The strangest location in Gensokyo, at least amongst those which remain comprehendible to the ordinary human mind, is the Scarlet Devil Mansion. A Western mansion, sticking out like a sore thumb in an Eastern land, inhabited by: a gatekeeper who can't gatekeep, a maid / ninja / very normal human who can control time itself, an asthmatic witch with an impressive collection of books in Esperanto, the mansion's vampiric mistress with a penchant for trolling, and the aforementioned mistress' little sister who has the ability to destroy anything and / or anyone at will.
Thus, it is quite a troubling predicament when an ordinary human named Licorice Meidou finds herself in the grounds of the mansion, with no idea as to where she is or who she is. She ends up being recruited on the whim of the mansion's mistress, stepping foot into the bizarre land of Gensokyo as she has to contend with whatever fate has in store for her. What to expect from this work:
The world of Gensokyo as told from the perspective of an ordinary, human female MC working in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, written in a way that should be easy to get into for people who know nothing about Touhou.
Some comedy, some drama, lots of slices-of-life.
Scenes of people consuming tea.
What to not expect from this work:
John Brown. Please read the John Brown Isekai if you were expecting the aforementioned.
Since I'm currently busy writing the John Brown Isekai, this work might not have the most consistent chapter length (somewhere around 1000-2000 words / chapter).
New chapters will be uploaded every Saturday at 19:30 GMT.
(Touhou Futsuudou is also posted on RoyalRoad, you can follow it here.)
Cover art for "Touhou Futsuudou ～ Ordinary Maid, Extraordinary Realm"
One woman enters
To a road most unusual
Meeting new people
Three people were casually walking out of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. The group consisted of a small girl, dressed in the frilliest and most frivolous of clothing, flanked by two women. One was clearly a maid judging from her outfit, and the other wore a green beret and dress that looked vaguely of Chinese origin.
"Mistress Remilia, here's that human." The woman with the beret with scarlet hair pointed at a girl who laid on the ground, motionless. She had curly dark brown hair, tanned skin, and a shirt-jean combo that looked decidedly Western. "I think she's dead."
The maid knelt down, and noticed that the girl was still breathing. "Meiling, she's breathing."
Meiling tilted her head "…and?"
"Humans tend to breathe when they're alive. They don't when they're dead." The maid took a deep breath to showcase that, indeed, humans can and do breathe air. "Like this."
"Ah, right… I do forget that sometimes." Meiling shrugged. "Anyways, if she's not dead, then what do we do with her, mistress?"
Remilia walked closer to the unconscious girl to observe her more clearly. "From her appearance, I'd say that it's safe to assume she's from the Outside World." She poked the girl on the ground, as if she was a cat toying with a dead mouse. "Sakuya, do you think she'd taste like chocolate?"
Sakuya seriously entertained Remilia's childish proposition for a brief second. "…I have no idea, mistress." Tasting people wasn't part of her job description; making sure they tasted good was. "It's not a big problem; chocolate can be added later if the mistress demands that it be added."
"Chocolate…" The mistress seemed to like the sound of that. She had to take care to stop herself from drooling. She stood up, most pleased with this idea. "I think, since she got dropped so conveniently right next to the gate to the mansion, that this is maybe some sort of sign from whoever dropped her here. And that sign is: meat is back on the menu! No, scratch that, we're going to have a full-on party tonight!"
Sakuya courteously bowed down upon receiving the order. "Understood, mistress. I'll prepare a sufficient meal for you and your sister." She quickly took the foreign girl and began carrying her around like a lumberjack carrying a log. "I'll be off then, to make the necessary preparations."
This incident seemed to be resolved like usual as Sakuya turned around to make her way for the kitchen, where the story of our as-of-yet unnamed heroine would come to an end unless her fate was to be suddenly changed…
Sakuya suddenly felt someone tug on her skirt. It was the mistress. "Wait. I have a better idea." She could see that the mistress had a mischievous grin; Sakuya internally let out an annoyed groan. It seemed that the mistress had come upon an idea that Sakuya hoped wouldn't be too inconvenient.
"You know, we have plenty of parties. We can have one without fresh meat." Remilia's mischievous grin widened. "I just had an idea that's way more fun compared to a party."
"What, mistress?" Sakuya replied with a tone that showed a tiny bit of discomposure. She was hoping that the mistress wasn't going to cause yet another Gensokyo-wide incident, for Sakuya had no choice but to follow her no matter where. She'd be the one having to clean after Remilia when everything was settled.
"Having another human!" Remilia clapped her hands together, delighted in her own genius idea. "The fairy maids are too incompetent, and you are too competent. What if we had someone that, I assume, could be somewhere in the middle? Wouldn't that add to the spice of life?" The gears in the mistress' head had already began turning to find ways to mess with the new human.
"Mistress- I already do everything here perfectly. We don't need another maid!" Sakuya had lost her composure. Remilia only replied by smirking back at her.
"Yes, and that's the problem! You're the perfect and elegant maid." The mistress crossed her arms. "We're getting a new human. Think of her as like a pet."
"We're not."
"We are!"
"We. Are. Not!" Sakuya had lost all of her composure by now.
"But I waaant one! Hmph!" Remilia pouted and turned her head away from Sakuya. Living for hundreds of years hadn't led her to being any less fussy.
"Mistress, a- are you mad?" Sakuya laughed awkwardly to try to ease the tension. It was rare to see the two fight.
"I am!" The mistress took hold of Sakuya as she began rocking the poor maid back and forth, so strongly in fact that Sakuya would have snapped in twain if she was an ordinary human. "Please, please, pleeeaaase!"
Sakuya put her palm over her face, heaving a deep sigh. She was supposed to be a maid, not a babysitter! "Alright, we can get a human." She couldn't exactly resist the whims of the mistress. The maid dropped the foreign girl to the ground. "However, I'll reserve the right to turn her into kibble if she does anything untowardly."
"Yay!" Remilia raised her arms up, pleased of her success. "Don't worry, I'm perfectly capable of mincing her myself if she does anything wrong." The mistress seemed oddly proud of this fact as she puffed out her chest. "So, what do we name her?"
"I'd assume she already has a name. mistress." Sakuya was getting tired of having to state the obvious. "Humans tend to have names of their own."
"Yes, you had one as well if I remember correctly. But now you're Sakuya Izayoi, a superior name given by yours truly, irregardless of your old name. Ergo, we can conclude that human names are perfectly malleable." The mistress marched around in a circle around the foreign girl as she began thinking of a name. Sakuya felt dizzy as she watched the mistress circle around. "Hmm… Licorice… Mei… Aha!" Remilia stopped circling. "Licorice Meidou!"
Sakuya paused for a moment, unsure of how to reach to such a ridiculous name. "…Mistress, what kind of name is that?" She thought that the mistress might choose a better one, considering her own name.
Remilia wasn't ready to be asked to justify her naming decision. "Eh? Licorice, because… it's the first thing that came to my mind. Sakuya, don't forget to buy licorice-flavored confectionaries next time you shop at the Human Village."
"Mistress, please don't use the names of other people as a shopping list." Sakuya again sighed in reaction to the whims of her mistress. "And what's a meidou? Meidou means rumbling, mistress. I haven't seen this girl rumble in any way, shape, or form."
The mistress found an answer to this quickly. She had actually spent time thinking on this one. "No, not that kind of meidou (鳴動)! Mei (命), as in 'order and command' and dou (道) as in 'road', for my orders and commands shall pave the road in her life from now on! Mwahaha!" Remilia cackled in a diabolical manner, though this cackle ended up sounding so fake and incompetent that it looped around to sounding absolutely non-threatening. Her vampirical vocal cords were greatly strained by the time she ceased cackling.
"Cough, ahem! That's enough talk of names for now. Sakuya, you're the head maid. It's your responsibility to take care of and train young Meidou." Remilia turned around toward the entrance to the mansion, pausing one last time to show what could only politely be described as a coprophagous grin.
"I hope you have lots of fun." Author's Notes (for any Touhou fans [or non-fans] in the audience who know the Scarlet sisters only through the fandom): The Scarlet sisters (along with the other youkai) eating humans is cannon. Here's a relevant quotation from the profile of Flandre Scarlet in EoSD:
"Generally, vampires always attack humans without killing them in order to feed, but Flandre has only ever eaten food that has been served to her, so she doesn't know how to properly attack a human. Because of this, she can't limit herself and ends up blowing them away without leaving a drop of blood.
Speaking of which, she doesn't even know that what she always eats were once living humans. Her daily meals are made to look like foodstuffs such as cake and tea, after all..."
Here's another relevant quote about vampires from Perfect Memento in Strict Sense:
"They went on a rampage when they first appeared in Gensokyo, lost against powerful youkai, and settled down after agreeing to a contract.
The details of this contract are that the youkai will offer them humans from which to feed; in return, the vampires will not attack humans living in Gensokyo." (note that those from the Outside World are okay to feed on).
Speaking of which, she doesn't even know that what she always eats were once living humans. Her daily meals are made to look like foodstuffs such as cake and tea, after all..."
Yes, while Perfect Memento is highly biased, only the second quote is from it. But, considering that its canon writer is probably doing their best to write the truth, "They went on a rampage when they first appeared in Gensokyo" is probably somewhat true. This doesn't matter for the second point, about whether vampires in Gensokyo eat humans.
"Speaking of which, she doesn't even know that what she always eats were once living humans." comes from the omake.txt for included Embodiment of Scarlet Devil, from our Lord and Saviour ZUN himself. The verb "食べている" (to eat) is used, so it's pretty clear that this is not a case of mistranslation, and the rest of the text refers to humans as food and not drink. You can read the full text for yourself if you're curious.
Ah, you've gone with 'impulsive and childish, who keep doing weird stuff out of boredom' Remilia and not 'an old scheming vampire, who likes to use her look to mess with people' Remilia. Not a bad choice
Our time is precious
Many flowering nights pass
Time and time again
"You think she's alive?"
"She's been laying here for a day. Do humans sleep that long?"
"…Wait, she's just opened her eyes!"
Licorice Meidou woke up, yawned, and found herself being surrounded by a gang of little maids at her bedside. Most of them were observing here from a short distance, while one of the braver ones were busy playing with her hair. They all moved a couple steps backwards when she rose up from her slumber.
Having newly awoken, Licorice wasn't sure of what to make of her situation. "Ou... Kakvo? Kŭde sŭm, po dyavolite?" Where was she… No, forget that, who was she? "Koi, po dyavolite, ste vie?" Who the hell were these people? She looked around the room, a dusty, dimly-lit one that only contained the bed she was sleeping on, and found nothing of use. Her memory only contained vague recollections of run-down concrete buildings, the interior of a grand church, or was it a mosque, scenes of the great outdoors… Nothing about herself, however. She couldn't even remember her own name.
Licorice realized that the fairies were speaking another language than the one she had been speaking, one that she could vaguely remember. "Khm… A, khono gengov va hanasherŭi." she turned to the little maids for help, with a heavy foreign accent of some kind to her Japanese speech. They took a few more steps backwards, cramping themselves as they had no more space to retreat from the frightening human. "…anyone know where I am?"
"We should get Lady Sakuya here, before she eats us."
"She's just a human, humans don't eat fairies!"
"What if she does? Look at her, she's chanting magic in some weird language! Help us, Lady Sakuya!" One of the maids ran, flying out of the room while the rest nervously watched their guest. There was much tension in the air, too much even, and Licorice was confused. What did I do? Murder someone? If I did, I don't remember… I can plead for insanity, right?
A few minutes of tense stares ensued, before the door was suddenly swung open. "Alright, what are you Cirno-brained idiots yapping on about?" This new visitor was another maid, who stood tall in great contrast to the little maids. Her hair, tied into two braids that reached her shoulders, was white. Despite her white hair, she looked to be around the same age as Licorice. This must have been the "Lady Sakuya" that they were referring to earlier.
The little maids clung onto the hem of Sakuya's skirt, shivering while keeping a close eye on Licorice. She groaned upon noticing the trivial thing that had made them fret so much. "Come on, she's just a puny little mortal. Even you fairies could beat her in your sleep." She expertly pushed away the fairies clinging to her. "Hush now, we have adult business to conduct."
One of the little fairy maids tilted her head, curiously. "What kind of adult business is it, Lady Sakuya? The kind of business that two adults get up to in priv-" She couldn't finish her sentence as a silver knife found itself lodged to the wall, right next to her head.
"What- Where did you learn that sort of indecent nonsense?" Sakuya furrowed her brows "Did that Patchouli not get my memo about not letting the fairy maids into the library?"
Licorice decided to interrupt things before they got out of hand. "Umm… Excuse me, Lady Sakuya, for interrupting your moment of anger, but could you tell me where I am?"
Sakuya suddenly turned her around to Licorice, as if she had only noticed her existence just now. "Right. Right, you're here." She proceeded to push and kick all the fairy maids out, before locking the door. "As I've said, we have some business to conduct."
Licorice scratched her hair. "Uhm… I- I've honestly got no clue what you're talking about. I've got no clue what I am, where I am… Would you happen to have any idea?"
Sakuya didn't seem too pleased with Licorice's convenient amnesia. "Great, and I thought that I could just dump you off at the Hakurei Shrine and send you back…" She sighed. "Are you really, really sure that you don't remember who you are? Where you come from?"
"…No, but I'm pretty sure that I don't come from here." She was pretty sure that she had never seen fairies before "So, what's this business you're speaking of?"
"The business is…" Sakuya didn't seem pleased to add another human to the mansion. She crossed her arms and looked away from Licorice as she spoke. "…the mistress wants you to work as a maid, for some reason." She hoped that the mistress would come to her senses and let Sakuya cook Licorice-flavored pastries for tea time. Still, until that moment, she'd follow the orders of Remilia no matter what. "So, you either go back to the Outside World, or you stay here and work."
Licorice thought of this offer for a while. She didn't remember much about this 'Outside World', but it didn't feel like a place like she could easily hop back to. Plus, considering the attitude of the maid, she probably didn't have a choice in this matter either. "It's probably better for me to stay here then." She got up from the bed, it was probably too rude to be lying on bed while speaking to your future boss.
"Great, wonderful." Sakuya was all too fussed. Still, she tried to maintain an exterior of perfection and elegance. "I'm Sakuya Izayoi. Glad… to be working with you." This greeting was as artificial as greetings get.
"And I'm…" before Licorice could find a reply, Sakuya had the answer.
"You're Licorice Meidou. The mistress declared so." Licorice was shocked, normally you weren't given your name when greeting someone.
"R- Right. I'm Licorice Meydoh, glad to meet you… and work with you." She extended her hand, expecting a handshake. She got a bow from Sakuya instead. Guess they don't shake hands around here… Licorice replied with an awkward bow of her own, accidentally butting heads with Sakuya as they bowed at the same time.
"Ow- Sorry, so sorry…" Licorice attempted to bow again in apology, this time Sakuya managing to barely dodge the unexpected barrage of headbutts coming her away.
"You-" The perfect and elegant maid was offended that a mere mortal had landed a hit on her, no matter the accidental and nonconsequential nature of the hit. She took a deep breath, summoning forth all her patience. "…you'll need proper training. A lot of it." Sakuya turned back, apparently retreating. "I'll prepare you some proper work clothes soon, all of our stock is fairy-sized. Make sure to take a good bath tonight, I don't want you stinking while I measure you."
"A- Alright. I'll be- I'll be sure to work hard." Licorice added a stifled and awkward laugh. She hoped that this faux pas wouldn't come to affect her too negatively.
Right before exiting out of the door, Sakuya turned her head around as if she had just remembered something. "Oh, and one last thing."
"Hm? What is it, Lady Saku-YA?!" As if she had just teleported, Sakuya had appeared right in front of Licorice. A cold knife of silver pressed against the mandible of our poor heroine, who had no capability of fighting against such a force. "E- err… he?" She was so nervous that she ended up making sounds that resembled something like laughter. Of course, it was clear that her situation was not one to laugh about; Licorice watched the head maid with open eyes and abated breath.
Sakuya's voice was much deeper than before. "Make some foolish error like that again, especially one in front of the mistress, and you'll be joining us for luncheon…" The knife dug deeper, piercing Licorice's flesh. Small droplets of blood raced down a track of silver. "…on a platter." The head maid leaned even closer toward Licorice, completely blocking her vision. "Do. You.Understand?"
There was only one sane reply to Sakuya's question. "Y- yes, ma'am!"
"Good. I'm glad to reach an agreement." The knife retreated from Licorice's mandible. Sakuya returned to leaving the room as casually as she did before. "Don't forget to wash your current clothes as well. You've been lying on the mud for who-knows how long." With this, the door closed behind Sakuya.
Licorice, all the tension suddenly released from her, collapsed onto the floor, hyperventilating and covered in a layer of cold sweat. She felt like she was going to puke, faint, and have a heart attack, all at the same time. Being met face to face with death, in form of sharp silver, didn't tend to be healthy for one's nerves.
The poor, newly-initiated maid only had one thought. What the hell is wrong with that woman?! For any Touhou fans [or non-fans] in the audience who know of Sakuya Izayoi only through the fandom: So, is Sakuya the type of person to almost shank a new recruit? Let's find out with a passage of cannon (I hope you're not getting tired of me doing this).
From her profile in Embodiment of Scarlet Devil "That power of hers distances her from the human race. She has given up trying to be friendly to ordinary people." Being a time-stopping, knife-throwing, ninja maid tends to elicit that response, and probably makes you not ready to handle fragile mortals.
From Imperishable Night: "When you're a maid, you don't have to worry about clothing, food or housing, even when you live this deep in the mountains. She's human, but both humans and youkai don't look too well on her since she lives with devils. Still, some humans will overlook this, and she never has to worry about her living conditions. She can't imagine a life better than this. " and further "She is the head maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, but due to her mistress's nature she's practically head of the household. She is utterly devoted to her mistress, and she feels no shame in being a 'servant'" Thus, it isn't hard to imagine that she'd be more than miffed at the fact that her mistress has hired someone as weak and mortal as Licorice.
For any Touhou fans [or non-fans] in the audience who know of Sakuya Izayoi only through the fandom: So, is Sakuya the type of person to almost shank a new recruit? Let's find out with a passage of cannon (I hope you're not getting tired of me doing this).
I don't think the ordinary magician fits into the category of "ordinary human" (not to mention the fact that Marisa hasn't threatened Sakuya's security, doing that tends to irritate people).
My hard disk has finally decided to give up on further operation, I won't be having access to my PC for the following days. My posting schedule might (or might not) be affected by this incident while I finally get it replaced with an SSD. (This is also why this chapter has released early, I want to make sure I had this posted before I got busy with backing up my files and whatnot)
R.I.P. HDD McHDDson, 2017-2023. You will probably not be remembered very fondly, but you did a decent enough job.
Hind this devil lay
Many a kind act unnoticed
Scarlet flows freely
"Ah, that felt great… Only if I had a hairdryer." Licorice did her best to wipe off the last strongholds of water holding onto her hair. It was nigh impossible to completely dry the lush jungles of keratin that lay atop her head, but she did her best with a towel anyways.
As recommended by the head maid, she had made sure to prioritize taking a bath. The bathroom was in the basement of the mansion, quite a creepy place to be honest, but she felt all the tension melt away under hot water.
Besides, Licorice was a fully grown adult, being scared of the dark was for children. She knew that monsters wouldn't suddenly jump out from the dark, despite the doom and gloom atmosphere of the mansion making it feel like she was starring in a low budget horror movie. The only monster that had jumped at her, up until now, was a very human one.
Licorice fully dressed herself, before heading out of the bathroom. She was in quite a good mood, not minding the faux pas she had committed previously. Lady Sakuya had probably got up on the wrong side of the bed, or so Licorice optimistically thought. She could sympathize, she was very much human after all.
"Hm, hm, hmhm…" she picked up a chipper tune while walking back to her room, She didn't have work yet, and it seemed that the head maid wasn't too enthusiastic to get her working.
Her chipper tune was broken by a feeling of… She didn't know what this feeling was, but Licorice felt a sense of foreboding. As if something was fated to happen on her way back, and fate was quickly approaching her. Our heroine only shrugged at this weird feeling. It's probably the atmosphere making me tense.
Then, suddenly, the sound of a vase crumbling to pieces right next to her. Licorice instantly turned around to meet the source of the noise, her fight-or-flight response in full force, only to find nothing. Nothing except broken shards of the vase, and the table that used to hold it. That looks expensive… I'm not going to get shanked for this, am I?
She did her best, to hide the evidence of her crime by kicking the broken bits under the table. Nobody would probably notice a missing vase, of all things. This mansion was huge, there were probably a myriad of other vases. No witnesses, no crime. Licorice let out a sigh of relief. She'd pin the blame on one of those fairy maids if anybody found the vase-
"Hey miss." Something, or someone, was holding onto Licorice's shoulders. Its grips were strong, it felt like her bones could break at any moment. "Would you like to know what you just broke? That's a Qing-era vase, you know. Owned by Emperor Puyi himself." Our heroine couldn't turn around out of sheer fear. Her attempts at an apology only resulted in a stammer of random syllables.
"Hmm… That's a nice neck you've got there." Licorice was too scared to be weirded out by this comment. The voice behind her back got closer to her ear. "You know, I can smell fresh blood from a mile away. May I have a taste?"
Uhm… someone wanting blood… a vampire? W- What do I against one… Right! Holy things… "…A- a… I- In the name of our… Lord and something Iisús Hristós, be banished foul beast!" She felt the grip on her shoulder relax. "And... and- uh…" Licorice didn't remember much of her time back in church "May Mother Mary punish you… with… Hell? God, damn you, Allahu ekber?" Our heroine felt hopeful when the grip weakened even further.
Suddenly, Licorice felt the grip on her shoulder get even tighter. A small cackle came from behind. "Your gods don't work here, miss. Thank you for the meal-" Her neck was pierced by a pair of little fangs. As painful as that may sound, it felt more like the prick of a vaccine, and the process was relatively painless. Still, our heroine was screaming for dear life as her vita l life juice was being sucked out by a stranger. Licorice was sure that she was going to meet her end at some haunted mansion in the middle of even-God-doesn't-know where.
"Mmm… cough, hack! Crap- Hack, cough!" Licorice opened her eyes to see that there was nothing sucking her blood anymore. "Ce dracu, shouldn't-have-sucked-so-much- Bleurgh!" She found a little girl rolling around on the floor, coughing up blood. It wasn't the most pleasant of scenes, but our heroine was happy to be alive nonetheless. She turned tail and began running away.
The girl raised her head, seeing Licorice run away. "You- You nincompoop! I'm your mistress, I was just playing a harmless little prank on you!"
Licorice stopped dead in her tracks. What kind of 'harmless prank' involves anemia? "Wait, you're the mistress?" She remembered the head maid's warning about being served on a platter. "Oh, I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry!" Our heroine ran back to help this mistress of hers however she could.
It seemed that Remilia had done ridding herself of the excess blood. She was breathing heavily, looking up at her new, non-perfect and definitely non-elegant maid. "Yes, now help me up before I decide to bleed you dry and serve your meat as jerky!"
"Right away, Your Majesty!" Licorice helped the mistress up, and took a good look at her. She was a little girl, of little height, with a complexion that wouldn't look off on a corpse. Her short silver hair and red eyes glowed in the dark, and her formerly pink dress (now drenched in crimson) pierced by two bat wings completed her look.
The mistress took a few steps back, and wiped her mouth using the sleeve of her dress. "As I was about to say, before I was rudely interrupted, I am known as Remilia Scarlet. I'm the mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." She commenced a curtsy that'd look elegant if she was not currently covered in blood. "Glad to meet you, Licorice Meidou."
"Hmm? Right, that's my name. I- I'm glad to meet you and be under your employment, Mistress Remilia." She would have replied with a curtsy of her own, if she wasn't currently wearing jeans. She contented with bowing down like Sakuya would do.
Remilia wandered her eyes up and down, inspecting the new maid. "Good. You seem to be an entertaining type." The mistress seemed pleased as she smiled. "You haven't fainted or had a heart attack upon our encounter, so I think you'll fit right in."
"I will?" Licorice wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Yes, I'm surprised at how you're still standing." Indeed, Licorice's legs were shaking and her vision was slightly blurry from the stress, but she was still somehow standing. "Plus, you're B positive, right? That's my favorite kind."
"Be positive?" Licorice scratched her head. "I guess I can be positive, yes."
"No, no! I'm talking about blood!" Remilia pointed at the pool of blood on the floor. "B+ is my favorite flavor. Sakuya's blood tastes bland. I've been meaning to get a convenient walking bag of blood that tastes better."
Licorice stopped scratching her head. "…wait, this isn't a one-time thing?" Her situation was so surreal that our heroine's brain had gone on auto-pilot; the fact that she was serving a vampire only hit her just then.
Remilia grinned as she approached Licorice. The mistress looked quite cute while doing so; the context of the situation served to ruin any wholesomeness this scene might have. "Of course! Don't worry, I'll take care to keep you healthy and well-fed." Her smile turned wider. "I wouldn't want my drink expiring on me now. Then I'd have nothing to drink." Her little hands grasped the ones of Licorice, and her eyes met the poor maid. "You wouldn't want a poor little girl like me to starve, right?" Her eyes were filled, in stark contrast to her blood-sucking, human flesh-consuming antics, with genuine childish innocence.
Our heroine wasn't sure how to respond to this supposedly poor girl. She couldn't respond negatively, as that'd probably not sit well with the head maid, nor did she want to anger a child who looked to be much stronger than first impressions would give. Her flawed mortal human brain was also moved by what looked to be an innocent little girl standing in front of her. "I- I'll do my best, mistress, to produce suitable blood for you."
Remilia tilted her head, staring intently at Licorice. "Is that a promise?"
"Yeah…" I guess.
"Then we have a deal." Remilia released hold of Licorice's hands. "Deals and promises are very important, you know. Especially to us vampires." She curtsied again. "I'll take my leave. You've done a sufficient job at providing entertainment for tonight." Then her wings flapped, taking the mistress to the sky, and Remilia parted ways to who-knows here. "Ah, humans sure are fun."
Licorice could only stare as the mistress left her field of vision. I'm pretty sure that making deals with supernatural beings is… not a good idea. She shuddered at the thought of having become a walking blood bank. Well, can't do anything about it now, can I?
She shrugged it off. Her sense of normalcy had gone kaput today. Licorice continued on her merry way, doing her best not to think too hard. For any Touhou fans [or non-fans] in the audience who know the Scarlet sisters only through the fandom: Below are some relevant passages of canon relevant to this chapter. First off, Remilia Scarlet's profile from Embodiment of Scarlet Devil.
"She is a light eater. In other words, she can drink only a little blood at a time and must leave the rest behind, so the humans off of whom she feeds become a bit anemic, but usually stay alive. Due to that fact, she always fails to increase the number of her kind. She often spills more blood than she consumes. The spilled blood dyes her dress a deep scarlet, which is what gives rise to her title, the "Scarlet Devil". "
Which is why our heroine manages to stay alive in this chapter.
From Immaterial and Missing Power: "Her personality is somewhat childish, and she's got maids who are basically at her beck and call, so she can be as egotistical as she wants. She's immensely powerful, so she can really kick up a fuss...
...She's dreadful to have as an enemy, but she's not exactly the sort of person you'd want as a friend, either."
Thankfully, she's an entertaining character to write.
From Imperishable Night: "Crosses have no effect on her. It puzzles her to hear that her kind are supposed to be weak against such a thing. "
Which'd explain why invoking the name of Jesus isn't going to work either.
"Devils, including vampires, are hated with a passion by both humans and youkai, because their kind tend to be self-centered and selfish. Remilia indeed is no exception. Type-B blood tastes the most delicious to her. "
Kicking the broken vase under the hutch made me laugh.
And semi-willing blood donor isn't that bad, as these things go. Better than getting exploded by Flan or something. And being Remi's favorite blood type does make it less likely Sakuya will shank Licorice into an unmarked grave, so there's that.
(4) Hong Meiling ～ Gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion
Lady of red hair
Guards the gate of deep crimson
She stands sleepily
Licorice had found out today, while trying to wander outside, that navigating the Scarlet Devil Mansion was a layer of hell in of itself. The mansion, like a police box, was bigger on the inside. Our heroine had to question the fairy maids, wandering around the mansion in hopes that she wouldn't trespass anywhere.
Eventually, Licorice reached her goal: the great outdoors. She wasn't looking to escape, it hadn't gotten to that point yet, but she felt like she really needed to take a whiff of fresh air and touch some grass.
Thankfully, the outside environment seemed relatively normal, if not somewhat beautiful. Licorice had expected there to be an environment befitting a place called the 'Scarlet Devil Mansion', maybe with blood dripping from vines and creepy ocular plants staring at her. But no, the garden was just that: a garden. A fountain in the middle, plenty of hedges, and a stone path conveniently leading outside. This couldn't be a place of any devil or evil, or so it looked on the outside.
This garden was walled off by a brick wall, which realistically wouldn't serve much to deter determined invaders. The only way to enter 'properly' was a gate, which was just a garden gate made with wrought iron. There, Licorice spotted a stranger who seemed to be sleeping while leaning on the wall. She was a woman, a head taller than Licorice, who wore a green beret and dress combination that looked vaguely Chinese. Her hair, tied into a pair of braids like Sakuya, was scarlet, fitting the name of the mansion.
Licorice looked at the woman, and decided that she shouldn't disturb someone who was sleeping. "Hm? Oh, zǎoshanghǎo, Likǎolisū-xiǎojiě. I'm honestly surprised to see that you're still alive." Her plan for nondisturbance failed when the woman opened her eyes and greeted her. Thankfully, she seemed calm. Too calm and laid-back, in fact. Her way of speech was equally slow and relaxed.
"Ah, you know my name… I guess everybody knows my name around these parts. Sorry for waking you up." Licorice bowed down in greeting and apology.
The woman laughed. "No, no. I wasn't asleep. I was just… meditating. Yes, meditating. I wouldn't be asleep on the job, no way!" She bowed too, to greet her new coworker. "I'm Hong Meiling, by the way, please don't forget my name. The one who keeps the populace of this mansion safe, the Red Guard of the Scarlet Devil Mansion!"
A gatekeeper, huh… For this mansion? Licorice gestured toward the mansion. "Aren't the mistress and Lady Sakuya strong enough to beat people on their own?" There can't be people any scarier and stronger, right?
"Umm…" This question seemed to have stumped Meiling. She went silent for a second or two, before arriving at an answer. "You see, the mistress loves to watch me battle anyone who challenges me. And Lady Sakuya is too busy with the cleaning; she doesn't like to be interrupted. I guess that's why I'm left with the guard duty." Meiling shrugged, showing that she didn't really care either way. "Anyways, here's a more important question: Would you like some tea?"
There was a set of cups and a porcelain teapot near Meiling's foot; she kicked them up, letting them fly into the sky, and picked them back up flawlessly without spilling a drop. Licorice was impressed, and she couldn't help but clap in response to the gatekeeper's trick.
Meiling poured the tea, before her stream of tea was rudely interrupted. "…Oh, there's barely enough for one cup. Here you go." She handed the cup over to Licorice. Our heroine didn't want to drink someone's last cup of tea, and she tried to block the incoming cup.
Meiling was much more skilled in combat, and she managed to force the cup into Licorice's hands. "I think you need the tea more than I do. Think of it like a celebration of your survival."
"T- Thank you, Miss Meiling." Licorice was honestly moved. The last day had made her lose any hope of seeing any human decency. "I'm glad to see some with a human heart." She began taking a sip of the tea.
Meiling raised her brow. "…Human? I'm not a human." This comment made Licorice spit the tea out in shock.
"I- Is that a weird philosophical thing you've got going on, or…" She looked at Meiling. She looked human and acted human, no way around it. "No need to be that humble, Miss Meiling."
"No, I'm not being humble here. I'm literally not a human." Miss Meiling shook her head. "Guess I should teach Licorice some common sense."
Common sense has left the room long ago… Still, Licorice had no objection to her confusion being cleared. "So, if you aren't human, what are you?" She had already seen a fantastical being, that being a vampire in the form of the mistress, but she hadn't been informed on the existence of others.
Meiling did her best to remember the things that had been taught to her long ago by a certain librarian. "So… you see, there are creatures that are created by the fears and belief of you humans. These are called yāoguài, though people in Gensokyo prefer to spell it like youkai." She proudly pointed toward herself. "I'm one of those yāoguài, so is Lady Remilia, even if my appearance may be human." She looked at Licorice, who didn't seem phased at all. "I guess you're one of these eccentrics who aren't afraid of the yāoguài."
Licorice hadn't had knowledge of what a youkai was, so she didn't have much of a framework to draw fear from. "To tell the truth, I'm pretty scared of the mistress, but you seem good-natured." A certain someone came to mind when she thought about 'creatures with a human-like appearance'. "Is Sakuya a youkai?"
Meiling shook her head. "No, she's a human."
Licorice scratched her head. "So, you aren't human, but Sakuya apparently is?" This seemed all too confusing. She took another sip of the tea to calm herself down. "I'd think the opposite, really. Like, what type of human can fly and teleport?"
"To be honest, she is human, just not an ordinary one. Thankfully, she can't teleport." Meiling looked around her if Sakuya was listening in to their gossip. She continued when she realized that they were safe. "She controls time instead. Lady Sakuya probably moved while time was stopped, hence why it looked like she teleported."
"I see." Licorice attempted to take another sip, before spitting out the tea in another round of shock. "No, no, I don't see! Controlling time is even stranger than teleportation! What kind of human is that?!" The head maid seemed even more fearsome than initially thought.
Meiling shrugged. "I don't like messing with the business of humans, so I have no idea how Lady Sakuya does it." Meiling held her hand up, holding up a finger. "I've only lived for over a hundred years. Lady Sakuya has probably lived for…" she held up four more fingers "…this much. I think that it is better for our wellbeing to avoid sticking our noses into places where noses shouldn't go."
"You're right." Licorice took a last sip out of her tea. "But us humans love to stick our noses where it doesn't belong."
"Don't be surprised when a knife ends sticking into you instead. And I'm not just talking about Lady Sakuya, I'm talking about Gensokyo in general." She stretched her arms, and yawned. "In life, be like water, and flow around rocks instead of disturbing them. Though, I guess you have already disturbed a boulder."
"By boulder you mean…" Who could I have disturbed… Oh, right. "…Sakuya? She did almost stab me yesterday."
Meiling nodded. "Yes, she's clearly upset about your arrival, which I think is understandable."
Licorice clearly didn't find it that understandable. "You think that almost stabbing someone is 'understandable'?"
"Understandable from her perspective. I myself wouldn't stab people; I prefer to beat them with my bare fists." Meiling demonstrated this by sending a few punches toward the air.
Our heroine was astonished at her quick and strong punches; she wasn't astonished with her comprehension skills. "No, I'm not talking about that! I'm more talking about why she'd be this upset. I don't think I have done anything too wrong, so there should be nothing enough to make her want to kill me. Unless she's extremely petty." Licorice paused. "Huh. Actually, that would explain a lot of things."
"I'm not well-versed in normal human behavior, but I would say that I'm well-versed in Lady Sakuya's behavior." Meiling pointed at Licorice. "Your existence in itself is a problem. Lady Sakuya has served Remilia as the lone human in the mansion before I even existed, and she's much loyal to the mistress than anyone else in this mansion. The only other maids are the fairy maids, and they're pretty useless as far as I can tell. I think that even the slightest potential, no matter how slim or unreasonable, of another maid replacing her must worry Lady Sakuya greatly."
Meiling also remembered some of the small talk she has had with humans who passed by the gate of the mansion. "Not to mention, I think that Lady Sakuya might not be used to being with ordinary people. Some of the human passersby from the village have told me about how she always acts cold against them, and she has no proper acquaintances there. The only humans that regularly come here is a shrine maiden and her magician friend." She furrowed her brow. "And those two definitely are not ordinary humans, despite that magician self-proclaiming to be ordinary."
"I see." Licorice sighed. I get someone being anxious while speaking to people, but anxious enough to pull a knife out? "You seem to know a lot for a gatekeeper."
Meiling chuckled at Licorice's observation. "One does tend to observe a thing or two when they stand around at the same spot all day long for almost a hundred years. I'm happy to impart bits of wisdom if you need it." She looked like some wise old teacher from a martial arts movie while she said this. "This is part of my guard duty too. I think it is best that you guard yourself through wisdom."
"That does make sense, yes. Thank you, Miss Meiling." Licorice had thought, upon her first impression of Meiling sleeping on the job, that the gatekeeper might have been a lazy good-for-nothing. She was surprised to see someone sane at the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
"No problem. I'm just doing my job." Meiling leaned on the wall and yawned. "Anyways, you did kind of interrupt my nap. If you'll excuse me…" She closed her eyes, and immediately returned to sleep.
"Ah… Good night?" It was still very much morning. There was a long day ahead of our heroine. For any Touhou fans [or non-fans] in the audience who know Meiling only through the fandom: Hong Meiling's character here is a whole lot different compared to how she's portrayed in other fanworks. I decided, since Meiling's character other than her being laid-back isn't elaborated much in cannon, to write her as the a more grounded, wiser sort of character lıvıng in the Scarlet Devil Mansion. I think this fits more into her being a martial artist, and a practicioner of Tai Chi in cannon. Below are select passages of cannon relevant to Hong Meiling, from Perfect Memento in the Strict Sense:
"She works as the gatekeeper, and thus meets humans more than the other residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion." Which I think would explain why, compared to Remilia or Sakuya, she'd be able to have a normal chat with Licorice.
"Her appearance is no different than a human's. She wears a Chinese-style outfit, and moves lightly... She is unusually human-like for a youkai, and if you talk to her while she is on the job, she will make idle chatter or complain about whatever is on her mind... You would even think that the person you're talking to might be a human. " Same as the above.
"In other words, she may be a good opponent to test your skills... In fact, she always gets such challengers. It is said that the mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion enjoys watching these matches, too. " Thus the comment about the mistress watching her sparring matches.
Clearly, the solution to infringing on Sakuya's role as the token human in the mansion is for Licorice to become not-human. Fortunately, she's in a setting where that's not tremendously difficult, though she probably wouldn't be too amenable to it.
Barring that, she could continue to hammer home her sheer inferiority to Sakuya in every capacity. Which is... also not tremendously difficult to do.
Clearly, the solution to infringing on Sakuya's role as the token human in the mansion is for Licorice to become not-human. Fortunately, she's in a setting where that's not tremendously difficult, though she probably wouldn't be too amenable to it.
Barring that, she could continue to hammer home her sheer inferiority to Sakuya in every capacity. Which is... also not tremendously difficult to do.
I mean... what are the options for Licorice. Becoming a vampire is an option, but I doubt Remi would let go of her favourite blood type... Flan maybe would go overboard when sampling though.
Patchuli and Koakuma could probably make something.
Yukari could do something as Yukari does best for the sake of shenanigans.
She could kill Alice and replace her...
But in the end... all that would accomplish is to make the Ordinary maid... no longer ordinary.
Ok, forget with the last one, I misremembered fanon with official stuffs.
But still, she Could use the same method Alice used to become Magician (No longer human)
I mean... what are the options for Licorice. Becoming a vampire is an option, but I doubt Remi would let go of her favourite blood type... Flan maybe would go overboard when sampling though.
Patchuli and Koakuma could probably make something.
Yukari could do something as Yukari does best for the sake of shenanigans.
She could kill Alice and replace her...
But in the end... all that would accomplish is to make the Ordinary maid... no longer ordinary.
I was making a joke about how most of the methods Licorice could use would be terrible at worst, or very unlikely at best. "Just become a youkai" is one of those things that feels like saying someone should "just get rich."
No one in the SDM has a reason to facilitate this kind of change. And even more accessible stuff like Alice or Marisa, or almost Kosuzu that one time, tend to fall under someone with a particular mania/highly developed skillset who focuses on that for years at a time. Proclivities a very ordinary maid doesn't have.
So she's basically stuck as a squishy human for the foreseeable future. Which is the fun part of the premise. A very actually ordinary person surrounded by superhuman monsters.
A man not of man
Conducts business in the rain
What's in store today?
On the edge of the Forest of Magic laid a curious shop named Kourindou, operated by an equally curious man. The owner, a certain half-youkai half-human named Rinnosuke Morichika, was a collector and dealer of items that fell in to Gensokyo from the Outside World.
While that might seem amazing, and one might think that such a shop might be popular, it was in fact the opposite. Selling a random assortment of junk, combined with the fact that the shop was located next to a forest unvisited by any sane human being, meant that the store was mostly deserted except for its poor owner. Most of Rinnosuke's days were spent idly, huddled next to his kerosene-fueled heater.
He didn't mind idleness; while Rinnosuke did his best to sell his merchandise, he didn't mind days of peace where he'd get to spend time with his curios. Today began as a day of peace too.
Knock, knock. It seemed that his peace would be short-lived. Rinnosuke didn't get up from his chair to greet his customers like any other shop owner would do; most of the time, the people entering were not customers, much to his annoyance. He preferred to wait patiently to see who'd enter before giving them a greeting.
"Mister Morichika, are you present?" The door opened to reveal an actual customer, and Rinnosuke jumped up to greet her.
"Ahh, welcome! Welcome, Miss Sakuya!" Rinnosuke had taken quite a liking to the residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, especially Sakuya. She was one of his rare regulars who actually came by to actually conduct business with him. She usually came to buy items to fulfill the mistress' odd whims. Thankfully, for Rinnosuke's profits, the mistress had unending whims.
Behind Sakuya came one usual and one unusual sight. "Welcome, mistress, and…" He saw a newcomer, who looked most unusual for someone who seemed to be human. Rinnosuke was a curious man, with a curious mind that never stopped working, and he had already began theorizing who this woman could be. She's wearing… what were these called? Jeans, right, jeans! That means that she must be from the Outside World. Humans from the Outside World are not protected, thus youkai are able to attack them. The Scarlet sisters sometimes eat and drink humans, but… Why would they bring their prey along to here? She'd be on a platter, not on her two legs. Why would they bring a human from the Outside World into a shop that specializes in Outside World goods? Through flawless logic, Rinnosuke blitzed towards a satisfactory conclusion. They want to sell her since she's technically an item from the Outside World!
"I'm terribly sorry, but Kourindou doesn't deal in the field of human trafficking." Rinnosuke gave a deep bow to apologize. "But, since you've already come here, maybe you'd be interested in buying something from my shop?"
Sakuya, Remilia and the outsider stared at each other, very much confused about what Rinnosuke was trying to imply. The outsider stepped forward, intending to clear his misbelief. "Mister Morichika, I'm a new maid in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, not merchandise." She bowed down. "My name is Licorice Meidou. Glad to meet you."
"Ah!" Rinnosuke got closer to the woman upon realizing the situation. "You're from the Outside World, yes?"
Licorice scratched her head. "I think. Probably."
Rinnosuke couldn't help but clap his hands together in excitement. "Oh, how wonderful! It has been a while since I got to take a close look at a live specimen." He danced around Licorice as he examined her. "A woman with pants… That's pretty rare. And that hair, and… Interesting."
Remilia perked up her ears upon the mention of the word 'interesting'. "What's so interesting? She's just a mortal."
"Indeed. Indeed, she is." Rinnosuke suddenly realized wearing pants didn't exactly make her that interesting compared to the other people in the room. In fact, unless she had some hidden power, Licorice looked decidedly ordinary and uninteresting. "Anyways, if you aren't here to sell someone, then what is the purpose of your visit?"
"We need a suitable outfit for her." Sakuya pointed toward Licorice. "The Outside World should still have maids, right? I assume that you might have a few of their lost outfits in stock."
"Yes, I do have a few articles of women's clothing-" Rinnosuke coughed to interrupt his own sentence. "Not in a creepy way, mind you." He liked collecting any sort of curio: curious items also sometimes included clothing. "I should have a suitable maid outfit in stock somewhere in the back. Wait one second and…" He looked directly at Remilia. "Please don't mess with anything while I'm gone." Then he went through a door and disappeared from view.
The mistress spent no time before she ignored Rinnosuke's request entirely. She looked around, picking up random objects and playing with them. Licorice loitered similarly to the mistress, though she acted a bit more maturely by not picking anything up. Sakuya headed toward a nearby bookshelf, keeping an eye on the errant pair.
"Sakuya!" Remilia ran toward Sakuya, holding a little plastic toy pony with a lavender body. "Can we buy this?"
"Mistress, we're here to buy clothes for the new maid." Sakuya returned to staring at the bookshelf to signal that she wasn't going to listen to the mistress. Remilia kept tugging at her skirt regardless.
"Come on, it's just a little horsie." She pushed the toy into Sakuya's face. "Pleaaase?" Sakuya kept perfectly and elegantly ignoring the mistress. "Hmph. Fine, Kourindou is going to disappear off of the face of Gensokyo if you don't buy me this horsie!" Sakuya kept a poker face despite being threatened with immediate destruction. "I'm going to count to ten. One…"
Licorice suddenly felt the air feel hotter and heavier. It wasn't the rising tension in the room: the air around her began turning crimson with each passing second. She felt a sense of imminent doom, and our heroine ran toward the door to save herself.
"…four, five, six…" The air only got heavier and heavier. Licorice found that the door was stuck due to the changing air. She knelt down on her knees and began praying as quickly as she could in the last four seconds of her life.
"eight, nine…" One second passed. "…nine-and-a-half, nine-point-seventy-five…" Remilia seemed more annoyed every second. She paused when her math skills proved insufficient. The air in the room still smelled of doom and gloom. It was unbearably hot for any ordinary humans. Licorice had retreated to a corner, laying in the fetal position while waiting for her imminent death. She felt like she might suffocate at any moment. "…what comes after nine-point-seventy-five?"
Sakuya was equally stumped by this question. "…I don't know how to calculate that, mistress." She was the perfect and elegant maid, not the perfect and elegant mathematician. They awkwardly stood around as the crimson air emanated throughout the room. Sakuya held her hands up as she raised her fingers up and down, trying to calculate the middle point between 9,75 and 10. "Uhm… It should be… Somewhere around nine-point-eight?"
Remilia shook her head. "I need exact numbers. Estimates aren't good enough, Sakuya!" She had forgotten the immediate destruction of Kourindou due to immediate mathematical problems. The mistress held her little hands up as she similarly attempted to calculate this middle point.
A cry came from the corner of the room. "For the love of God, it's nine-point-eight-hundred-seventy-five!" Licorice was still in the corner, shaking while in a fetal position. She was too frustrated by the scene in front of her to stay inconspicuous. "You've lived for hundreds of years, how the hell do you not know simple fractions?!"
Remilia and Sakuya had turned around to find their new maid crying in the corner. They had forgotten her existence up until that moment. Remilia turned around to Sakuya. "Didn't she sound exactly like Patchouli just then?"
Sakuya nodded. "Indeed, mistress." It seems that they were in agreement over something that Licorice had no idea about.
Remilia threw the toy pony to the floor. She had clearly lost interest, and her need for entertainment had been fulfilled for now. The air in the room quickly returned back to normal. The mistress didn't intend to destroy Kourindou anyways: this place was too fun to delete for the sake of a toy pony.
The door to the backroom opened once more. "I've found something that might suit her." Rinnosuke came out of the room. The first thing he did was look around to see if his shop survived. Everything in the room was fully intact, much to his surprise. Except for one blatant outlier in intactness: Licorice, who still laid shivering in the corner. Rinnosuke had many questions, but he was a man who very much followed a philosophy of "don't worry too much". He turned around to Sakuya, and extended the second-hand maid outfit to her. "Will this do?"
Sakuya unfolded the outfit to properly examine it. "It's a bit too big, but I can just resize it to fit Licorice." She took out a 1947 issue 1000-yen banknote and handed it over to Rinnosuke. "This should be enough."
(Fun Gensokyo Fact: Money that's out-of-circulation is used in Gensokyo according to Chapter 36 of Curiosities of Lotus Asia)
(Fun Author Fact: I have, in my numismatic collection, a 100-yen military currency from 1945, a 50-yen coin from 1980, and 10 centavos printed by the Japanese government. I'm going to be rich if I ever get spirited away to Gensokyo.)
Rinnosuke gladly accepted the banknote: currency out-of-circulation in the Outside World was, ironically, in-circulation in the land of Gensokyo. "Thank you for your patronage." This payment was more than enough for some simple clothes, especially considering the fact that some people didn't pay anything to take items from Kourindou.
"Licorice, we're going. Come on now, it was just a bit of stale air." Sakuya got the poor newbie maid up to a standing position.
"Ah… I almost died back there." Almost dying was, to put it lightly, not a fun experience for her. "Can't the mistress be a bit more careful with… the crimson fog, or whatever that was?"
The mistress cackled in response to her poor maid. "What, it's not my problem if your puny human body can't handle such simple magic."
Sakuya also imparted a droplet of maidly wisdom. "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Maybe you'll be able to handle the mistress a bit better now?"
Licorice heaved a deep sigh. "I'd rather not have to handle anything of that caliber again…" Unfortunately, for our poor heroine, fate had many things for her to handle. If anyone is interested in participating in some grand strategy and civil warring, I'm currently running a quest titled Uncivil Trouble in Estlandia (A Fictional Civil War x Victoria 3 Quest). It's just started; jump in and determine the fate of an entire nation!
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(6) Patchouli Knowledge (ft. Koakuma) ～ The Unmoving Great Library
Girl of great knowledge
Rests in the quarter of books
Needs an inhaler
From knowledge comes power; with power comes responsibility. The mistress had two of those, the last one was a thing that she wasn't concerned about in general.
To attain the vast knowledge needed for great power, the mistress had built, over a hundred years ago, the greatest library in all of Gensokyo. Of course, this library was not a public one, and only a select few from the mansion were authorized to enter, with a few unwelcome guests sometimes barging in.
Today, the library had a new visitor. She wasn't a willing one; she had been dragged here on a whim by the ever-shifting whimsy of the mistress. "Here it is, Licorice: the biggest and greatest library in Gensokyo- nay, the bestest in the entire world!" Remilia proudly presented the Magic Library toward her new maid.
The library was certainly magical, in terms of scale. Shelves towered high and above, looking like skyscrapers of wood and paper. They were filled with books, of every kind and size, some of them would make an ordinary human either die or go insane. About as common as books was mold, which had also made its home here. Licorice couldn't help but agree on Remilia's statement upon observing the library in person. "So… Mistress, may I ask why we're here?"
"To consult a friend, of course!" Licorice was surprised to hear the mistress have any friends. "O', Patchy! Where art thou?"
"I'm here, Remi." A girl with purple, in loose pajamas and a night cap, slowly floated toward her guests on a makeshift sofa constructed out of books. She could rival the mistress in terms of 'looking like a walking corpse', with skin that looked like blood rarely visited it and black bags under her eyes. This girl placed herself right in front of Remilia. She noticed Licorice standing behind the mistress. "…is that a new employee or someone you dressed up in a maid outfit for fun?"
Remilia stepped sideways to present our heroine. Licorice bowed down to greet the library-dweller. Patchouli couldn't rise up to greet her as her legs were cramped after sitting for who-knows for how long. "Yes, she's the new maid. Patchy, meet Licorice Meidou. Licorice, meet Patchouli Knowledge."
Patchouli responded by simply raising her hand. "Ah… Hello." She seemed reluctant while speaking to a stranger, Licorice figured that she must be the introverted type. Her speech was quiet, quick and brisk, a habit she had gained from reciting spells over and over again. "What kind of youkai is she?"
"She's a completely natural, homegrown, free-range human, not to mention B positive. My favorite flavor of human." It seemed that Remilia had been affected by Outside World advertisements of food while describing her employee.
Patchouli raised her brow. "So, what powers does she have? Controlling time, shooting webs, eye lasers… Which is it?"
"Eh… I'm not sure." Remilia turned to Licorice for help. "Do you have anything at all?"
Licorice was now put on the spot. She tried to think of something that might impress the people in the room. "Uh… I can calculate fractions and do calculus?" She vaguely remembered doing a lot of the aforementioned.
Patchouli was intrigued. "What's the derivative of…" She quickly thought of something random that should be hard to calculate. "…cosine-squared theta plus sine-squared theta (cos2(θ) + sin2(θ))?"
Licorice paused for only a second, quickly arrived at conclusion. "It's zero."
Patchouli was suspicious of how quickly she had calculated, while Remilia was confused as to how you could get zero by adding a bunch of sins up. "How did you calculate that just now? Show me how you got to the answer."
"It's simple, really." This was one of the rare times Licorice got to feel superior over the people of the mansion. "Cosine-squared theta plus sine-squared theta equals one (cos2(θ) + sin2(θ) = 1). It's the Pyth… pyth-somethingoranotherian theory expressed with trigonometric functions, pretty simple stuff really. You get zero by taking the derivative of that 1 you just acquired."
Patchouli nodded, she seemed satisfied. "I see."
The mistress stared at them both, not having gotten anything that was just communicated between the two. "Patchy, how do you use your sins in math?" She had been much more impressed when Licorice was able to calculate the fraction properly back in Kourindou, calculus went way above her head.
"Not sins, sine." Patchouli, while she liked to lecture and talk to the mistress, felt that this conversation would not bear fruit. Vampires were not made for calculus, after all. "It's pretty advanced Outside World magic, though you need to be well-versed in mathematics to even begin comprehending it."
The mistress suddenly looked disinterested. "Peh, math! What good has that ever done for anyone?" With this, she casually dismissed an entire field of science. "Isn't counting to ten not enough for those mortals? They have a limited time to live, perhaps they should focus on things that matter while they do." And with this she dismissed the entire field of human psychology.
Patchouli was used to the mistress dismissing her intellectual pursuits. "This whole place is built using mathematics, but we digress. Why have you come here today, Remi?"
Licorice raised her hand. "I'd like to know why I'm here as well…" Maybe the mistress just wanted to show off her wealth?
"Ah, right. I did have a reason… What was it?" Remilia turned to Patchouli looking for an answer. She had kind of forgotten the reason for her visit.
"Mistress, I'm a magician and a librarian, not a mind-reader. Those two are separate fields of expertise." Though, it wouldn't be a lie to say that Patchouli had looked into entering mind-reading at some point.
"Hm…" Remilia's eyes wandered to poor Licorice. "I remember! I was going to ask if Licorice was sick."
"Mistress, I'm very much fine." Except for her sense of normality being shattered each passing day, Licorice honestly felt fine. "I don't think I'm sick at all."
"Yes, but have you looked at a mirror?" Licorice wasn't sure whether the mistress was trying to insult her, but she did her best to keep calm around the child that could pulverize her at moment. "You humans only tan when they've been out on the sun, but you've kept your tan despite mostly staying inside. I was wondering if you had some sort of rare disease."
The library suddenly fell silent. The trio stared at each other. In the background, a red-haired devil with a sharp suit ran by, carrying a stack of books. A tumbleweed figuratively passed by the scene. You could hear a pin drop. Licorice blinked. Patchouli blinked. Remilia had no need to blink, she gazed at the two wondering what might have been wrong about what she had just said.
"Pfft-" Licorice couldn't keep her calm, and she began laughing boisterously. "I- What-" Patchouli attempted to laugh too, but that only caused her to enter a fit of wheezing and coughing that caused Licorice to shut up in concern. "A- Are you fine, Miss Patchouli?"
Patchouli was clutching on to her chest while also trying not to fall off from her stack of books. "Cough- wheeze- I'm…" She slowly came back to normal, though it looked like she still had trouble breathing. "…okay, I'm fine. Just a little bit of asthma, nothing to worry about."
Licorice thought that almost suffocating to death would count as not 'nothing to worry about', but she also wasn't an asthmatic immortal witch. She tried to return the conversation to where it was. "Mistress, the color of my skin is something that's genetic. It's nothing to worry about."
"Je-ne-tik?" That's a word that Remilia hadn't heard about. "What's that, Patchy? Another form of Outside World magic?"
"Genetics… How to put it…" Patchouli always had to simplify things for the mistress, which was ironic considering that the mistress was a couple times older than her. "It means the traits you inherit from your parents. Genetics is the reason why humans look different to each other."
"Ah, so Licorice's parents were chocolate-flavored then!" Remilia nodded as if she had made a profound point. "How curious, are all the people in Gensokyo vanilla-flavored? Is the color determined by the amount of vanilla and chocolate in their skin?"
"Mistress, as I've said before, I'm not chocolate-flavored…" Licorice sighed. Children really were a bother, especially those who were over 500-years old.
"What she said. I'm pretty sure humans normally don't have vanilla or chocolate in their skin. Umm… What was it exactly called again?" She turned around to her assistant, who had been watching the conversation from a distance. This assistant was the little devil that had passed by the background earlier. "Koakuma! Bring me the volume of the Encyclopædia Britannica that has the articles starting with the letter 'M'."
After a brisk wait, which was surprising considering how hard it should be to find just one book in such a large library, Patchouli had the relevant volume in hand. "M… me… 'melanin'! That's what it was called. Ahem. 'Melanin, a dark biological pigment found in skin, hair, feathers, scales, eyes, and some internal membranes…" She read the passage describing this commonly found pigment. "…It is a barrier against the effects of the ultraviolet rays of sunlight. On exposure to sunlight, for example, the human epidermis undergoes gradual tanning as a result of an increase in melanin pigment…"
Remilia raised her hand and interrupted Patchouli's reading session. "Wait, you can protect against sunlight with this?!" To a vampire, sunlight was the biggest foe. Hearing mention of an ally had caught her attention. "Patchy, can I extract some from Licorice's skin? It'd be very useful during my walks; I wouldn't have to carry a parasol!"
"…Mistress, the one who carries your parasol is either me or Sakuya. Also, please do not steal my skin!" It felt to her as if she had to avoid being butchered every day of her life.
"That's not how it works, I'm pretty sure of that… I don't even know if youkai use the same chemical." Patchouli did her best to prevent Licorice from being skinned alive. This wasn't out of pure altruism: she didn't want the only other person with knowledge of high-level mathematics to be killed.
"Aww…" The mistress dropped her head in disappointment.
"Remi, if your question is answered, I'll now excuse myself. I have some important reading to do, as always." The throne of books she sat on slowly floated upwards, carrying her along with it.
"See you Patchy!" The mistress waved goodbye as Patchouli disappeared amongst the shelves of the library.
Remi, you can't just ask someone why they're tan! Or however that line goes.
Also, I fully don't remember any math, so Licorice's bit about calculating sine is so far into nonsense for me that I could fully believe she has some obscure numerical youkai ability.
Also, I fully don't remember any math, so Licorice's bit about calculating sine is so far into nonsense for me that I could fully believe she has some obscure numerical youkai ability.
It's pretty simple high-school level math actually, as someone on another site pointed out to me before asking me to do better by dedicating half-a-chapter to a mathematical proof next time. I've went on to try researching set theory after that request, but I gave up after remembering why I am writing Touhou fanfics instead of earning an actual income by becoming a mathematics professor or something.
Ye who art divine
Protect us from the youkai
She is really drunk
Gensokyo stands separated from the rest of the world, since around a hundred-and-fifty years ago. A barrier of common sense stands between the fantastical inside and the mundane outside, and the two rarely mingle together.
On the edge of this barrier is the Hakurei Shrine, standing neither in or outside Gensokyo, but in both realms at the same time. In Gensokyo, it stood in a high place up in the mountains, overlooking the entirety of this fantastical realm. The shrine which lay was an old, decrepit Shinto shrine that rarely saw any visitors, except for a few errant youkai. The only time the shrine might be called 'popular' in any way was in spring, where the cherry blossoms behind the shrine would bloom and their flowers would fall. Some would come to this spot for some flower-viewing.
"Ah, quite quaint, isn't it?" Remilia sat on a large cloth, observing the products of the spring as she tended to do. A vampire doing something as quintessentially Japanese as flower viewing might seem odd to some, but this mixing of cultures was common in Gensokyo. The mistress sat under the shade of a cherry tree, safe from the damnable sun.
"It is indeed, mistress." Sakuya took a sip out of an elegant porcelain cup, joining in the relaxation. Immortal folk like them had a lot of time on their hands to spend on transient activities such as this. The head maid had seen countless flowering nights in her long life.
I mean, I get how it can be meditative, but… On the contrary, Licorice had limited time in her puny mortal life. She didn't exactly come from the right culture to appreciate viewing the flowers all day. …it's quite boring, honestly. At least the food and drink is good. She thought of this event as more of a picnic; perhaps flower viewing was an excuse just to go outside and have one. She was chewing on a cupcake while she did her best to appreciate the flowers.
Licorice suddenly heard another girl's voice behind her back. "Yes, the flowers are beautiful. You know what's not beautiful?" She turned around to find a girl, fully clothed in a red dress, with a enormous red ribbon, and straight black hair. She seemed to be pissed off by their presence. "Youkai loitering around the shrine! There's a reason why I'm not getting any visitors or donations, can you guess the reason?"
Sakuya put down her cup of tea, sitting most calmly and elegantly. "Maybe because the shrine maiden is too busy being a mean old git who has nothing to do but bully us peaceful folk?"
"Plus, this shrine is ugly. Just like Reimu's face, ha!" Remilia couldn't help but laugh at her own low-level, childish roast.
"You-" This Reimu was gritting her teeth in frustration. "It's bad luck to disrespect a shrine! You shall suffer divine retribution, I tell ye, di-vine-re-tri-bu-tion!"
Remilia only shrugged at threats of damnation. "From who? The god of this shrine you don't even know the name of?"
"I'll just beat up your so-called god if they ever dare show their face." Sakuya had a smug smile on her face as she casually threatened to fight a god. "Maybe they're a coward, considering that they haven't."
Reimu was ready to throw hands now. She stomped toward Sakuya and Remilia. "Alright, you two. No loitering!"
"Calm down, Miss Reimu." Sakuya took out a bottle from the basket that contained their supplies. "Sit down, and have some fine sake, won't you? The food's free too, as provided by our gracious mistress."
"Cheap tricks like that won't work… on me." Reimu looked hesitant. "It's my job, as the shrine maiden of Hakurei, to exterminate any youkai causing trouble!"
"Ahh, you know." Remilia turned to Sakuya, ignoring the angry shrine maiden. "I was thinking about how poor the Hakurei Shrine is. Maybe I'll provide some of my grace: a little monetary donation for the poor little girl who has to live here."
"Money?!" Reimu had to stop herself from drooling at the mention of food and money. "I… Fine, just this once." She snatched the bottle from Sakuya and joined them in sitting under the cherry tree. Remilia looked satisfied over having shown superiority over the shrine maiden.
Reimu took one sip out of the bottle, only to notice someone unusual who had been watching them argue. "So, I've been meaning to ask this, but who's the… maid?"
"Ah, she's Licorice Meidou. Our new maid." Licorice waved her hand towards Reimu as the mistress introduced her. "I found her lying outside the gate, and decided to take her in."
"…you shouldn't hire strangers you find lying outside your house." Reimu sighed. Was this little devil planning to commit another incident? "What's your big plan? I'll go easy on you if you confess."
"What, just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I have some evil plan! How rude!" Remilia crossed her arms, and looked genuinely offended at Reimu's suspicion. "Do I ask you what you're doing every time you come into my house without invitation?"
"It's because you're up to no good whenever I have to make a visit!" Reimu turned to Licorice. "So, are you up to no good?"
Why would I confess if I was? "No, I'm just an ordinary human, Miss Reimu." She did look most ordinary, Reimu had to agree on that point. "Lady Remilia has treated me decently." Outside of the times that Licorice had been scared shitless by the mistress and her dog (Sakuya), she was generally satisfied by her employer. She had little work to do, as Sakuya didn't trust her with much, with a flexible schedule. In turn, she was clothed and had a place to stay. The only problem was food and drink, Licorice didn't know where the kitchen was and she had been a bit hesitant to ask the head maid. Our heroine sustained herself through mooching off of Meiling.
Remilia was even smugger than usual when hearing praise directed towards her from her underling. "You see? I'm just a charitable, kind young lady. Unlike a certain miser who claims to be hallow."
"Yes, as charitable as a blood-sucking, human-eating vampire can be." Reimu seemed unimpressed of Remilia's claims of charitability. "Miss Licorice, you should be careful around the youkai. Take care so that you won't get turned into a meal by this little brat." This was a warning that Reimu had felt like she needed to give as a shrine maiden.
Sakuya stood up with a knife ready to go in her hand. "Miss Reimu, I won't have you so wantonly insult the mistress-" She stood down as the mistress swung her hand down, signaling that she should stay down. "We're here today for flower viewing, not fighting. You can spar all you like on another day." It was odd to see the mistress act maturely for once. "Also, I wouldn't cook her into a meal! She's too precious as a blood bank." Remilia tugged onto Licorice's sleeve. "Speaking of which, I'm quite thirsty."
"…Right, right. That's my call." Licorice obliged, extending her arm to make Remilia's job easier. The mistress bit down, draining blood from our poor heroine. This feeling of having her blood sucked had felt quite disgusting and horrifying at first; Licorice had gotten used to the feeling as time passed on. Now, it felt indifferent from any other chore. Theirs was an odd symbiotic relationship of sorts.
Reimu was involuntarily witness to this scene. She lost a bit of appetite for her own drink due to the somewhat grotesque scene of someone drinking blood right in front of her. The mistress retreated from Licorice after a couple seconds. "Mm… That hit the spot…" Sakuya tried to use a towel at hand to wipe her bloody mouth; Remilia wiped the blood on her sleeves out of a childish habit before Sakuya could do so.
Poor Reimu reluctantly returned the bottle of sake toward her mouth. She took a few gulps to calm her nerves down. "…I think you're lying about the part where you're an ordinary human."
"Hm?" Licorice looked surprised at this statement. "I'd say I'm pretty ordinary." You should probably ask that question to the woman sitting next to me…
Reimu smashed the bottle of sake down. Luckily, it didn't break. "Are ordinary humans this calm when letting a vampire feed on their blood?!"
"…I guess, yeah." Licorice didn't exactly have a framework on how other people would react. "I mean, the mistress doesn't take much, so it's not like she's hurting me." She pointed an accusatory finger towards Reimu. "Would you rather have the mistress hunt others down for blood?"
"Eh…" Reimu fell silent upon hearing Licorice's point. "I guess… If it does help keep the peace in Gensokyo, then it isn't… Hmm…"
The shrine maiden didn't mind if there was less trouble in Gensokyo. Less trouble meant less work for her. She liked the sound of that. "So be it." She took out a cupcake from the basket, and took a bite out of it. Reimu suddenly looked a whole lot more relaxed.
The rest of the flower viewing went without incident, and the mistress left a pitiful monetary donation for the shrine. The irony of a youkai, the thing she was supposed to be exterminating, donating to her shrine was lost to a materially satisfied, and highly chemically inconvenienced, Reimu.
Reimu's here!
Now she knows about Licorice.
Good to know that a healthy pecking order is being established.
Mistress Remilia - Mistress Flandre - Sakuya - Patchouli - Koakuma - Fairy Maids - The Tasty Bloodbag.
As it should be, Sakuya may say.
Although, I have a feeling Reimu would be passively insulted that a human maid is ranked lower than Fairies, but given she was given money, that's a matter dealt with for a time.
…
Say… shouldn't Marisa be coming around for her usual "Library Visit"?
