CONTENT WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER:
DEPRESSION
GENDER DYSPHORIA
SUICIDAL IDEATION
DEAD-NAMING OF A TRANS PERSON
TRANSPHOBIA (MENTIONED)
MUTILATION AND BODY MODIFICATION (CONSENTUAL)
I'd known since I could first think that my body was wrong. I'd look in the mirror, seeing parts that shouldn't be there, looking at my father and feeling horror in my gut at what awaited me. My parents, George and Heather Fisher, were... closeminded on many issues, and after a particularly memorable screaming session by the two of them I learned to never bring up my feelings (I later learned it was called Gender Dysphoria) in front of anyone. They were, other than that, good enough as parents. We had a nice home, Dad had a good job working for the local bank and my mother was a hot-shot prosecutor with Pearson & Graham LLP.
I was fifteen, and my puberty had begun. I had trouble eating, talking to friends, reading. Whatever. Anything I enjoyed, I just... couldn't anymore. Every time I looked in the mirror, every time I saw my face I wanted to scream and cry and smash the reflection. But I didn't, I just stared at my nightmare, and it stared back with dead, grey eyes. That night I debated just... ending it, before the face in the mirror started growing hair, before I was so far gone into 'adulthood' that I could never fix it. I didn't, obviously. I went to sleep as normal, but normally, I don't dream.
That night though, I dreamed. Of metal with a layer of synth flesh, hairless and soft. A beautiful face, my face, without my father's strong jaw, wearing makeup and happy eyes dancing with light. A body that is distinctly not male, not shaped in a way that makes me want to vomit every time I look down. I saw the schematics for the machines that would do this, the medications I'd need to manufacture to survive the process, the exact alloy that my limbs would be made of, the synthetic blood I'd need. I knew, I knew that if I worked quickly, scrounged everything I could, sold my game stations and collectables and everything else that my parents wouldn't notice, I could make it. Every scrap of allowance saved, every penny I found on the sidewalk, doing busywork for the neighbors, for my friends, their parents, whatever it took.
I'd be her, soon.
-
It took me months, months of torturous waiting and working and saving, of ignoring the face in the mirror and of saving every scrap of money and selling everything that could make money. I bought the parts I'd need in bits and pieces, renting out a cheap storage shed to store them in. My father praised my newfound work ethic, praising me for 'finally manning up'. I wanted to scream, to tell him that every time he called me Jacob, or 'my boy', or praised my masculinity I wanted to fucking die, but I just pleasantly smiled and agreed with him. It would be over soon. I'd be her soon, and everything would be ok.
My friends had tried to keep in contact with me, tried to cajole me away from my work, but eventually they stopped trying, stopped coming around. Stopped talking to me at school, except to approach me and try to get me to tell them what's wrong. How could I tell them, after how my own parents had treated me? I couldn't trust any of them. I wish it was different, I wish I could still have friends, but I needed to get this done.
Soon, my bank account had five figures, and I was able to get everything I'd need. Most of the components were surprisingly cheap, a few of the more expensive items could be bought in parts for far less and re-assembled. The shed I'd rented was enough to store everything, but I couldn't do my work there. I scouted the docks out, looking for a warehouse or something that still had power but wasn't actively used. It took two weeks to confirm, but I'd found one.
On the day of finally becoming the girl I saw in my dreams, I left a note. Obviously framed as a suicide note, because if I didn't survive this, at least I wouldn't be stuck in this... this prison of flesh and a future of agony every second of every day. I told my former friends that it wasn't their fault, let my parents know that I love them, and I drove the shitty pick-up I'd bought off of a shady asshole, filled to the brim with the parts I'd need to build the machine, to the warehouse. Empty and powered, though not for long. I'd looked it up, and the power would be shut down in a week.
I didn't need a week, just today. I got to building, feverish and shaking, every part placed with a supernatural precision despite that. The wires, the frame, the computer, the limbs that would replace my own. Artificial torso, artificial skull, legs and hips and a chest and everything that I knew I was always meant to have. A vat full of the synth-flesh that I'd been shown in my dreams, cybernetic eyes as grey as my own, lips a natural pink and a cute button nose. a soft jaw and freckles that had faded from my own face with time.
Finally. Finally it was time. I'd become the girl from my dreams, or I'd die trying.
-
I was unconscious for the entire process, anesthesia applied by the machine before it cut away the old me, and began to replace it with the new. I know the exact process it would have taken, the grotesque measures it had to take to make me her, but I won't describe most of them. A mesh around my brain, cybernetic implant that would totally cease the production of testosterone and induce the production of estrogen. My skull cut away and replaced in pieces, my blood replaced with a synthetic compound that performed all of the same functions without any of blood's vulnerabilities. Arms and legs taken and replaced, Synth-skin carefully applied. Nails added to hands, to toes. Face carefully applied and eyes replaced with the new ones.
Eventually, I woke up. Opening my eyes, I smiled and giggled, a distinctly feminine sound that shot a thrill of joy through my entire body. A hud took up the edges of my vision, as a test I thought of what time and date it is. [10:31 PM / June 1st / 2010] flashed in the top right corner of my vision.
I carefully got up from the table and walked over to the mirror I'd placed against the wall, staring at myself. It, it was the girl in my dreams. It was me.
I heard a dripping sound, and realized I was crying. I didn't realize I'd be able to cry. I broke down sobbing, joy overwhelming any composure I might have had. My old life was gone, but whatever comes next can't be worse.