell you what it isn't: the Middle Ages. It tries to portray itself as "Medieval Europe", but it is everything but. It has the technology and the surface appearance, sure, but beyond that any resemblance is purely coincidental. For starters, no Christianity, despite it being kinda important to Medieval Europe. I would understand if it was because the Near East and the ''Roman Empire'' never made contact with ''Europe'' before the erection of the walls (btw, no mention of Jews, Arabs, Persians, or any other people from the Near and Middle East either in all the series), but logically the religions would either be Celtic, Germanic, or Norse. Instead, we are told (not in the first book either, in the seventh, because fuck planned worldbuilding, and as a sudden plot twist out of nowhere to boot) that ''Lagomians'' live according to the dogma of three virtues: friendship, love, and sacrifice, and following them elevate one to the highest degree of wisdom. Also, no kingdoms and no feudalism. The first book tells us how, during the construction of the last portion of the Labyrinth, there was a last big battle against the shogun of Japondo, during which the sole heir to the throne of Lagomias, Prince Loic, died. Before his death, King Eutark decided to give the governance to the ''Sages'', whom have ruled Lagomias ever since in a ''Grand Council''. Each village or town bears the name of its ruling Sage, and the title is transmitted to the next generation with the unanimous accord of the council. Last but not least, godawful joking references. The young Lagomians enjoy drinking a beverage called ''kola'', sometimes ''warbers'' perform in festival, so on and so forth. It also has a fifth season called ''paradia'' (seriously), ''more beautiful and magnificient than summer'' (exact words), and only existing in Lagomias. Ugh.
Egyptios: Ancient Egypt. During which period? No idea, it's not known if it is ''Old Kingdom'' Egypt, ''Middle Kingdom'' Egypt, or ''New Kingdom'' Egypt (though it is mentionned that Thebes is the largest city of Egyptios and the Abu Simbel temple has been constructed, so likely New Kingdom). It is ruled by Pharaoh Himotiss I, married to the queen Nifarii, who was preceded by Semethep II. As you can see, all known and real people of Ancient Egypt! Behind Abu Simbel is also the entrance of a pyramid constructed underground called the Pyramid...of the Moors (I shit you not).
Japondo: Feudal Japan, in an unknown period (all is known is that the shogun Yomikio has more powers than the unnamed emperor and Himeji Castle exists, so tentatively before the Sengoku Era?). Nothing much to say about it, besides the existence of professional sumo.
Azteka: Pre Columbian Aztec civilization. Its ruler is a non named emperor (again), Tenochtitlan is its capital, its second largest city is Tullum (despite being a Mayan city), there are human sacrifices to the Aztec gods, rampant cannibalism (Wikipedia tells me this is disputed)...luchadors are a thing?...they celebrate the Day of the Dead?...they speak Spanish!? Yeah, as you can see, this is one of the book where the author threw all pretenses of semi history out of the window, and just did whatever the fuck he wanted.
Romia: Imperial Rome, however the fuck that worked out. Led by a thrice reincarnated Augustus, in which people speak Italian, gladiator combat take place in the Colosseum (historically inaccurate oh!), the actual Tower of Pisa is still standing and has for whatever reason survived throughout the three cycles. I just don't know anymore.
La contrée oubliée: The forgotten country in good French . One of the stupidest country put on Zoombira by its creator, it is the vestige of...modern civilization. Yeah. It consist in one unnamed city (is it North American? European? No idea, that's the genius of ''generic modern city'' for you!), and an island named ''Bakou'' (which I'm still trying to determine if it's an expy of Cuba). Everything is in decay though, kinda like in Fallout...except we are shown that most things (electricity, computers, cars, fucking planes) still work. I guess the inhabitants wanted to give their country the post apocalyptic look for fashion's sake. Anyway, the country is infested with ''the Great Pest'' (read: it's irradiated), and anyone from other countries who stays for 24 hours die...nah, actually, they become unable to leave due to radiation now being essential for them to live. Seriously. We are told that the country's true name is The Forbidden Country, due to how they secluded themselves to protect the rest of the atoll, but somehow it got mistrantlated (even though a mistrantlation would make more sense in English than in French). The book it features in is also one of the dumbest, because the author uses his characters from his other series in it to become the protagonists. That was just stupid. Also, no actual robots.
Greccia: Ancient Greece...and that's about it. By the time our protagonists arrive there, each and every Greccians has either been killed or turned into stone by the gorgon set loose, so no idea what it looked like. There's just one surviving girl...and she gets turned into stone at the end.
Indie: Medieval India, more specifically Mughal India because it was under the rule of Emperor Akbar the Great...before everyone was killed. That's right, it's somehow even worse than Greccia. Oh, and the Himalaya are still there, I guess (despite being told the Mediterranean sea has dried as a result of the new supercontinent, but since the Tiber and the Nile still exist, I guess it's fair game).
Jurassium: The land of the dinosaurs. And of cavemen. Yes, you read right, humans coexisting with dinosaurs. No comment. Also, at the end of penultimate book, it conveniently gets separated from Zoombira by an earthquake, so continental drift is starting again (even if that's not how it works) and our heroes don't have to deal with dinosaurs anymore.
Drakmor: Worse than even Lagomias and the Forgotten Country, this is a Mordor expy, not based on any existing culture or civilization. ''A black and bleak type of shadowland, the sun is always hidden behind endless dark storm clouds, what little vegetation there is withered and rotting, poisonous marshes and swampland are common''...I litterally took this from the TvTropes article, and it hits all the marks. More about it in a future post since it directly ties with the plot.
Because the author can't keep some damn consistency, there are also some lands you can't see anywhere on the map, and never get mentionned again. Mostly in the first book:
Unnamed tropical place: A beach or an island, on which various objects from around the atoll ends up, however that works, and the first place the hero arrives to after exiting the Labyrinth for the first time. He gets captured by the locals (read: a primitive tribe of black people) who throws him in some kind of hole/arena with a beast. He defeats it, and gets out, and...the locals prostrate before him for his bravery. I kid you not. They suddenly become helpful, give him some stuff, and let him leave. Ugh.
Place of the giants: After leaving the village, our hero reach a mountain, and discover a two headed giant there. He/they tell him there are more giants in this section of the atoll (where is it? no idea), and tell him how the tribe worship the giant, and sometimes give it young girls to eat despite the giant not being anthropophage. It becomes friends with the hero, help him get back in the labyrinth. Double ugh.
Next, let's adress the plot, and present the protagonists.
*In the books, as info of the time period are scarce, it is only known that humanity used a magic called electronic, and used it to create ''creatures of metal'', who proceeded to kill all humans and destroy all cities using ''at_mi_ bombs''. So yeah, Terminator.
This sounds so utterly batshit insane that it warps all the way around to kind of cool. Though it would have worked better if the author(s?) had gone the Dark Tower route and explained the... idiosyncracies in the worldbuilding by replacing the Robot War with some sort of cosmic SNAFU that shattered the very fabric of reality so badly that even God gave up trying to sort out the mess and is just rolling with it.
You see this is what happens when you assume children are stupid. Plenty of kids can comprehend stories much better than the ones they themselves have the life experience, knowledge, and technical expertise to craft and write. If you assume that what an 11 year old can read is equivalent to what they write. Well . . . then you start writing like an 11 year old.
You see this is what happens when you assume children are stupid. Plenty of kids can comprehend stories much better than the ones they themselves have the life experience, knowledge, and technical expertise to craft and write. If you assume that what an 11 year old can read is equivalent to what they write. Well . . . then you start writing like an 11 year old.
Well, I was generalizing. So sue me!
I'm not saying children are stupid- but I do think that around that age, many kids enjoy/would create settings that run on "Oh, X is cool, lets add that to the setting" rather than more consistent story settings.
At that age, I was ruler of a multiverse scale empire (Which of course often curb-stomped any foe I imagined). Those were the days...
Well, I was generalizing. So sue me!
I'm not saying children are stupid- but I do think that around that age, many kids enjoy/would create settings that run on "Oh, X is cool, lets add that to the setting" rather than more consistent story settings.
At that age, I was ruler of a multiverse scale empire (Which of course often curb-stomped any foe I imagined). Those were the days...
Also I forgot to mention a teeny, tiny little detail.
Magic exists. Somehow. And mythological creatures respective to each culture and some (read: invented ex culo) also exist. Somehow.
Yeah.
Magic is still not responsible for whatever the fuck happened to this universe though (and a secret major spoiler that litterally killed the franchise for me to be revealed later).
Legends tell of a man born of the last harpy, who laid an egg on the highest peak of the country of Drakmor. From this egg came out a little boy*, who was later taken in by a caravan of nomadic people who were later ''mysteriously'' wiped out. The boy ended up in a small village whose inhabitants feared foreigners, and so they sold the boy, aged twelve, as a slave to be forcibly made soldier of the country's armies. He was obviously very talented in the art of war, because soon enough, he rose the ranks to become a general, not only defeating every opposing armies, but also becoming the sole ruler of Drakmor. He gave himself the title of, wait for it, Khonte Khan. Apparently, it means ''Supreme Emperor'' in whatever language they speak in Drakmor.
So anyway, hungry for more conquest, Khonte Khan was brutally stopped by the existence of the Labyrinth, and, as years passed, his armies grew old and most died. Using black magic, Khonte Khan defeated death itself and became immortal (in the long lived sense, but the author clearly thought it was a waste of time to explain that ), so he now had enough time to carefully craft his master plan to conquer the atoll (read: zerg rush everything). He first invaded Jurassium and tamed the dinosaurs with his black magic, and further used said magic to steal the souls of the cavemen, changing them into ograkks (described as four-armed gorillas. Well we know when the inspiration started to dry out!). Khonte now had a way to destroy the walls of the Labyrinth (dinosaurs) or simply go over it (again, dinosaurs), and a way to keep repleneshing his armies by transforming the conquered people into ograkks.
As you can see, this is a suspiciously detailed and accurate (save for the retcon) legend.
Fortunately, the oracles spoke of a young man with a piercing gaze who would manage to vanquish evil and bring peace back to the atoll.
Enter our protagonist, Tarass Krikom (no, not this Tarass)
To be continued...
This is Khonte Khan btw:
*Which is later retconned in volume 8 into two eggs, one representing good, and the other evil, and from which were born twins. How does this fit into the first version of the legend? It's handwaved.
*Which is later retconned in volume 8 into two eggs, one representing good, and the other evil, and from which were born twins. How does this fit into the first version of the legend? It's handwaved.
Magic is still not responsible for whatever the fuck happened to this universe though (and a secret major spoiler that litterally killed the franchise for me to be revealed later).
It all started when Khonte Khan launched his first offensive against all the nations of the atoll: using his tamed pterodactyls, he surprise fire bombed every countries, and kidnapped a lot of people to be held in captivity back in Drakmor. Evidently, when it happened in Lagomias, our heroes decided that something needed to be done about it, and went on the war path to go to Drakmor (despite the book repeatedly stating that it is impossible to go from one extremity of Zoombira to another in one man's life, especially with the Labyrinth, which the heroes manage to do anyway). Also, do you remember the 3 virtues I mentionned being part of Lagomias' spirituality? Well, they are the human incarnations of them (thanks for telling us that seven books later), and one of them has to die due to being Sacrifice (unecessary dramatic plot twist oh!).
Now, our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
First, the main character, Tarass Krikom (not him either)
The hero and prophesied (white) savior of the atoll. Living in the village of Moritia (we are told that there's never been female Sages, so who's name ''Moritia'' is?), growing up, Tarass always had a weird talent, his piercing eyes (inb4 Tom Kratman's piercing blue eyes jokes), which he once used as a kid to scare a bear away. The plot kicks into gear when one of the pterodactyl take Tarass's secret love interest, Ryanna, right in front on his eyes. Angry, he goes complain about it to the Sages, who tell him to sod off (to be fair to them, he proposes to mobilize Lagomias so they can all go after the ones taken captives, but silly things such as logistics are apparently unknown to him). Not one to give up, he goes see his friend's uncle (actually an aunt), the great mage Marabus. She tells him Zoombira's and Khonte Khan's history (litterally the same as the prologue slightly expanded), before telling him the prophecy about him, and how he is special because he can remember his past lives (a power he seldom uses throughout the series) in the previous iterations of history. She gives a chimera's eye to put on his...chestplate/armor thing/whatever it is he wears so she can guide him during his journey. Later, using Tarass II's memories, he finds the Shield of Magalu (after fighting minotauzes) in ruins, an indestructible shield with a cutting edge, to help him in his quest (previous Tarass litterally died so he could have him).
Fun fact, what do you think his age is? When I first read the book, him and other young Lagomians were playing hide-and-seek/snowballsberries fight, so I assumed ''somewhere between 12 and 15'', an age close to mine. Surprise surprise, volume 7 tells us in the prologue that it's been 2 years since he left Lagomias, and he was now 23. Meaning he was 21 in the first book. Playing games outside the village. Without a job, and not working as his father's (a forgeron) assistant. What. (it also brings up an hilarious plot hole concerning another character's age, but later about that).
Second, Trixx Birtoum
The blue haired dude. I have no idea what the fuck he is wearing either.
Tarass' best friend after he rescued him from bullies when they were children, and the comic relief (for a kind of ''humour'' anyway) of the group. The third wheel at first, he used to be useless before his 17th birthday (he is the youngest, but that's not the abovementionned plot hole) in volume 3, on August 8. As a eighth son, his birthday (1+7=8) signals the awakening of his powers as a morphom, a sort of shapeshifter, which explains why he had blue hair and a blueish skin (which is not noticeable on any cover). He can change shape into any living things, though the larger or the smaller the transformation, the longer he has to recharge (so he is not overpowered). Later on, in Romia (5th book), he finds the sword his demigod ancestor Zrixx left for him in the back of a cerberus back during the construction of the gates of the Underworld (said exactly like that, and making just as much sense in context). The sword is also made from the same metal as the Shield of Magalu.
By the way, something I also forgot to mention, the books style themselves as ''giving you the choice'' to decide which countries the protagonists will go next, based on how the countries are placed, kinda like this schema:
So at the end of Volume 1 you can either read volume 2 or 3, at the end of volume 2, you can read 3, 4 or 5, etc. That also means you can read the books in any order you want, and not miss anything. But, as you quickly find out this is bullshit: if it weren't, how would suddenly making Trixx a shapeshifter make any amount of sense if you haven't read volume 3? Or suddenly having a sword if you haven't read volume 5? Failure of marketing.
Third, there is finally Kayla Xiim
...fetish pants?
She is the mage to Tarass' fighter and Trixx's thief, and the niece and student of aforementionned Marabus. Her magic revolves around drawing and using mandalas to cast specific spells (some are really overpowered, like the one capable of slowing down time). She is also in love with Tarass, which is why she accompanies him on the quest anyway despite knowing that he is going to deliver the girl he is in love with. Much boring angst ensued. Also, some weird joke at some points about how she used one of her mandala to make herself weight less than the other girls, or how she helped some of the more endowed girls and herself by making their chest weight less.
Yeah, it is as weird as it probably is to you as it was to me.
Her age is the plothole: in the second book, the text mentions that she is the oldest of the group at 19 year-old. Yet, we can later calculate that Tarass was in fact the oldest . Talk about the author keeping tracks of his notes.
Now, I'm of two minds: I can either review (read: big detailed summaries because I'm too much of a lazy mofo to translate/review) each individual book, to slowly progress from stupid fun to funny stupidity to just stupidity to complete trainweck. Or I can just do the last books, 7-8-9-10, which concentrate into a mass of plot holes and bad plot twists to finally culminate into a lame anticlimatic finale. And that's before Book 10 comes in to shit on everything.
Either way doesn't bother me, so what says you, SV?
Regretfully, I do not have @Whiskey Golf 's smooth as chocolate voice, and my English accent is...while not unintelligible, I am often to repeat what I say because I have too deep a voice. And that's when I'm speaking in French, so imagine in English.
Unfortunate phrasing, let me try again: magic is also not responsible for something else other than history being stuck on cosmic Groundhound Day loop, something that is far worse (in the WTF sense, not the awesome sense) than that.
Now, I'm of two minds: I can either review (read: big detailed summaries because I'm too much of a lazy mofo to translate/review) each individual book, to slowly progress from stupid fun to funny stupidity to just stupidity to complete trainweck. Or I can just do the last books, 7-8-9-10, which concentrate into a mass of plot holes and bad plot twists to finally culminate into a lame anticlimatic finale. And that's before Book 10 comes in to shit on everything.
