Ling Qi opened her eyes, and looked out over the sea of dream in her mind. Sixiang's presence had not changed too much since her last visit. She sat atop a hill formed from cushions and silks and furniture, but it was a little neater now. Little rolling hills like this stretched on from the shore, natural in contour, and only surreal in their composition. Sixiang had begun to fill in details though. Here and there thin silver barked tree trunks sprouted from the 'soil. Their canopies were masses of twinkling dream figments and starlight, wrapped like mist around slender branches.
Ling Qi took a deep breath, and scented flowers on the air.
"What can I say, you and Zhengui got me on a gardening kick," Sixiang said.
Ling Qi didn't startle, instead glancing to the side where an avatar of her muse rose from the cushioned hills. Sixiang had changed their avatar a little, their wispy hair was longer, and the silks they wore were loose, hanging of the avatar's thin shoulders.
"It looks lovely," Ling Qi said quietly, smoothing her gown as she sat down beside them.
Sixiang winced, putting a hand to their chest. "Ouch, you really going to be that formal with me?"
Ling Qi huffed, and lowered her eyes. "Quit that. You know I wasn't trying for formal."
"Nah, but the mask is starting to bleed in a bit isn't it?" Sixiang replied, leaning back to stare up at the false stars in the sky.
Ling Qi didn't reply. Sixiang wasn't wrong. When she had begun to move in noble circles that mode of speech had been an affectation, something she had to consciously use. Now it came out naturally. It was a small thing, such a small thing. It was emblematic though.
She was changing.
"I don't think that's all bad though," Sixiang said to the sky. "But, you know, it feels like your problem is like you're still feeling the opposite."
"I'm still a coward," Ling Qi whispered.
Sixiang didn't say anything, the only sound was the surf below and the whisper of the wind.
Ling Qi clenched her fists fingers digging into the silk she sat on. That's what it came down too, when you stripped the other rationalizations away. Once again, she had hurt someone because she was afraid. Just like the dream of blood, just like in the streets. Just like when she had abandoned her Mother. Her mannerisms had changed, but she hadn't. Even the problems with Zhengui, with Hanyi they came because she was afraid. Afraid to let them stand on their own.
"I don't think that's right," Sixiang said. "Yeah you decided to do something hurtful, you decided not to risk a smoother but more dangerous path, but there was more to it than fear, wasn't there?"
"If that had been anyone but Renxiang, they'd have broken," Ling Qi said. Even the echoes of that memory she had experienced indirectly made her stomach churn.
"Yeah, but it was little miss sparkles wasn't it?" Sixiang said dryly. "I mean you have a point, she's the kind of girl who breaks instead of bends, but you'd need a lot more pressure than that to do it, I think. I think you knew that deep down. I might not totally get it, but that's the difference with your boss isn't it?"
"I'm not sure what you mean," Ling Qi frowned, looking up to meet the spirit's sparkling black eyes.
"It's the difference between blocking a knife with your throat so a friend can take a shot at an assassin, and cracking someone upside the head with their trauma to break 'em out of an illusion," Sixiang replied. "Instinctively, you only trusted one of those people to be fine."
Ling Qi opened her mouth, then closed it and frowned, looking back to the sea.
"That's why it felt so bad, seeing her lose composure like that, didn't it?" Sixiang said.
"Of course, I would be upset, seeing my friend hurt like that," Ling Qi shot back. "I wasn't sure if Liming was taking control of her for a moment there."
"That's fair," Sixiang said calmly. "I don't think I'm totally off base though."
Were they? Ling Qi wanted to say so, but there might have been something too it. She was afraid though, so much of her was still rooted in fear. After all what was loneliness but the fear of isolation?
Well, it was desire too.
That was the crux. Fear and desire together too easily became the sort of darkness embodied by Zeqing, clinging, smothering and ultimately deadly. She didn't want to become that. She had to extend those around her their own agency, but if she did…
"I don't think you'll ever not be afraid," Sixiang said bluntly. "But I think you're letting that distract you."
"So you think I chose to hurt Cai Renxiang because I thought she could take it?" Ling Qi replied bitterly.
"Yeah, that's about right," Sixiang replied, surprising her. The spirit cocked an eyebrow as she stared at them. "What, are you thinking that's bad?"
"Of course it is," Ling Qi spluttered.
"Is it though? Maybe it's just me, but I think you should trust people to get hurt more often," Sixiang said with a shrug. "Not like, hang 'em out to dry or anything, but yeah, you should trust people more."
Ling Qi frowned at them. "I trust…"
Ling Qi bit her own tongue, and looked down. "I feel like you're just trying to give me an out."
"Maybe, I like you more than her after all," Sixiang said cheerfully. "More importantly, you're annoyed at me instead of being gloomy about yourself now."
"You're horrible," Ling Qi grunted, squeezing her eyes shut.
It was more annoying that Sixiang was right. This… wasn't the same as the bloody dream or the streets. What she had done wasn't solely in the service of selfish cowardice. She had been talking herself into a depression.
But all the same, it had made something in her spirit twinge, the same wound that had been aching for months now, brought of her spirits request. Why then, if it wasn't just a matter of fear? It didn't help that she still didn't fully understand the cause of her pain.
"I'm pretty sure trust is a part of it," Sixiang said.
"You sound like a mountain echo," Ling Qi grumbled.
Even if they were probably right. Here in her head, she could admit that she was afraid her spirits could not keep up.
"You're first instinct is to smother, but you got front row seats to the extreme of that," Sixiang mused. "Think that might be a part of it?"
"Maybe," Ling Qi sighed. She didn't think that was the real root either though.
...Did it really all come back to power? She was still so very small and weak. Her path still stretched on, infinite and difficult. There was so much more distance left to run.
Yet there were so many things she had chosen to bind herself too.
"Ah, it's that fundamental huh," Sixiang grimaced.
"I can't stop Sixiang," Ling Qi murmured. "That ice spirit, that barbarian titan… even the duchess. There are so many people and things who can crush me. But I don't want to be alone again either."
Cultivation was an exercise in isolation. To be powerful was to be lonely. Elder Ying had taught her that. With each step you took, more peers fell away. The longer you lived, the more of your family and friends would die off. She hated the idea of that. Having looked on the face of the Duchess, even in memory, she hated it even more. If she got the power she needed, would she become like that? Not the same of course, but something equally inhuman in a different way?
One day, would she do something so awful to a child who just wanted to meet their mother?
"For what it's worth, I can't see the path you're on doing that," Sixiang said quietly, resting their hand on her shoulder. "But… yeah, deciding to go all the way isn't without cost, you know?"
Ling Qi nodded silently.
"I don't think you can stop either though," Sixiang said sadly. "It'd break you. I believe you'll find a solution though. Just because you can't stop doesn't mean you have to sprint and leave everyone behind, you know?"
"I don't want to slow down either," Ling Qi replied. "I-I at least have to keep up with Renxiang."
She didn't care for the idea of the girl advancing alone. Not when she saw what the end of that path could be.
"Stubborn," Sixiang huffed. "You're gonna have to make a choice somewhere though."
***
Ling Qi opened her eyes with those words still echoing in her ears, brought out of her meditation by a hand on her shoulder. Looking up, she met Cai Renxiang's eyes.
"We must begin planning our approach," the other girl said. Her expression was stoic again, no sign of unpleasant emotion in her expression or voice.
"Ah, my apologies, Lady Cai," Ling Qi replied, standing up and offering a bow.
"There is nothing to apologize for," Cai Renxiang replied stiffly. "Do not cause me to remind you again."
Ling Qi kept her head bowed for a moment and then nodded. "As you like, my Lady. All the same please do not misunderstand my concerns."
Cai Renxiang squeezed her eyes shut for just a moment. "...Later, we may have a conversation on what you witnessed, Ling Qi."
"Yes, Lady Cai. It would be inappropriate now," Ling Qi said quietly. The other girl turned away, and led her from the curtained off meditation area set aside for them. The others were already gathered, Zhen's head snaked in through the entrance, resting on a cushion. Xia Lin stood stoically in the doorway, and the boys sat at attention, while Hanyi lounged on a cushion, looking bored and unhappy.
"We have all had a moment to gather ourselves," Cai Renxiang began as Ling Qi took a seat beside Gan Guangli. "We now come to the most important part of our mission. Attaining peaceful audience with these foreigners. It is likely they are already aware of our presence, which may bode well. We must decide how we are to approach our greeting. I believe it would be best for us to review our knowledge of the targets."
Ling Qi felt eyes on her and began to speak. "I have only had limited interactions, but the group I witnessed at least seemed disinterested in war. There was some mention of a large building project, a 'sky fortress'. The woman who attempted to speak with me seemed even tempered and perceptive. Even if our meeting seemed to unbalance her."
"My studies support similar conclusions to Miss Ling," Meng Dan said, pushing his glasses up. "While my information is naturally much out of date, it does not indicate a particularly insular culture. Records indicate that they were not, then at least a terribly expansive people. I believe that an emphasis on culture over the martial would be best."
Cai Renxiang nodded once. "That much is agreed, however, there is the matter of our opening posture, which I think must be discussed."
With a gesture opened the conversation. In the end, their deliberation came to decide…
[] To approach confidently, and speak first before making any mention of the gifts you have been provided
[] to approach humbly, with gifts at the forefront to make any opening talk go more smoothly.
), I think a big takeaway is the importance of fear to Ling Qi: