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Why Should I Care? [Multiverse SI] Will be a one shot for now because I can't write walls of text.

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A.N: This is my first true work of fiction, please be gentle.

-Line Break-

The Multiverse is a...
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Chapter 1
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    • Hidden Variable

    Hidden Variable

    Sullen and Jaded
    Location
    Minnesota.
    A.N: This is my first true work of fiction, please be gentle.

    -Line Break-

    The Multiverse is a very big place. With an almost unlimited number of bored R.O.Bs floating around causing havoc-

    'It's not havoc, it's 'entertainment'.

    God damnit get out of my intro R.O.B.

    As I was saying. With an almost unlimited number of R.O.Bs there are quite a couple who mess with mortals.

    A.N: Story Start.

    -Line Break-

    My name is Jack. Yeah I know my name is basic but there isn't much I can do about it. If you need a description of what I look like I can-

    'Hey, is this thing on?'

    'Who the fuck said that?' There is no one here but me where did that come from

    'Okay great, it does work! I'm speaking in your mind dumbass. All you need to know is I am what you would call a god. I am very bored, and I will be sending you to a different dimension for fun.'

    'Hey what the hell I'm not a toy you bastard!' What the hell is his problem, I don't care if he's a god he can't just throw me into-

    'Oh yeah I almost forgot, watch out for the- Well pretty much everything is going to try to kill you. Have fun and be entertaining and I might not kill you!'

    My vision goes black and I feel myself coming apart at the seams, burning up. When I open my eyes all I can feel is a strange warmth just beneath my skin.

    -Line Break-

    As I open my eyes all I can see is a black void with floating white words. I try to speak but I don't seem to have a mouth or anything resembling a body at all. I begin to panic but as I pay more attention to the words I notice they say. Start New Game.

    Yeah fuck that god, my life isn't a game. But at this point I don't really have a choice now do I? As I press the button everything goes black again and I hear a disturbing laughter echo through the silence.

    As the words reappear I see they have changed. They now say Choose your Character.

    Oh fan fucking tastic, an rpg menu screen.

    'Hey dumbass you still there?'

    Fuck off.

    'Now this isn't any ordinary rpg screen this is- Wait how the hell is he- Oh shit- Don't believe anything they- ......'

    'I didn't know you could block his connection like that, very impressive'

    'It wasn't that hard, he hasn't learned his lesson from last time.'

    'So the outsider has dropped yet another of his playthings here. Let's hope his mind doesn't break as quickly as the last one....'

    'Oh come now Tzeentch, the last one broke because you gave him so much knowledge his brain melted. How about you let me teach this one-'

    'I would rather melt his brain from knowledge than leave him to be your plaything Slaanesh.'

    Oh great, now I have 3 more voices in my-

    'The sky will run red with blood!'

    Make that 4 voices in my head.

    'Oh? You can hear us? How interesting.......'

    -Line Break-

    (Chapter 1 End, Feedback time: Spelling errors, Grammatical Mistakes, Anything you think I should change just let me
     
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    • I'm sorry but the beginning isn't much of a hook at all. If you really want to pull people in, the first post should really have more effort put into it. This is barely three paragraphs.

    Also, spacing has to be placed between different people talking. Otherwise, it's confusing and doesn't make for easy reading.

    RaneARE said:
    seems
    Click to expand...
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    seams


    Also, be very careful with your commas. You're missing more than a few commas.


    Including more description into your stream of thought also makes your writing much, much better and helps the reader connect.
     
    ZFighter18 said:
    I'm sorry but the beginning isn't much of a hook at all. If you really want to pull people in, the first post should really have more effort put into it. This is barely three paragraphs.

    Also, spacing has to be placed between different people talking. Otherwise, it's confusing and doesn't make for easy reading.



    seams


    Also, be very careful with your commas. You're missing more than a few commas.


    Including more description into your stream of thought also makes your writing much, much better and helps the reader connect.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Understood, I have edited my post and added more content. I have more planned but originally the first post was just supposed to be an intro not chapter 1.
     
    RaneARE said:
    All you need to know is i am what you would call a god.
    Click to expand...
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    I am
    RaneARE said:
    Yeah fuck that God,
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    Reminder that God with capital G refers to Yahweh, while god with lowercase can be any other one.
    RaneARE said:
    But at this point I don't really have a choice now do I.
    Click to expand...
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    I don't really have a choice, now do I?

    Biggest disappointment for an intro. The ROB read as a disposable deus ex machina. I'm fairly sure he wouldn't even show up later in the story, so he's basically just there to drop the MC into another world (or worlds). That shit only works for the CYOA, otherwise leaving it as unknown is a viable option.

    All in all, my faith in you from dragon quest is keeping me here atm. This... isn't much of anything. If there had been an actual update, it would've been... something, but this basically amounts to nothing. There's not a single memorable moment in this intro. The character's name was put in there only for the sake of being put there. It's highly unlikely I'll remember it. Nevertheless, I'll read more before making a decision.
     
    Bludflag said:
    I am

    Reminder that God with capital G refers to Yahweh, while god with lowercase can be any other one.

    I don't really have a choice, now do I?

    Biggest disappointment for an intro. The ROB read as a disposable deus ex machina. I'm fairly sure he wouldn't even show up later in the story, so he's basically just there to drop the MC into another world (or worlds). That shit only works for the CYOA, otherwise leaving it as unknown is a viable option.

    All in all, my faith in you from dragon quest is keeping me here atm. This... isn't much of anything. If there had been an actual update, it would've been... something, but this basically amounts to nothing. There's not a single memorable moment in this intro. The character's name was put in there only for the sake of being put there. It's highly unlikely I'll remember it. Nevertheless, I'll read more before making a decision.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I know, I'm still working on it and atm this is an experiment for me. After I correct the grammatical errors I can focus on adding more.
     
    Yeah.... I'm more of a GM than a writer. I had chapter 2 all ready and stuff but it didn't feel good enough to post. If I ever do revisit this idea it's gonna be a quest. I don't like how long it's gonna take to get a good chapter out. So for now this is just a one shot. I might come back later if I get some inspiration but right now I am gonna stick to my quest.

    EDIT: What I had planned is too leagthy to be a quest. I will try to update this when I get inspiration but I can't write when I'm tired. I will work on this but updates for it won't come out as quickly as they do for my quest.
     
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    With that title he should be a grey lantern...

    "In early day or late at night
    It's not my problem, I'll be alright
    No cause you name is worth the fight
    But if I'm bored, then yeah, I might"
     
    RaneARE said:
    A.N: This I my first true work of fiction, please be gentle.
    Click to expand...
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    This is

    In any case, I suggest you read Trolling the Multiverse (on Spacebattles) to get a basic idea of what people think of these.

    If you want to write crack, that is. If not, it's still viable as it's got serious undertones and outright removes the crack to address issues.

    It's also a fun read, so there's that.
     
    Bludflag said:
    This is

    In any case, I suggest you read Trolling the Multiverse (on Spacebattles) to get a basic idea of what people think of these.

    If you want to write crack, that is. If not, it's still viable as it's got serious undertones and outright removes the crack to address issues.

    It's also a fun read, so there's that.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    If I do write this.... It will definitely be crack.
     
    Is it against the rules for me run more than one quest at once? Because having another go at writing chapter 2 actually gave me an idea for a new quest. Man of Iron from 40k anyone? If this does sound appealing then as usual I am not limiting us to our starting universe.
     
    It isn't, but it can slow you down. Fans tend to bitch and whine about that, but it's still your call.

    For example, Sage_Of_Eyes made a poll for people to vote when he would update and how much (every day for 1000 words or 3 times a week with 2000 words, weekends not being included for the every day vote).
     
    Stephenopolos said:
    With that title he should be a grey lantern...

    "In early day or late at night
    It's not my problem, I'll be alright
    No cause you name is worth the fight
    But if I'm bored, then yeah, I might"
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    If you want to do a grey lantern fic then yeah, you have permission to use this title. I want to change it anyway but I would need to get a moderator for that......
     
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