Ultimate
Y'know, a friend said to me, Superheroes are the modern mythologies. Y'know, like Greek mythologies, Egyptian mythologies, mythologies and stories about gods and beings, telling you how magnificent they are, and how awesome they are. How exceptional they are. Stories that are nothing but explanations of their glory.
So obviously, I couldn't agree more about what she said.
What more is there to being a hero than kicking ass? What else is there to being a hero than beating the villains? Is there anything more to being a hero than always winning?
Of course, there's not. And that was all the previous mythologies gave a shit about. Therefore, I'm going to be a great hero. There's no one better, no one greater, no one that could stand and shake my hand, no one that could fill themselves with the same amount of grace.
There's no one. On planet Earth. That's as brilliant as me.
And I know it.
So I just have to make sure everyone else knows it too.
"Bird," Matilda said from my goggles.
What? Oh sh-
"SHIT!"
I dodged the bird with incredible speed, falling to the floor in a graceful landing. One of pure beauty.
"I think you should pick yourself up, Ultimate." Matilda lied. "You got feathers and…organs, all over your…everywhere…"
I scoffed. "Rats with wings…"
"It's ok, Ultimate. The bird didn't intend to get in your way. It doesn't have a conscience."
"Actually, birds do have consciences."
"Really?" Matilda lights up repeatedly, which I know means she's looking up all information about birds.
And when I say all, I mean ALL.
"Oh, you're right. But I still don't think it intended to get in your way. Maybe we should show more care to the bird."
"Ugh. Fine. you want care? I'll show you care."
I pulled out a black suit, pants, and tie and put them on with super speed. I pulled out some flowers as well, holding them in front of me.
"Where'd you get those?" Matilda asked.
"None of your damn business," I said.
Matilda sighed. Which was weird because she didn't have lungs. "Ok."
"Here on this day, this bird died. We're here to honor him and praise him for the glorious act of dying like a bitch." I threw my arms in the air. "ALL HAIL KING BIRD! Was that good enough?"
Matilda sighed again. "Yeah. sure Ultimate."
Suddenly, we heard cries coming from the northwest. I knew there was one reason someone would cry out for help at 7:00 in the morning.
Someone was in trouble.
"You hear that? A cry for help! You know what we have to do."
"Call the Ohio Knights of justice?...Actually, this city has a Knights of Justice group because of the outrageous amount of superhumans in it. So we could just-"
"Matilda!"
Matilda sighed for what would hopefully be the last time. "Ultimate. There could be a supervillain there. You could get hurt."
"I fought supervillains all the time before you decide to help. Trust me. I got this."
"Honest?"
"Honest."
There was a beat before she said. "You're telling the truth, Ok, Ultimate. Let's go."
One good thing about having an A.I. with super deductive reasoning. She never doubts you.
I sprinted over to the cries of help and saw three men and one teenager surrounding a woman, One with baggy pants like it was the fucking 2000s. The kid was skinny. The other guy was fat. And one buff. Don't know why people bother working out in a world with hercules. Might as well buy a gun to use against zeuses. The one with baggy pants was grabbing her and threw her to his side.
She hit some trash can hard. The bitch kneeled over in pain as the man in the baggy pants grabbed her neck and held the knife closer to her throat. His lips moved. He said something like 'pearls' and 'them' but I couldn't hear anything on top of the roof. The bitch shook.
I slumped. "Awwwwwww. No supervillains."
"Yay! That means no danger!" Matilda actually said.
"Noooooo," I walked away, "that means no attention! No power! No money! People don't care if you fight some random Mook."
"You have to put in the work, Ultimate."
"...The fuck is that supposed to mean!?"
"Shhhhh, Ultimate. I think you should stay silent or else they'll find you."
"Just tell me what you mean!"
"It means you have to start small if you-"
"Start small!? Nonononono, you don't understand me. I don't start small. I start BIG! Gigantic! On a stage, with fireworks and lights spelling out my name! That's how I start! In fact, I already started."
"Well, maybe we need to start again."
"WE!? You mean ME!! And-"
"What is that!?"
The voice came from the alleyway where the men were resigning. I crawled over and peeked from a vent on the corner of the building. They were looking at the same building I was on.
"Ultimate, just think about this. If you don't save her, you don't know what those men will do to her…Are you going to let that happen?"
I let my head drop. "Ok…ok. Fine! Fine!" I sighed. "I'll kick their asses."
I almost felt like Matilda was smugly smiling at me. But…most likely not. "Thank you."
"Where are you?" Baggy Pants Man said. "Show yourself!"
"You asked for it!" I said.
I pulled out my twin pistols as I leaped into the air, did a backflip by moving so fast I could change my momentum, and spun around a little. Finally, about to land in a superhero fashion:
Until, a MOTHERFUCKING, COCKSUCKING, JAPANESE TRUCKING BIRD FLEW INTO ME LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER! THE MOTHERFUCKER FLEW INTO ME FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN TO PISS ME OFF WHILE I WAS IN THE AIR!! THE MOTHERFUCKER CAN EAT SHIT FOR ALL THAT I CARE!! HE RUINED MY MOTHERFUCKING LANDING!! THE PIECE OF SHIT, CHICKEN SHIT, DONKEY-SUCKING-
"You know we landed, right?" Matilda said.
I looked around. I was right. We did land. The landing wasn't perfect, but that was all because of the bird.
And I didn't need Matilda reminding me. "oh…I hate you." I got up.
"Why? I didn't even do anything!"
"Because every time I do something that could be interpreted as stupid, you just have to point it out!"
"I was just pointing out we landed."
"Yeah, fuck off."
My spandex was making me itch. "Aaahhhh. This shit really rides up, doesn't it?" I looked at the thugs. "What?"
The fat thug looked at Baggy Pants Man. "Who the hell is he talking to?"
Baggy Pants Man brushed him off. "Who the hell are you?"
I acted shocked. "Who am I? WHO AM I? You'll learn soon enough. I'm only the best motherfucking superhero ever known. The number one hero is me. Soon I will be the number one hero! The best! The amazing! I am Ultima-"
I couldn't even finish the sentence before I was motherfucking tased.
In the dick…
My vision was blurry, and it disordered my hearing for about five seconds. When it came back, I heard Baggy Pants Man say, "Let's just get back to work."
I got up. "Not cool."
I stomped on the ground and a large rock came up, I kicked it towards them…
But the wind blew it off track, and it missed.
"Shit, give me a second."
I stomped up another large rock and kicked it towards them, but this time, the trash can got in the way and I hit that instead.
"Fuck! Hold on!"
I kicked up ANOTHER rock to kick towards them, and I hit the ground.
I kicked up ANOTHER rock to kick towards them, and I hit the wall.
I kicked up ANOTHER rock to kick towards them, and I hit A MOTHERFUCKING BIRD!!!
None of this was my fault! It was the wind! The birds! It wasn't because of fucking me! I'm too awesome to make mistakes!
Eventually, because of everything else. I was stuck in a rut.
Like, there was a literal rut around me.
All of them. Including the bitch that was getting mugged was giving me strange looks.
"YouknowwhatFuckit." I pulled out my pistols from my utility belt and shot all of them…
Only for it to bounce off their barriers…
"What the-Bullshit! I thought you asshole were just low-level thugs! Where'd you get these high-level barriers!?"
Baggy Pants Man smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know!"
"We stole them!" Skinny kid said.
All the men turned towards the kid. "CODY!!"
I guess Cody was his name…
"What? We're going to kill him, anyway. Right?"
"You don't fully understand how we do things." Buff guy said. "Even if we could kill him. Hero killers get into deep shit. We'll just wound him."
"Let's hope he's not a hercules." Baggy Pants Man said.
They pulled out pistols and shot at me repeatedly; the bullets bouncing off my impenetrable skin.
"He's a hercules." Skinny Kid said.
"Shit." Baggy Pants Man said.
"That means he probably has super strength as well." Buff Guy correctly guessed.
"Fuck!" Fat Thug said.
"Haha!" I pointed. "Whatcha gonna do now, bitch? Whatcha gonna d-
"Switching to pulse rifles!"
"Wait, wh-"
And because these cumbubbles sucker punched me. Sucker shot me. I got hit with the force of a grenade, with the same amount of destruction, but with less fire, and got sent flying to the other side of the street, went through the window of a store, and slammed into the fucking counter like a ragdoll going through a window after a car crash.
"You're ok, right?" Matilda asked. In a tone that suggested we've done this a thousand times.
I mean, I have, but she wasn't there for that. Sooooooooooooooo, whatever.
"Yes. I'm fine." I got up. "Let's kick their asses."
I used my super-speed to go back to the location. Right before they were about to snatch the pearls off the bitch's neck.
"He's a mercury too!?" Baggy Pants Man said.
"Damn right," I said. "I got speed for days."
"Shoot him! Quickly!"
They shot at me with several pulse blasts and tasers. I used my super-speed to evade them with ease.
Wait, why the fuck was I dodging the tasers? I could just catch them and throw them back! So that's what I did. I grabbed one of the tasers.
But through no culpability of my own, it electrocuted me. It must've been an abnormal type of taser. The variation that shocks you when you grab it.
Yes, that makes perfect sense.
"He's shocked! Take him down!" Baggy Pants Man said.
"How?" Skinny kid asked. "The pulse blast don't-"
My hearing was going, my veins felt like they were on fire. Felt like I was getting pins and needles but with bullets instead of needles. I crushed the taser before it could do more damage. And in five-second, my regeneration took place and I was back to normal.
I got up. "Ok, what were we do-SHIT!"
Baggy Pants Man swung a nanotech knife at me. I dodged the knife, even though it wouldn't have done any damage to me.
I decided to bluff-I MEAN, tell the truth. "That knife won't cut my skin!"
"This knife can cut through anything short of Paragon's skin!" Baggy Pants Man said. "You telling me you're that durable?"
"That's what I'm telling you."
"Let's test that!" He attacked, swinging his limbs at me while I avoided him.
"Ha! You swinging your limbs like…like something that swings their limbs strangely!"
"You mean like a car shop's inflatable man?" Matilda said. Like she read my mind.
"Yes! That's what I meant. Good thing I installed that mind-reading software. Or else you'd never be as witty as me!"
"I don't have mind-reading soft-"
"Seriously, Who the hell is he talking to?" Fat Thug asked.
"Does it matter?" Buff guy said.
"Hey, asshole!" Skinny kid chortled. You talking to your mommy over there?"
I was going fucking fuck him to fucking death, that fucking fu-
Baggy Pants Man interrupted my thoughts by trying to cut me down to size.
"Shut the fuck up and help me!" Baggy Pants Man said.
"Are you sure you want are help? You're doing great as it is."
This is getting ridiculous, and yes. I was avoiding Baggy Pants Man the entire time they were talking.
"This is retarded." I said.
"You shut the fuck up!"
I grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back. "Say. That. Again."
"Say what? Shut the fuck up?"
I twisted his arm. He cried out in pain. "Yes. Say that again. Actually, you don't have to."
I took his pinkie finger and shattered it with my index and thumb finger. He wailed in torment. When I smelled his blood and heard his cries, I couldn't stop myself from smiling widely.
"This little piggy went to market."
I took his pointer finger and crushed that one as slowly as I could. He shrieked like a total bitch. I widened my eyes and licked my lips.
"This little piggy got fucked."
"ULTIMATE!" Matilda cried.
I sighed. "Yes, Matilda?"
"I don't want you to torture this man! He's just a mugger. Just take him down and then leave him alone.
"Ugh, fine." Don't know what her problem was. I was just torturing this guy.
"ARE YOU IDIOTS GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT!?"
"I don't know. Seems like you're doing just fine." Skinny Kid said.
"Let's just help him." Buff Guy said.
"Right. Good luck."
"I meant ALL of us. Not just one or the oth-"
I shot bullets into the air. "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!"
Everyone beside me and Baggy Pants Man held their hands up.
"Dude." Skinny kid said. "You're unstable."
"I'm not unstable! I'm a man! A hero! A GOD! I'm incredible. Y'know, this reminds me of something a friend said to me. She said heroes are always awesome. And I agree They can't NOT be awesome. They're heroes! And heroes exist to be awesome, enforce their superiority, and beat up loser villains! Like villains exist to lose, heroes exist to win. It's why I'll be an awesome hero. Hell, I already am-"
Baggy Pants Man Interrupted my thoughts AGAIN by stabbing me with the nanotech knife. Now, it did nothing but scratch me, so it didn't really affect me. However, the nanobots inside of the knife went inside of me and used their absolute power to take me down. The nanobots are more powerful than the knife, which is the only reason they could hurt me. Otherwise, they would never-
"Are you going to fight back or what!?" Matilda said as the men beat on me.
"I'm explaining things to the audience!"
"WHAT!?"
"Take your disintegration gun! Kill him!" Baggy Pants Man…wait, WHAT!?
"Kill him?" Ok, hopefully Skinny Kid has my back. "I thought we weren't supposed to do that."
"Honestly, I rather kill him." Fat Thug said. "Fewer problems to deal with in the future."
"You always jump to murder." Buff Guy said. "We don't want to be labeled as hero killers."
"That was before he broke my fucking fingers." Baggy Pants Man said. Right before stabbing me. "Hurry! Before he regenerates from that wound! But be careful with it, it's dangerous!"
"Wait!" I said, all while fighting off the pain from stabbing by gritting my teeth. "We can work out a deal."
"Don't make deals with heroes."
"Well, that's shitty grammar."
He gave me a look.
"Look, I only care about popularity, power, money!"
"He's a circuser?" Skinny Kid asked.
"Yes! Yes, I am. I can help you as long as you don't kill me."
"Not much in the way of standards, do you?"
"Someone like me doesn't need them."
Baggy Pants Man raised his head slightly, not taking his eyes off me. "Ok, get the pearls. Thats's what we're here for."
"Got it!"
I super sped over to the bitch with the pearls. "Give me the pearls."
"No! They were a gift from my mother!"
"Awwwww, that's nice! Give them to me."
"Ultimate, you're helping criminals!" Matilda whined.
"I'm not hurting anyone. What's the harm?"
"Oh, I don't know, thievery and deceit?"
"Ehhh, I've done worst."
I snatched the pearls from her neck, from over her head, and ran over to Baggy Pants Man to give it to them. "Here you go."
"Thank you." Baggy Pants Man said. He then pulled a wallet out of his baggy pants and gave me twenty dollars? WHAT? "Always pay for hard work. Sorry about it being all in one-dollar bills. But I-"
"NO! NO SORRYS NEEDED!" I said.
I rubbed the money all over my face. Sniffing the beauty. Relishing the texture and sound of the crinkling. Enjoying every second. It was ecstatic, orgasmic, a feeling of pure delight. I started to shake, I groaned from the pleasure. There really is nothing better than money.
Once I got one last sniff. I pulled on my spandex collar and put the money down my spandex and said. "I'm touching myself tonight."
The thugs looked at each other. Then Baggy Pants Man said. "You're fucked up, kid."
"Don't make me shoot you."
"How bout I do?"
Wait, who the hell was that? It wasn't the bitch. It was a man. But it came from behind me. How-"
"Hello, fellow hero. Using the term loosely."
Oh no…
Another hero?
I turned around to see the blue spandex-wearing, utility belt having, not pussy having douchebag.
"Barrier," I said.
"Ultimate." He replied.
"You know who I am?" I ordered an explanation.
"All heroes in this town know about you, especially your crimes."
"Wooooooah. You're a criminal?" Skinny Kid said.
"No! No! I'm a hero! Heroes are awesome!"
"Heroes have to earn the right to be awesome. You take normal ego and pervert it Ultimate. You twist it."
Why was he sounding so grossed out?
"Name one time."
"You helping criminals right now? Is that a good example?"
I looked to the ground and licked my lips. "I can explain."
"Don't. Just stand back and watch me handle this."
Baggy Pants Man eyes pupils shook. As if looking for an answer. "The Antimatter Gun! Take him down!"
I freaked the fucked out. Holy shit! These guys have a Antimatter gun!? They could destroy the whole city with that! Why the fu-
But then Buff Guy pulled out a futuristic-looking small shotgun. One with lines of energy trailing through.
Thank god, it's only dark matter. Good lord.
Uhhhhhh, they didn't actually freak me out. Just…creating tension…
But ain't no way a hero is going to lose to some muggers.
Buff Guy aimed the gun right at Barrier. Didn't matter because Barrier could just make a shield. Instead, Barrier got an energy shot off out of his fingertips, but so did Buff Guy. Barrier knocked the gun out of Buff Guy's hand, and Barrier formed a barrier with his energy manipulation to block the disintegration shot. It destroyed the barrier, without an explosion, so Barrier was fine.
Buff Guy went for the gun and Baggy Pants Man, Skinny Kid, and Fat Thug tried to cover him. Only for Barrier to shoot them all with electromagnetic shots, shocking them. And ceasing their resistance.
"Damn."
"I'll be taking the lady's pearls." Barrier said, as he snatched the pearls from Baggy Pants Man's hand. "And I'll be taking the thug's money." He looked at me for some reason.
"You take money from criminals too?" I asked.
"What? No, idiot. I'm asking for the money from the criminal you too-"
I grabbed his spandex and pulled. "Don't. Fucking. Insult me."
"Are you insane? You're literarily seething. Over what? Over me calling you stupid?"
"Over an insult!"
"Ah, I see. Very clear now. Obvious why you would do what you did."
"Is that sarcasm?"
"I don't know. Is it?"
I sighed. "I'm not giving you my shit."
"If you don't. I'll take it by force. I don't think you want that." He inched closer as he said that.
I sighed again. "well…shit…I guess I'll…LOOK OUT!"
He looked behind himself, which means I was free to hide behind some trash cans.
"There's no one-" Barrier said, before he stopped himself. "Oh, goddammit!"
Barrier sighed. He projected energy from his feet and gave the bitch her pearls. "Here you go ma'am. Would you like an escort?"
"Don't you have some criminal to put away?" She replied.
"I do. I'm going to call the police to assist you with being safe. They'll be here in no time.
That's a lie. In a city as big as Townsville. There would be no help to come soon. Heroes always said that to comfort the civilians. Like he's going to escape his shitty life by doing that.
"Goodbye, ma'am." Barrier flashed a dorky smile. He picked up the criminal, yes, even the fat one, and flew away.
"Could you escort me?" The bitch asked.
Forgot she saw me hide. "How old are you?"
"Late 40s."
"Ew, sorry bitch. That's way too old for me. I'll let the cops handle this." I press a button on my black lensed goggles and bring my Ultimateobile towards the location. It runs the red lights so it was here in two minutes. Black, sleek, with green energy lines running through it. As fancy as a James Bond car. Made by me, perfected by me. Made with green phlebotinum, and the finest technology The First Family and Mothman has to offer.
I'm friends with them. I know, I'm awesome.
"See ya!" I super-sped over to the car, opened it, and got inside.
"How many vehicles have you come up with?" Matilda asked.
"Just the one. It's something I thought of lately."
"And you're confident that making it was a good idea?"
"Of course! Why wouldn't be? Now," I turned on the ignition, "Let's see how this baby can move."
I drove but the car brakes wouldn't work. We crashed.
"Shit. let me try again."
I went to reverse, only for a car to be behind me, and through no fault on my own, we crashed.
"Fuck! What is wrong with this day!? Ok, last time!"
I tried one last time, except there was a banana on the street and the car slipped, causing to crash into ANOTHER car.
"Do I need to say anything?" Matilda said.
"It's fine, the car isn't really damaged."
The hood popped.
"Now…that's not proof of anything."
The car caught on fire.
"Now, obviously, that was through some-"
We blew up.
Later
I stepped into some mold on the floor. I still don't know where that shit comes from. I clean this place up every day, and it STILL looks like shit.
There was mold on the floor, bugs on the ceiling, and the only furniture in my room was a mattress with what had to have been a hundred ticks in it. Not to mention in the actual LIVING ROOM there was only a small TV and a chair to sit on. Not even a beanbag one. This place looked like it was 50 years old. And barely taken care for in the past five years. I've only been living here for two months. It smelled like shit infested with maggots that fuck their own dirty pets for the past two years…and don't take baths. I could feel the dirt on my feet. The roaches were skittering like tiny bitches. I hate bugs.
I'd clean up, but we don't even have enough money for soap.
I went and grabbed some water from the cooler, and got some bread from the counter, every day, same old, same old. Wake up, fight some villains, eat some bread, go to school, come back, fight some villains, go to sleep for about five hours.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
I lived in one of the most glamorous cities. One with magitek out the wazoo, one of the only cities to have their own Knights of Justice, rather than only have the state one, the city with their own hyperloop, orbital station, magic miner, and even a fucking TIME MACHINE. I know only The First Family has it and they don't put it to higher use. That doesn't matter. What matters is that this is the city of greatness.
And the greatest of all, the number one, the most magnificent hero here…
…is eating stale bread in a broken-down apartment.
This is fucking unacceptable. I'm too fucking great to stay in this place and be a fucking nobody.
Just one more reason I had to become the best.
I sat down on my chair in my room, at my plank of wood supported by several books. This was basically my desk. It had my computer on it.
Yes, I have a computer. And no, I didn't buy it.
"Ultimate. What are you thinking?" Matilda said. From my goggles.
And yes, I was still wearing my superhero outfit. Black spandex and goggles.
I turned on my computer. "I'm thinking my taking down those criminals should be popular."
"Ultimate, Popularity isn't important to being a superhero."
"There's literary a leaderboard that shows who's the top hero in terms of popularity."
"Only magazines and geeky news sites care about that. No one else does."
"I do! Can't you care about that? Can't you just let me do what I want?"
"You're hurting people."
I leaned back in my chair. "Matilda, do you know where I am on the popularity charts?"
"You're not on any popularity charts."
"EXACTLY!" I scrolled through the news, scrolling past the general clickbait title saying Paragon is evil based on the time he was mind-controlled. They always come up with the most ridiculous pictures. "I'm the least popular superhero of all time! Every other vigilante is on there except for me! And I've been doing this for a year! I have to do whatever I can!"
"I don't want to say this, but the good of it outweighs the bad, I'm pretty sure if you just stop acting like your life is a story and focus on the now-"
"AH-AH! Not relevant to what we were saying."
"It is! You got jumped because, what, you were explaining things to the audience? There is no audience! You life isn't a book!"
"I want it to be! Not a boring book. A web novel with awesomeness, action, ass-kicking, and other things that start with A! Except not with villains. It's not realistic for a villain to win. Villains are losers."
"Wow, that's a large lack of self awareness."
"You calling me a loser?"
"No." Matilda whined. "That's wasn't what I was-"
"Wait, WAIT. there's an article about criminals with disintegration guns! Barrier saves a woman from criminals with a disintegration ray! Haha! Maybe it's talking about me!"
"Uhhhhhh, Ultimate? I think the article will disappoint you."
"How so?"
"Think about it. It says Barrier made a new save."
"So?" What was her point? It could still talk about me. I was the one that fought the-
Wait…if I'm not in the title…
I slammed down my fist in rage. "HE TOOK CREDIT FOR MY FUCKING SAVE!?"
"No Ultimate! The news reporter, or the woman, decided to not talk about you. Maybe they just didn't want to. Vigilantes aren't very popular."
"So you're saying I could still be in the article!?"
I looked in the article, reading it at super sped.
"NOPE!" I slammed the computer down. Trying diligently not to break it. "NOT IN THERE!! THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T FUCKING-"
Suddenly, I heard an alarm from my holophone. So I got my holophone which was still closed, and pulled on the two ends, revealing a hologram in place of a phone screen.
"Shit. Time for school."
"Did you really have to curse for that?"
"I curse for every-fucking-thing. Dammit. Have to go." I put on normal clothes at super-speed, pressed a button on my goggles, and they turned into sunglasses. "You coming?"
The purple light on my sunglasses lit up. For a second. And lit up as Matilda talked. "Someone has to keep you out of trouble."
Wait, did I mention a purple light lights up every time she speaks?
Yeah, I did.
I walked out of my apartment and out of the building into my city: Cityburg.
It seemed normal at first glance. People driving to work, and also walking on the sidewalk. Seemed like an ordinary part of the city. But in Reality? It was a run-down place, with trash on the sidewalk, graffiti on the side of buildings, and more than one building had broken windows.
The scene on the sidewalk wasn't too busy. But I had to change the sidewalk I was walking on more than a few times every time I saw a mutant walking down it. Why were there so many superhumans that looked weird?
And why were they all in the same city as me?
I walked next to what was apparently a werewolf. He was in human form, but he was wearing a tank top and shorts, typical attire for someone that's openly a werewolf. And if that's not enough, then the tall frame and sharp teeth I saw when the motherfucker fucking sneered at me.
All I wanted was to be popular, to be rich and famous. To have everyone look at me when I walked into a room.
And as you can see, people DID pay attention to me. For the wrong reason.
"What'cha doing Joeseph?" One Store manager called out. "You better stay away from my store. We will catch you stealing this time!"
I shrugged him off, but It happened CONSTANTLY.
"You mistreated my daughter, Joseph!"
"No more breaking my windows Joseph, I mean it!"
"Get out of here, Joseph. You turned my daughter into a duck!"
I did? I don't remember that.
Then again, I don't remember any of the shit I did to these people, and I DO have the tech for it.
I'll fix her later. But you see how everyone here hates me? Only because they're jealous of how great I am.
I'll prove I'm greater than them. Trust me.
I walked by the school in this city and ran into two familiar faces.
"Hello, Dominque. Busta."
Busta had an adorable face, not one that would win a lot of women. He had ordinary curly hair, dark skin, and a skinny physique. Busta always wore the best clothes he had. Which, considering where he lived, was still pretty bad, with holes and spots around.
Dominique couldn't even be bothered to wear clothes that looked nice. Only wearing clothes that were comfortable, looking like a complete slob because of it. At the very least, he wasn't as adorable as Busta. He had a better chance of getting a bitch. He was also better built, so he could probably kick Busta's ass in a fight.
"Hey, sunglasses." Dominique said.
"Refer to me by my real name." I said.
"Joseph!" Busta said. He high-fived me and we shoulder bumped. "Glad we could run into you!"
"Unfortunately, I can't stay. I have to get to my actual school! It's for more worthy of my genius."
"How so, Ben Shapiro?" Dominique snarked.
Hated it when he called me that. Just because I talk faster when I'm not in my superhero identity, that automatically makes me some conservative moonbat?
"It's an academy of adventure, in a city of adventure!"
"We live in the same city, dude."
"Plus, our school is cool, too." Busta said. "We have mutants, werewolves, ghost-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there." I fired back. "Hate to ruin your explaining the extra-normal institution these slums have."
"What are you, a white guy?" Dominique said.
"But mutants aren't cool."
"But they have powers. But they are in the same state as us." Busta said.
"Wouldn't they still be cool even if they weren't in the same state?"
"Come on, Joey." Dominique actually said. "We shouldn't be giving any good will to the man on top."
"You don't get success by punching up."
"Dude, you punch in every direction."
I frowned. "I don't have time for these accusations."
I asked if we could play basketball. After working through the schedule, and fitting it in with my superhero career. I ran off. As slowly as I could control. I had these powers for a year. So I could control them fairly well.
I came up to the teleporter. I looked up at the city in the sky. As large as an island and as fantastical as science fiction.
But you probably heard of Townsville by now. It makes Cityburg look like…Well, imagine Metropolis compared to Gotham City.
Yeah…
The guards o the teleporter were used to me showing up by now so he didn't sneer at me like they did so the other people in his city. I went in the teleporter, teleported, and walked out.
What? Teleported take apart your atoms at light speed. You're not going to feel it.
"I'm going to live here one day." I was speaking to Matilda now.
"I know, Ultimate." Matilda said.
I walked into the big city. It's hard to explain how it looked. But as a jumping-off point. Just imagine the most perfect, uncanny, spectacular, amazing, utopia that had anything you could wish for, anything you could dream for.
Yeah, that was this city.
Unfortunately, I had the same problem here that I do in my neighborhood. EVERYONE HATES ME.
"Fuck you, Joseph."
"You ruined my career, you bastard!"
"You got my father shot!" And the fucking son of a bitch threw food at me.
Of course, I shrugged it off, after I broke his spine that is, but you see the problem? In a world where everyone in a city knows everyone in the same city. Everyone hates you if they don't think you're awesome.
God, it would SUCK to be an actor in L.A.
Things here were a LITTLE different from my city, even though it's right below it. It might surprise you, but in Cityburg, we had cars with TIRES.
Yes, I know.
We didn't have hover cars, or fancy buildings, or round…thick…UFO…thingys…
Why didn't they come up with a name for them yet?
But basically, our tech was 1980s level. While everyone was living it up in 4000, in the year 2022!
Don't get me wrong, I didn't care that WE were living like that; I cared I was living like that.
Even more reason to make sure everyone realizes I'm the best.
The P.A.Cs were carrying packages all throughout the city. They were pretty large for drones, which is basically where they were, but they already picked the same paths. As long as the hovercopter! That's what they were called!
Uhhhhhhh…just came with the name…myself. Pretty good, right? As long as the hovercopter stayed out of those paths, people would be safe. Whatever.
The buildings were all shade of light blue and white, not to mention some of them were as curvy as a Brazilian woman. And this place didn't have hardly any mutants. Instead, they had vampires drinking blood from blood cans. Super speed across the street without even waiting for a red light, and watching the dime a dozen ads that were plastered all over this damn city advertising superheroes, fairy tales shows, and The Critical Role live action show.
It's going to go the way of Game Of Thrones. Mark my words.
Like I said, we had a hyperloop that went around the building. If you were lucky, you could glimpse them riding by. If you had enough money, you could get lucky and ride one.
The entrance of the orbital stations was on my way to school. The only way of going there was by asking one of my rich friends to buy me a ticket. But even they didn't have enough money.
God, I'd do anything to see the earth in space.
I had to stop walking to school because Master, Concept, and Big Blue were fighting a giant bear villain. Yes, it was a villain that was also a bear.
Townsville, am I right?
No sidekicks, must be too dangerous for them. OR maybe they didn't want anyone not awesome wearing them down.
Can you imagine if there was a collection of baddies here like last time? They get the shit beat out of them.
The bear villain grabbed Big Blue's cape and was getting ready to throw her, until Big Blue punched his finger, causing him to let go. Capes were so impractical. Why did supers, especially those that could fly, still wear them?
I guess it was because they were cool, but only I could pull one-off.
The scene at the villain attack was typical. Teenagers were taking pictures and videos, trying to get close, while adults were staying a close distance, explaining to their boss over the phone why they were going to be late.
But they all stood back when Blue Blue knocked the bear villain into a building, causing rubble to fall in the path and leaving me stuck. "STAND DOWN AND STOP RESISTING! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!!"
Why did she hit it with all her strength? And I know it was all of her strength. She punched me before. Now I gotta go around it. I pulled out my hoverboard, with was still in cube form, out of my backpack. And I rode over the carnage.
Finally, I made it to school. I used my fingerprint on the scanner at the gate; it recognized me, and it opened, allowing me to come inside the school.
I walked through the school halls for a minute, trying to find my locker. When I did, I found two people there that I always expected.
The first one I noticed was Wendy, leaning on my locker. Your typical fiery redhead, wearing blue jeans and a green jacket with a dark blue shirt underneath, your average physique for a teenage girl, but more than making up for it with a cute face, eyes so blue you could swim in them, and a powerful mother.
No, what I said wasn't cliche, you're cliche, shut the fuck up.
Also, she was just good at what she does.
Compare that to Timmy, a Caucasian, butch-faced, fat, fuck who doesn't have the skill to get out of a paper bag. Doesn't even have the intelligence to know what a paper bag is. He's not dazzling in terms of intelligence matters if you get what I'm saying.
Wendy gasped. "Joey! You're here!" She ran up and hugged me.
I hugged back. "Always my pleasure to see you." I looked at Timmy. "Timmy."
"Joeseph," Timmy replied. "You're not late today. What's the occasion?"
"Nothing. Just decided to be more significant than I usually am."
"And you got lucky for once in your life." Matilda snarked.
"Silence," I whispered.
"Hm? What was that?" Wendy asked.
"Nothing. What were you saying?"
"Oh, I was saying I was excited! We get to learn about superheroes today!"
"Of course, it's going to be very interesting."
"Did you even know that? You missed so many of our history classes." Now it was Timmy's turn to snark.
"Wendy has been keeping me up to date."
"It would be easier if you just showed up."
"Don't talk to me about dedication. I study and work hard every day of my life. While your grades and your mass are being dragged through the dirt."
"God, fuck off with the fat jokes."
"Joseph." Wendy's had a warning tone. "You know Timmy is sensitive about his weight."
"So you don't think he should work out and get healthier?"
"I do, but-"
"Hey! Wendy!" Timmy took a break from rolling his eyes to bitch about shit.
"I'm…" Wendy half-groaned, half-sighed. "I didn't want to say that. 'Cause I know it'd make you angry."
"Yet you said it anyway."
Wendy groaned. "You guys are so difficult and sensitive!"
What? "I am NOT sensitive."
"Your clothes are stupid," Timmy said.
I turned to him. "If you say that again-"
"Guys…" Wendy said.
"You see how triggered you were by just that statement?" Timmy snarked. "You're such a narcissist."
I really want to kill him. "I. Am. Not. A. Narcissist."
"That's right, he's not! He's only upset because it's the only clothes he has!" Wendy sighed. "Look, let's just get to our classes and learn about the birth of heroes! That'll be cool, right?"
"Not really," Timmy said.
I rolled my eyes. "Come on, let's go."
We walked when Wendy just HAD to continue the conversation. "Why don't you think learning about superheroes would be cool? They're heroes! They have superpowers, and they save people!"
"Yeah, in the daylight and for P.R." Timmy fired back. "In reality, they only care about their own glory and authority. They would do anything because something threatened it, they do anything because they can."
He says that like it's a bad thing.
"No way! You don't have to like everything I like, but there are a few things you do, and heroes are one of them. They are our knights in shining armor! Our Greek Gods!"
"You have no idea how true that is. Listen, if you knew anything about heroes, you'd know they're the real villains."
I chuckled. "It's like they're your arch-nemesis, dingbat." Lightning struck in my head.
Wendy said something. Something about being 'insensitive' but iI was too busy thinking.
An arch-nemesis…
Yes…That's what I need!
"Potty break gotta go!" I ran as slowly as I could.
"Wha-But the bathroom is right there!" Wendy said.
"Yeah, where the hell do you think you're going?" Timmy said. His voice was getting quieter as I went.
"I'm going to a different bathroom, trust me!"
Once I was out of sight, I used my super speed to run out of the school, pulled out my guns, ripped off my clothes to reveal my superhero costume, and jumped from building to building.
"That's it! I got an idea! I can't believe It didn't come to my genius before! All I need, is a arch-neme-"
Then a building appeared out of NOWHERE and SLAMMED THE FUCK INTO ME!
"Ultimate, are you ok?" Matilda asked.
"Fucking peachy."
Then I fell. "OH SH-"
